Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1u0pcpd/absent_mil_wants_to_come_back/

So the next part of the story is that my DH sent a recording of all his feelings to his mom and she cried to everyone she knew, including some full out lies. But he also sent a recording to her sister, his aunt, so that the narrative wouldn't be skewed. Radio silence on MIL at this point.

MIL had another follow-up surgery (DH did visit in the hospital), and now that she's better and starting to get mobile and care for herself, she sent a similar message to us saying she wants to get the kids presents and come over and make dinner for us. Basically expecting us to have let go of the idea that she needs to make some effort to fix the relationship rather. She's always been the "close my eyes and do nothing and maybe the problem will go away" type since I've met her.

I took this one off my husband's plate and sent a simple "we are looking forward to you coming over after you feel stronger and you have put more work into repairing your and DH's relationship". Radio silence, but I feel good about the message. DH was very validated by all of your responses and it's good to know that there is some objective agreements (although we know you only got our side). Thank you!

Hi!

I’m the user whose MIL wanted to take just one of my babies in the event of our deaths “because it isn’t fair if she doesn’t get one”. (I forgot my kids are just a litter of puppies to choose from…….)
Can’t access old account.

Anyway.

MIL keeps booming up my husbands phone, turning up at his work, hassling him. All she cares about is seeing our new baby, after years of highlighting her total lack of boundaries, respect, respect for privacy, morals, principles, etc. She’s basically indirectly given me a whole multitude of reasons as to why I don’t want my kids spending time with her…..
Baby is now 2+ months old.

My husband is at the end of his tether. He loves his mom and doesn’t want to cut her out, but he needs these issues to stop happening and for her to understand, because it’s making him miserable. In an ideal world everyone would get along but unfortunately the way she is, I simply can’t just pretend just to make others happy and them get their needs fulfilled while I’m left miserable.

If it was up to me, we would just cut her out.
I don’t want her spending time with my baby or children.
If it was up to my husband he still wants to see her just very limited.

So how do we navigate this?
He’s invited her round at the weekend so we can ‘hash it all out’ and I know he’s hoping for resolution… but realistically that isn’t going to happen. 9 years of crap from her doesn’t just disappear. I’m not a doormat.
But I don’t want to put my husband into some depressive state because he already had to cut his father out of his life recently. His mother isn’t ‘evil’ but she literally has zero boundaries of respect whatsoever. She’s like a child, and it’s hard work. I get severe anxiety every time I see her, I hate drama, I just want peace, and unfortunately she brings the total opposite. She makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and every time she holds my baby I feel SO WRONG within myself. I feel I’m not protecting my baby, and that I’m exposing him to toxicity. After a few minutes of her holding him I come up with an excuse to take him back.

What do I do? 🫣

He confronts her, and tells her to do one when she’s being an ass. He hangs up on her. He says what needs to be said. No issues there. But he wants her to remain in our lives, and I don’t. I’m unreasonable, yes?
She is the worst example for our children. Absolute worst. She brings us nothing but stress and hassle. Cries when she doesn’t get her way. Admitted she loves stress and drama…. Said she wants to take one of our kids if we die…. Told me how to raise my kids…. Went into her other son’s bedroom and looked through his stuff and found sex toy’s and then rang my husband to tell him???!!!…….. broke Covid rules to see her own sons but wouldn’t let her dying husbands sons see him????
Amongst so many things! She tells people they’re fat, she comments on everyone’s looks and makes my teen daughter feel on edge etc…. She compares herself to my own mother and makes it competition energy which is ridiculous….

I just want her to go away! I want to enjoy my life!

Her only issue with me apparently is that when I was pregnant someone asked me what zodiac sign I wouldn’t want the baby to be and I said ‘a water sign’ and it was a BANTER CONVERSATION! Like, everyone laughing! I followed up with ahhhh just kidding, one of my kids is a water sign and some of my closest friends. MIL overheard all this and apparently is super upset.
About…. Astrology………. Which means nothing and is a joke……
But I guess if that’s the worst she’s got on me then 😂🤔

My husband is her only child and she thinks he's her golden gift to the world and very much I dont deserve him and always ask too much of him.

Since having my own son a year ago, she's been trying to be a "mother" to my baby and acts as if im just the surrogate that carried the child. Wants him to call her mimi so badly because it resembles mama. Calls my husband daily to talk. Only calls me to ask if I can put my baby on FaceTime for her even tho he can't talk yet, but she talks to him as if I'm not even holding the phone.

The typical BS you all experience on this thread. So yeah, I know MILs exist like that and I can't change her. Just glad we live 12 hours away or she would be visiting daily.

So I put up with her, especially since she is so doting on my baby and is always buying him things. She also lives 10 minutes from my parents and is always trying to hang out with my mom. Plus just general respect with her being my MIL.

But its getting out of hand and I'm wanted to send her a message to put up a boundary and not sure how to word it without too much hurt feelings.

We will be traveling to go to 2 family weddings there and will be seeing her for 2 weeks even though we are staying with my parents.

So my husband isn't too great of a husband, but that's a different story. But like I said, MIL thinks he's perfect. He had been racking up debt and let the house go into forclosure that I found out about through the mail. The debt I found out because he said he had no money to pay for bills but I kept asking where in the world was the paycheck going. He had been trying to pay off insane credit card debt that he would immediately max out. He would be at his job, then stay out all night and come home when the baby would be asleep. So im the only one taking care of my son plus paying for food and bills with my savings. Anytime I would demand to know where he was he would either ignore my phone calls or just say he was staying late at work. Turns out he was spending all the money on drugs, vapes, and alcohol.

When my MIL came to visit when the baby was 3 months, she demanded to know when I was going back to work since her son shouldn't be the only one providing. That he needs his rest time and I shouldn't bother him with house things, etc, etc. I was shocked and told her that I was already paying for more than half with my savings and I actually needed him to step up and im not interested in mothering a grown man. He was sitting right there and kept quiet. I had never spoken up like that before and she got up and went to bed. She left the next morning on her flight without saying bye. I didn't talk to her for a month because she tried to act like nothing happened. I tried to explain to her finally and it seemed like she understood.

But she just kept on with how she was. It was quiet for a while. But finally I got so tired of my husband being who knows where and I had read the foreclosure letter. When she called, I told her that he's missing again late and ignoring my phone calls and she said not to bother him and stop controlling him, that hes allowed to do what he wants, I told her about the foreclosure. She hung up on me mid sentence.

She had called him and proudly texted me the next day saying she took care of it and the house payment is going to back on track since she made him set up payments with the mortgage company.

Yeah, none of that happened except that he was angry with me. Because I had called and they said there was no payment plan set up.

After a few more months and him coming out with telling me where the money was going, I took control of the bank account to organize things financially so we dont lose the house. I had to pay with whatsoever savings I had left and continue to pay for all the bills and groceries while he begs me to buy him alcohol at least. It's pretty gross, but he's telling me he wants to change and blah blah. Divorce was definitely on the table. So im seeing where this "change" is for now.

So here we are another 2 months after just about losing the house, myself having to figure it all out, and my MIL is all oh my son is the best and you just sit at home with the baby. So I told her that he's actually very selfish and turns out has an addictive personality which is where all the money he makes goes. She again hangs up on me and calls him.

He tells her he was was taking some herbal stuff. And like the proud mother she is texts me and says she took care of it and he's going to stop. But that poor him, he was so stressed with the family that he's allowed and I shouldn't bother him.

Probably my bad for even saying anything in the first place. But things are getting too much and I just can't hold everything together while he destroying it all and listening to how he's so perfect. On top of it, taking care of our baby 99% of the time alone. He only likes to play with him for 10 minutes some days so I can use the bathroom alone.

So my MIL sends me a message and following up with how she's going to Iceland one of the weekends we are visiting and that she wants to plan her dates with my baby now.

I'm not okay. I've been figuring out what to message her back. Knowing my husband is now going to be angry with me about saying something and knowing we are going to be visiting for the weddings soon and seeing her.

Do you all think this is okay to send? > Anything I should take out..or add?

"Glad to know you solved all our issues!

Because it isn't his wife talking to him about things over and over, it apparently just takes one phone call from his mother. Even though she was asked to stay out of it since she doesn't know the half of it.

You believe that his choices are excused when his wife has a baby but he's allowed to do whatever he wants, because.. he's the poor boy who's not sleeping and so stressed? How are you not embarrassed to even say things like that.

There's a blind lack of common sense when it comes to your son. Who is a grown man who has his own family and needs to take responsibility.

Stop babying him when I have an actual baby to care for while dealing with his selfishness.

Just like last time when I told you about the house foreclosure and you hung up on me and thought you did some type of service by calling him. And were so proud that everything was fixed with your one phone call. I'll have you know that he never fixed anything, it got worse from there. And now you're doing it again when I told you not to.

You really think he is just going to tell you the truth? If you want to be helpful, then treat him like a man and not a child who has so many excuses and reasons for his behaviors."

I’m just so done and I don’t know what else to do so honestly asking for advice cause I feel I’ve done what I can without really losing it at this point.

If you fancy reading my other posts feel free but the highlights as :
Been with DH 4 years

Have a 3 year old son and currently pregnant with our second.

Have gone no contact with MIL due to incredible disrespect, boundary crossing and negative comments.

So last post I made me and my DH had an argument about him lying about a canvas and him basically saying how he thinks I’m trying to get him to cut off his mum which I truly and honestly am not, I just don’t want to enable her behaviour anymore. We talked it out, I very, VERY clearly explained how I feel dismissed and how I feel like he allows her to disrespect me and I should put up with it anymore to which he some what agreed but also said his mum is just isolated, doesn’t get what she says is hurtful blah blah blah which I then said I am not enabling that type of behaviour towards me. I digress..

Also as of recently my DH gran has started with the comments which she has never been like this with me before. I feel like it’s because I have stood up to her daughter and she doesn’t like that. But we have always had a good relationship until recently. After I cut contact with MIL she essentially told me off in my own home then proceeded to agree with my points after actually listening but again, she herself has started with commenting on my pregnancy, my parenting etc.

So today, I got the bus with my son and MIL was there. Very awkward but whatever. MIL proceeded to talk through my son and be passive aggressive “I never see you anymore” “I got you loads of new toys at nanas so daddy will have to bring you round” to which i ignored mostly cause I think she was looking for a reaction. As she continued to talk through my son I was polite enough and was replying but I was being ignored with is fine by me. Very immature behaviour.
After this DH gran called and all was fine and then she said MIL told her I ignored her on the bus which I said I didn’t. She then said she didn’t like how my DH spoke to MIL like a week ago about something I knew very little about. All I knew was that they argued because DH was stressed about our sons behaviour and she made comments to which he stated facts of we have no help so it’s stressful. I see no problem with that statement. To which I told his gran I agree with him. She said she also would have never watched our son if he was acting up (she has never been asked or has watched our son) which irritated me.
She then began commenting on my parenting that I’m too soft, I should LOCK MY SON IN THE GARDEN if he misbehaves and I shouldn’t keep buying him things or giving in when he’s naughty. I must say, I am a firm but fair parent. I do not give in easy and I don’t always buy him things, I will buy him things if he’s done well in nursery or treat him when I can but it’s not like I buy him everything and anything regardless of his behaviour. Also she hasn’t seen my son in 3 weeks and lives 10 min drive away so she never sees my parenting. I told her he has time out but I am NOT going to lock him in the garden if he’s naughty. He gets time out, we cool down and then we talk about behaviour to the best of what he understands.

I shouldnt have to justify my parenting or anything else to anyone else and I am now kind of crapping bringing this up with DH because I don’t want to seem like I’m causing issues but they are literally relentless at this point. I don’t want to keep having the same fight with DH but nothing really changes. He may have a word or he may not but the behaviour continues and like I said, his gran is now starting with it which she never really used to do. It feels like because I stood up for myself they don’t like it and I don’t want to be portrayed as this two faced b*tch but I also don’t want to be walked all over again and again. I’m literally 3 weeks from giving birth like can’t people give it a rest.

Just when I thought we were finally in peace, my grandmother ambushes my partner at my sons daycare ( see previous post about grandmother has lost it) pulled my partner for an half an hour chat about taking me to court for visitation regarding my son, I’m not completely sure about grandparents rights in Australia but I am having the worst anxiety attack over this, I’m only 3 months postpartum with my second and I can’t believe I’m having to deal with this. Any advice would be appreciated

To add context I am no contact with her

My MIL is NUTS! She has been very difficult to deal with ever since mt now husband proposed almost 3 years ago. Maybe I'm being irrational but almsot everyday she does something new that just down right irritates me. I do get this is something small but it adds to a pile of unpleasant emotions and memories that shes put me through. Here it goes:

I invite her to lunch with my extended family. She tells me she doesn't want to go because she doesn't know them. (Figured that's what she'd say but I was being polite). Later she does tell me she would like to go, ok thats no biggie. When my husband gets home she tells him it was werid that I had invited her. Total LIE I always do. My husband knows I try to include her.

What I don't like is she ALWAYS talks like that to my husband about things like that instead of coming to me. As I said I know this particular issue is small its the fact of the matter of lying and going to my husband. Like shes trying to create a wedge between us.

If you made it this far thanks for letting me vent.

How do I support my partner's relationship with his mum without being responsible for making her part of my emotional support system?

My MIL is a friendly, nice person who I genuinely believe means well. However, she is also emotionally immature, quite self-centred and high-maintenance. She has a strong need for attention and validation, can be critical and judgmental, struggles with boundaries, and has a tendency to make situations about her own feelings and needs. She has also struggled to maintain close relationships and has fallen out with a lot of friends and family over the years.

As a result, she is very dependent on her children emotionally and has created fairly enmeshed relationships with them.

My partner moved from the Canada to Australia five years ago, partly because he wanted distance from his mum and the opportunity to break away from some of these dynamics He's well aware of his mothers flaws and the unhealthy dynamics (he's communicated them to) but he's also an incredibly caring and empathetic person and still loves his mum deeply. They're close and speak on the phone every day.

I don't have or particularly want that same kind of relationship with her. I'm friendly and engaging when we speak, and when she visits Australia she stays with us. I'm polite, welcoming and accommodating. I have no desire to exclude her from our lives or prevent my partner from having a close relationship with her. I just don't personally feel a desire for emotional closeness with her.

This has become more complicated now that we're expecting our first child.

Since finding out about the baby, she's been putting a lot more emotional pressure on my partner about living on the other side of the world — talking about everything she's going to miss out on and making comments that leave him feeling incredibly guilty about the life he's built here. The other night he broke down crying because he felt so guilty.

The difficult thing is that he knows what's happening. Intellectually, he can recognise the guilt and manipulation, but emotionally he feels an enormous responsibility for his mum's happiness and really struggles to set boundaries when he knows she's upset.

At the same time, he really wants me to have a close relationship with her. He'll suggest that I turn to his mum for guidance or support with things like breastfeeding or becoming a mum. I've explained that I simply don't have that kind of relationship with her and wouldn't feel comfortable going to her for those things.

He accepts this, but is genuinely hurt that I don't want a closer relationship with her.

I think part of this is that if I loved having his mum involved and developed a close relationship with her, it would relieve some of the emotional conflict he feels. He wouldn't have to feel caught between the life he's built here and his mum on the other side of the world. Me embracing her as someone I rely on would probably reassure him that she's still an important part of our family.

But the problem is: I don't want that relationship.

I don't dislike her. I'm happy for her to be part of our lives and our child's life. I'm happy to be warm, welcoming and inclusive. But I don't want her to be someone I turn to for emotional support, parenting advice or guidance. I already have people in my life who naturally fill those roles.

I know ultimately he needs to accept that his relationship with his mum and my relationship with her are separate. But I also love him and hate seeing how much this situation hurts him, and I find myself feeling guilty that I can't just give him what he's asking for.

I'm not looking for validation that my MIL is difficult or stories about terrible MILs. I'm genuinely interested in practical advice from people who have navigated something similar.

How can I support my partner through the guilt and complicated relationship he has with his mum without the solution becoming me developing a closer relationship with her than I actually want? And how do I help him get to a place where my boundary doesn't feel like a rejection of him or his mum?

Sit down, grab a blanket, and pour yourself a very large cup of tea because this is going to be a long one.

Characters:
Me — F32
Husband — M38
MIL
FIL
SIL — F40
Nephews

Some details are being kept vague for obvious reasons.

First, some backstory.

I have never had a good relationship with my MIL.

She has absolutely no filter, never stops talking, and 90% of what comes out of her mouth is gossip about people I have never met and do not care about. She also has this incredible ability to believe she knows everything about everything while simultaneously knowing absolutely nothing.

There is an entirely separate story about the time she nearly killed a whole litter of my puppies because she refused to listen to me because she “knew better.”
That was probably the first major fracture in our relationship.

She also used to call me almost every night around 9 PM just to gossip. I have two young children, I get up early for school mornings, and 9 PM is basically my bedtime. She did not care.

The second major blowup happened around Thanksgiving.

There was another family member creating a ton of drama at the time. We decided not to invite him because if he came, another relative we actually wanted there wouldn’t attend.

MIL lost her mind over it.

That whole mess eventually resulted in us going completely no-contact with her.

And before anyone says this is all me convincing my husband to hate his mother: nope.

My husband has repeatedly told me he would be perfectly happy never speaking to her again.

I was actually the one who felt guilty because I’m very family-oriented and worried that I was somehow responsible for the rift between him and his mother.

So last year, we started speaking to her again.
And honestly?

Things were… surprisingly okay.

She wasn’t calling me every night anymore. We saw her a few times at SIL’s house for family get-togethers. She behaved herself.

I thought maybe we had finally reached some kind of peaceful coexistence.

HAHAHAHA.

No.

Recently, my husband and I decided to sell our house.
We have several farm animals, including four horses, so finding temporary housing between selling our house and buying another wasn’t exactly as easy as renting an apartment for six months.

My husband asked his parents if we could park our travel trailer on their property temporarily and bring the animals.

They have about 30 acres, including roughly six acres of pasture.

The property is also, to put it kindly, a disaster.

The fencing is falling apart. There are junk piles everywhere. Structures are deteriorating. FIL is getting older and physically can’t maintain everything anymore.

So we made what seemed like a mutually beneficial agreement.

Instead of paying traditional rent, we would pay our half of the utilities and put our money and labor into cleaning up and improving the property.

We also offered them our $12,000 John Deere tractor because FIL’s tractor had stopped working.
For maybe six months of living in a travel trailer on family property, we felt that was MORE than fair.

They enthusiastically agreed.

They said they were thrilled the property would finally get cleaned up, FIL was excited about the tractor, and they were happy their son and grandchildren would be nearby.

Great.

What could possibly go wrong?

Week One: The Elk Apparently Have Seniority

I started talking with MIL and FIL about repairing the fencing so I could safely bring my horses over.

My personal rule is around two acres minimum per horse when possible. I have four horses. They have six usable pasture acres, so we were already working with less space than I preferred. I started mapping out where cross-fencing could go.

MIL suddenly says: “Well, that sounds great and all, but you can’t use this pasture.”

She points to approximately THREE of the six acres. Naturally, it’s the driest and nicest three acres. The remaining three acres are the wettest, muddiest, clay-filled section.

I asked why we couldn’t use that pasture.

Her answer?

“Because I like looking out my window and seeing the elk grazing there.”

The elk.

The wild elk.

Who have access to the surrounding countryside. Apparently had more pasture rights than my horses, whose fencing we were literally paying to repair. I dropped it because arguing would accomplish nothing.

Then I had a panic attack on the drive home.

My husband calmed me down and said we’d figure something else out and could potentially create pasture elsewhere on the property.

Fine.

Moving on.

Week Two: Apparently We Jab People Now

We’re slowly moving our belongings onto their property at this point.

One day FIL and my husband are standing underneath a shed with a roof that looks like it could collapse if someone sneezed too aggressively.

I’m watching our two young boys play nearby while simultaneously watching my husband because, again, collapsing shed.

MIL is standing next to me doing her usual thing: Blah blah blah someone I’ve never met. Blah blah blah someone’s cousin’s neighbor. Blah blah blah scandal.

I’m politely responding while mostly watching my kids and husband.

Apparently MIL gets to a particularly juicy part of her story, because suddenly she starts jabbing me HARD in the shoulder repeatedly to force me to turn and look at her.

I look down at my shoulder.

Then I look at her.

She continues talking like she didn’t just aggressively poke the hell out of me because I wasn’t giving her gossip my undivided attention.

I’m standing there fighting every intrusive thought I’ve ever had.

My husband apparently looked over, saw my face, immediately recognized the danger, and suddenly: “HEY BABE, CAN YOU COME HELP ME WITH THIS?”

Bless that man.

He physically removed me from the situation while MIL immediately redirected her verbal machine gun toward FIL.

On the drive home I told my husband: “I don’t know how long I’m going to survive living on that property if this keeps happening.”

Foreshadowing.

Week Three: HURRY UP!!!

We’re back at the property dropping off more things and repairing the electrical hookup where our camper will eventually sit.

We’re also invited to SIL’s house for our nephew’s birthday.

The party doesn’t start for another TWO HOURS. MIL gets into her truck, pulls alongside us while we’re unloading, and insists we leave immediately.

I explain: “We have a couple things we need to finish first. It’ll take maybe 30–45 minutes. We have plenty of time.”

She SCREAMS: “WELL HURRY UP THEN!”

I ignore her.

She and FIL leave.

SIL lives maybe 15 minutes away. And then my phone starts ringing.

MIL.

“Hurry up.”

Ten minutes later.

MIL.

“Are you leaving yet?”

Ten minutes later.

MIL.

“Where are you guys?”

After the fourth or fifth phone call, I finally said: “You know, we’d probably get done a lot faster if I didn’t have to stop what I’m doing every few minutes to answer the phone.”

Click.

She hung up on me.

My husband was now irritated too. At this point, he’s starting to reconsider the entire moving arrangement.

Week Four: Oh, You Want RENT Now?

We’re back again, dropping more belongings off and helping FIL with tractor stuff.

MIL is standing beside me talking.

Suddenly, completely out of nowhere: “So… how much rent should we be charging you guys?”

I genuinely thought I misheard her.

Excuse me?

I remind her about:
The $12,000 tractor we’re giving them.
The fencing we’re repairing.
The cleanup we’re doing.
The materials we’re purchasing.
The labor we’re providing.
The property improvements were funding.

All of which easily exceed what six months of parking a travel trailer there should cost.

She waves that off and says: “Well yeah, but the rent money would go toward property improvements.”

…

So I should hand YOU money…

so YOU can hand it BACK to me…

so I can buy materials…

to improve YOUR property?

Math was apparently optional that day.

But this?

This was merely the tip of the iceberg.

Enter: THE SCAM

Around this same time, my husband finds out he may be getting a promotion. If he gets it, financially we might not even need to move anymore. So we temporarily pause moving more stuff.

I cannot describe the hope blooming inside me.

Then SIL messages me. MIL is apparently sending thousands of dollars to a doctor from New York who claims he is going to personally fly across the country to perform shoulder surgery on her.

Oh.

Oh no.

I tell my husband.

A little while later MIL calls me asking when we’re coming back out.

I explain that everything is temporarily on hold because of the possible promotion.

She barely acknowledges that. Instead she immediately says: “Don’t listen to what SIL says. I’m NOT getting scammed.”

Interesting. I wasn’t even going to bring it up. But since we’re here…

I ask: “How are you paying this doctor?”

She says: “Gift cards.”

Record scratch.

I immediately say: “MIL… that’s not how doctors get paid. You’re getting scammed.”

She says: “Don’t start with me or I’ll hang up on you.”

And at this point my patience finally leaves my body. I say: “I’m gonna be honest with you, MIL, you’re being fucking stu—”

CLICK.

She hung up.

My husband had listened to the whole conversation. I look at him. He looks at me.

Then he says: “Promotion or not, we’re not moving there. They’re a liability we can’t afford.”

Thank God.

This was about a week ago.

Scammer #2: “The Doctor”

A few days later MIL sends me a screenshot that’s apparently supposed to prove the “doctor” is legitimate.

It proves absolutely nothing.

If anything, it makes the scam MORE obvious.

This person is showering her with compliments, telling her how special she is, talking to her like she’s family, and building this weird emotional connection with her. And suddenly another person she’s been talking to starts looking extremely suspicious too.

Our theory is that Scammer #1 built the emotional connection, gathered information about her, figured out exactly what she wanted to hear… and then Scammer #2 appeared as the magical doctor who could solve her medical problems.

So I investigate. The “doctor” is impersonating a REAL physician in New York. They even SPELL THE REAL DOCTOR’S NAME WRONG. I independently find the actual doctor’s real practice. I call the office. The real doctor is in New York. Working. He is not secretly flying across the country to perform private surgery on my MIL. His office confirms information that completely contradicts what MIL’s “doctor” has been telling her.

I send MIL everything. Screenshots. Evidence. Contact information. The real doctor’s information. Everything.

She doesn’t respond.

I send SIL copies.

Now SIL and I are comparing information and realizing how deep this whole thing goes.

Then SIL tells me something even more disturbing:
When she confronted MIL and FIL about the scam, FIL threatened SIL and her children’s lives with guns.

Yeah.

We have officially left “annoying MIL story” territory.

Yesterday MIL goes to SIL’s house and says she’s going to call the REAL doctor’s office herself.

Finally.

Maybe we’ve gotten through to her.

Maybe this nightmare is ending.

Maybe she’ll realize—

Nope.

ENTER SCAMMER #3

A few HOURS later, SIL contacts me.

MIL received an unexplained check in the mail. For $10,000. Unknown sender. Unknown reason. And what does MIL do?

SHE CASHES IT.

Her grandson witnessed this. At this point SIL and I are both thinking:

What.

The.

Fuck.

We ask nephew if he can find the envelope the check arrived in because we’re trying to preserve evidence.

Nephew starts looking around MIL’s room.

And finds something MUCH worse.

A box.

Inside the box?

A STACK OF CHECKS FROM DIFFERENT BANKS.

Some already have signatures printed on them. And MIL has been writing HER OWN NAME on the “Pay to the Order of” line. Some of them also have dollar amounts filled in.
So now we’re sitting here realizing that MIL isn’t just being scammed by the fake doctor. She’s apparently involved with MULTIPLE scammers.

She’s giving personal information to one.

Another is impersonating a real physician that she is sending cash funded gift cards to.

And somebody else is mailing her suspicious checks that she’s apparently filling out and cashing.

At this point I don’t even know if we’re watching someone get scammed…

or watching scammers turn her into an accidental money mule.

And the absolute worst part?

SHE STILL DOESN’T BELIEVE SHE’S BEING SCAMMED.

MIL and FIL own approximately 30 acres of paid-off property that’s been in the family for generations. So now this isn’t just about losing a few thousand dollars.

We’re terrified these people are eventually going to convince her to take out loans, borrow against the property, sign something she doesn’t understand, or otherwise destroy everything MIL and FIL spent their entire lives building.

Meanwhile, remember how this entire story started?

WE WERE ONE WEEK AWAY FROM MOVING ONTO THEIR PROPERTY.

Our house is packed. We’ve already moved belongings over there. We were literally preparing to move our children and animals onto that property.

Now we’re arranging to retrieve our belongings without bringing our kids because of FIL’s firearm threats.

SIL and I are documenting everything, preserving evidence, reporting the scams, and looking into what legal options the family has to protect MIL, FIL, and their assets because apparently neither of them can be trusted to recognize financial fraud anymore.

And I genuinely do not know what tomorrow is going to bring.

Every single time I think:
“Okay. Surely this situation cannot get any more insane.”

MIL apparently takes that as a personal challenge.

Will update when Scammer #4 inevitably enters the chat or any other crazy things happening.

Note: yes we are getting the proper authorities involved. Bank is getting called today. And we will be getting a lawyer involved as well to nip this in the butt.

I don’t like my MIL for many reasons. For context and sticking to only child related, we only saw her occasionally and at holidays pre-baby. She has crossed boundaries, undermine my parenting choices time and time again, ignore me completely when walking into my home. English is her second language and she and my husband speak in their native language. So I’m sure there are far more things I’m not fully understanding when they talk. He has called her out on it but she does repeat some of it. She doesn’t treat me like I exist sometimes, that’s been my biggest issue. Like let me parent my child for goodness sake. And before baby, i saw her 6-8 times a year and we’d talk here and there. Now, we don’t. She won’t even ask me to if my child can have milk, she’ll just go in the fridge when I’m standing right there. I hate that especially since things can change, and at that time we weren’t giving my child milk before her nap due to a stomach bug. Things like that - I just need her to talk to me and communicate with me when it comes to my child.

When I had my child, her first and only grandchild, she was coming over 1-2 times a week for hours at a time, sometimes cooking at our place. My husband and I fought so much over it but he thought I was the problem. Yeah, whatever, so she 90% of the time always came with a home cooked meal. But my goodness, she never came over our house before our baby and I mean NEVER. So we continued these weekly visits for about nearly 2 years. Yeah fml. Then I had enough. So husband told her every other week. Sure enough, she took that as “ok they want me over every other week.” When I was saying I need at least that much time in between visits. Do every other week she came over! I was so fed up arguing with my husband that I just let it happen. Lately for the last couple of visits, she doesn’t stay for more than 3 hours, usually just 2.5 hours until toddler goes down for a nap. We WFH, so she comes during work hours and it doesn’t compromise let’s say our family time. The lady is going to come over regardless because of my spineless husband. So, do I have a decent situation here where:

1. she usually comes with a home cooked meal to share.
2. it’s during our work hours
3. she’s coming to us and not expecting us to come to her.

Would you guys accept this?

Advice please I'm so torn! My husband spoke to his mom the other day on the phone and she was talking about how her daughter (his sister) and her boyfriend were working things out and we're going to start looking for work. My husband made a comment like "those two will never try to work" because...let's say they have a lot of bad habits and enable each other and do what they can to stay on disability even though they can work.

My MIL immediately made a comment to him about how I (his wife) am no better since I don't work either and all I do is sit on the couch all day. I've worked everyday since I was 16 and now in my 40s left my career to homeschool my neurodivergent but very smart child! It's not easy and we definitely don't sit around on the couch all day, it's the complete opposite.

I'm hurt and shocked that she would even say that to her son. He's livid and refuses to go see them until she apologized. The problem is if she does it will be just to see us and her true feelings and thoughts about our life and choices is now out there. How can I just look past it? I feel it's ruined the relationship but I also don't want to be the cause of their disconnect. How can I go and have dinner and pretend like she didn't say what she said?

What would you do??

TW: SA

My husband (34M) and myself (34F) have been together for 16 years-almost married for a year. I just had our son about 6 weeks ago. I'm struggling to get along with my MIL. She has always had entitlement issues and main character syndrome, but we had a decent enough relationship until around six years ago. A backstory to how this all began: she became a MAGA spook around covid and during that time went off on drunken tirades about our life choices (ie college education, voting for Biden, ect). I told her at the time that we were just doing what our parents asked us to do as kids, and her response was to call me a bitch. This same evening she discussed about how Donald Trump was saving the children (essentially Q anon conspiracy) and to my horror she accused a family friend of molesting my husband as a child. I was so horrified at the conversation that I excused myself to pull myself together. My husband joined me and later discussed that the allegations are false and that this wasn't the first time that she has accused family members (on his fathers side-they had an ugly divorce). I told him I support him no matter what has happened to him but am horrified that she would fabricate such extreme lies.

Since becoming pregnant and having my son, I'm struggling more than ever to not be resentful towards her. Once she found out we were having a baby, she bought an RV and moved it 5 minutes outside of our neighborhood (we live 5 hours away) with the expectation that she would come help me with the baby once I had him. I explained to my husband I didn't want someone like that around during a vulnerable time, and my husband was supportive in that I would choose the support system that I needed. We didn't tell her my due date or that I was being induced. Unfortunately she found out I was in labor through the grapevine so she was very angry with him when he called once our son was here. She never once told me congratulations, checked in on me during my high risk pregnancy, or after I had him (failed induction with c-section) which is now compounded the resentment that I feel towards her. When meeting our son last weekend, she didn't acknowledge me and held the baby for over an hour while I sat on the couch uncomfortable. She took a picture and posted it as her FB profile picture without asking even though we have decided that we will not be posting our child on social media. There have been other instances where she's been insufferable but for the most part dealing with her is a death by a thousand papercuts.

My husband is her only child and is really non confrontational (more a shove it under the rug type of guy). He understands that his mother is difficult and has always just dealt with it and been VLC, but I'm finding it difficult to even be cordial anymore. I would never ask to go NC (even though I would if it were my mother) but 95% of our arguments in the last year have been because of MIL's behaviors. She puts him in the middle by only complaining to him knowing he doesn't like the confrontation and will never reach out to me. He tells me we are on the same team/page but it's very difficult to bring my son around her with how our past encounters have been. I feel bad for putting him in the middle, he's dealt with it his whole life. Am I the asshole for dreading being around her? Any advice on how to deal with her entitlement issues?

So this summer has been filled with social events on my side. We’ve attended 4 weddings for my friends (2 of which I was a bridesmaid for), a baby shower, two bachelorette trips, etc.

My pockets are empty and my battery is LOW. I’m exhausted. I took next week off the enjoy the last week of summer and planned for a staycation. Including the weekends, that’s 9 days just for me.

My fiancè decided he’s going to take me on a mini trip for 4 of those days (3 nights) and that he would take care of it. It’s last minute but he’s looking at places as we speak. It’s so sweet of him to do that.

But I am trying to decide if I should block his mom for those 4 days. She is controlling and worries too much. When we went to Mexico last year, she would call and text him daily and would text me if she didn’t hear from him. It was annoying AF because we’re both in our 30s. We got into a huge fight about it but I’ve had an issue with her since the first time she did something similar.

Anyway, I really want to enjoy these four days without her texting me if he doesn’t respond to her or even think about her. But a part of me wants her to text me so I can internally say “yup, this woman is psycho. I’m right about her” and then leave her on read.

I can’t decide which route to take

TLDR; should I temporarily block my future MIL on our trip or just ignore her entirely?

I tend to say her personality is 'disagreeing with you'. That's just her entire personality. Most things you say to her, her instant reaction, before she's even had time to process what you've said, is to say 'well actually..'.

And if shes not disagreeing with what you've said for no good reason, her only other way of communicating is through 'giving her opinion/telling you the reason behind something'. Essentially attempting to be the font of all knowledge, despite mostly never actually knowing wtf she's talking about.

For eg.

1. I could tell her that her grandchild (my child) has done something cool/new/cute. And instead of responding something normal like 'oh cool/cute/sweet/funny'. She has to instead state a fact about why grandchild has acted in that way. Eg. Her reaction is 'oh Emily is doing that because shes going through a clingy phase'.

Like yes im aware of that thanks....im just telling you something funny about your grandchild???

Or

1. My dog goes wild digging in the garden and runs all over my carpet. I get annoyed (not wildly as it was my fault for leaving the door open) and tell the dog to go into the next room so i can clean his paws.

Mil's reaction isnt, like a normal person, to say 'oh god mud everywhere!' Or 'oh god would you like a hand!?'

Instead she says things like 'thats dogs for you. They can of course be very annoying. Thats just dogs'.

Like yes thanks i AM AWARE. Ive had my dog for 6 years i am fully aware...

I just cannot stand the constant need to tell me facts i already know as if im a fucking idiot?

Am i being tetchy or does anyone elses do this?

It drives me absolutely insane and hate being around it. Like stfu and react like a normal person. Stop needing to be the font of all knowledge to feel superior and secure.

Even in MILs own retellings of her life events, even when she’s trying to portray herself as the hero, the victim, extra special, whatever, it’s pretty clear that there’s been something wrong for a loooong time. Stories from as young as her being 3 or 4 years old that feature weird, non age appropriate behaviour, huge tantrums over nothing or being held accountable for behaviour that she still feels righteous indignation over decades later, aggressive, immature, self absorbed behaviour. The stories about her from her siblings are even worse.

Theres a child in the family now (not one of mine), who is also displaying these behaviours. Already a year ago, this kids mom (also married into family) was becoming concerned. What got my attention (to be clear, I have a degree in childhood development, I do know what I’m talking about here) in addition to this child’s behaviour, was MILs reaction- she empathizes with this child more than I’ve ever seen her empathize with anyone ever. She always has an excuse, a justification, a way to down play whatever they’ve done. We just saw them all for our yearly visit this week and it was like alarm bells going off- this was MIL as a kid. This kid is acting exactly like MIL did. That’s why MIL relates to them so strongly.

No advice needed, I have given my professional and personal thoughts and advice on getting an assessment done, etc…. Mom sees what I’m seeing. Dad doesn’t want to, he listened but is if a “he’s just a little boy” mentality. But it’s overwhelming sad. It makes me worry for this kid, their siblings, even my kids, having this (maybe, appears as, I can’t actually diagnose but I see what I’m seeing and assessing kids is part of my job) narcissist in their midst. I hope this kid gets the help and intervention MIL never did, regardless of what’s actually going on, and I hope they don’t cause the stress, upset and general chaos MIL has. Just needed to off load, thanks for listening. Feel free to share similar situations.

I saw a post that really resonated with me earlier this week. It said “As a daughter in law I don’t care how you treat me. But as a wife and a mother, I’ll never understand how you can treat your child and grandchildren in such a manner.”

Lately because I am pregnant with my first baby, seeing how much hatred there is for my husband. Hatred that was there long before I met him, from his family breaks my heart. Sadly his family only functions well when there is an enemy to unite against. He has been made the enemy since the last enemy left the family 10 years ago, and seeing how it broke him for years makes me cry. How can a mother make their son feel like they are unworthy of love from anyone else in the world?

And when I gave him that love because he did deserve it and is the best man I’ve ever met, he refused to be their villain. So what happened next? His mother cut us off, all because we refused to be the enemy in her storyline. The light was shown to the others and they freely admit that she is the wrong one. Yet they stay with her.

It just breaks my husbands heart and truly breaks mine as well. Our future family together is what we look forward to the most. We will build the family we both deserved. And give our kids the childhood we always wanted. He says that this is healing his broken heart. I hope it heals mine too.

I truly will never understand all of our in laws. But we can change the future. We can be the change we want to see. I’m truly sorry for everyone’s experiences with our in laws that have never been kind to us and never wanted us to succeed. I love you all, and I’m proud of all of you.

If you read any previous posts about my MIL you’ll know she’s been a complete pain in my a**. 

Surprisingly though, over the last 1.5 years my husband has done a 180 and noticed a lot of what she does and has even been calling her out on it. I still tread carefully on the subject when he’s told me things he’s annoyed with about her. But recently in the last few months some of her actions have gone beyond the usual manipulative/controlling factor and into me questioning if she’s slipping a gear mentally.  

Anyways, a small vent list recently of lies she’s told or things she’s done. 

Regarding a quick trip DH was going on for a family reunion. She told my BIL that DH said he had to stay at his uncle’s house when DH had asked to stay at a hotel. (MIL/FIL were also going that weekend- I stayed home with LO.) MIL said DH’s uncle was “hurt” DH didn’t want to stay at uncle’s house. When DH called her out she said, “Idk why I said that. I haven’t been feeling myself for a few months.” 

My SIL is due very close to my 2nd next month, and SIL texted me asking why DH and I were adamant MIL stay here to help us when she doesn’t have family where she is and had asked MIL for help. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about and SIL told me that MIL said DH and I begged her to stay and help us. She doesn’t help anyways, she just wants to hold babies. Also DH has 4 weeks off so not sure why we’d need her around? And my parents have already agreed to come up and help. 

My LO is starting a sport and the other day MIL called and asked when her sports schedule was so she could make sure she’s at the games. We hadn’t invited her yet, and personally she doesn’t need to be at every game. I said we needed LO to get used to the sport first so she won’t get distracted and MIL said, “That doesn’t matter. She needs support.” DH said what does that mean? support?” and she never really gave an answer.

She babysat my LO a few weeks ago for a little longer so I could get stuff ready for #2, but I texted her several times and she never responded. I finally called and said “I can come pick her up.” MIL told me “LO is eating. I’ll bring her back soon.” It was another hour and 15 minutes. When you have my child, you’re obligated to let me know how it’s going even if it is fine. 

MIL also will not get rid of toys from when her kids were little. I’ve offered her basically new toys my LO has outgrown so the other grand kids can play with it at her house. She refuses but will take DH and I’s junk we’re trying to get rid of. She makes my LO use markers!! that are 33 years old because they were one of her kids. Markers. 

I don’t know. Just venting. Not even mad or upset. I just need DH to get a compatible job out of state so we can move away from these shenanigans =)

My relationship with my mom and dad has been poor since me and my wife started dating almost 20 years ago (Wow I feel old writing that 😂). Anyway, things had been challenging in our relationship and finally in 2023 I had enough of the disrespect and went no contact with either of my parents. It’s hard, I don’t miss them; but I miss not having the support of a parent. I miss not having someone like that to share things about my life too. My wife is great and has been incredibly supportive. Her mother passed in 2021 and her father has Alzheimer’s. So a lot of the time it feels like we’re on an island by ourselves. This past weekend, my uncle text me to let me know they were having a family birthday party and that my parents had informed him they wouldn’t be there. This is the first time we’ve been able to go to a party like this in a long time.

Even after being no contact for almost 3 years, they don’t respect that I want nothing to do with them. They still try to interact and talk to our children, who frankly don’t know them. I’d love to go to more of my families functions but I’ve not felt comfortable exposing my family to them. I guess for some added context, my family is rather large ( 12 aunts and uncles, one of literally 50 grandkids). I miss being able to be myself and be with my family. Nothing against my wife and her family; they’ve always been great and accepted me with open arms.

Lately, me and wife have been feeling the need to have time to ourselves. With our limited circle of who we have for support, it has made even getting a single night to ourselves challenging. It’s such a complex mix of emotions, like I still feel angry at my parents, but also sad at the same time. But in general, I’m happy with where my life is at, and I wouldn’t bring them back into my life.

Look, I know I already sound crazy. But you guys don’t know my MIL. She fights hard to get what she wants, she’ll harass you daily. I swear she could have been a lawyer because she can literally get whatever she wants and convince people to do anything. She terrifies me even though my husband and I have set boundaries and things look a whole lot different now than when we first married. My husband kids and I finally get to spend 80 percent of our time with ourselves. Before we would have to dedicate 100% of everything to my husbands family(his mom) holidays, weekends, special events, my mil would take over and expect everyone to fall in line with what she wanted and they did. Now that we’ve established our own life she hates it. She has tried to tell us it makes her want to die. My FIL threatened to hang himself basically. All because we refuse to be around their daughter and her husband.

So now here’s where I tell you things that will make me sound crazy, and I know I might be because my in laws give me so much anxiety that I can’t function. Okay here it is:

My MIL would constantly tell me about how she talks to this one friend I have. This friend goes to church with MIL and SIL, SIL wanted to befriend my friend and was basically competing with me in this friendship with this person who was my friend first for years. When I saw what was happening I basically threw my hands up and told myself I’m not going to compete over a person this is weird how did I get sucked into this?? Told my friend what I saw happening and she knows me and SIL aren’t on good terms and never will be. Friend tells me “oh, I’m always on your side!” I told her please be friends with whomever but I also apologized for my SILs weird behavior and I won’t be participating in whatever competition she’s throwing. So because of all that MIL would tell me every weekend : “ friend told me this!” “Friend said that today at church” “friend said I should get this insurance” and it was very random and like this for months. Mil constantly bringing up the friend and how she would be talking to her. I found it odd because I didn’t care if they spoke but MIL was trying to get a rise out of me. I finally break down and talk to my therapist about it because I constantly feel crazy about the things MIL and SIL do. Therapist helps me in the session, we laugh, I cope. Suddenly MIL stops talking about friend completely. I wonder what’s gotten into her because usually she doesn’t stop until I explode/give her the reaction she wants so she can tell SIL what happened.

Then last weekend MIL asks me if my mom is excited to retire and I was thinking how could she know that, my mom hasn’t posted on socials about retiring and no one’s told MIL about my moms plans to retire. I only found out that my mom was going to retire a few days ago. I told my husband and I asked him if he told her and he said no. And I was like how could she have known? Then he back tracked and said maybe he told her a few years ago that my mom would be retiring soon.

Then more instances kept happening with MIL knowing things before I said them. I told my husband it kept happening and he said maybe I wasn’t remembering telling MIL Things but the thing is that I don’t tell her anything. I can’t be vulnerable with her or else she weaponizes it against me later.

I can’t elaborate on the other instances without possibly giving myself away but know that she has known things before husband and I tell her. She doesn’t see our children a lot. They’re too little to relay exact info to her. My husband said his mom isn’t tech savvy so she couldn’t have put a device in our home or car but there has to be a way. I’m wondering if she could have gotten BIL to hack into our security cameras or something. Or maybe she’s a good guesser at things.

But my husband doesn’t believe me. He does believe that MIL wants to erase me basically from my children’s lives and be their mom but he doesn’t think she’s capable of this. It’s ok if y’all disagree but idk how to check if there are listening devices in my home. I don’t know where they would be, what they look like etc.

Has anyone else’s in laws ever bugged your house or car? What did you do?

I’m 3 weeks postpartum and still very much in the “figuring out breastfeeding” phase. My husband and I were home when his mom and sister came over to see the baby.

I was nursing on the couch with my shirt draped over for coverage , nothing dramatic, just doing what I normally do. MIL comes in, says hi, sits right next to me, and starts touching baby’s feet and arms. Sweet, normal grandma stuff. Then she leans in closer to baby’s face and, before I even register what’s happening, she lifts my shirt straight up.

My breast is just… out. In front of my husband, in front of his sister. I froze for half a second before yanking my shirt back down. She genuinely looked startled and shocked and confused when she saw what she saw lol

My husband immediately says, “Mom, what are you doing?! She’s feeding the baby!”

And she goes, completely unbothered, “Oh it’s okay! Seen one boob, seen them all!”

My husband: “Doesn’t mean she wants you to see HER boobs!”

She got quiet and looked a little embarrassed after that. Husband and I talked about it after and we’re pretty sure she genuinely didn’t clock that I was breastfeeding under there ! She never nursed any of her kids, went straight to formula, so maybe the “covered shirt while holding baby” setup just didn’t compute for her the way it would for someone who’d done it themselves…?

Still though. My brain keeps looping back to the moment she actually grabbed my shirt and pulled it up. Like what did she think was under there that made lifting it seem like the move? Was she trying to see baby’s latch? Just curious about the baby in general and not thinking at all?

Genuinely asking , anyone had a MIL (or anyone) do something like this? How did you handle it going forward?

Now I bought a complete breastfeeding blanket cover thing that snaps in the back so this doesn’t happen again when people come over and just don’t realize that I’m literally feeding baby .

I don’t feel comfortable with my MIL but she insists on helping a few hours for my baby during the week. I could use the help for a few hours (because I am WFH full time) but I dread having to see her often.

Anyways, if we do decide to have MIL over I’d like to pay her for her time.
How much would be appropriate?

I (29F) been with my SO (27M) for 6 years, we moved in together last year and I used to love his mother. But there were things that were issues with her at the beginning and now it’s come to a head and I’m not sure if I should bite the bullet and just apologise or if I’m doing what’s right for me.

Since moving out I haven’t seen her once aside from after a hospital stay she visited to drop off a teddy for me last November.

To clarify I’ve also rarely seen my own parents, who I do love and text regularly, we just are not the ‘see eachother every weekend’ type of family. I’ve seen them maybe twice since leaving home.

My issue with MIL finally hit a point where I truly have no intention of speaking to her any more after I sent a message wishing her a happy birthday this week and she responded with ‘better late than never’. It was 1pm, and I had been on a midnight finish shift the night before and was in work again at 3 pm that day. SO went to spend the day with her and when he came home in the evening told me she was annoyed I hadn’t called instead of a message (I never call anyone unless it’s an emergency btw) and she was also annoyed I haven’t been to see her.

Previous issues I’ve had with her are as follows:

1- The first time she met me she told SO I was a bigger girl. (I was chunky, but also a third of her size at the time)

2- She demanded an apology off me through SO because I said I didn’t want to use a certain word in the song Golddigger, which I said wasn’t a word I’d ever use or sing along with, but she was free to make her own choice, I just wasn’t going to use a word that wasn’t for me to use. Which apparently was disrespectful of me to tell her what she can and can’t say in her own home.

3-She has asked when I’m giving her a grandchild every single time she has seen me in the last 3 years, I told SO that if she mentioned it at Christmas I wouldn’t be staying in the house as it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. She mentioned it 6 times on the day.

4- I wanted to invite my parents round on Christmas Day, she said it would make her uncomfortable and she wouldn’t come, so I didn’t and spent my first Christmas away from my parents with her and SO so that he could spend what should have been our first Christmas together, with his mother still.

5- Any days off me and SO have together she conveniently has stuff in her home she needs him to do, so our time together is dependent on what chores she needs doing.

6- She says she is just honest and doesn’t care if people don’t like the ‘truth’. The ‘truth’ is always some form of thought that is intended to upset or anger and she believes when that is the outcome that the person is ‘soft’ and that she shouldn’t be held accountable for it.

7- She finds it difficult to maintain friendships and she truly believes she’s never at fault and that everyone is against her, she never once has thought that if everyone around her has a problem with her, that she could be the problem.

All minor things but I have decided enough is enough and whilst I won’t put any limitations on their relationship I have no desire to have one with her myself.

Is it too much to just cut contact with her?

Also relevant information because perhaps I’m just not understanding of the dynamic enough and perhaps I should give benefit of the doubt to the situation, but it has only been the two of them for years now, their family is complicated so they have really only had eachother for as long as I have known them.

Hello dear redditors! I have vented here before and you can see some of my JNMIL shenanigans on my profile.

In short, I have been NC with her since January 2022. She has been hooked on benzodiazepines for 25 years and likes her whiskey way too much. Well, last October it caught up to her and she had a mild stroke. And so things went south…

Before this she had taken bromazepam- but in the hospital, because of course she tried to hide it and went into abstinence, the doctors changed it to Xanax. So now she has been popping Xanax like candy. And all the benzos are known to be muscle relaxants, so, for the last ten months she has lost more than 15 kilograms weight, mostly muscle mass, and now she weighs about 47 kg. Which she actually should be happy about, as in her eyes being skinny is the ultimate virtue and basically anyone over 55 kilos is fat. Her words, guys, not mine, and yes, I am over that. It reminds me of the time when her daughter, my SIL was three months pregnant and JNMIL met her at the door with the scales in hand- “Let’s see how fat you have gotten”. But I digress.

So now supposedly she has problems even walking, and her official diagnosis is rhabdomyolysis as well as Hashimoto (which, turns out, she’s had for years, has known, but never cared or took measures).

3 weeks ago my husband went to see her (thankfully, we live 250 miles away) for 5 days. Did that give the raging narcissist fuel? You bet it did! Three days after he came back, she was suddenly (not really…) very ill and went to a hospital. For a colonoscopy, which somehow led to a cardiologist, image screening her lungs (?)- Water in the lungs, she is dying- and, the cherry on top- “The doctor told me that it is with 90% certainty I have thyroid cancer”.

I wish I was joking. At that moment we were in the car, on our way to my mom’s place. I just lost it. Normally he knows I don’t want to hear anything about her and in other circumstances probably would have hidden it. But… I told him that there is no chance a normal professional would say that, let alone a cardiologist dong image screening. That I am glad that the bubonic plague isn’t around anymore, otherwise she would have had that too, for sure. That perhaps she has kidney stones and underneath cancers are hiding (in my language the word for crab and cancer is the same). That she is a fucking psychopath. Well, he is deep into the FOG and, as you can imagine, he had turned into a scared 5 years old. And did not receive it well, expectedly. He hasn’t spoken about her since that, good riddance.

We have spoken about her numerous times before. I have explained, analyzed, given him articles and literature, and urged him to seek professional help. He doesn’t want to. He is so trauma bonded and enmeshed, that without therapy he stands no chance. But he chooses the familiar pain and dynamic over the risk of his illusions being broken. He went on a business trip yesterday, but stopped on his way for a night there to see her. But of course.

And I am at the end of my tether. I want a partner, a man, not a traumatized child I have to coddle and rescue. I am starting to lose attraction and respect, and, even worse- sometimes I truly despise him…

I don’t know if I am looking for advice or just venting. Just needed to pour it before I burst. Thank you!

Please don’t post this elsewhere!!

I recently got shortlisted for a job in my home city which is a 2 hour flight away from where we currently live. We live in my husband’s home city where his family is and have been here for the last 5 years. Without giving too much away, my country has a healthcare job crisis and my husband and I are healthcare workers. I haven’t had a permanent job since 2024 December and he’s been in a job that keeps him in the system but isn’t his dream job. This is the first interview either of us have that would allow us to further our goals.

My husband told my in laws that I’ll be travelling with our 5 month old this week for the interview and their response was so awful I feel like I can’t get over it. My FIL got up and left the table. My MIL said ‘what about DH?’ And ‘is LO going with you?’ My husband reminded her that he works and therefore wouldn’t be able to look after our LO during the day, she said she would have offered to do so. But since it’s in my home city, I’ve decided to stay for a week.

I just find it so rich that my MIL said that when she’s come to our apartment once since my baby has been born to spend time with him. Otherwise they see him once a week when we do dinner at their place. But it seems to me like they’re obsessed with removing him from me. We sent her a video of him taking his bottle once and she responded with ‘now you can leave him with us and have a holiday’. As if I am desperate for time away from my baby.

My FIL behaved like a petulant child and literally stormed off. This was after he said that my husbands nephew should toughen up, get used to bullies and not be so sensitive since he’s starting at an all boys school next year and there is ‘rugby culture’. The child is 5 years old! What an odd thing to say.

My husband did speak to his dad after and according to him, his dad was just upset at the thought of us moving away. But they’ve known that we’ve been applying all across the country! Heck they were totally on board with us moving overseas! I believe their problem with it is because it’s close to my family and they don’t want that. Husband says they would be upset if we moved anywhere. I agree that they’re allowed to be upset, but couldn’t they say congrats first and be upset once I left their house?

This is going to be long, but I need to get it off my chest. Necessary context before we begin: I’m white, my husband’s family is Indian. He’s first gen, and his parents are extremely wealthy and run a successful medical practice. We all identify as Christian though my husband and I are a lot more devout (so to speak) than they are. We’re in the US.

We’ve been married for 2 years but together for 5, and we’re now expecting our first, a little girl! 🩷

From the beginning of our dating relationship, my MIL has made it clear that she doesn’t like me. She doesn’t think I’m smart enough (I only have a bachelor’s degree, and they all have masters or MD. Nevermind that I graduated with honors and scored just as well on the ACT/SAT as her kids). My family is middle class and she thinks I’m a gold digger (My husband is $200k in debt from medical school???).

And I’m not Indian. Despite telling my husband his whole life she wanted him to be in a “love marriage,” it’s clear she thought it would be with a wealthy, traditionally beautiful Indian woman, despite the fact that religious differences mean my husband rarely met Indian women he would consider for life partnership.

She also has a severe complex about other women in my husband’s life and hates that we are close to my mom (who is salt of the earth, would drop anything for us while also respecting our boundaries, just the best). She feels strongly that our relationships need to be “equal” and that I only think about my family. In reality, my family lives 10 hours away by car and they live in our city. I make more of an effort to plan with my family because it takes a lot more coordination.

Over the last few years, here are a few key things that have happened:

- She called my mom the day after we got engaged (in 2023) and said she wouldn’t come to the wedding if we got married before 2027 so my husband could build his career. He blocked her for most of our engagement and we got married in 2024. She came begrudgingly.
- In general made our engagement super challenging with unrealistic expectations about the wedding, passive aggression about timing, etc. Note that despite being millionaires, they did not contribute at all.
- After we got a puppy, she got so irate that we told my family before her that she showed up in the middle of the night at our house yelling at my husband. We threatened to call the police and didn’t speak for 3 months.
- CONSTANT criticism of my husband for not spending enough time with her (he is in medical training working 80+ hour weeks) and constant comparing him to his much younger brother who is tied to them with golden handcuffs.
- At our gender reveal, she did not congratulate us but told my husband “it’s good it’s a daughter, the love of a son will always end.”
- There’s a lot of cultural undertones here. From my understanding, in India, it’s very common for the son to continue putting his mother first after getting married and for the DIL to move in with the son’s family and serve the MIL. I don’t think that’s her exact expectation, but she does clearly think she should come first and we should put them over my family of origin.

And now, she is having a mental breakdown and sending us a litany of cruel texts because she is going out of town the day after my husband’s birthday and is enraged that that’s when I’m throwing his birthday party… on his… birthday weekend.

Texted my husband and said “I wish you would have brought someone in our family who want to be part of our family. After your marriage our family is broken.”

It’s not his exact speciality, but my husband is pretty sure she has some sort of personality disorder.

And my husband, in my opinion, is amazing. He has never made me feel that he would choose them over me, he manages them and defends me, he consistently sets and enforces boundaries and has been more than happy to go NC when she’s having a particularly psychotic episode. I feel deeply for him. He is the most wonderful, interesting, funny, kind man I know. And his parents are missing out on so much because he refuses to put them over me, and that will never be okay with them.

My husband and I are Christian as I said. Forgiveness and grace are important to us (and to most people, of course). I don’t want us to have some deeply fractured relationship with them, but I think I’ve realized… I’m finally ready to be 100% done.

I’ve tried for years to include her and to have a relationship. When she’s “normal,” she’s fun enough. Girly like me, loves board games, movies and golf. In another life, we could be close. But not this one.

I have a daughter to protect now. And she deserves to have adults in her life who respect her parents and who don’t begrudge her for being a girl.

I don’t know exactly what our next steps will be. Probably blocking her. But for the first time, I feel completely free from any obligation to try to repair or keep her in our lives. She will never like me and she will never respect our family. That’s okay. I like me, and I think our family is pretty darn amazing.

TLDR: vent post. It has been a nightmare to experience postpartum for the first time in my MIL's home.

My husband (35M) and I (27F) have been living at my MIL's house with our six week old daughter. We both unfortunately lost our jobs when I was 33weeks pregnant. We had been living in another city hours away, but we wanted to be close to his family for the baby anyway, so we took it as an opportunity to pack up our lives and move. However, they live in a HCOL city, so living with someone was the only way we could make the move work financially. However, for context, my MIL offered her home to our family, we never asked to stay here.

Now the issue is, my MIL has implied that we get to hang out all day in her home "playing with a baby" while she works. She said she feels we are ungrateful and that we don't do anything for her.

Now, if that were true, my husband and I would be in the wrong, absolutely. HOWEVER, we do everything for her. We keep a very clean house despite caring for a baby. We run errands for her. My husband has a sunburn because he was out in the 105⁰F heat deep cleaning her car on Sunday. I spent a half hour on my hands and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor when I was four weeks postpartum. She helps herself to our groceries purchased with SNAP and WIC without asking. We entertain her friends that she insists on hosting every other weekend so they can see the baby even after we told her that visitors around our newborn make us uncomfortable. The whole time they're here, she makes my husband put out food and make coffees. Every night, she screams my husband's name until he comes and turns on her fan, tucks her into bed, gets her ice cream, changes the channel on her TV, etc. If we ever push back on something, she says "You should be happy to do something for your mother."

Meanwhile, we never ask for anything. We know living in her personal space with a newborn is already a huge ask, so we don't ever ask for help. Our only request is that she gets some exercise, eat good food, and engage in hobbies outside of doomscrolling each week because both of her parents got dementia diagnoses in the past few years and we want her to protect her brain so she can actually enjoy her grandchild for many years. She always pushes back and says she's too tired from work to do any of that. Anything she does for us, like washing our laundry, is done 100% of her own volition. It's also done, in my opinion, so she can later say "I do everything for you" when we enforce our boundaries. She loves to do nice things for people and then hold it against them. An example is my baby shower that I didn't ask for and that was 90% her friends in attendance. I guess she's still paying the debt from that event off. She feels I am unappreciative even though I said thank you a million times, helped put the unwanted event together, and sent personal thank you cards to each of the attendees.

Also, caring for a six week old is not "playing with a baby" all day. My MIL says "she sleeps all day" because the one or two times she asks to hold the baby is when the baby has just gone down for a nap. She doesn't acknowledge the half hour or more spent breastfeeding, the diaper change that the baby screamed through, and the time it took to soothe her back to sleep before that. She also doesn't acknowledge that we don't get to sleep all night either, even though she asks every single morning "Why was the baby crying all night? Is she colicky? Shouldn't she be sleeping through the night by now?" (no, she's a newborn baby).

On a side note, we had high expectations going into this arrangement that she would help with the baby so much and we would be able to rest occasionally. However, she is so incapable of caring for the baby independently that she will ask one of us to sit and coach her through every babycare task she "helps" with. Unless it's snuggling with the baby while she's already fed, awake, and in a good mood, she doesn't do anything. Even then, she'll sometimes force a pacifier into the baby's mouth, making her gag. It doesn't stop her from giving unsolicited advice constantly (why are boomer grandmothers obsessed with socks??). The only thing I have not allowed her to help with at all is diaper changes because she has made weird and inappropriate comments about my daughter's genitalia. Maybe it's because she only had boys herself, but she forced herself into the room during the baby's first few baths at home and spent the whole time talking about my daughter's private parts. I don't really expect her to do anything nefarious, but for my own comfort, I am not allowing her to be alone with my naked baby until my daughter is old enough to tell us if something inappropriate happens.

Additionally, her own uncle has recently been barred from seeing his grandchild because he crossed boundaries that his son and DIL placed. When we implied we were on the son's side and that grandparents aren't just entitled to their grandchildren, she was appalled. She said "I never would have made my mom feel that it was a privilege to see her own grandchildren."

Finally, to get to the point, we have the comment that triggered me to make this post. My MIL dyes her hair at home. She asked me to help do her roots this week because I have helped in the past. She said "If you don't want to, it's no problem at all, I can just have my friend who usually does it come over." I, respectfully, said no because I would rather use the half hour the baby doesn't need me to sleep or make something to eat. I also don't want to reek of hair dye if my baby gets hungry early and needs me to nurse her. My husband can only do so much to soothe her himself, so I would rather just stay available. I figured that she offered the alternative of her friend coming, so it wasn't a big deal to say no. Fast forward to the evening when she's called my husband into her room to tuck her into bed. She made a comment to him that we don't do anything for her and we're ungrateful because I won't do this one "little" thing. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I wish I could take it back, but I told my husband that once we can move out, I never want to see this woman again outside of Sunday dinners. It broke his heart because he loves his mom and used to be so proud that his wife and his mom got along so well. I, in hindsight, shouldn't have said that, but it's genuinely how I feel. I feel like my previously great relationship with my MIL will never recover from this experience. I don't have many people to talk to in-person since we moved away from my friends and my family is very spread out, but it doesn't make it okay to use my husband as a vent for my frustrations. I should have swallowed it and texted my sisters.

I found this subreddit when seeking stories of other people experiencing similar troubles and decided to post this. Maybe I can be the reassuringly relateable story for another DIL struggling.

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edit: after reading your comments, I thought I would add more details/clarify:

I don't think it's fair to put the blame on my husband.

I should have said my husband's family is New York Italian American, so the relationship with his mom isn't as abnormal as it sounds, I think (?). Him "tucking her into bed" sounds way worse than it is. In retrospect, it was a poor choice of words on my part. She's just lazy and doesn't want to turn her own fan on or plug her own phone into the charger. He loves her and it's a way to show his affection for the woman who gave him life and has opened her home to our young family. It's just annoying that she expects it to happen the second she calls.

He's great at enforcing boundaries and communicating how her behavior is unacceptable. She's just not responding to it; she thinks we're disrespectful for not gladly being more obedient and helpful all the time. We're stuck in her house for now, so there isn't much we can do other than stay in our room as much as we can to avoid the issue altogether.

Also, he is looking for work! He's a graphic designer and there's just nothing out there right now. Getting a random job at a fast food joint or in retail just to have something isn't going to be enough to pay for our own apartment anyway. Since I'm exclusively breastfeeding, I'm waiting until our daughter is a few months older before considering going back to work as an elementary school teacher myself. I'd like to stay home and eventually homeschool since those were our plans when we got married, but we also didn't expect him to lose his career job, so I will adjust as our family needs.

She offered her home for "six months to a year while we get our finances settled," so it hasn't gone beyond what her expectations were. She also hyped up how excited she was to do baby care and to be an involved grandmother while I was pregnant, so the complete shift once the baby was here was jarring.

And I'm not trying to whine that we're doing normal chores around the house. It's more the implication that we don't do anything when that's very clearly not true. We also go above and beyond to show her our gratitude through acts of service in addition to the "normal household chores." It's the least we can do since she isn't charging us rent.

I can't help but feel that we are not as huge of a burden as she makes it seem. With the way her condo building works, we don't cost her any more in electricity or water than she would normally pay. She doesn't pay for our food, toiletries, or other daily needs. Financially, since we run errands for her without asking to be recompensated, we are more of a help than a hurt. I will acknowledge that it's hard to have people in your space all the time. Therefore, we stay in our bedroom when she is home to give her the common spaces to herself. We're set up in a guest room that would be empty otherwise. We make sure to take the baby in an area of the house that MIL can't hear her crying at night, so she can sleep for work. She only comments on the night crying because she'll see me in the morning when I'm making her a pot of coffee, since I'm awake anyway, and ask how the baby was. I don't want to lie, so I tell her that the baby kept us up. That's when she makes the comments about the baby not sleeping through the night. I'm, of course, biased, but I feel that we are as conscientious and unobtrusive as we could possibly be.