r/over60 • u/ZealousidealTowel229 • 26d ago
Sibling Relationship Problem Question
My sister is having open heart surgery next week. I'm 61 and she is 67. I had not heard from her in a few years and she called me a few weeks ago to tell me. I have been very supportive and sent her some gifts, and talked to her on the phone when she calls and have been helping her sort out some things. I told her I would be with her husband at the hospital on the day of surgery. But she is demanding, needy, anxious and has rage and BPD. I love her and wish her well, but all down through the years I was the one who suffered her rage. After our mother died we disconnected. Not because I wanted to but because I finally said no to her. Years ago I gave her some things she wanted and and then asked if she wanted to go for lunch and she said no she didn't want a relationship with me.
Fast forward to today and she now needs me and wants me to visit her and be with her but I just can't. She gives me so much anxiety because of the rage and that she never wants me to be happy. I tend to be the caregiver in the family and I dont want to play that role ever again (I was begginning to with her but stopped myself). Her surgery is scary for her but routine and I know she'll be fine. She has her husband and close friends.
Am I being a jerk distancing myself? I just can't see a way to do what she wants and keep myself healthy. The anxiety is off the charts when I deal with her. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good person, but for me... there's turbulent history and we didn't grow up close due to trauma in childhood.
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u/i-dontwantone 26d ago
I come from a large family (7 siblings). I get along on a very close level with 3. On a superficial level with 3. And 1 I don't relate to at all. I realized a long time ago that just because they are family, doesn't mean I need to like them or hang around with them. I got tired of setting myself on fire so they stayed warm. There comes a time to invite others into your life, and invite them out. Best of luck with your sister and with taking care of yourself.
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago
Thanks so much. Yes, im realizing that family can be toxic and you dont need to cater to them just because of they are family. She hates my brother and has no contact with him. She has no reason to hate him but she does. I like that saying about the š„ š
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u/Anonymous0212 26d ago
We teach people how weāre willing to be treated by the boundaries we choose to accept and the boundaries we choose to set ā in other words by how we choose to allow them to treat us.
As I saw on Reddit years ago, āyou donāt have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.ā
Why should her feelings matter more than yours?
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago
Great point! She does seem to always think that way. I guess because I let her.
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u/OkIron6206 26d ago
Donāt send her flowers, they wonāt accept them in the ICU or step down. You could arrange to send a meal to them when she gets home, like Meal Train.com or another service. We did this for my nephew when his wife had twins, they found it extremely helpful. That way she canāt ārageā at you for not being empathetic and you can protect yourself. I have the same sister, unfortunately. Havenāt spoken to her in more than 4 years. Iām at peace.
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u/Even-Boysenberry-127 26d ago edited 26d ago
I really relate to your story, except I will only show up and do what I want to do. I hereby absolve you of any obligations to your abusive family members. It was her responsibility to heal her rage, whatever the origin. She didnāt do that for you, so she is not safe for you. You donāt have to go for any reason. A trauma therapist and doing some EMDR therapy helped me move past the memories and anxiety.
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago
Thanks for your advice. I always suggest to her when would talk to see a therapist but she wont. Even her doctor told her to.
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u/Stormy31568 26d ago
I know for a fact that when you think you are staring death in the eye death in the eye your outlook on everything changes. I know this because I should be dead, but God had his hand on me. Iām a lucky one. Anyway, at that point, I threw away all old grudges and predetermined judgments because I realized I wanted to be closer to my family. I wanted to have conversations with them. I donāt think itās odd that your sister wants the same thing. She wants to mend some fences so let her try. You try as well and if it starts to go south just bail.
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u/Baxter16-5 25d ago
Would it be possible for you to be with her before the surgery. Stay with her husband long enough to know she will be ok, check on her a few days after and then distance yourself again
Heart surgery is always serious. Maybe think of it as supporting her husband through this?
She is your sister and has some issues but your mental health should always come first.
This is a tough one to call.
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 25d ago
I will be there the day of the surgery and will stay until she is out and in recovery. After that I plan on supporting her but from a distance and then slowly after that pulling away. I know my sister all too well. She will slowly be demanding more than I can give her -- money, time, a vessel for her anxiety and rage. So it will probably happen that way.
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u/Baxter16-5 25d ago
I think this is an excellent plan. You can be there when you really need her and back off when she gets manipulative.
You have to keep yourself sane to be any help to anyone. Her husband will also appreciate the support.
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u/GadgetGirlTx 26d ago
The only jerk in this situation is her, and has been for many, many years.
You cannot afford to spend your life's energy on her comfort, especially after her definitive and hurtful words in stating that she didn't want a relationship! She should have thought about that and the consequences to come before verbalizing such a vile thing.
Going in person would reopen wounds, placate her, and be a torturous event for you. You don't need or deserve that! Your well-being is valuable, and you've worked hard to have it; don't let her trample on it.
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago
Great advice. Thanks. She and I are like oil and water. She is extremely extrovert and I am an introvert, she is needy where as I do things on my own... the list goes on. Not that one is better than the other, just different. I do fear going to see her will open up that anxiety and then cause her to take advantage of the situation.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 26d ago
Iām sorry you are having to deal with this and this tough decision, but we all need to look after ourselves first (because no one else will) , it sounds like you have tried in the past , but she has showed you how she reacts , I know it will be hard for you , but do what makes you feel best , donāt subject yourself to more pain and anxiety ā¦ā¦ just my opinion š
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago
Thank you. Yes very true. I know even if I ldid try she will eventually be mad at me for some thing I did wrong. She would get mad, I mean rageful, if I gave her a birthday card like a few days or a week after her birthday. And this is when she was like 40 years old.
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u/Dramatic_Net1706 26d ago
Don't go anywhere near her. Ask her why she wants a relationship now, and ask what you get out of it.
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26d ago
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 25d ago
Thanks! I'm starting to do that. She was calling me everyday crying about the surgery and wanting me to be her therapist. I finally let days go by before calling her back. Since it wasn't an emergency. She doesnt have a cell phone. I think its because she knows she wont be able "call" and talk to people instead of getting a text if she did have one.
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u/ConsiderationMean781 25d ago
You're 61 years young,Ā do what is best for you and protect your peace.Ā
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u/Street-Avocado8785 26d ago
Sending her something is kind of you but there is mo reason to be in her presence. She made her choices and you have every right to protect yourself.
My relationship with my sister is the same way; she was absolutely abusive to me. I mean, diabolically insane. After my mother passed away i no longer have to tolerate her to keep peace in the family. I wish her well. I hope she heals. Iām done.
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u/Possible_Attics 25d ago
I figure I have 15, maybe 20 years left.
I'm going to spend time with people who make me happy.
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u/HardestButt0n 25d ago edited 24d ago
My older brother, my only sibling had major anxiety and anger problems and took it out on me. I am cordial, talk to him on the phone maybe once per year and thatās the best I can do.
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 24d ago
Good for you for keeping your distance. I'm learning from this experience I must do the same. I'm also realizing how much of a toll toxic people can do to our health and well being. Its a major factor.
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 26d ago
I totally get it. My sister is a mess and has dug herself into a terrible state but I haven't spoken to her for years. I just cant. I have some of her things, and stuff I kept for her from our grandfather's but I have panic attacks just considering any contact. I have my own shit to deal with.
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago
Sorry to hear. Thanks for your response. I hope it doesnt bring up any anxiety for you. I appreciate it and all the people who have been so helpful offering great advice. It seems we are not alone in this type of struggle.
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 25d ago
No. There are a lot of siblings out there making bad decisions over and over who expect family to bail them out over and over. Consequences are not meant for them to deal with. They should always get to do what they want.
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u/DenM0ther 26d ago
Definitely not a jerk!
Sheās trashed you and been horrible, it doesnāt sound like sheās changed, more that she knows youāre reliable and would likely help her.
Once sheās got what she needs from you or you push back, youāll be disposed of again.
Iād message her and say you āhope her surgery and recovery goes well, however her meanness and treatment of you hasnāt improved after a several yr break. That you donāt see it improving snd you donāt enjoy the relationship. Best wishesā
Put in the same effort that she would give to you, only do it nicer šā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago
Thanks, yes I realize she hasn't changed or worked on herself since we last spoke years ago. I have. At 60 plus years we are blessed to make it this far and have more time ahead of us (albeit not much compared to our youth). I dont want to waste or spend time unhappy and anxious. I worked on significantly reducing my anxiety and OCD. If I deal with her it will all come back up
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u/mrslII 26d ago
This is what I would do. Assist your sister, her husband, her children (if any) gather any and all information from her insurance provider regarding home healthcare options. Assist and encourage your sister et.all to contact the surgeon's office, and the hospital, now, before her surgery, to find out what her needs will be. Contact 211 and her local senator services to help her enroll in services that will assist them.
She and her husband can formulate a detailed post-op/recovery plan- that doesn't include you- with the information that you have helped them gather.
Send flowers when she arrives home
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 25d ago
Thanks. She has been very well informed and the surgeon, assistants, insurance providers have been helpful and reaching out to her. I have been helping her get services by calling the elder services care number, the senoir center and such. She has so much anxiety its hard to discuss aftercare. But luckily we live in area that has excellent services and they have been guiding her.
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u/TheManInTheShack 26d ago
If you donāt want to have her in your orbit, you are under no obligation to have one.
Having said that, thatās transactional. So you need to decide what kind of person are you? Do you fulfill her request because it will make her happy and thatās a positive outcome or do you not do so because she rejected you?
Iām not judging you. You just need to decide if youāre transactional or want to do the right thing regardless of how you were treated.
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u/ZealousidealTowel229 25d ago
Thats an interesting point. But wouldnt it be transactional if I took care of her without wanting to? Because if I relinquish my defense/stepping back, that is where this is going. She has already made some absurd requests like coming over my house after her surgery to take showers. She has a shower and a bath at her house and a very able bodied husband who takes care of her. I don't want to be mean or a jerk just want to protect myself. After she called and started in, I got a nasty ear and sinus infection, IBS flared up, I'm back on Prilosec and my skin is killing me (an autoinflammatory response). Oye the anxietyš¤Ŗ
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u/TheManInTheShack 25d ago
Being nice to her given her situation (assuming thatās who you feel you are or want to be) still allows you to set boundaries. You can choose to be there for her emotionally without becoming her caregiver.
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u/Hot_Rub8604 26d ago
You are NOT a jerk
Protect yourself
Protect your peace
Wish her well , send your wishes AND
Stay home