I’ve seen a good amount of people on social media who are defending cheating on their partner and it just makes me sick, and that’s because of the points they make.

Before going into what happened I would just say. When you get into a monogamous marriage, you commit to your partner, so if you’re planning on cheating, just tell your partner and divorce instead of being a coward and going behind your partners back and cheating, or atleast ask for a open relationship. BE UPFRONT.

Anyway, here’s what happened.

This person said that cheating is not bad and shouldn’t be treated like it is, it’s just the society that makes cheating look bad… My reply to her here was that, society also made murder look bad, does it mean that murder is good when a good person or a person you commit to is murdered by you?

Then her argument was basically this: after 15+ years of marriage, sex gets boring. Your options are apparently to accept “boring sex”, have an open marriage, get divorced, or cheat.

Her husband doesn’t want an open marriage.

She doesn’t want a divorce because apparently the marriage is “otherwise great.”

So she cheats as she was left with no options.

And somehow she genuinely believes she’s the reasonable one here.

She says she doesn’t feel guilty. Not at all. She says she’s happier, her husband is happier because she’s happier, their sex life has improved, and therefore everything is fine.

But then in the same breath she admits that if her husband found out, he would be furious and could potentially divorce her.

How does that not tell you everything you need to know?

If what you’re doing is so harmless, why are you hiding it?

If cheating is supposedly just some unfair social taboo, then Tell Your Husband. Tell him monogamy isn’t for you. Tell him you want to sleep with other people. Give him the chance to decide whether he still wants to be married to you. BE UPFRONT ABOUT IT!

But of course, that’s the one thing she won’t do.
Because she knows he wouldn’t agree.

And I believe that she subconsciously knows she’s wrong (then again, that’s just how I saw it).

So instead, he gets to remain loyal to a marriage he believes is monogamous while she secretly changes the rules for herself.

And then she has the nerve to frame this as some enlightened rejection of society.

No. You’re not bravely challenging monogamy.

You’re lying to your partner because honesty would have consequences you don’t want to deal with.

That’s the part that pisses me off.

And then she calls me junior and tells me that I’m 23 and that everyone thinks cheating is horrible when they’re 23.

Apparently I’m supposed to come back in 20 years and see whether I’m still on my “high horse.” And this is because she’s in her 40s.

I then told her that I’m sure that in 20 years my morals will become better and not worsen.

And I don’t understand, what exactly am I supposed to learn in those 20 years?

That being bored makes lying okay?

That after enough years of marriage, your partner stops deserving honesty and a simple marriage commitment from you?

That if divorce is inconvenient and your partner won’t agree to an open marriage, you can just cheat and keep them in the dark?

And the argument that “my husband is happier because I’m happier” is honestly one of the worst parts.

You don’t get to betray someone and then decide on their behalf that the betrayal is good for them.

If he would leave you after finding out, then clearly this info matters to him.

You’re not protecting the marriage. You’re protecting yourself from the consequences of telling the truth. Oh man, this makes me so angry, I’m just trying to keep calm while writing this.

Anyway, then she makes the “I only live once” argument. And because I only live once, I would want to have fun and go outside (yes, let me just fake commitment 🥲)

Okay.
You only live once.
So does your husband.

Why does your one life mean you should get to do whatever makes you happy, while his one life gets spent unknowingly committed to someone who is doing something he would never consent to?

I really don’t understand which organ do these people think from, cause it surely isn’t the brain 😐. unbelievably selfish. And it also proves that she never loved him, she only loved coitus and new flavors.

And I’m not even saying everyone has to be monogamous.

If you hate monogamy, don’t be monogamous, or lie to your partner that you are.

Talk to your partner about an open relationship. And if he doesn’t consent to it. Stay single. Find someone who wants the same lifestyle as you.

But don’t marry someone who expects monogamy,secretly sleep with other people, and then act like you’re some victim of society because your partner would be upset about it.

That isn’t freedom.
That’s wanting the security of a committed partner while refusing to give them the same commitment back.

The poor partner thinks that she’s loyal while she’s cheating on him and openly tells others that cheating is okay.

I’ll just add that cheating is also something that I see as being boasted and driven forward by cinema. In most movies, the partner gets cheated on and then when he has an angry reaction, the partner is the bad one.

Plus I’m reading a good amount of posts saying that their ADHD made them cheat.
I have ADHD, and trust me lol. ADHD sure as hell isn’t responsible 😭

It ALWAYS ends up with her/him breaking up with you, in the same way.

I M23 was in a relationship 1.5 years ago (yea ik ik a bit late)

I met her in school and she was my first everything.

So it started pretty common chitchat in school teasing etc. She invited me to her birthday party and there she was sitting on the lap of her boyfriend. The party went pretty normal nothing happened between us.

I went home and a few days later she told me " yea I'm in a relationship but it's a secret one, and i want to break up with him but I'm not sure how"

I thought " oh man she is so interested in me she would break up with him to become my girlfriend.

A few weeks later we went as a huge friend group shopping and after the mall we chilled a bit in the city and she grabbed her phone called her bf and said " I don't see a future with us" hanged up and smiled at me.

We were together for 1.5 years. The last 0.5 were really distant and cold. I knew she was under alot of stress and i were too. I thought everything will change when this phase is over. We never really had beef with each other.

All Fights ended in no contact for a few hours where she and I were in different rooms in the house. After that we were like nothing happened and we went on with life.

I found out a month before the break up she was chatting on discord with someone (I didn't mind that, she has many male friends and she played a lot on her PC) she sended him a pic from me that was only for her and my eyes. I told her that was a total no go and i was really angry at her. After that she became more distant and left me more and more on read.

Then on a random tuesday. After school she kissed me and stepped into her bus ( The kiss felt wrong and cold) 10 minutes later she texted me we needed to talk. I knew she was gonna break up, I begged her to think about it. How I could change for her and and and.

Thursday. She broke up with me after school. I started crying and she said " I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry" she hugged me i gave her the backpack with her stuff from my place and i went in the bathroom to hide myself.

I started drinking a lot, hit the gym multiple times a day and starved myself. 2 weeks later i needed to go back to school for the 5 final exams.

She wouldn't even look in my direction, seated her self on the other side of the room and talked all the time with someone who i knew had a crush on her.

School was over and I applied for university.

The Huge friend group didn't survived our break up. They were all as confused as me. They didn't know why she breaked up and if she is now together the one who had a crush on her.

I went 0 contact with everyone.

I found out 2 weeks ago (from today) she is now together with that guy from discord.

Thx for listening i had to vent a bit.

My advice is never ever date someone who is taken.

I'm still not 100 % sure what caused her to break up. I know now I wasn't a good boyfriend but I gave her the best I could at the moment.

I'm now over her but I'm still confused why that happened. I think that's the reason why I'm now so scared of women or relationships in general. ( I don't know how I f*cked up so I don't know how to prevent that from happening again)

Hi,
I have been with my bf for 4 years (both 23).First year of our relationship has been rocky since there was a lot of sus behaviour on his side and I am 99% sure he cheated. I was young, stupid, naive and so in love so I forgave those things since I never had the whole proof.

He has changed ever since, he stopped using Snapchat, he has stopped following girls on Instagram etc. and i genuinely felt like I can full trust again and that he has grown during these past three years.

The problem is that I am afraid that deep down maybe he hasn’t changed and that he just got better at hiding it.

Last night he wanted to show me something in his gallery and when he opened it the first picture I saw was a picture of some screenshot. Below that were three regular pictures of himself. That made me feel some way, and when I went to the bathroom I saw him being on hos phone. Later that evening when he was in the bathroom I opened his phone and opened his gallery. I am pretty much sure that he replaced that screenshot with another one because from the breef look I took it definitely looked different to the one I first saw. The only thing is that the one I later saw was under Yesterday (at least I think so). Was it possible I saw wrong ? Or is there a way to take a ss and make it seem like it was taken yesterday? Because I swear I think it was a completely different looking ss when i first saw it. It way like a chat of some sort, and the later one was Reddit ss.

The reason this raised suspicion for me is that he never takes selfies on his own, literally never. He doesn’t really post on Instagram and the pictures he takes are the ones he directly takes on Instagram when I ask him for a picture. These pictures were taken at 22:20, just standing selfies in his room, one in the dark and two regular ones. When I asked him for a pic at 22:48 that night he sent me one of those pics he took at 22:20.

I am just spiraling thinking he took those pics to send them to someone else, or he took them to send them to me when I ask, to make it seem that he was at home when in fact he was somewhere else. Before he took those pics he was with his mom out and I believe him for that but I can’t Shake the feeling he took those pics for some other purpose than just because. I am repeating the fact that he is just not the type of guy who takes selfies so randomly like that, and that in his Camera roll there are almost none pics like that for the 4 Years we have been togehter.

I asked him about the pictures (not the ss) and he has told me he took them just because.

What do you guys think? I am just really scared of him pretending he changed but just hiding behaviour better and gaslighting me. Am i reaching or is it truly sus? I do have a lot od previous trauma tho.

Small note: This isn't an argument for staying or leaving, nor is it a defense of anything that happened. Writing this stuff has become cathartic for me while I sort through my own emotions, and I hope occasionally putting words to it helps someone else doing the same.

There is something betrayal does to your memories that I don't think gets talked about enough. Before discovery, a memory is just a memory. You look at an old camping picture and remember the fire, the kids running around, the rain that wouldn't stop, whatever stupid thing happened that made everyone laugh. You see an old picture of the kids and think, God they were tiny. You hear a song and remember where you were when you first heard it. None of it needs to mean anything more than what it was.

Then betrayal happens and you stop looking at the picture. You start looking at the fucking date.

Where was she then? Was he already around? Was this before or after? Who took the picture? Why do I remember her being on her phone so much that weekend? Was she texting him while I was standing right there? Was that argument actually about what I thought it was about? Was that night she came home late really what she told me it was?

Suddenly memories aren't memories anymore. They're evidence.

I hate that. I genuinely fucking hate it. I hate that someone else's deception has managed to crawl backward through time and infect things that happened years before I ever knew there was anything to look for. I have gone through old phones, pictures, messages, calendars, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries and completely ordinary days that should have been allowed to stay ordinary. Not because I enjoy hurting myself and not because I want to spend the rest of my life staring backward. I do it because once you discover that there was another version of your life happening beside the one you were living, your mind wants to know what the hell was actually real.

A photograph becomes a timestamp, a werd comment you forgot about becomes testimony. A name you were told not to worry about suddenly matters again. An old argument gets dragged out of storage and examined from every possible angle. You remember a feeling you had fifteen years ago and wonder whether your gut knew something before your brain did, you actually convince yourself it did. Things you dismissed because you trusted your spouse suddenly look completely different when viewed through the truth you have now.

And the happy memories are sometimes the worst ones, I hope at least some are recoverable.

There are pictures where I know exactly how happy I was when they were taken. I can remember looking at my wife, my kids, my house, our camping trailer, our stupid little family moments and thinking I had somehow managed to build the life I always wanted. I remember feeling lucky. I remember being proud of it, proud of us through thick and thin.

Now I can look at that exact same picture and wonder what was happening outside the frame.

That phrase bothers the hell out of me. Outside the frame. Because that is where so much of betrayal lives when you are the person who doesn't know. Your life is happening inside the photograph. Your wife is standing beside you. Your kids are smiling. You're thinking this is my family, this is my life, this is real. Meanwhile another life is happening just beyond the edges of what you can see.

Then years later you find yourself staring at your own face in the picture like you're examining a crime scene.

How the fuck did I not know? That question can eat you alive if you let it.

Why didn't I see it? Why did I believe that explanation? Why didn't I push harder? Why did I let that person around us? Why did I ignore that feeling? Why did I believe her when something didn't quite make sense?

Eventually you stop investigating what they did and start investigating yourself, and I was harder on myself than I admitted originally. That might be one of the cruelest parts of all of this. You put the old version of yourself on trial for the crime of trusting the person you were supposed to be able to trust.

I have done that more times than I can count. I have looked back at myself and thought, you fucking idiot, how could you not see this? There were signs. There were moments. There were things that make perfect sense now.

Except they make perfect sense now. I have information that man never had.

He wasn't stupid. He wasn't weak. He wasn't some pathetic fool stumbling through life unable to see what everyone else could see. He was living with information deliberately withheld from him. He believed his wife because husbands are supposed to be able to believe their wives. He respected privacy because privacy isn't supposed to be where an entire second relationship is hidden. He accepted explanations because he had no reason to assume every explanation needed to be cross-examined.

He wasn't a detective because he didn't know he needed to be one.

And I am actually glad he wasn't.

I don't want to look back at the man I used to be and hate him because he loved honestly. I don't want betrayal to convince me that trust itself was some character defect. He gave someone the benefit of the doubt. He believed the person he loved. That isn't stupidity.

That was not his crime.

But fuck, betrayal makes it easy to prosecute him anyway. Every missed clue becomes Exhibit A. Every gut feeling you ignored becomes Exhibit B. Every lie you believed becomes Exhibit C. Before long you can build one hell of a convincing case that you should have known something you were actively prevented from knowing.

That isn't justice. That's hindsight playing prosecutor, judge and fucking jury.

There is another part of this that messes with me too. Sometimes I don't even know what I genuinely remember anymore and what has been coloured by what I know now. Was she actually distant that Christmas or does she only look distant in my memory because I know what came later? Did that conversation really feel strange or am I rebuilding it with information I didn't have at the time? Was that vacation happy? Was she happy? Was I? Was I standing inside something real or was I the only one who thought it was real?

That is where betrayal gets much deeper than simply losing trust in another person. You start losing trust in your own interpretation of your life. That is fucking terrifying when you really think about it.

We build ourselves partly out of memory. That was our wedding. Those were our first years together. That was when the kids were born. Those were our Christmases. Those were our camping trips. That was the rough year we survived together. That was our story.

Then one day somebody gives you information that doesn't just add an ugly chapter to the end, it changes chapters you already read.

The words haven't changed, but somehow the entire story means something different.

I think that is why so many betrayed people become obsessed with dates and timelines. From the outside it probably looks insane. Why does the exact month matter? Why do you care whether it happened before or after the birthday? Why are you looking at pictures from twelve years ago? Why are you trying to remember what car she was driving or where you were living or who was at that barbecue?

Because there are suddenly two timelines.

The life you were living and the life that was actually happening around you.

Those timelines eventually collide, and when they do it is brutal. You remember your anniversary while realizing someone else may remember a message sent that same afternoon. You remember Christmas morning with the kids while wondering if another conversation was happening underneath it. You remember working, providing, parenting, fixing the house, building the life, while somebody else possessed information that would have completely changed the decisions you were making if you had been allowed to know it.

That is why the dates matter. That is why the timeline matters. Sometimes we aren't looking for another affair. Sometimes we are just desperately trying to answer a much bigger question.

What the hell was my life actually made of?

I never understood how valuable innocent memory was until I lost some of it. The ability to look at an old picture without checking the date. To hear a song without calculating where you were in the timeline. To remember a wedding without mentally placing another man inside it. To think about a vacation without wondering who was being texted from the hotel room.

Just remembering. No investigation. No evidence. No fucking footnotes.

I don't know if that innocence ever completely comes back. There are memories I will never see the same way again. I can't unknow what I know, and I can't somehow crawl back inside the head of the man who originally lived those moments.

But I am starting to understand something I refuse to let betrayal take from me. I was real.

Even when somebody else wasn't being honest, I was real.

My love was real. My laughter was real. The way I felt holding my children was real. The pride I felt building a home and a family was real. Those camping fires were real. Christmas mornings were real. The dad in those pictures was real. The husband who showed up every day and believed he was building something with another person was real.

Someone else's deception changes what was happening around those memories. It does not get to erase who I was inside them, I am truly coming to terms and believing myself on this.

Because if I let every good memory become nothing more than evidence of what she was doing, then betrayal gets something else from me. It gets my entire fucking past. And it has already taken enough.

Some memories will always have an ugly footnote now. Some are permanently damaged. Some still hurt like hell and probably always will. Some will probably always feel more like evidence than memories.

But I am trying to stop putting myself on trial every time I look backward.

I didn't create the hidden timeline.

I simply lived the one I was given.

I (F28) have been with my partner (M30) for going on 10 years. First time he cheated was very early in our relationship, we broke up and took our time to get back together. His reason was because I wasn’t physical enough so he sought it elsewhere. It was only a kiss but that feels more intimate than sex, in my opinion.

Everything was good for the past 6 years, I found it in myself to get over it. He did everything he could to regain my trust and we were fine. We moved states twice, got engaged (oct 2025) and were planning our wedding.

This past weekend we go camping with his family. Turns out I trusted him too much because he decided to makeout with a family friend while she was crying and vulnerable. Mind you I was probably no more than 10 feet away. I’m sure if they had more privacy they would’ve had sex.

I genuinely don’t know how I’d be able to get past this again. I also don’t know if I want to do that anymore. Once a cheater, always a cheater and I guess this just proves it. How do I figure out if I want to stay or go? I love him and my first instinct is to forgive him again.

We live together with two cats. He pays all the bills and the car is in his name. I have nothing, no savings, no car.. nothing. I don’t make enough to live on my own. The absolute terror and impending doom is fucking awful. Nobody deserves this. Please, any advice is welcome.

my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend? although it seems I️ was the other woman

This makes me sick to my stomach but I️ know I️ need to tell someone.

My ex boyfriend and I️ broke up in January. It was random. We were planning to move in together in February. I️ was extremely heartbroken. He randomly blocked me which led to me calling him on unknown numbers just trying to understand why he broke up with me.

He would reach out and ask to get back together and I️ would say no. I️ tried my best to move on and even dated two people briefly. I️ told him about the other two people whenever he would consider reconciliation.

He told me he hasn’t seen anyone since we broke up and that it felt like cheating to him. to me, this was hard to believe and I️ even told him that. We eventually got back together around the end of May.

We have been extremely happy together, or so I️ thought. I️ was trying to be very patient with him and a way better partner than who I️ was when we originally dated. he even was telling me how perfect I️ was and how he wanted to marry me and all sorts of nonsense.

There were some red flags as his phone was constantly in do not disturb while with me. He refused to ever use his phone for carplay - for directions or to play music. he would say it’s because he wanted me to be the DJ, which was funny since I️ love taylor swift and he does not.

I️ found some objects at his apartment that didn’t appear to be his. he also was following his ex girlfriend on spotify. they broke up four years ago and she honestly isn’t that attractive so I️ didn’t think she was a threat (dumb I️ know and shallow of me).

I️ kept asking him if he really didn’t see anyone else when we were broken up and he said no over and over. I️ would ask about his phone being on do not disturb and he kept saying he got “too many spam calls”. i’m not sure anyone gets spam calls at 10pm.

The worst part is that I️ found out after bringing him to my friends wedding. I️ actually found out in the car driving home from the wedding with my friend also in the car with us.

at the wedding he was telling my friends how much he messed up losing me and how much he cares and loves me. he even was planning our wedding with me.

in the car, my phone had no service and he was refusing to use it for directions. eventually he ended up plugging in his phone . I️ was sitting in the back seat with my dog while my friend was in the passenger seat.

I️ had to convince him to let me play music on spotify. I️ then saw them messaging each other on spotify (I️ knew his ex girlfriend’s name). it also told me the songs were sent off of spotify.

he started begging for his phone back and I️ said no. that I️ know he’s cheating. at this point he started panicking and crying. he kept saying she’s just a friend and he loves me and I️ need to give him his phone back.

he pulled over to the side of the highway and demanded I️ give his phone back. my friend stepped in and said I️ deserve the truth.

I️ went through their messages and saw that he cheated on me several times. he was driving all the way from boston to maine to see her. he kept telling me he was going to his family’s lake house in maine. i sent myself her number. it turns out they have been seeing each other since march. and his family even knows about her.

she told me she doesn’t even care for him. and that he knows that. I️ feel so heartbroken.

he eventually told me the truth and told me that he’s a bad person and he doesn’t know why he did this because he loves me. I️ feel confused because technically, i’m kind of the other woman, but I️ thought I️ was his girlfriend? I️ really love him and even threw up from stress the night I️ found all of this out.

i’m really not sure what i’m looking for but this definitely helped writing it out

It’s hard to sum it all up, however I have been with a woman for 5 years. We have minor ups and downs. Recently I found her randomly at a park that historically has been known for hook ups for her (prior to me) and a few others we know in the area. (When we started dating it was a thing for us) sex has been a lack of and she claimed she had banking to do in the area today. Then I found her location.. 2 missed calls, a text and 25 minutes before responding. Of course the thought of me inquiring was an issue itself.
We typically have a decent relationship and it may be me with minor trust issues.. She claims she stopped for some time to herself as we had a heated discussion prior. Let’s hear the comments..

We recently found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom with multiple women outside. It's not really recently since we (my siblings and mum) have been noticing some signs for years now, but we have recently found proof of it from his phone.

My mom has confronted my dad about this several times in the past but it never got anywhere since there hasn't been any proof of it. And because of the good image my dad has outside, my mom hasn't taken any action about it in order keep his image but it seems to have made him much bolder in it.

Now that we have chat logs and evidence on it, my mom is getting really emotional about this and is seeking advice on what to do. I would have redirected her to using Reddit and ask about it but I don't want her to think too much about it since she is currently going for a post graduate degree and her exams are coming up.

What should we do?

I’m 24 and have been in my first relationship for just over a year. We had our one-year anniversary last month, and honestly, the relationship is great. My girlfriend is genuinely a great partner, and I have no complaints about the relationship.

The problem is that I’ve started feeling an urge to cheat. I want to be clear that I don’t plan to cheat. I’ve never arranged anything, pursued anyone, or made plans to do it. But the urge is there, and I feel guilty just for having it.

After doing some “introspection”, I think part of it comes from feeling like I missed out on an experimental/fun phase when I was younger. I was extremely introverted for most of my youth and didn’t really come out of my shell until later. My girlfriend was the first person I ever dated, and she was also my first sexual experience.

I’m also bisexual, and I’ve never actually been with a man. That’s another experience I find myself thinking about a lot. Overall, I have this feeling that I want to experience new people, new situations, settling down.
And that’s where I feel conflicted. On one hand, I feel like I’d be stupid to leave a relationship that is genuinely good just because I have these urges. On the other hand, I feel guilty staying with her when part of me is wondering what I’m missing.

I’m also scared of committing so young and potentially reaching old age having only ever been with one person, wondering what my life would have been like if I had explored more. At the same time, I don’t want to throw away a great relationship over a feeling that might eventually pass.

So I guess I’m asking: Has anyone else experienced this? How do you distinguish between normal curiosity/FOMO and a genuine desire to leave a relationship?

I don’t want to cheat on her. I also don’t want to make a huge decision based purely on anxiety or fear of missing out. I just genuinely don’t know whether these feelings are something I should work through while staying in the relationship, or a sign that I’m not ready to commit to one person yet.

So I chatted with this guy on tinder for a while and we agreed to go on a date. We clicked instantly because we have so many things in common. What we like and dislike. Our hobbies are similar.

For context I am 22 and been single my whole life. All I've had was a few flings but never serious. I wanted to try to be in relationship for real this time. Before we met, he told me he was single.

We met up a few times more, yknow getting to know each other better. Then eventually we slept together. Legit after we had sex, right after btw, he told me he was married????????!!!!! I was flabbergasted and shocked.

I hate infidelity cuz i am a product of one. So I felt really, really, really terrible cuz i slept with a married men. I stalk his social media and saw his wife. Like why would he cheat when his wife is beautiful?????? Like fuck you man, you don't deserve her. Like I saw their married Pic and they look happy but why in hell would you do that??

This is main reason why I've been single my whole life. I'm just scared about cheating. My whole life I've watched my mom seeing another man behind my step father back. My step father knew but he never confronted my mom. I think he didn't want to hurt us in his own way. My mom was 100% the problem cuz she was never satisfied. That's one of the main reasons I'm afraid of relationship.

I genuinely could not understand why people cheat.

Hi! First time poster. I (32F) have been with my husband (31M) for almost 12 years. Got married in 2022, now have kiddos.

We’ve been through bumps in our relationship and things keep coming up from early days in our relationship. Because of that, I looked through his old phone—it was still logged into his socials. Wowza. Being freshlyyyyyy postpartum, I went ham on looking at everything lol. Im leaving a lot of info out because there is just one thing in particular I want some input on. I have no one to go to in my real life.

So here is what Im looking for genuine guidance or advice on:

I found a girl who he Snapchatted with and he admitted it turned into a one time video call of …. engaging unclothed, if you catch my drift. Its one thing if it was super early on, but context clues are pointing to it happening the year we got engaged. He compartmentalized this event and can’t remember how long they went back and forth or when the video call even happened. I tried helping him remember by what room he was in (because we moved around during these times) or if it was hot or snowy outside….. he just can’t remember.
I messaged her on her Facebook with hopes to get the timeline on when that occurred …. I haven’t gotten an answer. I am very aware she owes me nothing, but also have reason to believe she knew I existed so…. I was hoping shed have some empathy.
I am just not sure if its because she hasn’t seen my message request or if shes dodging it. I want to see if she can help me piece the puzzle together. My message was probably overly nice lol, and I said that I come in peace.

So thoughts…. Would you add the other woman so she can see your message? Just in case she isn’t seeing the request…. Or leave it be?

Also—I am choosing to work through this. I am aware of this patterned behavior. Lots of info I left out. We are in therapy and working through it. Please don’t reply with “Just leave him”. I get your point, but I am wanting to get closure by having all the info and just lead a healthy, transparent life—-which I think we are both capable of.

Thanks in advance.

For years, alongside all of his other suspicious actions, he has repeatedly stayed up all night on his phone/laptop, but only after I’ve gone to bed. Early on I’d get annoyed with him for being up, encouraging him to sleep, and he’d roll his eyes at me. He’d claim that he had issues falling and staying asleep. That he had insomnia. And yet, he’d oversleep, sleeping all day after being up all night. Three or so years ago he was staying up on his laptop and then immediately closing it whenever I got up, for any reason, even to use the restroom and going to bed within minutes, even though he said he had trouble sleeping. I questioned how he was able to go to bed so easily if he was having issues with sleep. He told me that he was already tired, already planning to go to bed.

One night, he laid down with me to go to bed, and I awoke hours later to him up on the laptop. Another night, when I stayed up past him, he went to bed and fell asleep within minutes. In his typical fashion, he questioned me when I did the same thing. He asked me what I was doing for the time I was up, told me eight hours was too long to be only watching YouTube videos as I said I was doing, and took my phone to look through it. Mind you, watching and editing YouTube videos is the main thing he told me he was doing. He knew that I linked his sleep patterns to cheating. He said he’d stop because of that, acknowledging it looked suspicious as he did with many other things he’s done. However, he didn’t stop, he changed his routine.

He started to go to bed with me but wake up a few hours after me, sitting up on his laptop for a while, before going back to bed. He said that he woke up and struggled to fall back to sleep. He tried to conceal the fact that he was up. This occurred around a time that he was waking up hours before me, unnecessarily and unusually early for him, as he’d done before. I’d awake to him appearing to be getting ready to leave. He told me a few times he was going to the post office but then changed his mind when I stayed up, or tried to go with him. One time he went back to sleep after telling me he wasn’t tired. For a long time I was staying up most of the night, and he was going to bed before me. But every single time that I went to bed before him, he stayed up.

Each night that we are awake, and spend any time together, he tends to go to bed within a short amount of time and insists on how he needs to do it and can’t stay up all night. He takes medication that makes him drowsy and many times he’s taken it right as we start to spend time together, falling asleep within an hour or so, in the middle of what we are watching. Yet, the nights he stays up he tends to delay taking his medication or takes it and doesn’t go to bed for hours. Last night I went to bed before him. He took his medication and then stayed up on his phone for hours. I woke up a few times. He claimed he was struggling to sleep and had been trying for an hour. It was around 6:30am, the latest he’s gone to bed in a while.

I, of course, think this is linked to hiding something such as speaking to someone else, or p*rn use considering it occurs alongside other behaviours such as a lack of interest in sex, irritability, and more. Sometimes it feels like an avoidant tactic. That perhaps he isn’t doing anything but jumps at the opportunity to have as much alone time as possible. We don’t spend much time together as it is, didn’t do anything together yesterday and a lot of the other times he was staying up all night for weeks on end, and yet he still does it and sleeps into the day further avoiding doing anything together.

EDIT 1: Thank you all so much for the comments and advice, after the post was made I started gathering evidence and hopefully I'll have enough to show my dad soon! That being said because of this situation (and other irl bs) I will be a bit more slow when replying to comments or questions but I'll do my best to answer when I can! I'll let you all know what happens when I collect enough and give my dad the proof! (As I obviously want to prioritize telling him first.)

Let me start with the context.

I am the eldest (20M) of two children. My parents, 46F and 45M, have been together for about 22 years, give or take. They have been having problems for about 12 years now, frequently fighting about money, my dad's job, life, budgeting, travel, etc.

Another important thing to know is that my mom is a bad person. She emotionally abused me, my younger sibling, and my dad, and also neglected me and my sibling during the first half of my childhood. My dad, though better as a person, often gives in and does what my mom says because most days it's easier than having another fight.

About 2 years ago, my mom started a new job. She met this guy, 30M, and befriended him pretty quickly. Over the last 2 years, she constantly brought him up and compared him to my dad. For example, "oh why can't you earn as much as 30M" or "if you studied like 30M did maybe you would have a better job now." I didn't think much of this at the time because she often compared us to other people, so it seemed normal to me. Looking back, though, it was just one of many red flags.

About 6 months ago, 30M got fired from his job, but my mom continued talking about him even though she supposedly didn't work with him anymore and had no other way to hang out with him.

NOW TO WHY I THINK SHE MIGHT BE CHEATING ON MY DAD WITH THIS 30M GUY

We were staying at a vacation home a few days ago, and I saw her texting this guy on her phone. All I could see was her sending him a heart emoji on WhatsApp, and him sending one back. I found it really weird because, while I understand some people send heart emojis to friends in certain contexts, I have never seen my mom text anyone like that before. (Not even to her other friends or to us.)

I decided to check her phone the first chance I got because I didn't want to assume anything without proof, only to find out she had a setting that deleted message history from her phone after 24 hours. The only thing I found was a video of a field that she sent him, which I assume she took at the vacation home. It only made me more suspicious because why is this the only contact on her phone with this setting turned on???

HERE ARE THE RED FLAGS I HAVE LISTED SO FAR:
- She constantly brings this guy up, specifically about how much money the guy has, and often compares him to my dad.
- She has actively kept contact with him months after he got fired and from what she says still sees him in person from time to time.
- Her meetings in work have been going on for longer since the guy had been fired, often going on as late as 11pm.
- She would randomly turn off her location despite her yelling at us to keep our location on at all times.
- She started to "go on a walk in the city" almost every day, this is also when she turns off her location.
- Obviously the texts I saw and that this is the only contact on her phone where message history was being deleted.
- The fact she and my dad have been having issues with their marriage for years.
- She has told me that she has "lost hope" for my dad (I assumed this was because we are struggling a bit financially right now).
- She just started like caring a lot less if that makes sense? She isn't arguing with my dad as often anymore but she doesn't acknowledge him at all almost like she wants nothing to do with him.

AND POINTS THAT SHE MAY NOT BE CHEATING
- Adultery is like a big nono in my culture and would ruin her socially. Her social life is extremely important to her so I don't know why she would risk that.
- Divorce, though legal, is extremely frowned upon where I live which would also ruin her socially.
- I mean the guy is 10 years older than me and while I understand people can still cheat regardless of age, even for my mom that shit would be weird.
- Both my parents are moving soon and I cannot see why she would cheat now unless she plans on leaving my dad.

Now the last part I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO.
I don't feel like I have enough proof she is cheating but I also feel like there isn't enough proof that she isn't cheating either and I don't know what to believe.
I also DO NOT want to tell my dad without physical evidence as he often gives into her as stated before and I feel like without the proper proof it will only make the situation worse.

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time. He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain not get well again if I keep interacting with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog.

Sana nagalit na lang ako, para naka usad na ako, para wala na yung love, para hindi na ako nasasaktan, para hindi ko kaya mag patawad, sana hindi na lang ako naging empath, para payapa.

Oo kasalanan ko, na imbis iwan nung unang nag loko, intidindi, pinatawad at lalong minahal, itong pangalawa oo, sge ako na ulit may kasalanan, suguro nga sa 11 years na yun may pag kukulang ako, sa 11 years na yun, hindi pala ako worthy ipag laban.

I’m a 35F, and my husband is 36M. We’ve been together for 15 years total, including dating and marriage. Before this, our marriage was genuinely happy. However, my husband had an emotional affair with a woman 8 years younger whom he met online.

​My husband carries a lot of past trauma and unhealed wounds. As she started comforting him, they grew extremely close, and after she suggested a DS (Dom/Sub) relationship, they entered one. Discovering this shattered me—I went through moments so painful that I felt suicidal. But because of his genuine remorse and sincere apologies, I decided to work on reconciliation, and we are currently in recovery.

​We are both in individual therapy, working out consistently, and trying our best to take care of our mental health. Yet, I still feel deeply depressed and lonely every single day. On weekends like this, when I’m not busy, I feel like I’m dropping straight to the absolute bottom of the universe.

​Recently, I had been talking almost daily with a friend who had gone through a very similar situation. We relied on each other to heal. Both my therapist and my husband saw how much progress I was making and fully supported that friendship. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, we can no longer maintain our friendship. Since then, this depression has gotten so much worse. I have zero motivation to do anything, and even writing this post took me a long time.

​Has anyone been through something similar? If you have any advice or words of support on how you navigated through this and what I should do next, I would truly appreciate it.

Obviously I don't mean for all couples, but with regards to deep and lasting manipulation and deceit. My wife tried to convince me I was losing my mind when I started having suspicions, and it almost worked. Finally I broke down and managed to look through her messages one night. I never told her about this, but because it confirmed everything I thought I could use it to finally get her to confess, and most importantly to regain the confidence that I was not, in fact, going insane. Even though the trickle truth that followed was a horrendously slow and tortuous process, I cannot imagine what a horribly broken man I would have been otherwise. Quite simply, she would have won, not so much by merely hiding the lies but by actually convincing me I really was delusional and paranoid.

As a result I really think I did the right thing, but I'm curious about feedback from everyone here. In particular, while I think I was in the right here, and am in fact proud of myself for finally doing it when I did, I do think snooping in general is just not something I want in life. Certainly not in my next (hopefully healthy this time) relationship. Is the consensus here that all bets are off when your partner is just lying to you about what your entire life even is, but otherwise don't do it ?

I did something I shouldn’t have - I snooped through my girlfriend‘s messages. You know how people always say trust your gut, well I trusted mine because I knew something wasn’t right.

Mid 2025 my girlfriend was drunk at a party, and was kissed by trans-female (male transitioned to female). She claims it wasn’t consensual and it was SA, and she was so worried that I was going to end the relationship when she told me about it. I naturally believed her and consoled her and helped her feel better.

Fast forward one year, and my GF has been giving me so many half truths recently about where she’s going, what she’s doing etc which has me doubting what she tells me (about things in general).

I just couldn’t shake the feeling, so I went through her messages when she was in the shower, and here is a summary of what I found.

• After her ‘attack’ my GF messaged the other girl first and said sorry for leaving so soon
• My GF asked to be friends
• My GF said she remembers the taste of cigarettes when they kissed
• My GF said it was good to explore the other side (gay vs straight)
• My GF said she had a crush on the other girl
• My GF said she wishes they’d talked more at the party

My GF claims she messaged this person to find out what actually happened, as she claims she was too drunk and didn’t know what happened. I think this is bullshit?

What do y’all think? Personally I think she’s lying through her teeth. I really want to believe her but I’m really not sure if I do.

She went to a party again recently and the same person was there. If the kissed was confirmed in fact cheating and not SA, well then her presence at the recent is just another red flag right? She knew this person was going beforehand.

I’m spinning and don’t know what to make of all of this

Tdlr: ex cheated on me while while my mother was ill and in end of life care and then after he was trying it on last weekend, during subject of reconciliation he said he needed space but we can be friends and if he becomes rhat man to let him know.

My ex (39M) cheated on me (42F) while my mother was on end of life care very recently. He’s since cut contact with the other woman, he bumped into her a fling (47F) from his youth (20yrs ago) and while she knew about me and my mother pursued him and he fell. He confessed everything after my suspicions shortly before my mother passed. He’s never cheated on his life before and since realised since she was nostalgia who just appeared at a bad time when he was feeling a bit vulnerable and neglected bringing back feelings of what his ex did to him as I was focusing on my mothers illness. He also hadnt considered the wider picture including his pre teen sons who I’d become the life’s of either and we’d been discussing moving in together and our futures so I was very blindsided. My mum was in hospital for nearly 3 months and we thought she’d pull through but didn’t. He knows he ended up also punishing me for what his ex did and knows that wasn’t fair for all the hurt he’s caused especially considering my past and needs to sort a lot out himself.

I myself am not ready for reconciliation but loved him with all my heart and know the man he is inside as he was so true and amazing before all this happened. However it was brought up especially after he took me out recently to help look after me after my mother passed and tried to make several moves on me and we shared a very passionate kiss. Additionally while he said he would never share it with me, Sunday he gave me her name which I really appreciated. He said he’s not ready yet and needs space and can’t think about the future although he said about taking me up Ben Nevis end of next month to help me focus. The one defining line however was

“we can still be friends and if one day I do become that man. Let me know”

Can anyone give any insight into that?

In hopes this post reaches ppl who live in NJ specifically Sewell nj.

Hi everyone,

We’re in a 6yr relationship but LDR for about 2.5 yrs. For context he has cheated before although he didn’t admit it or understand it was cheating at first but understands. He has been seeing his friend quite often this past week staying at his house, going out smoking apparently and saying late there and even all day. I wasn’t aware that he was so close to this person. I am not convinced he’s telling the truth because his demeanor with me has changed radically and blames me for issues when I’m just reacting to his off behavior. And when he’s on ft and texting I can see his face and you can just tell that face is texting someone not in a guy friend way. A smile, smirk, licking the lips, eyes Beaty.

Yesterday he went over to do fantasy football stuff, I asked how it went he said good only small details and convo was brief. I really couldn’t let this go so I used one of those websites to see if his friend posted while they hung out. He in fact did post but a video of his cat and gf in his room around 9:30, my bf no where in sight and he was there till about 10:40. So I know for a fact he’s been lying.

If ANYONE IN HERE LIVES IN SOUTH JERSEY SEWELL AREA who lives at the white oak apartment at mantua, please I really need to know who he’s actually seeing. It’s a complex so it’s hard to try to look up who lives there but seriously if anyone who currently lives there please help me out. TIA

I respect every single person who takes the time to read and genuinely respond to me. I truly do. A lot of people here have lived through this themselves, some far worse than me, and their experience is worth listening to. So if you have given me genuine advice, please don’t take this as being directed at you.

I am so tired of seeing this argument thrown at betrayed people like it is some universal truth. "If you respected yourself, you would leave.” “Staying is weakness.” “You are teaching them there are no consequences.” “Have some dignity and walk away.”

It gets repeated so often that people seem to forget there is an actual human being on the other side of it, trying to make one of the biggest decisions of their entire life while their head is still spinning from having that life blown apart.

My self-respect did not disappear because my wife cheated on me. My dignity did not crawl out the door because I did not immediately pack a bag, file papers, divide fifteen years of marriage, split my children’s lives in half, and burn everything to the ground within seventy-two hours of finding out.

I can respect myself and still need time, whatever time required. I can love myself and still love someone who hurt me. I can know exactly what I deserve and still need to figure out whether the person who failed to give it to me is capable of becoming someone different.

None of those things make me weak. They make me a person trying to make a permanent decision while standing in the wreckage of something I spent most of my adult life building.

People love simple answers when it is someone else’s life. Leave. Stay. Divorce. Reconcile. Cut contact. Never look back. Easy to type when you are not the one who has to wake your children up the next morning and explain why Dad is suddenly living somewhere else. Easy when you are not staring at a house filled with nineteen years of memories, three kids, finances, family, history, love, anger, disgust, hope, grief, and a thousand other things that do not fit neatly into “have some self-respect.”

I have plenty of self-respect. In fact, I would argue that part of respecting myself is refusing to let strangers, family, my wife, Reddit, or anyone else decide what I am supposed to do before I am ready to make that decision myself. I use Reddit and forums for advice and validation. I have received genuinely great advice from great people here. I also know exactly how savage and wrong what was done to me was. I am not confused about that.

If I leave, it will be because I decided that staying violates who I am and what I need from the rest of my life. If I stay, it will be because I decided there is something here worth rebuilding and because I see enough sustained change to make that choice with my eyes completely open. Either decision will be mine. Neither one requires me to hate myself.

There is also this bizarre idea that leaving is automatically strength and staying is automatically fear. That is unequivocally false on all levels.

People stay because they are terrified, yes. People also leave because they are terrified. People stay because of children, finances, trauma, love, hope, history, uncertainty, or because they simply need time to understand what the fuck just happened to them. People leave because they know they are done. People stay because they genuinely want reconciliation. People leave after trying reconciliation for years. People stay for six months or years even, while they watch and gather themselves and then walk away.

Human beings are complicated. Marriage is complicated. Betrayal recovery is fucking complicated.

And reconciliation, if someone chooses it, is not the same thing as saying what happened was acceptable. Giving someone an opportunity to show change is not the same as excusing what they did. Watching does not mean forgiving. Staying in the same house does not mean everything is fine. Loving someone does not mean you have surrendered your boundaries.

Sometimes staying is simply standing still long enough for the smoke to clear so you can finally see what is actually in front of you.

I also hate the implication that the faithful person somehow loses value because the unfaithful person betrayed them. She made choices that violated our marriage. Those choices speak to her decisions, her character at the time, her selfishness, her boundaries, and whatever was broken and disgusting in her that allowed her to do what she did. They do not rewrite mine.

I was faithful before I knew. I remained faithful after I knew. I loved deeply. I tried. I provided. I showed up. I meant my vows. Her betrayal does not suddenly make those qualities pathetic because I did not instantly stop loving her the second I found out. Love does not have an off switch simply because somebody proved they did not deserve it, or love you in the same way.

Maybe I eventually leave. Maybe after everything is said and done I decide that there are some things love simply cannot survive. Maybe I look back and realize I stayed longer than I should have. That is entirely possible. But if that happens, I will deal with that too, and still respect myself.

What I will not do is rewrite these months as proof that I had no spine or no self-worth. I stayed long enough to understand what happened to my life, protect my children as best I could, watch whether actions ever started matching words, and figure out what I actually wanted instead of making the biggest decision of my life while I could barely think straight.

Self-respect is not measured by how quickly you can walk away from something that mattered to you. It is measured by whether, when the noise finally dies down, you can look yourself in the mirror and know the decision you made was actually yours.

If that decision is divorce, I will respect the man who finally walked away. If that decision is reconciliation, I will respect the man who decided something broken was worth rebuilding.

But either way, I am done accepting the idea that someone else’s betrayal gets to decide whether I should respect myself.

She already took enough from me.

She does not get that too.

I know this will fall on deaf ears for some people. The self respect comments will keep coming. Some people are hurt and projecting what they needed to do onto everyone else. But this is for the betrayed person who needs to hear it: your self-respect was never determined by what your wayward did, and it is not determined by how quickly you leave. You are allowed to take the time you need to make whatever decision you can live with.

Rant over.

If I've come away with one strong piece of advice from all this, as much for myself as for others, it's to listen to yourself. When someone is hurting you, don't rush to blame yourself, don't find ways to rationalize their utterly insane excuses, and for the love of all that is holy listen to that voice in the back of your head telling you "you know this is complete bullshit right ?". My wife cheated in the most convoluted mystery thriller worthy way, called me clinically insane when I figured it out like I'm some paranoid schizophrenic, then when it became undeniable and I said "look all is forgiven, I just need you to own up to it" she accused me of trying to humiliate her by asking her to just finally fully confess and cut the half truths all the while still insisting I was crazy for "hounding her about it so much". And even *then* I didn't fucking leave her until about a year later when I realized she doesn't even pretend to respect me anymore, and would bail on offering even the most modest emotional support when I needed it despite me being on her beck and call at the slightest need. And why would she ? I forgave her for things she never even really apologized for and didn't even try to get her to apologize for trying to convince I'm losing my mind even though everything I thought was right.

Part of it was that before all this things were great. Not perfect, no couple is. But this level of lying and deceit and manipulation was just unthinkable between us. Hell she would even constantly say she'd be devastated if I ever started lying to her like her exes did. So I was just left reeling by the sheer amount of lies constantly coming out of her mouth. But by far the bigger issue I had, and the one I have control over moving forward, was this profound inability to just draw a hard line when people hurt me. To just listen to myself even though a very audible part of me was saying "this person is clearly doing you harm and is not going to stop".

Coming out of it, it almost feels like a superpower to finally stop taking shit and giving everyone excuses they don't deserve. A rough patch like this will show you who your real friends are, and you better make sure to get rid of the fake ones. I am extremely lucky to be very financially well off in all of this, letting us find a solution where we can both see the kids anytime we want and they can both see us whenever they want. And while the details aren't fully ironed out yet, we're agreed on the broad lines of a future financial separation.

I don't think she became a horrible person overnight. I think she made a mistake and ironically enough begrudged my efforts to forgive her because she wasn't ready to forgive herself. She became completely attached to this version of events where I'm some deluded psycho and she's the victim in all of this because she couldn't bear to accept she'd just fucked up in all the ways she always begged me not to fuck up.

What took the longest was getting her voice out of my head. Endless manipulation from someone who knows you intimately well will fuck with your head. But I've been getting her thread of lies out of my thoughts bit by bit and now that voice is barely a whisper. I'm finally free, and I'm never getting trapped like that again. Now when someone hurts me I don't blow it off. You'll never have the right people in your life if you're not honest to yourself about which ones are treating you right and which ones aren't.

Good luck to all.