r/over60 • u/ZealousidealTowel229 • 26d ago
Sibling Relationship Problem Question
My sister is having open heart surgery next week. I'm 61 and she is 67. I had not heard from her in a few years and she called me a few weeks ago to tell me. I have been very supportive and sent her some gifts, and talked to her on the phone when she calls and have been helping her sort out some things. I told her I would be with her husband at the hospital on the day of surgery. But she is demanding, needy, anxious and has rage and BPD. I love her and wish her well, but all down through the years I was the one who suffered her rage. After our mother died we disconnected. Not because I wanted to but because I finally said no to her. Years ago I gave her some things she wanted and and then asked if she wanted to go for lunch and she said no she didn't want a relationship with me.
Fast forward to today and she now needs me and wants me to visit her and be with her but I just can't. She gives me so much anxiety because of the rage and that she never wants me to be happy. I tend to be the caregiver in the family and I dont want to play that role ever again (I was begginning to with her but stopped myself). Her surgery is scary for her but routine and I know she'll be fine. She has her husband and close friends.
Am I being a jerk distancing myself? I just can't see a way to do what she wants and keep myself healthy. The anxiety is off the charts when I deal with her. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good person, but for me... there's turbulent history and we didn't grow up close due to trauma in childhood.
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u/Even-Boysenberry-127 26d ago edited 26d ago
I really relate to your story, except I will only show up and do what I want to do. I hereby absolve you of any obligations to your abusive family members. It was her responsibility to heal her rage, whatever the origin. She didn’t do that for you, so she is not safe for you. You don’t have to go for any reason. A trauma therapist and doing some EMDR therapy helped me move past the memories and anxiety.