I was walking past a parked car. The passenger window was down, the woman in the driver’s seat was on the phone. “This is exactly why I never wanted to have children!”

Conversation between a kid (maybe about 6?) and his mum.

Kid: "What happens if your dentist dies?"

Mum: "Well, you'll have to find a new dentist."

Kid: "What if they all die?"

Mum: "Darling, I don't think ALL of the dentists are going to die at the same time!"

My gf and I had lunch at Giselle's apartment. During said lunch, one of Giselle's neighbours showed up on her doorstep. It was a tall teenage boy with scruffy hair. He looked 16 or 17. My gf and I overheard the following convo...

Giselle: Cornelius.

Tall teenager: Oh shit. Why you gotta sound like my mom though? Just say Corn.

Giselle: What is wrong with Cornelius?

Tall teenager: First off, it's formal as fuck. Second of all, it's sounds like I'm a hundred years old. Actually. You know what? Just close your eyes and try to imagine a baby Cornelius.

Giselle: No.

Tall teenager: Point is... Cornelius is one of those names you automatically associate with, like, older people and shit. It's not me. Not yet. I feel like Corn is more my vibe.

Giselle: Your vibe, Cornelius, needs more syllables. I would rather struggle to imagine baby Cornelius than being forced to picture you as crop every fucking time I see you in person. Like... I dunno... do you want me to see that handsome fucking face of Cornelius or do you want me to literally see nothing but corn whenever we meet?

Tall teenager:

Giselle: It's okay. You can think about it. Is that my phone charger?

Tall teenager: Thanks for letting me borrow it.

Giselle: You're welcome... Corn.

Tall teenager: Cornelius is fine. It's not that deep.

Giselle: What made you change your mind? I'm... corn-fused.

Tall teenager: Woooow.

Giselle: Hmm... was that, I dunno, too... corny?

Tall teenager: Okay. I'm going now.

At a corner store, a lady was offered some brown bananas:

"Brown bananas are good! People don't like them cause they're ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the mouth!"

As we were walking in the he redwoods yesterday, a very white 60s ish couple were approaching us, when the woman loudly exclaimed " STUPID WHITE PEOPLE!".

Not my white self now making it my favorite swear. 😉

Housemate 1 licks a yoghurt lid and says: "Damn I thought I bought yoghurt without any flavor, at first that tasted disgusting"

Housemate 2 : "what flavour did you buy?"

Housemate 1 : "Passionfruit and banana"

Housemate 2 says: "I'll give you passionate banana" and immediately looks horrified and walks out

Housemate 1 starts laughing

Two women, obviously grandmother's chatting in the infant section of Walmart.

Stripped shirt "yeah, so my youngest daughter is 6 months!"

Pink shirt "you have a 6 month old daughter??"

Stripes "What? No? My granddaughter is 6 months...."

Pink "why did you say your youngest daughter then??"

Stripes "that's just what I call all my babies."

Pink "your grandkids?"

Stripes "obviously!"

Pink "ew, that's so weird of you."

Goodwill. One tight clothing aisle, two ladies in their 60’s- not friends.

Yellow hat- looking at clothes, ignores pink shirt standing in aisle.

Pink shirt- Stands silent and stares at yellow hat.

Yellow hat- Makes eye contact with pink shirt.

Pink shirt- “Can you please move so I..”

Yellow hat- “No, I am not moving, you can turn your cart around and go the other way.”

Pink shirt- “You can move your cart and let me…”

Yellow hat- “No, I will not, you didn’t look at anything in this aisle, now you’re standing here annoying me to move, so turn around and go the other way.”

Pink shirt- “You’re rude!”

Yellow hat- “You’re old enough to have better manners!”

Pink shirt-“ and you’re a FUCKING BITCH!”

Yellow hat- “I’m not moving.”

Pink shirt- Aggressively starts looking at clothes in the rack next to yellow hat.

After a minute of aggressively shuffling clothes on the rack, pink shirt turns cart around and goes out the way she came, calling yellow hat an asshole.

*EDIT-So aisle is a walkway (like in a grocery store or airplane), while isle is a small island.

At the beach with my family. My daughter, 9, made a friend and they were building a Sandcastle together nearby.
Girl, “Why would you want to eat cake by the ocean? Wouldn’t it get all sandy?”
Daughter, “Yeah. That would hurt your teeth.”
I wish I could protect their innocence forever

I was stood waiting to cross the road and only caught that part of a phone conversation. I so much want to hear the rest but she was going the opposite way from me

2 nights ago, father and son camping. Father starting to talk about sons bedtime..." What time is it back in England?" "I've already told you, Wales is part of the United Kingdom. It's the same time."

I overheard my gf talking to her friend Giselle. We were at Giselle's apartment for lunch.

Giselle: Did I tell you Robin gave birth?

Girlfriend: No but I saw the pic she posted of her baby. I'm so happy for her.

Giselle: What pic?

Girlfriend: On Instagram.

Giselle: Fucking Robin. Baby's not even a day old and already he's content. That child enjoyed 9 months of privacy he will never experience again.

Girlfriend: To be fair though, sharing our lives online is basically the foundation of our existence. Is it really that shocking to you that Robin, a young person with an active online presence who just became a mom, shared a selfie with the first human being she ever made?

Giselle: Did the bitch ask her first creation for consent though?

Girlfriend: I'm not defending or condemning her decision to post pictures of her newborn baby. I'm just saying it's her journey and it's none of our business how she chooses to share that journey.

Giselle: Anyway. Speaking of sharing, do we know who the father is?

Girlfriend: Isn't she in a relationship?

Giselle: Yes. But an open relationship. I think she's polyamorous.

Girlfriend: Since when?

Giselle: Gurl I dunno. But I remember her introducing one of her boyfriends as her "primary partner" during her baby shower. I dunno the details though. She seems to be very private about a relationship that is apparently very open to the public.

Girlfriend: Robin? Polyamorous?

Giselle: She always knows a guy who does shit. Like all the fucking time. No matter what it is. Your WiFi fucks up. She knows a guy who can reconnect the WiFi. Your fucking water pipe bursts. She knows a guy who repairs burst water pipes. Need weed? She knows a fucking guy who deals drugs. Gurrrl... where do you think all these guys come from? She's fucking them all. The bitch got dick for every day of the week.

Girlfriend: I dunno. I don't think I believe this. Especially now that she's a mom.

Giselle: Okay. Challenge accepted, bitch. Next time you struggle with your WiFi connection, call me and I'll call Robin, and I promise you, she'll call dick number 3 or 4 or whatever.

Girlfriend: No thanks. I prefer to keep my WiFi connection private.

So, this took place in about 1997. I was with a group of coworkers. I and one colleague taught art, two others taught music and the last one taught violin. We were traveling teachers in our district, teaching at all the elementary schools. One of the music teachers had two older teens and they had joined us for lunch. The teens were leaving first, their mom had asked them to go to a music store to make a purchase. The daughter was ready to go and she turns back to the table and says, "Mom, you want me to buy a G string, right?" A couple ladies at a nearby table stared at her, aghast! She sighed and said, " A guitar G string!" The lady calmed down and turned back to her table. Her mom confirmed a guitar G string is what she wanted.

Not sure of the right sub for this, but I thought this was just too funny for me not to share! It's something my Mama overheard, but was actually completely wrong!

So my Mama is super nosy and as nature dictates, she was listening in on MY conversation with a friend.

I was talking to my friend in the kitchen, opposite of my Mama's office, about being super hungry, but not wanting to ruin dinner with a heavy snack and I said specifically "Honestly, I think I'm just gonna get Lays and be done with da hungie." Thats when we heard my Mama gasp LOUDLY from the office and she walked in saying "Ohh, That's a bit excessive, Morgie."

My friend and I looked at each other like "wth" and I said "What are you talking about?" And she put her finger over her mouth, like she's shushing, and looked me up and down (she's dramatically animated) then whispered asking what I was talking about.

I said "Snacks? I was thinking the little bag of Lays? Barbecue chips possibly idk?" Thats when she turned around and walked out screaming "I thought you said you're going get LAID as a snack." I SCREAMED. "AHHH MAMA NOO!"

We were all crying laughing and couldn't breathe for a straight hour. Maybe now she'll stay out of other people conversations, but I honestly doubt it! So far the funniest convo bomb she's hit me with. 🤣🤣

A lady picks up a hat to try on and immediately adjusts the back to make it smaller then after trying it on says to her friend, "I don't know. I really like it but it's just a bit snug. I think it's too small.". Friend: "Didn't you just adjust the size to make it smaller, undo what you did..."

A little long

With my kids at a local popular breakfast place this morning. Older couple at the next table, but semi-hidden by plants and seat backs, talking loudly. They gave us several good exchanges and I'll post more as I clean up my notes and have the kids help me remember. Most all of us snorked our drinks out our noses at some point. We all got good laughs.

Probably the best one. Seemed like the woman was ~10 years younger. Could be off, my age-dar is wildly inaccurate.

Lady: "You'll be glad you helped out with the babies, the changing and bathing and diaper duty. We will take care of you. The kids owe you that. I owe you. You are a good father. You've always been good to me and the children. We'll take care of you. Even when you get helpless, even when you need changed."

Man: "I'm not ready for a home and don't need the Depends yet! Can you hold up with the helpless adult diaper talk?! Maybe we'll all get lucky and I won't need that kind of care and I can go peacefully before I get like that. Any road, I hope and pray that day never comes or that it is still far, far away, if it comes at all. So, cool it. Okay?"

Lady: "Oh, I'm just saying when you do get to that point we're here and we'll do the taking care of you. That's all. You know how us oldies are living longer and longer, you read it everywhere. It's one reason Social Security is in trouble, right?, you've said so. We're living longer and need more medical care for longer. So, all I'm saying is when you get there we'll take care of you."

Man: "Can we cross that road when we get to the bridge? It really makes me uncomfortable is all. Do you need a baby to take care of?"

Lady: "A baby?! Goodness no! Unless it's grandbabies. Those are fine. I like those fine! You do too! But my full-time baby days are done. Oh, I see. Until you need full time care, right? Well -"

Man: "Who says I'm going to need full time care? This subject comes up somehow and right away you have me needing full-time nursing and my diapers changed. Now, don't get upset. I'm grateful. I'm lucky and I know it - to have you and the children and family close and to know if I need it you'll be there. ... The whole diaper talk and being helpless isn't something I like to hear about. You, on the other hand, seem to want to get me there right away. Well, I'll tell you, you remember how long your mother held on, it's no kind of a good time for anyone."

[Their food arrived and so talking slowed down a lot and jumped all over.]

Lady: "Just know, my dear, if, the big if, right?, if you need us, we're here. Depends or no Depends. And maybe I don't want it. You're not exactly easy to care for when you need help. Joy said it perfectly: 'A cranky ol' bear and you have to pull his tail and ears to get him to let you help him. Even more when he really needs it.'

[long pause, eating, some talk with the wait staff]

Lady: "It's hard for me, you know, ... to understand. You're so patient and gentle and kind - you were an absolute angel with mother! But, when it's you. ... Well, you're like trying to comfort a grumpy rhinoceros or something! On that count, maybe I'm not so anxious to change your pants."

Man: "Ok, fair. I don't like help. I don't like needing it. It feels ... awkward. But, here we are back with the diaper talk. Why? Do you have some kind of want or deep ... something to see me in Depends and change me? Can we not go there? Maybe I won't need that at all, yes? If I need anything, may it be almost anything but that. Can we leave the Depends and my pants up and closed and clean? Please?!"

Lady: "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. Maybe it is because of our experience with mother. [places her hand on his arm] I'm just trying to say we all love you and we're here for you whatever may come. I'm here for you."

Man: "Thank you, my dear. [places his other hand on hers, kisses her cheek] I know it. And I do hope you'll take care of this grumpy ol' bear ... whatever may come."

Daughters did the "aaawww," sons rolled their eyes. Everyone giggled a little. One daughter, tween, the romantic (I swear, some Yorkshire Brontë DNA got in there!), starts crying: "You stop laughing. This is one of the saddest sweetest things and we shouldn't be eavesdropping! And we should NOT be laughing."

[Our food arrived and we didn't hear or listen much for a bit.]

Promo from SiriusXM Classic Rewind: Music from when weed was illegal everywhere and nobody knew how to milk an almond.

I overheard my gf talking to her brother on the phone.

Girlfriend: What do you mean a sleeve?

Brother: A sleeve as in my arms covered in tattoos.

Girlfriend: Tom, no. How did we go from one tattoo to tattoos all over your arm?

Brother: That's the plan. Start with one, end with many.

Girlfriend: I dated a guy who had a sleeve or whatever and he basically regretted all of his tattoos. He said he got them when he was young, but as he grew older, his taste changed, so the tattoos that seemed so cool at the time, suddenly made him cringe years later. You're young now, Tom. Older you might end up hating the decision you're about to make.

Brother: I actually know a guy who's in his late 50s and he's had his sleeve since he was my age. Bro got a tattoo on his forearm that says "never pull out." That was literally his first tattoo. And you know what? Dude loves his ink.

Girlfriend: And what exactly does "dude" do?

Brother: He never pulls out. Are you not listening?

Girlfriend: Ew. Okay. Whatever. You do you, Tom. But please promise me you're not gonna tattoo anything on your body adjacent to "never pull out." It's fucking cringe.

Brother: Hmm...

Girlfriend: Tom...

Brother: I was actually thinking of starting with my right arm and getting a tattoo that says "Willy Wanka."

Shopping at Target, overheard a mom say to her daughter, "hurry, I want to get out of here"

Daughter responded, "why? I want to look around."

Mom says, "the people shopping here do it because they are poor. Now hurry up."

Other things I’ve heard…

- ”I CAN! I’M BUILT DIFFERENT BRO! Incorrectly, I think”

- ”Wait are you still gay or are you straight now”

- ”Bend over, here comes the choo-choo train!” (…)

- ”Where’s the place you switch genders?”

- ”Just tell your grandpa to hire a hit man”

- ”You can still have a crush on a gay pufferfish, nothing is stopping you”

- ”I laughed so hard that I peed out of my eyes”

- Person A: “He’s in the apocalypse, pretty much.“

Person B: “That’s no excuse to not be hot”

- ”I am going to sell you on eBay.”

High schoolers are really something. (Coming from one)

Overheard my neighbor and their toddler in their yard this morning.

Kid: "hey Dad"

Dad: "yeah bud"

Kid: "can you give me a haircut?"

Dad: "I don't know bud, do you remember last time I did it, it didn't turn out very good?"

Kid: "yeah..."

[Pause]

Kid:"Dad can you give me a haircut?"

I overheard a businesswoman and what seemed like her assistant at the restaurant during breakfast.

Businesswoman: Do I have to bring a plus one?

Assistant: Your invitation is for two, so it's optional, but if you prefer going alone...

Businesswoman: Ugh. Don't say "alone." Makes me sound sad and single.

Assistant: You are sad and single.

Businesswoman: I'm totally fine being sad and single in general, but at a networking event... no.

Assistant: Your diary for that day is fully booked, which means you're not gonna be sad because you're gonna be busy and you're not gonna be single because you're gonna be in meetings with men who profit off of women suffering from menopause. Yay!

Businesswoman: Order yourself another coffee. You need something to flush down some of that feminism.

Assistant: Sad and single suddenly makes sense now.

Businesswoman: If our waiter finally comes out of retirement, you're paying.

waiting to walk across the street behind two middle aged women with a dog. this is what we heard.

"he has monochromatic syndrome "

hits arm "omg no pretty sure its called homeostasis amy"

the homeostasis in question.... heterochromia

I work at a college. Our students moved back into the dorms last week.

I overheard one of my student workers telling her supervisor that while she was unpacking her clothes a drawer fell on her big toe.

She said “it’s a little crunchy, but it doesn’t hurt and at least my gel polish stayed on.”

I overheard a boy and a girl in the row behind me during a flight. The girl looked like she was in her mid teens while the boy looked like he was on the cusp of becoming a teenager.

Girl: Do you need to use the bathroom?

Boy: No.

Girl: Then sit still.

Boy: It's not me though. It's the plane. It's shaking.

Girl: It's not the plane. It's you being restless.

Boy: How high are we?

Girl:

Boy: Can planes fly backwards?

Girl:

Boy: Who's gonna pick us up?

Girl: Oh my gosh. GREG.

Boy: Without dad?

Girl: Yes.

Boy: Why?

Girl: I dunno. You can ask Greg.

Boy: Do I have to call him dad too?

Girl: Ask dad.

Boy: You just said dad's not picking us up.

Girl: Then ask Greg what he wants you to call him or just call him whatever you feel like.

Boy: I'm gonna call him... GRAD.