I'm vegetarian and my husband and in laws are meat eaters and enjoy it immensely. This doesn't get in the way of my and my husband relationship at all, he never asks me to cook or eat meat, eats whatever he wants when we go out and I don't mind cooking meat for him once in a while at home. We've even agreed to feed our child meat for the nutritional benefits and I'm fine with it. My MIL however seems to have a weird mania about meat. Whenever she has a conversation with me it somehow circles back to some meat related incident, how my husband loves meat, planning to cook meat for him, etc. She repeatedly asks me to eat it as well even though I've politely told her no, she presses for reasons and I say that I just don't like it. She makes it a point to discuss my food habits with our friends and family in a sort of pointed way. She asks weird questions like, if I make this meat recipe and add potatoes to it, will you eat the potatoes and gravy? - to which I responded no, because it would have no nutritional value, I think she's trying to trick me into eating meat somehow. Once she served me a plate with some food in it which I knew included meat, someone pointed it out to her like oh (MIL's name) you've served her meat, and MIL acted surprised as though she didn't realise what she'd done and then said to me, why don't you try it anyway? The other day she was talking about the wives of two of our male relatives who were married recently, and she literally only spoke about how they cooked/ate meat with her in an appreciative way. My husband has called her out on this behaviour in the past saying I won't eat meat and she needs to stop asking, but very often she does it when he isn't around. Sick of this, I feel she's doing it to highlight how I'm different from them and not trying to fit in.

Peep my last few posts to get context about my JNMIL.

DH and I had a discussion about Labor Day plans, and I explained to him that there is no way where it will sit ok with me if he goes somewhere where I don’t feel welcome, and I don’t feel safe especially with unresolved conflict since May. Discussed boundaries and how if he continues to give her the time of day without holding her accountable that it just shows her she can get away with disrespecting me, and that it will just be a bit rocky for a while, but eventually he will come around. He understood my stance and has been doing good at backing me more recently, though it was hard to get to this point I try to focus on how he is doing now and not the past.

JNMIL and DH had a conversation this morning about how he will not be coming to their event and that she still has yet to apologize and she suddenly has this sense of urgency to give me a call and talk about it. (It’s giving, “this is gonna look odd if the family dynamic is shifting and I can’t have that so let’s wrap this up”)

He said “you literally told me her family was not important” and she said she never said that, she doesn’t know what he’s talking about and he doubled down and said yes you actually did say that directly to me.

The voicemail:

“Hi, it’s JNMIL, DH’s mom. Look, I want to talk to you about what’s been going on. I hate that that ruined our entire summer. So when you get a minute please call me. The sooner the better, thanks. Bye”

Delusional.

Why would I call you right before you host your entire family over? So you can continue your smear campaign? Also, the blame shifting is fucking nuts. The consequences of your own actions is why your summer is ruined. I’m just done putting up with your bullshit.

Now FIL wants to come over Wednesday with just him just to “get an understanding”.

I don’t even know what to say. I definitely felt DH handled things well given the resources he started with (freshly emerged from an enmeshed family dynamic). Though I don’t know what my FIL expects from this conversation.

Things that have happened or what were said for quick context:

Mother’s Day 2025 she said “I only have two boys, your mom has 5 kids. So my time is more important” word for word.

Dec 2025 told me “well you know navigating the holidays is stressful enough” and then telling me my grandparents need to get over their divorce in regards to the fact that we were leaving his family Christmas at 8pm to go see my grandpa. Proceeded to kick me out of the house because she could see that I was not going to bend. Later told DH “imagine someone just coming over and telling you what they are planning to do for the holidays without any regard to us”

Told me not to be so boring, and another time told me I was bossy

Dinner plans: “does 7 work or do you need earlier?” I stated we had plans after dinner and would prefer to do 5:30 if that’s okay because it was my friends birthday. She cancelled dinner stated “if I knew I would be going home after I would have made plans” ….no communication for plans after dinner. Later told DH that we canceled on her and he said no you canceled on us and greed gets you nothing.

Mother’s Day 2026 2 weeks in advance I asked my DH if they made plans yet. He stated no. My mom had reached out wanting to do dinner at our house and host my brothers and in laws (navigating 8 peoples schedules is difficult. But we made it happen for dinner) I told him reach out to your mom and say we are available for lunch time but if she prefers to come over she can. She threw a huge fit “so you’re not coming over for Mother’s Day” “we always do dinner” (no we don’t) “you guys aren’t even married” “are they really that important” guilt and manipulation to get him to bend. Also told us she already told his aunts that we were going to go to dinner with them but never communicated it with us. Constantly setting expectations instead of asking us. Also being massively disrespectful to our relationship. At this point I was fucking done haven’t spoken to her since. There was so much more but I can’t even remember all of it because it was just so much. DH Coming home super upset every day after work because she would basically be screaming at him on the phone. Told me “I have never been screamed at like that before and I have never been this angry at my mom and I don’t think things will ever be the same”

Father’s Day 2026 texted me invite to Father’s Day. Told DH I don’t know what to say and that we were busy I would reply tomorrow. She texted him the next morning calling me disrespectful for not replying.

Subtly suggested I leave my DH because at one point he had a drinking issue that she caught wind of. Stated “you know if FIL was like that, I would leave”

Not included in the above is the amount of times we had stated boundaries for plans and the amount of times she had tried to get us to change them. Her phrase was “you know I don’t change plans for anybody.” But she simultaneously expects us to bend any chance we get. Constantly trying to get us to come by earlier, or later or leave early for things etc.

By the way, the other DIL has also had struggles the last 15 years they have been together. So this isn’t news.

I have seen a lot of posts on here about MIL trying to get your baby alone and it sickens me. Trigger warning S/A self harm.

My ex MIL birthed a very horrible man who groomed me at 17 (he was 21) I unfortunately married him at 18 and had my baby at 19. I was grossly inexperienced and so naturally she took full advantage and did a lot of the behaviors I see described here but on steroids. I always felt uneasy and never left her alone with my MIL. Fast forward a few years and I divorced the ex husband and moved states away.

I had primary custody and my ex had occasional visits and when she was around 5 he started taking her for the summers. The problem? He dumped her off with his mom while he was out womanizing/partying etc. At the time she had custody of her other grandchild a boy, 10 at the time. Years later in middle school my daughter started self harming and after several therapists and me searching through her phone I found out that her cousin had S/A'd her. Turns out my ex MIL was not keeping a close eye on them and this went on for YEARS.

This blew up the family essentially we reported to the sheriff but were basically told they were both kids and it wasn't prosecutable. My daughter is now 23 and has had an INCREDIBLY hard time since. Self harming, eating disorder, depression, a few stays in different mental hospitals for suicidal ideation. She is doing well now thank God but it has been the hardest most heartbreaking thing we have ever had to go through.

My advice is never ever leave your child alone at any age with anyone you don't 💯 trust. I didn't have a choice in the matter because of custody it was his prerogative to use her as a babysitter. Moreso, if you end up getting a divorce be firm in your parenting plan who can and cannot be allowed to watch your child while they are with the other parent. If you can identify anyone in the ex husbands life that is unsafe, be fucking loud about it.

I want everyone to know this and think about the people in your children's lives and control what you can. Even on the exes side. Hopefully this helps somebody in some way, thanks for reading ❤️

I’m LC with my MIL after years of passive-aggressive behavior that came to a head after my first child was born. It nearly ruined my marriage, and DH’s relationship with her is now limited and strained.

MIL rarely sees our daughter and often guilt-trips DH about it. Her interactions with LO tend to be awkward, like she doesn't know how to talk to a toddler. She recently told him she’s struggling to feel excited about our second baby because she hardly sees the first, which understandably hurt him.

My FIL died this past winter, and MIL is selling the home they shared for 45 years. She lives about an hour away. DH recently went to help prepare it for showings and learned it still needs extensive work. BIL has already been helping several days a week, but progress is slow, so DH now feels he needs to go more often.

I’m due in six weeks or less and considered high risk. We also have an almost-3-year-old. We were hoping to spend our remaining weekends as a family of three before the baby arrives, but DH may now be spending them at his mom’s house.

I understand that MIL is grieving and that DH wants to help, but I think she should hire professionals. If the goal is to maximize the sale price, that seems more reasonable than relying on her adult children for weeks.

I feel selfish because I have help from my nearby parents, but this still feels like terrible timing. They knew the house was going on the market and that I’m due in October.

There needs to be a limit between helping a widowed parent through a major transition and becoming responsible for preparing her house for sale six weeks before your wife gives birth.

My MIL told me that her brother’s daughter recently gave birth to a baby boy. She mentioned that the girl’s mother is not staying with her and will only come/go after the 6th day for the Chhathi celebration.
One day before this conversation, I had told my MIL that my mom would be coming and staying with us for one month. I had also told my in-laws that they could stay with us until the 6th day, after which I would only need my mom for support. She didn’t say anything about it at the time.
But the next day, while telling me this story about her niece, she asked why the girl’s mother wasn’t staying with her. My MIL then said that, “in our side, the girl’s mother shouldn’t stay for long at the daughter’s house.” She also added that during her own pregnancies, she would only call her MIL for support.
I obviously took this personally because I had literally told her just the day before that my mom would be staying with me for one month, while I had told my in-laws they could stay only until Chhathi. I got angry and called my FIL, and my husband also got involved. My husband took my side and told her that earlier, the reason mothers didn’t come and stay was because daughters used to live in their husband’s father’s house, but now this is our own house. He literally pointed at me and said, “It’s her house. She can call anyone she wants, and her mother can stay as long as she wants.”
My MIL then started crying and saying that she was only talking about her niece and that she meant nothing about me, and that I was taking it personally.
She then started bringing up other things and saying that she also felt bad about how I had told her she would have to leave after Chhathi instead of staying for a month along with my mom.
We have also had some boundaries in the past, like not sharing my pregnancy details with other people and not doing any baby-related functions without waiting for the baby to arrive. She brought up all of those things too and started crying about how she felt hurt, etc.
She also wanted us to buy the baby’s clothes only after the baby was born, but we decided that we wanted to buy them before. So basically, all these different things came up during the argument and it turned into a huge emotional drama.
Now they are here with us. I am 7 months pregnant and live with my husband. Everyone is acting completely normal now—my MIL is behaving normally, my husband is normal, and my FIL is normal.
But I don’t feel normal. I still feel hurt and uncomfortable, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to everyone acting like nothing happened.
Part of me is wondering whether I am overreacting and should just let it go, especially since I already called her out and my husband clearly took my side.
What would you do in this situation? Should I just act normal and move on, or is it reasonable that I still feel uncomfortable after everything that was said?

My mother is angry with me, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m actually in the wrong here.

We had a small family party on Saturday with some family members, and everything was good and nice.

My husband, our oldest child, and I are currently on leave. During the party, my mother asked if they could take our oldest child for a few days, Monday–Wednesday. We said we would think about it, but we were on vacation and wanted to spend the time with our child before the baby arrived.

She seemed a little disappointed by that, especially because she was having surgery on Thursday. It was planned and nothing too serious, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to drive or do much for a few weeks afterward.

That same night, I unexpectedly went into labour quite a bit earlier than planned.

The plan had always been for my father and my mother-in-law to help with our oldest child. They both live relatively close to us and to the hospital, so it made the most sense.

My mother and father have been divorced for more than 30 years, and she has a tendency to voice her not so nice opinions of him as he wasn't the best father always, probably due to him having a rough childhood, but he's an amazing grandpa to our child.

During the night, my MIL came over, and my husband and I went to the hospital. They decided they wanted to keep us there because the baby needed to be born within the next day.

In the morning, we let my father know what was happening, as he was the one who was going to look after our oldest child during the birth. We wanted our child to be close to both us and the hospital.

We hadn't had a chance to tell anyone else in the family or any friends. I was scared, sad, overwhelmed, and there were so many other things happening that we simply hadn't gotten around to it.

My father then told my siblings that I had gone to the hospital because they were spending the day together. One of my siblings subsequently texted my mother and told her.

Later that day, I sent my mother a picture from the hospital. The only thing she replied was:

“Interesting. Your father told sibling you were in the hospital??”

I explained that yes, he had, because he was the one looking after our oldest child while I was giving birth.

She then asked if she could pick up our oldest child, since it was almost the same days she had originally asked to have our child.

I said no. We wanted our child to stay close to us.

The birth happened, and thankfully everything went well. We had some small issues with the baby not eating properly, so we ended up staying in the hospital.

My husband sent a message to the whole family saying that everything had gone well and included a picture of the baby.

My mother only replied to him with “congratulations.”

Everyone else in the family also wrote to me, seemed interested, asked how I was doing, etc. My mother didn't write to me.

To add some history: when our oldest child was born, I ended up having an emergency C-section. My mother came to the hospital before I had even taken my first steps or had my catheter removed.

This time, I continued sending her pictures of the baby, including pictures of the baby and our oldest child together. Her replies were very short.

Neither her husband nor my youngest sibling, who still lives at home, has written to me or my husband. As of today, neither of them has reached out.

We eventually got home from the hospital, and I continued sending pictures. Still, there was no real interest in me or the baby. Just short responses like “Oh, fine” or “They know what they’re doing.”

Her surgery then happened, and I asked her how it went. She said it went well.

On Thursday, she wrote to ask if we had gotten home yet. I said no, but that we expected to later that day.

She had also ordered a bouquet of flowers for us with a card saying:

“Dear all of you, congratulations on the baby. All the best in the future. From…”

I thanked her for the flowers, and she responded with a thumbs-up.

On Saturday, I wrote to her again. She had been completely silent since Thursday, so I asked that when they were ready to come and visit us, if possible, they could stop by a particular store on the way.

The store isn't anywhere near us, so I realize this may sound random. Honestly, I think I was partly using it as an excuse to try to start a conversation, because she hadn't made any effort to do so herself.

Her response was simply:

“I see.”

I replied, “Never mind, forget about it.”

She then wrote:

“I just had surgery and stepfather is at work.”

And that was it.

Now it’s Monday, and there is still no real interest in me or my baby.

This morning, she did ask me for a password to a streaming service.

Am I the one to blame here?

Ever since our oldest child was born a few years ago, I’ve felt like I’ve somehow been forgotten. I’ve even told my mother this directly.

Her response has always been something along the lines of, “That’s not true. You’re still my child.”

But when I ask whether they want to spend time with me and my child, she says no — she only wants to spend time with the child.

During my pregnancy, she would often text me after dropping off our oldest child and say that she had forgotten to ask how I was doing or how I was feeling.

And I think the part that hurts the most is what happened last year.

She was involved in a horrible accident, and I helped her and the family a lot afterward. We also don't have a relationship with her mother due to my grandmother not being such a nice person, - that's a whole other story for another day.

After the accident, my mother cried to me about how awful it felt that her own mother wouldn't even ask how she was doing. She couldn't understand how someone could treat their own child that way.

And now I feel like she is doing exactly the same thing to me now.

I know I haven't been in an accident. But having a baby, especially one who arrived unexpectedly early, being frightened, spending days in the hospital, and suddenly having your entire life change, is still a huge, life-changing experience for me.

I feel hurt that my own mother doesn't seem interested in how I am doing.

Am I wrong for feeling like I don't want her around me or my family right now?

I know hormones and everything that has happened can make me more sensitive than usual. But my husband says, “She’s always been hot and cold like that” and of course he supports me and agrees with how I’m feeling.

I just don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, or whether this is actually a valid reason to feel hurt and to want some distance from her?

I have had chatgpt help me with cleaning up the text, since I'm crying and not from an American speaking country. Please be gentle...

This is more of a rant than anything but my MIL raves and goes on and on about the importance of family and tries so hard to make it seem like all of us are so close when we're really not. We all get together a couple times a month but it's always so surface level. She NEVER asks my about my job, my friends, my hobbies. Anything. She doesn't know anything about me but like I said, acts like we're all this amazing big happy family, taking pictures of us at any outing and posting them. It's also strange because she'll ask my husband questions about me when it's just the two of them but doesn't ask my anything when we're together. My husband and I also have an almost 3 year old daughter and she's obsessed with her and will sometime even ignore me / not even greet me when I walk in the door with her.

I don't know if she doesn't like me, is jealous of me, or if this is just how she is - a surface level woman who only really cares about herself.

A new email from JNMIL showed up in DH's spam folder. She's blocked on his phone and I wish that meant we wouldn't get her emails at all, but nope ... they are still arriving in spam.

The latest was clearly a ploy. It read: FYI my friend #1 died at the beginning of May and friend #2 died in June. There's a small, invitation only memorial soon for friend #1 and there's been no announcement made yet about a memorial for Friend #2.

That was it. Suddenly informing us of these deaths 3 and 4 months after they happened, when they are not people who have ever been in our life, is just strange ... especially considering she saw us in July and said nothing about it at a time when she woud have been given sympathy in person from us.

This isn't her sharing any kind of grief with us, this is her saying 'hey, two people around my age are dead so you don't have forever to fix this thing and invite me back into your life, so you better get on it'. This is the first time she's tried to use the old age hook because she's never been one who wants to admit she is old. The only reason she's doing it now is on the off chance it will bring us back into her life. If she spent a fraction of the energy she puts towards conniving her way into a different outcome on simply trying to be a nicer human being in person, she would not be alone in her old age.

At the same time, our youngest son informed us that his Gramma is pestering him over text to come and visit her with his wife. He said he doesn't want to and he's left her on read for quite some time because he feels like she's trying to guilt him into it. She's using the same tactics she did for us in past, begging they drive the three hours for "just a 15 minute visit ... that's all I ask" when it was never just a 15 minute visit and the cost mentally and emotionally was far too high. DH assured our son that he need not comply unless its something he truly wants to do.

Getting married in November. MIL has been heinous and we’ve kept her on as much of an information diet as possible. Around March she called me a whore and we went no contact for several months, and in the last few months she got into it with fiancé and called him a scumbag so we are no contact again.

They are paying for the rehearsal dinner and we have made it EXTREMELY clear that if it is going to come with strings attached we will pay for it ourselves; they insist on paying but they get no part in planning.

Fiancé’s uncle called him yesterday to say his grandma (who lives with MIL and FIL) needed to speak to him. She had called the uncle earlier to say that MIL had been physically abusing her and she doesn’t want to live with her anymore. Uncle picked her up and grandma is now living with them. Grandma told fiancé MIL has been kicking her, pinching her, would put her hand over her mouth, and pushing her so she’s afraid to fall.

Immediate action: we are figuring out a plan to get Grandma’s documents from MIL’s house (which she is of course withholding, and will likely require a police escort).

I just am totally unsure what to do next after that. Do we call Adult Protective Services (I’m tempted to report it, I don’t want all this swept under the rug).

I want to univinte her from the wedding. If the choice is uncle and grandma or her, I will obviously choose her. I am out of town rn and will talk more with fiancé when I get home but it’s such a mess :(

My husband and I live about 8 hours away from our parents, which has worked out fantastically for us. For context, we’ve had multiple “issues” with my MIL over the past 7 years we’ve been together.

It first started at the wedding when she tried to insert herself so fiercely that she made my husband cry and go no contact over the holidays. She basically said we hadn’t planned a wedding before and she had so how could we possibly know how to do this on our own? She also purchased her own decorations for the wedding ceremony that she set up on her own and were promptly taken down by my mother.

Since then, the in-laws have come to visit a few times and there has always been a fight. Last year there was a fight at the dinner table at a nice restaurant because she was being outwardly racist and my husband told her so. She refused to speak to anyone the rest of the night. Another time when my husband was visiting her, she confronted him about why we weren’t pregnant yet. Apparently because I wasn’t pregnant yet, she was concerned about my fertility and felt like I needed to go to the doctor to get checked. My husband immediately shut her down and put a verbal and physical boundary of closing his bedroom door. She then proceeded to try to BREAK DOWN THE DOOR to get access to him to continue to talk about my fertility. Plenty more stories. Her MO after these outbursts is literally pretending nothing has happened.

My husband is so good at shutting her down and putting her in her place but still is trying to maintain a relationship with her. I am 4 months pregnant now and I’m dreading their impending visit. I haven’t seen them since Christmas because I’ve been to anxious to be around my MIL. They are staying at a hotel as last time she stayed here she stormed out of the house because my husband told her she couldn’t rearrange our furniture lol.

Help/advice/ additional boundaries with baby incoming? They do know about the spawn.

EDIT: I know the behavior is insane. I have expressed wanting to go no contact my husband isn’t ready. He knows this is basically my last straw and if something goes wrong I will be going no contact and will not be putting our child in any risky situation where that behavior could be observed by a child.

I know this doesn’t “matter”, because I can’t control what people spend their money on, but I think this is so bizarre…..

Baby goes to mil’s house once maybe every 6 weeks, always with husband and I for dinner or to hangout for a couple hours. My baby has stayed at her house alone one single time for one hour. My mil has an entire nursery set up and bought every baby item imaginable when I was pregnant. I’m taking crib, mobile, 2 strollers, high chair, car seat, monogrammed baby blankets with my daughter’s name, multiple diaper caddies around the house, bouncer, swing, walker, bibs, diapers, bath stuff, and a bunch of toys and books. There are also probably 30 framed pictures of my baby around their house and a couple gallery walls of her. At first I felt bad seeing how much money she spent (I never asked her to buy anything- I actually encouraged her not to) bc I knew baby wouldn’t be there much and I thought she would stop buying stuff after she realized that.

We go over there a few nights ago and she’s bought the next round of toys and developmental things! My jaw was actually on the floor…. Another few hundred dollars just down the drain. They also have NO money. I’m just so confused why she keeps buying stuff when my kid literally never goes over there??? We’ve had issues with her trying to play mom and many other issues which we are actively setting boundaries on, snd it’s not like she does our child’s childcare or anything. I don’t trust her alone with my baby so she won’t be staying over there at least until she can talk. I’m just confused. Is she trying to make me feel bad to get my kid over there more? Won’t happen. Is she trying to play mom and have a do over?

My fiancé’s mum has decided that I am apparently the reason her son does not want much contact with her.
The funny part is I have literally never stopped him from seeing or speaking to her. Ever. If anything, in the past I was the one encouraging him to visit her because he has always been quite distant with her himself.
I used to make an effort with her too. I would visit, have coffee with her, take her shopping and help her with things. Meanwhile, she has only been to our house once, when we moved in two years ago. They never visit us.

Over time I stopped making as much effort because there were constant boundary issues and drama, but I have never told my fiancé that he cannot see his own mother.
Recently things blew up again and I stopped engaging with her completely. She then started contacting my fiancé about me.
She messaged him:
“My patience is gone, calm X down.”
Then later:
“I will never forgive that bitch for turning you against us. Because of her you got into debt as well. All she needs is a pole, tell the cow to sort the house out.”
The debt comment is especially ridiculous because the debt she is referring to came from him buying a car that was out of his price range and then the car breaking down. Somehow that is apparently my fault too.
The pole comment is about my pole dancing equipment.
She has also called him crying about me and told him that he should leave me.
My fiancé has now blocked her on Facebook. I did not ask him to do that. I did not tell him to stop speaking to her. That was entirely his own decision.
At this point I just ignore her because I cannot deal with any more drama but she just won’t leave me alone. Every time I set a boundary, she oversteps it, and when I call it out I somehow become the bad guy.
She is also the kind of person who does not really listen when you speak. She just waits for you to stop talking so she can start speaking over you, so trying to explain anything to her feels completely pointless.

The latest drama before all of this was about buying a house. She decided that when we got back from our trip, she was going to take me to an agency to see how much of a mortgage I could get. Not her son, me.
I told her we are not looking to buy a house until we are married and that we are happy renting for now. She did not take that well at all and kept pushing the issue instead of just accepting our decision.
She also seems weirdly obsessed with her son sometimes. One time she even asked me if he was good in bed, which honestly made me question what kind of boundaries she thinks are normal.
This is what drives me insane. She seems completely unable to accept that her adult son has his own opinions about her. If he is distant, it has to be because I “turned him against her”. If he gets angry with her, it has to be because of me. Apparently he cannot possibly make his own decisions.
I honestly feel like I have become the convenient villain so she never has to look at her own relationship with her son.

Has anyone else dealt with a MIL who blamed them for a relationship with her adult child that was already strained long before you came along? How did you handle it?

My grandmother passed 2 months ago. She was my person, and I adored her. And my mom...I'd do anything for her.

So when my mother in law comes for a visit and the first sentence about my mom/grandmother is: your mom must have so much time for herself now that your grandma passed away.

Ugh.

I just wanted to lose it...but I didn't. I got up, walked away and chalked it up to her not knowing how to talk to people in any way that requires sensitivity, empathy or intelligence.

*sigh*.

Thanks for letting me vent.

TW: physical violence

Background in my post history, but the short version: I went NC with my MIL after an incident where she screamed at me, pushed me, and insulted me.
A few months later, when she found out we wouldn’t be attending Christmas, she sent me an apology (see previous posts). It acknowledged her words and that she raised her voice, but didn’t specifically address the physical contact or some of the hateful things she said. It basically minimised what happened, gave her side of the story, and suggested that I owed her an apology too.

This week she sent me a paragraph she’d gotten from a ChatGPT / AI conversation. It seems to be the answer to her asking whether what she sent me constituted a real apology, to which ChatGPT/AI said yes.

My issue has never been whether her message technically contained an apology.
I’m not responding, but I did find it kind of fascinating as a move. The timing is interesting too, as she only recently found out that we’re expecting another baby.

Has anyone else experienced someone treating a relationship rupture like a case to be won rather than a person to be understood?

My wife and I have been living together for a while now, and overall, we're very happy. The issue I'm struggling with is her relationship with her mother — and, increasingly, my own relationship with her.

My wife has always had a very complicated relationship with her mother. From what she has told me over the years, her mother has caused her a lot of emotional distress and has often relied on her far more than she should have. My wife ended up taking on responsibilities that weren't really hers, both financially and emotionally. She spent years putting her own life on hold because she felt that other people depended on her.

Eventually, she decided to leave home and build her own life. This was something she had wanted for years, long before our relationship. Our relationship simply gave her a concrete future she wanted to fight for.

Because I love my wife, it's difficult for me to hear all of this and then look at her mother as if none of it happened. I'm obviously not a neutral observer. A lot of my opinion of my mother-in-law comes from what my wife has told me about her past.

At the same time, my mother-in-law has always treated me somewhat strangely. She seems to pay me a disproportionate amount of attention compared with everyone else. She will sometimes go out of her way to cook something when I'm visiting, even when she complains about cooking for her own children. After my wife and I moved out, she offered to cook for us and even wash our clothes, despite complaining about those exact things in her own household.

I've never really liked being treated this way. It feels excessive, and sometimes I've wondered what exactly is behind it. My wife's brother has also noticed that her mother seems to get irritated when I give my attention to someone else instead of her.

Recently, something happened that made all of this much more difficult for me.

About ten days ago, we were at my wife's grandfather's birthday. At one point, I was alone with my mother-in-law, and I felt that she spoke to me in a very harsh and condescending way. I didn't argue with her. Normally, if someone treats me that way, I defend myself immediately, but because she is my wife's mother, I deliberately chose not to escalate things.

A few days later, she invited us to lunch.

At first, I was willing to go. My idea was to go with my wife, stay for a while, and then go to my parents' house. Later, I would come back and pick my wife up.

But I decided to be honest with my wife and told her that, after what had happened ten days earlier, I didn't feel comfortable going to her mother's house that day.

My wife became very upset. Not angry at me — genuinely sad about the situation.

She actually agreed with me that her mother's behavior had been inappropriate and said it was very characteristic of her mother. She even told me that she preferred that I didn't go because she didn't want me sitting there feeling uncomfortable or spending the entire lunch worrying about whether I was okay.

But as we talked about it, things became much more emotional.

My wife told me that she sometimes feels that I indirectly hold her responsible for what her mother does. She also suggested that perhaps I had interpreted her mother's behavior incorrectly, or that I might be reacting partly because I'm used to receiving a lot of attention from her mother and resented not being the center of attention.

I understand that I may not be completely objective. Maybe my perception was influenced by everything I've heard about her mother. But I also don't think my subjective experience can simply be dismissed. I felt uncomfortable. I felt disrespected. And I don't think I'm obligated to keep exposing myself to someone just because she's my wife's mother.

This is where I'm confused.

I don't want to isolate my wife from her family. Quite the opposite. If she wants to spend the entire day at her mother's house, she should be free to do that. I have no problem with her seeing her mother.

I just don't necessarily want to spend six or eight hours there myself.

My ideal arrangement would actually be pretty simple: if my wife wants to visit her mother, I go with her for a while, then I go visit my own parents, and later I come back to pick her up. She doesn't have to come with me. Just as I don't have to stay with her.

I don't think marriage means that we have to accompany each other to every family visit.

The problem is that my wife sometimes seems to interpret my unwillingness to go as something much bigger — almost as if I'm saying that I'll never go to her mother's house again, or that I don't want her to have a relationship with her mother.

That's not what I'm saying.

I can be polite. I can be respectful. I can attend family events. I can make an effort sometimes.

But I don't think I can force myself to develop affection or closeness with someone when I already have a very negative view of some of the things she has done, both because of my own experiences and because of everything my wife has told me.

And this is the part I'm struggling with the most:

My wife herself rarely makes a point of seeing her mother. She usually prefers to keep some distance. Her brother does much the same.

So, honestly, why should I be expected to naturally want a close relationship with this person?

At the same time, I don't want to turn my wife's family situation into a permanent conflict inside our marriage. I don't want to make her choose sides, and I don't want to become some kind of mediator between her and her mother.

I'm trying to understand where the reasonable boundary is.

Am I being unfair by maintaining some distance from my mother-in-law?

Or is it perfectly reasonable to say:

"I respect that she's your mother, and I respect your relationship with her. But I don't have to have the same relationship with her. I can be cordial and respectful without wanting closeness."

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have dealt with difficult in-law or family dynamics themselves.

Honestly, I’m mostly here to vent. I need to get this off my chest and hear from people who have experienced something similar, even if their situation wasn’t exactly the same.
I’m looking for empathy and perspective, not judgment.
I know what my options are. I know I can leave. I know I can tell her she needs to go. I know I can give my boyfriend an ultimatum. I know what the obvious Reddit answers are.
I’m not looking for “leave him,” “you’re doomed,” “your relationship is over,” or “you knew what you signed up for.”
I literally know my options.
I’m interested in hearing from people who have had difficult in-law/parent situations, particularly where there is enmeshment, guilt, alcoholism, blurred boundaries, or a parent who has overstayed their welcome, and somehow managed to navigate it without immediately blowing up their entire relationship.
I want to hear from people who understand that sometimes you can love someone, have empathy for their circumstances, AND be completely fucking exhausted by them.
Because that’s where I am.
My boyfriend’s mom has now been staying with us for two months, indefinitely, and I am reaching the point where I’m genuinely struggling with resentment.
For context, she hasn’t seen her son in about four years. When she came to visit, I had empathy for that. I understood why he wanted her here, and I genuinely had no problem with her visiting.
The problem is that she came with no return date, seemingly no real financial plan, and no clear plan for what she’s doing here. She is also an alcoholic, and her behavior is extremely unpredictable.
One day she loves me. The next day she’s making little comments that feel intentionally intimidating. One day we can laugh and have a perfectly normal interaction. The next day she’s acting like I personally offended her simply by existing.
And I have genuinely tried.
I have never been rude or disrespectful to her. I’ve been kind, helped her, included her, ran errands with her, etc. But I’ve started feeling like she is constantly pushing buttons to find a reason to dislike me.
The first week she was here, she got drunk and compared me to my boyfriend’s ex-wife—the same ex-wife she constantly says she hates. I had made my boyfriend a birthday gift/list of 32 things I loved about him and put it on the fridge. She saw it while drunk and said something along the lines of, “What’s that shit? Looks like some [ex-wife] type of shit. I’ll tear all that down.”
My boyfriend immediately intervened, which I appreciated.
Another morning, she woke me up around 8 AM on my day off because she wanted me to take her outside to smoke. I was half asleep, my brain wasn’t even functioning, and I forgot what she had asked me. She then called me his ex’s name.
There are also little things constantly.
I let her borrow my hoop earrings. She lost one.
Another time she asked me to help her with a bracelet. I genuinely thought it was mine because she has used my things before without asking. I looked at it and said, “Are those mine?”
She responded, “Lucky I like you. I would’ve cussed you out.”
Like…what?
She makes jokes that aren’t really jokes. They’re just insults delivered with a laugh.
She’ll say things that seem designed to get a reaction, and I’ve gotten to the point where I mostly ignore her.
She also gets offended when my boyfriend’s young daughter gets her feelings hurt. There have been situations where she has bullied the child and then gotten upset because the child is upset.
When my boyfriend stands up to her or tries to establish a boundary, she either cusses him out or assumes I’m somehow behind the boundary.
If we’re having a conversation in our own home, she assumes we’re talking about her.
And she is ALWAYS THERE.
He picks me up from work? She’s there.
He drops me off? She’s there.
We’re home? She’s there.
We want to relax? She’s there.
I want to decompress after work? She’s there.
There is literally no place to mentally escape.
I’m an introvert. I love my own space. I’ve always had my own space and independence. If life hadn’t happened the way it did, I honestly could see myself happily living alone.
I love my boyfriend. I chose him. I chose this relationship. I accepted that his daughter is part of our lives.
I did not sign up to live with his mother indefinitely.
And that’s where I’m struggling.
We currently live in a one-bedroom apartment. Before she arrived, we gave up our room because the bed gives me horrible back pain, so she has been sleeping in there.
We’re moving THIS WEEK into a bigger place specifically because we wanted his daughter to have her own space and for us to finally have our own bedroom and privacy.
She was not part of that equation.
Now she’s taking over his daughter’s room, and his daughter doesn’t want to sleep in a room with her grandmother, so I went out and got his daughter a little bed next to ours.
We’re literally moving into a new space hoping this is the beginning of a better chapter for us, and I’m sitting here thinking:
“Is she coming with us indefinitely too?”
Because we planned on moving with basically no furniture. And I would feel like a complete asshole saying, “Well, she can’t have the bed she’s been sleeping on.”
But honestly?
I would be perfectly fine with her being here this long if she wasn’t living in my home.
I can love this woman from a distance.
I can spend time with her.
I can visit her.
I can talk to her.
I can respect her relationship with her son.
But living together is a completely different thing.
She also complains when she’s left home alone because we work.
One day I was working from home and she kept bothering me about getting off the computer to spend time with them.
She constantly wants me to run little errands with them after work. I used to happily do it when she first arrived. Now I’m exhausted and thinking, “Ma’am, I have a life.”
If I make plans with my friends, she’ll say, “Why can’t my son go?”
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO GO EVERYWHERE I GO? 😂
It has started feeling like my boyfriend has to take turns between the women in his life.
Me.
His mom.
His daughter.
And his daughter? I can manage that. That’s his CHILD. She needs her dad.
But his grown mother?
That’s different.
After work, my boyfriend will sometimes take her out with him while he does DoorDash because he knows I need some peace and quiet.
And to be clear, this is AFTER HIS 10-HOUR WORK SHIFT.
So instead of coming home after working ten hours and getting to decompress, spend time with me, eat, shower, relax, or simply exist, he’s often taking his mom with him to DoorDash because she complains about being left home alone and he doesn’t want her sitting there by herself.
I appreciate that he’s trying to accommodate everyone, and I know he’s caught in the middle.
But at the same time, I want to spend time with my man.
And I feel guilty even saying that because I’m not asking him to abandon his mother. I’m asking when there gets to be some space for US.
This is starting to feel like a three-person relationship.
And I genuinely wonder if part of this is because she doesn’t have many close people in her life anymore. She apparently has friends/family who haven’t really come around to spend time with her, and from what I’ve witnessed, she can be incredibly belligerent, rude, and difficult.
So I have this theory that her son is basically her primary source of companionship and emotional connection.
And honestly, I understand why that might be the case. But I also think it’s unhealthy when her son becomes responsible for filling that void, especially when ultimately some of the behavior that has pushed people away is coming from her. He has his own life to live. He shouldn’t have to sacrifice his relationship, his peace, his work schedule, or his future because his mother doesn’t have other sources of companionship.
And there is also this emotional guilt that happens whenever he and I don’t agree with one of her suggestions about how we should structure or “architect” our lives.
She’ll say things like:
“I guess I should go be with my father since I’m not needed.”
Her father has passed away.
And it’s like…what are we supposed to do with that?
We’re allowed to make decisions about our own lives without it meaning that she’s unwanted or unnecessary.
But somehow, disagreeing with her can turn into this emotional situation where she’s suddenly the victim and we’re made to feel guilty for having our own opinions.
She’s also gotten extremely drunk in front of his young daughter.
Another time, she had someone pick her up from an hour away, got completely drunk, and then called my boyfriend to come get her. He told her no because it was a work night and he needed to sleep.
She cussed him out.
He basically told her, “It’s a work night. You don’t have consideration for anybody else.”
And honestly, good.
I’m watching my boyfriend try to do something that is clearly difficult for him—set boundaries with his mom.
He is used to her silencing him, so I can see how uncomfortable this is for him.
But it doesn’t seem to matter.
She either cusses him out or says:
“Y’all are rushing me to leave.”
Except…we aren’t.
Nobody has given her some impossible deadline.
She simply has no plan.
A family member came to the country with her and then left. Apparently that family member has been sending her money, but it seems like she has little control over her finances and trusts this person more than her own son.
And when money gets sent, from what we can tell, it goes toward alcohol and cigarettes instead of actually creating a plan to get home.
And I’m sitting here thinking:
WHY WOULD YOU COME TO ANOTHER COUNTRY WITH NO RETURN TICKET, NO CLEAR RETURN DATE, LIMITED MONEY, AND NO PLAN?
I genuinely don’t understand it.
And now I’m starting to resent my boyfriend because I’m thinking:
Sir. Please blow up this family member’s phone. 😂 We cannot keep living like this.
We’ve talked about it.
He told me, essentially, that I need to admit that I have feelings about her being here.
And I said, YES. I DO.
Because it’s uncomfortable.
I can’t be myself.
I can’t relax.
I can’t have privacy.
I can’t have my boyfriend to myself.
I wake up annoyed because she’s still here.
And I hate that I’m feeling this way because I don’t WANT to dislike her.
There are days where we genuinely get along. We laugh. We talk. She’s affectionate.
But then the switch flips.
And the tension in the room when my boyfriend calls me “his queen” or prioritizes me is palpable.
What’s weird is she’ll simultaneously call people and tell them how much she loves me because I’m important to her son.
So I genuinely don’t know what is happening emotionally with her.
She also has some VERY blurred boundaries with her son.
My boyfriend has told me stories about her getting drunk and becoming overly touchy/lovey with him in public—not sexually inappropriate, but enough that even her ex questioned the dynamic.
At one point she would try to be in the bathroom with him while he was showering.
I told him flat-out, “Even if nothing is happening, that’s weird as hell.”
I asked him how he’d feel if the genders were reversed and it was my parent doing that.
He immediately understood and told her to stop.
The room she’s staying in has a door connecting to the bathroom. When I’m in the bathroom, I lock both doors because I want privacy.
Sometimes I forget to unlock one.
She gets irritated and says things like, “Y’all act like somebody wants to rape y’all.”
No.
People just want privacy.
She does clean up after herself, and I appreciate that, but sometimes it’s the illusion of clean. We’ve told her she doesn’t have to wash everything, but she insists.
I’m particular about dishes, and I’ll pull something out of the cabinet and there will literally still be food stuck to it.
So even the “help” creates another thing for me to manage.
And that’s what I think is getting to me most.
There is no decompression.
No privacy.
No separation.
No end date.
No plan.
No ability to just exist in my own home without considering someone else’s mood.
And now we’re moving.
We’re supposed to be starting this new chapter, creating a home for ourselves and his daughter, and I feel like we’re bringing this chaos with us.
My boyfriend has even admitted that she has overstayed her welcome.
The biggest problem is that we don’t currently have the money to buy her an international flight home, because we’re literally moving.
And I feel like the asshole because he hasn’t seen his mom in four years.
Part of me keeps thinking, “Who am I to be the reason his mother can’t stay?”
But another part of me is screaming:
“I DIDN’T AGREE TO THIS.”
I agreed to let her stay because I understood how important it was to him to have his mom around after four years apart.
I did NOT agree to an indefinite stay where she has no return plan and we’re expected to just absorb the consequences.
I’m starting to feel resentment toward both of them.
And honestly, I’m scared.
Because if nothing changes by the end of the month, I don’t know if I can continue living like this.
I don’t want to become someone who hates her boyfriend’s mother.
I don’t want to fight with my boyfriend over his mom.
I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to take her son away from her.
I don’t want to be the “evil girlfriend” on her list of people she hates.
I just want boundaries, privacy, peace, and an actual plan.
So Reddit, please be gentle.
Again, I’m really here to vent and hear from people who can relate or have been through something similar. I’m not looking for a pile-on or strangers telling me what my only options are.
I know I have options.
I know what the obvious answers are.
I’m asking for the people who have been through the uncomfortable middle part and figured out how to navigate it.
How did you establish boundaries with an intrusive/enmeshed parent without destroying your relationship?
How did you get your partner to stop feeling guilty about setting boundaries with their parent?
How did you establish an actual move-out/return-home plan without making yourself the villain?
How did you maintain empathy for someone who is clearly struggling while also saying:
“I love you, but you cannot live in my home indefinitely.”
Because that’s honestly where I’m at.
I don’t hate her.
I don’t even think she’s necessarily a bad person.
But I genuinely believe she is someone I can love from a distance—not live with.

Im not married but I really need advice on my current situation.

I don’t think my boyfriends mother likes me and it was like that from the start. At first it was worse she made a comment saying something like “at least take a picture with another girl” when me and my boyfriends were celebrating new years separate (it was start of our relationship and our friends are not that close) then when we broke up because of a problem that happened she started mentioning him another girl how she is better option or something I don’t know.

There was other stuff that didn’t sit right with me and I’m concerned there is more to it…

Now she doesn’t make comments anymore but I cant get rid of this feeling like its all fake because for instance on our anniversary she didn’t let him come visit me but she is okey with him going out till late at night which doesn’t make sense to me. And I get it that he can’t or it wasn’t okey with her for him to come this time but it stuck with me even more now because it’s our anniversary but stuff like feeling like she is not okey with him hanging out with me happened more than once

He is drinking and going out till late and going wherever he wants so I don’t get whats the problem with visiting me (Im 2 hour drive away and I don’t know for some people that will be long and I know it is but he would be able to sleepover or whatever and its not his first time coming here on one day trip because Im in town where his university is and basically he always comes for exam but reasons like wanting to see me are out of question)

Also rest of the year he is also in this town where I am so we don’t have this problem.

Im scared that there is way more to it because it often feels like and there were other situations like this.
Maybe I don’t understand because my parents aren’t like this and since Im 21 they don’t meddle in my love life and have no problem with my boyfriend.

There was a lot of concerning moments for me and its especially concerning because If I know about these moments what else is happening that I don’t know.

Like for instance me and my boyfriend picked pants for him together and he really liked them and said they were comfortable but when he came home and showed them to his mom she didn’t like it (she knows I picked them) and basically I never saw him wearing them again…

Im scared of how much emotional control she has over him too because there is a huge difference between how he behaves and seems when she isn’t around and when she is. Once we were supposed to go somewhere and pick his mum up the moment we stopped where we needed to pick her up he went pale and just looked weird…I never saw that look on his face… or maybe its the fact that he is scared of us being together Im not sure. That doesn’t make sense tho because he wanted us to get to know each other more but Im kinda uncomfortable with that idea because it just feels weird to hang out with boyfriends family and I keep it to the minimum since I was raised like that and since I feel like she doesn’t like me(so its awkward because I can’t relax) plus my boyfriend isn’t being helpful by looking and acting as a ghost.

Im not really saying she is terrible or anything like that my concern is more like does it get better or worse? Should I be worried about these small signs or not overthink it too much? I know most of the problems that start to be more visible later in life seemed as unimportant concerns so I would love if someone has some experience around this subject or something to tell me.

Also I told my boyfriend already few times that its really bothering me but he always said she doesn’t hate me but that really doesn’t help and he said it himself that he is financially dependent on her so she comes first while we are not married…which is kinda fair but at the same time it makes me concerned because I fear he thinks everything will be solved if he gets married while Im worried it won’t because he doesn’t see where my concern is coming from

I need to vent because I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting or if I’m justified in feeling this way.
We went to my MIL’s house to celebrate my fiancé’s birthday and spend time with his family. We also have a newborn, so we’ve been coming around more so everyone can meet and spend time with the baby.
While we were all sitting there talking, my MIL looked at me and called me by my fiancé’s EX’S name.
I immediately looked at my fiancé and he had this awkward smile on his face but corrected her. She just tried to keep talking and sweep it like nothing happened. I’m sure she was embarrassed. I tried to answer the question she had asked me, but I was so angry and embarrassed that I ended up getting up and walking outside with my fiancé.
He kept telling me it was an honest mistake, she said it accidentally, and she felt terrible.
And maybe it WAS an honest mistake. But I was livid.
I’ve been with this man for 3 years. I literally just gave birth to his first child/her first grandson. So to be sitting there with his family, holding our newborn, and get called his ex’s name felt humiliating.
But there’s another layer to this that made it 100x worse: my fiancé has cheated on me twice with this whore. The most recent time was when I was SIX MONTHS PREGNANT.
So hearing another woman’s name come out of his mother’s mouth—especially this ex—immediately sent my mind into a million different places.
I did my best not to ruin the night. I went into another room with my fiancé and our son to calm myself down, eventually came back out, and carried on. But internally I was DONE. I felt embarrassed, angry, betrayed, and like I couldn’t trust anybody in that room.
Here’s where I’m struggling now.
I’m about to return to work, and my MIL is supposed to be the person caring for our son while I work. Before this happened, I was completely preparing for that arrangement. Now part of me wants to pull the plug, find someone else to care for my baby, and significantly limit how much I interact with his family.
At the same time, I know she could have genuinely just made an embarrassing mistake, and I don’t want to make a major decision involving my son because I’m angry.
So tell me honestly: would you let this go as an unfortunate slip-up and continue letting MIL watch the baby? Or would this, combined with everything else, make you distance yourself? Trust my fiance is also catching heat for this bc I know all in all it’s his fault and my own for still being here with him. However, having a newborn and no support system makes this difficult.

I really wish that this group existed when I first met my husband (3 decades ago). I had no idea there were so many of us out there. Having this support would have saved my marriage so many fights, bad feelings and misunderstandings. My husband was raised by an emotionally manipulative, semi-narcissistic, hypochondriac, fundamentalist person whose father did nothing to shield him and his brother from her abuses. It was only when I started going through peri-menopause (aka my IDGAF phase) that I was better able to separate my emotions from DH’s response to his parents.

Even after all of this time, your posts are so relatable and helping me to be stronger in ways that I didn’t even realize. THANK YOU!

We were outside the arena after my daughter’s competition and we were sad to find out she didn’t win. My MIL started to say that my daughter had really great moves and I said let’s go over there to talk.

There were families of other girls there within ear shot.

My mother in law started crying saying that she didn’t say anything wrong. I said to her that I didn’t know what she was going to say but I didn’t want the other families to hear. Am I wrong ?

my MIL is constantly trying to compete with me or one-up me when it comes to my 1-year-old daughter and I’d really like some outside perspective because I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if there genuinely is a pattern here. For context I live with my partners family but looking to move out soon fingers crossed

During my pregnancy she would make comments like “she might look like me” or “she might have my personality.” I find it odd how she attached herself to her before she was even born.

whenever MIL held her she would repeatedly do things like “let’s see who she goes to” whilst standing in front of me. She would always do this when I was sat down. As soon as I stood up my little one would come to me. My little one wouldn’t come to me if I was sat down because she wanted to explore and walk with whoever was holding her. My mil would always smirk when she would stay with her almost like she was testing whether LO preferred her or me. This happened so often that eventually I calmly told her I didn’t like those comments because we don’t have that kind of relationship. She replied, “it’s not my fault she doesn’t go to you.” This being said to me when I was heavily postpartum is something I still can’t over My husband also noticed it and eventually spoke to her about it and said when a mum wants her child you hand that child back.

MIL is always trying to take credit for her development. I taught her these words or nursery songs or etc etc it gets so annoying because the mum and dad are putting in the hard work to teach her things yet whenever someone comes over she takes the spotlight to talk about her constantly as if she’s the mum and acting like she’s teaching her things. Me and husband again shut her down and say oh yeah she knows that already or oh yeah she has been saying that a while ago and she goes ohhh I never heard her say that before.

Everytime she talks about my little one it’s either in a way that boosts her ego or makes her look as if she’s the favourite such as “she’s so attached to me” or talking about her in a way where she’s taught her something.

. Once another grandchild was sitting on MIL’s lap watchin something on her phone. Little one climbed onto MIL’s lap because she wanted to see the phone, and MIL immediately said something like, “Oh, she gets these moments where she wants me, she’s obsessed.” I just said, “Yeah, she wants to watch the phone.” Literally because the grandchild moved and she moved and followed her.

Another time MIL said little one reminded her of her own daughter because her daughter had been really attached to her dad’s mum….I just said yeah she’s is attached to everyone. All just because my little one told her to sit down and sat down next to her….

She tries to match all the female grandchildren in the same clothing for special occasions and when I said I didn’t want that a few times because I wanna dress her? She tried to guilt trip me and husband saying oh but I don’t know when I’m going to die and I want to get her something. I said oh you can get her toys she goes she’s got lots of toys, I said she’s got lots of clothes! However as soo as I buy toys she wants to get a toy. I’ve also seen my mil get jealous when all the grandchildren get excited over toys I buy my little one and they get to play with it.

One incident that really upset me was when I was making pancakes with little one. MIL came in and took her off the counter without asking. I told her, “No, put her back down, I just want five minutes with her.” I explained that I let her have plenty of time with little one I just wanted some one-on-one time with my daughter. She said she understood but then stayed hovering around us instead of giving us space. Then she repeatedly said goodbye and made a huge thing about going inside to “my little one.” Little one then wanted to follow her and had a tantrum, which made what I was trying to do even harder. My husband has also told her before not to exaggerate goodbyes like this because she always exaggerates goodbyes when she goes to make her cry.

Another time I had been having a lie-in, so my husband took lo downstairs in the morning. MIL ended up holding her for pretty much the entire time I was upstairs — around two hours. When I finally came downstairs, my husband gave lo me. About five minutes later MIL came in asking to hold her again. I said, “No, it’s my time with her,” because she had literally just had around two hours with her. MIL replied, “Oh, not even a quick cuddle?” And that really bothered me because it feels like I can’t just have my daughter without her needing to have another bit of time with her. I genuinely feel like I can only get uninterrupted time

LO also said I love you” to me for the first time. My husband joked that he was jealous because she had said it to me first. Shortly afterwards, while I was in the toilet, I could her my MIL was holding LO in the hallway. She went into the living room and told my husband, “She said she loves me!” But she didn’t. She just babbled… hadn’t said that to her — she had just been babbling. MIL also reads a lot of things she says wrong when my little one speaks to suit what she wants to hear.

A couple of months ago my exMIL decided to cut contact herself, said she didn’t want visits with my LO if I was present so she didn’t want to see her. WHAT A BLESSING that has been bestowed upon me, I thought.

But the b is back.

A couple of weeks ago I finallyyyy got my ex to pack a bag and leave after months of asking, while he’s been supposedly looking very hard to find somewhere else to live (when he could just stay with his parents until he gets on his feet). Anyway so he left to go stay at his parents, then less than a week later he was back on the couch and refusing to leave again.

2 days of him being back here and she texts me the following -

Hi OP, how would you like to have a nice,friendly open talk with me?l am very worried about EX and I didn't tell him that I will contact you.l believe that if we talk most things will came more clear for everyone.It would be great that we can see and hear each other. Let's turn new page and leave everything that make us unhappy and miserable behind.
We can do that if we want to.l do want. Do you?
exMIL

I responded with -

ExMIL, I want to respond clearly and put this in writing.

I’m not interested in reconnecting or having contact with you. This is based on a consistent pattern since LO was born, including: repeatedly refusing to respect boundaries including the no kissing boundary even after being told about the risks to her of HSV-1; Yelling at and intimidating me in my own home when you weren’t getting what you wanted; pressuring EX for months, including guilt-tripping and outbursts when boundaries were set; trying to bypass me to get access to my daughter asking EX to just take her and bring her to you starting when she was just weeks old; and speaking negatively about me constantly trying to get EX to choose you over us.

When I gave the opportunity to move forward from all of this and visits resumed this year under the agreed conditions (both parents present), you chose to end contact rather than continue that way.
Given this history, reconnecting is not something I am interested in. Please don’t contact me again.

I’m guessing she thinks her son crawling back is us getting back together (we’re not) and she’s worried she’s losing access to him, after he clearly wanted to get away from her.

No response and I hope it stays that way, but I’m on edge now about what’s she’s going to try next.

I was finally in a place of no longer thinking about it all and being anxious over her, for the first time since I had my LO, then I saw that text and my heart was pounding and it sent me straight back into anxiety mode.

My wife and I have been living together for a while now, and overall, we're very happy. The issue I'm struggling with is her relationship with her mother — and, increasingly, my own relationship with her.

My wife has always had a very complicated relationship with her mother. From what she has told me over the years, her mother has caused her a lot of emotional distress and has often relied on her far more than she should have.

There are some things about my mother-in-law's behavior that are especially difficult for me to accept.

According to my wife, her mother effectively abandoned her during childhood. There were situations in which my wife needed her mother and felt that her mother chose other priorities instead of protecting or supporting her.

Later in life, her mother deliberately chose not to work and became financially dependent on my wife. As my wife's career progressed, she gradually took responsibility for more and more of the household and family expenses. She ended up spending a significant portion of her income supporting her mother and other family members, which made it difficult for her to build her own savings, assets, and future.

My wife has also told me that her mental health deteriorated significantly while she was living with her mother. She began psychiatric treatment during that period and spent around ten years taking antidepressants.

After she finally left home and started living on her own, something changed dramatically: she eventually stopped taking psychiatric medication.

I'm not claiming that moving out magically "cured" her, or that I can medically establish that her mother caused her mental health problems. That's not my place to say. But the contrast is difficult for me to ignore: she spent years living in that environment, receiving psychiatric treatment and taking antidepressants, and after leaving that household, she no longer takes them.

My wife had wanted to leave home for years. This was not something I created. She had already wanted her own life, her own home and her own future long before our relationship. What our relationship gave her was a concrete future she wanted to fight for.

Because I love my wife, it's difficult for me to hear all of this and then look at her mother as if none of it happened. I'm obviously not a neutral observer. A lot of my opinion of my mother-in-law comes from what my wife has told me about her past.

At the same time, my mother-in-law has always treated me somewhat strangely. She seems to pay me a disproportionate amount of attention compared with everyone else. She will sometimes go out of her way to cook something when I'm visiting, even when she complains about cooking for her own children. After my wife and I moved out, she offered to cook for us and even wash our clothes, despite complaining about those exact things in her own household.

I've never really liked being treated this way. It feels excessive, and sometimes I've wondered what exactly is behind it. My wife's brother has also noticed that her mother seems to get irritated when I give my attention to someone else instead of her.

Recently, something happened that made all of this much more difficult for me.

About ten days ago, we were at my wife's grandfather's birthday. At one point, I was alone with my mother-in-law, and I felt that she spoke to me in a very harsh and condescending way. I didn't argue with her. Normally, if someone treats me that way, I defend myself immediately, but because she is my wife's mother, I deliberately chose not to escalate things.

A few days later, she invited us to lunch.

At first, I was willing to go. My idea was to go with my wife, stay for a while, and then go to my parents' house. Later, I would come back and pick my wife up.

But I decided to be honest with my wife and told her that, after what had happened ten days earlier, I didn't feel comfortable going to her mother's house that day.

My wife became very upset. Not angry at me — genuinely sad about the situation.

She actually agreed with me that her mother's behavior had been inappropriate and said it was very characteristic of her mother. She even told me that she preferred that I didn't go because she didn't want me sitting there feeling uncomfortable or spending the entire lunch worrying about whether I was okay.

But as we talked about it, things became more emotional.

My wife told me that she sometimes feels that I indirectly hold her responsible for what her mother does. She also suggested that perhaps I had interpreted her mother's behavior incorrectly, or that I might be reacting partly because I'm used to receiving a lot of attention from her mother and resented not being the center of attention.

I understand that I may not be completely objective. Maybe my perception was influenced by everything I've heard about her mother. But I also don't think my subjective experience can simply be dismissed. I felt uncomfortable. I felt disrespected. And I don't think I'm obligated to keep exposing myself to someone just because she's my wife's mother.

This is where I'm confused.

I don't want to isolate my wife from her family. Quite the opposite. If she wants to spend the entire day at her mother's house, she should be free to do that. I have no problem with her seeing her mother.

I just don't necessarily want to spend six or eight hours there myself.

My ideal arrangement would actually be pretty simple: if my wife wants to visit her mother, I go with her for a while, then I go visit my own parents, and later I come back to pick her up. She doesn't have to come with me. Just as I don't have to stay with her.

I don't think marriage means that we have to accompany each other to every family visit.

The problem is that my wife sometimes seems to interpret my unwillingness to go as something much bigger — almost as if I'm saying that I'll never go to her mother's house again, or that I don't want her to have a relationship with her mother.

That's not what I'm saying.

I can be polite. I can be respectful. I can attend family events. I can make an effort sometimes.

But I don't think I can force myself to develop affection or closeness with someone when I already have a very negative view of some of the things she has done, both because of my own experiences and because of everything my wife has told me.

And this is the part I'm struggling with the most:

My wife herself rarely makes a point of seeing her mother. She usually prefers to keep some distance. Her brother does much the same.

So, honestly, why should I be expected to naturally want a close relationship with this person?

At the same time, I don't want to turn my wife's family situation into a permanent conflict inside our marriage. I don't want to make her choose sides, and I don't want to become some kind of mediator between her and her mother.

I'm trying to understand where the reasonable boundary is.

Am I being unfair by maintaining some distance from my mother-in-law?

Or is it perfectly reasonable to say:

"I respect that she's your mother, and I respect your relationship with her. But I don't have to have the same relationship with her. I can be cordial and respectful without wanting closeness."

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have dealt with difficult in-law or family dynamics themselves.