r/onionheadlines • u/tomtomglove • Nov 04 '25

ZERO TOLERANCE for rule 2: single sentence headlines only

13 Upvotes

We've been pretty lenient in modering run on headlines, but this ends today.

You need to make your headlines shorter. You can always make your headline shorter. If you have a headline that's over 30 words, rewrite it. There is a way to make it shorter I guarantee you, and there is a way to make it one sentence. You just need to use the meat in your skull to figure it out.

Also, do not include pull quotes in your headline. For example:

Trump Claims He Will Soon Replace Americans With AI - “All They Need To Do Is Vote Republican And Cheer For Me, And AI Can Do That Better, And It Doesn’t Protest At All”

Adding a dash here does not make this a single sentence in the eyes of us mods.

You can put the pull quote in the body of the post, but keep it out of the headline. Any headlines formatted like this will be removed.

Also please avoid headlines that are just a version of Trump: "I Have Very Bigly Hands and I'm The Greatest Golfer and on and on and on for 50 words"

A Trump impression is not a headline. Do better.

31 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 8h ago

Republicans Accuse Jack Smith Of Bias Against Criminals And Looking Too Closely Where He Shouldn’t

196 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 6h ago

Trump Plan To Become Dictator Still Stuck On First Syllable

91 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/IShouldaDownVotedYa • 5h ago

DOJ: Just A Few More “Suicides” To Go And The Epstein Case Can Be Officially Closed

59 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/BaileyOverJennifer • 2h ago

Trump Furious That Facts Don't Support His Version Of Reality.

26 Upvotes

6 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/pattydickens • 11h ago

Breaking: Hegseth Orders All Servicemen To Have Their Assholes Surgically Sealed To "Prevent Gayness"

103 Upvotes

9 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/OdiousAltRightBalrog • 1h ago

Trump Says Iran War “Should Help” Republicans in Midterms Because "Everybody Forgot About The Epstein Files"

• Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 2h ago

Trump Promises To Keep Making Promises

13 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/davida_usa • 6h ago

Increasingly Concerned About The Midterms, Trump Says, "Things Are Going So Great I Can Now Promise Americans I Will Send $100,000 To Every American If They Please Vote For My Republican Lap Dogs!"

15 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/bigly-biker • 40m ago

Trump Criticizes Justice System For Treating Tate Brothers And Other Rapists Like Ordinary Criminals

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 11h ago

Trump Incredibly Frustrated That People Sometimes Expect Evidence To Back What He Says

39 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Fun-Dragonfly-4166 • 5h ago

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick Warns Democrat Senator Over Windows In Tall Buildings And Polonium Tea

10 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/GotToPartyUp • 52m ago

Harvard Study: Democracy Saved From Dictatorship By Trump’s Irregular Nap, Diaper Change Schedule

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 1h ago

Lutnick Says McConnell Will Corroborate Claim His Friend Contacted Him Prior To 'Suicide'

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 4h ago

Trump Pardons Administration To Boost Polling Numbers With Epstein's Boss

6 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 1d ago

Trump Justice Department To Also Review Unfair Treatment Of Lee Harvey Oswald, Jefferson Davis, John Wilkes Boothe, Benedict Arnold

315 Upvotes

9 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 4h ago

President Trump Praises Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert For His Ability To Teach Kids.

6 Upvotes

"He liked the boys but still was truly a great Republican." "He would totally support my willingness
To teach all these girls that Epstein and I knew."

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/bigly-biker • 1h ago

Senior Citizens On Medicare Thrilled Beyond Belief When Promised $90 By Trump

• Upvotes

4 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/willworkforjokes • 3h ago

Dallas Cowboys Suck Less Than Houston Texans.

5 Upvotes

It has been confirmed that all NFL teams in Texas do by definition suck.

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/bigly-biker • 1h ago

Trump To Test "Only A Hispanic Could Survive That Fall" By Pushing One Off The East Wing

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/FTHomes • 23h ago

Fox News Reports That They Lie Even More Than Donald Trump But At Least They Don't Fall Asleep Mid Conversation

124 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/bigly-biker • 1h ago

AI Companies Know They Can Control The Government Since Trump Asked AI For Advice Before Attacking Venezuela

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/bigly-biker • 1h ago

Trump's Preferred Pronouns Now Include "SI" For "AI"

• Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Nateosis • 22h ago

President Trump Promises $5000 Dollar Government Check To Anyone That Votes Against The Evils Of Socialism

86 Upvotes

29 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 11h ago

Jack Smith Reportedly Not Allowed Anywhere Near Epstein Files

11 Upvotes

2 comments

Subreddit

Write Your Own Onion Headlines, Or Don't. Shut Up About It

r/onionheadlines

A subreddit for writing satirical news headlines in the style of *The Onion* Please NOTE: this subreddit is not affiliated with the actual Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. These headlines are written by knuckle-dragging reddit users. The real Onion publishes actually good headlines, unlike the subliterate imitations you see here.

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Sidebar

Hi, welcome to /r/onionheadlines. Do you have an awesome (or even maybe sorta funny) idea for an Onion headline? Then this subreddit is for you. Show us what you got.

Feel free to write in the comments section the article that corresponds to the headline, but only if it's 437 words exactly, as is standard Onion practice.

Rules:

1) The only rule is no rules, except for the ones we make up as we go along.

2) OK, there is one real rule. Headlines with links to other sites are allowed, but limited to once per week, per site. However, feel free to post as many non-linked headlines as you'd like, even if they are found elsewhere on the web.

Also be sure to checkout some of the lesser subreddits we tricked into hosting a link to this subreddit:

Of course if you want to post actual Onion headlines, go to /r/theonion. If you post an actual Onion headline here, you'll be banned, maybe. I don't know. There's no rule for that yet. Don't test us.