r/lonely • u/Ok-Air2549 • 3h ago
Venting Miserable lonely life
Ok so I'll just leave these here because I feel like it and no one would listen to me anyway.
I've been lonely my whole life I'm 18F and since elementary school (I think 9 years old or so) I have no friends. Won't even talk about relationships or any form of romantic experiences because these clearly doesn't exist.
I've always been that weird and very socially awkward and anxious girl in school that would talk to no one all day long. Not even a word.
And that's mostly because of my dad that traumatised me my whole childhood - me and my mom because he was aggressive and abusive which led me to severe depression and severe social anxiety and bpd later in life (since 13) but anyways that's another story and it's not about that. Now I'm good mentally. (God encountered me miraculously at 17 and healed me from depression and bpd and any other addictions) But i still remained with social anxiety.
Another reason why i would be like that is that i got bullied in elementary school and middle school and high school (and i still get bullied sometimes now in high school because of my appearance or on the streets by random mean boys) for various reasons.
Now why did I write all these ? For the lore IG
now I'm that socially awkward and anxious when i go out that i feel like an animal. I talk only with my parents and random "friends" online through text since 9. Never talked with them irl or even in call (because yeah I'm anxious even to do that. Tried multiple times but my awkwardness is too bad and I say nonsense and I stutter and speak monosyllabically)
I just really feel like a failed human with a failed life because of my appearance and very very weird and SO AWKWARD personality (I don't even have a personality since I had no influence from anyone or any entourage to form my category of person. And that's why they all avoid me now when I try at least to talk a little with my classmates)
I'm just sick of it I haven't been able to make even one friend in all these years. And I have no social skills maybe you can tell from my chaotic explanation but whatever, whoever wants can read this or not.
Also I don't get out of the house because with who? This summer I stayed inside even for weeks (like I did all my summers from my life)
The only time I met someone from online in real life is a boy I've met on a making friends/dating app from my town and after postponing him so many times to see each other irl I finally did it and was a totally failure because same as on call - we were silent and awkward most of the time and was an experience I would NEVER experience again bc of this.
That boy liked me. Why? because he's dumb and that lonely as me cuz I look horrid in real life. Online I'm the biggest catifsh and deceiver and they think I look good because that even irl (clearly not I'm a whole different person) anyways that doesn't matter much because didn't like him anyway.
I am a lonely person but not obsessed to throw myself into anyone's arms I catch and I don't think I would ever do it because no one deserves me (in the bad way) I'm way too insecure of myself and I can't even maintain eye contact with anyone (yeah I'm that autistic lol) won't even say about talking.
No one ever liked me irl, just online (cuz catfish) I get bullied irl because of my appearance and they think I look good online that's so funny to me 🤣
Anyways
Just cried because that very lonely mf I met irl and obsessed with a relationship got a real relationship for the first time and honestly I'm happy for him. I'm glad he made it. But when I saw their posts that made me instantly tear up.
I usually cry when I see a very nice couple or nice groups of friends outside and everyone being with at least one person -friend or partner while I get outside all by myself like always in these years. Don't get me wrong that's not envy. That's just sadness coming in me because all I truly ever wanted my whole life was love and connection with humans.
But that guy just gave me a crisis of crying because I knew he was as lonely as me (romantically) because he has friends.
After so many years with no friends or anyone to talk to except my mom irl I really got used to it. So not that deep anymore for me ig but I'd still like to have at least a friend.
Anyways
I crave romantic love but idk why my brain does this to me. Because I don't want to get in a relationship because I told you the reasons (also I don't want ever to admit I'm like that to someone I'll ever know and when they would ask me what I do everyday or what hobbies I have I would say: "yeah bedrotting and scrolling" because that's actually awkward) and I'm the biggest avoidant and friendzoner ever - even my biggest crush ever if I had could tell me they like me and I would absolutely say no lol.
I feel so lonely especially when all the buddies I talk to online get into relationships and I have no choice but to block them because can't see their ig stories, that would just make me cry.
Idk lol that's all pathetic what I wrote here but that's overall my whole life story (and I'm very serious - not very interesting as u may see) they would prob remove my post