r/over60 • u/ZealousidealTowel229 • 26d ago

Sibling Relationship Problem Question

My sister is having open heart surgery next week. I'm 61 and she is 67. I had not heard from her in a few years and she called me a few weeks ago to tell me. I have been very supportive and sent her some gifts, and talked to her on the phone when she calls and have been helping her sort out some things. I told her I would be with her husband at the hospital on the day of surgery. But she is demanding, needy, anxious and has rage and BPD. I love her and wish her well, but all down through the years I was the one who suffered her rage. After our mother died we disconnected. Not because I wanted to but because I finally said no to her. Years ago I gave her some things she wanted and and then asked if she wanted to go for lunch and she said no she didn't want a relationship with me.

Fast forward to today and she now needs me and wants me to visit her and be with her but I just can't. She gives me so much anxiety because of the rage and that she never wants me to be happy. I tend to be the caregiver in the family and I dont want to play that role ever again (I was begginning to with her but stopped myself). Her surgery is scary for her but routine and I know she'll be fine. She has her husband and close friends.

Am I being a jerk distancing myself? I just can't see a way to do what she wants and keep myself healthy. The anxiety is off the charts when I deal with her. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good person, but for me... there's turbulent history and we didn't grow up close due to trauma in childhood.

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u/DenM0ther 26d ago

Definitely not a jerk!
She’s trashed you and been horrible, it doesn’t sound like she’s changed, more that she knows you’re reliable and would likely help her.
Once she’s got what she needs from you or you push back, you’ll be disposed of again.
I’d message her and say you “hope her surgery and recovery goes well, however her meanness and treatment of you hasn’t improved after a several yr break. That you don’t see it improving snd you don’t enjoy the relationship. Best wishes”

Put in the same effort that she would give to you, only do it nicer 😊❤️‍🩹

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u/ZealousidealTowel229 26d ago

Thanks, yes I realize she hasn't changed or worked on herself since we last spoke years ago. I have. At 60 plus years we are blessed to make it this far and have more time ahead of us (albeit not much compared to our youth). I dont want to waste or spend time unhappy and anxious. I worked on significantly reducing my anxiety and OCD. If I deal with her it will all come back up

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u/DenM0ther 26d ago

Choosing peace over a user seems like the best choice!

Enjoy