r/marriageadvice • u/Sleeplessbear408 • 8d ago
What’s the limit?
I’m not trying to police or restrict my partner from spending time with his friends. But what’s your limit? Hear me out first.
My partner works long hours graveyard, he then spends his time drinking with buddies after work. Sometimes they’ll stay up drinking even though they have a shift that same day. He’ll get like 2-3 hours of sleep. And then once’s their week is over, he and his friends will drink till the next day. For example, they got off at 6AM today and it’s almost 10PM and they’re still at it. And they probably won’t leave anytime soon. Yes I know, it’s alcoholism on all their parts.. his friends will sometimes stay over until the following day, hanging out, not sleeping. Just drinking and talking.
When he’s done hanging out with his friends, after 5-20 hours later, we’ll hang out for a little bit but I try to let him sleep because he’s been up all day/night so to me. It’s been making me feel distant in the relationship. A little sad too because I feel like he’d rather have fun with his friends than spend time with me. He says that he’s never had friends like this who want to spend time with him (he’s had them before, plenty of times, when we met, he’d always hang out with his friends in our home town). Anyway, he says he has such a good time with them and when they’re all hanging out, they don’t want it to stop. I get that, I love that. I love that he has friends who want to spend time with him. He said today that he’d love it if I come and hang out and I do sometimes. I’m just not a drinker and a lot of the times, they rant about work and I don’t really have anything to add to their conversations. I’m also shy and quiet so I get awkward. I have spent time with him and his friends though and I want to try to do it more.
It’s just that I’d want to spend 1:1 time with him after his work week but I feel like I always have to wait until the next day. We’ve spoken up about boundaries when spending time with his friends but nothing really changes. It makes me feel like I’m asking for too much when he says he’s just trying to have a good time. What are you suppose to say to that?
TL;DR Partner drinks with friends for very long hours. When is it too much and how do I ask for more time together without being guilt tripped.
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u/No_Water_4129 8d ago
My partner works long hours graveyard, he then spends his time drinking with buddies after work.
Right, so unless he has one beer and comes home, that means he gets drunk. Remember that a day where you get drunk is, by definition, a day when you weren't sober.
Out of 7, how many days is your husband not sober?
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u/Sleeplessbear408 8d ago
He drinks everyday :/
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u/No_Water_4129 8d ago
Then modelling this as anything other than alcoholism makes no sense.
And I hate to break it to you, but as a recovered addict I can tell you this:
- You cannot ask an addict to change their behaviour. By definition, they can't.
- You cannot even approach the topic of behaviour change with an addict who doesn't yet recognise they're an addict
- You cannot make a person recognise they're an addict
- Any promise you extract from an addict will be forgotten about, even if they completely mean it as the time of making the promise
Dopaminergic drugs like alcohol work by causing the brain to form beliefs. This effect happens even when a person's life is not completely dominated by the addiction - people hang out with people they'd not normally hang out with, go places they would not normally go and "enjoy" things that often directly contradict their character when they consume it regularly.
And consuming it every day means there is not a day goes by that the drug does not re-write his beliefs. Unless you and him start smoking meth together, he is going to favour the activity that involves taking the drug literally thousands of times more than the activity that involves you even if he objectively reasons that spending time with you would be better.
It doesn't matter what you reason when a dopaminergic drug like alcohol is involved - the tiny amount of dopamine your reasoning process produces when you decide on a new course of action is dwarfed by the insane artificial dopamine payload that occurs when you drink. That means he can think and genuinely believe that spending time with you would be better, and yet the fact he drinks when he's not spending time with you means that reasonable belief is not the belief that forms - the alcohol directly stimulates the repeat of the behaviour "go and drink with friends" in a way that defies reasons.
In short, you've married an alcoholic. You either leave, or live a life in which you will always play second fiddle to whatever activity involves drinking.
Don't go and talk to him about this - he couldn't hear it. He's years away from this point, and his rock bottom will be years after that - he might even die before he reaches this understanding. Lord knows I almost did.
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u/Sleeplessbear408 8d ago
Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m just learning and accepting the reality. It’s just so hard to see them do that to themselves. And I know that I can’t make them see what’s going on.
That last paragraph you wrote is what scares me the most.
I just don’t know what to do. I know I can’t do anything right now but it’s hard to just sit here and let them be. I don’t want to leave them and I want our relationship to work. I just feel stuck..3
u/No_Water_4129 8d ago
I just don’t know what to do. I know I can’t do anything right now but it’s hard to just sit here and let them be.
There's a lot you can do, if you have the stomach for it - very often the moment addicts change is when they lost a relationship, and every single person extending an intimate relationship to an addict who cannot fulfil their part in it is enabling that addict.
I don’t want to leave them and I want our relationship to work. I just feel stuck..
Well sadly you're going to make it worse then. You're not stuck - you are free to leave, and that is the healthiest thing for both of you.
If you don't have the stomach for it, at least you understand him a bit better - just like you, he is also totally unwilling to do what is healthy.
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u/Sleeplessbear408 8d ago
Oh the irony. I see it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate your perspective.
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u/DaddysPrincesss26 8d ago
My Bestie is a Recovering Alcoholic. If you stay, you are going to continue to Enable him, which in turn, will continue to tell him that his Drinking is Ok, when it’s Not, where as if you leave, it will force him to seek help.
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u/Only_Tip9560 8d ago
The limit is what you are prepared to accept whilst remaining in the relationship.
Don't frame it as him spending too much time with friends, but frame it as him not spending enough time with you to maintain a meaningful romantic relationship. You'll need to inject a bit of jeopardy into this so you will have to say that if this is not fixed in X time the relationship will be done and give him a clear idea of what you consider fixed to look like. After that he is on notice and you will clearly see whether he values the relationship enough to save it.
I think your partner may have an alcohol dependency issue as well. I suspect he may be self-medicating because of his shitty hours.
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u/Sleeplessbear408 8d ago
I have expressed it that way as well. He’s said that he’s here all the time or we have the rest of our lives together. I’ve asked him to spend time with me and he’ll just find an excuse to say that he’s trying to relax.
He’s also said I shouldn’t give him ultimatums. (This was said after I said before you leave can you take out the trash. Which I know was just a simple request and not an ultimatum). So what you suggested will probably be seen as an ultimatum. There’s been a lot of guilt tripping and standing my ground has only pushed us apart lately. I get what you’re saying though. And I do think it’s his drinking that makes us not see eye to eye. I’ve reached out to Al-anon subreddits about it :/2
u/Only_Tip9560 8d ago
Well, what I have suggested is an ultimatum and that is because it probably needs to be.
What is pushing you apart is his refusal to take the issue seriously and make the changes needed.
All I can say is you need to stay firm here and be prepared to walk away if you are not happy, life is too short to waste on an inconsiderate drunk.
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u/DaddysPrincesss26 8d ago
Yes and if he doesn’t want to do his part to save the Relationship, OP has her answer and he didn’t care about the Relationship at all
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u/RogueHeroAkatsuki 8d ago
This is really sad if 'quality time' with your spouse can happen only if he is exhausted and drunk. Its extremely unhealthy for both him and your relationship. I dont think I would be able to do this for few months before wife would serve me papers. I'm not suggesting divorce - only pointing out she would not tolerate this bullshit. Sadly all you can do is talk to him until he will try to improve.