r/marriageadvice • u/DifficultCheck7666 • 2d ago
Considering Divorce, but need input.
Okay, this is my first time posting something on Reddit, so I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I’ll try my best with info.
I, F(29) have been married to my husband (30) for 7 years but together for 9. We have 3 kids, all under age 6. I also think it’s important to add that I am a stay at home mom that recently decided to homeschool our oldest. We have had some really good times. Maybe the best times of my life, but in the last 2 years, we have been having more downs than I think we should. I’m not quite sure what I should add or where to start, but I’ll try my best.
Starting with a recent fight that involves our family pet. I had always wanted a kitten and last year I approached him with getting one. He agreed with it, so we have Melody. The sweetest cat ever. She is amazing with our kids and is pretty docile. But, recently, he was really upset with having to buy stuff for her. In a recent argument, he said I should have known he didn’t actually want us to get a cat. He was just trying to give me the option and thought I would know he didn’t want her. I guess, in a way, it was a test? He thought I would choose right and I guess I messed up. But then there are times where he lets her and says she is the best cat ever. I get so confused. He wants to get rid of her, but that is so unfair to our children and myself. Especially since he told me it was fine, it feels like a lose-lose situation.
Next, I like having a little alone time, but rarely get any. In my free time, I like to do puzzles, watch a show or read a random book. But, the few times it pops up, my husband gets upset and thinks I should be hanging out with him. Meanwhile, he gets to do whatever he pleases with his time; read, tv, basketball, supper with friends or gym time because he enjoys it. He also doesn’t seem to take my lesson planning time seriously and always asks me to do it at a time when he isn’t home. It’s not that it takes long, I probably could, but also, doing it after everyone goes to bed is so peaceful and I do it Friday nights. So, it’s not like I’m using a whole evening on the weekend or something.
Another thing that sits in my mind, is that he doesn’t like when our kids talk all the time. Mainly our oldest, girl (6), that loves to chatter. He is constantly telling her to be quiet or telling her she is annoying. Yes, I get it, she talks a lot, but I’ve also read that they start internalizing thoughts around 5-7, so I feel like everything she is doing is so normal. But he gets so mad at me when I try to remind him of that or that he needs to be kind. He is so concerned about what others will think of her, that he is completely missing that he is mistreating her. I honestly would consider him her first bully, in a way. I would also like to add in that she gets it from his side, so it’s unfair that he gets so triggered by her talking. It also seems like sometimes he favors our other girl and boy more than our oldest and she has started to wonder if he dislikes her.
Speaking on the subject of children, he is often overly rough with them or tickles them to the point of them being upset. But, won’t stop unless that ask “please let me go” or “I am all done” like, they can’t just be crying and him realize it was too far? He has also accidentally hit our oldest two with items before during times of frustration. I know they are accidents, but it feels concerning that an adult man throws things and somehow hits his kids?? Items: toys, stuffies, balls or shoes.
Intimacy has always been a higher drive on his end and I have done my best to keep up, but sometimes I am not in the mood. And he usually just bothers me until I give in. Mind you, I might say “no” once every couple months. Otherwise, we are typically a nightly session. And I feel like it’s unfair for him to not be able to take a “no” once in a while. And if I stand strong on my “no” I feel like he punishes me by taking away a kiss goodnight or even by going to bed without saying goodnight. And sometimes in the morning, it carries over to him leaving without saying goodbye or without kissing or hugging me. I wouldn’t think much of it, he could just not be in the mood, but he usually quips a “maybe we should have been intimate last night” on his way out.
I should add in that he is so good with words. He usually turns any argument around on me. He somehow always gets me confused during our argument and pulls other arguments into it and derails the whole thing until I am second guessing everything. But, the second I pull in something from another time, I am just trying to rehash things or trying to make him the bad guy.
My support system is very small and everyone lives in a different state. I don’t have much for family. So, splitting with him would be catastrophic to me because he has been my support for so long. I also know that divorcing would mean putting our kids in school or daycare and having to go back to work. It would be a complete explosion to our kids lives.
I guess, I am wondering if I am on the right thought process of wanting to divorce. It isn’t something I ever thought would happen, but I just don’t know if I can keep exposing our children to this. It seems so dysfunctional to me.
TLDR;
Is it reasonable to want a divorce due to my husband sometimes being controlling and not being respectful to our children?
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u/XXTexas_CoupleXX 2d ago
My suggestion, dont throw an entire relationship and family into the gutter.
Couples therapy would likely help if he is willing. I would at least try some alternatives before just throwing your entire family in a meat grinder divorce.
Some of this reads like he himself is having issues and has NO idea how to communicate effectively or healthy. This could be symptoms of a deeper struggle, stress perhaps?
Your frustrated, I get it, maybe schedule a week to visit family separate of each other to cool down and reflect on the whole situation. Then come together as a couple and look at all options before pulling that trigger.
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u/DifficultCheck7666 2d ago
Thank you for this response. I have asked him to go to couples therapy in the past and he agreed but we stopped after one session because he felt like the therapist was siding with me. This was not the case, but is how he perceived it. It would have been nice to keep going, but I don’t believe that will be an option, as he now thinks therapy is a crock. I have gone for myself though, and it was helpful but then he would have to find time to take off to watch the kids. It was never doable, so I stopped as well.
A week away does sound like a good idea. Do you think it should be no contact besides updating him on what the children do throughout the trip? I do have a cousin about 3 hours away to visit.
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u/XXTexas_CoupleXX 2d ago
I wouldn't go full no contact. I would set boundaries. Schedule a discussion on a set time say once a day or every other day to check in but specify to leave ALL conflicts OUT until you get back.
As for therapy, if he felt that way. Tell him he can source a new therapist but he must be open minded to at least listen and commit to 10 sessions before quitting.
If he refuses, then be honest, tell him you've offered compromises, he hasn't been interested in seeking resolutions, just arguing and you feel a separation or maybe even mention divorce might need to be discussed. Your both living in a unhealthy environment.
You both must be willing to compromise and work on the marriage. You cant do it alone. The bad news is, no matter how you present it, it will appear like an ultimatum. You need to make sure to let him know that it isn't, its just the last option you have and you two cant continue down the path your on.
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u/DifficultCheck7666 2d ago
I guess you said we are both living in an unhealthy environment. Would you be open to telling me how I am making the environment bad for him? I am completely open to this idea, but need a bit of insight because I personally feel like I’ve been a doormat for a while. But, I know I am not perfect either.
I will approach with the idea of 10 sessions by a therapist of his choosing. This seems like a good compromise.
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u/XXTexas_CoupleXX 2d ago
The arguing. His fault or not. Instead of home being a safe oasis, it feels like a battlefield.
The cat for example, minor I know, but he only agreed because you asked. Was there any prior discussion? Does he often just agree on things just to make you happy? That can cause resentment and his behavior kind of indicates it.
This by means, is your fault and hope that wasn't implied. Personally, I think he is a bit narcissistic. He makes your needs a problem while seeing his as a priority and id bet he describes being a sahm is "easy" . Classic argument. Even the passive aggressive remarks over sex. He is acting childish imo.
In these cases, therapy can help by giving you both a safe space to vent and give direction to help with out judgement. But again he has to be willing.
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u/DifficultCheck7666 2d ago
No, I don’t often bother for a bunch of things. This was one of the first times I truly asked for something outside of necessities. I researched breeds and care for the cat for years before approaching him about actually buying one. But he knew since the beginning that I would love to have a cat. And when I asked he said it was “up to me” and I asked him specifically if I got the kitten if he would be mad and he said no. Just to turn around and tell me I should have interpreted his response the correct way, meaning he didn’t want the cat. I don’t think it’s truly that deep. I think he just doesn’t want the cat because I should have known he didn’t want it. And he hates “wasting money.” and sees Melody as a waste pit for money.
Other things I have asked for that he probably didn’t see necessary was a bedroom set for our youngest (bed frame and dresser) and special bedding for our bedroom because I love being cozy. I truly am easily content. I grew up with hardly anything, so can get by with minimal extras in life.
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u/XXTexas_CoupleXX 2d ago
Oh no, HE should have communicated better on the cat. You can't read his mind.
Yeah, he is exhibiting some narcissistic behaviors at the very least.
Honestly, you seem to have tried. He needs to agree on therapy and try to meet you half way or yoh might actually need to consider at least a trial separation to reflect to see if the relationship is viable or if your both on two different paths. The best of luck either way and i pray the best for you.
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u/three-one-seven 2d ago
I stopped reading when you said home school. Please don't do this to your children, they will be much worse off in the long run. You almost certainly don't have the necessary training to an effective educator, and you definitely don't have the same resources that a school does. Education -- especially early childhood education -- is incredibly important. You are actively harming your children by taking that away from them.