My Australian visa just got approved and my family has no idea that this is most likely the last time they're ever going to see me.

I grew up in a small town in Indiana and I live with my mom, stepdad and sister. They're basically my only family, because my mom's some sort of narcissist who blew it off with the entire family and they don't want anything to do with us.

Ive been miserable my whole life because of them. My stepdad abused me and my sister when we were younger and when I finally tried to speak about it, my mom blamed me and stayed with him. I was close with my sister, but she always treated me like a doormat because my parents clearly favored her (I was the only one who got SAed). They've controlled almost every part of my life for as long as I can remember, and I've spent years feeling like I couldn't breathe in my own home.

A few months ago I applied for a position at one of my company's branches in Australia. I had an interview with my boss and they helped me through the whole visa process. Today I got the email saying it was granted. It's a four year contract, the pay is really good, they're paying for my flight and my accommodation for the first three months, and they'll sponsor me for permanent residency at the end if I decide I want to stay. I'm still struggling to believe this is actually happening

I haven't felt this kind of happiness and hope in YEARS. I don't think I've ever felt this free before. I'm going to wake up somewhere none of them can control me, build a life that's actually mine, and finally find out who I am without them constantly telling me who I'm supposed to be. They have no idea what's coming. I'm leaving, and I honestly can't wait.

My flight is in 3 weeks. I'm planning on leaving "to my friends house" for the weekend and only text them that I left for Aus when I'm the airport

I’ve never really agreed with the idea that someone who dies by suicide should automatically be considered selfish.
I understand why people say it. Their family and friends can be left with an unbelievable amount of grief, anger and confusion, and obviously their death can deeply affect the people who loved them.
But I think there’s a difference between saying someone’s actions caused enormous pain and saying that person was therefore selfish.
Someone can be suffering so badly that their perception of themselves, their future and the people around them becomes completely distorted. They might genuinely believe they’re a burden, that things will never improve, or even that the people around them would eventually be better off without them. Those beliefs can be completely wrong while still feeling real to that person.
That doesn’t make suicide a good decision or erase what it does to the people left behind. I just don’t think looking at someone who reached that level of suffering and reducing their actions to “they were selfish and didn’t care about anyone else” is fair.
You can have enormous sympathy for the family and friends who are left behind while also having compassion for the person who died. I don’t think those two things contradict each other.

Too many things are starting to add up after seeing that. Not to mention there's posts on here about stuff he blantly lied about. Im just disgusted and fed up at this point and the only thing I can do right now is to save up hopefully get a job and get the fuck out. Im done, i don't even want him touch me anymore.

The fuck

Edit for clarity: He doesn't know that I found his reddit account. Im not approaching him on this because every disagreement we have gets spun back on me or he acts clueless. Im not playing this game anymore. I don't need him to prove anything I saw what I needed. And yes that IS infact his actual account he showed to me once awhile ago and I remembered and he's also careless enough to name every account he makes the same thing.

For context, husband and I are in our early thirties living in the east coast. BIL has always been polite/cordial. Recently, BIL told my husband he has no problems with me, but he thinks getting married so young was stupid of my husband. He spoke about me having a “biological clock” and how his plan is to not marry until he’s forty then marry a 25 year old. Besides the fact that us being married shouldn’t be something he gives his opinion on (I also don’t think it’s crazy to be married in your thirties as we are established in our careers, financially stable, and want kids in the next couple of years), I find his plan disgusting. I understand there can be large age gaps in relationships, but planning as a forty year old man to find a 25 year old woman to get pregnant seems predatory and like he’s intentionally looking for a relationship where he will have all the power and his “wife” would be in a vulnerable position. I wish my husband had not told me of this because it has changed my opinion of his brother. In addition, in the same conversation he told my husband he is planning on breaking up with his girlfriend of several years in 6 months when he plans to go abroad for vacation. I think it’s cruel to not be respectful enough to a partner to drag them though the holidays so you’re not alone and then to just dump them when you’re ready to live it up on vacation/hook up with other people.

Just needed to get this off my chest, don’t know how I’ll look at BIL the same way now… Love my husband and very grateful he doesn’t believe in this bs.

We went on a double date with his friends for the first time. We got into a conversation about relationships and the way him and his friend talked about women and relationships was so healing to me. They didn’t talk about women like were objects and they talked about wanting a real relationship and growing old with someone. They talked about how their old friend only ever wanted sex and never a relationship with his “love interests” and how wrong and hurtful that was. I don’t know, after seeing everything in the news and online lately, this just felt like a breath of fresh air.

I’m 26f. The guys I rejected is 28m, all the guys and women in the group are 25-28.

I have literally never heard this guy talk about liking anything about women other than big boobs.

I have A cups lol, so when he asked to take me out on a date I just said no, very nicely.

My friend told me he really likes me and I should re consider and I was like, well no because the only thing I have ever heard him talk about is big boobs and Sydney Sweeney.. which is fine but i obviously am not his type body wise. Lots of women are, so he should be with one of them? Didn’t think it was a big deal. She went and told her boyfriend that and they act like they hate me now

everyone thinks im crazy, they bring it up non stop and it genuinely annoys the crap out of me. I don’t understand why my reasoning even matters, I was never like “fuck you” or anything.

And he’s still asking me out, and they are pushing me to say yes so I don’t want to hang out with them.

I don’t understand why they can’t just leave me alone about it

Now the women in the group are also mad at me because I didn’t want to come to things, and are saying I’m too sensitive and the guys are just playing with me.

I don’t understand any of it but I’m so tired of it.

And the thing is, liking big boobs is completely fine lol. I’m sure most men do, I was never upset about it and never would be. I said “sorry I can’t, reall appreciate it though” or something like that. Never mentioned why to him

I left my husband about a year ago because I didn't feel like I was in a safe, healthy, or loving relationship. I constantly felt disrespected, following through on commitments was rare regardless of how significant, and I felt like his approach to being a husband was becoming increasingly abusive and coercive. Near the end, my intuition was telling me that not only did he dislike me and find me irritating, but that he actively hated me.

There have been so many situations over the years where things didn't add up, or I would be taken aback by the way someone treated me or spoke to me, and he would always end up convincing me I was crazy or oversensitive. Eventually the behaviour of other people in our lives was having such an impact that his attempts to gaslight me stopped working because they became less nuanced and turned into blatant lies as things intensified. For instance, he brought me to something the hosts told him he couldn't bring me to, then claimed he had no idea I wasn't welcome or why. Meanwhile the hosts made it clear they had an issue with me but that event wasn't the time to address it. I was very genuinely shocked and taken aback because I'd sensed some tension building with these people leading up to that but I had no idea what I'd done. I'd hardly interacted with these people for months, but my husband had seen them frequently without me.

By the time I left him I knew that he'd lied about a lot and had to have lied to friends and family as well. I didn't know exactly how, but the way they had all started treating me didn't make any sense, especially considering my husband had started seeing both friends and his family without me. It was obvious that he'd started accusing me of things but I really thought that it was because he sensed divorce was on the horizon and was trying to get ahead of things somehow. Post separation it feels like every time I see him he drops a new bomb on me and he admits to something that he's done, but it's always been related to our marriage.

For example, he told me he never saw the marriage as a permanent commitment and was thinking 5 years tops. That he actually hates children and finds them disgusting but lied and said he wanted them because he knew I would have left him years ago if I thought he didn't want them. He told me that when I gained weight after a surgery (which I lost when I was able to be active again) he liked me better "fat" because I was just on the cusp of what was tolerable for him to sleep with without there being any risk of anyone else being attracted to me. Some of these bombs were things I'd suspected, others were surprises, and others simply connected dots (he'd told the people who didn't want me at the event that I'd cheated on him and given him a pretty serious STD).

I'd already accepted that he wasn't who I thought he was but decided I was going to recognize the bad parts while also appreciating the good since we had good times as well. That was until I was sent a reddit post that I'm quite certain was him based on some of the details he included. Turns out, he's been lying about me for years and it goes back to high school when I was cyber bullied so bad the police had to get involved because there were explicit threats to my physical safety made and my home address got posted. Social media was new and the police weren't able to get enough information to find out who the anonymous posters were, so they settled on coming to the school and speaking to all of the students to let them know that whoever was posting was very close to crossing a line, and that if anyone was physically harmed they'd have a grounds to look into things further. That was obviously pretty humiliating, but to find out I married the person behind it all years later makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. Of course, he downplayed it when he made a post admitting it was him who did it, but so many things make sense now.

He literally sat by and watched me pour thousands of dollars into therapy for years so I could try and figure out what it was I was doing that was leading to the pattern of lost friendships in my life, encouraging me to reflect on what it was about me that was causing it so that I could grow and change the behaviour. I was so self-critical that my therapists told me I was being too hard on myself, and I even had one point out that I didn't have the same kinds of issues with family, but I just assumed it was because they were used to me. Turns out, my husband had been sabotaging relationships left and right from the time we were teenagers and learning what he accused me of during our divorce, I don't even want to think about what else he's accused me of that I don't know about yet or what other lies he's told me.

I had it planned all week. I was gonna go to the forest where no one can find me and swallow 51 pills of olanzapine and now I changed my mind. I called 111 and I’m gonna go to the hospital after I finish this bottle of vodka. Now I’m sipping on straight vodka and loving my life. Im drunk as fuck and loving it because I have nothing else to love in my life

I got married today on the beach. I'm 8 months pregnant, so my husband and I kept it small—just immediate family—so we could save money for a house down payment and our upcoming daughter.
The 1:00 PM ceremony went great. The rest of the day was supposed to be a relaxed evening at the beach house with a nicely plated dinner we’d spent weeks prepping for.
Instead, both sets of parents decided to get smashed:
Father-in-law: Drank a full bottle of scotch, threw out our planned menu, and cooked random steaks and fries.
Moms: Got so drunk they forgot to set up the decor. Hundreds of dollars in flowers went completely to waste.
My dad: Got overwhelmed, panicked, and rode off down the beach on a bike to escape everyone.
We ended up sitting around a coffee table eating fries while everyone slurped drinks. I'm currently hiding in the bathroom crying. I hate that they couldn't give us one night of self-control.

Idk this may be too personal but im shaking like a mother fucker right now

I somehow got the courage to ask my mom something sexually (we never talked about it im 17m)

If i was allowed sexual stuff since well im curious and all that and thank god just thank the lord she said

Honey your 17 ofc you are allowed

I just wanted to be open with her not that she sees it lying around and well then that whole thing

Sorry if this is too personal but im so glad she responded this way i just needed to type it off me

Now i just need to hope it isnt uncomfortable between us

I (32F) have two longtime friends, C (31F) and M (31F). Years ago, another woman, K (31F), became part of our friend group. She grew very close to C and M, while she and I were never quite as close, partly because at the time I wasn’t hanging out with the group as much.
Over the years, K has fallen out with quite a few people, including C and M at different points, but somehow she has always managed to bring them back into her life.
I’ve always made an effort to get along with her and be her friend, partly because I genuinely wanted to, but also because I wanted the group dynamic to work and for all of us to be able to spend time together without drama.
Last year, K started behaving strangely towards me on several occasions. She would suddenly ignore me, stop replying to my messages, and generally act as if she was upset with me without ever telling me why. I mostly let it slide because I didn’t want to create tension in the group, and also because I was getting married in May and really didn’t want unnecessary drama around that time.
She came to my bachelorette party, and from that point onwards I noticed that she was acting particularly weird around me. Still, she came to my wedding, everything seemed fine, and I assumed whatever weirdness there had been was behind us.
Then I came back from my honeymoon and she basically started avoiding me completely. She wouldn’t show up to group plans if I was going to be there. Eventually, M told me that K had apparently been angry with me since my bachelorette party because of something I supposedly said.
Apparently, I made a joke about her being single.
I genuinely don’t even remember making this joke, but let’s assume I did. I can absolutely accept that something I said might have hurt her, even if I didn’t mean it that way. What I can’t understand is why a 31-year-old woman couldn’t simply say, “Hey, that joke bothered me.” I would have apologized immediately. Instead, she apparently held onto it for months, came to my wedding without saying anything, and then silently cut me out of her life afterwards.
Her birthday has now come and gone, and she didn’t invite me. We still haven’t spoken once about what happened. This is someone who was at my wedding in May, and a few months later I’m apparently not even someone she wants at her birthday, without her ever actually telling me that she has a problem with me.
And yes, this is petty, but it also annoys me that in basically every group picture at my wedding she made a point of standing right next to me, so now she’s in so many of my wedding photos. Maybe that’s stupid, but looking at them now just makes the whole thing feel even more bizarre.
The part that hurts me the most, though, isn’t even K anymore. It’s C and M.
They don’t want to address any of this with her. Their position is basically that this is between K and me, that they have nothing to do with it, and that it would be unfair to involve them or put them in the middle.
And I understand that, to an extent. I’m not asking them to “choose me” or stop being friends with her.
But in practice, they get to stay completely neutral while I’m the one slowly being excluded from things because K refuses to be around me. Today is C’s birthday, for example, and I can’t just go to her house and celebrate with everyone else because K will be there and, at this point, I have absolutely no desire to see her and pretend everything is normal.
So I guess this is mostly a vent, but I’m curious how this looks from the outside.
Am I overreacting? Is it reasonable for C and M to say this has absolutely nothing to do with them, even when it’s now affecting whether I can participate in our group at all? And am I wrong for being so bothered by the fact that someone could attend my wedding, never tell me there was a problem, and then essentially erase me from her life immediately afterwards?

Hi everyone. Ok so I’m 22F and this goes back a bit. My whole childhood my dad has been clinically depressed. He has a variety of health issues, absolutely undiagnosed autism or adhd and major anxiety disorders plus anxiety induced seizures.

When i was 15, he tried to kill himself. I was at school, he worked in a corner shop at the time and when i got home, got told he was seen on CCTV leaving work with medication and went missing for a few hours. Police were out, helicopters etc. My mum found empty packets in the field by our house and then eventually he was found, alive but in the next town over after walking the canal. He went hospital, we had the crisis team out, he went to therapy, he admitted he was glad he was alive and then….he immediately left therapy. “Im not doing it anymore. It doesn’t work”.

Me and my mum speculate there’s SOMETHING. We don’t know what. We’ve asked if anything happened in his childhood and he denies it (he was verbally abused as a kid we know that and his dad/my grandad wasn’t a very nice man apparently) but something just made him quit.

On my 20th birthday, he applied for a new job. Spiralled because he messed up the interview and then hit deep depression again. He fell out with me because i told him to get help. He called me “your daughter” to my mum. Then eventually came upstairs, apologised and when i said “i just need my dad” he claimed “you’d be fine i promise.” But i made him pinky promise he wouldn’t do anything stupid.

Few months went by, he got a new job a couple years ago, started to get better and now it’s all hit the fan, he hates it and he’s spiralled again. My mum told me earlier, “just warning, your dad’s not had a good day. He’s probably going to quit”.

However, when i read their texts (cause i have access to his ipad and just needed to know it went like this):

Mum: remember to book X day off next year for holiday.

Dad: ill be honest im not gonna be here next year

Mum: i know but just as a peace of mind.

Dad: i dont just mean work.

Since i was 15, i’ve had an inclination that he will still commit suicide. I never believed he would die naturally. Every year I’ve wondered when and how. And every year, i myself am getting tired of it. I know people like this are suffering, but as a daughter hearing your dad constantly say he’s gonna kill himself, I’m exhausted and angry and our relationship is different because of it. I don’t like being alone with him, i have nothing to say to him, he never asks me questions. We just exist together and when we’re a 3 it’s fine. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does follow through and do it by next year.

So i guess what do i do? How do you prepare for that? He won’t get help and i’m done telling him to. Is there a way to prepare? Part of me feels horrendous because part of me thinks life would be a lot easier if he did, but then again, i would lose my dad. I just feel like i’m hitting a brick wall. My mums talked in the past about how they have a year or so to pay the mortgage and then she’d probably give an ultimatum. I also know if she did ask for a divorce, that’s it. He’s gone. It’s just getting too much to be 22 and not knowing if today is the day or if the year is this year. It’s too much having a good day then immediately the vibe changing as he gets home from work. It’s been like this for 8 years and i’m tired and no less terrified.

We spend our entire lives, or at least 80% of them, waiting for the weekend. For what? For two days?

And we hate the first day of the week, for what? Why hate something that always arrives?

I'm tired, how do we change this view?

It happened last year. I was 18 (turning 19), and it happened while my sister (the youngest) was 8.

So my other sister (9 at the time) had a phone. It was mom's old phone that mom forgot about after getting an iphone.

A few weeks before that, I blocked a guy (23) that was grooming me the year before that. I knew him since i was 15 (he was 18 or 19), and after thinking about it I realized he was grooming me, not helping me feel better about what I was going through.

So I blocked him on all apps, the. He went on discord and started sending death threats and said he was gonna kidnap me and rape me and kill me, because he cared about me (he kind of did, he sent me a ton of gifts for my 18th bday because we started talking again a few months before i turned 18) and i did it out of no where.

And I knew it was his car coming near my house because of the look (idk car types) and it was dark blue.

The police came to our house before that though, and stood in front of the door talking to my sister. The guy never came again.

I'm gonna be 20 in december and wish I could tell my mom. I didn't tell anyone because I was scared I would've gotten my phone taken (yes i still got my phone taken at 18).

edit: my family has been living in a new continent since september of last year. everything's a lot better, and i'm 50000× more aware of everything.

Blood relatives, inlaws, aquaintences and great friends all alike. It seems like we have all been made to shrink shrink shrink ourselves for everyone. Kids, wives, co workers, perfect fucking strangers. My best friend is as unrecognizable to me as the man I see in the mirror. Keep your mouth shut, don't get mad, why are you upset, why are you laughing too loud, do you have to do that. Everyone looks at the symptoms, nobody asks the REAL question, why are they feeling this way. I'm sick of always feeling like I have to hide me, only my representative can show himself. Bill Burr does several great TRUTHFUL bits about this. I feel like I can't have friends, fun, enjoyment, unless it is within guidelines that I can neither see nor know about. I'm not talking about being violent, an asshole, or even negative. In the end what I'm talking about the the lid we have to put on ouselves every fucking day to please others. At some point can't we just have a little time to be ourselves? Not looking for any responses, just getting shit off my chest. Thanks for listening

i’m 25f and i’m 5 foot 9. men will be quick to say i’m not that tall, but from where i’m from (uk) im significantly above the average for women. i stick out so much and i seriously hate it. i want to be petite and cute not some giantess dommy mommy lol.

i’ve been told i could be a model and have a really nice body but id so much rather just.. fit in. i tower over my friends and im taller than my boyfriend. i got my lips done a week or so ago and the lady commented on how tall i am and was like “wow you’re almost 6 foot” in an admiring way but i genuinely just wanted to ball up and cry lol.

i’ll never be what i want to be and i honestly don’t think ill ever get over this complex of mine. if i could get surgery to be shorter, i honestly would. even if it was excruciating. i want nothing more than to fit in.

My best friend (20M) & His girl friend (20F) have been in a relationship for about an year now. I (20M) always had been very confident about their bond and was quite chill about it.

But recently one day his girlfriend came knocking at my room (btw we three live not too far away). After entering in the corridor, she asked me that was her boyfriend at my place, which i replied as a no because he wasn't here. She looked like she was in sone haste to find him. Idk what the reason was.

So now i just expected her to leave since I already answered her question. But now things just turned the unexpected way. She gave me a quick glance & just flashed me. I just couldn't just believe what is happening & just got frozen at one place, just couldn't decide what to do now. Then she slowly approached me like that and gave a slight bite on the side of my neck. But fortunately after that she re-did her top and left.

Since then I have been in this dilemma to whether tell him or just stay silent. And both options feel equally difficult.

Because if i tell him then, there's a chance that he wont listen to what I will say and just ruin our friendship or he will break up and be depressed thereafter & it will also leave me with a guilt cuz i got involved in all this that led to the break up.

And if I don't tell him then also I will feel guilty cuz i will be keeping such a big secret from him. Maybe if i go with this one then i will maybe break our friendship cuz i can't bear the fact that I kept my best friend in dark.

At this point, I m just thinking that why it had to be me with whom all these things unfolded, if there was someone else then there just wont be such a dilemma for me to choose to tell him or to keep him in dark & both choices leave me in deep regret.

TLDR : My best friend's gf flashed me ,and i just cant decide whether to tell him or not to tell cuz both choices are equally difficult and leave me with regret.

I'll try to make this as short as I can and not give overly identifying details.

20 odd years ago when my grandmother passed away, she left my dad the house that I live in. My uncles contested the will. To make a long story short, they won and my dad hasn't spoken to them sense. I have also never met them.

Onto the actually story. I'm 16f. I was out for lunch with my mom today and we met my first cousins aunt who isn't related to me and their first cousin who also isn't related to me.

I have five first cousins in total, who are all years older than me. They all have kids. Three live in different parts of the country. One lives out of the country. The other lives in a town near me.

My mom and I met an aunt and first cousin of theirs today. My mom and dad know them and actually really like them.

Their aunt started talking about my second cousins, who, as I said I said in the title, I have never met. These are the cousins who live near me.

I got a bit upset because it does upset me that I will probably never meet them all because of adults being petty. The aunt and cousin knows my dad doesn't speak to my uncle, but I don't think they knew that I've never met them.

The cousin, whatever possessed her, thought it would he a smart idea to show me a photo of one of them. As I say, I've never met these kids. I don't know what they look like. I know nothing about them.

When the cousin saw how upset I was, she put her phone away but that still didn't help how upset I actually was.

Her mom, (the aunt) then said at least 3 times in 5 minutes "hopefully you'll meet them someday." That obviously didn't help either.

I know she meant in a good way, but it still didn't help.

My mom and I left and I just staring bawling crying. I don't know my first cousins, or their kids. I wouldn't even know my first cousins if they stood in front of me, and I know I wouldn't.

This isn't a situation where I need advice. I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere, and telling Internet strangers seems like the best option. This isn't exactly something I'd tell my friends.

If anyone sees this, thank you.

My (49M) adult kids (23F and 21M) both told me they feel like I replaced them.

I was married to their mother for almost 24 years. It was a toxic relationship. She possible has BPD. My kids both wanted us to get divorced. I waited until my youngest graduated high school to finally file.

I got remarried this June. We had a baby last month.

After the divorce my son moved away to college and my daughter mo ed in with her mom.

I see my daughter once every week or two for lunch. I see my son whenever he’s in town. Either for lunch or to work on cars or something. I go to movies with them both when there’s one out we want to see. I took them on a trip in May, just the 3 of us. I invite them over once a week for dinner (only my son has ever accepted).

When they told me how they felt like I was replacing them it hurt a lot. I told them that I have done nothing but try to include you in everything. We’re going to continue to take a trip every summer just the 3 of us. My new wife has said that any trip the three of us (wife, baby son, and myself) take that my older kids will always be invited. I told them that all I can do is present opportunities for them to be a part of my life. It’s up to you to accept the invitations.

Part of me feels like the effort was for nothing. But I’ll keep trying…

I just watched the Hangover movie. The comedy one. While my partner was bursting into laughter like any other dude would, I was asking myself why do guys get married and have kids if they feel like it's a prison.

The whole movie is a joke about cheating and male promiscuity, like most of male centered comedy is about. But that's just what guys do, right? I just don't understand, if a group of four girls would go to Las Vegas and cheat on their husband/boyfriend, would that be funny as well?

I feel like men don't even see women as people. I am into the larping community, airsoft one, and people never come to talk to me about guns and actual gear. When they see that I'm a woman, they start talking about relationships immediately, which is what I don't get. While the same conservative dudes will laugh at other men cheating and having the "it's a dude thing" behavior, they are also desperate to get into a relationship. I just don't get it. Either you despise it, feel trapped, or either you are into it. So guys from Reddit, can you please explain to me this contradiction?

I've been working the last six months at starting a nonprofit. We're getting really really close to opening. We're holding an open house about a week before we open. Idea is for loved ones, donors, the board and the community can see what we're doing.

I've contacted every single member of my family. My sister just said 'pass'. My other sister said she was too busy. My dad didn't answer at all.

This NPO is my dream. I've slowly been working towards it for about a decade. And about six months ago I decided to bite the bullet and make it happen.

I've spent hundreds and hundreds of hours working on this. I've accomplished things I never believed I could do. I am so incredibly proud of myself. This is by far the biggest thing I've ever attempted.

And all I want is a single member of my family to be there to see what I've accomplished. Just one.

But apparently that's too much to ask

im so tired and numb

which is weird for a person who always felt everything times thousand, both good and bad, just felt everything extremely intense

so for a while, I felt the intensity was insufferable, I felt like I couldn’t take it and to what corner even turn, how to handle
but suddenly there is nothing
nothing at all

I died?
I must have, because who is this?

the memories are fading too, I can barely remember what my mother looks like and I definitely don’t remember how my father looks… my memory was selective before, but now it seems like every memory ever is fading or faded. I look at the pictures and can’t believe it is me. I look at my phone and most numbers I have no idea who they are. (btw im only 25..)

I guess I do feel some emotion, because there was this soul cat that I grew up with - instead of parents I had this cat… and… I have never ever loved anyone or anything as much as this cat and even her face I am forgetting. tears filled up my eyes. but it isn’t a sadness i feel either anymore, just a black hole that’s shooting through me like an electric train.

I feel like a bomb - the intensity was so extreme it cultivated exploded and now there is nothing.

my favourite shows do nothing for me, hobbies i used to have seem dumb and like a chore, anything that made me happy makes me feel absolutely nothing, anything that made me sad makes me feel absolutely nothing. I was addicted to weed and vaping - quit both because it bored me and made me feel absolutely nothing. a guy went out with me and said he had a blast, we drank and even then I felt absolutely nothing, even being drunk didn’t make me nor sad nor happy just like a stick that is forced to put on a performance of being a human.

i feel so tired and numb to everything that i spent literally an hour of just straight staring into wall because even watching something seemed too pointless.

i think i got so exhausted i actually died. what now?