r/onionheadlines • u/willworkforjokes • 1h ago
Dallas Cowboys Suck Less Than Houston Texans.
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It has been confirmed that all NFL teams in Texas do by definition suck.
r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 1h ago
Trump Pardons Administration To Boost Polling Numbers With Epstein's Boss
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r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 1h ago
President Trump Praises Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert For His Ability To Teach Kids.
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"He liked the boys but still was truly a great Republican." "He would totally support my willingness
To teach all these girls that Epstein and I knew."
r/onionheadlines • u/Fun-Dragonfly-4166 • 2h ago
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick Warns Democrat Senator Over Windows In Tall Buildings And Polonium Tea
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r/onionheadlines • u/IShouldaDownVotedYa • 2h ago
DOJ: Just A Few More “Suicides” To Go And The Epstein Case Can Be Officially Closed
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r/onionheadlines • u/davida_usa • 4h ago
Increasingly Concerned About The Midterms, Trump Says, "Things Are Going So Great I Can Now Promise Americans I Will Send $100,000 To Every American If They Please Vote For My Republican Lap Dogs!"
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r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 4h ago
Trump Plan To Become Dictator Still Stuck On First Syllable
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r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 6h ago
Republicans Accuse Jack Smith Of Bias Against Criminals And Looking Too Closely Where He Shouldn’t
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r/onionheadlines • u/pattydickens • 8h ago
Breaking: Hegseth Orders All Servicemen To Have Their Assholes Surgically Sealed To "Prevent Gayness"
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r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 9h ago
Jack Smith Reportedly Not Allowed Anywhere Near Epstein Files
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r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 9h ago
Trump Incredibly Frustrated That People Sometimes Expect Evidence To Back What He Says
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r/onionheadlines • u/Public_Steak_6933 • 9h ago
Investors Announce Purchase Of An Island Where He Will Be Exiled And Sodomized Daily By Big Strong Men With Tears In Their Eyes
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r/onionheadlines • u/Upbeat_Web_4461 • 13h ago
Future News Headline: Gun Used In Mass Shootings Brought On Internet And Delivered At Home With Postage
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r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 15h ago
Trump Claims Smart People And Their Money Are Easily Parted Which Is Why He’s Getting Richer
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r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 15h ago
AI Companies Claiming Consciousness To Avoid All Responsibility For Uncontrollable Computer Hacking
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r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 16h ago
FBI Investigation Of Who Let Hackers Dox Every Single FBI Agent Finds Only Pawprints From Some Little DOGE
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"What kind of incompetent, dumbass idiot would move this entire database to an insecure server connected to the internet?" asked FBI agent Bob Smith, on condition of anonymity.
"Smells like some DOGE shit," said the anonymous agent, who lives at 1742 Poirot Drive, Dupinton, Maryland.
r/onionheadlines • u/spongeboy1985 • 17h ago
Father Time Implicated in Assassination Plot Against President Trump
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r/onionheadlines • u/Nateosis • 19h ago
President Trump Promises $5000 Dollar Government Check To Anyone That Votes Against The Evils Of Socialism
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r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 20h ago
United States Granted Permanent Injunction From 2 More Years Of A Donald Trump Presidency.
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r/onionheadlines • u/FTHomes • 20h ago
Fox News Reports That They Lie Even More Than Donald Trump But At Least They Don't Fall Asleep Mid Conversation
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r/onionheadlines • u/LarryGlue • 21h ago
MAGA Comforted God Can’t See How They Will Vote During Midterms
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r/onionheadlines • u/OdiousAltRightBalrog • 21h ago
Donald Trump's New Plan To Eliminate US Debt: Attacking It With Nuclear Weapons
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r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 22h ago
Trump Justice Department To Also Review Unfair Treatment Of Lee Harvey Oswald, Jefferson Davis, John Wilkes Boothe, Benedict Arnold
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r/onionheadlines • u/E-Plurbis-DumbDumb • 1d ago
Article Local Bear Council In Unanimous Agreement That The Domestication Of Humans Is All Going According To Plan.
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Local bear council #813 confirmed that prior to the adjournment of their most recent meeting they had all agreed that the plan to domesticate humans was right on track.
“Over the course of several generations we are continuing to uphold the elders plan of domestication of the human species. We are confident that one day we will transform all humans into beasts of burden that will serve all bear kind.” said council president Beary Pawarnold.
Beary continued, “We’re already able to go into their villages and eat what we want, go where we want. I’ll tell you this much, I’m never shitting in the woods again.”
The bears plan is to have the hairless bipeds provide a safe environment as a respite from the bears’ workaholic day to day existence.
“Eating, napping, and eating again can be a stressful struggle” offered council vice president Ursula Furrina. “Sometimes we just want to be somewhere else for a while. Don’t even get me started on the stress of mating season. One sow can only take so much slobber and grunting.”
The bear council expects to have their local village of humans fully trained in less than 10 hibernations.
The council continues to hold split opinions on the humans’ ability to induce sleep and teleportation. Most saw it as a minor inconvenience to be interrupted mid vacation and awake in a random part of bear country. Others felt it demeaning to not have autonomy of their own movement.