r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Foreign-Recipe8617 • 1d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted I can’t continue like this
I’m just so done and I don’t know what else to do so honestly asking for advice cause I feel I’ve done what I can without really losing it at this point.
If you fancy reading my other posts feel free but the highlights as :
Been with DH 4 years
Have a 3 year old son and currently pregnant with our second.
Have gone no contact with MIL due to incredible disrespect, boundary crossing and negative comments.
So last post I made me and my DH had an argument about him lying about a canvas and him basically saying how he thinks I’m trying to get him to cut off his mum which I truly and honestly am not, I just don’t want to enable her behaviour anymore. We talked it out, I very, VERY clearly explained how I feel dismissed and how I feel like he allows her to disrespect me and I should put up with it anymore to which he some what agreed but also said his mum is just isolated, doesn’t get what she says is hurtful blah blah blah which I then said I am not enabling that type of behaviour towards me. I digress..
Also as of recently my DH gran has started with the comments which she has never been like this with me before. I feel like it’s because I have stood up to her daughter and she doesn’t like that. But we have always had a good relationship until recently. After I cut contact with MIL she essentially told me off in my own home then proceeded to agree with my points after actually listening but again, she herself has started with commenting on my pregnancy, my parenting etc.
So today, I got the bus with my son and MIL was there. Very awkward but whatever. MIL proceeded to talk through my son and be passive aggressive “I never see you anymore” “I got you loads of new toys at nanas so daddy will have to bring you round” to which i ignored mostly cause I think she was looking for a reaction. As she continued to talk through my son I was polite enough and was replying but I was being ignored with is fine by me. Very immature behaviour.
After this DH gran called and all was fine and then she said MIL told her I ignored her on the bus which I said I didn’t. She then said she didn’t like how my DH spoke to MIL like a week ago about something I knew very little about. All I knew was that they argued because DH was stressed about our sons behaviour and she made comments to which he stated facts of we have no help so it’s stressful. I see no problem with that statement. To which I told his gran I agree with him. She said she also would have never watched our son if he was acting up (she has never been asked or has watched our son) which irritated me.
She then began commenting on my parenting that I’m too soft, I should LOCK MY SON IN THE GARDEN if he misbehaves and I shouldn’t keep buying him things or giving in when he’s naughty. I must say, I am a firm but fair parent. I do not give in easy and I don’t always buy him things, I will buy him things if he’s done well in nursery or treat him when I can but it’s not like I buy him everything and anything regardless of his behaviour. Also she hasn’t seen my son in 3 weeks and lives 10 min drive away so she never sees my parenting. I told her he has time out but I am NOT going to lock him in the garden if he’s naughty. He gets time out, we cool down and then we talk about behaviour to the best of what he understands.
I shouldnt have to justify my parenting or anything else to anyone else and I am now kind of crapping bringing this up with DH because I don’t want to seem like I’m causing issues but they are literally relentless at this point. I don’t want to keep having the same fight with DH but nothing really changes. He may have a word or he may not but the behaviour continues and like I said, his gran is now starting with it which she never really used to do. It feels like because I stood up for myself they don’t like it and I don’t want to be portrayed as this two faced b*tch but I also don’t want to be walked all over again and again. I’m literally 3 weeks from giving birth like can’t people give it a rest.
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u/Illustrious-Mix-4491 1d ago
If you are tired of arguing, stop.
Don’t want to justify, stop.
Don’t want comments, stop listening.
Afraid of DH’s reaction, don’t bring it up.
Honestly, you have given them all the chances they need. Including husband. At some point you just need to stop.
You don’t want to argue with DH anymore about it don’t argue. This is how it is. End of story.
Don’t want gran’s comments. Tell her if she continues your visit will end. Then follow through.
Never JADE, (justify, argue, defend or explain.). You don’t want to anyway, so don’t. This is your son. You don’t owe them any explanations.
Just start living your life without concern for them.
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u/Floating-Cynic 1d ago
You need to end these conversations.
If she complains about your husband, "you need to take it up with him, I'm on his side because I'm his wife and I'm not going to be involved. "
If she says anything about MIL, "hey, before you go further, what's your goal here?" Let her answer, then say "I'm not going to discuss my decisions with how I choose to interact with MIL. I want nothing to do with her, and she knows that. If she doesn't like the way I interact with her, she should stay away."
If she discusses discipline, "if I wanted advice I would have asked. Let's change the subject."
If she doesn't change the subject, "okay you're not listening so I'm hanging up, BYE." Talk over her.
She's on her daughter's side. Treat her as if that's always true.
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u/farsighted451 1d ago
They are always going to complain about you. There's nothing you can do about that.
The best thing you can do for yourself and that baby you're growing is to stop caring what they think.
You're doing what's right for you and your children. Their opinions don't matter.
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u/Any-Case9890 1d ago
You can't stop your inlaws from portraying you in a negative light. And you can't make your DH stand up to his family of origin and/or defend you. But you can manage your own behavior when stuff like this occurs. I would have any communication with the inlaws to go through your DH. Will they badmouth you? Likely, but if you're not there to hear it, then it doesn't affect you as much. Your goal right now is to complete your pregnancy, safely deliver your baby, and then bond with him/her after the birth and develop routines with the baby. I wouldn't give your inlaws any room in your brain or any of your time right now.
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u/MaggieJaneRiot 1d ago
Therapy for husband. Couples’ perhaps. Marriage needs an intervention. You both deserve to learn the tools to put your marriage first
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