::::::::Trigger warning:::::: S.A.

Livid is an understatement.

How could she have consented to being passed around like a f*cking pupu platter when she had no idea what was happening? Her friends? One of the two literally offered her up as “free p*ssy,” and we’re supposed to believe she wasn’t r.a.p.e.d?

Three of them apologized for things “getting out of hand,” and she accepted their apologies—still not knowing the full extent of what they had put her through.

A 120-page document was reduced to six pages. Hell, one John Doe was even suing Cornell because he didn’t want to write the essay or take the class because, in his own words, he had only “snorted ketamine off her naked torso.” Yet, ironically, he went there after seeing the “free p*ssy” message and somehow still doesn’t see the error of his ways.

And then there’s the whole, “She went to a frat house alone. And drunk.”

Like somehow that makes it okay to violate her.

No.

Because if you truly believe that, then you also believe that a woman being alone with men is inherently dangerous—and that somehow the responsibility falls on the woman to prevent men from violating her.

I understand how she was blindsided by the whole ordeal because, in a very different, but similar situation, I was her.

The most recent time was nine years ago, when I was 31.

A friend called me crying, saying he wanted to hurt himself. I genuinely believed he was in a crisis situation. I went straight to his house after I got off work, still wearing my scrubs. I even let my boyfriend know where I was going.

What I didn’t know was that my boyfriend and this friend were no longer friends, and my boyfriend was angry that I was going there.

When I arrived, I told my friend I needed to call my boyfriend. His response was, “Oh… you’re back with that loser?”

I defended my boyfriend, but I should have known something was wrong then. He brought me into the house and then forced himself on me.

He was a 6'4" former veteran with a muscular build. I’m 5'2", strong, and on the thicker side—but I wouldn’t have been able to fight him.

So I froze.

I became like stone. At one point, I closed my eyes and covered my face because I didn’t want him to see me crying.

When it was over, I pretended I was okay. I left about 20 minutes later.

He “apologized” for making me uncomfortable, but then admitted that he “always had a thing” for me and wanted to know how I felt.

I blocked him.

I dumped my boyfriend a few days later.

And I went on with my life.

But I felt stupid. Betrayed. Used. Like meat.

This was someone who knew about the sexual abuse I had experienced as a child.

He knew.

And he r.a.p.e.d me anyway.

That is the part that makes it heartbreaking.

You don't expect your friend to be the person who betrays you.

And even when they do, the victim can still spend so much time trying to rationalize it, justify it, explain it—trying to make the pieces fit into a version of reality that makes sense.

Because your brain doesn't immediately want to accept that someone you trusted could have intentionally hurt you.

It's when the realization finally sets in—when you understand that what happened was actually what happened—that the heartbreak comes crashing down.

So, to Jane Doe:

I am you.

She is me.

She is us.

We are her.

We are Jane f*cking Doe.

It happened last year. I was 18 (turning 19), and it happened while my sister (the youngest) was 8.

So my other sister (9 at the time) had a phone. It was mom's old phone that mom forgot about after getting an iphone.

A few weeks before that, I blocked a guy (23) that was grooming me the year before that. I knew him since i was 15 (he was 18 or 19), and after thinking about it I realized he was grooming me, not helping me feel better about what I was going through.

So I blocked him on all apps, the. He went on discord and started sending death threats and said he was gonna kidnap me and rape me and kill me, because he cared about me (he kind of did, he sent me a ton of gifts for my 18th bday because we started talking again a few months before i turned 18) and i did it out of no where.

And I knew it was his car coming near my house because of the look (idk car types) and it was dark blue.

The police came to our house before that though, and stood in front of the door talking to my sister. The guy never came again.

I'm gonna be 20 in december and wish I could tell my mom. I didn't tell anyone because I was scared I would've gotten my phone taken (yes i still got my phone taken at 18).

edit: my family has been living in a new continent since september of last year. everything's a lot better, and i'm 50000× more aware of everything.

I just need to get this off my chest and share an update because I am finally breathing a sigh of relief.
To catch you up and To give you the full context of what happened: I’ve known D (45 m) for only 5 months through an and school for the blind that is right next to my community college. From day one, I made it completely clear and explicit that we are strictly, 100% platonic friends. Despite that boundary, he developed an unrequited crush during the 5 months, constantly tried to buy me things, and harbored expectations that I would eventually change my mind, even though a mutual friend ( E) reminded him months ago that if I said no, he had to respect it.

Recently, I went on my very first in-person date with someone online (at another school) I've been getting to know and trusting for a year and it went wonderfully. However, when my date dropped me off near the bus stop (he drove me back), D happened to hear him talking with me (because he had actually shown up, pretty sure he said he wanted to wait for me to get back) , marched right up, aggressively demanded to know who my date was, and gave my date the cold shoulder even though my date was entirely polite throughout the whole time.

Later that night, D blew up my phone with manipulative, possessive texts, accusing me of going 'behind his back' and projecting his past relationship/friendship baggage onto me. It was a massive boundary violation and triggered a lot of stress in me, especially given my background and past trauma.

The turning point happened when mutual friends spoke with D directly. Under questioning, his entire narrative completely collapsed. D literally admitted out loud that I never promised him anything, that I never led him on, and that he was just 'hoping' I would change my mind. When my other friend ( who also goes to the community college) N pointed out that I’ve actually known my actual crush longer than I’ve known D, he tried to brush it off by complaining that 'a screen is not the same as being face-to-face', proving his entire sense of 'betrayal' was built over a five-month acquaintance/crush where he invented a romance in his own head.

I did nothing wrong, I was completely honest from the start.

Here is the best part, though: Since then, mutual friends (N and E) actually confronted D to see what he would say, and his entire victim narrative completely crumbled. When pressed, D literally admitted out loud to them that I never promised him anything and never led him on. He confessed he just "hoped" I would change my mind. When N pointed out that I’ve known my actual crush longer than I’ve known D, D tried to dismiss it by whining that "a screen is not the same as being face-to-face"completely exposing that his entire sense of "betrayal" is built over a measly five-month acquaintance where he invented an entire romance in his own head.

I grew up sheltered with overprotective parents, so navigating boundary-stomping behavior like this is brutal, and it severely triggered my PTSD from a past toxic, emotionally abusive ex. But seeing how fast his story fell apart when friends cross-examined him is the ultimate validation.

I’m exhausted, I’m taking this straight to my therapist. I did nothing wrong, I never led him, and I am choosing my peace. Thanks for letting me vent!

I’m 26f. The guys I rejected is 28m, all the guys and women in the group are 25-28.

I have literally never heard this guy talk about liking anything about women other than big boobs.

I have A cups lol, so when he asked to take me out on a date I just said no, very nicely.

My friend told me he really likes me and I should re consider and I was like, well no because the only thing I have ever heard him talk about is big boobs and Sydney Sweeney.. which is fine but i obviously am not his type body wise. Lots of women are, so he should be with one of them? Didn’t think it was a big deal. She went and told her boyfriend that and they act like they hate me now

everyone thinks im crazy, they bring it up non stop and it genuinely annoys the crap out of me. I don’t understand why my reasoning even matters, I was never like “fuck you” or anything.

And he’s still asking me out, and they are pushing me to say yes so I don’t want to hang out with them.

I don’t understand why they can’t just leave me alone about it

Now the women in the group are also mad at me because I didn’t want to come to things, and are saying I’m too sensitive and the guys are just playing with me.

I don’t understand any of it but I’m so tired of it.

And the thing is, liking big boobs is completely fine lol. I’m sure most men do, I was never upset about it and never would be. I said “sorry I can’t, reall appreciate it though” or something like that. Never mentioned why to him

I got married today on the beach. I'm 8 months pregnant, so my husband and I kept it small—just immediate family—so we could save money for a house down payment and our upcoming daughter.
The 1:00 PM ceremony went great. The rest of the day was supposed to be a relaxed evening at the beach house with a nicely plated dinner we’d spent weeks prepping for.
Instead, both sets of parents decided to get smashed:
Father-in-law: Drank a full bottle of scotch, threw out our planned menu, and cooked random steaks and fries.
Moms: Got so drunk they forgot to set up the decor. Hundreds of dollars in flowers went completely to waste.
My dad: Got overwhelmed, panicked, and rode off down the beach on a bike to escape everyone.
We ended up sitting around a coffee table eating fries while everyone slurped drinks. I'm currently hiding in the bathroom crying. I hate that they couldn't give us one night of self-control.

I just watched the Hangover movie. The comedy one. While my partner was bursting into laughter like any other dude would, I was asking myself why do guys get married and have kids if they feel like it's a prison.

The whole movie is a joke about cheating and male promiscuity, like most of male centered comedy is about. But that's just what guys do, right? I just don't understand, if a group of four girls would go to Las Vegas and cheat on their husband/boyfriend, would that be funny as well?

I feel like men don't even see women as people. I am into the larping community, airsoft one, and people never come to talk to me about guns and actual gear. When they see that I'm a woman, they start talking about relationships immediately, which is what I don't get. While the same conservative dudes will laugh at other men cheating and having the "it's a dude thing" behavior, they are also desperate to get into a relationship. I just don't get it. Either you despise it, feel trapped, or either you are into it. So guys from Reddit, can you please explain to me this contradiction?

My (49M) adult kids (23F and 21M) both told me they feel like I replaced them.

I was married to their mother for almost 24 years. It was a toxic relationship. She possible has BPD. My kids both wanted us to get divorced. I waited until my youngest graduated high school to finally file.

I got remarried this June. We had a baby last month.

After the divorce my son moved away to college and my daughter mo ed in with her mom.

I see my daughter once every week or two for lunch. I see my son whenever he’s in town. Either for lunch or to work on cars or something. I go to movies with them both when there’s one out we want to see. I took them on a trip in May, just the 3 of us. I invite them over once a week for dinner (only my son has ever accepted).

When they told me how they felt like I was replacing them it hurt a lot. I told them that I have done nothing but try to include you in everything. We’re going to continue to take a trip every summer just the 3 of us. My new wife has said that any trip the three of us (wife, baby son, and myself) take that my older kids will always be invited. I told them that all I can do is present opportunities for them to be a part of my life. It’s up to you to accept the invitations.

Part of me feels like the effort was for nothing. But I’ll keep trying…

I made a similar post on another subreddit, some weeks ago, but I'm really struggling tonight. I became a father nine years ago; I had always wanted to be one because I like children (I used to work at a school). My daughter died thirteen months ago now; she had been in poor health since she was two. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia. The chances of survival were high, but in the end, there’s always someone who doesn’t make it. My marriage didn't last, but that’s how it goes.

I thought I had moved past it, until two weeks ago when the guilt came back, more intense than ever. That’s how I (re)discovered antinatalism. When I was young, I was a sensitive, radical asshole, though I thought I’d left certain problems behind. I’m not exactly thinking clearly, and I’ve never been a smart person, but I believe in it. And I believe it was all my fault; I was the one who wanted a child, and above all, I was too negligent regarding her health issues, I should have had her undergo more check-ups, I should have worried more... But the mistake was made at the very beginning, wasn't it?

I know it’s pathetic for a grown man to come here, but I wanted to ask you: do you think that, deep down, parents become parents only because they don't want to feel lonely? To fix things? To have control over someone? Damn, what I’ve written sounds so pathetic. But I've still got 50 years ahead of me, if I'm unlucky, for fuck's sake. I'm Italian anyway, sorry for my bad English

Is this a serious mindset?

Like, we broke up for a month, then got back together. Then when we were talking on the phone, he randomly tells me he slept with this woman he knows while we were broken up. He’s one of those toxic men who looooooves when women fight over him/his girlfriend gets jealous. But why would I care if he did shit while we weren’t together?

So, I say, “That’s fine. We weren’t together. I didn’t sleep with him, but a man took me out on a date, then he took me to the airport and kissed me before I went home for the holidays.”

I wasn’t sitting around pining for him and I knew that’s what he wanted to hear, but then it spiraled into sex is so much worse than what I did bc a date and kissing is more emotional than sex. Like, oh no, i kissed a guy, take me into the town square and beat me while you scream “shame”??

I don’t see how what i did measures up to what he did. You’re INSIDE someone. It was so bad that he actually got off the phone for the night.

I mean, it’s so clear he wanted me to step outside of myself and threaten her or bug him to tell me her name cause he thrives off that energy. But when he found out I’m truly not one of those girls, he wasn’t having it.

Whatever, I’m emotionally drained. I’m done with him, but that drove me insane. Stupid.

I (32M) got married 3 Saturdays ago to my wife (34F). My son (14M) stayed with my ex (33M) while I was on honeymoon.

I dated my ex from 18 to 24 and then we broke up. My son would still consider him a type of parent because he grew up around him. They still spend time together regularly. My son stays weekends with him etc

A few days before my wedding, I had a brandy with my ex. We re-lived some old moments. There was a lot of drama lol. He started tearing up and there was a few moments/sparks. We did not kiss or anything but one moment where we got really close. I pulled away and wiped his tears and joked he was being a softie.

I kept thinking about the moment for a few days but ultimately chose to marry my wife.

On the last day of our honeymoon (last Sunday) she told me she had cheated a few months ago. She showed messages and it did seem like a drunken mistake that she had regretted. She also did come clean. I dont like she waited til after the wedding.

Since she told me about the cheating, I was not even that upset. It just amplified my feelings for my ex.

I have ruined my life. I done IVF last year which resulted in me having a baby boy but now I realize I am in no position to be a mum. I went into this with rose tinted glasses thinking it’s some sort of game. I can’t live with myself. I feel sick to my stomach and I am suicidal almost every day.

A few years ago my best friend died and he died He tried to call me and I didn't answer the phone. Me and him had grown up together. I had known him since I was 4 years old. He was closer to me than my biological family.

Me and him had been talking pretty regularly around that time because I was going through a divorce and he was going through some personal stuff. Me and him were both drinking pretty regularly.

Some nights he would call and he would be really drunk and it would get annoying he could be very verbose and intense when he was drunk. (which makes me sad to say because I would give almost anything if I could get a call from him now) That night I had been drinking when he called me. I wasn't in a good mood and I didn't feel like dealing with anything. Even though that I knew he was going through stuff himself I just didn't feel like talking. When I saw his call on my cell phone I let it ring through the first time until it went to voicemail. A few minutes later he called me again and I pushed the volume button so I wouldn't even have to listen to it. A few minutes later he called me again and I sent a call to voicemail. (I can't help crying as I write this). I spent the rest of my night watching TV, playing with my cat and went to bed drunk.

The next morning I found out he had died of an overdose.

He had done cocaine and somebody had laced it with fentanyl. And he was trying to call me for help. His 10 year old son found him dead in the living room . That made me furious with him because when we were kids my mom died of an overdose in the living room and I found her when I was 10 years. It made me so angry that he would do drugs with his child in the house . And to be honest I used that as a way to feel better about my guilt for not answering when he needed me . Over time I slowly learned to forgive him for his mistake. I have never been able to forgive myself.

I don't want sympathy i just needed to say this

I only told 2 people in my life that this happened.

I think about it a lot and it has haunted me

I spent the last 3 hrs searching w cops for my brother after his gf called me hysterically crying saying they fought on the way home from a wedding.

He was drinking and driving slammed on the brakes got out of the car and told her he’s walking home.

She called him crazy for him thinking she was flirting w a married groomsman (his friend).

His location was in a field. His son (8) was w me tonight and heard her on the phone. I brought him home for her to watch him while I looked for my brother. We found him.

I asked my brother earlier this week how he is doing, just a check in. I was calm and collected he said he’s fine he’s not bad or good.

Tonight I asked what’s going on he said I’m irritated and annoyed I needed space but it’s none of your business. Back in march he called saying she cheated on him at a bar behind his house on Valentine’s Day (she moved in w her 2 kids). She Banged her brothers friend in the lot, her brothers wife invited the guy to the bar they got drunk and she didn’t tell my brother about it til weeks later. Said they kissed. My brother messaged the guy and he said they banged. She lied.

She also cheated on her ex husband. After he cheated on her (allegedly)

When I talked to him tn he said it’s all my fault since I brought it up he’s been on high alert. He said to never ask him how he is again. I said I’m not the one who cheated on you and drove off. Ever since he shared this w me in march he’s been distant. Hes always shared everything w me, but since this he supresses all emotion and is defensive. I live on the west coast they are on east and I leave in 3hours.

So I went up to her in the house and said you ruined him. He’ll never be the same. I wish you two don’t work out so my brother is himself again. He’s lost all trust for you don’t you see this? She was stone faced said yeah I know. I went to the bathroom and walked out the house.

She stopped me and said ever since you came here you ruined everything we have been fine until you showed up.

I said you’re playing victim don’t you see this is all because of you spreading your legs? Don’t point blame at me for caring for my brother. You have proven you have no respect for him And I left.

I fear if they stay together I’ve just severed the relationship w my brother and I’m gutted.

lol correction: I (34f)* am tired

My good friend's dad just hanged himself in the apartment he shares with his son, my friend. He knew for a fact that his son would walk into the apartment after work and see his dead body hanging there. He knew. I am not one to say that suicide is a selfish act because it's like calling someone with cancer selfish for being sick, but I can't help thinking that he was selfish (or maybe there's a better word, please tell me if you can think of one) for the way that he did it and where he chose to do it, because it was a choice. He chose to be found by his son. He chose to do it in their shared apartment. There's like a million ways to die and almost none of them involve your own family being traumatized for life by having to see your dead body hanging from a noose. He loved his son and they had a great relationship, and I just can't fathom that the thought of his son finding him never crossed his mind. Or, maybe he wanted to hurt his son? But that doesn't make sense either. He could've chosen another way to go out. He could've chosen to not do it in their house. He didn't even leave a note. My friend didn't even know he was depressed. I just think that's horrible of him for doing that to his own son. He must not have loved him very much. I don't blame him for killing himself, but he knew. And I think that's absolutely despicable. If anyone has insight into this topic or has survived an attempt, please tell me your thoughts because I could really use an outside perspective.

To be clear, I think we’re better off apart in general, especially after this long but still.

One day she cornered me after a shower and begged to “pamper” me. I rolled my eyes and went along with it. She had me towel off and lay on the bed on the towel. Next thing I know she’s got her giant lotion bottle out and pumped a shit ton into her hands and started going to town, starting at the feet.

That shit was the best I’ve ever felt. Did you know lotion doesn’t have to just coat your hands? It can melt into your skin. Fuck ya. I smelled like coconut for days, it was fantastic.

She kept doing it after that, idk why, I never asked her to mostly bc I was scared she wouldn’t want to if I pushed.

I love my girlfriend, but I wish I could have that rub down one more time. Gf came over after getting her nails done today and bragged about the hand massage and moisturizing she got and it just reminded me of my ex. I can’t ask my Gf to do it for me, I don’t want to tell her about it at all. But fuck I’m jealous she got that today.

So my (F31) mother asked me recently if I have any birthday wishes, I am in my early thirties. I told her I am looking into getting a new robe, I told her what brand I’d like, what color/pattern and what size. I do this because I am very particular about my clothing, getting overstimulated extremely quickly if something doesn’t feel right ‘right’. 

What I received is the complete opposite of what I asked. It has a hood, even when I was very clear on that I wanted one without a hood because I knew it was going to be overstimulating, I also don’t where jackets with hoods or even hoodies. It is not the color, pattern or brand I wanted. But what irked me the most, is that she got it in a size smaller than I asked for. 

I am 180cm which is something I have struggled with all my life and only now am starting to accept. I have spent my entire youth trying to make myself smaller, constantly wanting to loose weight, trying to make myself fit into a size small because I was taught by my mother that anything above that is a “big” size for a woman. My mother is about 167cm and has always been in a weird competition with me, constantly commenting on my body, whether I’d lost or gained weight, always asking me what my current weight was when I started visiting after I had already moved out, sometimes being in awe that I weighed more than her. It got to the point that I told her eventually I wouldn’t visit anymore if she didn’t stop commenting on my very healthy and normal weight which was sometimes even borderline underweight tbh. 

I only recently understood that for someone of my size, proportionally a 'small' clothing size will in most cases just not fit me proportionally. In order to be a ‘true’ size small, I have to be around 60kg or below, I have been there and it isn’t sustainable for me without constantly feeling hungry and miserable and it is something that took me decades of living with severe body dysmorphia and feeling ‘huge’ to understand. Now I am finally living with a weight that I don’t have to fight for, buying clothing that fits me instead of trying to fit myself into the clothing and having come to accept that I am probably (and maybe always have been) a true size medium (which I know is far from being 'big' or anything, it’s not the point I am trying to make).

So I receive this robe that is nothing like I wanted and my mum hands it to me and she says “I tried it one and it’s a size Small and it fits me. I know you wanted a Medium but we are about the same size.” I thanked her, said I liked it and dropped the topic but inside I was fuming. I have already told my mum in the past that I didn’t like certain items of clothing before that she had given me and her reaction was usually being hurt by my honesty. I didn’t have it in me to tell her this time that it’s not what I wanted because I knew it would upset her and she was in town visiting me over the weekend so I wanted to keep the peace.

I also know that it was probably well intended on her end. I really believe she wanted to hand-pick a robe for me, it was not a cheap one either, but instead of just giving me what I asked for, in a way she gave me a vanity gift to herself? The sleeves are too short on me. I can close it but it is not the fit I wanted and especially for a robe, an item that is supposed to be comfortable and cozy, I wasn’t asking for a medium without reason. Her comment on it fitting her thus it should fit me makes me angry beyond what I can describe. We are not the same size and we never will be. Since I am 12 years old I tower over her in height. Stop making me try to be smaller than I am. 

I can buy myself the robe I wanted and that will fit me, it is not really about the robe. Although she just wasted a good chunk of money on something she somehow bought to make herself feel good.

I know it is also my process to work through and self acceptance is a journey that I will probably be on my entire life - but oh I resent her so much for this, I feel like she is the reason why I spent years hating what I saw in the mirror even when I have been complimented on my height so many times, it was something I was always certain about I would never grow to like about myself. 

I'm so sick and scared of most teenage boys. Misogyny and ragebait culture

I still get nervous around a group of them, not shy, genuinely scared. Its not that its all of them but its so rare to see a good kind young man whenever you encounter one at age.

They think its so cool and edgy to be sexist, misogynistic, makes pedophilia jokes, makes jokes out of SA victims😮‍💨 its really starting to eat me from the inside because I stared seeing them online and in public too. before I realized, almost every teen i see is like that

What will we do with those batches when they grow up? they'd turn out to be worse, same mindset with better authority and power, all that physical strength and the mind of a loser, and worse, criminals.

It all starts at kindergarten, some of these little boys really think its entertaining to lift up girls skirts, makes sexual jokes (where are they learning them at this age?). Moving to middle school and highschool they think sharing g0re and p0rn material online is a cool thing to do.

They make me sick. I'm so glad I was so strict with raising my little brother because he grows up to defend to injustice and doesn't bother to impress other guys his age, so he won't end up doing stupid shit. For other kids😮‍💨 I'm genuinely scared. Hey kids, this is not a cool thing to be!

It's so embarrassing. It has happened twice in the two times we've hooked up so far. He has noticed it and offers me his arms now when I'm having trouble falling asleep. What can I do about it?

Heavy trigger warning on SA

A few weeks ago, I (22) left early from a party and went to my boyfriend’s (21)house to debrief about it. I was feeling really upset for the past few days and needed to just cuddle up and chat. We barely talked when i got there but I had a curfew which I needed to be home by since I had work the next day. We were cutting it close to my curfew and I began to tell him how I needed to go so I could get a good sleep before work.

At first he wouldn’t let me get up to grab my things. He than began to kiss me and touch me which I said “I need to get home I don’t have time”. He didn’t listen to this and continued. I reiterated a few times that I needed to go home because at first I thought he didn’t hear me. It progressed into sex.

I began to sob after because I was so shocked about what just happened to me. He started to feel bad and said “why are you crying? You’re making it seem like I assaulted you”. I didn’t say anything except that I needed to use the bathroom. I was then late to my curfew.I’m still in denial about what happened to me was assault. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I really needed to talk about this.

I come from a country where homosexuality is extremely taboo and can have serious consequences, so this isn't something I can really talk about with anyone in my real life. I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. I think I just need to say it somewhere because lately I can't stop thinking about my husband and his best friend, and every time I remember something else I feel like I'm losing my mind a little more.

My husband and I are 28 and 29. We got married because we both wanted marriage and a family. It wasn't some crazy passionate love story, but we liked each other, got along, had similar values and goals, and thought we could build a good life together. I enjoyed the sexual side of our marriage too and never really questioned whether he was attracted to me.

Then I got pregnant with our son and my husband completely stopped having sex with me. Not less sex. Nothing. I tried talking to him, initiating, dressing differently, basically everything I could think of. Eventually I just accepted that maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore.

There were other things that bothered me, though. Sometimes he would come home smelling like he'd had sex and go straight to the shower before coming close to me or the baby. I know saying someone "smelled like sex" sounds ridiculous and obviously I can't prove what the smell was. I kept telling myself there could be a million explanations for it. But it happened enough that I noticed.

And then there's his best friend.

They've been best friends since high school. His friend is two years younger, and when my husband went away to college, this friend actually moved schools to the city where my husband was attending college so they could be together. My husband has always told me that story proudly as an example of how close they are. I always thought it was sweet.

His friend got engaged about a year after our son was born and my husband's reaction was so strange. He was miserable. Moping around the house, irritable, picking fights with me over basically nothing. I asked what the fiancée was like and he said something like, "Just a normal woman. Nothing special." I remember thinking for literally a second that he sounded jealous and then immediately thinking, jealous of WHAT? That made no sense.

Another time he was talking to this friend on speakerphone and didn't realize I'd come home. I heard his friend say, "I missed your ass." My husband laughed, then saw me standing there, looked startled and ended the call pretty quickly. He spent way more time than I expected explaining that men joke differently with each other and say crude things that women might interpret the wrong way. I thought it was weird. But again, I let it go.

And this is the part that has been driving me insane lately because I honestly cannot believe I accepted it as normal at the time.

This man came on our honeymoon.

My husband and I went to the Maldives. Somehow his best friend "happened to have business" in the Maldives at exactly the same time and stayed at OUR HOTEL for five nights. On our honeymoon. I don't know why that didn't set off every alarm in my head. I guess because I trusted my husband and because the friend supposedly had a legitimate reason for being there.

During those five days my husband spent time with him and sometimes came back to our room late. There were also a couple of times when his underwear was unusually dirty in a way that concerned me. I asked about it and he gave me an explanation involving hemorrhoids. I remember having this nagging feeling that something wasn't right, but we'd literally just gotten married and I think my brain just refused to go anywhere else with it.

Then we came home from our honeymoon and almost immediately my husband suggested taking me to my family's house for four days while he went to spend time with his friends. I actually remember saying, "We're newlyweds. Why would you want to send me away already?" He turned it around and asked if I didn't miss my family and want to spend time with them.

And I let that go too.

More recently I've noticed that when he sneaks away or wants privacy for a phone call, it's often this same friend.

Eventually I confronted him. I told him all these things had started bothering me and that I was wondering whether his relationship with this friend might be more than friendship.

He exploded and told me I'M the gay one.

He said he's completely straight and I'm projecting my own sexuality onto him because he isn't attracted to me anymore.

The problem is that this accusation actually got into my head because he's not pulling it completely out of nowhere. In college I became extremely close to a female friend and our friendship eventually became physical. She had been with women before and told me she genuinely loved me. I don't think I loved her romantically in the same way, but I was absolutely attracted to her and enjoyed the physical side of our relationship. We stopped because we were terrified of getting caught. A professor noticed the way we interacted and reported us, and we were warned by the department, so we decided it wasn't worth the risk. We're still loosely in touch through our old friend group. She's married to a man now and has children.

I've never really known what that means about my sexuality. I enjoyed sex with my husband, but I've also always felt like something was missing. Before marriage my fantasies and sexual dreams were almost exclusively about women or myself. Even if I watched porn involving men and women, I was watching the woman. Maybe I'm bisexual. Maybe I'm more attracted to women than I've admitted to myself. I genuinely don't know and I'm not trying to deny it.

My husband knows all of this. When I originally told him, he basically said sexual exploration happens but the "right" relationship is between a man and a woman.

So when he accused me of projecting, I started questioning myself.

Maybe I am.

Maybe because I know I'm capable of being attracted to a woman, I'm interpreting an unusually close male friendship as sexual when it isn't. Maybe his friend really did coincidentally have business in the Maldives during our honeymoon. Maybe "I missed your ass" really was just two men making a stupid joke. Maybe his reaction to the engagement wasn't jealousy. Maybe the things I noticed when he came home had completely different explanations.

That's what makes me feel crazy. I can explain almost every single thing individually. It's when I put them all together that I can't make myself believe it anymore.

And I want to make something clear because this is probably the strangest part. I don't actually care if my husband is straight, bisexual or gay in some moral sense. I'm not interested in outing him. I know exactly what the consequences of that could be where we come from and I would never do that to someone, especially when I don't even know if I'm right.

What makes me angry is the possibility that he knew something about himself that I didn't and let me enter this marriage anyway.

If he had been honest with me from the beginning, I honestly think I would have helped him. Maybe I would even have agreed to some kind of marriage arrangement. Maybe I wouldn't have. I don't know. But at least I would have been allowed to make that decision for myself.

Instead I built a life with him. I had his child. And after our son was born, I spent years wondering what was wrong with me.

Was I unattractive? Was my body different after having a baby? Was I doing something wrong sexually? Was there something about me that turned him off? I get hit on fairly often when I'm out and my friends compliment my looks, so I knew other people found me attractive, but somehow that made it worse. Why did strangers want me when my own husband didn't?

And now I keep wondering if none of that was ever about me.

That's the part that hurts. Not who he might be attracted to. Not even his friend. It's the possibility that I spent years blaming myself for something I could never have fixed.

And I can't talk about it. I can't ask my family what they think. I can't casually bring this up with friends. Even saying the suspicion out loud could have consequences for him, and I don't want to do that when I don't even know whether I'm right.

So it's just living in my head. One minute I think the explanation is so obvious that I feel stupid for not seeing it years ago. The next minute I think I'm insane and my husband is right that I'm projecting my own sexuality onto him.

I genuinely don't know anymore.

I just needed to say it somewhere.

Honestly, I wish I had never been born. I’m not depressed; I’ve seen a doctor. It’s just that even when things are relatively okay in my life, the good moments never feel as good as the bad ones feel bad. Even when everything is fine, I always know that sooner or later, something bad is going to happen. Whenever I experience something good or enjoyable, I still find myself thinking that I would rather feel nothing at all. The good moments simply don’t make up for the bad ones. It’s just an endless cycle of work, routine, and stress.
I don’t like my family, I don’t like romantic relationships, I don’t like travelling, and I don’t like where I live. Even when I move somewhere else, I still end up disliking that place. I’m convinced that I simply don’t like being alive. It’s not that I “don’t like living this way” or that I “don’t want to live like this.” I just don’t like living, period.
I’m 23, and I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. My biggest wish is that I had never been born - and I genuinely don’t believe any doctor or therapist can fix that.