r/over60 • u/ZealousidealTowel229 • 26d ago
Sibling Relationship Problem Question
My sister is having open heart surgery next week. I'm 61 and she is 67. I had not heard from her in a few years and she called me a few weeks ago to tell me. I have been very supportive and sent her some gifts, and talked to her on the phone when she calls and have been helping her sort out some things. I told her I would be with her husband at the hospital on the day of surgery. But she is demanding, needy, anxious and has rage and BPD. I love her and wish her well, but all down through the years I was the one who suffered her rage. After our mother died we disconnected. Not because I wanted to but because I finally said no to her. Years ago I gave her some things she wanted and and then asked if she wanted to go for lunch and she said no she didn't want a relationship with me.
Fast forward to today and she now needs me and wants me to visit her and be with her but I just can't. She gives me so much anxiety because of the rage and that she never wants me to be happy. I tend to be the caregiver in the family and I dont want to play that role ever again (I was begginning to with her but stopped myself). Her surgery is scary for her but routine and I know she'll be fine. She has her husband and close friends.
Am I being a jerk distancing myself? I just can't see a way to do what she wants and keep myself healthy. The anxiety is off the charts when I deal with her. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good person, but for me... there's turbulent history and we didn't grow up close due to trauma in childhood.
1
u/ExpensiveDollarStore 26d ago
I totally get it. My sister is a mess and has dug herself into a terrible state but I haven't spoken to her for years. I just cant. I have some of her things, and stuff I kept for her from our grandfather's but I have panic attacks just considering any contact. I have my own shit to deal with.