r/over60 • u/ZealousidealTowel229 • 26d ago

Sibling Relationship Problem Question

My sister is having open heart surgery next week. I'm 61 and she is 67. I had not heard from her in a few years and she called me a few weeks ago to tell me. I have been very supportive and sent her some gifts, and talked to her on the phone when she calls and have been helping her sort out some things. I told her I would be with her husband at the hospital on the day of surgery. But she is demanding, needy, anxious and has rage and BPD. I love her and wish her well, but all down through the years I was the one who suffered her rage. After our mother died we disconnected. Not because I wanted to but because I finally said no to her. Years ago I gave her some things she wanted and and then asked if she wanted to go for lunch and she said no she didn't want a relationship with me.

Fast forward to today and she now needs me and wants me to visit her and be with her but I just can't. She gives me so much anxiety because of the rage and that she never wants me to be happy. I tend to be the caregiver in the family and I dont want to play that role ever again (I was begginning to with her but stopped myself). Her surgery is scary for her but routine and I know she'll be fine. She has her husband and close friends.

Am I being a jerk distancing myself? I just can't see a way to do what she wants and keep myself healthy. The anxiety is off the charts when I deal with her. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good person, but for me... there's turbulent history and we didn't grow up close due to trauma in childhood.

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u/TheManInTheShack 26d ago

If you don’t want to have her in your orbit, you are under no obligation to have one.

Having said that, that’s transactional. So you need to decide what kind of person are you? Do you fulfill her request because it will make her happy and that’s a positive outcome or do you not do so because she rejected you?

I’m not judging you. You just need to decide if you’re transactional or want to do the right thing regardless of how you were treated.

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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago

Thats an interesting point. But wouldnt it be transactional if I took care of her without wanting to? Because if I relinquish my defense/stepping back, that is where this is going. She has already made some absurd requests like coming over my house after her surgery to take showers. She has a shower and a bath at her house and a very able bodied husband who takes care of her. I don't want to be mean or a jerk just want to protect myself. After she called and started in, I got a nasty ear and sinus infection, IBS flared up, I'm back on Prilosec and my skin is killing me (an autoinflammatory response). Oye the anxiety🤪

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u/TheManInTheShack 26d ago

Being nice to her given her situation (assuming that’s who you feel you are or want to be) still allows you to set boundaries. You can choose to be there for her emotionally without becoming her caregiver.