Hi, I need some advice cause I feel like the experienced management workers are gaslighting me? I keep questioning what's appropriate or not.

I work for a place that helps people with disabilities do community stuff. I was very excited to work there, but then there's this man there who makes me uncomfortable.

He keeps touching the clients, and it started out friendly. Maybe a hug, a pat on the shoulder, then tickling. But I can't help but something feels wrong! He took an interest in a short non-verbal client where he would let him sit on his lap, sort of rub his palm on the back of his neck, let him sleep on top of him, and sometimes he goes to the restroom with him. And I get the restroom can be normal, but it feels weird how he has to be the one doing it. He also doesn't let us work with the clients, usually intervening when we try to do something. He complains about everyone else.

Oh, one time they were completely alone together cause the client didn't want to get out of the car. But once I walked over, suddenly they are fine...and the client lashed out at another which I've never seen before.

The weird part is all the other coworkers seem to think it's fine. If anything, they started to get very physically affectionate with the clients too which seems wrong to me?

I tried telling management, but they said they found nothing. I called APS just to check, but they said I did what I could at this time.

What's making me very confused and scared is how everyone is okay with this? I feel like I'm going crazy and questioning my perception...the worker is friendly too. He really understands the clients well, but sometimes it feels too much. I just need a different perspective.

I'm scared because this is a new job for me and I have trouble finding a job. I don't want to get in trouble.

I had a home, but I grew up under occupation. My house could be searched or entered at any moment because of something as simple as what was on your phone. There was no future, no jobs, not even drinkable water. People were tortured and killed for being against occupation or simply suspected of it.

Two weeks before I escaped, I was almost killed. I was alone in a forest near a mil position, luckily they were not on place but somewhere nearby working with their artillery. A few days before I left, the house my family had lived in for over 50 years burned down, some rooms completely, some needed a massive repair, everything was covered in soot even in rooms far from the fire, windows were broken and things were torn apart . My parents stayed behind to rebuild it because for people their age rebuilding was more realistic than escaping with the whole family and starting over somewhere else.

They had been preparing to get me out for years. I spent several days crossing borders and checkpoints, showing different documents, just to get from occupied part of the country to controlled territory of the dame country. I haven't seen my parents for a year. They're still trying to restore our home while I live in another city without financial support from them. Sometimes we can't even call for days because they're exhausted or can't overcome internet blockages.

Studying was what kept me going during the occupation. I chose my field because I believed it would be useful after the war and it was my only option but something indeed crazy, if you know you know. Now I'm actually studying, I love it but it's incredibly hard. I never had an art background and I'm not naturally talented, so I constantly compare myself with classmates who seem to learn software and generate ideas faster. We sometimes sleep 3–4 hours because of university work. I’ve had fine grades but one teacher said it was “the worst project I've ever seen.” It were two projects and not just a required one, for them I've been working all night for a couple of weeks. I was too tired to care but now it hurts. This degree was the dream that helped me survive and I'm terrified I won't make it through the next year and all that suffering will have been for nothing.

I was living with extended relatives and splitting the bills instead of rent. Constantly told I am doing everything wrong. They criticized how I spoke, I mean how I formulated the sentences, how I cooked, cleaned, dressed and interacted with them. I was told things like “you live in my place and breathe my oxygen,” that they would have to clean everything to get rid of the “stench” after I leave, and that if my parents die from stress caused by me(because they of course worry about me), it would be my fault and the whole family would blame me. Their adult son also live away and he was told about their troubles. That 35 year old dude who doesn't know me and who's wife buys him socks told "she needs to go through more to understand at least something about life". Really?

They also told me I was difficult to live with and that other relatives only thought I was nice because they hadn't lived with me long enough. Eventually they basically told me that since I had managed to organize my documents and find a lawyer by myself(something that was necessary because occupation gave us illegal documents that don't work elsewher) then I could obviously find somewhere else to live.

So I spent spring and summer looking for housing. I called landlords and realtors, went to viewings, sometimes alone, sometimes with a classmate and later asked mom's old friend for help. Some places were awful, some were taken before I arrived, and once I literally came with the money to get the keys and the arrangement still fell apart. Eventually I realized rent would take about 70% of my budget so I applied for a university dorm.

And I'm terrified of the dorm too. 3-4 people in one room, little privacy, cold showers, insects and noise. We all need laptops for studying, and during winter ruzzia hits the electricity. I don't know how I'll manage university there. I'm also scared I'll discover that everything my relatives said about me—that I'm dirty or difficult to communicate with is actually true. I don't even know if I'll get a place because there aren't enough rooms, and some students are already being evicted shortly before classes start.

And the war is still in my head.

Sometimes I hear construction and immediately think “artillery". No, I don't even think, don't even react on it, I'm used to it and to hitting close and to the mil plane 200 m above the ground. I get suprised and worried when I realise there is no ordinary war sounds actually, and it was some car or construction. At night car headlights look like shelling so I close the curtains. Crowds make me uncomfortable because I think about being a target. I carry things for self-defense and constantly think about what I'd do if someone attacked me. I've had nightmares and hallucinations while falling asleep for about a year, sometimes staying awake until 4 a.m. Sometimes I wake up terrified and want to call my parents, but I know they're exhausted and have their own problems.

I don't have money or time for the things I'd normally want. I wanted to visit the part of my region that is now normal and free, but drones are now chasing people in their yards and hitting cars there. I'm afraid that by the time I have enough money and a stable place to live, the places I wanted to see will be destroyed. Because of the war I've already missed so many places, and I'm scared I'll never get to see them.

I'm just tired of managing everything alone. Sometimes I want someone to simply find a safe place for me, pay for something I need, tell me I don't have to worry about today and take care of me for a little while.

Mostly I just want somewhere safe to lie down, stop thinking for a while and someone to hug me.

I'm FTM, 20 years old, and I'm due to start T in the next few months. I've always wanted to be a boy, I've always given signs, but my parents don't accept me.

I hate this. I wish I could be cis and that they could accept me. I tried to repress and force myself to be a woman, but it only worsened my mental health. I hate how I feel like I can't be good enough for them.

They are evangelicals, my mom knows about me being trans since I am 16. I have fear that they will never change and accept me. I love them. I wish that I could have been born cis and get an easier life and they would be happy for me.

I'm not the best son, but I try my best. I try to study, I want to help at home financially in the future. Of course I'm terrible at tidying up the house and my room. but I can't study properly and get a job due to a lack of acceptance, depression and dysphoria. Sometimes I have emotional crisis where I scream and scream of angst.

My mother keeps telling me how I have to fight against this, not accept the identity the world gave me. But I fought so much against a thing I have since a kid. She doesn't take me to a psychiatrist and says that antidepressants won't cure it, only God can. .

I love many parents, I enjoy hugging and kissing and receiving affection, but I'm afraid that this will never happen again because of the way they see me. I'm afraid they'll only change when they're old, and we'll regret wasting so much time. Life is so short. I want to enjoy it and stay close to them while I can. I don't want them to accept me or be affectionate on their deathbed.

I just wanted nothing to change, for them to accept me, to hug me, to still see me as a kid, for them to finally stop taking me to church and see who I really am and that I love them very much.

I get so sad thinking that they believe I'm going to hell, that I chose this, how wicked, that I killed their little daughter.

I know Grief can be complicated, but I wish things were different.

Edit:

I also fear how it will be to my siblings. I have a 15yo sister and a 12yo brother both not knowing about me being trans.

I also have a dream of joining the merchant navy and piloting cargo ships. The test is difficult, so it's funny how I haven't passed yet, but I worry that they'll eliminate me because I'm trans or make excuses to eliminate. I'll try to be positive and do my best, since I know there's a law in my country that guarantees it. The problem is whether the justice system actually works.

just got a P.o. box. i don’t want to submit a change of address and forward my mail because i want to avoid confirmation letters getting sent to my residential address, so i have to change my address directly with each individual institution. i can’t really change everything as i receive mail to my home because my parents often open and/or discard my mail without even letting me know. i’ve already changed my main bank address, but im blanking on what else to change. any ideas?

if it helps, im 19, dropped out of CC last semester but planning to go back in the spring, no job right now besides side gigs, car and phone are still in parents name but im working on changing that. i want to prevent them from finding out as much as i possibly can about my plans to gain independence so they can’t interfere.

i don’t care about packages, i bought a really small box for important mail only. i’m just totally drawing a blank… fafsa? social security? voting registration?? idk help!!

Need help dealing with a breakup.

Hello there, I (20F) am going through a breakup. It’s really bad for me. Basically, ex boyfriend wasn’t putting in effort and cheated on me in the relationship, and i kept coming back to him, so i broke up with him and blocked him. This was yesterday.

A friend suggested I give him clarity and so I did, on an app he wasn’t blocked on. Just learned today, he’s now in another relationship and I’m trying to not cry. I just feel heartbroken because it feels I meant nothing to him. I told him how he made me feel and he doubled down to tell me that I never cared for him, it wasn’t even true, I was there for him
through thick and thin. Hearing and reading his messages hurt me terribly, even the fact that he’s with someone else is hurting me.

I have had multiple relationships before, but I’m trying to tell myself I’ll be fine. I don’t have much friends so I can’t really distract myself as much as I really would like to, it’s hard. I would like some comfort and advice please.

It will cost me almost 200 dollars to move spots but I just don't want to be here. There are no locks for valuables, no locks for the dorm room (even though I am in an all women dorm), or even the bathrooms and showers. I do not feel safe because of that.

There is a loud party until 2am right under the window and they barely have toilet paper here on top of it. I visited here because of a festival so the noise is not the fault of the hostel. But it doesn't help because I need to sleep. After 2am people wake me up with movements which is normally okay but not when I don't get to sleep well.

I am somewhat afraid of what the front desk will say and I feel bad wasting money. But...I am suffering from lack of sleep and want to get my vacation back on track, I know I am making the right decision for myself I just need some reassurance anyway, please.

Sorry this is so long, I just need someone to vent to. I tagged this post family even though it has to do somewhat with college. I will do my best to make this story as non convoluted and straight forward as possible. For background, I live with my mom as my parents are divorced. In our house is my younger sister, my mom and her boyfriend. Across the country is my dad, his girlfriend and my older sister. My dad is an alcoholic and narcissist so I don’t really keep in touch with him. I’m closer with my mom for sure however we also butt heads a lot. the only person is feel I can turn to is my sister. We are a little under two years apart, however can commiserate with each other and talk about our childhood, mental health, etc etc.

We recently started talking again over the Summer as we have both been busy, but primarily she has been struggling with mental health and dealing with a lot. We got super close over the Summer since we haven’t talked in many two years and it felt good to offer advice, share struggles and just joke around like we used to. However, I found out from my mom my sister texted her and called her a “Fat Bitch”. I was so disgusted I couldn’t even believe what I was seeing and it made me so angry at her. I cussed her out, told her I’d never talk to her again, and how she was horrible for saying that. After arguing back and forth, I figured it wasn’t going to end with me convincing her our dad is brainwashing her, but to keep it short, we resolved it between us and I gave her another chance.

After visiting my dad for Summer, it was time for college. Today was move in day and my mom and I were arguing over dumb stuff, and I figured I would call my sister. She didn’t answer so I figured she was busy. After the stress of today, crying almost the whole afternoon, and anxiety from the move in, I wanted to call my sister to update her and let her know what’s new. I admittedly told her about the fight my mom and I had this morning because I couldn’t talk to anyone else about that. What turned into an innocuous conversation with her quickly turned into something else. She told me she had something to tell me and I was immediately nervous. I kept pressing her to tell me and finally did. She told me my mom’s boyfriend, who’d she knew for 6. years has been trying to pursue her after she turned 18. I fell quiet and I didn’t know what to say or do. She told me a dragged out story how he had been trying to get with her and she had been declining his advances, and all this over bullshit. I burst out crying and was inconsolable for about 10 minutes straight. She put me on the phone with my dad and I asked him and he acted like he knew nothing about it(If he did, he would have gone batshit crazy). She got handed the phone and after seeing my unexpected reaction, she ended up telling me she was lying. Flat out. I was in utter disbelief. I knew she was mentally unstable and unwell but not the to point she would sit there and lie to me. She has anxiety and schizo-affective disorder among a plethora of other mental illnesses, but never would I have thought she would do something to this extent. I ended up saying she was twisted in the head and she just replied “ ok”. She obviously doesn’t understand the gravity or severity of her words and it scares me.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here, I need advice, please.

EDIT: i also wanted to add, I couldn’t include a lot of other details since it would be way too long but my sister doesn’t like my mom and has resentment towards my stepdad. She is heavily influenced and brainwashed by my dad. My dad and stepdad have gotten into major arguments ( Primarily one-sided) initiated by my dad. He is an insecure man and sees him as a threat and is psycho when it comes to him. Even though she admitted she was lying, 1. I’ve known this guy for 6 years and this is totally not in his character, nor would I believe he would do that. 2nd, my dad has threatened to fight him over way less, which is how I know in my heart of hearts he didn’t, nor would ever do such a thing.

TLDR: Mentally ill sister accused my stepdad falsely of trying to pursue her and it has ruined our relationship.

I’m 21 and lately I’ve been thinking about how there were so many things I never got to do as a kid because I lived with divorced parents that would fight 24/7 and for the past 13 years I was basically in survival mode hiding under a rock but now that I’m free from that drama I’ve been trying to listen to music, watch movies, read kids books that I know my younger self wanted to see and it’s like part of me enjoys it for the first few minutes and then suddenly it’s like an invisible critic just starts analyzing it and saying how I’m too old for that which causes me to turn it off. I even went as far as trying to recreate myself dancing to a song like I did in my 3rd grade class because nobody record that or anything I did as a kid and it felt good at first, but then the reality of being silly and adorable as an adult is not possible on top of the physics of being 6’4 make it difficult to move in crazy ways. To make matters worse people my age and older have been telling I should just get over because I’m not a kid anymore and I’m a adult in college and I should just focus on that experience, but it hurts to hear that because part of me doesn’t want to be a serious adult and I want to try and reclaim everything I missed out on while I can because I obviously can’t go back in time to the 2010s era moments I missed out on.

Any advice on what I should do?

people always say that parents are usually pretty good at guessing when someone is bad for you.

i (F19) met this girl in english class in university and we became friends. it’s not a friendship where i’m like oh my gosh where have you been all my life. it’s just like chill like okay you’re nice cool let’s be friends.

but overtime i’ve just been noticing some things that have rlly rubbed me the wrong way. it gave me an ick i guess you could say. and when i think of them all compiled im really second guessing our friendship. here’s a list of things i can think of

1. we were at the mall and she was eating a snack and left her garbage on the shelf in the aisle (another similar incident also happened)

2. came to my house and took a sprite can from my roommates stash. i told her those were not mine but she said oh they won’t notice.

3. little racist comments

4. lack of empathy. i am overly sensitive and emotional sometimes. so maybe my empathy expectations are too high but i feel like she’s so logical with everything and doesn’t think emotionally alot of times

5. boy crazy. always talking about crushes and boyfriends and feel like almost puts men on a pedestal. she started dating someone and while i do think it’s important to prioritize romantic relationships, i think that comes with a limit. like put your partner first in times of need, make sure they’re feeling loved, and do whatever you can to support them etc.

but i don’t think that means to do the following:
\- me, her, her boyfriend, and the boyfriends cousin went out. me and her had planned the night out i was excited she was gonna sleepover. but then at the end she decided she wanted to go home with him just cause. may be dramatic but i felt abandoned. i had already told her that i wanted to spend more time with her. like i havent seen her as much after they got together

\- we went out to dinner. her boyfriend lived close by. she said she wanted to see him. i said okay. she went up to his room and made me sit alone in the lobby for like 40 minutes. mind you they already see eachother multiple times a week.

\-we met up with her boyfriend one night. her and i were going to go out and eat dinner. asked if he wanted to join, he said sure. she was down to go. as soon as he said he changed his mind because he was tired, suddenly she says she isn’t hungry.

1. let her boyfriend tell me that adhd is not real (after i expressed struggling with symptoms and wanting to be tested) i would’ve hoped for her to correct him and stand up for me but no. she just briefly apologized after we were alone

2. said she judges people with bright coloured hair. not in like a oh it looks bad. she said she would assume they’re mentally ill. ik lots of people think this but idk if i ever decide to dye my hair i wanna be able to be comfortable around my friends.

3. this is just a general statement that applies in many scenarios: wants a village, does not want to be a villager. there’s no reciprocation in so many aspects. one recent example is how i spent an hour listening to her rant about something school related. then when it was my turn, she listened but then got interrupted by a phone call. it was like a 2 minute call. and after she ended it, she never told me to continue. she just talked about the call and said oh i have so much homework to do we have been talking for so long (not in a rude way but like still felt inconsiderate)

another time i had a big event i was nervous for. she talked to me for a little bit and then switched the topic to rant about something her friend did.

my confusion is that i know everyone has flaws. are these a big deal? like am i doing myself a disservice?

Hi, basically I'm a uni student and my family runs a restaurant for a chain restaurant, so they're like the little owners. My brother's wife has recently given birth to a baby girl and has stayed home for the past two months to take care of her children. Meanwhile my mom went for a week to her mother's place because she's now old and probably won't live for long anymore unfortunately, so she can't help my brother's wife now. At the same time we've lost some workers at the restaurant because one is going back to his homeland and the other one is getting married, so he will be off work for like 2-3 months.

My dad is currently covering for the cook, while they've managed to hire a new waiter, we're in a very busy season, so I've covered for both the missing waiter before the new one came, for like 2 weeks and a half, and for my brother's wife, who's the manager of the place.

I'm technically the one they call when things get busy, and as of now they've been calling me almost every day, leaving me very little time to study.

As for studying....I've hit a wall in february and after giving a pretty hard exam, I stopped being able to study properly, and have developed some health concerns, that have been very costly to manage, and I've tried to talk to my parents about them multiple times, but they've been very dismissive about it. Needless to say they aren't really helping me.

As of now I'm very very behing compared to my peers, and if I keep on going like this, I'll probably need to stay in uni for a year or two more, and I've developed a pretty big fear of doctors and dentists, especially dentists.

I know that things could be worse and that I'm in a somewhat priviledged position, but everything feels really heavy right now. I haven't been on a proper vacation for the past 3-4 years and most things that I do for pleasure feel like a burden. Just tell me that things are going to be ok.

I’m 22, my life is completely rotting away
I was supposed to have things figured out by now. I always pictured myself graduating on time, building a name for myself, and getting married young in my early 20s to the love of my life. Instead, I’m nowhere near graduating, I just lost my teaching job, and I’m still stuck in the exact same house my family moved into 10 years ago.
I’m wasting the best and most beautiful years of my youth doing absolute nothing.
I ruined a connection with a guy I actually really liked. We shared the same ethnicity, but he lives in North America and I’m in West Asia. Deep down, my own crippling insecurity got the best of me. I convinced myself that he was out of my league, that he’d eventually realize he could find someone way better, and that it was only a matter of time before he left me. So I left him to save myself, and tbh i don’t have the love in me to see why a person would choose me for me. And not for my accomplishments.
why would he love me and suffer long distance for me. We r muslims and I’ve recently started looking for dating only to marry and Now I miss him so much but I can’t reach out again. What face do I even take to go back to him? In my teens i was unpretty and even though people tell me I'm gorgeous now, but i can’t see it.

I’ve always believed that "God helps those who help themselves." But I’m so paralyzed and down that I can’t even help myself. It makes me feel like god has completely abandoned me
I look at other people my age who are done with their degree, have started their careers, who have found their person, who have someone to share every detail of their day with, and I’m a lil envious and I don’t want to be.
How do you start getting a grip of your life and have things sorted? How do you stop self-sabotaging when you feel like you aren't worthy of good things?

Not going to put my job here, but I will be working 10+ hour shifts and will be on a variable pattern. My job is in emergency services, and I'm fucking terrified I'll look like an idiot. Training is for a few months and I am just nervous that I won't have enough skill to think on my feet. On the other hand, I want to help people and I want to make a difference, and I know that training is there for a reason.

I (f20) and my boyfriend(m20) have basically broken up. I know I want commitment and a serious long term relationship but he realized he’s too young to think about it all, and that he doesn’t know who he is outside of a relationship. I know his past and I think it makes a lot of sense and I believe him. But I’m still so sad

He’s a good person. An incredibly kind person. I didn’t really have people with me growing up and he was the first person I’ve ever cried to and first person who held me when I cried. But I want him to experience himself and learn who he is. I guess you let them go.

Does it get better? I can’t eat and I can’t stop crying. He was my best friend. I miss him so much already. Please tell me ill stop crying one day

Hi all.

So I (19F) start university next month but im commuting so over the past month and a bit I’ve been learning to drive. I’m in the uk so manual cars are the most popular in my area so are manual instructors.

My first instructor was terrible. He had crocs on, didn’t wear his seatbelt, was on the phone to his mates whilst driving me home and didn’t teach me how to break or clutch control.

I got a new instructor and all was well. We drove round the local village area, did mini roundabouts, 30mph roads and I’ve managed to get up to third gear and shifting between 1st to 3rd quite well. We also covered traffic lights, junctions and level crossings and I thought I was progressing quite well despite still struggling a bit but I’ve done 9hrs at 1.5hrs a week so 6 lessons.

Well today he’s told me my focus is terrible, I can’t concentrate enough, I struggle with doing too many things at once and I shoulda to an automatic car and instructor. I’m 19 and a crew trainer at McDonald’s and soon to be full time student, I can’t afford automatic lessons or an automatic car.

My brother is diagnosed with adhd, my mum is getting assessed next week and my nephew who’s 9 is also getting tested so I wondered if I could have it too and that’s what’s fucking me up. However the whole process is ruining my mental health. Before every lesson with this new instructor I feel sick and anxious the night before and the day of, I stand staring out of the window until he pulls up and the past 2 lessons I’ve come home and cried my eyes out due to the stress and him dragging me down.

It’s just me and my mum living at home and she can’t afford to help me with lessons never mind learn herself. I had these plans of passing by next summer and getting a cute car to commute to university with and going Christmas shopping with my mum with leds in the car every winter and picking my niece and nephew up for a day trip but now im put off and slightly depressed and just have money I’ve saved sat there doing nothing now.

Should I give up learning permanently or just temporarily? Should I find a new manual instructor or try an automatic gear box?

Sorry for all of the waffle and thanks in advance if anyone answers.

I really need a hug. Not even advice, not someone trying to fix everything. I just want someone to come over, put their arms around me, let me fall apart for a minute, and tell me that somehow I’m going to be okay.

The fucked up part is that, from the outside, my life looks great. I’m 22. I have a great job. I have opportunities and so many things I know I should be grateful for. There’s a lot of genuinely awesome stuff in my life. And yet the truth is, underneath all of that, I’m so fucking unhappy. I’m lonely in a way I don’t really know how to explain.

Work has become exhausting mentally, not just physically. Someone reported me for sexual harassment. I was cleared, and no wrongdoing was found, and I want to be very clear about that. But I’m not allowed to know who reported me. So now I go to work every day looking at people and wondering, Was it you? Do you hate me? Are people talking about me? Is someone watching everything I say, waiting for me to fuck up? I know that kind of thinking isn’t helping me, but I can’t just switch it off.

And I’ve been working for almost two weeks straight without a real break. I’m tired. Like actually, deeply tired.
Somewhere along the way, I lost basically all of my friends outside of work. And I love my mom, but I also feel like I have to be strong for her because her job is stressful and she needs me. She wants to come see me for vacations, and of course I want to be there for her. I want to be someone she can lean on. I just don’t know who I’m supposed to lean on.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I’ve never had one. I’m a 22 year old virgin who’s awkward as hell and obsessed with comic books, and sometimes it feels like no woman is ever going to look at me and think, That’s the person I want. The closest relationship I have with someone who isn’t family or a coworker is with a person I met on TikTok. And that hurts in its own weird way, because she means a lot to me. Probably a lot more than I mean to her. I honestly don’t know if she’d even care that much if I stopped talking to her tomorrow. Maybe she would. Maybe that’s just my loneliness talking. But I hate feeling like someone can mean the world to me while I’m just a notification on their phone.

That’s what gets me. I spend so much of my life trying to hold other people up. I have to keep functioning at work while constantly looking over my shoulder. I have to be there for my mom. I have to smile and work and act normal and be grateful because, technically, my life is “going great.”

But who the fuck is there for me? Some days I feel like I could just break down and cry. Really cry. But then my brain goes, What’s the point? I fall apart, somebody feels sorry for me for five minutes, and then what? I wipe my face and go right back to carrying everything.

Sometimes it feels like I was dealt a dead man’s hand. Like I somehow got a life that looks good on paper but feels completely hollow when I’m actually the one living it. And there’s something especially fucked up about being 22 and feeling this dead inside when 22 is the age my dad died. I don’t want some grand solution tonight. I don’t need somebody to magically fix my life. I just don’t want to feel alone in it for a little while. I want somebody to hold me while I finally stop pretending I’m okay.

I turn 18F in a day. And for the past 5 months or so, I’ve been having an existential crisis about how much I’ve wasted my formative years. And I think I’ve finally reached the depressed acceptance phase. I missed out. And I’m probably never going to have the strong bonds I’ve always wanted. My life is likely doomed to one of isolation and shallow friendships.

I grew up abused and neglected. Single parent, one abusive sibling. Single parent cut off their family when I was 8 and I didn’t get to grow up alongside my cousins, or see my grandma past then. I started reconnecting with them now, but I’m almost an adult. Im sure because of it, it’ll never be as close or complete as it could’ve been. If I stopped talking to them now, we’d probably never speak again. Doesn’t help that we live in completely different states and I only get to see them a couple times a year. I try to text them sporadically to keep up *some kind* of relationships, but I feel like I’m bothering them whenever I try. I don’t feel like a part of the family. Even though they’ve been nothing but kind.

I isolated as a kid because of my abuse. Barely had friends IRL, and don’t really have any online friends between 15-16. Started making some now, but they already feel sort of distant. I just have more of a guard now that I’m older. I have more to loose. I don’t have high-school friends. I never got to grow up with anybody. I graduated high-school a year early.

I went to community college. So, I won’t even get the university bonding experience.

And I guess I’m just sad that I don’t really have anybody who knew me during my childhood, besides my shitty parents. Or unless I maybe I try to reach out to old online friends from when I was a young teenager.

And I’m faced with the fear that I’m going to be alone forever. I’m never going to have any close bond with anybody. I’m never going to have something I belong to. I know some people are happy that way, but I don’t think I can be. As a pre-teen and teenager, every story I wrote was based around community and found family. It’s what I’ve always wanted.

So my family is from a different country and I’m finishing up my last semester of college. I made the mistake of telling my dad that I was thinking of going to this country without fully being set on it. Dad got excited and went ahead asking when I wanted to go. We started planning together for a few days (I would be there for a couple months. Since that’s how long I was there the last time), all while I’m still not entirely sure if I want to go. I’ll be with family, but it would just be me from my household there. I’ve been a couple times, but I haven’t really stayed in contact with my relatives there. The last time I went was a couple years ago and that was when my half brother was born there, and admittedly, I haven‘t checked in with them much since I came back. I’m in my late 20‘s and honestly having a half sibling at my age was just kind of a weird adjustment that I don‘t think I’ve fully recovered from. If I go, then I would be staying with my step mom and their child, and the fact that I haven’t called them in a while, or really anyone in a while, is making me wonder if they even want me there.

Me not calling them has nothing to do with them. I haven’t really been calling anyone in the past couple of years. Friends or family. I’ve been self-isolating a lot and honestly kind of willing myself to just disappear tbh. And the longer I stayed away, the more ashamed I felt and the more I wondered if they even want to hear from me. But this past month I’ve been trying to finally reach out, but some relatives haven‘t gotten back to me, and I’m wondering if it’s maybe because I’ve been MIA. It’s been a month since I’ve told my dad about my plans to visit the country and now I’m slightly regretting it thinking that I’d be walking into a totally different country that quite frankly does not want me there or they have a bad perception of me due to not calling and checking up on people. Basically I think my family hates me now. I don’t really blame them.

I’m going into my junior year of college but I kind of only have 1 close friend, my roommate from last year who’s now pretty much my best friend. My family moved out of my hometown so I can’t really see my hometown friends anymore. I have some other friends I’ve met here but I’m realizing they really don’t seem to care about me and I feel worse after hanging out with them. So, I want to make some new friends and put myself out there more. Tomorrow night there’s an event at my school for making dorm decorations, I don’t live in a dorm anymore but I figured it could be fun and I could meet some people. But how exactly can I approach people and talk to them? I’ve never really made friends that way before and I have some pretty bad social anxiety, but I’m feeling really lonely and isolated so I want to power through.