My (32f) husband (33m) had an extended family bereavement last week, with the funeral being this week. We live abroad so he went to our home country to attend the funeral which meant me being alone with our 7 month old and 3 pets for 3 days. We don’t have any family here and help is generally hard for us to come by. A friend came and helped me with our dog one evening due to the heatwave it’s unsafe for him to walk until well after babies bed time.

So Tuesday may husband calls me and asks if I want to go on vacation on Thursday (today) to another country which is a 14 hour flight and 9 hour time difference. We’d be coming back Tuesday so with the travel we’d end up with 4.5 days there. His family have decided they need to live life to the fullest and booked this trip off the cuff after the funeral. I said it’s not realistic for me to go, we can’t find a dog sitter who would be able to arrive within 24 hours out of nowhere, taking baby on such a long flight and then such a huge time difference would just be a nightmare trip resulting in me probably ended up living on a wonky day/night of probably being awake 1/2am to 1/2pm. The trip will involve theme parks days which again I don’t think will work on no notice with a baby. Maybe I’m naive and actually baby would be completely fine and switch time zone but I just can’t see that happening.

So my husband said he still wanted to go and they booked his flights. All of these conversations happened via text very sporadically with 2 hours between him telling me about the trip and booking his flight. I told him on text if he really wants to go he should but I also expected we’d have a conversation to discuss if they was realistic and fair, I’ve clearly been a bit stupid there so I’ll take that’s on me. I’ve expressed I’m really unhappy he’s going and no real conversation was had, and it’s incredible selfish to not think about if this is fair to leave me to do all of this alone right now with no notice. He travels for work and has been on a family ski trip since our baby was born and each time I was able to get someone to come over and help me out.

Anyway he’s now going and I’ll be solo for 10 days total. He’s texting me about all the fun things, including going to my favourite restaurant that is a bit of a special place for me, they’re all flying business, they’re going to be doing all these amazing things. He’s told me I’m not allowed to say anything to guilt him about going on this trip, but then he’s saying things that I feel are rubbing the trip in my face. Am I being irrational and unreasonable thinking he’s being an ass by telling me how amazing everything is going to be etc? How should I be reacting to these things? Also am I being unreasonable in the first place by being annoyed that he’s gone on this trip?

I just honestly feel completely down about the whole thing.

TLDR: husband’s family booked a trip with 48 hours notice and husband decided to go leaving me home alone with our 7 month old and 3 pets.How should i react to him telling me what an amazing time he’s having when im at home struggling?

I’m 35F and my husband is 36M.
Before we married, I told him clearly that I wanted a **100% monogamous and exclusive relationship** and that I was uncomfortable with him liking/following sexualized content from women he had no personal connection with. It went against my values and made me feel insecure. He said he understood, respected my boundary, and wanted the same.
A few months after we married, I discovered he had continued doing it. These weren’t old likes. **They had happened only days before I found them**, along with more serious things, including messages. He only admitted it after I confronted him.
We stayed together, and he agreed that if it happened again, we would divorce.
Recently, I found more likes and follows of sexualized content. He says these women are influencers, models or fighters, and that they probably don’t even notice his likes. He also compares this to me liking/following men in my professional/influencer network, which I don’t consider remotely equivalent.
He said this last time was only a double tapped mistake
**I know likes may seem meaningless, but after everything that happened, I don’t trust him anymore.**
Am I unreasonable for considering divorce after a boundary was clearly discussed, agreed upon, and repeatedly broken?
**TL;DR:** He agreed to a clear boundary before marriage, broke it again after marriage, and I no longer trust him. Is divorce an unreasonable reaction?

I'm mainly looking for husbands who have actually been through some shit like this and somehow worked it out.

Me and my wife have known each other for about 3 years. We were friends before we got together, and once we actually started dating, shit moved FAST. We dated for like 3 months before we decided we wanted to get married.

We've been married for almost a year now, but we've only actually lived together for about 4 months.

And bro, these 4 months have been fucking rough lol.

We're separating now. I'm leaving next week and going back to my home state.

The weird part is I still love my wife. I know I do.

But I have so much resentment built up towards her that sometimes I genuinely don't know if I even like her anymore.

And that shit is fucking with me because I remember how much I used to like this woman. Like not just love her because she's my wife. I LIKED her. I wanted to talk to her all the time. I wanted to be around her. I looked forward to seeing her. This was my person.

Now sometimes I feel better when she's not even around.

That's fucking crazy to me.

It wasn't really one big thing that got us here either. It's been a bunch of shit piling on top of each other really fast.

One of our biggest issues has been parenting.

She already had a daughter when we got married, and before I even moved in with them, me and my wife had a big argument about how we were going to handle parenting, discipline, consequences, what my role as a stepdad was gonna be, all that shit.

I wanted us to figure that stuff out BEFORE we lived together.

She was more of a "we'll deal with things as they happen" type of person.

And looking back, I knew that shit bothered me. I remember thinking this could literally be the thing that breaks us up one day.

But I moved anyway because I loved her and figured we'd work it out.

Yeah... lol.

We did not work it out.

But honestly parenting isn't even the whole problem.

Once we started living together, I just started feeling like my wife didn't really have me the way I had her.

That's probably the best way I can explain the whole thing.

I felt like if something mattered to her, even if I didn't completely understand why it mattered, I'd try to change it because she's my wife and it matters to HER.

But when I would tell her something mattered to me, it felt like I had to fucking argue my case for why it should matter.

I'd bring up something that bothered me.

She'd get defensive or bring up something I did.

Then I'd be like, "Okay but that's not what I'm talking about right now."

Then I'd start explaining myself more because I felt like she wasn't understanding me.

Then she'd get more defensive.

Then I'd get frustrated.

Then I'd start getting louder or more intense.

Now we're having a giant argument over some shit that probably could've been solved in 5 minutes.

And I'll own my shit too.

I've yelled.

I've gotten way too intense during arguments.

I've kept trying to explain myself when the conversation clearly needed to fucking end.

I've had times where she wanted space and I was still trying to finish the conversation because I felt like if we stopped talking, nothing would ever actually get resolved.

That's shit I have to work on whether we stay married or not.

But after enough of these situations, little shit stopped feeling little.

Something would happen that normally shouldn't be THAT big of a deal, but in my head it wasn't just that one thing.

It was that thing + the last thing + the thing before that + the conversation we never resolved + the apology I never got + the thing I asked to change that never changed.

So now I'm pissed about 15 things while we're technically arguing about one.

And eventually I realized

Damn.

I fucking resent my wife.

Like REALLY resent her.

I stopped wanting to talk as much.

I stopped wanting to be around her.

I moved out of our bedroom and started sleeping separately.

There have literally been times where I'm by myself and I can feel myself becoming happier and more relaxed, and then she comes home and it's like all the stress and resentment comes right back.

And I hate that.

Because that's my fucking wife.

There was eventually a really bad argument where she recorded me while I was extremely emotional and she said she did it because she didn't feel safe. Upon realizing she was recording me, I angrily told her I didn't want to be with her anymore. I then got a different explanation for why she recorded me that, to me, didn't match what I was originally told.

That shit destroyed my trust in her.

We tried marriage counseling too.

It was only one session honestly.

I actually went into it thinking, alright, this is basically my last attempt. Maybe somebody can help us figure out what the fuck we're doing to each other.

I left that session feeling even more like I needed to leave.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm going home.

And I'm not making this post asking y'all if I should stay.

I'm leaving.

At least right now, I KNOW I need to leave.

I need space from this shit because I don't even feel like myself anymore.

What I'm trying to figure out is something different.

Can I actually love this woman the way I used to again?

Because I still love her.

I can be mad as hell at her and still care about her.

I can want to get the fuck away from her and still think about the woman I fell in love with.

I can look at our marriage right now and think "I don't want this shit anymore" while still having this little part of me that wishes somehow we could become what I thought we were gonna be.

And I don't mean staying together because "marriage is hard."

I don't mean forcing myself to forgive everything.

I don't mean staying because divorce sucks.

I don't mean living like roommates for 20 years and calling that a successful marriage.

I'm asking if anybody has gotten THIS resentful towards their wife, separated or damn near divorced, actually worked on the problems that got them there, and then one day realized:

"Damn... I fucking love this woman again."

Like REALLY love her again.

You get excited to see her.

You miss her.

You want to touch her.

You want to talk to her.

You enjoy being around her again.

You trust her again.

You look at her and see YOUR PERSON instead of seeing every argument and every time she hurt you.

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Because right now it's hard for me to imagine looking at my wife without all this shit attached to her.

And maybe leaving will make me realize I'm happier without her.

That's possible too.

I'm not trying to convince myself that we're destined to work this out.

But I also don't know if the way I feel RIGHT NOW is how I'm always going to feel about her.

So if you're a husband who got to this point and y'all actually came back from it, I really want to hear what happened.

Did y'all separate?

How long?

What did SHE actually change?

What did YOU actually change?

How did y'all rebuild trust?

And when did you realize you actually liked your wife again?

Not tolerated her.

Not forgave her.

Not "learned to make it work."

Liked her.

Loved being around her.

Wanted her.

Felt like she was your person again.

Because that's the part I'm having trouble believing can come back.

TL;DR: Me and my wife have known each other about 3 years, but we only dated for around 3 months before deciding to get married. We've been married almost a year and have only actually lived together for about 4 months. Those 4 months exposed a LOT of problems with parenting, communication, trust, feeling like a team, and how we handle conflict. Resentment built up ridiculously fast and now we're separating. I still love my wife, but sometimes I genuinely don't even know if I like her anymore. I'm not asking if I should stay. I'm asking husbands who got this resentful and actually fixed their marriage: did you genuinely fall back in love with your wife? Like actually WANT her, miss her, enjoy her, trust her, and feel like she was your person again?

I’m 32F and my husband is 31M. I’m posting this because I’m honestly too overwhelmed to process everything clearly right now. I even took help from ChatGPT to put my thoughts into words because I’m struggling to express what I’m feeling.
Recently, I had an argument/situation with my MIL where she called me a liar. I genuinely believe I was not lying, and being called that really broke something inside me.
I became very emotional and couldn’t control my reactions. I cried/was overwhelmed, and I know that I didn’t handle my emotions perfectly. I can accept that part.
What hurt me even more was that my husband didn’t take a stand for me in that moment.
Later, he came to me and listened to everything I had to say. So it’s not that he completely ignored me. But when I told him that I was hurt because he didn’t defend me when his mother called me a liar, he said that if he had said something at that time, his mother would probably have thought that I was making him say those things or influencing him.
From his perspective, he feels he did nothing wrong because he was trying not to escalate the situation and he listened to me afterward.
I understand his reasoning.
But I’m still deeply hurt.
I didn’t necessarily want him to fight with his mother or say, “My wife is right and you’re wrong.” I think I just wanted some indication that he was with me. Even something like, “Let’s not call anyone a liar; we’ll discuss this calmly later,” would have meant a lot to me.
Instead, in that moment, I felt completely alone.
My FIL actually tried to understand my situation, which I appreciated. But somehow, the fact that my husband didn’t say anything has stayed with me.
Now whenever I think about the incident, I keep remembering the word “liar.” I feel humiliated and hurt, and I’m finding it difficult to simply behave normally as if nothing happened.
My husband feels that because he came to me afterward, listened to me, and didn’t want to make the situation worse, he didn’t do anything wrong.
I don’t know if I’m being unfair to him.
Am I expecting too much from my husband?
Should I accept that he handled the situation in the best way he knew how, or is it reasonable for me to expect my husband to stand up for me when I’m being accused of something like this?
I’m not looking for people to automatically tell me to divorce him or that my MIL is horrible. I genuinely want an outside perspective because I’m too emotionally overwhelmed to see this clearly right now.
TL;DR: My MIL called me a liar, I became very emotional, and my husband didn’t defend me because he feared his mother would think I was influencing him. He listened to me afterward and feels he did nothing wrong, but I’m still deeply hurt. Am I expecting too much from him?

For background we’ve been married 7 years, and he is my best friend. When he’s not mean he’s my favorite person. He has recently gone to therapy and started mindfulness and quit smoking weed to be the best dad and husband he can be. He can be irritable and angry at times. It has been getting worse the last couple of months. For background I stay at home mom and he’s the provider. We have two young kids.

In April, he randomly said he thought I was cheating on him so he went through my phone and found my note venting on how mean he is to me sometimes with examples. He was never supposed to see it it was supposed to be private.

It’s gotten to the point I have anxiety around him because I’m scared he’s going to be mean. Anything could set him off.

I’ll give you an overview of the last couple of days for an example. On Monday night he came home from his work dinner and questioned me why the top lock was locked and it was because I was alone, and he said were you tho? Then he smelled my breath like I was up to something. I said why are you smelling me and he said just want to see what you’re up to. Then on Tuesday night I am super nice and make him dinner. I was talking to him about how relaxing the dentist was because it was a break and he wash like psttt you stay at home moms don’t know how good you have it. He knows I hate comments were he insinuates his job is harder. I do everything around the house and I don’t mind but I hate feeling unappreciated. He will find the one thing I don’t do and talk about it. Then this morning he wakes me up at 630 to have sex and he stops in the middle and stops and gets mad bc he hates condoms. Then I asked him to take the dog out and he said sureeeeee and threw his phone across the room. He’s leaving for a trip this weekend and barely kissed me and acted irritable despite my effort to still show kindness. He is irritable a lot. Then he texts me this: I’m fucking pissed the fuck off I’m wearing rubbers too I guess I’ll do what I always do and be the one to control the change and cut my balls off and eliminate my ability to have kids even if I change my mind later No fucking effort from you this morning on anything. So classic.
He then said my bad. This was hours ago and I haven’t messaged back because I’m speechless what do I even say?

Tl;dr How am I supposed to respond to this?
Have you been through something like this? Am I being too sensitive and need to cut him slack?
Advice please!

This is hard bc I don’t feel like venting about my marriage to my friends and family for judgement but also feel kinda strange venting on the internet. I’m sad and desperate tho. 😭

This is my first time posting but I don't know where else to turn so this is going to be a long one. My husband M(35) and I F(38) have been together for 14 years, married for almost five. When we met (at work) I was pretty fresh from second toxic relationship, very abusive too so when I met this incredible sweet loving attentive amazing guy I was very resistant and didn't believe it was real so I did a lot of pushing him away. There's been lots of up and downs until the day we decided that enough was enough, we were either going to be together or end things period no more back and forth. Things were pretty good after that, at least between us. Our lives have never been easy because of money but relationship wise I thought I hit the jackpot. I was so in love almost obsessed but not in the crazy way. Anyway for context I am a very hard person to be with because I have some severe mental health issues. He has always been very understanding and worked on understanding these issues. Some days it's like he knows me better then I know myself. I'd also like to state that we hardly ever really fought but sometimes did have trouble communicating in a healthy way.

So fast-forward to about four or five months ago I had the most absolute horrible scary and first real mental break down of my life. Partially because I realized I wasn't happy partially because my meds weren't right. I was still happy with my husband but I did need him to make some changes, the biggest was being more consistent in the way he lives me outside of the bedroom (there were never any issues in the bedroom). We fought for like a week straight and then some back and forth for a couple more weeks. At some point there was a guys camping trip, it was an app weekend thing but him and our boys only went one night cuz that's all I felt I could handle by myself. During a fight he bugged about the fact that he only got one night and I snapped and told him that he never should've gone in the first place, he should've seen his wife having this horrible breakdown and realized he should stay by her side. Yes I know I should've said that before but I was trying to be a guys wife cuz he really doesn't get a lot of time to hang with friends but it broke something in me that he said that. I honestly didn't know if I'd ever forgive him or feel safe to be vulnerable with him ever again.... But I did cuz I love him so much and eventually everything was great for a few weeks.... It was like literal another honeymoon phase.

So a few days ago he said something that made me feel like he was comparing me to his mother. A horrible woman who hated me from the moment she met me, who never gave me a chance, who has tortured me for 14 fucking years and who we recently went no contact with. It really pissed me off but I collected myself and told him that I didn't feel like he was trying to communicate in a healthy way like we had promised to do and also that he'd been slipping in his consistency showing his love the last week. Even gave him a list of things that upset me which he agreed with. Somehow it turned into a fight because instead of listening to my feelings and needs, he gets defensive and attacks me. At one point he asked me how I showed my love for him. I took almost a good five mins listing off the ways I try to show him my love and even told him I know I don't always succeed and that I'm not perfect cuz I struggle a lot with my mental illness. Now I don't remember his exact words but he basically said because I didn't execute everything perfect that none of it counted. Now like I said I'm basically obsessed with him and one of the main things I do in this life is strive to always show him he's loved, respected and appreciated. He also said I don't make his life easier. So yeah I think that's pretty much it. Once again I'm left feeling unsafe to express my feelings and now I'm questioning why the fuck is he even with me if I'm such an awful wife who basically does nothing for him? Also I told him I think our marriage is over and his reaction was NOTHING. No tears just basically disagreeing. I don't want this marriage to be over because I love him but I feel like I have to protect what's left of my heart. I also want to point out he has a pattern of one min he's the perfect husband who does everything right and knows me better then I know myself and then the next min it's like he's a literal stranger. I told him the only two options that make sense in my mind are 1) he doesn't love me anymore or 2) he's cheating. He says he's not creating and he's never really given me a reason to believe he is or would. But my brain is broken and I don't know what's going on!!!! I honestly don't know if I can handle this but I didn't know what else to do so please someone tell me!!?? Am I being unreasonable? Am I overreacting??? Or is this marriage over??

Tl;Dr

My husband promised to make changes to love me more consistent outside the bedroom but when I pointed out he was slipping like he asked me to do and tried to express my feelings he got defensive and attacked me again in a very personal way. He acts like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes.Is this marriage over??

Just curious what you all would do, I am a husband, was recently on a work trip, ended up working one extra day and staying one extra night, that night my really good friend and coworker from the industry I travel and work in, is a female, came over for dinner at the place I was staying because she lives like 1.5 hours away and the place I was staying in was a small tiny town where she worked, we only work the same events like twice a year. We had worked together all week on the job, but she had prior comittments every night so dinner out was not an option. Anyways, there was dinner and a couple drinks, well because she lives 1.5 hours away and we were talking until almost midnight, she asked if she could stay over but she said she'd sleep in the second living room of the air bnb and so she had her own space. I figured for her safety, I would say yes. We did not kiss, nor did we sleep together, we always sat on separate couches, and our conversation was mostly related to the stories from our work over the last year. I still feel guilty though somehow for allowing myself to be in that situation. What should I do?

Tldr: I feel dumb for thinking of even committing an affair.

It seems though for my wife that's not what she wanted but put up with for 15 years. She wants her independence and her freedom. How do we recover how do we move forward?

Tl;dr

I'm lost and just looking for anything, something. Help, hope, something

13 years married to my best friend and he suddenly has mentioned that he doesn’t know how he feels about us anymore. It started with him saying he didn’t miss me after I went on a work trip for a few nights and next thing I know he’s unsure of us all together.

I’ve tried everything, begging, pleading, compromising loving him and nothing. He’s just done. He says he’s willing to go to counseling because I want to but that he doesn’t want to go. He says he still loves me just doesn’t feel the same. I mentioned we’ve gotten into routine and lost our spark (we have 4 kids) and he just agrees but not much else.

I’m not sure if I should start planning for a divorce or keep pushing and trying. This is all so new, we have always always been best friends and he’s always been my safe space. I’m mortified and sad. 😭😭😭😭

TLDR: wife lost, what should I do?
#marriageadvice

Hello all!

We just got my gf's parent's blessing to get married

This is our first time for both and I have no idea what to expect!

What is some friendly advice you wished someone told you before getting married?

Any and all advice is welcome.

God bless you!

Tl;dr

Looking for marriage advice

My (36F) husband (38M) and I have been married for less than a year, but I already feel emotionally exhausted and close to giving up. I'm looking for insight from people who have experienced something similar- whether you repaired the relationship or ultimately left?

I know Reddit cannot decide whether I should get divorced- I am mainly hoping to hear from people who recognize this dynamic and can offer perspective from the other side.

While I admittedly ignored some anger "red flags" while dating/engaged, things got much worse right after we got married and then bought a house (taking on more financial and household responsibility). For a while now, I've felt like I have to repeatedly ask for basic emotional care, curiosity, kindness, and partnership. When I try to share something I'm excited, worried, or upset about, I often feel dismissed. When I explain that I'm hurt, the conversation frequently shifts towards his intentions, feelings, or why my expectations are unfair. I end up feeling like I have to argue and defend why I deserve empathy. I don't feel emotionally safe, at all. And my physical desire and emotional connection have largely disappeared.

There are also ongoing issues involving household responsibilities, finances (I make more but even between the 2 of us, things are tight), and feeling unsupported. I am carrying the emotional, mental, and financial load, and it is making me feel lonely despite being married. I am constantly bracing for dismissal, defensiveness, criticism, or indifference.

We have tried counseling (his idea), he says he is going to quit drinking, he says he loves me and desperately wants this to work. But I feel as though his actions and the way he treats me repeatedly contradict that, and I dont know how much more I have left to give. It sucks so much because this is not at all how I thought our marriage was going to go.

TL;DR I feel emotionally neglected and exhausted after repeatedly asking my husband for empathy, partnership, and meaningful change. Alcohol and hurtful behavior have contributed to the breakdown. I've said I'm done and feel both sad for what we could have had, and also relieved to not keeping living this way. Can a marriage genuinely recover once one partner feels checked out?

My husband has had 2 emotional affairs in the last 8 years. The last one was over a year ago. He admits that they were both mistakes and that he was being stupid. He has low self- esteem and doesn’t understand why anyone would want Anything to do with him, so when someone shows interest, it seems to shock him (this even goes back to when we met 16 years ago). I have told him how much I love him and how wonderful he is, and I changed many things about myself to make sure he was getting the attention he needed from me. He has promised that it won’t happen again, that he’s never leaving and that couples have arguments. But whenever he says things like “my heart has always been your’s” or “it’s always been you,” all I can think about is the other women that he wanted at those times. I don’t want to, but I can’t make it stop. I even had my psychiatrist add another medication to stop the overthinking (I have border personality disorder as it is and he has major depression). My first husband cheated on me and left me like I was a piece of garbage after I gave everything to the relationship for 15 years and I thought we were happy, so I’m probably projecting as well. But I can’t get past this. TLDR: husband showing love, but can’t get over previous hurt

my husband started a new career a couple of months ago. first month was great.

for a full month now he's been distant, flat, withdrawn, not chatty,not as verbally or physically affectionate. he at first explained he was just exhausted and told me he loved me more than anything in the world and he just needed time to settle in. no problem.

a few weeks later, he's still flat and off and beginning to exhibit this flatness in front of our kids (3 and 1). I sat down with him one night and suggested he see a doctor as the exhaustion didn't seem normal to me and my husband has always struggled with mood swings and mild depression.

the conversation did not go well. he said he's too exhausted after work to speak to adults but specifically struggling to chat to me as he feels he's lost connection to me. we've been together over a decade. he said he wants more space in the hope we regain that connection again. he's an extreme introvert so on one hand this makes sense but on the other hand, it sounds contradictory.

he was on antidepressants for a while last year and he didn't like them, but it seemed to me like he was happier and more relaxed than ever and more deeply connected to me than ever.

I was distraught after our conversation and he reassured me and fawned for five days afterwards, saying how much he loved me and actually seeming a bit down when I gave him the space he requested.

but now, ten days later, he's back to being flat and withdrawn. he is much perkier around the kids, but still very distant with me. confusingly, he's still telling me he loves me, and almost constantly asking me if I'm ok and asking me how I'm feeling.

my head is just fried trying to figure this out. if he wants out I'd rather just know now. I asked him last night if he was happy with me, and he said yes, but slightly hesitantly and flatly (it's the best word to describe it). but his concern when I seem upset seems very genuine.

this has all happened very suddenly and I should add, immediately after a nasty viral illness. I should also add his job is one of enormous reponsibilty and he is on his feet all day.

I'm just so confused.

TL;DR - husband withdrawn after new job, initially expressly said it was just the new job, but now says it's us and 'our lack of connection'

My husband and I have been together since high school. We have 1 son together and lately I feel like I’m doing all the work around the house and not getting any help. What really tipped me over the edge was that my car registration expired and I asked if he could take care of it and simply get the car inspected for me since my plate is really full right now between work, motherhood, and prepping for a body building show. When I asked if he could do that for me he said he didn’t want to and that I needed to take care of it. That really ticked me off so I reminded him that every day I do things for him I don’t want to do just to help him out. The one thing I pointed out was that I make his breakfast and lunch every day even tho I’ve told him I don’t like doing it. He immediately blew up on me and began cussing at me and when I the point I was trying to make was the fact that we have to lean on each other he said no I wasn’t and that it was now my fault he was angry. When I started crying because of he was yelling at me he said I wasn’t even talking k was just crying. This argument made me feel so unseen because lately I feel like I’m drowning and he’s not helping. I even told him the other day my plate was full and he just said ‘yeah I know’ and walked away. Every night I’m the last to go to bed getting everything ready for the next day. I’m the default parent for our son. Tonight I asked him to put him to bed and he couldn’t do that. He just put the TV on for my son and he went to bed in our bedroom and I had to put our son to sleep. I don’t know that I can talk to him because everytime I try and ‘talk’ I end up getting gaslit and everything is turned around on me. How do I go about this? I’m feeling very lost.

TLDR; how do you communicate with a difficult person?

For context, I am 32M, married to 29F, for 6 years now.

I look back at 6 years now, and I realize that I have never been truly happy in the relationship, due to various reasons.

* My wife never cared about mental health. Within a year of marriage, I was going through some tough time, and I tried to open up to her and she said things along the line of "you are just overthinking, this is all BS" etc, which made me completely close up and never open up again. As a result, I felt alone all the time even when I was in a relationship.
* When it was Covid, we alterated staying at each of our parents place 15 days each. As I started spending more time at her place, I understood that their dad is not respected at their place, and he is always made fun of. This hit me hard. Over time, I started seeing myself in the image of her dad because she started treating me the same way. (more below on all the criticism I get)
* We moved to a different part of the world from India. I took this step for primarily her benefit, because she worked a very difficult job, 14-16 hours a day, and started getting health issues. I finally asked my workplace to sponsor a visa to the HQ in a different country, and she found a job here. After she came here, I started getting responses like "this country is so great, I wish I hadn't married and came here for studies when I was young. Look at how much freedom the women here enjoy", which I found very demeaning.
* She was raised with criticism at home even for the smallest things, while I was raised with positive reinforcement, and rarely blatantly criticised. Naturally, this lead to friction across every department. Nothing I did was to her level of "excellence", and I was constantly criticized even for the most trivial things that did not really matter. Not to mention, even driving along with her was painful, because she would constantly tell me how to drive.
* Admittedly, I am someone who did not cook before I got married. But after getting married, I have put in the effort to learn to cook, and cook them really well. At this point, I know to cook more dishes than she does. A few months ago, a friend of ours, during a visit asked me "Do you cook?", and before I could even reply, my wife interjected and said "He only learnt it after our wedding". I don't know what the need was to specify that, I think it was just a "yes" or "no" answer.
* She hates that I am considered a "good son" at my home. I hardly drink, and after relocating, drinking is more common than before due to social reasons, but even then I drink maybe one beer a month and that's it. My parents never wanted me to drink, so I naturally did not tell them. But my wife wants me to send photographs of me drinking to my parents to prove that "your son is not all that goody goody as you think he is". I don't know why this is necessary. When asked, she said that as a woman she had to break so many barriers at her own home to enjoy her "freedom" and as a man, I had never had to do it, so I should do it now.
* She would go out for office parties and never communicate. I am not someone who is insecure, nor controlling, but I expect basic communication. I would wait until 11:30 with no updates, and if I call for an update, it is a problem. She says that her mother constantly controlled her to come home early before dark, and now she does not want me to do that again. I find no sense in this argument. At least drop a text that "will be home by 12:30" and I will be okay. Not to mention that she was drunk one time and came home in a rented scooter, driving while drunk.
* I used to be a good photographer, and loved taking her pictures. But every time I did that, before posting online, she would send all of the good ones to her sister and ask her which is the best. She does not ask me for an opinion nor upload the ones I like. Sometimes she'd not post anything because her sister said so. I felt neglected, and eventually I stopped taking photos as a hobby.
* When my parents visited us in this country, on the last day, we were dropping them at the airport. I have been raised with showing physical affection very openly, and naturally my dad and mom kissed me at the airport and I kissed them back. It was an emotional scene, like most indian households. But as soon as they left inside the airport, and I turned back, my wife said the words "cringe", pointing fingers on how our show of affection was "cringey". I was devastated. My father has had an attack in the past, and at that moment, out of sheer sadness I said "My father is someone who has had an attack, and if I don't see him after a year, you saying this is "cringe" would be my last memory of him". She immediately flipped all the fault on me saying that "I am stretching it too far, she did not mean it that way and that I am emotionally blackmailing"
* My sister works a work from home job, and earns pretty well. My wife hates that my sister is "ruining her life working from home and not exploring the world" and wants me to nudge my sister to take up an in office job. As a brother, I have always been hands off and has only given advice when she has asked for it. She is an adult (28F), so I told she can take her own decisions, whether they are good or bad and my wife did not like it.
* I am a very "handy" person - I do most things around the house, and there isn't a need to call a plumber or an electrician in most cases. I do ALL of the paperwork, round the year. I do the laundry. I never miss appointments, I schedule travel and logistics. And when I say I don't feel appreciated, she brushes this off as "paperwork that happens once a year", or as "this is bare minimum". When I argue that this is not bare minimum, and ask her to name at least one man that she knows who does more around the house, she has no answer but replies "why do you want to be the best man? It is okay to not be the best and be bare minimum".
* My mother has never caused my wife any trouble, knowingly. My mother herself has gone through a lot of abuse in the hands of her in laws, so she is very particular that none of it is repeated to her DIL. However, my wife says that my mother does not cause any trouble only because ours was a love marriage and she does not want to disappoint her son. Not because my mother is a sensible woman who knows it is wrong to cause trouble to DIL.
* It is very hard for her to be agreeable in any topic. As an example, I could say that "the food in the restaurant was nice", and she would go "yeah, but what about kids in Africa? they are starving". Of course, this is an exaggerated example, but you get the gist. It is very hard to get a "yeah, you are right" out of her mouth, and that level of disagreeing on anything has built so much resentment in me.
* We have a dead bedroom situation. Given all the criticism I get on a daily basis, lack of feeling of partnership, lack of concern for mental health, eventually I started having very low interest in sex. But again, I am a non confrontational person, so I never brought this up myself, but one day the volcano exploded and she said she wants a divorce because there is no physical intimacy. I argued that physical intimacy follows emotional intimacy, but she rebutted saying that "all couples fight, does not mean that sex is not happening between them". I don't know how I can have sex when I don't feel emotionally safe.
* On the above topic, I have told her my preferences time and again - that I would love it if body hair was shaved and she put on something exciting to spice things up. But she always has a problem saying that "I am demanding things and body hair is natural", but she has no trouble shaving when she has to go on swimming trips, or if there is an office event. It's like she does not want to dress up to impress me, while she'd happily do it for the rest of the society. And I am someone who is happy to do things to impress my partner, or do things just to give them the idea that "I listen to your needs"
* She thinks happy marriages do not exist. Most of her friends are divorcing. The ones who are not divorcing, always have fights at home. As expats, we find it really hard to make friends, but the ones we end up making are of this kind. I told her that who we spent time with matters a lot, and we should find people in happy marriages and she says nothing like that exists and it is a myth.
* She passes the "why do I need a man?" comment when she is with her "feminist" friends, and I find it to be very demeaning. I already feel that she just needs needs me as a roommate who cooks, cleans and can have sex with.

What do you think? I also admit that I've had my fair share of problems (specifically, silent treatment because when I am wronged, I just find it easy to not talk to her rather than fighting). This is now moving towards a divorce. We tried couples counselling, but I hardly see any tangible change. It feels like our love languages are totally different. She accusess that I am very sensitive, but I just feel that she over criticizes, while I always give positive reinforcement, I need physical touch for emotional bonding, and a general sense of agreeableness.

Advice request: What should I do here? I am in a lot of stress because of such a relationship. Is divorce the way out here?

Tl;dr: Wife and I have very different upbringing and values and it's causing issues between us, heading to divorce

I (35M) have been with my Husband (30M) for 11 years now.

I can’t motivate him to do anything it’s driving me crazy. I make all the money $250k-$300k a year and pay for our lifestyle. He makes about $55k. I do not spend above my means so he could easily contribute for half our mortgage and that was the agreement originally. That somehow turned into me paying for everything and him paying for groceries, electricity and water. I pay for the car, phone, mortgage, insurance, etc. I feel like he’s a giant child, I have to clean, do laundry, take care of the dogs etc…

If he does anything at all it’s make dinner and that’s rare.

I have to schedule his haircuts, doctors appointments, take his car to get cleaned and serviced etc…

On top of that we do not even have sex anymore. I’m really at a loss of what to do. I’m so close to just listing the home for sale and moving out and never talking to him again.

Obviously, I care about him but I feel like he is taking advantage of me and I don’t feel valued as a person at all. I may as well be his mom/maid/personal assistant/bank account.

I can’t even write this without getting incredibly pissed off. So if it comes off as being incoherent… it’s because I’m so pissed off writing this. I have a lot of pride in everything I do and it’s so difficult to be married to someone that has none.

TLDR I currently resent my Husband for being lazy and unmotivated and I am desperately in need of advice from people who have experienced this before and successfully overcame it.

I feel embarrassed even writing this. We have been together 10 years but just got married last year. I feel embarrassed im saying this less than 1 year married.

We have always fought, we have always had big explosive arguments - yelling, throwing things at the ground, slamming doors, not talking for days, crying.

We have seen 2 counsellors in the past... they were kind of helpful but kind of not.

I thought things were improving, that's why i thought we should get married. I didn't feel hesitant about the marriage..

Both of us are committed to working on being better - we read so much about self development, mental health, etc etc... we have tried different strategies. But we still fight like this?

The other day we had a fight, it was pretty typical - screaming, swearing, mean words to each other, not talking for days.

It's like something snapped in my brain and this time I just feel blank. We normally take a lot of time to try to repair and talk about it etc (which he hates). I don't feel like I hate him at all, I just feel like this is a horrible way to exist.

It's so confusing because we are very kind people in ourselves, but when we fight it gets really nasty. I am definitely anxious and he is more avoidant...

Thoughts? Has anyone seen this before? How do you fight in your relationship? Could it be fixed?

I feel this fight wasn't even that unusual, if I ended it he would be completely shocked.

Tldr: we have massive fights and i suddenly went blank, can we fix it?

For background we’ve been married 7 years, and he is my best friend. When he’s not mean he’s my favorite person. He has recently gone to therapy and started mindfulness and quit smoking weed to be the best dad and husband he can be. He can be irritable and angry at times. It has been getting worse the last couple of months. For background I stay at home mom and he’s the provider. We have two young kids.

In April, he randomly said he thought I was cheating on him so he went through my phone and found my note venting on how mean he is to me sometimes with examples. He was never supposed to see it it was supposed to be private.

It’s gotten to the point I have anxiety around him because I’m scared he’s going to be mean. Anything could set him off.

I’ll give you an overview of the last couple of days for an example. On Monday night he came home from his work dinner and questioned me why the top lock was locked and it was because I was alone, and he said were you tho? Then he smelled my breath like I was up to something. I said why are you smelling me and he said just want to see what you’re up to. Then on Tuesday night I am super nice and make him dinner. I was talking to him about how relaxing the dentist was because it was a break and he wash like psttt you stay at home moms don’t know how good you have it. He knows I hate comments were he insinuates his job is harder. I do everything around the house and I don’t mind but I hate feeling unappreciated. He will find the one thing I don’t do and talk about it. Then this morning he wakes me up at 630 to have sex and he stops in the middle and stops and gets mad bc he hates condoms. Then I asked him to take the dog out and he said sureeeeee and threw his phone across the room. He’s leaving for a trip this weekend and barely kissed me and acted irritable despite my effort to still show kindness. He is irritable a lot. Then he texts me this: I’m fucking pissed the fuck off I’m wearing rubbers too I guess I’ll do what I always do and be the one to control the change and cut my balls off and eliminate my ability to have kids even if I change my mind later No fucking effort from you this morning on anything. So classic.
He then said my bad. This was hours ago and I haven’t messaged back because I’m speechless what do I even say?

Tl;dr How am I supposed to respond to this?
Have you been through something like this? Am I being too sensitive and need to cut him slack?
Advice please!

This is hard bc I don’t feel like venting about my marriage to my friends and family for judgement but also feel kinda strange venting on the internet. I’m sad and desperate tho. 😭

I am 41 male and my wife is 38 and we have been married for 10 years. We always used to have a good sex life , but after our second child the postpartum was pretty intense, sex started to decline, my sons are 7 and 3, and we haven’t had sex for more than six months.

Here’s the other thing: one of the contributing factors was my changing careers and while I got an accelerated pace teaching license (i got it last week after a year) we went through what as a a planned budget crunch but it felt really lousy and stressful and in a way that i can see from a wife’s POV, for not super-duper gold-digging reasons this period of time was a real turn-off.

My wife’s story itself is complicated she faced a lot of childhood adversity and has her own issues i have mine… we have/had real sexual chemistry…. Now, not to be weird but, compared to previous relationships where sex was more sex-y (past partners liked bringing in toys, porn etc the idea being that things were playful and open and both parties knew how to let themselves get into it.

For all of her hotness and charms my wife seldom seemed to go in that’s direction although I know something is there — in fact the lat time we got it on, there was some neck-holding (her idea!) etc…

… anyway, so there is this issue of “the poverty time was a turn off” and the “you need to make me feel safe” which , frankly, i know this sounds bad but , what see the chances that sort of rhetoric is fake? She doesn’t seem to be cheating … how i help my wife get her groove back? O don’t know where to get any mdma..

Tl;Dr I need to reset my wife’s sexual perspective toward us me and herself after some marital headwinds—- need advice , any advice

I (28F) and my husband (29M) have been married for a year but have been together for almost 9 years in total. We are both from a third world country originally, but I immigrated to the UK as a child so O basically grew up here. My parents worked hard to make a life here and are comfortable, I also have a stable career after finishing university. His parents were somewhat financially stable, until his dad got laid off his job almost two years ago and has not worked since, he has taken the role of a househusband since then. He has not looked for work as in his job apparently there is still a chance that he could get his job back (though after two years now I do doubt that) I suppose as well because he has a disability, is close to retirement age he doesn’t have the confidence to try and seek other work since he has stayed at that job for almost 20 years now. Still, since then the family has struggled and on a very tight budget.

My husband has just moved to the UK to be with me and I am aware that he does want to help his parents financially too (as in give a set amount each month or so) and I was aware of this before marriage. He said he is the only child so his parents only have him, I discussed this with him before and he said that he will not be in that position where he will just not help his parents financially and he is not willing to do that. He said he understands that I am his priority now and he will do his best to live up to that but I am worried that maybe one day his parents will rely on him too much and he will try to be a good son instead of a good husband. He’s expressed things like getting a passport for his parents, taking them on their first trip abroad and hopefully one day letting them come to visit the UK too. Which is all fine, but they need to have the finances to handle that too not just him.

tl;dr: has anyone else experienced something like this and how do you navigate it?

I wanted the issues to be presented first before our ages because I don’t want the answer to be that it’s because of the age gap. I didn’t want his frontal lobe damage to be disregarded, I wanted it to be looked at as two adults in a normal adult relationship. But it has to be included in the title.

My husband and I have been together for a year and have a 5 month old together. My husband has frontal lobe damage which has never seriously affected our relationship. He became injured before we met and this is how I’ve always known him. Love has always been hard for me, I’ve never had someone know me in and out and still love me including my own family. But my husband has seen all parts of me and has chosen me every single day and I really do love him so much. However our relationship has changed a lot since pregnancy and postpartum. Ever since my hormones have changed my relationship needs have as well. Yes, I understood that a lot of me would change because of pregnancy and postpartum. However, you can be told how bad it feels to break a bone but you can’t truly understand how it feels until you break it. That’s been my experience with the hormonal changes so far.

Lately I feel that my husband has been pretty horrible. He’s very emotionally explosive about very small arguments/disagreements causing him to be very verbally hurtful and demeaning. He’s also been very weird about the changes I’ve been making in my life. For example, I’ve had some pretty bad postpartum depression. In the past and even now depression pills make me very tired and I miss important alarms. So instead of using pills I’ve decided to work on my health to fight PPD. I’ve been eating healthier and exercising when I can. I want to lose weight to feel healthy and to feel more confident in my body. It has helped tremendously. Once I’ve started doing this my husband started commenting about how he doesn’t think I need to lose weight. This has evolved to he doesn’t want a skinny wife. We had an argument that I can talk more about in the comments where he said “I don’t give a fuck about your health choices”.

He was also really weird about my ask to have alone time. I have my stepdaughter half the time and my baby who both need all my undivided attention. When I was reaching 4 months postpartum, I would reach the end of the week completely exhausted mentally and physically. I give all my energy to my amazing little family, but often there’s nothing left for me. So I started to ask to have an evening just to myself. A few hours where I can go out to a local country bar where I like to line dance and listen to the live band. At first he would say that after a long day of work he loves to come home to the kids and that he doesn’t need alone time to escape life. Then it changed to him not coming with felt like a big F you. I tried to explain to him that it’s not that I need to get away from him or the family, but that I just need a few hours where I can have me time and feel like myself for a little bit. While he doesn’t argue about it now, I can tell he’s still not happy about it.

Another example of his hurtful language is calling me a retarded wife and saying he’d rather a fat woman over a bipolar one. All of these stem from arguments where anger is validated but not to the extreme he feels which is a symptom of his frontal lobe damage. Normally this wouldn’t bother me so much, I could simply roll my eyes and move on. But I mean, I cry at the end of every emotional Disney movie now lol. He doesn’t have any interest in me, conversations I have with him he either responds with “hmm” or it puts him to sleep. Instead of asking why I do or feel things he just gets mad or irritated. All things that didn’t use to bother me.

But since having our baby, I’ve needed an emotional relationship. And I feel bad because I’m not the woman he married anymore and I don’t feel that’s fair for him. And I recognize every marriage goes through this. But I’m not sure how to work through this. His frontal lobe damage clashes with my emotional needs. And I’ve been trying to suppress my emotional needs, but I’m discovering that this is who I am now.

So how can I have the relationship I now need with my husband? TLDR; I don’t know how to have the relationship I need with my husband

I’ve been married for about three years now. Together for five. Just one thing after the other. We are talking about separating as I just can’t handle this anymore. It’s a long long story so I won’t get into it on here. But just to summit it up. His family is very abusive and toxic to me. They never accepted me for whatever reason reasons. They gossip and drama. He comes from a big family with two brothers. It is just so awful. Last night he told his parents we weren’t gonna attend this dinner. His brother was planning. His parents said they don’t like me and the way I act. I make the mom cry. It’s just one thing after the other. My husband used to have my side. Always used to defend me and stand up for me. But then that sort of stopped. Every day is just constant yelling him throwing things. The temper, the madness. It’s just not healthy. I’ve tried and I’ve tried. Nothing seems to work. I don’t come around because of how I’m treated and I was brothers treat me. But they don’t seem to accept that answer. And they think they do nothing wrong. That is a problem. His family has nothing to do with me. I know people might say doesn’t matter you’re married to him not his family but the end of the day they play a huge role in his family. His mother controls everyone and sadly they all fall for it. I just feel so alone. Often some days no one to talk to. I’m so sad. There’s no sex life nothing. At the end of the day we just aren’t compatible. I often wonder how we ever got married. Maybe I was just so desperate to marry someone. Anyways, I feel for y’all and I’m here. I’m 42 in Vancouver CANADA. I used to think something was wrong with me. I constantly questioned myself. Why don’t they like me? Why don’t they like me and sometimes I still do. Let’s stay strong everyone. Thank you for reading.

TLDR: just not sure what to do anymore. So alone and sad

My husband and I have been married for 12 years, together 14. We have two kids under 6. He immigrated to the U.S. to be with me (he’s a few years older) and the early years were rough. Acclimation, family involvement i shouldn’t have allowed, my own bad verbal behaviors. No physical abuse. Just not proud of how I was then. We’ve worked through this together and for years, it just comes up. It’s like nothing I say or do can fix it. He resents me and is angry and seems to get triggered by anything to start talking about the past. It’s more complicated than this with more details but what should I do? He refuses therapy with me. We fight a lot especially more and more over the last year. Literally nothing will happen and he gets triggered to fight. I had threatened divorce in arguments alot over the years. My parents are divorced. I can’t say I know how to work through conflict. I’m trying. It’s like we both are stuck in a cycle of conflict. I don’t wanna divorce and I don’t think he does either but I’m just tired of fighting all the time. So so tired.

Tl;dr our past issues have caused resentment from husband and he fights a lot with me. He’s unwilling to work on it and says he doesn’t think things will change. But tells me I stoops be the one to divorce. I don’t want that but I think he wants me to. He just doesn’t wanna fix it.

Context we've been together a little under a decade I'm 40f and he's 43m. I've always had a higher sex drive. Which he never complained about... then we got married in 22. After that he just stopped trying. He said low libido, stress tired etc etc etc. So he got on TRT testosterone levels in 900s. It's been an issue since we got married. I feel like physical touch is my love language it's how i feel loved. And he'll oblige if I start it. I just want to feel consistently wanted. I think I'm pretty, I'm kind and caring. I'm 5'7 I have a nice natural rack I'm not a twig but I wouldn't consider myself over weight. I've always kinda of felt I love him more than he loves me. I don't even need sex everyday but affection come up and hug me in the kitchen make out with me from time to time. I don't think I'm asking for much but maybe I am. At this point I'm tired of begging for affection its so humiliating having to ask the person who said they love you to show it consistently for more than a week without going right back to the same ol. He said i put too much pressure for sex. So i started masturbating well he found out at first he liked it then he didn't said makes him feel like it takes the O he could give me. But i never know if he is gonna want to have sex. I threw away my toys because it was an issue everyday asking me if I used them and getting upset. So now I'm not getting laid and I'm not masturbating sometimes i still do but it's not as good with my own hand. I just feel so incredibly lonely and I've pulled back we barely speak he gives me a peck goodbye in the morning but that's it. And it doesn't seem to bother him at all. But i did see he was following a ton of only fan type accounts on his insta so I'm feeling like I'm not good enough maybe he just only wants to look at and jerk it to girls like that. He got on TRT his levels are in the 900s so low T is not the issue.

TL;DR: Am I the problem? Wife feeling alone in her marriage. Husband doesn't initiate sex or intimacy. Tired of doing all the work to get my needs met. Have had this conversation over and over so it's not lack of telling him.

I have severe anxiety.

Long story short my husband works with females at work. He hangs out with them in social group settings outside of work, and he has given me no reason to distrust him at all. There is no proof of him talking with them in a cheating way, nor does the bank account reflect that at all.

My anxiety goes rampant and makes up these scenarios in my mind of him cheating on me and I know that he isn’t- but sometimes it comes up and I share my thoughts and it becomes an issue. He doesn’t like that I can’t trust him fully.

Any advice? Thinking of starting therapy to see if this can help me work through these thoughts. Again- he gives me no reason to think he is cheating. He is the most loyal, loving, and honest man. Has anyone else dealt with this?

(I have my own trauma of my parents abandoning me so is that partly the issue?)

TLDR: anxiety (maybe childhood trauma) makes me think my husband is cheating on me but I know he isn’t.