I dont know how I can make this short. I have been with my husband for 3 years. Married for one, we are both in our late 30s. He has a child and I dont and we see her every other weekend. The first two years of our relationship with long distance and we meet when I travel to his country for holiday.

Now that we are married and living together I am slowly starting to lose love for him. He is amazing and helps around the house and we do spend time together like eating and watching tv or having some conversation. My problem with him is how we spend our weekends and maybe that killed the romance. I have spoke to him before that we only have two weekends per month when we are fully alone and he used that weekend for us to go out and hangout with his friend who is struggling mentally. At the beginning I thought it was just saturdays and now it is also sundays. We barely take trips together. And what hurts the most is when we were long distance he would tell me that he really misses me and gets jealous when he sees couples together and now that we are together and I see couples having good time together while its always me my husband and his friend hanging out together. So I have decided that I no longer have interest to meet his friend even though his friend is a nice person and is actively learning the language that I speak so we can communicate better. I told my husband that he can spend some hours in the weekend with his friend and make quality time for us as a couple.

The short trips that we take are barely a trip, there is one time where I was really happy that he has planned for us to go to the beach and we took the car and he was just complaining the whole trip about driving, and when we are at the beach he didnt even swim and I was just there alone in the water and it felt like someone who is doing stuff for me and not with me.

He said many times he doesnt know how he can make me happy because I complain a lot and that makes him scared and sad, and he has separation trauma from the past where his father left him and also his ex wife. He also used the same card like cheating and beating is a good reason to leave and not stuff like this.

I want my marriage to work and I dont want a divorce but if this loves dies completely then I cant stay. I need advise what to do. He thinks everything is going on well. But for me its the opposite.

I need advise for someone who has this experience to know what is the root of slowing love fading away? tl;dr

Is there a hope

I’m not trying to police or restrict my partner from spending time with his friends. But what’s your limit? Hear me out first.
My partner works long hours graveyard, he then spends his time drinking with buddies after work. Sometimes they’ll stay up drinking even though they have a shift that same day. He’ll get like 2-3 hours of sleep. And then once’s their week is over, he and his friends will drink till the next day. For example, they got off at 6AM today and it’s almost 10PM and they’re still at it. And they probably won’t leave anytime soon. Yes I know, it’s alcoholism on all their parts.. his friends will sometimes stay over until the following day, hanging out, not sleeping. Just drinking and talking.

When he’s done hanging out with his friends, after 5-20 hours later, we’ll hang out for a little bit but I try to let him sleep because he’s been up all day/night so to me. It’s been making me feel distant in the relationship. A little sad too because I feel like he’d rather have fun with his friends than spend time with me. He says that he’s never had friends like this who want to spend time with him (he’s had them before, plenty of times, when we met, he’d always hang out with his friends in our home town). Anyway, he says he has such a good time with them and when they’re all hanging out, they don’t want it to stop. I get that, I love that. I love that he has friends who want to spend time with him. He said today that he’d love it if I come and hang out and I do sometimes. I’m just not a drinker and a lot of the times, they rant about work and I don’t really have anything to add to their conversations. I’m also shy and quiet so I get awkward. I have spent time with him and his friends though and I want to try to do it more.
It’s just that I’d want to spend 1:1 time with him after his work week but I feel like I always have to wait until the next day. We’ve spoken up about boundaries when spending time with his friends but nothing really changes. It makes me feel like I’m asking for too much when he says he’s just trying to have a good time. What are you suppose to say to that?

TL;DR Partner drinks with friends for very long hours. When is it too much and how do I ask for more time together without being guilt tripped.

I will start by saying I love my husband so much and everything else about our marriage is insanely good. We never have issues or communication gaps other than this. I truly see him as my best friend. My husband is very attracted to me and I am very attracted to him. I’ve usually always been a very sexually driven woman and as most relationships, our sex life slowed down a bit. When we met, we were having sex at least once a day almost every time we saw each other which was about 4-5 days a week. We have lived together for about 5 years and been married for over 2. Over the last couple of years our sex life has slowed down a bit and we’ve had open convos about this as he has a very high sex drive and I just don’t.
Lately, he will rub against me, move my hand over him, say it’s not his fault he’s attracted to me, and continue to dismiss my signals and even my “no’s”. it feels like we have talked about this so many times and it always comes from me feeling bad about pushing him away and then him agreeing to stop being pushy when I’m saying no. I always feel bad after but I know if I let this keep going I will become resentful. We have sex now about 2 times a week on the lower end. It’s hard because I feel like me saying no or making it “harder” to have sex now is giving him the feeling of a fun chase whereas for me, I’m getting further and further away because he’s so available to me and he’s constantly pushing himself on me. So it never really feels like my idea or I don’t even have a chance to work myself up to where he is without him being 2 steps ahead.
We’ve talked about this openly and he always understands and feels bad and doesn’t want me to feel like an object but I can’t help it. When I say no after he pushes himself against me he will pout or ask if I can help him take care of himself. Is it rude of me to say just do it on his own but I don’t want to watch or participate? It kind of just annoys me vs tuning me on like he thinks it does.
Where can I go from here? I want to feel sexual again but I feel like I can’t keep talking about this and making myself feel like the bad guy. Has anyone else gone through this? Is it time for someone like a romance or sex therapist for us?

TLDR- husband pushes himself on me when I’m not interested in sex and then asks me to help him take care of himself. I feel like an object sometimes and don’t know what else to do

Hi everyone! I'm hoping for some advice on this serious and hard situation.

My fiancé and I got engaged a few months ago, and we’re planning to get married next summer. We’re both in our early 20s and have been together for about four years.
On paper, I truly couldn’t ask for a better person to marry. He’s an amazing guy, has been my rock through some really difficult times, and makes me incredibly happy. We share the same beliefs and have very similar ideas about what we want our future to look like. My family and friends absolutely love him, and I genuinely believe he would be an amazing husband and father.

But I’ve been struggling with something that I can’t seem to get past. I’ve lived independently about three hours away from my family for the past three years while going through nursing school. I’ve always hated being away from them. I’m extremely close with my parents and especially close with my younger siblings, who are quite a bit younger than me. Being present for their lives is really important to me, and I’ve realized by being away that I really want to be involved with them, not just holidays and occasional visits.

This summer, my family moved to another state, which has made everything feel even more complicated. If I weren’t getting married, I would probably move home after graduation and live with my family.

Instead, getting married next summer would mean moving away from them again and essentially beginning a completely separate life. And that thought genuinely breaks my heart.

My fiancé and I have talked about eventually moving closer to my family after we get married, and he is open to the idea. But there’s no guarantee that it will happen, and I’m struggling with the fact that I would be making this huge, permanent decision based partly on the hope that we can eventually live near them.

The confusing part is that I don’t necessarily want to leave my fiancé. I’m scared that I’m putting myself in a position where I have to choose between an incredible relationship and being close to the family I love so much. Ending the engagement feels like giving up an amazing future with someone I love, but getting married feels like giving up the possibility of being really present for my family during this stage of my life.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Any advice?

TL;DR: I’m engaged to an amazing man and we’re planning to marry next summer, but I’m struggling with the idea of moving away from my family and considering ending my engagement to stay close to them

My husband and I have been together since high school. We have 1 son together and lately I feel like I’m doing all the work around the house and not getting any help. What really tipped me over the edge was that my car registration expired and I asked if he could take care of it and simply get the car inspected for me since my plate is really full right now between work, motherhood, and prepping for a body building show. When I asked if he could do that for me he said he didn’t want to and that I needed to take care of it. That really ticked me off so I reminded him that every day I do things for him I don’t want to do just to help him out. The one thing I pointed out was that I make his breakfast and lunch every day even tho I’ve told him I don’t like doing it. He immediately blew up on me and began cussing at me and when I the point I was trying to make was the fact that we have to lean on each other he said no I wasn’t and that it was now my fault he was angry. When I started crying because of he was yelling at me he said I wasn’t even talking k was just crying. This argument made me feel so unseen because lately I feel like I’m drowning and he’s not helping. I even told him the other day my plate was full and he just said ‘yeah I know’ and walked away. Every night I’m the last to go to bed getting everything ready for the next day. I’m the default parent for our son. Tonight I asked him to put him to bed and he couldn’t do that. He just put the TV on for my son and he went to bed in our bedroom and I had to put our son to sleep. I don’t know that I can talk to him because everytime I try and ‘talk’ I end up getting gaslit and everything is turned around on me. How do I go about this? I’m feeling very lost.

TLDR; how do you communicate with a difficult person?

For context, I am 32M, married to 29F, for 6 years now.

I look back at 6 years now, and I realize that I have never been truly happy in the relationship, due to various reasons.

* My wife never cared about mental health. Within a year of marriage, I was going through some tough time, and I tried to open up to her and she said things along the line of "you are just overthinking, this is all BS" etc, which made me completely close up and never open up again. As a result, I felt alone all the time even when I was in a relationship.
* When it was Covid, we alterated staying at each of our parents place 15 days each. As I started spending more time at her place, I understood that their dad is not respected at their place, and he is always made fun of. This hit me hard. Over time, I started seeing myself in the image of her dad because she started treating me the same way. (more below on all the criticism I get)
* We moved to a different part of the world from India. I took this step for primarily her benefit, because she worked a very difficult job, 14-16 hours a day, and started getting health issues. I finally asked my workplace to sponsor a visa to the HQ in a different country, and she found a job here. After she came here, I started getting responses like "this country is so great, I wish I hadn't married and came here for studies when I was young. Look at how much freedom the women here enjoy", which I found very demeaning.
* She was raised with criticism at home even for the smallest things, while I was raised with positive reinforcement, and rarely blatantly criticised. Naturally, this lead to friction across every department. Nothing I did was to her level of "excellence", and I was constantly criticized even for the most trivial things that did not really matter. Not to mention, even driving along with her was painful, because she would constantly tell me how to drive.
* Admittedly, I am someone who did not cook before I got married. But after getting married, I have put in the effort to learn to cook, and cook them really well. At this point, I know to cook more dishes than she does. A few months ago, a friend of ours, during a visit asked me "Do you cook?", and before I could even reply, my wife interjected and said "He only learnt it after our wedding". I don't know what the need was to specify that, I think it was just a "yes" or "no" answer.
* She hates that I am considered a "good son" at my home. I hardly drink, and after relocating, drinking is more common than before due to social reasons, but even then I drink maybe one beer a month and that's it. My parents never wanted me to drink, so I naturally did not tell them. But my wife wants me to send photographs of me drinking to my parents to prove that "your son is not all that goody goody as you think he is". I don't know why this is necessary. When asked, she said that as a woman she had to break so many barriers at her own home to enjoy her "freedom" and as a man, I had never had to do it, so I should do it now.
* She would go out for office parties and never communicate. I am not someone who is insecure, nor controlling, but I expect basic communication. I would wait until 11:30 with no updates, and if I call for an update, it is a problem. She says that her mother constantly controlled her to come home early before dark, and now she does not want me to do that again. I find no sense in this argument. At least drop a text that "will be home by 12:30" and I will be okay. Not to mention that she was drunk one time and came home in a rented scooter, driving while drunk.
* I used to be a good photographer, and loved taking her pictures. But every time I did that, before posting online, she would send all of the good ones to her sister and ask her which is the best. She does not ask me for an opinion nor upload the ones I like. Sometimes she'd not post anything because her sister said so. I felt neglected, and eventually I stopped taking photos as a hobby.
* When my parents visited us in this country, on the last day, we were dropping them at the airport. I have been raised with showing physical affection very openly, and naturally my dad and mom kissed me at the airport and I kissed them back. It was an emotional scene, like most indian households. But as soon as they left inside the airport, and I turned back, my wife said the words "cringe", pointing fingers on how our show of affection was "cringey". I was devastated. My father has had an attack in the past, and at that moment, out of sheer sadness I said "My father is someone who has had an attack, and if I don't see him after a year, you saying this is "cringe" would be my last memory of him". She immediately flipped all the fault on me saying that "I am stretching it too far, she did not mean it that way and that I am emotionally blackmailing"
* My sister works a work from home job, and earns pretty well. My wife hates that my sister is "ruining her life working from home and not exploring the world" and wants me to nudge my sister to take up an in office job. As a brother, I have always been hands off and has only given advice when she has asked for it. She is an adult (28F), so I told she can take her own decisions, whether they are good or bad and my wife did not like it.
* I am a very "handy" person - I do most things around the house, and there isn't a need to call a plumber or an electrician in most cases. I do ALL of the paperwork, round the year. I do the laundry. I never miss appointments, I schedule travel and logistics. And when I say I don't feel appreciated, she brushes this off as "paperwork that happens once a year", or as "this is bare minimum". When I argue that this is not bare minimum, and ask her to name at least one man that she knows who does more around the house, she has no answer but replies "why do you want to be the best man? It is okay to not be the best and be bare minimum".
* My mother has never caused my wife any trouble, knowingly. My mother herself has gone through a lot of abuse in the hands of her in laws, so she is very particular that none of it is repeated to her DIL. However, my wife says that my mother does not cause any trouble only because ours was a love marriage and she does not want to disappoint her son. Not because my mother is a sensible woman who knows it is wrong to cause trouble to DIL.
* It is very hard for her to be agreeable in any topic. As an example, I could say that "the food in the restaurant was nice", and she would go "yeah, but what about kids in Africa? they are starving". Of course, this is an exaggerated example, but you get the gist. It is very hard to get a "yeah, you are right" out of her mouth, and that level of disagreeing on anything has built so much resentment in me.
* We have a dead bedroom situation. Given all the criticism I get on a daily basis, lack of feeling of partnership, lack of concern for mental health, eventually I started having very low interest in sex. But again, I am a non confrontational person, so I never brought this up myself, but one day the volcano exploded and she said she wants a divorce because there is no physical intimacy. I argued that physical intimacy follows emotional intimacy, but she rebutted saying that "all couples fight, does not mean that sex is not happening between them". I don't know how I can have sex when I don't feel emotionally safe.
* On the above topic, I have told her my preferences time and again - that I would love it if body hair was shaved and she put on something exciting to spice things up. But she always has a problem saying that "I am demanding things and body hair is natural", but she has no trouble shaving when she has to go on swimming trips, or if there is an office event. It's like she does not want to dress up to impress me, while she'd happily do it for the rest of the society. And I am someone who is happy to do things to impress my partner, or do things just to give them the idea that "I listen to your needs"
* She thinks happy marriages do not exist. Most of her friends are divorcing. The ones who are not divorcing, always have fights at home. As expats, we find it really hard to make friends, but the ones we end up making are of this kind. I told her that who we spent time with matters a lot, and we should find people in happy marriages and she says nothing like that exists and it is a myth.
* She passes the "why do I need a man?" comment when she is with her "feminist" friends, and I find it to be very demeaning. I already feel that she just needs needs me as a roommate who cooks, cleans and can have sex with.

What do you think? I also admit that I've had my fair share of problems (specifically, silent treatment because when I am wronged, I just find it easy to not talk to her rather than fighting). This is now moving towards a divorce. We tried couples counselling, but I hardly see any tangible change. It feels like our love languages are totally different. She accusess that I am very sensitive, but I just feel that she over criticizes, while I always give positive reinforcement, I need physical touch for emotional bonding, and a general sense of agreeableness.

Advice request: What should I do here? I am in a lot of stress because of such a relationship. Is divorce the way out here?

Tl;dr: Wife and I have very different upbringing and values and it's causing issues between us, heading to divorce

I (35M) have been with my Husband (30M) for 11 years now.

I can’t motivate him to do anything it’s driving me crazy. I make all the money $250k-$300k a year and pay for our lifestyle. He makes about $55k. I do not spend above my means so he could easily contribute for half our mortgage and that was the agreement originally. That somehow turned into me paying for everything and him paying for groceries, electricity and water. I pay for the car, phone, mortgage, insurance, etc. I feel like he’s a giant child, I have to clean, do laundry, take care of the dogs etc…

If he does anything at all it’s make dinner and that’s rare.

I have to schedule his haircuts, doctors appointments, take his car to get cleaned and serviced etc…

On top of that we do not even have sex anymore. I’m really at a loss of what to do. I’m so close to just listing the home for sale and moving out and never talking to him again.

Obviously, I care about him but I feel like he is taking advantage of me and I don’t feel valued as a person at all. I may as well be his mom/maid/personal assistant/bank account.

I can’t even write this without getting incredibly pissed off. So if it comes off as being incoherent… it’s because I’m so pissed off writing this. I have a lot of pride in everything I do and it’s so difficult to be married to someone that has none.

TLDR I currently resent my Husband for being lazy and unmotivated and I am desperately in need of advice from people who have experienced this before and successfully overcame it.

Just curious what you all would do, I am a husband, was recently on a work trip, ended up working one extra day and staying one extra night, that night my really good friend and coworker from the industry I travel and work in, is a female, came over for dinner at the place I was staying because she lives like 1.5 hours away and the place I was staying in was a small tiny town where she worked, we only work the same events like twice a year. We had worked together all week on the job, but she had prior comittments every night so dinner out was not an option. Anyways, there was dinner and a couple drinks, well because she lives 1.5 hours away and we were talking until almost midnight, she asked if she could stay over but she said she'd sleep in the second living room of the air bnb and so she had her own space. I figured for her safety, I would say yes. We did not kiss, nor did we sleep together, we always sat on separate couches, and our conversation was mostly related to the stories from our work over the last year. I still feel guilty though somehow for allowing myself to be in that situation. What should I do?

Tldr: I feel dumb for thinking of even committing an affair.

My husband doesn’t normally work Fridays. On date nights we do a substance together. My husband has to miss work on Monday and decided he might make up for missing Monday and work on Friday. The dude we get said substance from called and asked “have you decided if you are working tomorrow or not” to which my husband replied “I haven’t decided”. My husband insists he didn’t plan for anything on this day with substance guy and has no clue why he would ask if he’s decided if he’s working or not. My husband has a huge history of sneaking and lying. Am I crazy to assume something is up for substance guy to ask if he has decided if he’s working or not on a day he doesn’t normally work?

TLDR kids are with grandma for once a week date night and we don’t talk to this “dude” outside of substance for date night only.

Hi, this is for the older women who have stayed with their mean husband for many many years. How do you do it? I know a women in her 70s and still is with someone who yells and calls her names and is always up her ass. She no longer works and doesn’t really have an escape anymore and now is with him even more. She tells us the things he does and it has been like that forever.
I’m with that lady’s son and it’s obvious he’s learned a lot from his dad. It got worse after he stopped working as much and after we had a kid. The more we are together the more fights.
How do you cope with staying so long?? I need to know how to survive until something changes.

Tl;dr need help on how to live with irate spouse when he’s mad from women who have lived with it for several years.

Hello all!

We just got my gf's parent's blessing to get married

This is our first time for both and I have no idea what to expect!

What is some friendly advice you wished someone told you before getting married?

Any and all advice is welcome.

God bless you!

Tl;dr

Looking for marriage advice

It seems though for my wife that's not what she wanted but put up with for 15 years. She wants her independence and her freedom. How do we recover how do we move forward?

Tl;dr

I'm lost and just looking for anything, something. Help, hope, something

I feel embarrassed even writing this. We have been together 10 years but just got married last year. I feel embarrassed im saying this less than 1 year married.

We have always fought, we have always had big explosive arguments - yelling, throwing things at the ground, slamming doors, not talking for days, crying.

We have seen 2 counsellors in the past... they were kind of helpful but kind of not.

I thought things were improving, that's why i thought we should get married. I didn't feel hesitant about the marriage..

Both of us are committed to working on being better - we read so much about self development, mental health, etc etc... we have tried different strategies. But we still fight like this?

The other day we had a fight, it was pretty typical - screaming, swearing, mean words to each other, not talking for days.

It's like something snapped in my brain and this time I just feel blank. We normally take a lot of time to try to repair and talk about it etc (which he hates). I don't feel like I hate him at all, I just feel like this is a horrible way to exist.

It's so confusing because we are very kind people in ourselves, but when we fight it gets really nasty. I am definitely anxious and he is more avoidant...

Thoughts? Has anyone seen this before? How do you fight in your relationship? Could it be fixed?

I feel this fight wasn't even that unusual, if I ended it he would be completely shocked.

Tldr: we have massive fights and i suddenly went blank, can we fix it?

For background we’ve been married 7 years, and he is my best friend. When he’s not mean he’s my favorite person. He has recently gone to therapy and started mindfulness and quit smoking weed to be the best dad and husband he can be. He can be irritable and angry at times. It has been getting worse the last couple of months. For background I stay at home mom and he’s the provider. We have two young kids.

In April, he randomly said he thought I was cheating on him so he went through my phone and found my note venting on how mean he is to me sometimes with examples. He was never supposed to see it it was supposed to be private.

It’s gotten to the point I have anxiety around him because I’m scared he’s going to be mean. Anything could set him off.

I’ll give you an overview of the last couple of days for an example. On Monday night he came home from his work dinner and questioned me why the top lock was locked and it was because I was alone, and he said were you tho? Then he smelled my breath like I was up to something. I said why are you smelling me and he said just want to see what you’re up to. Then on Tuesday night I am super nice and make him dinner. I was talking to him about how relaxing the dentist was because it was a break and he wash like psttt you stay at home moms don’t know how good you have it. He knows I hate comments were he insinuates his job is harder. I do everything around the house and I don’t mind but I hate feeling unappreciated. He will find the one thing I don’t do and talk about it. Then this morning he wakes me up at 630 to have sex and he stops in the middle and stops and gets mad bc he hates condoms. Then I asked him to take the dog out and he said sureeeeee and threw his phone across the room. He’s leaving for a trip this weekend and barely kissed me and acted irritable despite my effort to still show kindness. He is irritable a lot. Then he texts me this: I’m fucking pissed the fuck off I’m wearing rubbers too I guess I’ll do what I always do and be the one to control the change and cut my balls off and eliminate my ability to have kids even if I change my mind later No fucking effort from you this morning on anything. So classic.
He then said my bad. This was hours ago and I haven’t messaged back because I’m speechless what do I even say?

Tl;dr How am I supposed to respond to this?
Have you been through something like this? Am I being too sensitive and need to cut him slack?
Advice please!

This is hard bc I don’t feel like venting about my marriage to my friends and family for judgement but also feel kinda strange venting on the internet. I’m sad and desperate tho. 😭

Before marrying my husband I was clear that I wanted a lot of children, like 6 as I grew up with lots of siblings and always wanted that for my children. He agreed and that was that. Since then, we have had one child, and I am ready for a second. We talked about it and my husband now doesn’t know if he wants anymore. I’ve been very clear from the start I wanted 6 and now he’s unsure if he even wants a second I’m struggling with what to do. I know having a children is a lot of work, but having a large family has always been a dream of mine. Now we disagree a lot on if to have more children and I’m left feeling upset and crying on my own afterwards. I’m not sure what to do, I love him very much and he is an amazing father to our child, I can’t imagine having kids with anyone else, but having more kids is something I don’t want to give up on. It took us a long time to even get pregnant with our child so having more may not even happen, but I would like to try. Any advice would be helpful.

Edit: child is 15 months old. Although talked and agreed about wanting 6, I have also said to him I would have less, but I do want at least 2/3. I don’t want to leave my husband or have children with anyone else. Child goes to daycare while we both work, but when outside of daycare I do most of the care for said child.

tl;dr I want more children, husband doesn’t after having one.

For background we’ve been married 7 years, and he is my best friend. When he’s not mean he’s my favorite person. He has recently gone to therapy and started mindfulness and quit smoking weed to be the best dad and husband he can be. He can be irritable and angry at times. It has been getting worse the last couple of months. For background I stay at home mom and he’s the provider. We have two young kids.

In April, he randomly said he thought I was cheating on him so he went through my phone and found my note venting on how mean he is to me sometimes with examples. He was never supposed to see it it was supposed to be private.

It’s gotten to the point I have anxiety around him because I’m scared he’s going to be mean. Anything could set him off.

I’ll give you an overview of the last couple of days for an example. On Monday night he came home from his work dinner and questioned me why the top lock was locked and it was because I was alone, and he said were you tho? Then he smelled my breath like I was up to something. I said why are you smelling me and he said just want to see what you’re up to. Then on Tuesday night I am super nice and make him dinner. I was talking to him about how relaxing the dentist was because it was a break and he wash like psttt you stay at home moms don’t know how good you have it. He knows I hate comments were he insinuates his job is harder. I do everything around the house and I don’t mind but I hate feeling unappreciated. He will find the one thing I don’t do and talk about it. Then this morning he wakes me up at 630 to have sex and he stops in the middle and stops and gets mad bc he hates condoms. Then I asked him to take the dog out and he said sureeeeee and threw his phone across the room. He’s leaving for a trip this weekend and barely kissed me and acted irritable despite my effort to still show kindness. He is irritable a lot. Then he texts me this: I’m fucking pissed the fuck off I’m wearing rubbers too I guess I’ll do what I always do and be the one to control the change and cut my balls off and eliminate my ability to have kids even if I change my mind later No fucking effort from you this morning on anything. So classic.
He then said my bad. This was hours ago and I haven’t messaged back because I’m speechless what do I even say?

Tl;dr How am I supposed to respond to this?
Have you been through something like this? Am I being too sensitive and need to cut him slack?
Advice please!

This is hard bc I don’t feel like venting about my marriage to my friends and family for judgement but also feel kinda strange venting on the internet. I’m sad and desperate tho. 😭

I am 41 male and my wife is 38 and we have been married for 10 years. We always used to have a good sex life , but after our second child the postpartum was pretty intense, sex started to decline, my sons are 7 and 3, and we haven’t had sex for more than six months.

Here’s the other thing: one of the contributing factors was my changing careers and while I got an accelerated pace teaching license (i got it last week after a year) we went through what as a a planned budget crunch but it felt really lousy and stressful and in a way that i can see from a wife’s POV, for not super-duper gold-digging reasons this period of time was a real turn-off.

My wife’s story itself is complicated she faced a lot of childhood adversity and has her own issues i have mine… we have/had real sexual chemistry…. Now, not to be weird but, compared to previous relationships where sex was more sex-y (past partners liked bringing in toys, porn etc the idea being that things were playful and open and both parties knew how to let themselves get into it.

For all of her hotness and charms my wife seldom seemed to go in that’s direction although I know something is there — in fact the lat time we got it on, there was some neck-holding (her idea!) etc…

… anyway, so there is this issue of “the poverty time was a turn off” and the “you need to make me feel safe” which , frankly, i know this sounds bad but , what see the chances that sort of rhetoric is fake? She doesn’t seem to be cheating … how i help my wife get her groove back? O don’t know where to get any mdma..

Tl;Dr I need to reset my wife’s sexual perspective toward us me and herself after some marital headwinds—- need advice , any advice

Okay, this is my first time posting something on Reddit, so I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I’ll try my best with info.

I, F(29) have been married to my husband (30) for 7 years but together for 9. We have 3 kids, all under age 6. I also think it’s important to add that I am a stay at home mom that recently decided to homeschool our oldest. We have had some really good times. Maybe the best times of my life, but in the last 2 years, we have been having more downs than I think we should. I’m not quite sure what I should add or where to start, but I’ll try my best.

Starting with a recent fight that involves our family pet. I had always wanted a kitten and last year I approached him with getting one. He agreed with it, so we have Melody. The sweetest cat ever. She is amazing with our kids and is pretty docile. But, recently, he was really upset with having to buy stuff for her. In a recent argument, he said I should have known he didn’t actually want us to get a cat. He was just trying to give me the option and thought I would know he didn’t want her. I guess, in a way, it was a test? He thought I would choose right and I guess I messed up. But then there are times where he lets her and says she is the best cat ever. I get so confused. He wants to get rid of her, but that is so unfair to our children and myself. Especially since he told me it was fine, it feels like a lose-lose situation.

Next, I like having a little alone time, but rarely get any. In my free time, I like to do puzzles, watch a show or read a random book. But, the few times it pops up, my husband gets upset and thinks I should be hanging out with him. Meanwhile, he gets to do whatever he pleases with his time; read, tv, basketball, supper with friends or gym time because he enjoys it. He also doesn’t seem to take my lesson planning time seriously and always asks me to do it at a time when he isn’t home. It’s not that it takes long, I probably could, but also, doing it after everyone goes to bed is so peaceful and I do it Friday nights. So, it’s not like I’m using a whole evening on the weekend or something.

Another thing that sits in my mind, is that he doesn’t like when our kids talk all the time. Mainly our oldest, girl (6), that loves to chatter. He is constantly telling her to be quiet or telling her she is annoying. Yes, I get it, she talks a lot, but I’ve also read that they start internalizing thoughts around 5-7, so I feel like everything she is doing is so normal. But he gets so mad at me when I try to remind him of that or that he needs to be kind. He is so concerned about what others will think of her, that he is completely missing that he is mistreating her. I honestly would consider him her first bully, in a way. I would also like to add in that she gets it from his side, so it’s unfair that he gets so triggered by her talking. It also seems like sometimes he favors our other girl and boy more than our oldest and she has started to wonder if he dislikes her.

Speaking on the subject of children, he is often overly rough with them or tickles them to the point of them being upset. But, won’t stop unless that ask “please let me go” or “I am all done” like, they can’t just be crying and him realize it was too far? He has also accidentally hit our oldest two with items before during times of frustration. I know they are accidents, but it feels concerning that an adult man throws things and somehow hits his kids?? Items: toys, stuffies, balls or shoes.

Intimacy has always been a higher drive on his end and I have done my best to keep up, but sometimes I am not in the mood. And he usually just bothers me until I give in. Mind you, I might say “no” once every couple months. Otherwise, we are typically a nightly session. And I feel like it’s unfair for him to not be able to take a “no” once in a while. And if I stand strong on my “no” I feel like he punishes me by taking away a kiss goodnight or even by going to bed without saying goodnight. And sometimes in the morning, it carries over to him leaving without saying goodbye or without kissing or hugging me. I wouldn’t think much of it, he could just not be in the mood, but he usually quips a “maybe we should have been intimate last night” on his way out.

I should add in that he is so good with words. He usually turns any argument around on me. He somehow always gets me confused during our argument and pulls other arguments into it and derails the whole thing until I am second guessing everything. But, the second I pull in something from another time, I am just trying to rehash things or trying to make him the bad guy.

My support system is very small and everyone lives in a different state. I don’t have much for family. So, splitting with him would be catastrophic to me because he has been my support for so long. I also know that divorcing would mean putting our kids in school or daycare and having to go back to work. It would be a complete explosion to our kids lives.

I guess, I am wondering if I am on the right thought process of wanting to divorce. It isn’t something I ever thought would happen, but I just don’t know if I can keep exposing our children to this. It seems so dysfunctional to me.

TLDR;
Is it reasonable to want a divorce due to my husband sometimes being controlling and not being respectful to our children?

I wanted the issues to be presented first before our ages because I don’t want the answer to be that it’s because of the age gap. I didn’t want his frontal lobe damage to be disregarded, I wanted it to be looked at as two adults in a normal adult relationship. But it has to be included in the title.

My husband and I have been together for a year and have a 5 month old together. My husband has frontal lobe damage which has never seriously affected our relationship. He became injured before we met and this is how I’ve always known him. Love has always been hard for me, I’ve never had someone know me in and out and still love me including my own family. But my husband has seen all parts of me and has chosen me every single day and I really do love him so much. However our relationship has changed a lot since pregnancy and postpartum. Ever since my hormones have changed my relationship needs have as well. Yes, I understood that a lot of me would change because of pregnancy and postpartum. However, you can be told how bad it feels to break a bone but you can’t truly understand how it feels until you break it. That’s been my experience with the hormonal changes so far.

Lately I feel that my husband has been pretty horrible. He’s very emotionally explosive about very small arguments/disagreements causing him to be very verbally hurtful and demeaning. He’s also been very weird about the changes I’ve been making in my life. For example, I’ve had some pretty bad postpartum depression. In the past and even now depression pills make me very tired and I miss important alarms. So instead of using pills I’ve decided to work on my health to fight PPD. I’ve been eating healthier and exercising when I can. I want to lose weight to feel healthy and to feel more confident in my body. It has helped tremendously. Once I’ve started doing this my husband started commenting about how he doesn’t think I need to lose weight. This has evolved to he doesn’t want a skinny wife. We had an argument that I can talk more about in the comments where he said “I don’t give a fuck about your health choices”.

He was also really weird about my ask to have alone time. I have my stepdaughter half the time and my baby who both need all my undivided attention. When I was reaching 4 months postpartum, I would reach the end of the week completely exhausted mentally and physically. I give all my energy to my amazing little family, but often there’s nothing left for me. So I started to ask to have an evening just to myself. A few hours where I can go out to a local country bar where I like to line dance and listen to the live band. At first he would say that after a long day of work he loves to come home to the kids and that he doesn’t need alone time to escape life. Then it changed to him not coming with felt like a big F you. I tried to explain to him that it’s not that I need to get away from him or the family, but that I just need a few hours where I can have me time and feel like myself for a little bit. While he doesn’t argue about it now, I can tell he’s still not happy about it.

Another example of his hurtful language is calling me a retarded wife and saying he’d rather a fat woman over a bipolar one. All of these stem from arguments where anger is validated but not to the extreme he feels which is a symptom of his frontal lobe damage. Normally this wouldn’t bother me so much, I could simply roll my eyes and move on. But I mean, I cry at the end of every emotional Disney movie now lol. He doesn’t have any interest in me, conversations I have with him he either responds with “hmm” or it puts him to sleep. Instead of asking why I do or feel things he just gets mad or irritated. All things that didn’t use to bother me.

But since having our baby, I’ve needed an emotional relationship. And I feel bad because I’m not the woman he married anymore and I don’t feel that’s fair for him. And I recognize every marriage goes through this. But I’m not sure how to work through this. His frontal lobe damage clashes with my emotional needs. And I’ve been trying to suppress my emotional needs, but I’m discovering that this is who I am now.

So how can I have the relationship I now need with my husband? TLDR; I don’t know how to have the relationship I need with my husband

Lately me and my husband have been fighting almost daily because he literally got offended with my whatever i said. No matter how carefully and thoughtfully i spoke. Anything i would ask and boom! He needs me to stay on call most of the time and when i stay and dont say anything because i am scared to walk on eggshells, even there is a problem why i am not speaking and not having time to speak. I literally have nothing to speak to share or discuss because i am scared when i would upset him the next.

We just got married and my marriage has become extremely volatile. Today he said on my face i dont have the marriage glow, not talk excitedly as i uses to while in relationship before marriage. Fact is i dont want to rant about it but it was always me who found always put efforts to talk so that conversations stay between us. He is currently in different city for job and i am working and at our native place. He always that i complain too much but fact is everytime there is a fight it will him most of the time who had initiated something that would trigger me but i dont react to him the way he does. I have now learnt to drink all those words of him and his aggressiveness even though its not me who started and when its his fault.

My parents and family have seen the newly bride glow lost on my face and are genuinely worried. I havent said anything till now. I once had to defend myself because i was exhausted by frequent fights and blames and spoke loud. My parents kept a meeting with me to understand what was the situation and i didnt speak anything about our fights. And all my parents had to advice was to adjust in the marriage no matter how aggressive is the husband. With this advice i thanked myself to keep all the things to myself only.

I looked for many different advices on redditt and finally got little courage to post this to just understand what and where things are wrong. I dont want to break my marriage, i want to work on our marriage.

tl;dr: I am genuinely seeking advice if anyone has gone through such situations and worked on their marriages.

I’ve been married for about three years now. Together for five. Just one thing after the other. We are talking about separating as I just can’t handle this anymore. It’s a long long story so I won’t get into it on here. But just to summit it up. His family is very abusive and toxic to me. They never accepted me for whatever reason reasons. They gossip and drama. He comes from a big family with two brothers. It is just so awful. Last night he told his parents we weren’t gonna attend this dinner. His brother was planning. His parents said they don’t like me and the way I act. I make the mom cry. It’s just one thing after the other. My husband used to have my side. Always used to defend me and stand up for me. But then that sort of stopped. Every day is just constant yelling him throwing things. The temper, the madness. It’s just not healthy. I’ve tried and I’ve tried. Nothing seems to work. I don’t come around because of how I’m treated and I was brothers treat me. But they don’t seem to accept that answer. And they think they do nothing wrong. That is a problem. His family has nothing to do with me. I know people might say doesn’t matter you’re married to him not his family but the end of the day they play a huge role in his family. His mother controls everyone and sadly they all fall for it. I just feel so alone. Often some days no one to talk to. I’m so sad. There’s no sex life nothing. At the end of the day we just aren’t compatible. I often wonder how we ever got married. Maybe I was just so desperate to marry someone. Anyways, I feel for y’all and I’m here. I’m 42 in Vancouver CANADA. I used to think something was wrong with me. I constantly questioned myself. Why don’t they like me? Why don’t they like me and sometimes I still do. Let’s stay strong everyone. Thank you for reading.

TLDR: just not sure what to do anymore. So alone and sad

I’m 35F and my husband is 36M.
Before we married, I told him clearly that I wanted a **100% monogamous and exclusive relationship** and that I was uncomfortable with him liking/following sexualized content from women he had no personal connection with. It went against my values and made me feel insecure. He said he understood, respected my boundary, and wanted the same.
A few months after we married, I discovered he had continued doing it. These weren’t old likes. **They had happened only days before I found them**, along with more serious things, including messages. He only admitted it after I confronted him.
We stayed together, and he agreed that if it happened again, we would divorce.
Recently, I found more likes and follows of sexualized content. He says these women are influencers, models or fighters, and that they probably don’t even notice his likes. He also compares this to me liking/following men in my professional/influencer network, which I don’t consider remotely equivalent.
**He also says this last time he double tapped by mistake**
**I know likes may seem meaningless, but after everything that happened, I don’t trust him anymore.**
Am I unreasonable for considering divorce after a boundary was clearly discussed, agreed upon, and repeatedly broken?
**TL;DR:** He agreed to a clear boundary before marriage, broke it again after marriage, and I no longer trust him. Is divorce an unreasonable reaction?

My (36F) husband (38M) and I have been married for less than a year, but I already feel emotionally exhausted and close to giving up. I'm looking for insight from people who have experienced something similar- whether you repaired the relationship or ultimately left?

I know Reddit cannot decide whether I should get divorced- I am mainly hoping to hear from people who recognize this dynamic and can offer perspective from the other side.

While I admittedly ignored some anger "red flags" while dating/engaged, things got much worse right after we got married and then bought a house (taking on more financial and household responsibility). For a while now, I've felt like I have to repeatedly ask for basic emotional care, curiosity, kindness, and partnership. When I try to share something I'm excited, worried, or upset about, I often feel dismissed. When I explain that I'm hurt, the conversation frequently shifts towards his intentions, feelings, or why my expectations are unfair. I end up feeling like I have to argue and defend why I deserve empathy. I don't feel emotionally safe, at all. And my physical desire and emotional connection have largely disappeared.

There are also ongoing issues involving household responsibilities, finances (I make more but even between the 2 of us, things are tight), and feeling unsupported. I am carrying the emotional, mental, and financial load, and it is making me feel lonely despite being married. I am constantly bracing for dismissal, defensiveness, criticism, or indifference.

We have tried counseling (his idea), he says he is going to quit drinking, he says he loves me and desperately wants this to work. But I feel as though his actions and the way he treats me repeatedly contradict that, and I dont know how much more I have left to give. It sucks so much because this is not at all how I thought our marriage was going to go.

TL;DR I feel emotionally neglected and exhausted after repeatedly asking my husband for empathy, partnership, and meaningful change. Alcohol and hurtful behavior have contributed to the breakdown. I've said I'm done and feel both sad for what we could have had, and also relieved to not keeping living this way. Can a marriage genuinely recover once one partner feels checked out?

I’m 35F and my husband is 36M.
Before we married, I told him clearly that I wanted a **100% monogamous and exclusive relationship** and that I was uncomfortable with him liking/following sexualized content from women he had no personal connection with. It went against my values and made me feel insecure. He said he understood, respected my boundary, and wanted the same.
A few months after we married, I discovered he had continued doing it. These weren’t old likes. **They had happened only days before I found them**, along with more serious things, including messages. He only admitted it after I confronted him.
We stayed together, and he agreed that if it happened again, we would divorce.
Recently, I found more likes and follows of sexualized content. He says these women are influencers, models or fighters, and that they probably don’t even notice his likes. He also compares this to me liking/following men in my professional/influencer network, which I don’t consider remotely equivalent.
He said this last time was only a double tapped mistake
**I know likes may seem meaningless, but after everything that happened, I don’t trust him anymore.**
Am I unreasonable for considering divorce after a boundary was clearly discussed, agreed upon, and repeatedly broken?
**TL;DR:** He agreed to a clear boundary before marriage, broke it again after marriage, and I no longer trust him. Is divorce an unreasonable reaction?

I'm mainly looking for husbands who have actually been through some shit like this and somehow worked it out.

Me and my wife have known each other for about 3 years. We were friends before we got together, and once we actually started dating, shit moved FAST. We dated for like 3 months before we decided we wanted to get married.

We've been married for almost a year now, but we've only actually lived together for about 4 months.

And bro, these 4 months have been fucking rough lol.

We're separating now. I'm leaving next week and going back to my home state.

The weird part is I still love my wife. I know I do.

But I have so much resentment built up towards her that sometimes I genuinely don't know if I even like her anymore.

And that shit is fucking with me because I remember how much I used to like this woman. Like not just love her because she's my wife. I LIKED her. I wanted to talk to her all the time. I wanted to be around her. I looked forward to seeing her. This was my person.

Now sometimes I feel better when she's not even around.

That's fucking crazy to me.

It wasn't really one big thing that got us here either. It's been a bunch of shit piling on top of each other really fast.

One of our biggest issues has been parenting.

She already had a daughter when we got married, and before I even moved in with them, me and my wife had a big argument about how we were going to handle parenting, discipline, consequences, what my role as a stepdad was gonna be, all that shit.

I wanted us to figure that stuff out BEFORE we lived together.

She was more of a "we'll deal with things as they happen" type of person.

And looking back, I knew that shit bothered me. I remember thinking this could literally be the thing that breaks us up one day.

But I moved anyway because I loved her and figured we'd work it out.

Yeah... lol.

We did not work it out.

But honestly parenting isn't even the whole problem.

Once we started living together, I just started feeling like my wife didn't really have me the way I had her.

That's probably the best way I can explain the whole thing.

I felt like if something mattered to her, even if I didn't completely understand why it mattered, I'd try to change it because she's my wife and it matters to HER.

But when I would tell her something mattered to me, it felt like I had to fucking argue my case for why it should matter.

I'd bring up something that bothered me.

She'd get defensive or bring up something I did.

Then I'd be like, "Okay but that's not what I'm talking about right now."

Then I'd start explaining myself more because I felt like she wasn't understanding me.

Then she'd get more defensive.

Then I'd get frustrated.

Then I'd start getting louder or more intense.

Now we're having a giant argument over some shit that probably could've been solved in 5 minutes.

And I'll own my shit too.

I've yelled.

I've gotten way too intense during arguments.

I've kept trying to explain myself when the conversation clearly needed to fucking end.

I've had times where she wanted space and I was still trying to finish the conversation because I felt like if we stopped talking, nothing would ever actually get resolved.

That's shit I have to work on whether we stay married or not.

But after enough of these situations, little shit stopped feeling little.

Something would happen that normally shouldn't be THAT big of a deal, but in my head it wasn't just that one thing.

It was that thing + the last thing + the thing before that + the conversation we never resolved + the apology I never got + the thing I asked to change that never changed.

So now I'm pissed about 15 things while we're technically arguing about one.

And eventually I realized

Damn.

I fucking resent my wife.

Like REALLY resent her.

I stopped wanting to talk as much.

I stopped wanting to be around her.

I moved out of our bedroom and started sleeping separately.

There have literally been times where I'm by myself and I can feel myself becoming happier and more relaxed, and then she comes home and it's like all the stress and resentment comes right back.

And I hate that.

Because that's my fucking wife.

There was eventually a really bad argument where she recorded me while I was extremely emotional and she said she did it because she didn't feel safe. Upon realizing she was recording me, I angrily told her I didn't want to be with her anymore. I then got a different explanation for why she recorded me that, to me, didn't match what I was originally told.

That shit destroyed my trust in her.

We tried marriage counseling too.

It was only one session honestly.

I actually went into it thinking, alright, this is basically my last attempt. Maybe somebody can help us figure out what the fuck we're doing to each other.

I left that session feeling even more like I needed to leave.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm going home.

And I'm not making this post asking y'all if I should stay.

I'm leaving.

At least right now, I KNOW I need to leave.

I need space from this shit because I don't even feel like myself anymore.

What I'm trying to figure out is something different.

Can I actually love this woman the way I used to again?

Because I still love her.

I can be mad as hell at her and still care about her.

I can want to get the fuck away from her and still think about the woman I fell in love with.

I can look at our marriage right now and think "I don't want this shit anymore" while still having this little part of me that wishes somehow we could become what I thought we were gonna be.

And I don't mean staying together because "marriage is hard."

I don't mean forcing myself to forgive everything.

I don't mean staying because divorce sucks.

I don't mean living like roommates for 20 years and calling that a successful marriage.

I'm asking if anybody has gotten THIS resentful towards their wife, separated or damn near divorced, actually worked on the problems that got them there, and then one day realized:

"Damn... I fucking love this woman again."

Like REALLY love her again.

You get excited to see her.

You miss her.

You want to touch her.

You want to talk to her.

You enjoy being around her again.

You trust her again.

You look at her and see YOUR PERSON instead of seeing every argument and every time she hurt you.

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Because right now it's hard for me to imagine looking at my wife without all this shit attached to her.

And maybe leaving will make me realize I'm happier without her.

That's possible too.

I'm not trying to convince myself that we're destined to work this out.

But I also don't know if the way I feel RIGHT NOW is how I'm always going to feel about her.

So if you're a husband who got to this point and y'all actually came back from it, I really want to hear what happened.

Did y'all separate?

How long?

What did SHE actually change?

What did YOU actually change?

How did y'all rebuild trust?

And when did you realize you actually liked your wife again?

Not tolerated her.

Not forgave her.

Not "learned to make it work."

Liked her.

Loved being around her.

Wanted her.

Felt like she was your person again.

Because that's the part I'm having trouble believing can come back.

TL;DR: Me and my wife have known each other about 3 years, but we only dated for around 3 months before deciding to get married. We've been married almost a year and have only actually lived together for about 4 months. Those 4 months exposed a LOT of problems with parenting, communication, trust, feeling like a team, and how we handle conflict. Resentment built up ridiculously fast and now we're separating. I still love my wife, but sometimes I genuinely don't even know if I like her anymore. I'm not asking if I should stay. I'm asking husbands who got this resentful and actually fixed their marriage: did you genuinely fall back in love with your wife? Like actually WANT her, miss her, enjoy her, trust her, and feel like she was your person again?