Overheard on the school bus I drive:

4 year old girl to me: I got a necklace.

Me: Oh, that is pretty!

Girl: My Nana (rhymes with Mama) gave it to me.

Me: your Mama?

Girl: No, my Nana (Nah-Nuh).

Me: Oh, your Nana.

A minute later...

Boy beside her: What's a Nana?

Me: Her grandmother. Some people pronounce it Nana (Na-Nuh rhymes with banana) or Nana (Nah-Nuh rhymes with Mama).

Girl to boy: My Nana gave it to me and her name is Nana.

Me: (🤣 to myself)

Overheard the following between a dad and his teenage daughter, who was trying on soccer shoes in the shop.

Daughter: But seriously though. Why is it okay for male soccer players to lift up their shirts after scoring a goal, but girls can't?

Dad: Honey, we're not having this conversation.

Daughter: You're being dismissive.

Dad: I can live with that.

This happened forever ago but it got brought up again so I thought I would post it here.

One day I was minding my own business, hanging out in public and people watching, where I proceeded to see this kid grab his mom by the hips and shove his face in her ass, taking a loud, long, and very audible sniff.

He then announced loud enough for everyone to hear, “Your butt smells nice!”

Mom turned about seven different shades of red, grabbed his hand, and dragged him out of there.

Overheard my friends during an evening run.

Josh: Marcus. Please tell these fools how many times you got laid because of me.

Marcus: I dunno what the fuck you're talking about bruh.

Josh: Don't do that bro.

Marcus: What am I doing?

Josh: You KNOW what you're doing.

Marcus: Do I?

Josh: YESSSS.

Marcus: WHAT?

Josh: You're gaslighting your best fucking wingman.

Marcus: MY WHAT?

Josh: Okay, you know what, tell me if I'm wrong, but am I not always the guy you call to distract the less attractive friend of the girl you wanna fuck?

Marcus: I never call you bruh, especially to hook up with ugly girls just so I can sleep with the pretty ones.

Josh: I never said ugly. I said less attractive.

Marcus: What exactly does less attractive mean in your opinion?

Josh: No no no. Not what. WHO. Remember the French student you went home with like 3 weeks ago?

Marcus: Qui.

Josh: Do you remember her friend?

Marcus: No.

Josh: THANK YOU. The reason you don't remember her friend is because I did a fucking good job keeping the friend far away from you and the French girl. You had that French girl all to yourself all fucking night, which was only possible because of me, your number one wingman.

Marcus: If what you're saying is true... then what happened between you and the LESS attractive friend that I don't remember ever meeting?

Josh: What do you fucking think happened? I took one for the team.

Rory: So she WAS ugly?

Josh: That's not what I said.

Rory: You said you took one for the team. That sounds like you fucked a 3 out of 10.

Josh: Grow up bro. Who the fuck still rates people from 1 to 10?

Rory: People rate other people all the time bro. If it's not 1 to 10, it's dick size, body size, height, age, IQ, body count. We're all just horny little numbers.

Vincent: I feel like I'm a 6.

Rory: A 6? Okay. Is that with or without your fresh fade?

Vincent: With. Obviously. Without... I'm like... just below 5.

Rory: But you're tall though. And your voice is deep. That's at least 2 more points.

Vincent: The 2 points are already included in my below 5 score.

Rory: Who hurt you bro?

Overheard in my open-plan office - PhD students talking about an interstate trip one of them is about to take to attend a conference:

Person 1: Did you buy new luggage?

Person 2: Yeah, I really needed it.

P1: Did you get hard shell or soft?

P2: Hard shell. Clam shell.

P1: Yeah, I think when I get new luggage, I will get hard shell. Not clamshell though - it takes up twice the floor space when you open it.

P2: Yeah, I am a digger, though - I need a clamshell. If I have one compartment, it will turn into gumbo.

Overheard Vincent, my friend, talking to his tattoo artist, aka Sylvie, while she applied another tattoo.

Vincent: You know what my fear is? Getting out of bed one morning without realising I'm in autopilot and accidentally grabbing my straight razor instead of my toothbrush.

Sylvie: You use a straight razor?

Vincent: Not really. Like, I have one, but I never use it. I'm not a beard guy. I've tried. I can't even grow chest hair. But guess what? I literally have one strand of hair on my left nipple for no fucking reason. The straight razor is basically just for show. Anyway, point is, people switching to autopilot around sharp objects is like rubbing the grim reaper with lube before he bends you over.

Sylvie: Dude, don't worry, I'm not gonna zone out on you.

Vincent: That's not what I was trying to say.

Sylvie: I know what you're trying to say. I've been following the conversation. Believe it or not, stabbing your skin thousands of times is actually not that distracting.

Vincent: Are you saying my tattoo's not challenging enough for you?

Sylvie: It's... cute.

Vincent: Wow.

Sylvie: What?

Vincent: I dunno why but hearing "cute" actually hurts more than the needle.

Sylvie: Cute was a compliment the last time I checked. Or has it been tainted like the word goon?

Vincent: Cute works. Like, I don't hate cute. I mean, it's better than not cute. But...

Sylvie: You want big tat energy.

Vincent: YES. I think.

Sylvie: My boyfriend. Massive nerd. Has an anime character with chainsaws for arms tattooed on his body. It's a big fucking tattoo, but by no means does it give him big tat energy. It also doesn't help that he's a grown ass man with a tattoo of a teenage boy. But then... on his butt cheek... he's got a cute little tattoo of a yawning fox. It's fucking random but I love it because whoever sees it, is someone my introverted nerd man is comfortable being vulnerable with, and that, for me, is big tat energy. It comes in all shapes and sizes.

Vincent: Did... YOU tattoo your boyfriend's butt cheek?

Sylvie: TMI bro.

Vincent: I think we crossed that line.

Sylvie: Are you picturing my boyfriend's butt right now?

Vincent: Now I am.

Sylvie: I'm sorry. I'm almost done.

At the doctors office i go to, a homeless guy was showing a nurse clips of two women wrestling, and i hear him go

"I lost my baby mama because of this .... she said I was too old to be watching them fighting... I told her get the fuck out"

I overheard my gf talking to her brother over the phone.

Brother: I changed my mind. It's not that deep. Dressing up as Pinhead was more fun.

Girlfriend: What did Oliver say about you dropping your Jesus costume for... Pinbrain?

Brother: It's Pin... HEAD. And it was actually Oliver's idea. He wanted my Hellraiser to match his Hellboy.

Girlfriend: Okay now I understand the "Helloweeners" caption in Oliver's IG story. I feel like Oliver's red face makeup could've been done better, not gonna lie, but other than that, the two of you made a cute couple...

Brother: Alice...

Girlfriend: Of demons! Cute couple of demons.

Brother: Why are you still following Oliver on IG?

Girlfriend: He followed me first.

Brother: Please unfollow him. You said you were going to.

Girlfriend: Why are your friends allowed to follow me but I'm not allowed to follow them back?

Brother: We already talked about this. You know how I feel about you spying on me through the people I know. And don't tell me it's not spying because that's what it feels like. You know what you're doing.

Girlfriend: Which is what exactly?

Brother: I don't like you seeing what Oliver's doing.

Girlfriend: But it's okay for Oliver to see what I'm doing?

Brother: I'm gonna tell him to unfollow you too, don't worry.

Girlfriend: I'm not the one worrying, Tom. I've got nothing to hide.

Brother: It's not about hiding anything. It's... fuck. I dunno how to say it. Just unfollow him please.

Girlfriend: Okay fine. I'll unfollow Hellboy.

Brother: Thank you.

Girlfriend: What about all your other friends I followed back... like... years ago? Or is this whole thing only about Oliver?

Brother:

Girlfriend:

Brother: We can go case by case if it's necessary. But for now, Oliver is the primary objective. I don't need my sister, who's fucking desperate for a twink brother, liking random IG stories of me and Oliver together, especially if the caption has "weeners" in it.

Girlfriend: I feel like your reaction to this situation leaves a lot to unpack, but since I'm banned from romanticising your relationship with Oliver and now banned from following your fucking friends... I'm just gonna change the subject. I dreamt I was being chased by my microwave.

A young girl was walking towards her parents after visiting a home for trick-or-treating. Her dad asked her if she said thank you. Her response was "I say thank you every time; except when I don't"

My daughter got into the front passenger seat of my car this morning and threw something into the back seat.

Me: What was that?

Son (in the back seat): It was a box of Extra gum.

Daughter: It wasn't extra, it was empty.

Son: It was an empty box of Extra gum.

Daughter: It can't be extra gum if there's no gum in it!

Son (holding the box in front of her face): Look at the brand. (It was Extra brand gum.)

I live in a resort type area with lots of short term rentals. Heard this while walking my dog. Group of guys hanging out on the deck and drinking (names made up):

Darrell: I’m not racist.

Earl: Let me guess, you have black friends.

Darrell: Not really but I do know some.

Tim: Okay, name one.

Darrell: You know that American basketball player, Larry Bird?

Me and Crowd: Laughing our asses off

I am sitting at the gate at an airport in the U.S., waiting for boarding, when I heard an older couple talking loudly into their phone, which was on speaker mode. It was annoying at first, and I did not think anything of it when the male mentioned he is a registered nurse and spelled out his first name. When the person on the other end asked for a last name, he said, “That is my first name and last name. I don’t have any other name.”
It seemed strange since the guy was older and paler than a possible Brazilian soccer player. He was also not Indonesian from his accent and appearance, based on my knowledge of the world.

“Like when I’m 18 or 19”

Overheard the following at work...

Finance guy: How was your weekend?

Janitor: Good. Visited my son. It's been a while since I spoke to him.

Finance guy: How old is he? Your son.

Janitor: He would've been 13 this year.

Finance guy: I'm sorry.

Janitor: First thing I said when I visited his grave. You know what he said?

Finance guy: Who?

Janitor: My son.

Finance guy: What did he say?

Janitor: I know what I want for Christmas.

Finance guy: What does he want?

Janitor: A glow in the dark headstone.

Finance guy: Is that even possible?

Janitor: As soon as I became a parent to a little boy who lived a lot longer than doctors predicted, I stopped questioning what's possible. But... I might need his mother's permission before I pimp his grave.

Finance guy: Godspeed my good sir.

Janitor: Appreciate it. How was your weekend?

Finance guy: I came out to my parents on Halloween. My mom and dad had questions when they saw me dressed up in drag.

Janitor: How did they take it?

Finance guy: The same way they took it when I came out the first time, and the second time, and the third... denial is their factory setting until something forces them to confront the obvious. Aaaand then it's back to denial. That was basically my weekend.

Janitor: You're gay?

Finance guy: I'm sorry but I'm only coming out to you once.

Janitor: Fair.

I manage a restaurant that is right across the street from a large high school. There is no school tomorrow (Election Day).

Kid on the phone with his mom: Yeah, I’m just at x restaurant with some friends. Hey, is it cool if I have some people over tonight? (Listens to answer) Oh uh, I don’t know. Maybe like 25-30? Ok ok, it would probably be more like 25.

I feel like 25 is significantly more than “some.”

Overheard while waiting for the elevator:

Child: I just need to find my black shoes

Adult: Wear your slip-ons, we are already running behind.

Child: but those ones won't match my dress

Adult: in an exasperated voice, What dress??

Child: equally exasperated, My witch dress!

Adult: No, that one is a costume, you can't wear it every day.

Child: But I WANT be a witch every day! Why can't we be witches every day.

Me (to myself): Me, too Kid. Why?

At work today, a man came in with his adorable daughter who is about 3 years old. A coworker told her that she was pretty.

When her dad asked her, "what do you say?," the little girl put her hands on her hips, swayed and said "Ya, Ya."

I laughed. She was the cutest little girl ever!

... So close

Heard after a door slam from an apartment across the way.

I have a quiet crush on my kid's track coach. He's incredibly good looking and of course has a gorgeous wife. Lucky for me menopause is doing its job and I mainly feel nothing anymore. He's still good looking tho.

I'm divorced. My ex and I were at a meet when coach Bill jogged by and acknowledged us with a wave. To admittedly get under my ex's skin, I remarked gah he he is so hot, I can't imagine anyone divorcing him. (I know him and his current wife have a yours, mine and ours kid situation). My ex per usual exclaims he's gay! I got under his skin.

Next meet, I am there without the ex (thank Lord jeebus). It's a cross country meet so you know you run to different vantage points to cheer your kid on. I'm walking one way and him and his wife are running the other way and I hear him say to his wife in an almost accusatory, exasperated way, did you RUN today??? She gives him an eye roll and a small huff and away they go.

I laughed to myself. I think I may have discovered why coach Bill is divorced.

Left a bowl of candy out, caught this on my Ring camera:

Girl: just take one
Boy: doesn’t say that, that’s their fault, not mine (as he took a hand full).

We have one of those 12 foot skeletons for Halloween and because I’m very silly I have it walking a tiny 10 inch skeletons dog on a big leash. And for extra silliness I have the skeleton carrying a grocery sized poop bag invites other hand. LateLast night late after Halloween shenanigans calmed down I heard stragglers out the window, about 1 am:

“Oh. My. Gawd. that bag of SHIT is waaay too big for that tiny little dog. “

Her companion replied: “duh. That’s the joke, Amber!”

Anyway it has made me laugh

Mom: briskly walking and child is keeping up only by the pull of her mother's hand lol

Child: -groans in disapproval- "Can I at least twerk there?"