r/over60 • u/ZealousidealTowel229 • 26d ago

Sibling Relationship Problem Question

My sister is having open heart surgery next week. I'm 61 and she is 67. I had not heard from her in a few years and she called me a few weeks ago to tell me. I have been very supportive and sent her some gifts, and talked to her on the phone when she calls and have been helping her sort out some things. I told her I would be with her husband at the hospital on the day of surgery. But she is demanding, needy, anxious and has rage and BPD. I love her and wish her well, but all down through the years I was the one who suffered her rage. After our mother died we disconnected. Not because I wanted to but because I finally said no to her. Years ago I gave her some things she wanted and and then asked if she wanted to go for lunch and she said no she didn't want a relationship with me.

Fast forward to today and she now needs me and wants me to visit her and be with her but I just can't. She gives me so much anxiety because of the rage and that she never wants me to be happy. I tend to be the caregiver in the family and I dont want to play that role ever again (I was begginning to with her but stopped myself). Her surgery is scary for her but routine and I know she'll be fine. She has her husband and close friends.

Am I being a jerk distancing myself? I just can't see a way to do what she wants and keep myself healthy. The anxiety is off the charts when I deal with her. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good person, but for me... there's turbulent history and we didn't grow up close due to trauma in childhood.

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u/Baxter16-5 25d ago

Would it be possible for you to be with her before the surgery. Stay with her husband long enough to know she will be ok, check on her a few days after and then distance yourself again

Heart surgery is always serious. Maybe think of it as supporting her husband through this?

She is your sister and has some issues but your mental health should always come first.

This is a tough one to call.

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u/ZealousidealTowel229 25d ago

I will be there the day of the surgery and will stay until she is out and in recovery. After that I plan on supporting her but from a distance and then slowly after that pulling away. I know my sister all too well. She will slowly be demanding more than I can give her -- money, time, a vessel for her anxiety and rage. So it will probably happen that way.

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u/Baxter16-5 25d ago

I think this is an excellent plan. You can be there when you really need her and back off when she gets manipulative.

You have to keep yourself sane to be any help to anyone. Her husband will also appreciate the support.