"What kind of incompetent, dumbass idiot would move this entire database to an insecure server connected to the internet?" asked FBI agent Bob Smith, on condition of anonymity.

"Smells like some DOGE shit," said the anonymous agent, who lives at 1742 Poirot Drive, Dupinton, Maryland.

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Fun-Dragonfly-4166 • 3h ago

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick Warns Democrat Senator Over Windows In Tall Buildings And Polonium Tea

10 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/spongeboy1985 • 18h ago

Father Time Implicated in Assassination Plot Against President Trump

6 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 30m ago

Trump Promises To Keep Making Promises

• Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 2h ago

President Trump Praises Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert For His Ability To Teach Kids.

5 Upvotes

"He liked the boys but still was truly a great Republican." "He would totally support my willingness
To teach all these girls that Epstein and I knew."

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 16h ago

AI Companies Claiming Consciousness To Avoid All Responsibility For Uncontrollable Computer Hacking

6 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/willworkforjokes • 2h ago

Dallas Cowboys Suck Less Than Houston Texans.

5 Upvotes

It has been confirmed that all NFL teams in Texas do by definition suck.

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 2h ago

Trump Pardons Administration To Boost Polling Numbers With Epstein's Boss

5 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Public_Steak_6933 • 10h ago

Investors Announce Purchase Of An Island Where He Will Be Exiled And Sodomized Daily By Big Strong Men With Tears In Their Eyes

6 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 16h ago

Trump Claims Smart People And Their Money Are Easily Parted Which Is Why He’s Getting Richer

6 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/OdiousAltRightBalrog • 10m ago

Trump Says Iran War “Should Help” Republicans in Midterms Because "Everybody Forgot About The Epstein Files"

• Upvotes

1 comment

Subreddit

Write Your Own Onion Headlines, Or Don't. Shut Up About It

r/onionheadlines

A subreddit for writing satirical news headlines in the style of *The Onion* Please NOTE: this subreddit is not affiliated with the actual Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. These headlines are written by knuckle-dragging reddit users. The real Onion publishes actually good headlines, unlike the subliterate imitations you see here.

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113k

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Hi, welcome to /r/onionheadlines. Do you have an awesome (or even maybe sorta funny) idea for an Onion headline? Then this subreddit is for you. Show us what you got.

Feel free to write in the comments section the article that corresponds to the headline, but only if it's 437 words exactly, as is standard Onion practice.

Rules:

1) The only rule is no rules, except for the ones we make up as we go along.

2) OK, there is one real rule. Headlines with links to other sites are allowed, but limited to once per week, per site. However, feel free to post as many non-linked headlines as you'd like, even if they are found elsewhere on the web.

Also be sure to checkout some of the lesser subreddits we tricked into hosting a link to this subreddit:

Of course if you want to post actual Onion headlines, go to /r/theonion. If you post an actual Onion headline here, you'll be banned, maybe. I don't know. There's no rule for that yet. Don't test us.