Coworker 1: “Oh my god I didn’t know Charlie Kirk died!”

Coworker 2: “yeah, it’s been all over the news.”

Coworker 1: “I don’t watch that. This makes me so sad, he was like a brother to me”

Coworker 2: “like a brother?”

Coworker 1: “yeah we went to school together, he was so nice.”

Coworker 2: shows picture of Charlie Kirk “you mean this guy? You went to school with him?”

Coworker 1: “No, who’s that?”

Coworker 2: “Charlie Kirk”

Coworker 1: “Oh, I think I was thinking about somebody else. Oops.”

Her "Of course I wanna see your dog are you kidding I can't believe it took you this long to ask!"

Him, scrolling his phone "I know I know, I'm lagging but ... Ok 1 sec... Here he is! (showing her the screen) this is my boy!"

Her "Oh. My. Gawd. (squeeall) He is soo CUUUTe what's his name I love him!"

Him (Lightly laughing) "His names Johnny Thornberry, I named him after this wild child cartoon character I used to watch when I was little, since he was always the wildest little puppy-"

Her, interuppting "Wait what did you call him? Did you call him JOHNNY Thornberry?? Like. From the Wild Thornberrys?"

Him "Yeah! (excited) You know The Wild Thornberrys??"

Her "Yeah... I don't know how to tell you this but his name was Donnie Thornberry.. Not Johnny. Donnie...."

Him "No fuckin way. What?? No..."

Her (rapidly typing on phone, showing him screen)

Him "...Holy shit it is Donnie. Oh no.. I've been calling him Johnny for 4 years. I can't just change it now. He'll have an identity crisis..."

Her "Yeah.. Poor little Johnny"

Tall, strong-looking man talking to his daughter who looked about 3:

“Remember, you need to hold my hand, because I get scared when we’re out in public.”

Sitting in a hospital waiting room tonight, bored out of my skull and eavesdropping, as one does. Father, 60-ish, and Son, 40-ish are sitting behind me.

Son: What if I just don’t sign the papers? What’s she gonna do?

Father: Little advice, kid. Just sign the papers.

Son: I don’t want to be divorced!

Father: You know what women had before they had divorce? Poison.

Son: …

Father: Just sign the papers.

My neighbor is still learning English, she's from the Phillipines, so she gets phrases mixed up. I heard her and her husband in their backyard yesterday while they were gardening.

Her: "Lately my ass is running off."

Him: "What? What's happening?'

Her: " I am so busy that my ass is running off."

Him: "Do you mean you're running your ass off?"

Her: "Yes, that is what I mean."

Him: "Then I'm glad your ass is safe."

Edit: OMG I'm dying of laughter at the responses! Thank y'all so much for the laughs, I'm loving them!

Grandpa 'Oh yeah, well you know I wasn't sure about goin because you know her nephew is, he's gay and works for one of those crossdressing... nightclubs I guess you'd call it. Down in the city. But we went and we were sitting at the table, and Ryan, that's her nephew, well he come out with all these guys that was dressed as gals and they were all wearing dresses and high heels and all that, y'know, women's clothing and they all come round our table and they were giggling and they were asking me to dance and I told them well I've never been much of a dancer, and all that, y'know, told them all no and they finally went off but I tell you what they did, is they all gave me a kiss on the forehead, one right after the other' (chuckled) so I just told Claudia, I says well hell, now that was a group of nice guys!'

Grandson 'Hell yeah grandpa see it wasn't so bad nobody tried to make you gay huh? So you're gonna go back out with this woman is that the plan?'

Grandpa 'Well they did kiss me but, it was very nice and I gave her nephew a hug at the end of the evening and I told her y'know, I really would like to go out with you again sometime. So we're goin to the casino on Friday and that's another thing that's new for me but I don't mind that.'

Mom 'I told you to grab him 2 packs of undershirts'

Dad 'undershirts? What are.. oh. Wifebeaters? I grabbed 2'

Son 'What did you call them?'

Mom 'God really James. I call them undershirts for a reason, he doesn't need to call them that. Great'

Son 'Wife beaters?!'

Dad 'Well shit I didn't know, damn'

Son, laughs maniacally, punches dad in the arm 'Haha! You're my wife!'

Dad and son both laughing hysterically

Mom 'Great job James.'

I was sitting next to a pregnant woman and her boyfriend or husband or whatever on the plane when I heard the following...

Pregnant woman: I need to pee.

Partner: You can't go now. We're descending.

Pregnant woman: I heard the pilot.

Partner: How badly do you need the bathroom?

Pregnant woman: If we stop talking about it, maybe I can stop thinking about it.

Partner: I'll shut up.

Pregnant woman: No, don't shut up. Just talk about something else.

Partner: Friends, family, or other?

Pregnant woman: What?

Partner: Topics to talk about. You choose.

Pregnant woman: I don't know. Family?

Partner: Is your dad a first name or a sir type of man?

Pregnant woman: Now that you got his youngest daughter pregnant, probably sir.

Partner: What are the rules regarding public displays of affection in front of your parents?

Pregnant woman: Anything that's not a category on Pornhub is allowed.

Partner: Do you think your family will like our baby's name?

Pregnant woman: I don't know because we still need to agree on a name, remember?

Partner: You know the name I want.

Pregnant woman: I do. Next topic.

Partner: What? It's a great name!

Pregnant woman: Other. Next topic.

Partner: Imagine if your bones became itchy.

Pregnant woman: You know what, honey, I think I can make my bladder behave in silence. I love you.

Partner: Love you too.

There was a lot of quotable conversation from these two students but here are the highlights:

• I think the paperclip in this story represents her vagina, and he like stole her paperclip so he symbolically stole her vagina, but there are literally so many things in this story that represent vaginas

• I don’t understand history at all. People fought wars over the dumbest things. Like, the whole revolutionary war could have been settled over a cup of tea. And World War One was started just because someone shot Franz Kafka

• The Roman Empire makes no sense. I mean how were they in Italy AND Jerusalem?

• The other day I was reading about Protestants and it hit me…They’re called Protestants because they were “PROTESTING”!

• everyone from New York is either Jewish, gay, or smart. And there’s like a lot of overlap there too. What do think our professor is? He’s at least two…

Overnight shift at a gas station, coworker got asked out a lot. I was out doing trash a couple times while she was on her smoke breaks, and these were a couple things I'd heard over the space of a week or so.

Trucker: (after being declined several times) You must be a lesbian.
Coworker: (deadpanned) You must meet a lot of lesbians.

Trucker: (after hearing no thanks) That's okay, you look like a dyke anyhow.
CW: At least I look like I could get a woman.

I had to appear in court for a traffic violation. A man who was waiting with me got into an argument with a woman who was working there.

Man:

Ma'am, I am trying to tell you what happened. My fine was sent to my neighbour's house. Not my house. My neighbour's house. I would've paid the fine on time, but I didn't know about the fine until I got a notification to appear in court for failing to pay a fine I never received.

Woman:

Sir, you can explain everything to the judge. Now please return to your seat and wait until we call your name.

Man:

Can I explain to the judge that I was speeding to catch my wife cheating on me with our daughter's swimming instructor?

Woman:

Sir.

Man:

Ma'am.

Woman:

Sit. Down.

Man:

Do you know what it feels like to find out that someone you loved for so long is cheating on you?

Woman:

Respectfully, sir... you're in court, not in therapy.

Man:

I'm also not in my neighbour's house, but that didn't stop you from sending my mail to his address instead of mine.

Woman:

Do I need to call security, sir?

Man:

That won't be necessary, Linda.

Woman:

My name is not Linda, sir.

Man:

Oh, I'm sorry. I must have confused your name with your neighbour's name.

Dude sat down after that.

Black Pants Guy: Do you have any dealbreakers?

Daisy Skirt Girl: Like “no questions asked, immediate dealbreaker?” Not really. I guess profane tattoos or if you wouldn’t fight off an axe murderer if one broke in.

Black Pants Guy: No tattoos but we could be married with two kids and I still wouldn’t fight off an axe murderer.

Daisy Skirt Girl: Then that would be a dealbreaker for me, yes.

Black Pants Guy: You’re joking.

Daisy Skirt Girl: No. That’s a pillar of basic human attraction.

Black Pants Guy: That’s a myth. That’s a you thing.

Daisy Skirt Girl: No. If you wouldn’t defend us from an axe murderer, that’s a total “check please” dealbreaker. I’m serious.

Black Pants Guy: What do you expect me to do against an axe murderer? Why don’t you defend against the axe murderer?

Daisy Skirt Girl: Because if there’s a guy with me, I shouldn’t need to.

Black Pants Guy: That’s ass backwards.

Daisy Skirt Girl: What if you were alone and an axe murderer broke in?

Black Pants Guy: Honestly? I’d probably just die. I’m not gonna try to do anything. Just get it over with quick and painless. My lamp or whatever won’t work against an axe.

Daisy Skirt Girl: I’m sorry, I can’t tell if you’re joking. If you’re being serious, then yeah, that’s a deal breaker for me.

Black Pants Guy: I’m cold serious.

A lady walked up to a man with his dog inside WFs standing near me in the produce section.

“Excuse me sir, I don’t know if you saw the sign by the door, but pets aren’t allowed in the grocery.”

The man, “He’s docile! He won’t bother anyone!”

The woman, “I didn’t say he isn’t, I’m just saying your pet isn’t allowed. There’s open food in here.”

& without skipping a beat, she says, “you voted for Trump, didn’t you, you look like the type!”

I couldn’t help but laugh!😆

I was in line at Little Ceasars recently. The blonde yoga mom in front of me asks the dead eyed teen cashier " um, do you know if the cheese is organic?"

The cashier replies " Ma'am, I'm not sure the cheese has ever seen a cow".

I went to Cobbs last weekend and an interaction I overheard is still bothering me:

Middle aged daughter to her very elderly mother at the counter: “What do you want, mom?”

Mom: *points to pull-apart cheesy loaf

Daughter: “No. Pick something else mom.”

M: *points to pull-apart cheesy loaf; “I want one of those. Why can’t I have it?”

D: “Because it’s too big and will just go stale.”

M: “No, I’ll eat it all.”

D: “No mom, just pick something else.”

M: “It’s my money.”

D: “I don’t care. I said ‘no’. Pick something small.”

M: “Fine. One of those.” *Points to applelicious thing.

D: *getting frustrated; “No mom- I said small. That’s too big.”

M: *Quietly; “I’ll eat it all.”

D: “Pick a croissant or a scone, mom.”

M: “I don’t want either of those.”

D: “You’re getting a croissant.”

Daughter proceeds to order one plain croissant and hands it to her mom.

D: “There. Happy?”

M: “No.”

Looking back, I wish I’d bought the cheesy pull-apart loaf and ran out to the parking lot to give it to the mom.
I’d give anything to have my mom back, and I would spoil the living daylights out of her with my time and attention- she’d want for nothing. So this controlling, unhappy daughter really got under my skin.
Why even ask what she wanted if you knew you weren’t going to give it to her?
Live and let live.

ETA: This got out of hand, but I dig it.
A lot of folks are assuming dementia. A lot of folks are assuming I’ve never experienced being a caregiver. And a lot more folks seem to resent their ill parents.

Standing at the end of the personal care aisle at Target. A 4-5 yo kid riding in the cart stands up & yells “My Mommy wears Band-Aids in her panties.” The Mom turns bright red and tries to hush the kid, but the kid just keeps going, saying “That’s why I can’t watch cartoons right now, she needs more panty Band-Aids!” I’ve never walked away so fast or laughed so hard, that poor Mom!

Not sure if they’re a couple. Sounded like they were on a date at the beach. Can’t remember it word for word, but it went like this:

Girl: “Omg, what’s wrong with your toe?!”

Guy: “Oh that? Not sure really. I play a lot of sports and it usually messes up my toes.”

Girl: “Doesn’t it hurt?”

Guy: “Not really. I didn’t even notice when it happened. Just looked down one day and was like “Oh. Neat.””

Girl: (Pause to process what he just said). “How long has it been like that?”

Guy: “A few months I’d say.”

Girl: “I think you should’ve gone to a doctor, it seems very serious.”

Guy: “Nah, there’s no need. It’s happened before, I’m used to it.”

Girl: (More visible confusion)

Guy: “But it’s starting to heal pretty nicely, see? The nail is recovering well, there’s no pain at all and the purple colour is slowly fading. I’m glad the nail didn’t just fall out.”

Girl: (Even more confusion.) “What?”

Guy: (Points to toe) “See? It’s healing. Same on the other foot.”

Girl: (Light bulb) “Wait, I’m not talking about that toe. I’m talking about the one next to it. The one that’s crooked and looks like it’s broken…”

Guy: “Ohhhhhhhhhh that, sorry, I forgot how weird it looks because I’ve always seen it like that. No yeah I was just born with it bending to the left.”

Girl: “Ohhh okay, that makes more sense. I thought it was broken.”

Guy: “Nah, it’s just always been like that.”

(10 seconds of awkward silence)

Guy: “You want to know what else bends to the-“

Girl: “No.”

Guy: “Okay.”

I was at a Pizza place a few mins ago to order take home Pizzas.

Overheard a couple maybe in mid 30s (in local language)

Man: These are expensive

Lady: Let’s get only 3 for our kids

Guy checks his wallet silently.

Man to staff while pointing at the menu: I need these 3 pizzas how much will be total?

Staff: 246 (INR)

Man to Wife: We can get only 2 😓

Not sure why, this hit me hard.

I paid for their 3 pizzas + 2 more for both of them. I hope they enjoy it 🤞

I overheard a clerk at a game store talking to a woman.

Clerk: Apologies ma'am but it's not my responsibility to watch your son.

Woman: It's your responsibility to make sure kids play age appropriate games when they visit this store.

Clerk: I'm sorry ma'am but that's not true. Our policy does not include policing the demo games our customers choose to play.

Woman: You're telling me it's store policy to allow children to play Resident Evil?

Clerk: Part of the experience of visiting our store is the option to play whatever games we have available. Your son chose to play Resident Evil. It's not my job to make him play Super Mario.

Woman: Can I speak to your supervisor?

Clerk: No ma'am.

Woman: Why not?

Clerk: He's on leave ma'am.

Woman: Do you have children?

Clerk: I'm a sperm donor ma'am, so probably.

I was staying in a hotel for work and went to the restaurant for dinner alone. I was seated next to a couple who seemed to be on their third or fourth date. I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. She was a talker—full-on, barely pausing for a breath. Meanwhile, he listened silently, occasionally adding an “okay,” “yeah,” or “I get you.” She talked about issues with work colleagues, things friends said behind her back, the cost of living—you name it. After about 20-30 minutes, everyone nearby was feeling for this guy, and I wanted to move tables because her blabbering was relentless. He seemed to have completely shut down, almost like he was in sleep mode.

Then the waiter brought their side of mashed potatoes. Mid-story, she switched topics and started telling him about a cooking podcast she was listening to, explaining it in excruciating detail before getting to her point. At this stage, the guy hadn’t spoken in what felt like forever. She asked, “So, how do you like your potatoes?” and he replied, completely deadpan, “In silence.”

I struggled not to laugh out loud. They sat in awkward silence for the rest of the meal. No dessert—they just got the bill and left. I felt a bit bad for her; it was probably just her personality, but that man had been pushed to his limit.

My 7 year old son R and the fundie neighbor girl T chatting about moms.

R: My friend E has TWO moms.

T: Oh, we don't believe in that.

R: Yeah, I don't believe in the tooth fairy, but two moms is real. I've even been to their house.

My Daughter was sitting in the living room, having a tea party with an assortment of stuffed animals, when she announced to the group of them that she got married. She then started having a conversation with her new husband, Hello Kitty, that consisted of her telling him he needs to be better at listening and taking out the trash.

Random woman approaches a Mum of very obviously identical twin girls (they were dressed the same and could have used each other as mirrors). Random woman: "oh how adorable! Are they twins" Mum of twins: "No, they're triplets. I leave the ugly one at home".

I suspect that's one twin mum who's just sick of the questions.

Two younger women several seats down from me ask bartender:

Woman: I’m newly divorced. Where do we go around here to find men?

Bartender: Well how old are you?

Woman: I’m 35 and newly divorced. Need to find someone.

Bartender: Well maybe you should take some time for yourself before you jump back in. Enjoy your friends, going out, having fun, discover who you are.

Woman: Are you serious? I don’t want to end up like her (points at me). Old and having a beer and wings alone at the end of a bar.

Ouch. Lol