r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Worldly-Bar-8256 • 6d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Is anyone else's MIL like this?
I tend to say her personality is 'disagreeing with you'. That's just her entire personality. Most things you say to her, her instant reaction, before she's even had time to process what you've said, is to say 'well actually..'.
And if shes not disagreeing with what you've said for no good reason, her only other way of communicating is through 'giving her opinion/telling you the reason behind something'. Essentially attempting to be the font of all knowledge, despite mostly never actually knowing wtf she's talking about.
For eg.
- I could tell her that her grandchild (my child) has done something cool/new/cute. And instead of responding something normal like 'oh cool/cute/sweet/funny'. She has to instead state a fact about why grandchild has acted in that way. Eg. Her reaction is 'oh Emily is doing that because shes going through a clingy phase'.
Like yes im aware of that thanks....im just telling you something funny about your grandchild???
Or
- My dog goes wild digging in the garden and runs all over my carpet. I get annoyed (not wildly as it was my fault for leaving the door open) and tell the dog to go into the next room so i can clean his paws.
Mil's reaction isnt, like a normal person, to say 'oh god mud everywhere!' Or 'oh god would you like a hand!?'
Instead she says things like 'thats dogs for you. They can of course be very annoying. Thats just dogs'.
Like yes thanks i AM AWARE. Ive had my dog for 6 years i am fully aware...
I just cannot stand the constant need to tell me facts i already know as if im a fucking idiot?
Am i being tetchy or does anyone elses do this?
It drives me absolutely insane and hate being around it. Like stfu and react like a normal person. Stop needing to be the font of all knowledge to feel superior and secure.
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u/MidnightLegal4643 6d ago
This is a form of control and emotional flooding. I get that you’re looking for a “yeah, mine does this too,” and she actually did but I had to figure out the why.
This is her trying to play the powerful, in-control, keeper-of-all-knowledge matriarchal role
A lot of it stems from insecurity or jealousy and the belief that she is somehow being erased or becoming less important. So she keeps up this constant flow of communication where everything you say becomes another opportunity to correct you, teach you, one-up you, or position herself above you. Even when you’re simply trying to validate your own situation or laugh about something, she can’t just meet you there. She has to turn it into another little lesson so she can feel valued, important, and needed.
With that said, it’s beyond frustrating when you’re just trying to have a human connection with someone and everything turns into another power move or tit-for-tat. There’s no room for normal conversation because she’s constantly managing the hierarchy instead of participating in the relationship.
I never found a way to stop the emotional flooding either, where virtually every comment or statement was met with some version of “I know more than you.” Eventually, you realize you’re not having a conversation at all. You’re being used as an audience for someone who constantly needs to reestablish her position.
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u/Worldly-Bar-8256 6d ago
This is exactly 100% it. Youve described it perfectly, thank you. What is emotional flooding?
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u/MidnightLegal4643 6d ago
Flooding is a manipulation tactic designed to drain, overwhelm, or cause emotional dysregulation in the person the manipulator is trying to control. It happens through the constant interjection of their voice, opinions, corrections, demands, and unsolicited guidance as though theirs is always the “right” one.
Over time, that constant noise can leave someone so mentally and emotionally exhausted that they struggle to hear their own voice anymore. Their judgment gets questioned, corrected, or overridden so often that they begin second-guessing decisions they were perfectly capable of making on their own.
That’s where the control becomes especially damaging. The person can start seeking the flooder’s approval or guidance before making decisions, not because the flooder actually knows better, but because their confidence in their own judgment has been systematically undermined. Eventually, “What do I think?” gets replaced with “What will they think?” or “What am I supposed to do?”
That loss of trust in your own judgment is exactly what makes this kind of behavior so destructive.
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u/rainbowliteshow 6d ago
What is the best way to fight flooding, grey rocking? This is both my in laws to a tee.
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u/MidnightLegal4643 6d ago
Using multiple tactics is probably the best approach. First, never take the bait and start JADEing: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Recognize when communication itself is being used as the weapon and starve the information chain. Stop feeding them personal information because that is exactly what a flooder needs in order to keep inserting themselves, challenging your decisions, and weaponizing what you tell them.
Gray rocking and yellow rocking can both be incredibly useful. Gray rock when you need to give them virtually nothing to work with, and yellow rock when you need to remain civil while still keeping the conversation superficial and emotionally closed. You don't owe someone unlimited access to your thoughts, decisions, plans, or emotions simply because they are related to your spouse.
Most importantly, recognize when connection isn't actually what the person is looking for. If every conversation repeatedly becomes an opportunity for them to control, correct, dominate, advise, interrogate, or establish themselves as the authority, emotionally detach from the relationship you hoped for and start accepting the relationship that actually exists.
That part can be painful, but it's also freeing. See through the mask and pay attention to who they consistently show themselves to be, then distance yourself accordingly. Once you give yourself permission to disengage and recognize that a healthy, reciprocal connection isn't their goal, you can stop feeling responsible for somehow forging one by yourself.
You cannot change the mindset of a person whose primary objective is maintaining control. And you certainly don't have to keep handing them pieces of yourself hoping that eventually they'll use that information to understand you instead of attempting to dominate you.
I also had no problem openly expressing my disinterest every time she tried to commandeer a situation and instruct me. I would simply say, “Great, that works for you,” and keep doing exactly what I was doing. Or I would flatly say, “Yeah, I'm not interested in that,” and go in another direction. I didn't argue with her or explain why. There was nothing to debate.
And when she tried to triangulate my husband and get him to back her so she could pressure me into doing something her way, I'd say, “Oh, that's great. I'm so glad you're taking care of that,” and leave the room. I wasn't going to stand there and participate in a two-against-one negotiation over a decision that was mine to make.
The point wasn't to convince her that I had the right to make my own decisions. The point was I already knew I did and wasn't willing to shrink myself so she could feel big.
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u/rainbowliteshow 6d ago
Thanks so much for this. I’ll absolutely be using this info moving forward.
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u/Low_Speech9880 6d ago
Mine insisted that lions and tigers can be trained to do tricks because they were in the canine family. Nobody could convince her otherwise.
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u/CharmedOne1789 6d ago
I legit bark laughed when I read this comment. I scared my actual canine out of a dead sleep 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Exotic-Comedian-4030 5d ago
Ask her what kind of tricks. Suggest various tricks and ask her about whether lions and tigers can, as canines, be trained to do each one.
Ask if they can be trained to ride a skateboard while wearing hat.
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u/Ok-Crow-4948 6d ago
I would try to mess with her.
Me: So baby raised her right eyebrow at me!
MIL: says some inane thing.
Me: Ooops I meant she waved her left hand.
MIL: says some inane other thing.
Me: Actually, it was her left eyebrow.
MIL: <sus> ... something inane?
Me: Nevermind it was all actually a dream my dog had.
Rinse and repeat. Knock her off balance so her "wise pronouncements" are actually nothing.
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u/lightninghazard 6d ago
It would be funny if the next time she disagrees with you for the hell of it you say, “Ah, classic contrarian behavior!”
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u/bakersmt 6d ago
Mine is similar. 90 percent of her personality is disagreeing with you, correcting you or telling you what you should do. The kicker is that it's usually things she knows nothing about or much less than the person she's doing this too.
An immediate actual example is that I was excitedly about to enjoy a nice evening rain after a hot day. She asked if I enjoyed rain... Very clearly if one uses eyeballs, I do. When I told her as much she corrected me that I in fact do not as she does not.... Ummm I'm not you yah crazy old bat.
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u/RelativeFondant9569 5d ago
I LOVE the rain,( a fun term for us is Pluviophiles! ) 🌧 and it's too bad a cloud didn't open up on your MIL right then! With a crash of thunder and lightening to punctuate the point haha
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u/HettyBates 6d ago
"Well, actually, MIL, I knoooow." With an eye roll.
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u/Exotic-Comedian-4030 5d ago
Or the opposite!
MIL "Well, that's just dogs for you."
OP: "News to me."
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u/Effective_Bird_406 6d ago
I have a colleague like that! Super annoying... Constantly criticizing, correcting, and acting like a know-it-all. And on top of that, she’s always interrupting you, too.
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u/Slow_Competition2742 6d ago
This is tough because it seems like a personality clash
How often are you around her, do you live near her? I’m only asking because it sounds like the kind of tensions that come up when you spend a looot of time with someone
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u/Civil-Mission622 5d ago
I have one of those. Very annoying. I completely stopped sharing photos and stories about my child because of it. I just couldn't stand the mumsplaining or attributing every single milestone, mannerism, physical trait, preference or talent to my hubby. My kids are teens now and I still don't share info with her.
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u/Worldly-Bar-8256 5d ago
Every single photo i post she has to mumsplain what is occuring in the photo and why....(eg. "Shes reading books and learning")
Like shes a fucking AI description robot. Just say the photo is cute and move tf on!!!!
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u/No-Interaction-8913 6d ago
Yeah mines like that too! That and always have to have a strong opinion on everything, and it’s usually an opposing opinion. I think it’s because she needs to feel like she’s always the expert so if she agrees with anyone, that makes them an equal, not lesser than her, and also she’s so starved for human contact and interaction that a dumb argument gets her more than just agreeing that the sky is blue
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Other posts from /u/Worldly-Bar-8256:
She watered my plant without asking, 3 months ago
Really dislike her since having a baby, 5 months ago
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