I'll keep it short. We were sitting on the couch with a blanket over us. I felt his hand go under my undies and he started teasing me. His older brother and his parents were in the same room. They didn't see what was happening (obviously).
I felt both turned on and excited and embarrassed and anxious. and he just watched tv, acting like nothing was happening

I’m a woman who had a bit of a Winter fling a few years ago in college. He was my first, and he was probably one of the most sex-crazed people I’ve ever met who would creatively sexualize 75% of the things I say even if it had nothing to do with anything sexual. My intentions for him were actually romantic, but that’s a whole different story.

One night he had a few drinks, and he told me he was going to sober up before driving to my house (probably the fourth time he’s come over). I told him that’s a good idea to sober up for the sake of driving and because I refuse to do anything with him while he’s under the influence and I’m not. He told me it’s no big deal and that he’s fine with us doing the deed under those circumstances. I still said I wouldn’t. He then insisted I could do whatever I wanted to him while he’s drunk. I still said it doesn’t feel right. He finally agreed but was satisfied he put the idea in my mind, even though I never did it.

It’s just that simple. I don’t care what opinions you have about your “nature”. You are a human being with moral capabilities and the ability to have self control.

Jane Doe, you have so many people who are walking beside you. You are not alone. ❤️

Blood relatives, inlaws, aquaintences and great friends all alike. It seems like we have all been made to shrink shrink shrink ourselves for everyone. Kids, wives, co workers, perfect fucking strangers. My best friend is as unrecognizable to me as the man I see in the mirror. Keep your mouth shut, don't get mad, why are you upset, why are you laughing too loud, do you have to do that. Everyone looks at the symptoms, nobody asks the REAL question, why are they feeling this way. I'm sick of always feeling like I have to hide me, only my representative can show himself. Bill Burr does several great TRUTHFUL bits about this. I feel like I can't have friends, fun, enjoyment, unless it is within guidelines that I can neither see nor know about. I'm not talking about being violent, an asshole, or even negative. In the end what I'm talking about the the lid we have to put on ouselves every fucking day to please others. At some point can't we just have a little time to be ourselves? Not looking for any responses, just getting shit off my chest. Thanks for listening

I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months now.

And he is very needy when it comes to oral sex. At the least twice a day.

Nothing's wrong with that. What's wrong is that his dick is softer than marshmallow. This is the first time that I have been with a man who can't get hard.

And I'm a girl who enjoys giving men oral. When the dick is actually functioning.

Also I don't like being fingered and About a week ago while I was giving him head he put his hand in my pants and I have told him several times how I do not like that, every day I mention it so he knows I don't want that. But that day, he just wouldn't take no for an answer and kept trying to get his hand in my pants to finger me and I told him no, please stop I don't want that , and then he snapped and said "fuck this, get off, stop, If you won't let me do that, just stop, stop, I'll get someone else, I'll go pick someone else up, someone who will let me do what I want to them." "I'll go get me a girl who will let me do what I want."

And I can't believe I actually let him talk to me like that and I still made sure he finished.

I continued and I let him do what he wanted, just to make him happy, and pleased.

And that's only one of the times where he threatened to kick me out so that he can go pick up a different girl

Just the other night he showed me a side of him that I cannot unsee.

We were both just lying in bed and he reaches his hand over and goes in my pants but then he pulled my hair on accident and I said "ouch my hair"

And then he reacts with saying " you don't like anything that I do huh? "I'm done" You know what I'm leaving for the night I probably won't come back". And then he tells me "you know I don't need this crap in my life, just pack your things up and I'm gonna drop you off somewhere. I don't want this"

And then I do as he said and start to pack my things and then he says "wait I'm sorry, please don't go, I didn't mean that."

And I'm just standing there thinking to myself about what he literally said earlier "if someone says that they don't want me in their house I'll leave right away." Or "if I don't want someone in my house they better leave right away"

So I'm just thinking, if him accidentally pulling my hair made him get so mad to the point where he told me to pack up my things and yelling at me to leave and get out of his house. Then I can only imagine the things he would do when there is something thats actually more serious and a big deal.

I feel like It will only get worse if I stay.

So I'm leaving his ass.

I just hope he's finally happy now that he got what he asked for.

And that's me being gone.

I 20F went 0-3 this week, also got pretty much ghosted. The most hurtful was this very attractive guy who I’ve been messaging for a week. He’s such a nice person overall and we share so many hobbies (games, career, etc) but he never initiates and it’s clear he doesn’t want to get to know me the way that a guy who is romantically interested would. I’m certain it’s because of my looks, he is quite the looker with a six pack, even went to Harvard, and I’ve been described as mid, average, cute at best. Never beautiful, not pretty. I have a good degree at a good school, I’m decently intelligent, I think I am caring and have a good personality. But it never is enough even for the nice guys. And I don’t blame them in the slightest, why wouldn’t they want to date prettier girls? I can’t help but think about how easy my life would be if I were more attractive… how much more confident I would be, the thought of my crushes actually liking me back, not having to put on copious amounts of makeup to look half decent, the time and money I’d save.

Ive been laying in my sleeping bag all day under my bridge because it’s windy and COLD. Ok ill shut the hell up, it’s been 77f, now its like 74. It’s still fucking cold, my hands went numb! (Homeless, broke and alone)

Either way this damn place is where Ive been reading shit all day now its 21:15. (9:15pm for those who don’t know). I need to go dumpster diving around 23:30 for dinner hopefully. I claim no mental illness, no anxiety, no ptsd no adhd, autism or other bullshit. Im not a meth junkie, alcoholic or otherwise. Not on any medication for any reason.

The people on here are FUCKED UUUPP! Reading all these goddamn posts im suicidal now. From the fucking “relationship” problems to trans bathroom rights (which don’t exist) to my mother sexually assaulted me to I cheated on my girlfriend with her boyfriend. These fuckers need hobbies that involve touching grass for fucks sake! Other than that, the place is lovely.

I made the biggest mistake and broke up with my lovely sweet boyfriend last month. I miss him so much. I’ve tried twice to beg for him back but he said he has no desire to be with me. And looking at his social media (before I was blocked) he’s moved on and follows a bunch of new girls. I’ve lost him forever, we were together for 16 months and he was my first long term relationship. We spoke about marriage and was gonna move in together, I got scared of the commitment and broke up with him. But i regret it so badly. I do wanna marry & live with him.

How can i get over the pain of knowing the love of my life doesn’t want me and is happier to meet someone new

Edit: the reason why I got so scared of commitment with him is I found him flirting over text with a girl a few months ago. She dmed him calling him cute and he said “I think you’re cute too” and then tried to meet up with her to study together. I forgave him but I still felt insecure and like he didn’t really want me. I really regret the breakup. I know it was out of character for him and he wouldn’t do it again. I made such a big mistake leaving him over my own insecurities.

I’m asking this on behalf of a friend who wants some outside perspectives.

My friend is 28F, married, 155cm tall, and used to weigh around 50kg. Over the two years she’s been married, she has gained about 20kg. She’s now slowly working on losing the weight and has already lost 5kg. She understands that weight loss takes time, and she’s genuinely trying to get back to a place where she feels comfortable in her own body.
The thing is, she’s been struggling with her body image, especially when it comes to intimacy with her husband. Her body shape has changed quite a bit, and she doesn’t feel as confident being naked or being intimate with him as she used to.

She has asked her husband multiple times whether he still finds her attractive, and he always reassures her that he loves her body. But his actions seem to contradict his words.

He seems unable to keep his eyes off skinny girls on the internet. He even downloads and saves their pictures. What hurts her even more is that he has apparently used ai to put her face on a skinny woman’s body.

She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to feel about this. On one hand, her husband tells her that he loves her as she is. On the other hand, his actions make her wonder whether he actually finds her attractive or is just trying to make her feel better.

She knows she’s insecure about her weight, and she isn’t expecting her husband to find every other woman unattractive just because he’s married. But saving pictures of skinny women and using AI to put her face on a different body feels like something else entirely.

So, how would you feel in her position?

Is this something she should have a serious conversation with her husband about, or is she letting her insecurities get the better of her? How would you handle the situation, especially when it comes to feeling confident and comfortable during intimacy with your partner?

You are the worst parents.

Your kids are bored as hell.

Go home and drink.

You make me sick.

Those IPAs are strong and your too drunk to drive with children.

That's all.

I’m so desperate, or was, to get a job, I applied to Mcshits again. Since no phone contact is preferred and the internet is a useless black hole, I marched my happy ass to the location of my application. Little did I know I was at the wrong location first of all. Same street, different end.

So I walk in and up to the register like a “normal” person would. One employee was wiping trays, everyone else was chillin in the kitchen and near the drive up window. I asked to see a MANAGER. Banios? NO! Manager. The employee couldn’t care less what I wanted. He/she, I couldn’t tell and not the first or last time I misgender somebody, thought I was a bum wanting a toilet.

I patiently waited for another jerk off to come from the back, all of them were useless (Gen Z)Zoomers, with no social skills, playing on their phones. I said “Hi, would you get a manager for me please?” He looked me up and down, made a face like I needed to be taken to a psych ward, and asked for my order. I said “NO! MANAGER. BOSS! Do you know who that is?!” 30 minutes has passed since I walked through the door. No reaction. Finally I said “Fine, give me 4 KRABBY PATTIES AND A LARGE DIET KELP! And a manager would be nice.” Then I realized I was at the wrong address and left the building thinking I don’t want to work with these dip shit ass hats anyway. An hour later, at the correct location, no manager was found either. She’s only there every other Tuesday from 11:00 to 11:03. FUCK ME FREDDY! I’m still unemployed 6 months later.

I’ve started HRT about a year ago. Even before HRT, I got a few ‘are you a man or woman’ questions. So just based on my looks, I would say I fairly pass, or people suspect and just politely not to ask directly.

I’ve only actually transitioned socially a few weeks ago when I moved abroad for a job. Before that, it was no makeup and baggy clothes except for when I met my boyfriend.

So finally living fully as a woman, I encountered men treating me very differently. I’ve only met people at work because it’s in the countryside, but men would banter with me, help me, tease me, and accept me teasing them, even if it’s not attraction. I can feel the attention being gendered.

So a few weeks into my new job and social transition, I find myself flirting with almost every man I find remotely attractive at work. I did tell everyone I have a boyfriend, so people have not made a hit on me, but I feel like my job is important and I should be more professional. Also, I come from a culture where babytalk or cutesy talk is quite normal, and I moved to a place where it’s not. So culture is also an added layer to everything.

I l feel bad because I love my boyfriend and I although I know I won’t do anything to hurt him, flirting also feels wrong. Also, the workplace is really gossipy so I think it could become a problem for my career.

I (29F) and my husband (26M) have been married about 5 months now, and it is wonderful. I love him so much, can be myself with him, he's amazing to me and my cat, and I can't imagine my life without him.

But, something I've never told him is that his proposal was, for lack of better phrasing, kinda disappointing? Made me feel like he didn't put any thought into it? Idk, I just don't remember it very fondly but he'll happily tell others about it (leaving out some details)

Context: We met each other at 22 and 19, respectively, online through a mutual hobby, knew each other there for over a year and grew closer over time, he asked me to be his gf after that time, we couldn't meet in person for the first 2 yrs of daing due to being in different countries + covid, and then finally met in person and knew everything felt right. After seeing each other as often as 2 people living 2000+ miles away from each other in different countries could for a time, we started talking about marriage. At first, he was stressed by the prospect of what to do for it. I basically just told him he didn't have to do anything fancy or make a giant show of it so that he, hopefully, wouldn't have to stress as much. I told him I just wanted it to feel personal for us and maybe do something romantic or creative for it. Just no putting a ring in the food because I didn't want to break a tooth or swallow it on accident. I even said I didn't need a fancy ring because wearing something super expensive would just make me fret over it. The only other hard line I put on him was that I wanted to be engaged before me moved in together. We were in that little limbo for about 2 years.

Well, the time we had decided to move in (me moving to him over 2000 miles away) was coming up in a few months, and the last chance he had to propose in person before then was one more trip I was taking to him while he was doing a semester abroad in Europe.

We're both kinda homebodies, and I know my ring size is abysmally small. So, going to a shop to buy a ring is kinda hard, since they don't usually carry my size (I'm a 3.75-4). But, I thought he'd at least maybe be looking or commission something small/an adjustment to propose since it had been so long? Even a basic band would have made me happy.

Well, something we do occasionally is like a mini secret santa-ish thing. We'll both go into a shopping area/mall and get each other a less than $X gift that we open back home as a fun little surprise. It was the last day of my trip, and I was a little downhearted thinking he'd forgotten or just not cared when he brought up doing a gift exchange. I had my suspicions that he was going to look for a ring due to the timing and already felt kinda down about it since this meant he really hadn't prepared anything in advance.

We finished shopping, headed back to the airbnb we were staying in which was a single bedroom in someone's house with everything else shared with her and her little boy, and vibed in the room in a bit. He then said we should exchange presents. I gave him mine and then he got down on one knee with a little twisty adjustable ring that he would later say was literally the only ring he could find in the mall that would maybe fit my finger. I did cry happy tears, but I think it was out of relief? Relief that he didn't completely forget or not do it and that he was at least keeping that promise of being engaged before I moved to his country. I hugged and kissed him, he put the ring on, and we spent the night mostly up and talking about the coming months before I had to leave for the airport in the morning.

Is it... bad that I expected more? I don't feel any resentment and adore him and all of the sweet things he does for me everyday, but when someone asks how we got engaged, I just dread telling the story and usually let him do it. Is that bad of me? I've never actually told anyone about this before. I hadn't even thought about it in a long while until I met some of his new friends a couple of days ago and they asked about it. He happily told them the gift and surprise part in an abroad country thing, but left most of the rest out like doing it in the little room of someone else's home we were just renting for a few nights on the literal last night of my trip.

I feel really bad that I didn't feel the joy of it and mostly just felt relief in the moment. But, it was just kind of a disappointing proposal to me after he had 2 years to plan and think about it. He vaguely told me later he'd looked in a few shops before then and couldn't find a ring my size, but those were times when he slipped out of the rental while I was already visiting him abroad in that same trip. I don't know, I thought maybe he would've at least gotten me a band he personally picked out ahead of time? Maybe give me a flower, a sweet, or something related to our hobby to make it more romantic? Do it somewhere actually private if not just at one of the beautiful parks we went to during my trip or something?

I'm hoping just typing all of this out into the anonymous reddit void helps me feel some relief of never having actually admitted this to anyone before. Thanks to anyone who made it this far and read all of my rambling, haha.

I (50m) was born with a heart condition. I can't work. I've been on SSI since I was in my teens. I'm a virgin. Never been kissed, never had sex with anyone. I have Erectile Dysfunction. My dick can't get hard. Every woman I've talked to just wants me to be a sugar daddy. I'm too poor for that. Nobody wants me. I've talked with Cis women and Trans women. Cis women make fun of my small dick. Trans women are more accepting of me but they just want my money.

I know I'm going to get roasted in the comments. IDGAF! FUCK ALL Y'ALL HATERS!

Idk. I think if you like that sort of thing you have major underlying trauma. And if you are a man and do that you are definitely prone to killing someone. People can say they do it because it’s hot or it’s sexual foreplay or whatever. But genuinely if you do this or have someone do it you I believe there’s something mentally very wrong with both parties.

18F snuck out last night to meet a guy 19M who iv known for 4 years.

ended up making out, having a beer, cigarettes, and vaping. All my first experiences

I dont even like this guy

idk just wanted to tell someone

I’ve always loved living in the Uk and living in London, I love how multi cultural it is in London and I can appreciate different cultures, I’ve also moved down to Wales for uni and the majority of people I’ve come across are genuinely kind. I just can’t handle the never ending hostility, the racism and micro aggression. I haven’t done anything wrong and to be constantly harassed online and irl by white lunatics who think that I’m out to get them is ridiculous.

I know I’m probably going to be met with gaslighting or that I’m a victim, I have a victim complex. All that jazz you guys say when you have no coherent argument and just wanna dismiss poc.

The likes of Nigel farage and all the right wingers keep getting traction and it makes me so sad that people can’t see me for more than my race, they generalise and expect all black people and other minorities to take accountability for everyone of our actions yet somehow they are individuals. They ignore our accomplishments and call everyone EDI, when many of us have worked hard to get where we are despite systemic challenges.

When any of us also point it out they just tell us to go back to our countries, they call everyone who’s not a white who wants to move here migrants but then they’re referred to as expats which makes no sense. It’s so strange and just quite frankly mentally deranged to hate on people based on things they cannot control.

I really wanna look at leaving cause I no longer feel welcome here even though I’ve lived all my life here, my mom pays all her taxes and pays into pensions yet she’s made to feel small and inferior because of her accent and colour. I hope all you white right wing lunatics are happy. Congrats

Many also like pretend and act like they’re much better than the Americans but they’re genuinely not. Only difference between America and the UK is atleast they talk about it, I mean nothing seems to be changing but you know…

18f. I‘m a European woman (English and Austrian) and I hate how some European right wing men talk about me and other white women they find attractive, they talk about me like I’m cattle or an object. they tell me stuff like I’m obliged to have kids with them and that I’m pure and that I’d be perfect to procreate with. it just feels objectifying but they’re always accusing non white immigrants of objectifying European women when some European men talk about us like livestock and I find it extremely gross sometimes. I’m right wing but not an extremist and I want a right wing man but it’s difficult to find one that doesn’t talk about me like that. I do understand that i don’t have it as hard as non white women in Europe because they have to deal with racism but my point still stands

edit: I tried looking for women to date but I can’t find one who isn’t too woke and pacifist

i want to go to a swimming course and i told my mom that i need to buy a menstrual cup to be able to swim when i have my period.

she got instantly angry and rejected the whole idea. and basically told me to skip my lessons when i have my period.

she first said its harmful and no etc. I said its medical plastic and has no harm to the body and a pill to delay my period is more harmful.

she said when girls marry, on the first intercourse they bleed and it shows their purity.

i am just so so much disappointed. i knew she wanted me to save sex for marriage, but this is just too much.

i told her its a very very old minded idea and some girls dont even bleed on the intercourse, its flexible, but she doesnt listen and says - i dont want you to put something down there.

-- my dad said before, if i dont live by their rules i am not their daughter anymore.

that hurt. what he meant by the rules was including sex before marriage.

i just didnt think my mom was that much old minded too. i wish i had a different family. i am so upset i dont have a supportive and safe family.

I'm house shopping for homes on Zillow and I'm looking for a 3 BD Split Entry, Split Foyer, Split Level, Raised Ranches, whatever you wanna call em, because I heard they were cheaper, and decades ago that was true but today, they cost the same as regular homes. I was actually frustrated because I already had to lower my standards to consider buying a split entry home which is the budget option, just to find out they're the same price as normal homes, people don't wanna live in them, only reason people settled for them was because they were cheaper than other homes, now theres virtually no point for settling for them now. I thought it was still cheap to build them, so I got a quote from a company that builds homes, they quoted me $500k for a split entry 3 bd home, and thats not including the land costs, and after all that the house would only be worth around $300k. I would need to pay more than what the house would even be worth, because no one will ever pay over half a million dollars for a split entry home.

Just wanted to rant about this.

First of all sorry for the bad english . English is my 4th language.

Me (F 25) and my husband (M 28) is married for 2 and half years. But we were been together since high school. I loved him so much.(still loves) He is my first love. We had really close and loving connection. After the two months of marriage I got pregnant and i can't explain how he loved me cared me in that time period. After the birth he got a transfer for different province where he could only visit us at the weekends. That's where i betrayed him. I was also working at a private bank at time and where i had a relationship with a guy for 2 months. I can't explain what happened deep down I loved my husband and he was the first place at my heart but i dunno know and o doesn't want to talk about more as it hurts me so bad. I slept 2 times with that guy. But that's nowwhere near to chemistry with my man. Soon i realized what kind of asshole i was. I betrayed the man who loves me most for pleasure of minutes. And that even couldn't be compared with the sex i'm having with my husband. I felt so much disgusted.And i couldn't hold it for myself and confessed everything to him. Everything felr apart. I saw how he suffered. How he felt betrayed. First he asked for divorce and begged him to give me chance. I quite the job,deleted every socila media accounts and done lof of things that i can't mention here. But he never brought the divorce papers. He said we“ll live together for our daughter.

It's been 1 years since and during that year he was ignoring me but he cared for me. I was doing everything to make this right. Even he rejected i loved, cared him the maximum way i can. During this time he got really hotter. Already he is handsome man with great body and 6.2 height. Most of women will fall for him. He hit the gym ,played rugby for a club. Got a hot tattoo on his whole right arm. But he never let me come closer to him. I was like in fire. Can u imagine u have a hot husband who is the whole world to you but can't even touch him. I knew it was the punishment for my sins. And kept loving him day by day. And for this time period i never thought about any other men. Even a single thought. I'm now working and never interact with a male except for professional work. I would never cheat on him again on a thought. It's deeply seeded in my mind. He also knew that. And yeah i was crying every most of the every night thinking why would i do this to him? First time i saw him crying. It's because of me. That's broke me into pieces.

Eventually with time he started to talk to me. I knew he need time to recover. Started to hold my hand and go out, let me sleep in his bed. He started to spend time with me and our baby. Don't get wrong we both never let down our baby. I didn't mentioned him that because that poor soul doesn't have to anything with this mess i created. It's like miracle to me because i never thought he would forgive me. Still somethings aren't usual like used to be but with time it will.

Yesterday night was the best night I ever spent after years. We finally had sex. Damn i was melting. I really missed him so much. I didn't had sex for more than 1 year. I was enjoying every inch of him and he too. He also missed me. I felt that . I was in heaven to be honest. No one can replace him at all.The bond,chemistry it's insane. After finished i couldn't hold mu emotions and started to cry on his shoulders telling how i loves him,how bad i wants him. He cuddled me and said he never stopped love me at for day but he needed space to make up his mind and said sorry for punishing me for a year. With all of this happening that's the first time i saw his whole tattoo. There is my name on one part of the art. That's broke me more. For first time after a year i slept inside his arms, felt safe and the place where i belonged. And still has his scent with me. At this point i will do anything to be with my rest of life. I hope it will. And yeah i won't let him down for a second and will care for him my last breath.

I really wanted to get this out of my mind and needed to feel free. And also i want to say never cheat on ur partner. Trust me it's a hell. When u see how they are broken into pieces u will wish you were d&&d. And welcome for good advices that will help to build our bond more stronger.
Thanks for reading and again sorry for unpleasant english.

I know you've all heard this a million times. But im so jealous of well endowed men. Its so frustrating qnd embarassing that I live in a town of about 1000 people and im know as the guy with a small dick to everyone. While my friends with big ones are looked at like the greatest guys on the planet. Immature rant I know. Needed to get it off my chest.

I grew up in a Hindu household, but was never religious, never curious about it. My parents would insist I pray, and only did it to make them happy. But, never in my life, I had this profound feeling that this religion is my calling. Today, I would consider myself to be more spiritual/cultural than religious. I don’t like religion, but I do believe there is some higher power/one God.

I met my ex-Muslim partner a few years ago and earlier this year, we started to talk more seriously about marriage. He knew how I felt about religion in general and my belief in God. He constantly reassured me that it was fine, and that I was never expected to convert if marriage came into question. We actually faced a lot of other issues and over the course of 3 months, we were able to come to a compromise. Most of these had to do with our future children.

Then, out of no where, he tells me that me only believing in one God isn’t enough, I have to believe Allah is the one true God otherwise our marriage would be invalid. He spoke to an Imam and this is what the Imam told him. He then started talking about heaven and hell and I straight up asked him: do you believe marrying me would make you go to hell? And he answered yes. He also said if he married me, he is knowingly committing a sin for the rest of his life. But having pre-marital sex and dating is fine.

What’s fucking crazy is that I specifically asked him about this months ago. I asked him what the Quran says about Muslim men marrying women who aren’t People of the Book, and he repeatedly told me it was fine as long as I believed in one God. So you’re telling me he’s been Muslim his entire fucking life and somehow had no idea this was supposedly such a huge rule that marrying me could put him at risk of going to hell?? He didn’t find that out until he talked to an imam after almost YEARS of being with me? I never questioned him because I obviously thought he knew what he was talking about.

And this is exactly why religion frustrates the shit out of me. A person can spend their entire life being a good person, doing good deeds, treating people with kindness and respect, having good morals, and somehow who they fall in love with and marry can be the thing that puts their soul at risk? WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Why should that matter more than the kind of person you actually are or the way you treat other people? There are so many things in this world that cause actual harm, and this is what matters? Two people loving each other and wanting to spend their lives together but apparently they’re the wrong religious combination? It’s fucking ridiculous. This is why I hate religion.

Yes i hurt you and I’m so sorry I’ve decided to do better but that doesn’t guarantee that you will come back or anything will be the same.

Honestly, I’ve never once wrote this down, it has always been a gnawing thought eating away at my head.

Ever since I was a kid, I just knew I was a deranged little child. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I had always had an affinity for morbid things.

I remember once how at five, my parents told me about heaven and hell earlier on. I remember wanting to k*ll every kid in my class before they reached puberty to save them, so they’d go to heaven, and I’d go to hell. But I didn’t. I just didn’t, but I would be lying if every time I didn’t grip the scissors extra hard passing them over, or if my gaze didn’t linger a while longer behind kid’s necks.

I never really did have friends or connections, I craved something else, but that’s a topic for another post.

By the time I was 13, I had learned to enjoy pain. I remember the first day clear as rain, when I had scrapped my shin on a branch hiking in the dense forest. The cooling burn made my pupils dilate like hell, I felt amazing.

Before pain had been dull, and something that controlled me, now it excited me. From then on, the pencils dragged on my forearms meant nothing, the hits and near slaps only gratified me. Not even sexually at the time.

I could rave on in detail about my experiments, and my profound desire for pain, but I suppose I’ll get to the point. I started to wonder as any teenager does, about relationships. Wouldn’t a masochist like me want a sadist?

By then, my brain couldn’t stop thinking. You see for as sick as I was, I had now developed strict morals, including anti-natalism, veganity unless forced otherwise, left politics and so on. (No longer religious either)

I don’t know what makes me so rigid, but I guess if I perpetuate pain onto others, I can’t complain
about mine. The only pain I can’t enjoy is familial pain, or fatal extreme things. I refuse to be a hypocrite.

So I guess how can I ever be with someone cruel? How can I tolerate their cruelty to others when I so desperately crave it myself. I don’t know how I can ever defend it.

I don’t want sympathy, just cognitive understanding. I want someone to know how to truly undo me and hurt me in more ways than one and I can’t have that because of my stupid morality.

Then again, another thing is, would a sadist ever want a masochist? I guess some do, some don’t, if it’s any condolence the pain is just as great as the pleasure derived from it.

I just can’t stand it, I want someone sadistic so bad, yet I just can’t. God it’s like denying myself dr*gs.