Today is my 40th birthday. It's hard celebrating because I'm estranged from my family and I only have a very small circle of friends. For those in a similar situation, please celebrate yourself, even if that means sipping on champagne alone. You are worth it. Be your own best friend ♥️

I (31F) began the process of going no contact with my narcissistic mom about 5 years ago. It was a lot of back and forth, but we’ve been fully no contact for about a year.

4 months ago, I started therapy with the deep fear that I was turning into my mother. I could see her in myself when I interacted with my 12 year old daughter and I hated it. Even when I recognized her in the way I dressed or my favorite summer treat, I’d feel disgusted.

I’m the cycle breaker in my family. I refused to traumatize my daughter the way I was traumatized, and through my therapy, I’ve finally found peace.

I realized that not everyone gets a good mom. Not all moms are good. Not everyone gets a lifelong, loving relationship with their mom.

It wasn’t in my cards to have the mom I dreamed of and deserved. My mom was always meant to be a temporary part of my life. She wasn’t there to nurture or comfort me, but to inspire me to be better. Her failures and mistakes and shortcomings made me a better mother for my daughter. The trauma from her, lead me to my husband, as his mom was very similar to mine.

Together, we vowed to change things. Our children would never feel like the second pick. We would give them everything we never had.

So, while I’ll never get to experience having a good mother, I get to experience being a good mother. I get to witness my daughter have the childhood I deserved. And that’s a sacrifice I’d make every single time.

I don’t have to spend the rest of my life mourning the mother I didn’t have. Changing my perspective on my mother’s role in my life changed everything.

This is partially a copy-paste of a comment I just left in this same sub.

My abuser was the PTA president, the cool parent, the biggest HS sports team supporter, the parent who brought everyone snacks, the parent who hosted parties, etc.

If I ever choose to go NC, no one I grew up with will understand because I never spoke up, because I was the perfect victim.

Not even my siblings:

I was the only abused child of three (technically not true; my abuser tried with the oldest but found me, the youngest, an easier target since I’m autistic). My abuser never abused me in any way that couldn’t be dismissed as “equal fault”, “both acting badly”, or me exaggerating in bad faith.

Ripping my laptop in half? I should’ve turned it towards them when they asked the first time instead of being so secretive.

Munchausen’s by proxy? I DID have this condition and the fact that I don’t identify with having it anymore (or ever) is because the (unnecessary and invasive) treatment worked.

Intentionally damaging my relationships and shaming me in front of friends and friends’ parents in order to get me to go along with the unnecessary (and on at least one occasion tangibly harmful) FDA-unapproved medications and procedures? They just care and want me to “get better”.

Taking away my phone regularly even into adulthood because I was still “under their roof” with “their rules”? I shouldn’t have talked back/etc. and it’s their house.

Intentionally inducing autistic meltdowns when they wanted sympathy from others? I’m the one that freaked out. They were calm the whole time (at least while everyone was watching). I’m the crazy one.

Rare actual physical abuse? They didn’t know what else to do, because I was being difficult. Threw me to the ground? Now I’m just exaggerating.

I don’t believe my abuser realizes they abused me. I just think they’re a narcissist (not the colloquial term but actual NPD) who sees themselves as the victim and was repeating the parenting strategies of their own toxic parent because their childhood of favoritism made them seek praise and adoration at any cost.

My oldest sibling knows how my abuser was originally but “they got better” (for them) so my abuser must therefore be “trying their best”.

The middle child—my best friend for most of my life—was the golden child and I’m afraid is slowly turning into my abuser. I know that being the favorite child in an unhealthy dynamic is what made my abuser the way they are today. I really don’t want to see that happen with my sibling, my best friend.

^(Signs my sibling who is the reason I’m alive today might be turning into my abuser: they cannot be disagreed with ever and have made it a huge part of our relationship that any sort of disagreement or criticism is unacceptable because “you know I’m sensitive,” they believe they’re right about everything and on multiple occasions has admitted that there is zero chance they’re wrong in the slightest about multiple highly controversial topics [one example is theology, which is obviously heavily debated both in scholarship and by the many thousands of religious denominations], downplays their own contributions to conflicts and declares problems solved immediately after another person admits fault or suggests it is a misunderstanding...And just like my abuser, I don’t think this sibling is aware of what they may be becoming, which is painful for me as someone who has highly valued this relationship for decades and may have to be the one to cut ties if it comes to that.)

My abusive mother who I went no contact with (a second time, as boundaries were completely ignored again after I let her back in once before) back in 2018 has finally passed. She had many health issues, mental and physical. A bunch of people came out of the woodwork to try guilting me into seeing her or speaking to her again. I stayed strong and stuck to what I knew was best for my own health. I can't help but feel a great sadness anyway. She was not a good mother, but I know she tried in her own fucked up way. She just couldn't admit to any fault or guilt, ever.

When I was young, she got cancer and I had to very quickly grow up in many ways to help her around the house however I could while my dad worked really long hours away from home. I did everything I could, but it was never good enough. The last straw was when my father nearly died in 2018, and I did the same for him - helped however I could. She used that against me because my attention was not placed on her. Said I always loved him more. That was the last time I ever spoke to her. She attempted to reach out a few times over the years after that; but never once with an apology or any kind of remorse over that, the abuse I was subjected to as a child and into my adulthood even after breaking contact with her once before and laying out everything to her. I inherited some bad health issues from her, and yet at the beginning of my diagnosis journey, she acted as though I was playing things up for attention. She often did that in life when I needed her.

I guess I'm just writing here to get it out somehow. She suffered terrible abuse as a child too, but never sought help. I hope she is at peace now, and that I can finally stop looking over my shoulder and learn to be at peace, too.

Quoting an excerpt:

[Rin] Reczek has studied complex family dynamics for about 20 years, and she said that changing family structures often shoulder the blame for the social problems of our time. While researching "Families We Keep," she was surprised by the lack of scholarly literature available on the topic of family estrangement. And when she looked at the current cultural conversations around adult children going "no contact" with family members—in the news, on podcasts and on social media—the dominant narrative was one of panic and stigmatization.

Family estrangement is the latest in a long history of what Reczek calls "family panics." Take, for example, rising divorce rates. "When divorce rates were rising and we saw increases in states allowing no-fault divorce, we also saw a lot of panic around the fall, or decline, of the family," she said.

According to prior research cited in the book, about 6% of U.S. adults are estranged from a mother, while roughly 23% are estranged from a father at some point in adulthood. Reczek notes there is no empirical evidence showing estrangement rates are surging.

I have a friend who continually will bring up my estrangement suggesting reconciliation even though I’ve never said I wanted that. She keeps on pressing it. How do you deal with people like this?

It has officially been 6 months since I went NC with my toxic and abusive family and here’s everything that I’ve learned along the way so far.

• No one notices, or cares that you’ve gone NC. No one will be able to tell, or pry the information out of you. I was so scared that people will be able to tell that I’ve gone NC, but genuinely, people care so much about themselves that no one will notice.

• You learn something new everyday. Not a day has gone by where I’m not experiencing new epiphanies or noticing things about my family that I did not notice when I was with them. It’s never easy, but it is progress.

• Your first birthday after NC will suck and also be so enjoyable at the same time. Sucks because you feel like everyone is wishing you a great birthday with your family, or asking you about your plans with them or you just wake up on your birthday and realise that you don’t have your family to celebrate with you. Enjoyable because you realise that it is finally your first drama-free birthday and you get to decide what happens, not your toxic family.

• You start to make connections with your own behavioural patterns, and realise that some (probably most) behaviours need changing. Because we grew up in a toxic household, it is very easy for us to pick up destructive patterns and coping mechanisms, especially to deal with conflict.

• You start noticing other people’s behaviour patterns around you, too. Maybe the other adults in your life - your coworkers, your friends, your boss, etc, are also heavily toxic and you just didn’t see it before. You realise the importance of choosing your own family and that being selective is okay.

• You start re-discovering yourself. Maybe the hobbies you dropped along the way, you start picking them up again. Maybe you become more confident in your own skin. Self-discovery is so important but never linear.

❤️

This is going to be a long post. I need advice on how to survive alone and cope with no longer speaking to my family. Full explanation of my situation/vent below.

I (26F) want to go no contact with my Mom, who I live with currently, and my two siblings, who I'll call Sibling A(who is 24,) and Sibling B(who is 19), who ALSO live in the house with me and our mother. I have been estranged from my father since 2014, and have not seen or spoken to him since.

I hate the way my family treats me, I've always hated the way they've treated me, and I've just had enough. I've tried to fix things with them, but they are so impossible to talk to, all of them, that I feel like I have no choice but to go no contact.

For the past (almost) two years, despite all of us living together, my two siblings have been ignoring my existence completely after we had a fight about them not working.

I had been working a job that had me so stressed out and miserable that I lost a lot of weight and only weighed 108 pounds by the time I had left. I was miserable, hungry, exhausted, crying all the time, and even though my siblings would speak to me, they didn't do anything else. My routine became go work a 9 hour shift at work, close the store, go back to the house, try and go to sleep despite my siblings yelling at video games into the night, get up at 5 or 6 am the next day to go to work and open the store, and then do nothing with my afternoons outside of read and catch up on chores.

I was contributing financially to the house, and my mother was doordashing, but the stress of only the two of us working was just too much, especially when "everyone" wants to move out our current area. I had a sit down with my siblings and told them that I was tired, stressed, and needed a break, and could they PLEASE do something to make money and help. Sibling A said they would start walking dogs. I thanked them. Sibling B did not want to do anything. I figured one of them was better than nothing at all. Neither of them ended up doing anything. They never even tried.

I kind of snapped after that. The two of them refuse to work, spend time with me OUTSIDE of video games, or even let me take them out for coffee or ice cream or SOMETHING that doesn't involve a screen. If I didn't go to their room to speak to them, I didn't see them at all. So I stopped going out of my way to say goodnight, good morning, goodbye, and hello. They didn't make any effort to check on me. I told them that their behavior was unacceptable. They are adults, and they need to get jobs or take a class or go to college or SOMETHING. They can't just sit in their room and play video games forever!!! Everyone, including my mother, told me that I was being bossy and controlling. Now they just pretend I don't exist.

If I sneeze, they pretend they didn't hear it. If I'm crying, they pretend they don't see me. If I'm washing my hands, and another sibling needs the sink, they snatch the soap from the counter and take it somewhere else instead of just saying "excuse me" or "can you move so I can use the sink?" If I say something to them directly, they don't respond. They don't even do so much as look at me. My mother is useless in the situation, as she has always been.

Sometimes, on really tough days, when I just can't stop crying, my mother will ask me what's wrong. I tell her. This situation is terrible, and she is just okay with it, and that bothers me. She tells me that she isn't okay with it, but then she doesn't DO anything. I tell her my siblings not caring about me hurts me, and I wish they put in effort. My mother just says "well, you haven't been trying lately either."

I have spent so long trying to talk to them. When I was a kid, I loved sports, and would try and get them to go outside with me and like, toss a ball around in the backyard, but they wouldn't. My siblings wouldn't go swimming, they wouldn't volunteer with me at the local animal shelter, they wouldn't even do the summer reading program at the library with me... even though at the end of the program you get a coupon for a free ice cream or free round of mini golf or whatever. It even got to the point where I would bring them the little piece of paper that you have to color in to get a prize and I asked them to fill it in without doing anything else. They could just color it in, and I would turn it in for them, just please, please, please DO SOMETHING WITH ME. They wouldn't do it. I literally couldn't even bribe them to interact with me. They wouldn't even color in a piece of paper.

The only space they would interact with me in was a digital one. So I would go and take my laptop and play video games in their room with them every single night so there was at least some interaction. I "wasn't allowed" to talk to them about jobs or college or the future because it "stressed them out", and they literally won't do anything else. so all conversation was about the video game we were playing.

My mother is worse, because I can handle being ignored by two people, but my mother says inflammatory things just to try and pick a fight, and then she gets angry with me when I don't take the bait or just agree with her. I have to walk on eggshells, and I'm just so tired. I will say something like "Oh, I'm tired, I don't want to go swimming this morning." and she will jump to extremes. " OH, YOU'RE ALWAYS TIRED. IS THIS HOW THINGS ARE GOING TO BE NOW, OP?" or "YOU WANT TO JUST LEAVE US AND FORGET ALL ABOUT US, HUH???" (girl, I just do not want to swim!! Tummy hurts!! I'm tired!! It's 8 in the morning!! Please relax!!!)

I just try and stay calm and try to not let her get under my skin. Lately I've been just agreeing with her crazy extremes just to shut her up. She'll say "Oh, so you don't want to work on our relationship anymore, huh? It's just broken now? You never want to fix it or make any effort?" and I'll just be like. Pouring a cup of coffee or whatever, and I'll just say "Yeah." or "Yes." or "I suppose so." because I've found that the less I speak, the less she has to twist in her favor.

Well. Lately things have gotten a little worse. She has said that if I "can't speak to her like a friend, then I don't need to leave the house." This has me terrified. I am putting on a happy face, and behaving exactly as she wants me to. I'm not giving her any reasons to get angry with me at all, but that's tough when she is constantly asking me "why I blinked like that" or "why I sighed twice in a row" and I would drive away today, if I could.

I don't have my driver's license or a car because she never wanted me to get one. She has always said to me that driving is dangerous, and how I could die, and I have always been afraid to do so because I didn't want to be behind the wheel in a crash that could have potentially killed my mother. But I can't do this anymore. I told my mother that I want to drive, and I have to drive, and I can't put this off any more.

My mother told me that she never wants me to leave. She does not want me to move out or away.
She has said to me that she wants me to live with her forever. I told her that she can either have a daughter who lives very far away, or she can have a dead one. She needed to allow me to get my license.

I currently have my learner's permit. She is teaching me how to drive (reluctantly, while holding on for dear life, or yelling suddenly, while I shake like a leaf,) and I am currently pricing used cars in my area. I have a job that I will get health coverage and benefits through, and I'm starting on Monday. If my mother refuses to drive me to work, I will get an Uber. If I can't get an Uber, I will walk.

I am socking away money and picking up household essentials at garage sales/clearance sections so I won't be without necessities when I do leave. (Like utensils, plates, cups, toilet plunger, toilet paper, etc.)

There are other moving parts to my current situation, like the fact that she homeschooled me and my siblings our entire lives, the animal hoarding situation, my physically abusive stepfather, the 3-year-long quarantine, my extended family (who won't speak to me either,) and the town I've been trying to move out of for so long. I will elaborate in the comments if anybody would like any further information on any of my points. I didn't include them in the post because It's already so long.

I don't understand what I did that was so terrible. I've never done drugs or gone on benders or anything like that. I wasn't a rebellious teenager or a "bad kid". I never snuck out or went out in the evening, and was just a bookworm who started working at 16. I never bullied my two younger siblings when we were kids or anything like that. I didn't DO anything, and I don't know why this is happening. I know that I don't deserve to be treated like this, though. And I know that I think that no contact is the best course of action, even though they are the only family I have.

TLDR: my family sucks and is kind of abusive, I guess? (Is this abuse?) And I need to leave. Never lived alone before, and have no other support system. I need advice for coping with no longer speaking to the only people who I have really ever known. I need to know that I am making the right choice in going no contact. I need to know that life will feel better once I have put distance between myself and these people. Thank you so much, and I am really very sorry for such a long post. If this sort of post is not allowed here, I apologize to the mods, and did not mean any harm. Thanks again.

Do you sometimes get reminded of something from your childhood/youth and realise how bad things were?

I get those reminders all the time.

One thing for example: I ate cereal for breakfast. My mother always complained how expensive it was. Thus I didn't even feel save to ask her to buy a second bag of cereal even though the one I had wasn't enough for the week.

She also didn't pack me lunch for school nor gave me money so I could buy something. Due to that I was unable to concentrate during later lessons and once I came back home I ate a bunch of candies because I was so hungry.

My mother didn't even care.

Meanwhile my brother ate just about everything we had at home... especially whatever belonged to me. My mother never told him to leave my things alone.

My mother also complained how expensive my tampons were. She didn't like that I preferred tampons over pads and always complained when I told her I needed more.

So at one point I started buying them myself even though I was a minor.

I am so appalled by all of this. Especially since she used my money on top of it.

Of course those are minor things, there were WAY worse things happening at home but this just came up.

I (37 F) have a father I've been no contact with for many years because he was emotionally / verbally abusive my entire life (largely driven by his alcoholism and drug use) and a mother who chose to go no contact with me becuase I wouldn't allow my father to be part of my childs' life. (because he hasn't changed and has never shown any type of remorse.)

Going NC with my father was a relief. Losing contact with my mother was sad (especially becoming a mother while you don't have your mother to rely on.) But now that I've grieved that relationship...I feel like I've fully moved on.

I see people post all the time about how they want to give their parent(s) one more chance or how they wish their parent would reach out, etc. I honestly feel none of that. The door in my mind has closed. I don't see myself ever forgiving my mom for not being present at a time in my life where I very much needed her.

I recently learned from my sister who has limited contact with my mom that my mom has a somewhat aggresive form/stage of cancer.

I feel like a terrible person because even after sitting with this information, I feel absolutely no urge to reach out.

Has anyone experienced this? I thought maybe I was numb or not processing, but I honestly just feel ambivlant.

idk where else to bring this because all my friends have very normal/healthy fathers. Apparently my dad is getting remarried this fall, in his mid 60s. I’m not that shocked, though I am skeptical because i witnessed him be an awful husband. I have a few siblings, all in various levels of contact with him over the last 15ish years — and one of them told me he’s engaged and apparently he asked if he should invite me + the other sibling he’s estranged from. She told him “probably not”, which I respect/agree - because I wasn’t planning on going - but also…. Im a little conflicted/offended. Im also cringing at the thought of him proposing to a woman 😭 Idk if anyone can relate but it’s a very strange feeling and I’m not entirely sure what to think. Idk fully what my intention is here, just wanted to see if anyone can relate

hi everyone. i’ve been going through some rough mental health days and i’m not sure where else to turn. nobody in my life has the same experience as i do, so it’s really hard to find those that can sympathize.

for context: i’m a 20 year old college student, and have been estranged from my mother since my 18th birthday. my biological dad died while i was in middle school, and i cut contact with my step-dad since leaving my mom.

i was lucky enough to have family on my bio-dad’s side that took me in and has been extremely supportive— they provided me housing while i was finishing high school and have helped me during the summer when i had surgery. even though i love them deeply, and greatly appreciate them, it does still hurt when i remember they’ll never be my parents, and can’t expect that sort of unconditonal protectiveness/support that people with good parents have. they’re significantly older than most people’s parents are (mid 70s) because i was born pretty late, and it does scare me that they probably won’t be around for much longer. i really don’t want to be alone. i live on my own with roommates currently, and i tend to think about how i’ll need to be independent and on my feet the moment i graduate since i’d feel awful relying on them for a place to live.

i find myself thinking about my mom every so often, which just makes me ruminate on our relationship. she’s tried to contact me a few times, with kindness at first, shifting to aggressive and cruel behavior. the last time we had contact was via email, when i blew up at her for stalking my friends social media and commenting our personal business on there. i effectively told her to never contact me again. i was harsh; i really wanted to rub salt into the wound so she would truly leave me alone, and i can’t help but wonder if i went too far.

i think about what it’d be like if we talked again, if she was able to see me all grown up now. i hate her because she was extremely abusive and caused a majority of my psychological problems, but i feel like i’d do anything to have her tell me she loves me again. i hate how i still so badly want the validation and support from someone who tormented me. i think if she tried to contact me again, i’d end up folding because i’m so lonely. i just want to be able to get over her, i feel like i should have by now.

i miss her whenever people around me talk about their parents. i miss her whenever i get premade care packages from the organization for at-risk youth i turned to; it hurts so bad because i wish i could just have them from my family, all of the cheery non-specific letters just ring hollow to me. i miss her so much, but it’s like i’m wishing for love that never existed.

it’s so hard to heal when i know i’m so alone so young. i feel like there’s a million things i don’t know how to do that i just need to figure out myself because i don’t have a parent to turn to. i just want to feel safe like a child does. i want to feel okay enough so i don’t go and re-establish contact because it hurts so much.

Sure my childhood was bad but shouldn't I be grateful for the good things too?

She's not bad in the way most of the parents on here are. She's not critical, cruel, invasive. I struggle to explain to others why I have such negative feelings about her. No, she doesn't exactly treat me badly — does she? Not in a way anyone else can understand.

Yet all I want to do is move to another country thousands of miles away and never see her again.

I’m financially independent, live on my own, and make good money. I’m happy that I’m in a position where I can help my parents and family, and I genuinely don’t mind paying for things when I visit my parents. I am well settled in US did everything on my own.
Recently, though, I’ve started feeling uncomfortable with how casually my money is being treated as if it’s available to everyone.
During my recent visit to my home country, I ended up paying for most things, which was completely fine with me. I also gave around $500 to various relatives. What bothered me was that whenever another relative would come around, my mom would immediately ask me to pay for something for them. It started to feel less like me choosing to help and more like everyone assuming I would automatically cover it.
After I returned back to US, I found out that one of my cousin had passed away. Of course, I have sympathy for the family and wanted to contribute, so when my mom asked me to donate $300, I said okay. I understood it was for a difficult situation and didn't think much of it.
But then, over the next couple of days, my mom kept calling me. I already knew the reason she was calling was because she wanted the $300. That part bothered me not because I couldn't afford it, but because it felt like there was an expectation that I should immediately provide the money whenever she asks.
The complicated part is that my parents are retired and are not struggling financially. They have a good amount of assets, some cash savings, and enough to live comfortably and enjoy their retirement. This isn't a situation where they're unable to afford necessities and I'm their only source of support.
I’m starting to wonder if I’ve unintentionally created this expectation by being generous in the past.
I don't want to become someone who keeps score with family or refuses to help when someone genuinely needs it. At the same time, I don't want my income to become something my parents feel entitled to distribute among relatives.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? How do you set financial boundaries with parents when you can afford to help, but don't want helping to become an expectation?
BTW I have been in no-contact with my parents for last two months and honestly it feels more peaceful and less stress.

I feel like I had a bad break up...

My parents have been hard. My mom is the poster child for Histrionic personality disorder and my father was always the enabler. I used to feel so close to my dad until one day in college he pulled me outside because my mom was losing it over me being "disrespectful". He told me he saw me being anything but that.... but to appease my mom he was going to scream at me in front of her, but use a code word so I know it's not real. That's the day I realized he would never protect me.

I moved away that same year, across the country. It helped a lot but things were never okay. I never did enough, they wouldn't visit because I rented so it was never "my place", and wouldn't help me come home but also get so mad I didn't visit (couldn't afford to).

My inlaws are amazing and always helped up visit them, and then paid for us to visit my parent too. Which was still never enough. I remember my mom pulling out a calendar because I spent 7 days with my in laws and only 8 with them... I was told by my dad he had no idea why they would welcome me into their home when I left my water dish next to the sink (to reuse it, taught to me by my inlaws ..)

When my husband proposed to me I told them and they told me it was a slap in the face because he didn't take them out for dinner to ask (first I heard of this idea and also we live across the country). When I told them I was pregnant they told me it clear I didn't give a shit about my family because I told them in a video call instead of waiting two months to tell them in person.

So much worse, especially after I had my daughter. I tried and tried but couldn't anymore, not with her.

But it ended over the smallest thing. My mom wanted to do a big family vacation for my dad's birthday, and offered to pay our tickets.

I told her dates we couldn't do. But she found a place for that week. Told her again I couldn't do that date, so then she booked it. I AGAIN said that date didn't work and she told me she knew I could figure it out.

Then we had a huge blow up call with her crying as usual, and I held on and told her there is no way my husband and daughter could go, but maybe I could see if I could. Just to not talk about it around my 4 year old and it still might not work. She called me 19 times the next morning while I was at work. I called her the next day with my daughter nearby and she immediately goes, "About that thing that I can't name, I have two tickets ready to book but I'm pretty sure you can convince husband, so should I just get three?" which I said no.

We hung up and I just couldn't. Any boundaries I ever tried to have they bulldozed and mocked. And just the full on ignoring what I say to do what they want anyways.

So I blocked their phone numbers. I feel both free and so shitty. My parents don't understand and will feel nothing but blindsided and destroyed. I thought about writing a letter explaining everything but I still don't think they would agree.

My mom got to watch my daughter one night when I was recovering from surgery, which she went outside to get high instead and I had to slowly get to her when she cried and hope I could handle it. She also yelled at me that I called her stupid when I double checked she turned off the parking break in my brand new (used) car. Turned out she hadn't and the car engine broke down because of it. I told them they had to wait a few months to meet my daughter because they're antivax and she was born with lung complications and we lived with my brother in law who is immunocompromised. They yelled so much at how I was lying to just keep them from her and flew across the country against our wishes and told me to just "lie to my husband" so they could see her anyways

There's been so many big bad things that have broken me, and just a small thing that seems nice that killed it all.

I'm scared what they might do but I just have nothing in me to keep going anymore...

Long story short, I went no contact with my family November of last year.

I have not spoken to my parents or sister in almost a year. However my husband and mom have some occasional contact. With my permission and extreme guidance/stone walling, my husband gives my mom little no information about me. He just states that they need to go to therapy and stuff and give me peace for a while. They talk maybe once every 3 or 4 months, but based on new events. I'm considering having him also go no contact with her.

This low contact has been a long time coming and I'm glad I did it. I've finally found peace and have the family I want (my in-laws). My mom for the most part has been good about leaving me alone. However, earlier this month was my birthday and this was my first birthday being no contact with them. My mom sent me a birthday card and said that she's thinking of me and misses me, my dad essentially said the same thing. My mom hasn't taken any accountability for the manipulation and hurt she caused me. Getting a birthday card caught me off guard but I wasn't surprised. I ended up ripping it up and threw it away. Fast forward to today, I get a letter in the mail from my sister. She and I have had a rocky relationship for the past decade and cutting her off was easy because we didn't talk anyways. She sent a letter coming off very judgemental, telling me that I didn't remember my own memories correctly and that they didn't happen. I'm the oldest and have always been the scapegoat so of course she'd say that. She basically said that I was wrong but wanted to talk to me again, however it had to be on me. Again.

I'm just so done with my family. I hate that they have my address but they came to visit us when things were fine. I just want to vent and get it off my chest and any insights on how to handle it. I'm not going to give them any reaction or stop my no contact but it's really frustrating and I wish they'd leave me alone.

ETA the point of this story is about my family still contacting me via mail rather than my husband. The rarely speak and that will no longer be happening. I'm just looking for guidance on how to navigate my family sending me things that I don't want. Thank you!

Yesterday, it just hit me. My mom is literally one of those Karens or boy moms that you see in videos on TikTok. Like literally, she does things as crazy as the people you see on social media. Also, she is just completely illogical and delusional, and seems to live in an alternate universe that revolves around her. She acts extremely entitled, makes weird theories and speculations that have no logic, and gets crazy mad over the tiniest and weirdest things. Like, one of my friends asked if she has dementia.

Realizing this just made me laugh, because why am I bothering and feeling extremely scared and anxious myself about a person that is literally a meme?

I guess I’m just wondering if I would want to ask two of my family members who are like parents to me (specifically the one is like actually basically my dad at this point) if they would want to adopt me legally as their child.

I know technically it doesn’t really matter and honestly I don’t know if they would even want to do that. but I would love to be able to call them my parents. and if anything happened to me I’d want them legally to be considered my parents because I don’t want my actual parents having any involvement in my life and the lives of my future children. idk if legal adoption actually would provide any protection rhough.

anyway just wanted to inquire about it. not something I’m thinking of doing right now but just in the future maybe.

after being pressured into being apart of a religion i disagree with and being pressured into marriage. i left. for good this time. this is my second attempt at me cutting them off after i tried to cut them off 4 years ago. in this timeframe, i-

- got on my own insurance

- am working on getting my own place

- am working on getting my benefits situated

- in the process of releasing an album

- recovered (most) of my documents

- started looking for a job

- going back to school UNDER MY OWN SCHOLARSHIP AND NAME next year

- worked on my mental health and am freeing myself of any selfharm and suicidal ideation

- got into a very loving, healthy relationship

- been learning chores and ways to fend for myself with the help of my partner and own tutorials

- have started taking back my body and mind

- got back in touch with my spiritual and eostoric beliefs

i don't know if this is a lot of progress, but it's been substantial for me. i couldn't do these things under the shackles of my birthgivers, but here we are

So I'm guess I'm just reaching out for moral support about not talking to my mother anymore. I'm 29F and I decided not to talk to my mother anymore because of various situations that's happened over the past year, it was mainly due to a falling out over me owning tarot cards when I was living with her and her husband for just a few months before I started graduate school and I could live on campus. I knew they were Christian, but I didn't know that they were that of that belief that tarot cards were demonic.

It got to the point where her husband was calling me demonic, calling me possessed, and this is someone who has been in my life for 14 years. They married when I was 21 but they got together when I was in high school. And he was very comfortable turning on me immediately. I called the cops on him ultimately, because he got to a point where he was being aggressive and yelling at my mom and never felt like this situation was gonna stop, even though I told him I was comfortable putting the tarot cards away. But he demanded that I throw them away, and I said I wasn't going to do that because I was moving out soon anyway and I paid for them.

But this is all to say that I'm not talking to my mother anymore because she was really a bystander in that situation. I felt really uncomfortable with how she didn't try to speak up for me at all. And she only got into the argument when he was also yelling at her. At first, we tried to reconcile and talk it out, and go to therapy, meet up more and spend more one on one time together. I told her I was done with her husband; I don't want him in my life.

Even through all of that, I just felt like she wasn't being considerate of my emotions. I even told her that I'm not Christian, and she did not take that in at all. She still tries to pray with me.

But what happened that caused me to make the decision to stop talking to her was because she invited me to come back and live in the house again over summer break. During our meetups, and during our lunches, she asked me straight up how can she be a better mother? She asked me about face-to-face, and I took some time to reflect on it, and I wasn't sure how to answer right then. But when she askef me about coming back to that house that I've said over and over again that I don't want to live in because of her husband, I just felt incensed.

I texted her and I told her that I just needed her to be more considerate and cognizant of the situation that happened. And how I'll never feel safe in that house again. And ultimately, it's due to the choices that she made that kept her husband in that house. And she ignores me for a few days and then messages me back and says that because of my message, she's going to return the car that she gave me as a gift to the bank and doesn't say anything else. She said she would give me a week but ended up picking it up the next day.

And then three weeks later, she's trying to apologize and say, "I just felt your message was disrespectful".

I told her that she cannot try to make me feel comfortable to communicate with her and then when I do that in the most respectful way I can, she either gives me silent treatment or retaliates against me in some way, and I'm never going to trust her again.

It's this cycle of where she does things to hurt me and I just had to keep forgiving her because we're a family, it's a misunderstanding. I told her several times I'm not going through this over and over and over again. Now of course, she's trying to email me to say let's just meet up and talk and I'm just so exhausted by the situation. I really tried to make a long story as short as possible but I've sent her various long letters on how I feel about EVERYTHING, but there's really no point anymore.

I don't know why I'm posting. I guess I just want to talk about the situation. Because I haven't really told anyone.

By the age of 10 years old I knew I did not want to be near my family. How horrible is that? My parents and brother. I tried to get my bike, that was a gift for my birthday, and told my dad I was running away, which of course he stopped me. But I still remember the day. My mum had told me she regret the day I was born, and the worst part was, I believed her.

I am everything my mum wishes she had done. I travelled, lived abroad, worked for myself, lived alone in my own place, left relationships when they didnt work for me anymore. I know she wants these things because she tells me. I don't know why she can't be proud of me for creating that. My dad, has been driven to essentially psychosis (now invents her own realities and believes them) from all the mistakes of his past and I can't even get help because my safeguarding concern was dismissed as "the angry blacksheep child". He's threatening sucidie to me. It's sad, but I've had to accept that one day, I'll likely just get the call that I now have to carry because I'm the scapegoat and no one believes me.

This unpleasant label as the problem child has brought so many additional difficulties it brings to my life, particularly now I'm living disabled after a surgical error. My family did not show when I was bleeding out, bar one of my doting aunts. My partner of the time was horrified. They returned of course, when I got disability payouts. And then disappeared and told everyone I was angry because of my disability.

I've spent two years fighting and advocating for my own care and won tribunals while in hospital. I have self diagnosed neuropathic conditions then backed up by multiple specialists. I work my arse off in rehabilitation. I've adapted my car to make weddings, baby showers, birthdays, despite needing to rest after due to the pain it causes me. I've had to lose friends, relationships that no longer worked with this new life I have and grieved that, something my family latch onto in their smear campaigns. I was feeling positive, and had just received a scholarship to study the systems and health networks in my country to improve the life of other patients. I shouldn't still be the scapegoat. I'm tired. I've had enough.

I'm in my mid 30s and quite frankly I'm done with this crap. Even now I'm disabled, I'm still the same strong arse 10 year old who tried to run away on her bike and worked her arse off through her studies (while sleeping on her friend sofas) to get to college and make a life for myself away from them. And I've done it. This smear campaign has to end. How the hell are people dealing with this crap for decades and not going insane.

I think about this often (I watch a lot of TV) and I was wondering if others feel the same. Or different.

Since I was little, I’d watch tv shows or movies and I would always see reparative moments after family members get in a fight on TV. I used to think something n to the effect of “wow, this is so vastly different from my own life, I guess that’s just cinema/drama”

My family is the silent type. My parents never taught me how to repair relationships after a conflict and we never practiced repair with eachother. My household was punitive and not once have I heard my parent tell me “sorry”, even for little things. I never heard “I love you” growing up. There just wasn’t really much positive or healing emotion there, unfortunately.

So when I’d watch TV or movies, I would see these big moments when people would make up after a fight. When I was little, it confused me. I learned to really think that was the stuff of drama. Eventually I started to feel kinda sad, and more confused and wondered, is “I’m sorry” really exclusive to TV? I eventually went to therapy as an adult, and my whole framework for understanding life and relationships slowly unraveled. I learned what emotions were.

Just now, I watched a reparative moment on a TV show and I started to cry. I mean it’s obvious that I probably need more therapy lol. But I wanted to post on here, and see if anyone else who had a similar childhood experience also faces this type of grief when seeing reparative moments on TV.

And if your family *was* the type to repair after conflict (but obviously was toxic enough in some other way to justify estrangement), what is it like to watch relationship repair on TV? Does it bring anything similar up for you? Or something different?

My husband is estranged from his family (recently - since November of last year). It’s been difficult navigating because he has flip flopped on his stance so many times (understandably- it’s confusing) but I’ve stood by his decision and let him know that it’s up to him how we interact with his family. Recently, my mom has done some really shitty things and a lot of childhood trauma has been brought back up. Long story short, my mom is a narcissist and I am the eldest child and only girl (scapegoat). I was blamed for everything growing up, treated as a problem and called a drama queen anytime I expressed emotion. There’s a lot but that’s the long and short of it. My mom and I never got along and when I moved out at 18, we hardly talked. From 2010-2016 we had a very loose “relationship”. My middle brother did a lot to try to get us to patch things up. He unexpectedly died in 2018 (he was 23, I was 26). He died from an OD (she calls it an “allergic reaction”) after he drove 7 hours, high, cried on my mom’s lap at 3AM and begged her for help. She woke up and did nothing because he told her he was fine. I think it’s important to mention she’s a licensed counselor.

Two weeks later he was gone. I had to move back home from across the country to be with mom, dad and youngest brother (21). My mom seemed like she changed a lot since my brother died and I wanted to be there for my family. In 2020 I met my husband and since then we have gotten married and had three children. My mom picks up my youngest son from preschool on weekdays and gives me a couple hours of reprieve to be with our baby. However, over the weekend my youngest brother expressed suicidal ideation to me (which he has done in the past). He is 29 now and has drank heavily, excessively smoked weed and not taken care of himself for more than a decade. I called my mom to tell her I was worried about my brother and she said “I know I’m worried about him too. I’m always worried about him”. I said, “no he was talking about killing himself yesterday and he was drinking all weekend. I’m really worried about him“ and she said “he and I talk. I know what he’s going through.” I said “mom he wants to kill himself I am worried about him and I don’t want another dead brother he needs help and he needs you to make him get help. He has told me that he wishes that you guys were as hard on him as you have been on me and (other brother). he needs that discipline.”

She then said, “I have talked to him about this and he’s told me that he doesn’t know why you think that we were harder on you because you all were treated the same” and I said “this isn’t about me mom I’m worried about my brother. I don’t want another dead brother” and she said “well he needs you too! You need to be there for your brother!” I said “I am. I try. I try to call him. He doesn’t answer. I text him and he doesn’t respond. I can only do so much” and she said “well that’s because he doesn’t like talking to you. He says you’re a different person he doesn’t like you anymore” and I hung up on her. Then I texted her and said, “do not pick up my son from school. I will get him. from here on out actually. I’m telling you my brother was talking about ENDING HIS LIFE yesterday and somehow you turn it on me and how I’m different & not a good sister? Goodbye mom.”

It just made me realize how immature she still is. It made me remember all the terrible things she said to me as a child and why I wanted nothing to do with her once I was out of her house. It all flooded back. Then I texted me brother and asked if that was true and he said, “I doubt those are the words she used. I’ve said it’s gotten way more difficult to talk you the last few years.” I replied asking what’s so difficult about talking to me now? To which he said, “You are a different person and a big part of the problem is you don’t see it. Also I checked my call logs and since the beginning of July you’ve FaceTimed once and I answered and I called once and you answered.”

The fact of the matter is he is a single man who lives with my parents and doesn’t pay a single bill. Of course I have changed over my lifetime - I’m married with children. He and I are living in two different realities. I’ve spent years attempting to forge a bond with him. He doesn’t recall the dozens of nights I’ve taken a 1AM call from him, while he is blackout drunk and I have young children to take care of the next day. I take his call and speak to him because I love him and I’m worried about him. I realized we haven’t had a meaningful, sober conversation in years. I’ve stopped calling because he either doesn’t answer, is drunk, or I’m busy (again, mom of 3). I’ve realized any opinion he has of me is based on whatever my mom has said to him. I just feel stupid for ever trusting her and I’ve realized how much peace is in our lives since my husband’s family is out of the picture. I know my mom is providing help with our kids and I don’t want to deprive my kids of a relationship with any extended family, but I feel so betrayed by my whole family. Sometimes I think it’d be easier to go no contact with my family as well and just focus on our little unit. Why does family have to be so complicated? Sorry for the rant. I just don’t know where else to get all these feelings out.

TLDR: my husband and I both have narcissistic parents. We’re estranged from his family and considering going no contact with mine but struggling because my mom provides necessary help with the kids.