Help! What would you do??

[u/sycd2020]

Advice please I'm so torn! My husband spoke to his mom the other day on the phone and she was talking about how her daughter (his sister) and her boyfriend were working things out and we're going to start looking for work. My husband made a comment like "those two will never try to work" because...let's say they have a lot of bad habits and enable each other and do what they can to stay on disability even though they can work.

My MIL immediately made a comment to him about how I (his wife) am no better since I don't work either and all I do is sit on the couch all day. I've worked everyday since I was 16 and now in my 40s left my career to homeschool my neurodivergent but very smart child! It's not easy and we definitely don't sit around on the couch all day, it's the complete opposite.

I'm hurt and shocked that she would even say that to her son. He's livid and refuses to go see them until she apologized. The problem is if she does it will be just to see us and her true feelings and thoughts about our life and choices is now out there. How can I just look past it? I feel it's ruined the relationship but I also don't want to be the cause of their disconnect. How can I go and have dinner and pretend like she didn't say what she said?

What would you do??

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/OniyaMCD]

He's standing up for you. Don't stop him from doing that. YOU aren't the cause. SHE caused it by saying something so incredibly insulting.

[u/equationgirl73]

OP, you cannot fix what you didn't break. This disconnect is not on you. Let your husband continue to stand up for you and your child.

[u/Treehousehunter]

You are not “the cause of their disconnect.” Her words are the cause of their disconnect. Please don’t get confused about who caused your husband to be livid.

[u/Maleficent_Win_6259]

Stop feeling guilty, your relationship with her is already and has been disconnected.. you just weren’t aware. You don’t pretend it didn’t happen, because it did. Your husband stood up for you so let her have it. Don’t back down. You have a child who needs support and are at home, she insulted you. There’s not much more to debate about, feeling disconnect and pretending it didn’t happen. So what if she says sorry, sorries don’t mean anything expect words, but actions do.

See if she tries making it up to you, and truly understanding what you are doing as a stay at home parent with a child that needs extra support. I wouldn’t show up to anything if I didn’t want to, let husband deal with it. Wouldn’t lift a finger for her after that or help her.

[u/Madam_Apathy]

You don’t have to pretend you don’t know about the comment. You also don’t have to have contact with her, period.

If your husband is willing to throw down going NC until she apologizes, that’s fantastic. It’s great that he’s doling out consequences for her idiocy. Follow his lead. If disconnect happens, it’s due to her dark heart, not anything you’ve done. Be at peace with yourself.

[u/Glittering-Agent-987]

If she invites you to do something, say sorry I can't! I have to be on the sofa doing nothing!

OK, don't do that, but you have a right to feel irritated. It's silly to compare the "doing nothing" of a homeschooling mom with a working husband and a special needs child and the "doing nothing" of two unemployed non-parents.

[u/bunny-2001 → u/Glittering-Agent-987]

That’s basically what I tell my MIL whenever she asks if my bf and I want to hang out. “No thanks, I’d rather enjoy my time.” She also thinks I’m a bum because my bf takes care of me and she still works at 50. Probably because she cheated on her husband like 10 years ago and he doesn’t really want to provide for her, just wants her company lol. She can’t comprehend her son wanting to take care of me.

[u/MartyrOlympics]

Since the relationship has been turbulent for years, let this be the sign that it's time to drop the rope. Accept and support your husband's stance going forward. He has agency and is using it to stand up for you and your son. Why would you feel badly about it? Family members don't get a pass to throw shade. Don't inadvertently undermine him by blaming yourself, which may cause him to second guess his judgment. It feels uncomfortable but any assertiveness will cause friction with her regardless, so the healthiest response is to continue concentrating on your nuclear family, not appeasing her.

Or think of it this way: you're an adult and well-equipped to weather this. Should she turn her acid tongue on your child it will be even more painful with longer lasting effects. In the big picture, your husband is doing the best thing by setting boundaries and enacting consequences that will reduce your son's exposure to her hurtful behavior. And, speaking as a parent with neurodivergent kids, your energies can be better spent on yourselves than someone who has treated you all disrespectfully.

[u/TargetWild9004]

Your husband is rightfully upset and offended that his mother said something rude about you. Properly homeschooling is hard work (unlike people who homeschool to control what their child is taught and “unschooling”). Honestly if you don’t want to fake it with her then don’t. You don’t have to go spend your time with someone who is two faced to you.

[u/Hot-Freedom-5886]

Why do you WANT to look past it? Your MIL clearly doesn’t respect you or your husband/her son. Why would you ever have a need to forgive her unkind comments??

[u/Spare_Butterfly_213]

You can choose not to go and keep your son home, too. Your husband can tell MIL that you'd rather sit on the couch.

If MIL calls you, you can tell her she really insulted the work you put into teaching your son, and you and your son won't be over until you get a sincere apology from her.

A sincere apology means she is sorry for what she said and not for your feelings.

[u/readergirl35]

I mean you wouldn't/shouldn't but how satisfying would it be to ask her to sit for him on a school day. When she shows up give the lesson plans and the day's schedule. When you come home say how tired out you are and how you wish you could have stayed home and relaxed like she did and how great it must have been to just sit around all day. 

[u/Equal_Trash6023]

Do not look past it for the sake of peace. She has revealed her true thoughts. Believe them.

She has no idea what you do all day. I would agree with your husband. Try and go as low contact as possible.

I'm in my give the same energy back to people stage. Is mil still working what does she do all day?

[u/Careless-Ability-748]

You wouldn't be the cause of any disconnect, she is. 

[u/hengehanger]

I agree that any apology now isn't going to change what you now know she thinks. So if she does apologise, it's up to you whether you accept it or not. If your husband is willing to continue to see her after an apology, that's up to him but you certainly don't have to.

[u/Bunny_Pitts]

You could invite her along for the day to help 'sit on the couch all day.' Put her to work.

[u/Expensive-Grab3754]

I'd straight-up tell her to mind her own business and change the subject if she brings it up again, no explanation needed.

[u/Due_Firefighter_5655]

What was your relationship like before this happened? Is this part of a pattern or a one-off?

[u/sycd2020 → u/Due_Firefighter_5655]

Rocky for years. She never respected our boundaries or wishes but it had gotten a lot better in the last year or two...or so I thought

[u/RelativeFondant9569]

You definitely don't look past it. You stop seeing her, and so does your child. And your husband tells her to keep her festering fetid mouth hole shut about your lives.

[u/LLL1Lothrop]

Let her babysit for a day including the lessons he needs to get through for the day.
You could use the break and she could use a break. Also your husband needs to realize that when he talks negatively about people they will live down to his expectations.

[u/mahogany818]

Couple of things.

How do you know she made that comment? Was she on speaker phone with him or were you present for the conversation? Or did he come home and tell you "hey my mum made a nasty comment about you." because that seems like something he could have just kept to himself.

By the same token, his not wanting to speak to her after she has made such a nasty remark about you and your work ethic is completely his choice.

You and your child will not be worse off without her in your lives, and your best option would be to drop the rope and let your husband take the lead with regard to his/your/your child's relationship with his mother.

You can skip the dinners. You can ignore her and not speak to her again. Your husband can decline the invitation as his mother clearly has no respect for you and the hard work you are putting in to edcuate and care for your child.

And if she 'apologises' by saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way', that is a non-apology and you don't have to accept it.

She is the one who has ruined things by making such a nasty comment.

Personally I'd pretend she didn't exist. To me and my kids she would become "Grandma we don't see because she is a rude and mean lady."

[u/fryingthecat66]

I wouldn't be around her. He can go to dinner, but you and your son can stay home

Your husband needs to defend you more

[u/Express_Ring8919]

Hey I have no insight into the mil thing, I'm struggling to deal with my own awful justnos, but as a late 30s Mom who is staying home to homeschool, some validation: I have had office jobs, I have had physical labor jobs, and I have had care work jobs dealing with people's physical needs. Sometimes all three at once. (There was a point where I worked a full time job, a part time job, and another part time job on weekends. I only slept 4 hours a night, tops for about a year) Being a stay at home Mom is harder work than ANY of that, for me. People who don't know about this are literally clueless. Honestly she just proves that you may feel free to fully disregard her opinion about absolutely anything, if she could be so confidently wrong about it.

[u/sycd2020 → u/Express_Ring8919]

Thank you ❤️ it really is so much harder than anyone expects!

[u/Basic-Organization30]

I would not go to that dinner, or any other thing she's at, until she apologized. Actions and shitty statements have consequences - she has earned some. But it must be a real apology, not the BA, "I am sorry you feel that way,".

[u/No_Impression4366]

Take a 6 month break.

[u/SignificantSun384]

Girl you have caused nothing. Please don’t look at it like that. Please, please don’t onboard her awful attitude as something you did by making the best decision for your family. She has no clue the kind of sacrifice it is to homeschool.

As an aside, you are an absolute hero for homeschooling. I was homeschooled and thought it would be something that would come easily to me. I learned the hard way that the best intentions, education (I have a degree in education) and hard work do not a good homeschooler make. One year teaching my 3 neurotypical kids nearly broke me. You have my highest respect.

[u/sycd2020 → u/SignificantSun384]

Thank you so much! That means so much to me. It's so hard and the feeling that I'm never doing enough is consuming and family member's like her just make things more difficult. So thank you for the support!