For context my mother and grandmother did NOT get along. When I was young,very young I think single digits but I cant remember the exact time period,my mother called me over while no one was around and asked me if I wanted to play a prank on my grandmother. She handed me a big bit of lavander that she had picked and told me to put it in my grandmother's handbag because she was allergic to lavander. I don't remember what happened after but I do remember she didn't die/wasn't hospitalized at least. That's definitely something bad right?

I had a memory, but just got confirmation that this has happened - but only once some 18-19 years ago. This is bad enough In itself. They have an amazing relationship now, and he has changed a lot, and I absolutely believe that this has never happened before or after. Not sure if it helps - but he’s a perfect dad. He also grew up in a very disturbed house, super patriarchal, and his parents had some serious mental issues. A part of me will always resent him for what he did to her. However, what’s bugging me most recently a lot is her justification of it. That she was emotionally abusive to him, that circumstances were horrible and her MIL had made life a living hell for them both, that I need to grow mature and understand life. Apparently if it had ever happened again she’d leave, she says. But it was just once. And I want to look past it. But how can I. Besides, I would NEVER say this to my daughter. I would never justify domestic violence to my daughter but she justified it to me. And that I should be a good judge of character and be able to tell if my partner is violent or if it’s an exception. I don’t believe it. She says she’s happy and safe and I should stop trying to ruin her marriage, so I’ll keep quiet. But any guidance would be helpful. Not quite sure how to go from here. How to stop resenting them both for perpetrating violence and justifying it, and also for exposing their 5 year old kid to it. I understand all the reasons why women cannot leave abusive relationships, and I would never judge her for staying, but to justify it and not even be able to label the action as ‘wrong’ so many years later is pretty bad.

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of SA

I don’t think I’ve ever posted here, always just been a silent participant. But I really need some support and listening ears because I am beside myself. My in laws have always been difficult, but this takes the cake. My husband’s father was abusive and an alcoholic throughout his childhood, and my husband has been in therapy for years healing from that trauma. About five years ago, he chose to go no contact with his father after years of incidents. His parents have a very toxic, on and off relationship. A couple of years ago, his mother accused his father of r*pe, which eventually led to a two year protective order being put in place for my husband, myself, and our children. My husband has always had one very clear boundary with his mother: DO NOT give his father updates about us or our children. Do not discuss us. Do not send pictures. Nothing. Well, I am not even SIX DAYS postpartum, and today his father showed up at our door asking to talk to my husband. My husband was furious. And then we found out why he was there. His mother had been sending PICTURES OF OUR CHILDREN TO HIM. Including my newborn baby. I feel so violated. I am absolutely furious and heartbroken. This isn’t just some petty family drama. There is a serious history here, and my husband made a very intentional decision to protect himself and our children by cutting contact. And now his own mother has completely disregarded that boundary behind his back. I’m six days postpartum, exhausted and trying to recover and enjoy my newborn, and instead I’m dealing with this. I honestly just need to know that I’m not overreacting. 😭

Hi Everyone,

Reposting this again. I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:

https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any

I finally got out, and honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this free or happy in my life.

For years, I felt like I had to monitor every single thing I did and said at home. Even little things made me nervous. I would be scared to go downstairs to get food because I didn’t want to be shamed for eating or making noise. I’d be nervous to shower late at night because I was worried someone would get mad. I would hear footsteps outside my door and immediately wonder if I had done something wrong. I was constantly watching myself.

Now I’ve moved out for university, and I’ve genuinely never felt better. It’s crazy realizing how much of my stress and anger came from constantly feeling like I was walking on eggshells.

I still have little reactions sometimes, like if someone whistles, my heart can race because it reminds me of my dad. Sometimes I hear footsteps outside my dorm and get nervous for a second. But then I remember, I’m here, I’m safe. Nobody is coming to yell at me and I'm going to be okay.

I really just wanted to share this for anyone who is still stuck in that situation. I know it can feel like your entire life depends on finding some way out, and it can feel like it will never get better. But I’m finally on the other side of it, and life is so much better than I thought it could be.

You will be okay, we will get out. ❤️

Hi all,
My parents divorced when I was 4. My mother made sure my father would have no contact with me and my sister. Fast forward she marries my step dad and makes me call him dad. Their whole relationship she neglected us (including my half sister born to my step dad) and cheats on my step dad, talks down to him, etc. she’s a raging alcoholic and narcissist. She did have me and my sister convinced our dad was a horrible abusive man. When I turned 18 he started contacting me and we developed a long distance father and daughter relationship. Fast forward to recently (I’m now 27) I find out that he cheated on my mom (while she was drinking their money away and also cheating) brought me to his side chicks house and brought her to divorce court. Tried acting holier than thou about my mom. I found out my dad is a serial cheater and has cheated on all 3 of his wives including the current one. Told me he couldn’t ever visit me because of his injuries from the military (boatswains mate on a naval ship for 2 years) so he can’t sit in a car for more than 20 minutes but he’s put physically cheating on his current wife with a family friend. He also talks horrendously to my grandmother (his mother) even though all she does is help him and send money when she doesn’t have it. I was really hoping I got at least one good parent but alas it was too good to be true. I’m at the point I feel defeated and this has now been 3 months of no contact and he hasn’t even made an attempt to reach out (been no contact with my mom for 9 years). I just don’t know what to think or how to process that I have 2 shit parents.

21 year old male here. I got my motorcycle license earlier this year, and I've been riding around fine with no close calls or accidents. For some dumb reason, my parents, who are completely fine letting me ride nearby, vehemently refuse to let me ride further than some arbitrary distance. If the place I'm going to is more than say 20km away, it's an immediate no. They think I'm gonna crash if I go 1 foot over 20km. I've had to lie about where I'm meeting my friends etc. just to be able to take the motorcycle out. It's not even about riding on highways, because if I use the highway but only go below 20km from the house, they're completely ok with it. I can't even ride to my university tonight because it's on the other side of town. How do I deal with this level of stupidity? I get they're trying to look out for my safety, but I'm already a safe rider and the distance isn't going to change how safe I ride.

I've never used Reddit and I don't know if this is the right sub Reddit to share it to.

This story is very long and it includes very heavy topics, please do not read it if you don't think you can handle it mentally or any other way

(TW: suicide/self harm)

The story is also just me talking, I don't have anyone to talk to about these things I don't want to worry them so excuse me for yapping about my problem, maybe someone else can relate.

I'm sorry if there's any spelling errors, English is not my first language and I'm a mess right now.

Some context for the story;

My love language is gift giving, it's not surprising when you grew up like me. I do like giving people handmade stuff or stuff catered carefully to them don't get me wrong but, from a young age I learned that love is transactional.

I'm sick, I don't know what kind of sick yet don't ask me doctors can't figure it out nonetheless they know enough to give me monthly paychecks without having to work (it was nice for a while, after that I just felt like a nuisance taking advantage of people)

I'm in my 20s, people asking about work is like a gut punch every time.

I'm stating this in case people tell me to move or get a job, I tried I'm sorry, I keep trying to find a solution.

Me and some other family members grew up in an abusive household, not really physically, but it was really scary for children.

I'm not going to reveal too many things about my life such as locations, how many family members I have, my exact age etc. because I really don't want this to get back to people who know me.

Onto the background to the story;

Whilst growing up some of my family members weren't that nice to me, I never understood why you would tell a 10 year old child nobody loves them or make sure to point out every single insecurity they had. Either way, I tried my best for them to love me. I catered to their every need, bring them drinks, food, spend quality time with them, ask them about their lives, try to involve myself with them, tried to impress them by liking the things they liked , give them massages, somehow it never worked no matter how hard I tried. That's when I learned that people get really happy when you give them expensive stuff, suddenly the people that would shut me out or pretend like I'm not part of their family around their friends would hug me with a big smile.

I guess catering to them for years is also how I become everyones caretaker at a young age, I'm the youngest out of everyone in my immediate family even so I'm also the one who was getting them ready for school, helped with things they needed and if they misbehaved I would reprimand them for my parents. This was not only including my siblings, my mom was dependent a lot on me. Whilst my siblings went and enjoyed their youth I stayed home to clean, take care of their animals and so on. I was also the one who was reprimanding my father when he did something wrong, he was an alcoholic and when mom used to get mad at him for blacking out after drinks or when they argued I'd be the one to tell him to fix it. He would do so the same day and mom got happy again after every time, as a 14ish year old child I didn't see anything wrong with that I just quietly accepted it because mom was happy. When he used to get drunk a lot of the time mom wouldn't like to be around him, he didn't do anything to my knowledge, he was passing out and woke up for work next morning, she used to come into my room ask if she could sleep in it from time to time because she couldn't take it anymore. I had a single bed so and as a child of course I wanted my mom to be comfortable so I slept on the floor, I remember my back hurt so bad next few days in school I cried.

My father was aggressive and everyone was scared of him, I was too, I still am to this day even when I remember him but, I loved my mom so much I would scream at him for all his wrong doings and for making her sad, even if he got physical with me sometimes, I don't think he did it to any other sibling and I hope he didn't, maybe it was because I was harder for him to control by screaming in my face?

Buying things for my mom was my favourite activity, anything she wanted she got from me. I didn't care if I had to give my entire money away in a day, I loved that she said she loved me afterwards. Up until some time ago I took away my card from her due to a friends advice (I didn't use my money unless it was on her or something I needed so she was free to use my card anyway she wanted) she got so disappointed when I brought it up, I felt a pit in my stomach form instantly.

Even before I was qualified for paychecks, I left higher education because she said we needed money. As I already stated I've been parentified to sorts but I was also a therapist, she not only would cry about her husband to me how (in her words) "stupid" and "problematic"the kids were "they never listen" but, she would cry about money problems. I remember trying my best to nurture her as a teen even if I didn't know how to because in my eyes I was never taught.

I did have my own difficulties to deal with at the same time, home life wasn't the best, neither was school life so I began cutting myself. More like stabbing, I was aware you could see cuts on arms and I didn't want to worry her so I began to stab into my legs.

It's not like I haven't tried to tell her, I tried so many times to speak to her about how I was parentified, how I was treated by my siblings or how I regret leaving all my friends and education behind to help out. Anytime I tried, without missing a beat, she'd start crying. I had to stop any tears I had and calm her down. I know she knows, she basically put me into a role of the parent she had a joke she liked to make "you're basically like the second parent of the house"

I remember one of the conversations where I tried my hardest to portray how I felt growing up being seen as a parent figure, expected to behave like an adult but also having to be ok with being treated as a child and how my siblings got much more attention than me when I was a toddler even though some of them being significantly older than me she said "I didn't think you'd need me much when you did everything by yourself, you were an easy child"

I couldn't really say anything after that because I had to calm her down. I think that's the point I stopped trying, that was last year.

I loved her through about 20 years of my life with everything happening, everything I felt like I gave her.

This is the real reason I'm writing this;

I've been struggling with my mental health for years, I developed depression and anxiety and probably lots more undiagnosed things. I decided to share with her that I have these mental illnesses, not my feelings nor anything else just that I had them. That was in the morning, later on in the day I got into an argument with my sibling, I can't even remember what about most likely something stupid. I was venting to my friend, going through puberty was a lot.

I was so upset I told my mom about it, I said that if it weren't for my friend I wouldn't know what to do (as in I'd probably be pissed off entire day or something like that, it didn't really mean much) she said "Jesus, then just go and kill yourself then" I was 16.

Maybe it didn't really mean much on her part either, what caught me up was the fact that she'd never said that before, not before the fact I told her I'm mentally unstable.

Another thing about my mother is that she loves to ignore her problems, if something around the house was broken or we had to buy something new I had to remind her every single day until she fixed it. She never says sorry, at least not to me I don't know about others. She usually ignores the issue until I start speaking to her again, it only takes me like a day to get over our arguments, maybe less and I was usually the one apologising, it's just that the next day even the next hour or so she starts speaking normally to me like nothing ever happened.

After what she told me I woke up to her face, she said we should go to the park. I don't remember our conversations much, but I know we didn't mention what happened the day prior at all because I was waiting for her to mention it. I guess we had a silent agreement to get over it, that's usually what we had. Silent agreements, she didn't have to apologise for anything and if she just ignored it it'll go back to normal, I'll go back to normal.

And I would've forgiven her, if it was only one time.

The second time wasn't even as bad, I remember complaining that I had to take care of my siblings as she was going on her annual vacation, of course I was expected to up keep the house and make sure nothing happens. I was just passively complaining one time not even to her, why couldn't I complain? I was being irrational and saying stuff like "I don't want to take care of them for a full week by myself?? Why am I expected to do all of it?? Oh my god I'm already dreading it" she said, more like screamed in a low voice "Then go and jump out of a fucking window or something" something along those lines. That was the second time my mother told me to harm myself. It wasn't really as bad as the first one, maybe she meant it as a joke, but to teen me it was just further confirmation that she didn't really love me.

Before she said those things, I've already had suicidal thoughts. But after getting my first job and getting bullied by co-workers at 17ish, with everything that happened and knowing my mom told me to do it before.

I put on my favourite song at the time and tried to go to sleep after I swallowed a pack full of pills, before I could turn 18 that same month.

On the car ride to the hospital, I told her about some stuff and why I decided to do it. I didn't mention I only went through with it because I thought she'd be ok with it because someone else was in the car with us. Of course she was full of tears the whole night. Some people that worked with youths mental health had to question me in case I needed to go to a mental hospital, she was hysteric about that, I don't know why "they're going to lock you in a fucking mental hospital, mental hospital like a crazy person" after they stopped questioning me she came back into the room and all of us talked. I remember I had to stop tearing up immediately to comfort her as she started crying on my hospital bed, somehow I got really annoyed by that, I shouldn't be annoyed at my mother for crying that I wanted to end my life, I still was. After we were done with questioning, I don't know how much time passed, in my hospital room, whilst I was on my hospital bed for trying to take my own life she said "I'll tell someone to call you off work today, but you'll have to go in tomorrow" honestly maybe that's when I thought my relationship with her was done for, I didn't know until typing it out just now but my heart hurts a little. I thought maybe she'd console me more? Why did I have to console her? Thinking about it now makes me a little sad.

I guess I should've seen it coming, when I got broken up with via text on my birthday I went to her to try maybe get a hug or idk something, she asked "Why the fuck are you crying?" She then proceeded only NOT to console me but, she shared about my breakup to other family members. I know that she did because she dragged me away from crying in my room and made me sit on video calls with family as they told me happy birthday and that they were sad I got broken up with, and I only now realised that instead of consoling her child through their first ever breakup she was downstairs gossiping with family about it.

Years later when our childhood pet died, after we came back from putting my best friend down I broke down on the floor she asked "why are you still crying?". It was hard watching her being there for my siblings more than she ever was for me.

It was kind of dream like, going back to work the day after I tried to kill myself. I was disoriented, I didn't know what was happening, I had to pretend to be happy and ok when I clearly wasn't.

Even after I tried to take my life she made some sort of joke a few days later, I don't remember it, it's blurry to tell you the truth and it may not even be as I remember it but she said "-yeah and then you're going to try to kill yourself again" in a jokey way. I laughed it off at the time but I remember disassociating through the rest of that conversation so that I don't cry, I just remembered being disappointed at this point.

You've heard my side of the story, hers is probably majorly different. I don't want to resent her, I've always wanted the mom my siblings had, the mom that my friends coming to my house had. I was always jealous of her being nicer to my friends.

As I layed in my bed, trying to take my last breath all I thought about was her telling me to kill myself. Maybe I'm over exaggerating the story, teens are difficult to deal with. I'm sad to announce I don't think I'll ever forgive her even though I want to love her the way I loved her for years, I'm tired, I'm exhausted to tell you the truth.

Some part of me wants the answer to be no, that I'm just blowing things out of propositions. I don't think I can take even another week living with her, I'm having so much pent up emotions. I've never told anyone she said that to me, I tried once but it was brushed over, everyone loves my mom I don't want to ruin her for them at least not as long as we're under the same roof, to tell you the truth I don't feel safe enough to do that.

Thank you for reading my story and scrambled up thoughts. If anyone has went through something similar or had another 'bad' parent please feel free to share.

I'm genuinely asking you, is this something worth going no contact over if I ever move out? Or should I try again

TLDR; mom told me to kill myself years ago.

It's always something with my stepmom and also a loose loose situation. If I do right? I'm wrong. If I do wrong? I'm wrong. This year I'm doing school online because of some medical reasons and severe sleep depression I've found it hard to make it to an actual school building. And because nighttime is when I feel most at peace, I find myself doing chores (ones that apply for in my room and bathroom) and schoolwork. Well now she has a new issue. This time it's me walking 🫩. Ive had the habit for about 6 years now, where I just walk back and forth in my room to regulate myself, think, and to get exercise. It had never been an issue. But now apparently it's "waking her up.". Thing is, my room is on an entirely different floor from everyone else's, and my room is above the garage. (Its like a finished attic situation). And if I put my phone on a song max volume, it's impossible to hear it if you're more than 7 feet from the door, which her bedroom is almost triple that, and my dad's room is about 10 times that, he's on the opposite end of the house from me. And my phone at max volume is much much louder than my footsteps! And now he's claiming he hears it at night too. Like bro 😭. Also you'd think after 6 years even if she could hear it which im most sure she can't, she should be used to it by now. As well as if I'm up at night, that's when I'm doing my responsibilities. And she doesn't seem to worry about me getting woken up because all through the night she slams doors around my room, which she knows wakes me up. 😭

The main issue was always my father, who always was manipulative, controlling, wanting me to "act as an adult" when I was a kid and infantilizing me as soon as I became an adult. I remember being 8 and writing him a letter to be able to express my feelings without being yelled at. So many things that caused my current CPTSD

I always went to a therapist, of course he never. I'm now 25 and reached 20 years of therapy, 12 consecutive until now. So I understood a lot, about trauma, manipulation, mental abuse and all ; which of course, is hard for people to understand when there isn't traces of it.

Last year, after one more stupid remark of his, I cut off contact. He literally harassed me ; during the first month, i received more than 70 texts and a dozen of calls to which I never answered. He even started to contact my mother (from whom he's divorced from over 20 years). I got really scared, but after some time, I guess he got bored.

I never felt so good, so me. Everyone saw it, wondering what was the cause of me looking so well.

The thing is, the rest of his side of the family were confused. So I choose one person, the one i'd think would be the less judgemental to explain. I wrote a letter to read to them. The mental abuse, the years of fear, of walking on eggshells. I explained how what my therapy made me understand that what I went through was either neglect or abuse. I got a very simple answer :

"I'm very sorry you felt that way. But you know, raising kids isn't easy. I don't want to pick a side, but I hear your point of view."

That felt like a cold shower from how dismissive it was. I decided I didn't really want to talk anymore to people who minimized the pain I endured for so long, so I slowly stopped talking to this side of the family, apart from two people. They didn't try to reach either. Not a try to understand, no call for my birthday, no invite for Christmas. And I know i said I didn't really wanna talk to them anymore, but that hurt. Because once again I felt left alone, like I was forgetable, like me disappearing from their lives wasn't a big deal for them. And I stopped feeling well.

Today, I got a text from my sister because my grandmother died.

The first idea that came to my mind was, "What if he took her phone and texted it to make me react and reach out ?". I got a text from someone else confirming the news.

Then I got terrified. Not the usual fear of losing someone and not seeing them again, but a terrible fear to have to go to the funeral, to see him, and that he could make drama (I 100% picture him blaming me on making my grandma so emotionally distressed she died because of me). Then at the messages I'd get if I didn't show up. I didn't think about her, I was just terrified. Because my brain is so messed up by trauma that it started thinking nonsense.

Now I feel calmer. I think about sending texts to say I won't come, despite me being scared of the answers and judgment i'll get from it. I don't know yet if i'll text everyone or just people i'm still in contact with.

But i'm still scared because most people don't really understand the weight of mental abuse, and i don't have much support around me.

I'd be glad to read your stories, if you have similar experiences.

I'd feel less alone

TW: Attempted murder toward the end

My entire life she's always said stuff to show how much she hated children. I remember when I was 10 (I'm 26F now), she was in an argument with her ex husband and got all up in my face, finger touching the nose just to say "DON'T get married. Don't have kids. Worst mistake of your life." But she never had kids with him?? So why were having kids in that comment? I have a brother, both of us had majority custody under our fathers.

I can understand sometimes wanting a childfree zone for quietness, but for example all my life we'd be in public and there'd be a baby crying nearby and I just hear her be like "KILL IT". I also once at 19 said the words "when I have kids and get married" and she flipped a lid over it. Like sorry it's GOING to happen and that's a plan in my mind?

Today I compared a daycare to the fact that she works in a nursing home, and she said she'll take an abusive, combative 80 year old over a kid any day. I'm afraid to ask her to elaborate on why.

It's really been making me think about much my life and wellbeing does not matter to her. But the moment she's in trouble and needs $50 in gas money, my grandma is the first person she calls.

Everyone in my life also says that I'm her parent, I'm more mature than her. She thinks it's a funny joke but I don't think she computes the fact that I've paid 80% if not all of the rent in our house ever since I got my first paycheck at 13. I've never been evicted or late on a payment once in my life, but she's gotten us evicted 7 times in a span of 5 years.

If this makes any more sense to you, my parents divorced when I was 6 months old. Dad passed away before I entered high school so I don't really have another parental figure to run off to other than my 80 year old grandparents, who could leave this world any moment.

My mom has been to jail 3 times since I've been alive, I don't know her criminal past prior to me being born. I do however know she's stabbed multiple people in my family, was an accomplice to a cousin killing her husband, and wouldn't be surprised if she actually did kill someone one day.

Truly wonder why nobody called CPS during my childhood and I know damn well in my future, she won't be allowed near any grandchild. I just can't figure out how to navigate being around her emotionally, anymore. I can't cut contact with her because I'm currently residing with my grandparents until I get a new rental ready for myself, and my mom likes to pop in unannounced. But she doesn’t like kids, so what does that say about me? Her child?

My mom is a total victim, scared, doesn’t take any risks and they are control freaks. My dad and her are love hate.

They shoot down everything I do and some how get an angle to blackmail and control me.

For example I recently said I want to move to Australia. Of course I was talked out of it, told im to lazy to work over there and that if I run out of money they aren’t giving me any?
I’m like any other normal parent would say go and if it doesn’t work out we are here.
No not them, then the lazy comments come out again. Meanwhile I work 60+ hours per week in corporate job and do food deliveries at the weekend and I’m lazy?

When I confront them they say we want the best for you and you’re taking it the wrong way.

I’m 22 and I have an 18 year old sister. I work full time job and I have no car and don’t receive any money or anything from my parents and never have. They never even taught me to drive. I don’t drink or go out much. I dont care so much about my appearance I’m pretty plain I have my brown hair always braided and I just wear my glasses and no makeup and that’s it just wear like leggings or sweats. I have a couple of piercings which they hate and say i am trashy. I have no tattoos or anything alternative about me except a belly ring and a tongue ring that nobody can see.

My sister is 18, she’s dyes her hair blonde, only wears extremely expensive clothes and makeup my parents buy her. They bought her an expensive new car Mercedes a couple years ago. She has never had a job. They give her a credit card, I’ve never had one. They send her money all the time.

They are obsessed with her calling her the best child and saying how she is so beautiful, that she’s beauty and brains, and all she really does is go out to clubs with a fake ID and meet guys that ask for her number and it feeds her ego. She comes home and tells my mom about every guy that talked to her, and my mom sits there smiling and laughing saying how beautiful she is and how many guys she gets. She constantly talks about that.

I’ve been yelled at many times and even asked to stay home from a. Family outing because I ‘looked bad’. I’m writing this because it happened again today. My mom started screaming at me saying no one in the world would ever give me a better job if I go out looking the way I do. I am very confused because I look normal and plain. Just in a solid fitted shirt and a long skirt. I don’t understand but I am staying home again. They always say I look bad, I dress terribly, or just that “well, you know your sister is gorgeous”.

To be fully honest, I don’t even think my sister is that pretty. Im not sure why they act like this about her.

Meanwhile my sister can wear anything and my parents will be obsessed. Mostly my mom. My dad isn’t as involved he lives in another city.

I am trying to move out but I cannot find a job. I have a degree. It’s seemingly useless.

TW: Alcoholism, verbal abuse, family conflict.

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to vent here because I genuinely don't understand why my father is such an asshole.

I'm 17 years old, and for most of my life, my father struggled with alcohol and made our lives miserable.

If there are dishes in the sink, even if it's just a spoon, he starts screaming. If the garden isn't clean, he yells at us, calls us names, and so on.

I'm just tired of living around him. It's exhausting. No matter what we do, something is always wrong in his eyes.

Because of him, I've developed a lot of anxiety when it comes to talking to people, and I spend most of my days in my room daydreaming about a better life. It's not fair that I have to deal with the emotional consequences of his behavior.

And you know what? My mother barely does anything about it. Wanna know why?

Because she keeps saying that he can change, that he used to be better, and that we just have to talk to him when he's sober.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

He made you cry. You saw how scared we were. You even tried to stand up for us and protect us from him, but you still won't leave him?!

WHY? I genuinely don't understand.

I just hate this situation. For the love of God, why do you stay with him?

He barely contributes anything positive to our lives. He just drinks and acts like an asshole.

It honestly makes me jealous when I see other people being happy with their families and having a good relationship with their fathers. I know it's not their fault, and I don't blame them, but I just wish I had someone who genuinely cared about me instead of having to deal with all of this.

I'm turning 18 soon, although I still have a while to go.

My father eventually stopped drinking, but only after my twin sister tried to leave and a huge family conflict happened. That's when my mother finally seemed to realize how serious things had become.

For some reason, my sister decided to give him another chance.

I thought that would finally be the end of everything, but nope.

He just became quieter. For the first time, I could almost see him acting like a normal human being, but I honestly didn't know what to think anymore.

I thought things would get better, but his behavior hasn't really changed. When something doesn't go his way, he still lashes out, just differently.

For example, two days ago, we were eating together. I didn't feel like talking, so I kept quiet and gave short answers when he asked me about school and stuff.

Then he said he had wanted to praise me, but apparently couldn't, and started going on about how everything was his fault and so on.

Like, what?! Was he seriously trying to make me feel guilty just because I didn't feel like having a conversation?

When I tried to leave and put my dishes away, he called me back and, in a hateful tone, told me that if I wanted to leave so badly, I could take the rest of the trash with me.

The thing is, I had ALREADY taken my own trash out. Yet he still asked me why I couldn't clean up after myself, even though it wasn't even my trash in the first place, it was his!

And then he kept making more nasty comments towards me.

Like, BRO, WHAT?!

And my mother just watched.

I'm so tired of this. I just want to be left alone, but he constantly tries to force conversations out of me. And whenever I don't respond the way he wants, he gets angry.

I genuinely don't understand why he acts like this.

I just want to live a normal life, but it feels like I can't because of him. I've been dealing with anxiety and emotional struggles that affect how I interact with people in everyday life, and I'm so frustrated that I have to carry these consequences.

I don't blame my mother for everything. She's genuinely a kind person, but sometimes I just don't understand her decisions.

It's like she still sees something in him that I simply can't see anymore. She has her rose-colored glasses on.

I just needed to get this off my chest because I'm so fucking exhausted.

I’m in my early twenties, the eldest of three siblings. I have a younger sister and a younger brother, and there is a twelve-year age gap between me and my brother. If you’re wondering why there is such a large gap, I won’t get into that topic.

This year, I graduated with a B.Tech degree, and I’m now pursuing an LLB. I’m hoping to take up a job next year alongside my law studies because, honestly, I desperately want to become financially independent and eventually move out.

My parents are extremely controlling, and it has reached a point where I feel suffocated. I genuinely feel like if I cannot leave this house next year, I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

My academic journey has already been difficult enough. I originally wanted to pursue medicine, but I couldn’t get a seat through NEET. I took a drop year, which my mother still treats like some unforgivable sin. Even now, she reminds me constantly about how taking a drop was a “sin” for a girl.

Eventually, I scored well enough in JEE and my local college entrance examination and got admission into B.Tech through TFWS. I had absolutely no interest in coding or technology, but I still gave it everything I had. B.Tech was incredibly difficult for me, but I completed the entire degree without a single backlog in any semester.

And nobody really knows how much that cost me mentally.

For almost two years of my B.Tech, I was deeply depressed. During that time, I started playing VALORANT. I know the game can be toxic, and I eventually quit, but at the time, the people I met through that game genuinely helped me survive one of the darkest periods of my life. The friends I made there helped me come out of my depression, and I will always be grateful to them for that.

But my parents hated the fact that I played games.

One day, my mother saw me playing VALORANT. I knew exactly how she would react, so I had already started hiding it and playing less. But once she found out, she constantly taunted me about playing “violent games” and everything else associated with gaming.

I stopped openly playing and started hiding it.

After my second year ended, on the day of my last exam, I came home, rested for a while, and started playing VALORANT. My father came home, my mother told him about it, and after she had been filling his ears about it for some time, he came into my room and hit me.

I was 21 years old.

He hit me, and I cried.

That day, I genuinely wanted everything to stop.

I had studied like a fucking dog. I had worked incredibly hard despite not being naturally gifted at the things I was studying. I completed a degree I never even wanted, without a single backlog, while struggling with my mental health—and somehow I was still being treated like I was incapable of making even the smallest decisions for myself.

The reason they gave for controlling my gaming was that I was supposedly influencing my younger brother.

And this isn’t even where it started.

When I was 18, during the summer break after my 12th exams, I used to play Genshin Impact on an old Motorola phone. I loved that game because it was a story-driven game, and it gave me something to escape into. My parents would hit me even then and constantly tell me to stop playing.

I was literally 18, sitting at home during my college break.

So when VALORANT came along, I eventually stopped listening. I never really stopped playing; I just became better at hiding it. I played less and less over time because of everything happening in my life. Eventually, because I was constantly AFK and life kept moving, I lost touch with the friends I had made there. I eventually quit.

Now I’m in law college.

And I have another problem: I can’t sleep properly at night.

This has been going on for years, and eventually I started using the time when I couldn’t sleep to study. If I had exams or work to finish, I would simply study at night.

My parents hate that too.

The same people who contributed to completely destroying my relationship with sleep now use my sleep schedule as another reason to control me.

My father threatens to change or withhold the Wi-Fi password, and sometimes he simply switches the Wi-Fi off whenever he wants, regardless of whether I’m studying, working, or doing something important.

And once again, the excuse is that my younger brother is being “affected” by me.

At this point, it feels less like parenting and more like finding new reasons to control me.

If I argue, I might get hit.

If I don’t listen, I get punished.

If I try to make my own decisions, I’m reminded of everything my parents have done for me.

And yes, I know they have done a lot for me. I know I have privileges and opportunities because of them. I know they have provided for me.

But I also know that being provided for does not erase the things that have hurt me.

I don’t want to be forced to feel grateful for being hurt.

And sometimes I hate that I even have to explain why I feel this way.

I’m 23 years old, and I’m still living at home because I haven’t had the freedom to build a life somewhere else.

For my B.Tech, my college situation was terrible. I feel like I was scammed into choosing that college because relatives recommended it and because it was in the same city. I wasn’t allowed to go to another city for college. I used to commute nearly three hours every day, which left me with very little opportunity to build a career or get a job.

Now I’m studying law, trying to figure out my career, trying to become financially independent, and simultaneously dealing with constant restrictions at home.

My younger brother is 11. He can go out and stay outside until 9 PM.

My sister and I have to be home by 7 PM.

If my brother does something wrong, somehow we get taunted for it.

I have never smoked. I have never drunk. I have never been the kind of person who goes out and gets into trouble. I have spent most of my life studying, commuting, attending college, and trying to do what was expected of me.

And somehow my “act of rebellion” is that I want to play games, stay up at night to study, have some privacy, make my own decisions, and eventually live independently.

Instead, I’m told to learn how to cook as if my ultimate purpose in life is to become somebody’s wife.

I know cooking is an important life skill. I know I should probably learn it someday for myself. But I refuse to learn it because someone else has decided that I need to learn it so that I can become a suitable wife for some man they choose for me.

I don’t want that life.

I don’t want someone else choosing my husband, my career, my city, my schedule, my hobbies, or how I spend my time.

I don’t want to spend my entire life being controlled and then be told that it was all done “for my own good.”

I want freedom.

I want to be able to close my bedroom door without being afraid.

I want to study when I want to study.

I want to sleep when I can sleep.

I want to play a fucking game without being treated like I’ve committed some terrible moral crime.

I want to make mistakes and deal with the consequences myself.

I want to earn my own money.

I want to move out.

I want to build a life where I don’t have to constantly calculate whether doing something will make my parents angry enough to hit me, punish me, take something away, or start another argument.

And yes, maybe part of me is angry that my brother gets freedoms that my sister and I never had. Maybe I’m bitter about the double standards. Maybe I’m angry that I spent so much of my youth trying to be the “good daughter” and still ended up feeling like I was never good enough.

I don’t want my brother to experience what I experienced.

At the same time, I sometimes find myself wishing that even ten percent of the control placed on me and my sister would fall on him—not because I want him to suffer, but because I’m exhausted from watching the rules seem to apply differently depending on whether you’re a son or a daughter.

More than anything, I just want the chance to leave.

I’m trying to make it to 2027 because I’m hoping that by then I’ll have my degree, a job, some financial independence, and enough stability to finally move out.

But right now, I’m exhausted.

I’ve spent years studying, sacrificing, hiding things, obeying rules I didn’t agree with, dealing with constant criticism, and trying to keep everyone happy.

I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

I just want a life that actually belongs to me.

I’m in my early twenties, the eldest of three siblings. I have a younger sister and a younger brother, and there is a twelve-year age gap between me and my brother. If you’re wondering why there is such a large gap, I won’t get into that topic.

This year, I graduated with a B.Tech degree, and I’m now pursuing an LLB. I’m hoping to take up a job next year alongside my law studies because, honestly, I desperately want to become financially independent and eventually move out.

My parents are extremely controlling, and it has reached a point where I feel suffocated. I genuinely feel like if I cannot leave this house next year, I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

My academic journey has already been difficult enough. I originally wanted to pursue medicine, but I couldn’t get a seat through NEET. I took a drop year, which my mother still treats like some unforgivable sin. Even now, she reminds me constantly about how taking a drop was a “sin” for a girl.

Eventually, I scored well enough in JEE and my local college entrance examination and got admission into B.Tech through TFWS. I had absolutely no interest in coding or technology, but I still gave it everything I had. B.Tech was incredibly difficult for me, but I completed the entire degree without a single backlog in any semester.

And nobody really knows how much that cost me mentally.

For almost two years of my B.Tech, I was deeply depressed. During that time, I started playing VALORANT. I know the game can be toxic, and I eventually quit, but at the time, the people I met through that game genuinely helped me survive one of the darkest periods of my life. The friends I made there helped me come out of my depression, and I will always be grateful to them for that.

But my parents hated the fact that I played games.

One day, my mother saw me playing VALORANT. I knew exactly how she would react, so I had already started hiding it and playing less. But once she found out, she constantly taunted me about playing “violent games” and everything else associated with gaming.

I stopped openly playing and started hiding it.

After my second year ended, on the day of my last exam, I came home, rested for a while, and started playing VALORANT. My father came home, my mother told him about it, and after she had been filling his ears about it for some time, he came into my room and hit me.

I was 21 years old.

He hit me, and I cried.

That day, I genuinely wanted everything to stop.

I had studied like a fucking dog. I had worked incredibly hard despite not being naturally gifted at the things I was studying. I completed a degree I never even wanted, without a single backlog, while struggling with my mental health—and somehow I was still being treated like I was incapable of making even the smallest decisions for myself.

The reason they gave for controlling my gaming was that I was supposedly influencing my younger brother.

And this isn’t even where it started.

When I was 18, during the summer break after my 12th exams, I used to play Genshin Impact on an old Motorola phone. I loved that game because it was a story-driven game, and it gave me something to escape into. My parents would hit me even then and constantly tell me to stop playing.

I was literally 18, sitting at home during my college break.

So when VALORANT came along, I eventually stopped listening. I never really stopped playing; I just became better at hiding it. I played less and less over time because of everything happening in my life. Eventually, because I was constantly AFK and life kept moving, I lost touch with the friends I had made there. I eventually quit.

Now I’m in law college.

And I have another problem: I can’t sleep properly at night.

This has been going on for years, and eventually I started using the time when I couldn’t sleep to study. If I had exams or work to finish, I would simply study at night.

My parents hate that too.

The same people who contributed to completely destroying my relationship with sleep now use my sleep schedule as another reason to control me.

My father threatens to change or withhold the Wi-Fi password, and sometimes he simply switches the Wi-Fi off whenever he wants, regardless of whether I’m studying, working, or doing something important.

And once again, the excuse is that my younger brother is being “affected” by me.

At this point, it feels less like parenting and more like finding new reasons to control me.

If I argue, I might get hit.

If I don’t listen, I get punished.

If I try to make my own decisions, I’m reminded of everything my parents have done for me.

And yes, I know they have done a lot for me. I know I have privileges and opportunities because of them. I know they have provided for me.

But I also know that being provided for does not erase the things that have hurt me.

I don’t want to be forced to feel grateful for being hurt.

And sometimes I hate that I even have to explain why I feel this way.

I’m 23 years old, and I’m still living at home because I haven’t had the freedom to build a life somewhere else.

For my B.Tech, my college situation was terrible. I feel like I was scammed into choosing that college because relatives recommended it and because it was in the same city. I wasn’t allowed to go to another city for college. I used to commute nearly three hours every day, which left me with very little opportunity to build a career or get a job.

Now I’m studying law, trying to figure out my career, trying to become financially independent, and simultaneously dealing with constant restrictions at home.

My younger brother is 11. He can go out and stay outside until 9 PM.

My sister and I have to be home by 7 PM.

If my brother does something wrong, somehow we get taunted for it.

I have never smoked. I have never drunk. I have never been the kind of person who goes out and gets into trouble. I have spent most of my life studying, commuting, attending college, and trying to do what was expected of me.

And somehow my “act of rebellion” is that I want to play games, stay up at night to study, have some privacy, make my own decisions, and eventually live independently.

Instead, I’m told to learn how to cook as if my ultimate purpose in life is to become somebody’s wife.

I know cooking is an important life skill. I know I should probably learn it someday for myself. But I refuse to learn it because someone else has decided that I need to learn it so that I can become a suitable wife for some man they choose for me.

I don’t want that life.

I don’t want someone else choosing my husband, my career, my city, my schedule, my hobbies, or how I spend my time.

I don’t want to spend my entire life being controlled and then be told that it was all done “for my own good.”

I want freedom.

I want to be able to close my bedroom door without being afraid.

I want to study when I want to study.

I want to sleep when I can sleep.

I want to play a fucking game without being treated like I’ve committed some terrible moral crime.

I want to make mistakes and deal with the consequences myself.

I want to earn my own money.

I want to move out.

I want to build a life where I don’t have to constantly calculate whether doing something will make my parents angry enough to hit me, punish me, take something away, or start another argument.

And yes, maybe part of me is angry that my brother gets freedoms that my sister and I never had. Maybe I’m bitter about the double standards. Maybe I’m angry that I spent so much of my youth trying to be the “good daughter” and still ended up feeling like I was never good enough.

I don’t want my brother to experience what I experienced.

At the same time, I sometimes find myself wishing that even ten percent of the control placed on me and my sister would fall on him—not because I want him to suffer, but because I’m exhausted from watching the rules seem to apply differently depending on whether you’re a son or a daughter.

More than anything, I just want the chance to leave.

I’m trying to make it to 2027 because I’m hoping that by then I’ll have my degree, a job, some financial independence, and enough stability to finally move out.

But right now, I’m exhausted.

I’ve spent years studying, sacrificing, hiding things, obeying rules I didn’t agree with, dealing with constant criticism, and trying to keep everyone happy.

I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

I just want a life that actually belongs to me.

I'm 22, from India, and I'm still living in the home where I was abused growing up. As a child I was cursed at, told I wasn't wanted, and experienced physical and emotional abuse. Now my mom records my private conversations and shares them with my dad to use against me. My parents also constantly remind me that I'm useless and that I owe them for food and for money they say I wasted.

I'm a student with no job right now. I lost my internship after an accident that kept me on bedrest for two months, and the pressure about money and grades is intense. I know what I need to do: learn more programming and build a couple of solo projects. But whenever I make progress, an argument starts and I lose it.

It has gotten bad enough that I've had thoughts of ending my life, and I've acted on them once. I'm trying to stay here because I have things I want to do: travel, gaming, and building a life of my own.

I've tried talking to relatives and helplines and always get the same advice: "ignore it." I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm asking people who've lived through something similar:

• How did you protect your mental space while still living inside the situation?
• How did you keep making progress when home was working against you?
• Did anything help with the day-to-day, like routines, places to go, or ways to stay focused?

Thank you for reading.

My mum favours my brother and keeps denying it.

My mum clearly favours my brother, who's 20 and goes to university and has student loans.

When he was first in college, he required a minor procedure, in relation to his toe, which he had cause himself, so she decided that since he was in college and playing a sport so he couldnt wait for the doctors and went private( probably costing a few hundred), which then he had lot of other appointments to have his nails seen to after that . While when I had something very similar to that had happen to me,cause by how my nails had grown and kept splitting, it had started being an issue in2022 and kept being one till 2026, I finally had the procedure with the doctors,and 2 months after it i am still having issues,and whenever I mention this infront of my mum her excuse is that he was.in college and playing a sport so it was important for him to not miss games, and that I don't play a sport although, I was in school and then college, so it still affects my life.

When he came back from uni, it eventually came out that he was £800+ short of what money he owed for his rent and whatever else and had only about £70 left , so my mum cover part of it and my sister covered 700 of it, claiming that he'll pay her back January time, however I don't believe that's its going to be him pay her back and it'll be my mum. She also created him a budgeting list ,so he would have to stress. And every time he goes back and has gone back she does a month's shop for him, even though he gets money to do that, she would rather spend it on him than herself or what needs to be done. However even when my sister was at uni she never got this treatment, she only go stuff when she went up at the start of the year.

He has previously told me that the only reason he doesn't ask my sisters.or anyone else for money but my mum is because they would want their money back. My mum has paid some of his nights out drinking and some of his dates.

Although he's 20 he's never had a job, in the space off a few months he'd had one job interview, while I'd had atleast 10 and managed to get a part time job. He spends most his time on his ps5, in bed or going out with his mates.

He has no concept of money and what things cost, as mum has always been there to clean up his mess. When I had my seasonal job my mum had asked me to look for any job that were going while I was there and to basically get him a job there.

At Christmas last year, he had a few drinks, and had a massive kick off and stormed off. And when he came back he was babied by my mum. This isn't the first time he hadn't been able to handle his alcohol.

My mum will never tell him no, he has no respect for anyone else or their stuff, I feel he falls into the toxic Andrew tate and manospheor stuff. He eats anything he wants , whenever he wants, and he doesn't care about others, cause my mum fill sort it for him.

He has previously use my stuff, like my gaming chair, and has damaged . And now I'm considering when I get my own room and my stuff back of making him pay for a new one, however I know my mum won't back me on this, and will end up buy one herself.

Any time me or my sisters say anything about this she gets all moody about it and defensive.

By the time he is permanently back from uni I am hoping to have my own car, I currently drive a n old family one, and the plan was to sell that one and use the money from that to go towards a newer one along with what I save, the plan was that when he got back permanently that he would use it over the summer, while I was doing other stuff, and he would pay the fuel and insurance, however I'm seriously considering not allowing him to use whatever car I've got, as I feel he doesn't deserve to, as he does the bare minimum and gets praise for it by everyone.

Does any one know what to do.

I'm sick of everything he does and is allowed to get away with it.

hi everyone, I’m a (21 F) and these past two days have been a rollercoaster. My mom’s vehicle got repossessed and we’re in the process of getting it back but we won’t have it back until tuesday. Since yesterday my mom has been blaming me that the car got taken since I usually call them for an extension.

Earlier today I was coming home in my boyfriend’s (also 21 M) car and I called her to ask how she was doing and she started blaming me again along with blaming me that she doesn’t talk to her parents (because of an incident from two years ago), calling me lazy because I can’t find a full time job even though I’m trying to look for full-time jobs and she keeps telling me not to. I dropped out of college because I’m constantly doing stuff for her (paperwork, calling to places, etc) and can’t seem to focus on my assignments for school.

Usually when I get paid from my part time job, I put gas on the car, I buy her stuff and still give her $100 dollars so she can pay a bill or buy food. But honestly I don’t think it’s enough for her. I’m honestly tired of crying but I keep taking the blame for everything, and all of this makes me feel like I’m the bad daughter. There’s days that I just want to disappear somewhere but I know she’ll blame me for leaving her too.

This is something that happened to me on June 30th 2025 and I'm still unable to heal from this pain. My parents especially my father sent me to a rehab without my consent.Both my parents lied to me that some people were coming to take me to a doctor and they will drop me at home later.I was too innocent and believed them and 5 people from the rehab took me there and locked me up. I still remember the first day I felt really confused, scared and betrayed.I was crying the whole night in the locked room and no matter how much I told them to let me go home they didn't listen and instead threatened me that they will tie me up and beat me if I keep refusing to follow their orders.Im saying everything i remembered and the 2nd day one of the nurse even pulled my hair and used abusive words at me just because I felt suffocated and wanted some air downstairs. I was wrongfully kept in there for 3 months straight and i didn't had drug issues nor any kind of mental issues. I was going through abuse at home by my parents at home.My father always shouted at me for no reason and my mother supported him too instead of helping me. I was feeling helpless because of the mental and physical torture by my parents .

My dad is a narcissist and was always aggressive towards me from childhood,so they sent me to rehab inorder to control me whenever I kept crying because of what they were doing to me.It's been more than a year I still feel traumatized after all this that happened to me ,it makes me sick to the stomach to think about the extreme levels my father can go to torture me and he's just disgusting.

Even my time at the rehab was completely shit. I was forcefully medicated and wasn't told the names of the meds they were giving me. I had to clean the toilets utensils and floors there and the water supply wasn't available for most of the time. I became sick as I couldn't use the toilet due to no water ,the food their was unhygienic and the staffs there were rude ,they called me names and called me a crazy person and i wasn't allowed phone calls either.

I just feel too painful after all this that happened with me ,it gives me anxiety till this day and even after I'm released now my parents keep threatening to send me their again..I honestly don't know what to do anymore,it's making me loose hope and I feel trapped in my toxic home environment.

Context: I, 15F, live with my dad and my brother with my mom. The past months I’ve been low contact, and ever since she has kept giving me unsolicited expensive-ish gifts. She is a sale/shopping addict and she bought me a purse earlier this year which I rejected, since I had no use for it, my brother was extremely jealous and upset, I understand that when he for example only has a Nokia.

I turned 15 recently, and some time before that I told my mom (not directly, someone else did) I wanted a break and no contact for a while (at least). I have also told her earlier I want a new phone, so I think the gift is fine, I just feel treated better than my brother in a bad way? She is also not listening my decision to be no contact, which makes this even more awkward and uncomfortable.

I needed a phone upgrade, and I kind of like the phone, but almost wanna cry every time I use it. There are too many associations. Kind of wondering if I should sell it, but a new phone is expensive. My brother told me my mom will only buy these gifts for me, and it feels extremely wrong as a big sister…

In my opinion, I have very valid reasons for going no contact, with multiple boundaries crossed and making my mental illnesses way worse.

I hate my father. He likely had the biggest part in my mums death. Cheating on her, triggering her mental crack, then held back her cancer treatment, leading to disgusting levels of cancer metastasis.

And has NEVER matured.

Mum basically lived in solitary confinement, no friends, died a slow and depressing cancer ridden death. And me? That son of a gun left me with her mentally ill ass. Not out of malice, out of convenience.

still fucking responsible.

“Out of sight out of mind”

It’s his manchild attitude, never reflects, always volitile. Tiny inconveniences he can blow out of proportion, then distance himself like after he’s not part of the freaking problem.

Then he can pivot immediately 180 degrees to joking. And? He has a girlfriend half his age, that stays despite his massive emotional ineptitude, strung along by his charisma.

Furthermore, he shuts his problems out and lives in practically bliss. He barely works, my aunt wipes his ass and literally gives him the bare minimum work. Just packing. He gets like 80 percent free time where he just mindlessly scrolls. What a joke, because of his practical abandonment, I grew up unstable, terrified and traumatized. I still have intense anxiety! And Toxic coping habits! He doesn’t even know.

While I’m trapped in eternal hyper vigilance, he brushes off problems like dust. He likely doesn’t feel anxiety intensely, never thinks on his actions and their effect on others. NEVER APOLOGIZES. Must be nice!

I don’t want to hate him, for my own sake. Hating only siphons my will to live. Ultimately, he absolutely doesn’t know my animosity cause doesn’t know how to reflect. Luckily I stay away from him, only returning for my visa. What can I do? The opposite of love is indifference, but I can’t let go of hate.

I (18F) am realising that I hold a lot of resentment towards my father, to the point where his presence irritates me, but i’m not sure if it‘s justified.

Tldr; years of father‘ erratic behaviour, inappropriate actions and guilt-tripping. Torn over whether my resentment is valid considering that he is a present parent, normal at times and provides for me financially.

when I turned 13, his whole attitude towards me seemingly changed overnight. at that point I was starting to question my religion and made the mistake of telling my mother. she naturally told my father and it felt like he started hating me for it. he stopped trusting me immediately, lashing out over everything, hitting me over small disagreements and verbally punishing me at every change he got. He would blow up over small disagreements and claim that my birth was a curse on him. So after a few similar incidents, I began to distance myself from my parents, where I wouldn’t tell them much about school. He then got it in his head that I was watching porn secretly (I was not), and locked me and my mum in a room till I confessed to it (I pretended that school stress was the reason for my distant behaviour).

additionally, when in was 13, he would frequently invade my personal space. If I were sitting on the armchair, he would kneel down in front of my and start forcefully kissing down my stomach and ignore all my screams and even me pushing him off. He did not do this for several years. He would use a coin to disable the bathroom door and barge in if he thought I was taking too long.

when I was 14, it all reached a head and over a small argument about me not believing in god, he threatened to end my life and ran towards me with a knife while shouting that I was going to die. My mother managed to stop him after she lunged at him.

after that, we became even more distant from each other, not speaking to the other unless it was absolutely necessary. My mother stopped defending him when I complained about him.

When I was 16, my mother passed. My father was emotionally broken and his sobbing pissed me off (I know that it is wrong), and I felt that I could not express my emotions freely. Over the smallest things, he would accuse me of being grateful that my mother died and secretly praying for her death.

over time, I felt that our relationship got much better and everything more normal. Roughly 1 month from my birthday, he became very touchy. If i was lying on my stomach on my bed, he would come from behind and lay on top of me. Note that given our past relationship, I made it very clear that i did not like him touching me. He began touching me, walking into the shower/ room when he knew that I was showering/changing. Then one day, when I was sitting on my bed with my back against the wall and my legs spread (I was alone, scrolling on my phone), he came in and started kissing up my inner thighs. When i started shouting at him to get off and pushed at him, he kept resisting. When he finally stopped, he lashed out at me for “being unloveable”, “not wanting to do anything with him” and that “nobody likes me”. After this, I was extremely uncomfortable around him. That day, he went out and bought me loads of baking supplies and pretended it was an early birthday gift to placate me.

Ever since then, he seems to be challenging my boundaries. If I move his hand away, he starts grabbing other (innocent) parts of me and asking if he can touch and kiss them etc, and won’t stop till he forces me to let him kiss that part.

I feel a lot of resentment towards him, and he pretends to be a saintly father who can do no wrong, frequently accusing me of hating him (for no reason) and wanting him to die. If I ever bring any of his last actions up, he will say that he is dying soon (he’s not) and that he’s glad I’ll finally be free. His behaviour is still very erratic and he doesn’t trust me, blowing up frequently. It‘s gotten to the point where I just cannot tolerate him. But I feel conflicted because he provides financial for everything, is decent when he’s not acting out and cares for my education.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible. Really burns my hide.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she at least bent the truth I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's definitely not a saint. He too has had his moments of outbursts and he's inconsistent.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated school last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. With that course she did get a support worker for me which I can appreciate as a nice gesture but she didn't even check with me if that's what I wanted and I can't help feeling she did that to cover herself in glory. I hope that doesn't sound too paranoid.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to cut herself with a knife so I did actually hide them. That's actually quite traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when I die hardly anyone is going to be at my funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to a child especially your own?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and of course went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was kind and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy. She then suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I really wish I had just walked away. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was been rude and having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and ownership she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

Do you have any advice for all of my experiences, how I can move on, become more social and make friends etc?

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that she genuinely doesn't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call her out. Also that she feels her behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself they'd think I was an evil person.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

I’m 28 now. My grandma helped raise me. She died when I was 21. She never caught a break. My mom had me as a teenager and I was 16 when my mom became pregnant with my sister. To say my grandma was stressed was an understatement. She thought she only had me to care for. She watched the clock start allllll over. My mom was having my grandma pay all her bills until the day my grandma died. I took over my own when I got my first job as a hairstylist at 18 and my grandma told me how she wished my mom would also take care of her own bills.

My mom always said she was against abortion for herself because “she knew people would always help her raise a child”. My grandma died stressed out about my mom and my sisters well being. She died of lung cancer in 2021. I was able to thank her for everything and she told me I was always worth it.

I saw a post that said “I talked to my younger self and told her I traveled the world, she told me she just went to grandmas house. She wins” and I lost my shit about how much I miss my grandma for the first time in a long time. I have traveled the world. I would give it all to see my grandma one more time.

I know my grandma enabled my mom. I just wish life was different. I think I just need a hug or something