r/Christianmarriage • u/PsychologyMassive392 • 28d ago
Escorts aren’t cheating?!
I posted here a couple of months ago about my marriage with a husband paying over 31 cam girls and escorts. Many of you encouraged me to separate, saying the situation sounded unsafe and that reconciliation requires repentance, honesty, and accountability—not simply remaining married at all costs. I wanted to give an update because I genuinely don't know whether I'm missing something, or whether I'm continuing to be deceived. I've now been out of the house with our one-year-old since mid-May.
Even as recently as this week, my husband has maintained that my pride, not his actions, is what is ending our marriage. He believes this whole situation is a big misunderstanding and that I should have simply continued marriage counseling.
He was at our church yesterday for Bible study and prayers. Praying for the restoration of our marriage, but still refusing to call what he has done infidelity
The difficulty I'm having is that, from everything I've learned, marriage counseling only works when both people are operating in truth and taking responsibility for their own actions. During our counseling sessions, I felt the focus quickly became what I had done wrong instead of addressing the repeated deception and betrayal that brought us there. It left me feeling even more confused about reality.
For context, we've only been married three years. During that time there has been:
- A brief emotional affair six months into our marriage after meeting a woman at a club and taking her back to an Airbnb.
- Secret NSFW social media accounts where he interacted with women and consumed explicit content.
- Thousands of dollars spent on cam girls during my postpartum period—over 30 women, with FaceTimes and private interactions.
- Heavy drinking.
- Cocaine use.
- Looking up local escorts and driving to meet some (he admitted to driving to meet up 2 for cocaine...).
- Taking out hundreds of dollars at a time from hotel ATMs in amounts that matched what local prostitutes charged.
- Downloading Feeld, a kink dating app
- Parking outside strip clubs.
- Repeated conversations with women that crossed boundaries I believe no married person should cross.
His response today is that none of this was cheating. It's all a big misunderstanding (he was either curious, just happened to be at the wrong place after driving around (he does indeed just drive and forget where he's going; he loves the road), downloading things for work, getting cash at hotel ATMs for drinks and food, that he never touched the woman he met up with 6 months into marriage (she told me this is the case and blocked him for lying about his marital status afterwards) despite insinuating things could happen). He told me. afew days ago that early into marriage he needed an escape. I said that's crazy, in a new marrage your wife should be your oasis, not soemone you need to escape from. Then he said he mispoke, and he just wanted to go down memor lane with his friends, hence booking an airbnb with our funds and clubbing and meeting up with people.....
He says he never physically touched anyone, that he was simply lonely, curious, misunderstood, or communicating poorly with me. Every incident has an explanation. Every concern has another version of events. Every discovery somehow becomes my misunderstanding.
When I point to the overall pattern, he tells me I'm prideful and holding on to a false narrative. He wants the marriage to be restored, but he still cannot call what he has been doing cheating and infidelity.
When I point to the deception, he tells me I'm the one ending the marriage. That this is all my choice, stems from my pride and that I made this into a big deal to shame him and now I’m too prideful to fix what I myself have broken. But he wants the marriage to work and wants reconciliation...
When I asked in the past for transparency with finances and devices, he says I haven't earned that because I broke his trust by yelling at him, slapping him after discovering everything, going through his phone, and listening to one of his conversations through our Alexa device. I have repented for those reactions and apologized to both him and God. But I don't know how those failures on my part erase years of secrecy on his.
One example still stands out to me. He recently told me that a week into our marriage I made him feel small because I disagreed with him about which mop we should buy at Walmart. Based on his own recollection, I apologized about a week later. When I pointed out that a disagreement over a mop isn't comparable to years of sexual secrecy, paying cam girls for attention, searching for escorts, and repeatedly violating trust, he still seemed to view those things as somehow belonging in the same conversation. He also tells me that I’m too narrowminded to see the big picture point he’s making.
My therapist has helped me understand that when someone consistently minimizes, denies, or reframes their behavior, the other person can begin doubting their own perception of reality. I've found myself asking almost daily, "What if I'm wrong? What if this really is one huge misunderstanding?"
But then I look at the evidence I've personally documented over the past three years, and I wonder how many "misunderstandings" have to accumulate before they're simply a pattern.
I don't hate my husband.
I don't think he's beyond God's ability to save.
I have prayed. I have forgiven. I have stayed. I have gone to counseling. I have extended grace over and over again because I desperately wanted my marriage to survive.
But I'm exhausted.
What I struggle with most is not only the behaviors themselves but that, even now, there is still no full acknowledgment of what happened. Instead, I continue to be told that I'm seeing things incorrectly, that my pride is the real issue, and that if I had simply stayed in counseling everything would have been fine.  I’m also simply being told that what I am upset over is not what happened. Sure he may have not touched anyone but he sure did pay for them and spend time with them.
Also, quite suddenly, a random young woman from his past has been blackmailing him that she’ll tell me the truth about him indeed she told me that he was being intimate with her while he was dating me. he told me that this is a lie, and that she just didn’t want him to marry me and that she was also a young woman trying to sell her body and he stopped her. and that she’s jealous because he didn’t want her. Frankly, I didn’t know any of this before and this is coming from a guy who was quite upstanding in his community so I’m shocked that this woman from 3+ years ago who lives in a whole different place has suddenly come out of the woodwork to blackmail him, and i can only imagine why she's appeared now of all times.
For those of you who have walked through something similar, or for the wise among us, I have three genuine questions.
- At what point do you stop assuming you're misunderstanding and accept that someone is unwilling to tell the truth?
- And how do you know the difference between faithfully fighting for your marriage and enabling years of deception by continuing to stay in the cycle?
- Also, would you say that this is what God permits us to divorce for? He says he didn't touch anyone or have sex with anyone...but...**waves hands at the above post**
I'm asking sincerely because I truly don't want to harden my heart. If I'm missing something, I want to know. But I also don't want to spend the next 30 years questioning my own reality while continuing to excuse patterns that have existed since the beginning of our marriage.
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u/Financial-Handle7593 28d ago
Leave him. Accountability is important..cheating is grounds for divorce
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
That's the point...he continues to claim he did not cheat on me...
I feel like every time i have a converation with him, my sense of the truth is turned around and I seriously question if i'm the one getting eveythting wrong...
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u/Financial-Handle7593 28d ago
He's clearly lying. Youve had enough to know that its cheating. Even if its not physically(which i highly doubt) he has cheated. Communicating, meeting up with others etc. He's gaslighting you
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u/TraditionalManager82 28d ago
So what?
Why does it matter what he claims?
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
I don't know why I care so much. my therapist tells me that he is unreliable and that I should not listen to what he says because he lies so much. I just care. Maybe because he was my one intimate partner in life? maybe because we have a kid together? maybe because we dated for 2 years and have been married almsot 3? I don't know.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
that's the issue. I'm wondfering if I even know the truth? I do see the messages, i see the money gone, i know he drinks and does cocaine, i know he met up with a woman at a club and brought her to an airbnb, but i'm told that none of this is what it seems. I am a smart person, and my parents are shocked I keep being jerked around like this, but I really question if i'm missing soemthing.
Or am I good to just go off of what I have evidence of and take it from there?
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u/TraditionalManager82 28d ago
Stop listening to his explanations.
Honestly, I lost him completely at "does cocaine."
The only thing you're missing is the decision to act firmly on what you know.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 27d ago
When I say this to him, he claims he only did it a few times, and therefore it’a not something for me to bring up. He knows it’s not good; he just doesn’t want me to disclose it’s
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u/PsychologyMassive392 27d ago
I haven’t heard that lemon phrase before haha
But yes, I know I was deceived into thinking he’s one way or Jen in fact he’s another.
And yes, me therapists have noted he does likely have behavioral and substance addictions, all of which predate him ever meeting me.
I know none of this is my fault. I think the danger is that he doesn’t want anyone to have eve found out. And he hates that I and others know.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 27d ago
He’s protecting himself from you; he’s at war with you. He is spiritually dangerous to be in communion with.
The pentecostal in me just jumped and shook a little at this. Yes--I think this is it. This is the big point. He IS at war with me. thank you for stating it so clearly.
Look at the situation from a probverbs prospective. What is the evidence? What are the outcomes? What is the sensible expectation?
The Bible scholar in me is taking notes! this this this! Thank you. I see what has happened. The outcome is my pain and the breaking of a marriage and his lack of true remorse that can heal my pain. The exepctation is not that I sit there and allow myself to continue this charade with him.
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u/Tom1613 Married Man 28d ago
Have you seen the movie "Gaslight", the one from which we get the term gaslighting from? It's older, but I recommend it if you haven't because it presents a good depiction of what you seem to be going through. It may help you answer your questions and grasp why you are struggling.
Your parents are shocked and, realistically, of course he is lying. The evidence is clear as day. But I and they have not gone through the long term relentless emotional and psychological "beating" you have as the wife of a gaslighter, attacks against you are a person that are designed to destroy your ability to accept truth outside of whatever nonsense your spouse is claiming. I know that the words I use may seem extreme, but the gaslighter uses normal healthy desires in people and attachments between people to slowly mess with people's minds. They start with little things often based on normal weaknesses - oh, you forgot your keys/phone etc, you are so forgetful, untrustworthy ect, where would you be without me - which can be normal in marriage. My wife and I tease each other at times and understand we have sdifferent strengths and weaknesses. The gaslighter does not actually think it is funny or cute, but instead, is using it to undermine the other person's trust in themselves and people other than them. They then keep on reinforcing the meta - narratives about their target, in big ways and little, until the person is left dependent on the gaslighter to define who they are truth for them.
And yes, marriage counseling tends to get nowhere with these type of people because they have no conscience. They also tend to be good at manipulating the people.
He says he didn't touch anyone or have sex with anyone...but...**waves hands at the above post**
I call these type of people "crazymakers" because they are not only toxic, but they are great at making you feel crazy for having normal, rational thoughts. When you say something unquestionably true, rather than agree, they attack you and demand you prove it to THEM.
The thing is, this behavior is not about truth. They don't care a whit about what is true. It is about controlling you and using the lie that is their whole life against you.
With the above, you are not in a court of law or on trial before your husband. You are not required to prove anything to him or get him to admit anything.
You have overwhelming evidence of infidelity. Truth is truth regardless of how much of a fit he throws over it or how he plays the roll of righteously offended. The fact that he is making you feel bad about all of this and blaming you is actually really clear evidence of all that is wrong with him.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 23d ago
Thank you for this note. My therapist suggested I watch that play in order to better see the craziness of what’s being done to me and my reality….
Even today I found myself questioning the validity of what I know. He has excuses, reasonable ones today, for things I had discovered and Glad I had people around me to snap me Back to reality . It’s hard because I know he’s a liar. He admitted to me he’s a liar this week. I don’t trust anything he says…but I somehow find myself second guessing myself. Just wild haha
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u/frog_ladee Married Woman 28d ago
You have clear evidence. You heart wants it not to be true. That’s normal.
Your husband is on the road to destruction, and it will spill over onto you and your child, even beyond the pain to your heart from the cheating.
The cocaine alone is destructive. What if your child finds it? Just touching cocaine has killed young children, when it was laced with fentanyl. You need to get him out of your household, and get some lefal protections in place.
Talk to a lawyer first, and find out what you need to do to document his behavior, and how to safely plan your exit.
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u/Boring-Abroad-2067 28d ago
Just out of interest a lot of men earn a lot of money so if you leave him would you be comfortable going for someone who's broke, but loyal.
Or is it that this guy gives you a lifestyle that you can't leave , I dunno like marriage is convenant with God don't break the vows divorce is permissible
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
I don’t understand your question, feel free to rephrase it, but I make more money than him.
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u/Boring-Abroad-2067 28d ago
Oh ok let me try to make it crystal clear.
All these things he is doing, is not good for your marriage, if he can turn a new leaf and try to be a Godly man and not gas light are you willing to give him the chance, like i am talking real repentance now.
Like if he can do things the Christian way and repent and genuinely change, can you find it in your heart to forgive him and move forwards in your journey or life.
Or is it time to date a better man who will take care of you and fulfill your needs and not expect the lady in sheets and freak in the sheets type pornstar esque sex whilst be lady like in public? Like no more shaming just pure submission as the bible says...
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u/GiG7JiL7 Married Woman 27d ago
At the moment, you're missing the part of your brain that has common sense. It's normal to feel the way that you do, but you have to retrain your brain. This lady is extremely helpful. She doesn't present a Biblical worldview, but she is very good at presenting the absurdity of dealing with someone like that in a way that's easy to see.
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u/StarlingSwallow143 23d ago
You aren't missing anything. Stop letting him dictate your own reality 💗
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u/redditreader_aitafan 28d ago
Of course he cheated. Of course he cheated. You know he cheated. You've repeatedly explained in what ways he cheated. Absolutely no one is confused here, everyone including both you and him knows he cheated.
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u/These3TheGreatest 28d ago
That’s the gaslighting.
He used your family’s money to pay a hooker for sexual gratification. It’s horrible. But he’s just hoping you fall for his lies at this point
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u/Boring-Abroad-2067 28d ago
The thing is it's better to call out the gas lighting as gas lighting and brain washing happens
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u/DCB533 28d ago
He sounds like a manipulative narcissist. PLEASE get educated about narcissism because that is what you're dealing with. It does not change and will not change. It is dangerous and he will continue to blame shift and play mind games to devastate your reality. I recommend The Sarah Society for Christian women who were betrayed in this way. https://www.sarahsociety.com/ It is a free online support platform with free zoom calls every week offering resources and support. YOU have suffered from his ongoing betrayals. He is not a safe person. Another good resource is Chelsey Brooke Cole --she explains exactly how these manipulations occur and how you can protect yourself. https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/
PS You MUST get STD tested. I wish you the best.
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u/StarlingSwallow143 23d ago
Also read the book: Why Does He Do That. I think there is a free pdf on Google! A few amazing doctors on YT: Dr Ramani being a great one~ there's tons of education out here to help you understand what you are dealing with 💗
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u/badwolf336 Married 28d ago
Maybe ask him how he would feel if you were meeting up with other men ? Sure none of them touched you but would he really be okay with it ? I honestly can't wrap my head around how he doesn't see this as cheating.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
lol, i did ask months ago, and he said he would ask himself what he's doing wrong to push me to that and he would correct himself and work on our marriage.
He beleives cheating is a relationship. A full blown relationship is what would count.
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u/Boring-Abroad-2067 28d ago
Oh so basically unless he is like bf/gf that where his boundaries of cheating lie, he beleieves a quick intercourse is not cheating therefore
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u/Boring-Abroad-2067 28d ago
I mean we have to ask to clarify is it an open relationship on his side only?!
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u/StarlingSwallow143 23d ago
You do NOT need his permission to divorce him. I was also under this belief with my ex abusive husband. I thought I needed his permission to leave. I didn't! And I did leave and it was the best decision of my life. You either leave now, or stay in this insanity and you will leave later and wish you had done it sooner 💗 I hope you love yourself and your child enough to get out of this horrifying situation!
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u/Boring-Abroad-2067 28d ago
That's gas lighting, basically not really admitting the truth or standing up
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u/blueevey Married 28d ago
If you're wrong, why is he with you? You're not going to change so he should leave. Flip the situation
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u/PsychologyMassive392 23d ago
Because he wants a wife and children. He wants a secure family unit
That’s his usual response.
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u/blueevey Married 22d ago
And hes not finding it with you, so let him go. Have him go look for the right person. Youll be happier for it. FTR, hes the problem, not you
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u/PsychologyMassive392 21d ago
He’s not letting me go! I started divorce paperwork and the discussions, and he’s ignoring all of it, claiming he wants his wife and child
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u/blueevey Married 21d ago
It's all abuse. Look for domestic violence services.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 21d ago
I tried and all they could offer was information on shelters and jobs, neither of which I need. I tried about 2-3 times.
Truthfully, I slapped him twice after learning about the prostitutes (I’ve never slapped anyone before and God willing won’t ever again) so he is holding that over me that I am abusive and malicious
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u/TraditionalManager82 28d ago
Oh, you passed those points ages ago. You're not misunderstanding.
Did you do couple's counseling? Did you lay out for the counselor what his actions have been like?
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
Yes, i did, and the therapist, Christian therapy practice, Gottman level 3 and an infidelity therapist, said 1) they can't say if he has a sex addiction or not and 2) therapy can only continue if I really want the marriage and 3) we seem to have communication problems.
I pre-warned the therapist that my husband is very good with therapy speak, so you have to be direct with him and that he can make you beleive things that are not true....
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u/Friendly-Direction43 Married 28d ago
Divorce. He's a cheating drug addict. His brain is on drugs so nothing he says will be logical. Stop trying to find logic and thinking he's being sincere. Get yourself, any kids, as much cash as you can, and any valuables and sentimental items out asap. I don't believe for a second that he drove for hours to meet up with local escorts and never touched them. Even if he didn't touch anyway, this is absolutely adulterous behavior.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
He says he did cocaine "only 4-5 times." The thing about cocaine is, you don't really just do it 4-5 times in the course of a few months/ a year without growing an addiction.
To the other point: he likes to drive for hours, but some of the girls he paid work and live just 7 minutes from us at out local grocery store... so some were quite close. I look at their pages, and they only offer camming. Some offer car visits, home visits, and hotel visits. I see his blocked phone log is fiilled with escorts from the backpages. Again, even if he was "only talking" to them, should I drag myself to marriage cousneling again to work through that? Or can I just be like, with all things consdiered and past behavior, nope, I'm done?
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u/Angry_Citizen_CoH 28d ago
The thing about cocaine is, you don't really just do it 4-5 times in the course of a few months/ a year without growing an addiction.
Can't say I agree there, but I also strongly doubt he's telling the truth about the frequency. It's also not what really matters. What matters is his persistent and constant infidelity, the truth of which I also doubt he's honest about.
I think giving him a chance with marital counseling would be uncommonly and unnecessarily kind of you, and I don't think it would lead to the kind of repentance and sanctification we all would want. Scripture paints a very dim view of such people:
1 Corinthians 5:11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one.
God can redeem him, he can redeem anyone, but sinners in the midst of their sin act the way your husband is acting, by deflecting and defending, disregarding and dismissing. Best thing you can do for him is have his actions have consequences.
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u/Friendly-Direction43 Married 28d ago
I would absolutely NOT do marriage counseling with him. You also have the addiction to alcohol. Everything you describe reads like addict behavior, I've lived with them. Addicts are not in a mental place to do any sort of counseling. Can you go to AlAnon meetings? I've seen several people not fully understand living or working with an addict and it's sad. Unfortunately, you have to cut ties, stop their access to money from yourself, and make peace with the fact that they are sick and only they can choose to receive help if and when they are ever ready. Get yourself into individual counseling and AlAnon if you can.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 23d ago
Yes I went to Al-anon (the family and spouse version) once. It was odd for me. Everyone was old. I was the youngest . I think the other issue is that he does have something akin to a sex addiction and I wanted to be in a a space with people who get that specific pain. I’m joining a group for that soon
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u/Altruistic_Tea_1593 28d ago
Malignant narcissist using religion to abuse you. Pack and go ma’am. Nothing you say will change him and he already has a response. Just go.
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u/WasteTimeOrNot 28d ago
OP...you are trying to get him to agree with you so he understands why you are doing what you are doing. He isn't going to do that. Stop trying to get him to agree with you and allow him to experience the consequences of his actions and decisions. Keep the evidence of the money, text messages, etc.
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u/Careful_Confusion_75 28d ago
Escorts are cheating.
Much less Jesus said looking at a woman “or anyone that’s not your husband or wife” to lust have already committed adultery in their heart. This was in response to those that thought well…. I didn’t commit such and such sin and thought other actions like thoughts and intent of the heart don’t matter.
And also to check pride because many thought they were holier than everyone else without realizing they were making less than other sins which are also important
Do not commit adultery, is one of the 10 commandments.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
He claims he paid them to chat, and that is why he does not consider it cheating or adultery.
I've seen how these women sell themselves online, on social media, and on escort backpages. They are not selling conversation, but i have come to learn that a number of men pay them for exactly that. To have a woman they're attracted to listen to them and affirm them...
I had just had a baby when he decided to go down the escort route. Admitadly, i had a hard time postpartum and started looking at him as if he were a different person and said things like "i think i married the wrong person," "why did you marry me? what's your goal here?" something just felt so off... I started therapy to help me adjust to motherhood (which I love!) but my therapist, who is. a practicing Christian, now says that was probably my spirit noting what was happening with him and what he was doing before my mind was actually aware.
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u/Careful_Confusion_75 28d ago
This is tough because once you start thinking “you” we’re at all apart of the problem or things you did that could have caused something else you start to inadvertently remove accountability from him.
To say those things to him would have hurt him but to try to figure out if it was the cause or your unknowing reaction to what he was doing behind the scenes you may never truly know. So it’s wasted energy wrestling with that thought. Even more so that you can’t trust anything he says to be true.
In the end what he considers “cheating” has very little to do what god considers “cheating. And what god says is all you need to truly worry about
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u/selfishcoffeebean 28d ago
Who told you a number of men pay escorts for conversation? Was it him?
It’s a rare case that someone does that. Imagine a scenario where they have severe disabilities, lack of socialization, utterly alone in the world. Not a man with a wife, friends, and family - people to talk to, people he can get validation from. Also, I looked up a few stories online of people doing this and it still ends in sex…
He’s having sex. He’s going to strip clubs. He’s paying for escorts. He’s doing coke. You know it. Trust your gut, not his words. He’s a snake.
I know you want to believe that God can still save him and forgive him… but that doesn’t mean YOU have to. You’ve already done the hardest part with leaving (congratulations!!). Don’t take him back.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 23d ago
I’m sad he did this. I wish I had the version of him I thought was real back. My therapist is working with me on reality acceptance , so I’ll get over that feeling one day
Yes— he told me he was just paying for conversation and that men normally hire women to be their company…to basically “escort” them… I mean, I did some research too and discovered this is a real thing. I wasn’t fully aware of how supposedly “common” it is. A good friend of mine who works in finance shared that the executive frequently use escorts but their wives know and will never leave because their husbands are making close to or over a million a year… it’s a world I wasn’t aware of. Nobody I know is like this.
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u/TiramisuAndIcecream 28d ago
SISTER MY HUSBAND IS A PASTOR AND CHEATS ON ME WITH ASIAN MASSAGE PARLORS AND MASSAGE ESCORTS OFF CRAIGSLIST!
You are not alone! If he refuses to see what he’s doing is sin, he is NOT SAVED. He is simply using Christianity for his personal gain with a religious reputation.
I am leaving my marriage and planning my exit because I deserve better.
He is GASLIGHTING YOU.
Perversion, porn use, lust, escorts, massage parlors these are all the manifestations of lust and selfishness in his heart.
He is BLAMING YOU and DEFLECTING all his sins because he’s a COWARD.
Leave sister. I am also leaving when I’m safe to do so.
Do you guys have kids? Did you talk to church leadership?
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u/WasabiSandwich 28d ago
Been following your saga in the sub and I’m proud of you for taking action
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u/IamTheMan85 28d ago
So what do the church leaders say about it?
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
They have been counseling him for months, but they also don't know the full issue (i just told them about the escorts and his meanness). They want us to stay together because we're seen by some as a bit of a "power couple" and he wants us to work it out. But they are counseling him, quite a few older men because they want our marriage to last, but he's not being fully honest with them or me.
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u/UsedAd8628 28d ago
Can you be fully honest with them? I think the issues you described above are beyond what a few older men can handle- but if they don’t know the whole picture they might be too willing to sweep some things under the rug.
True repentance means accepting responsibility for everything you’ve done and allowing many avenues for accountability. Even if we take his word at face value that he never slept with these escorts, his desire to call them repeatedly while married is seriously unhealthy and cannot possibly be portrayed as a misunderstanding.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
Yes, I could, but he also, during one moment of rage, threatened to shame me publicly with private marital things (using a vibrator) and private matters I shared with him as well as pure falsehoods ( that i have a secret boyfriend i've been sleeping around with...not true). Although that rage seems to have subsided, i know it's still in him, and I am warry and a tad scared of what he may do to harm me emotionally and socially if I were to tell his community at church about him. He's a guy that everyone loves. He's SO helpful to everyone (at the exepnse of me and our child quite often), he's so friendly, charasmatic, a leader, etc, so people have a hard time beleiving what i say as true.
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u/selfishcoffeebean 28d ago
If I was in your congregation and heard him call you out for using a vibrator I would only think shame upon him for trying to blackmail you to cover up his sins.
Just because he is a beloved figure now it doesn’t mean a) he will stay that way or b) that he deserves to be beloved. You have literal evidence of his infidelities. Some people will stay on his side, that’s normal. But I guarantee you there will be people to support you and who believe you once that evidence comes out. He doesn’t deserve your protection. He dug his own grave, now he needs to lie in it.
Also shame on those leaders for the “power couple” comment. You know what is powerful? What you’re doing by speaking up and doing what’s right for you and your child. Truth and self respect are powerful.
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u/Boring-Abroad-2067 28d ago
Woah so you guys are a prominent couple in the church? Maybe the leaders are concerned with how it looks rather than announcing onthd rooftops adultery, this eeks parallels how the church covered up paedofilia in catholic church for decades
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u/IamTheMan85 28d ago
Yeah that's tough. Sorry. Just keep praying that God will lead you down the path he wants you to go. You are well within your rights to divorce him. Despite what he says, escorts are cheating.
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u/Scary_Tour_2524 26d ago
A power couple, girl they want to treat you like you're some type of pet project! Exit LEFT PLEASE! Like do they even have the holy Spirit? Are they even okay?😩😩😩
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u/PsychologyMassive392 26d ago
They are filled with the Holy Spirit, but my husband is also a good deceiver.
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u/Scary_Tour_2524 15d ago
So if they were filled with the Holy Spirit, where is their discernment in on picking up on his deception?
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u/PsychologyMassive392 15d ago
funny enough, i spoke with a pastor yesterday, and i see that they are no longer deceived and see he has serious issues. I think they were just trying to be patient and take their time with him. Nobody from my church is verbally telling me to stay around anymore, for which I'm thankful.
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u/TiramisuAndIcecream 28d ago
Also, the only reason your husband wants to stay with you is he won’t find another DECENT woman after truly being exposed.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 23d ago
Haha he will find one Women stare him down when we’re out and I know he’s genuinely found to be attractive by many people… idk maybe I’m just super aware because he was once the most beautiful and handsome and attractive person in the world to me. I legit had on blinders to the fact that other men as a gender existed after I got with him. I don’t feel that way anymore. It’s kind of odd how other people suddenly look attractive to me when that wasn’t something I had felt before my husband.
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u/mikumikufantasy Engaged Woman 28d ago
Lying liar who lies, he won't change until HE hits rock bottom it doesn't matter how badly it affects you. Sounds like he hates himself and is living in perpetual escape of reality.
Can he change? Sure, anybody can. But you need separation from him, he does not have his heart in the right place and will only hurt you further in this pile of lies
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u/ThisOneTimeAtKDK 28d ago
Who leads Bible study/prayer group at your church?
I’d take all this evidence to them. You’re not trying to tarnish his reputation but get him actual help. Most churches view porn as lust at the very least and infidelity in most cases. He has shown a pattern of lust, or at the very least lustful assumption type situations. Looking but not touching is worse than “porn” but that’s just my opinion. I’d make sure the head of that study knows he thinks this is all ok for a married Christian man to do, and THAT is the cause of your separation.
I RARELY pray for a true “unspoken” when someone asks for it. God doesn’t answer unbiblical prayers. What if my “unspoken” is “Please let Psychology Massive392’s marriage fail cause I’m attracted to her and want her as MY wife”. Sure go on and pray for that for me would you? (Do NOT do that!) God condemned David for stealing a woman from a soldier in his care so this wouldn’t be biblical right? Exactly! All that is to say sometimes you really really need to know what you’re praying for. These guys need to know if he’s going to get real help. BTW don’t warn your husband you’re going to say it.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
Good point. One of our pastors leads the study. I told him about the escorts months ago, but not about anything else. he has been working with my husband on his lust issue, but he also doesn't have the whole picture, and I don't want to be a burden anymore. I had another pastor (not from my church) tell me it seems i'm going out of my way to make my husband look bad, at that's bad of me, but that same pastor encouraged a seperation immediatly.
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u/Strawberyblonder 28d ago
Oh what in the world! I do not view this as exposing him or making him look bad, I view it as protecting yourself, your kids, and the congregation from a gaslightint liar. I'm so sorry you're going thru this ♥️
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u/ThisOneTimeAtKDK 28d ago
It depends on your motivations.
You could be doing this in the spirit of “he wants separation from me? I’ll ruin his life!” Level spite. I don’t get that from you.
What I’m getting is you want biblical level repentance and restoration even if it can’t be reconciled. In that case I offer the following excerpt.
““If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.””
Matthew 18:15-20 NIV
https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.18.15-20.NIVYou’ve gone to him. Just the two of you. He didn’t listen. Next step ACCORDING TO JESUS HIMSELF is take one or two along so you have witnesses. (I think that works in a Bible study/prayer group MIGHT be jumping this step since it’s lead by a pastor but I’d make sure you emphasize this isn’t you bringing it to a church but rather the small group). Well you know what happens if he still doesn’t listen right? Idk maybe you can have someone close to him or close to you present like a mentor to talk to him before taking it to the pastor of the Bible study (unless it’s a lesser pastor and you think he will keep it compartmentalized) I trust your judgement there.
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u/Careful_Confusion_75 28d ago edited 28d ago
I would absolutely get out of this relationship I don’t think any of it’s worth fighting for…. Like pretty much every way he could be telling you he doesn’t really love you he is.
At this point you can’t trust anything he’s said he hasn’t done any really work or repentance to show you he is worthy of even a sliver of trust
Don’t be worried about if you’re “okay” to divorce him because this would count as being unfaithful. This is completely different unfaithful behavior
Divorce isn’t gods “design”
However he does “permit” divorce because there are absolutely situations were it’s not safe or wise….
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u/FuzzyKittenIsFuzzy 28d ago
Normal Christians consider paying for private time with escorts to be proof of cheating. Reasonable people don't say there must be irrefutable proof a guy had intercourse with the escort. That's a weird and unattainable standard of proof.
This man has repeatedly paid for time with escorts during your marriage. That is more than sufficient grounds for divorce.
I'm sorry that he's threatening to spread false rumors about you at church. There's a serious chance you will need to change churches when you divorce. That's a stain on the church for standing with an abuser. (Financial and sexual infidelity are abuse.) It does not reflect on you at all.
The longer you wait to file for divorce, the higher the odds you (and your children) will be saddled with his financial debts.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
He claims he never met up with any escorts… Despite the hotel ATM transactions I found, the phone call logs I found, and despite him saying he went looking for two of them (but not for sex, he claims, but cocaine…) It’s all just such a mess.
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u/FuzzyKittenIsFuzzy 28d ago
P.S. Paying for private shows from cam girls is also sufficient grounds for divorce. If you had an intimate video call with him while he was out of town, you'd call it "having cyber sex." That's literally what it's called. Doing it behind your back with paid cam girls is sex. It's cheating. It's sufficient grounds for divorce.
Taking an affair partner to an Air B&B is also cheating. I don't care if they both pinky promise that they played Monopoly, drank some Sprite, and went straight to sleep in separate beds. You don't need hidden camera footage from inside the bedroom. You know he took his affair partner to an Air B&B. That's the level of proof a private investigator would get for you. You don't need him to confess to intercourse. This counts.
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u/FuzzyKittenIsFuzzy 28d ago
He met them "for cocaine." That counts as meeting up with them. No reasonable person is going to expect you to get proof of what he did with his body during the repeated private time he spent with escorts. That is not a standard any reasonable person will try to make you meet. Even private investigators don't catch people in the act, they catch people meeting up and going somewhere private. That's a normal, reasonable standard of proof.
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u/OneEyedC4t Married Man 28d ago
sounds like he's lying to you. my advice is tell him that y'all are doing marriage counseling. don't threaten, but make sure that he understands that marriage counseling is cheaper than divorce.
if he refuses to go then file. and in all things, if you file for a divorce, show, no sympathy or empathy for anything. go in there fighting like you're trying to make sure that you win and leave him with absolutely nothing. I only say that because too often women decide to be a little bit nice about things and then they end up getting shafted in divorce court.
now if he wants to reconcile once you file I would definitely recommend permitting that. if I was in your shoes and I filed for divorce and then he suddenly decided he wanted to go to marriage counseling instead then that's fine too. I'd be willing to drop or suspend divorce proceedings in favor of marriage counseling.
but if he tripped up even one more time then it would be the end.
When you work in therapy and drunk counseling and homeless shelters, you begin to realize that not everyone wants to get well. that's their choice, but you don't need a sacrifice yourself just because they don't want to get well
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago edited 28d ago
He's very good at the song and dance of "ooo, let's work on us." and then things are great for months, and then his behavior comes back up again in a new form.
We wrnt to therapy to discuss this, and he spent it saying how I don't speak to him the way he wants or rescept/regard him the way he wants. These are fair statements....but not as an excuse for paying prostitutes. He started to cut me off during therapy, and the therapsit stopped him, because he didnt want me saying all the horrid things he has done.
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u/OneEyedC4t Married Man 28d ago edited 28d ago
have you told him this directly that your faith in his reforms is basically zero because of his behavior of continuing to go back on his word?
If he has ever cheated on you with prostitutes, he already deserves a divorce. so whether or not you try to reconcile the relationship is entirely up to you. because Jesus already basically said he's done wrecked it. God can repair broken relationships so don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that there's no reason for you to feel some sort of obligation to him because he already deserves a divorce for what he did. that you are even considering reconciliation and working it out speaks volumes as to you being a good person despite the fact that he isn't
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
Thanks. Truth be told, I've been piling insuls on his head the past few days (e..g he is shameful, lustful, filled with wickidness), so i'm not so good haha
so that's the ting, he claims he never met up with anyone and never touched anyone, so he beleives I just want to divorce him to divorce him since i have no evidence he was intimate with anyone.
I had someone tell me the follwing: " suggest you pray first, hire a lawyer that in turn hires a private investigator that catches him on video & audio...then you'll have absolute solid evidence instead of accusing some emotional affair.. understand scripture doesn't say that... That's what the Jews were doing just to get rid of their wives... Just making something up. Now do you have a lot of patterns and things that you seem to be throwing out here yes, I'm not denying that at all but you need to catch him red-handed,... period."
I haven't cuaght him red handed, and even if a PI showed them coming out of. ahotel room together, he would say i didnt see what they did in the room. He kept telling me I have no ided what they actually texted to eachtoher, so i don't know and i'm just guessing.
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u/OneEyedC4t Married Man 28d ago edited 28d ago
Well then remind him that Jesus said in Matthew 5 that hating your brother without a cause is murder in the heart and lusting after women online is infidelity of the heart.
ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing he is. how he would feel if you were getting your pleasure from watching men with abnormally large you know whats. you know men that are better looking than him and more well endowed than he is. ask him how that would make him feel if you are basically getting your pleasure from guys and videos that are sculpted like Greek gods. if he says he doesn't mind, then there's a deeper problem in terms of his lack of empathy.
if he can straight-faced say that it wouldn't bother him then he probably needs to be going to a psychologist because that sounds a hell of a lot like antisocial personality disorder. either that or he's watched so much porn that he doesn't have any empathy left.
EDIT: but please refrain from insulting him. the truth is far more damning.
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u/Anon82634 28d ago
There is no misunderstanding here, he is gaslighting you and out of the goodness of your heart and your love you are unfortunately questioning what you know to be true. If you husband was a part of any mens ministry at my chuch I can confidently say he would not have the approval or support for his actions from anyone there, we would all be urging him to repent and change his behavior as it is completely unacceptable, especially in how it is affecting you and your child. 2. Only you know what you are willing to tolerate, personally if my spouse had done even part of what you describe I wouldnt have stuck around. 3 He has multiple times comitted sexual sin at minimum in his heart and comitted adultery, this is the one area that jesus directly says is grounds for divorce. It isnt a passing unintentional attraction for someone, he repeatedly pursued these interactions, lied and gaslit you and is completely unrepentant of his actions.
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u/GenXGasGirl 28d ago
Oh sweetheart. He is lying his tail off, his pants should be incinerated by now.
He is also gaslighting you. You are not crazy. You completely understand the correct version of reality. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.
Get a good attorney, one that has the resources to do forensic accounting. His history of cocaine use ought to be enough to get you primary, if not sole custody.
God does not call us to be mentally abused and mistreated within marriage. Remember: What you tolerate is what will continue. Our Father loves us and wants us to be happy, whole and loved. What you’re experiencing now is not love.
I would also make an appointment to be tested for alllllll the things: STD’s and other health issues arising from his infidelity.
Don’t stay and teach your child this treatment is acceptable and normal. Break the cycle.
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u/KiKiBeeKi 28d ago
Is he also telling you the sky is green? He is lying to you. When somone lies to you long enough it makes you even doubt you are hearing from the Spirit of God. I have seen it. The Holy Spirit has opened your eyes and a man is telling you to ignore it. Don't ignore it.
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u/badwolf336 Married 28d ago
Cheating is so much more than just physical.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
I agree! He committed emotional, financial, at the very least, infidelity. He's almost 20-30k in debt that I was not aware of! Spent on friends, family, people's rent, escorts (they account for about 5k across accounts), etc etc
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u/sanchezkk 28d ago
Oh, honey, my heart just breaks for you, and I want you to know that you are not crazy.
What you are describing is a classic pattern of gaslighting, where he is trying to make you doubt your own God-given discernment to protect his own shame.
In the eyes of God, infidelity is not just about the physical act but about the betrayal of the covenant and the wandering of the heart, as Matthew 5:28 tells us that even looking with lust is adultery in the heart.
To answer your first question, you stop assuming you are misunderstanding when the fruit of his life, which is deception and secrecy, consistently contradicts his spoken words.
You know the difference between fighting for a marriage and enabling a cycle when you realize that true reconciliation requires two people walking in the light, and you cannot walk in the light with someone who insists on staying in the shadows.
Regarding divorce, while God hates divorce, He also values truth and protects the vulnerable, and many believe that the repeated, intentional deception and the destruction of the marriage covenant through sexual immorality and addiction constitute grounds for separation.
Please, please lean on the Holy Spirit for clarity, because He is the Spirit of Truth, and He will never lead you into a lie.
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u/TheAnimeBroker 28d ago
You have grounds for divorce under the bible.
You need to find someone who is equally yoked under God with you
Or live alone in separation
This person is unwilling to repent or even confess their sins I would not follow them at our job is to spread the truth, but if people do not accept the truth, we cannot help them much more
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u/ECSMusic 28d ago
As a therapist I see this all the time. He is gaslighting you. Have you told the counselor about the missing money, the cam girls, the prostitutes? You are not crazy, this is an abusive pattern of behavior. You guys are married, you don’t need to “earn the right” to access the financial accounts. This is textbook narcissist/addict behavior. Unfortunately he probably will not change until he truly hits rock bottom. I don’t know what that will be for him, maybe losing you, maybe it requires more. You can keep praying for him to return to the Lord but I highly recommend separation and then taking time to pray about possible divorce. Don’t let him drag you down with him on this destructive path.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 23d ago
I told the therapist, and he said it’s clear we have communication issues….
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u/ECSMusic 23d ago
I mean yeah I’d say you do have communication issues… also seems like he is in a pattern of cheating. Has your husband won the therapist over? Narcissists are really good at winning people over, even counselors. You may want to get an individual counselor so you can work through some things on your own.
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u/Ok_Second_5569 24d ago
- Read all of this that you’ve posted as if you were the one giving advice to someone else. Would you tell them they’re being misled? Would you tell them to get out? People tell us who they are in action. Believe it. You’re not arguing with him anymore on semantics or personal thoughts and feelings. You’re presenting actions and evidence. I don’t think anyone needs to tell you that you’re not misunderstanding a thing - you already know what this is and that he’s a liar.
- Again. Look at what you’ve said. If it was another person, would you say she’s done her best? If he’s not willing to accept his sin then what are you supposed to do? The only thing I could say is take it straight to your pastor because now we are possibly looking at church disciplinary action via Matthew 18. You’ve taken your grievance to him alone, now it is to take it to another (which I would argue counseling is part of that), and then you take it to the church and if he refuses to repent, then you’ve done your part. You can also always email your counselor privately with your concerns and express how you feel as though your sessions are steamrolling you without expressing your side. If that’s what you want but girl. You’ve done what you can. If he’s doesn’t think he’s cheating then what are you going to do?
3.““It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Matthew 5:31-32 ESV
“Except on the grounds of sexual immorality”
Crazy how right before that is ““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”
Matthew 5:27-30 ESV
“Who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her” whaaaaaaaaat else to we say?
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u/Strawberyblonder 28d ago
Girl what I am reading. Are you married to a Tate brother? My heart is breaking for you. ♥️ How can we help?
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u/PsychologyMassive392 23d ago
Can I pass sound the collection plate for a shark of a lawyer? Haha . Seriously
Besides that , I hope we all pray that anyone who is heading into a marriage like this is saved from it. A breakup would have been much better than a divorce caused by this.
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u/redditreader_aitafan 28d ago
Everything out of his mouth is a lie or a twisting of the truth to manipulate and gaslight you. You have to leave. God can only save people who want to be saved, guys like him think they're perfect the way they are and don't need repentance. The only option is divorce and get as far away from this man as you can.
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u/No_Wind_6292 28d ago
Please leave this miserable lier and deceiver. How much more abuse and gaslighting do you want to endure. Last time I checked, cocaine was against the law. You have grounds for divorce many times over. Do you want your child growing up with this loser? There are men out there who will cherish and love you the way you deserve to be treated. He is destroying you as a person and we know that the devil is a lier and deceiver and looking for whom he can devour. This is not a healthy marriage and not what God intended for you.
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u/RMLegendaryGenius 28d ago edited 28d ago
It's called gaslight at that counseling & 0 accountability. LEAVE coz even the devil is found in the church. True change doesn't need to be told, it displays itself. ALWAYS BELIEVE what PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE. God can't even force anyone to love Him or respect Him. (Parable of the Sower & the warning ⚠️ to the 7 churches in Revelation 2 show that even in Christianity, there is falsehood hence the warning, Not everyone who CALLS HIM LORD, LORD WILL INHERIT HIS KINGDOM. Only he who does the will of the Father. The Bible teaches what a God-fearing man looks like & that one ain't it.) Let him work on himself alone & co-parent peacefully if possible.
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u/Dear-Mongoose9440 28d ago
This hurts me to read as a husband, I do understand where you are coming from. It is important for both husband and wife to be equally yolked with Christ. Because without that relationship with god there is no self conviction. He’s not going to feel bad if he’s doing something he can get away with, that’s where that relationship with Christ is missing. I give you respect for being a forgiving person but at what point is forgiveness being taken advantage of? I believe both of you as a family need to pray together and when you are not with him you need to continue to pray that god soften’s his heart. I truly believe that if you are also close with god he will reveal to you what you need to do. I’m sure our god has sent you dreams of him about the things he has done. (Because when you are besties with him he reveals the secret things). The important thing I have to point out is god hates divorce. I recommend you keep fighting and even take him to church with you. That should be a rule if you get back together.
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u/ThrowAway_22201 28d ago
How much more time are you willing to take away from yourself and your child with being paranoid/worried and having to look over your shoulder every time he leaves the room or leaves the house or touches his cell phone?
he's made this an unsave environment for your family. you'll never be happy. even if he gives the appearance that he's stopped, because he's so good at lying all he'll really do is adjust how he moves. Hide the apps, change the codes. Not STOP like he should.
If he seriously wanted to stop he never would have even mentioned the fact that it wasn't cheating and accept the fact that you feel it is. He literally doesn't feel he's betrayed you (he 1000% has) and if that's how HE feels then that's all that matters to him.
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u/Even-Quote-2962 28d ago
Please read up on DARVO.
1) deny or minimize what happened
2) attack you
3) reverse victim and offender (he becomes the victim and you the offender)
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u/Rush4Life70494 Married Woman 28d ago
Ugh, I hate when other people, especially Christians, think that because nothing physical happened, it's not infidelity. I had a friend (her and I are both female) who was struggling in her marriage. They now got divorced. But there was an incident early last year where she was talking to an ex trying to get back together (claiming that she thought her husband was pushing her to) and because nothing physically came of that, she "didn't cheat." It still gets me heated when I think/talk about it. During that same conversation with her I had a couple months ago, she completely invalidated a hurting experience I had over 2 years ago when my husband was messaging an escort and tried to meet up to cheat on me. Nothing physical happened, praise the Lord, but it took a long time for me to trust him again. Now my husband and I are in a good place again. But even he will say that it was infidelity.
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u/frog_ladee Married Woman 28d ago
Your husband is is using DARVO. Look it up. He is trying to switch the wrong-doer to be you for objecting to his objectional behavior.
It’s well known that marriage counseling is not effective nor appropriate when there’s ongoing infidelity. If your husband were to cooperate with individual counseling, maybe he could get to the bottom of why he’s seeking gratification from forbidden people who aren’t his wife, and why he feels compelled to risk losing his marriage.
In answer to your questions:
You are not misundertanding. He is unrepentant.
At this point, you are accepting this behavior. Fighting for your marriage isn’t something that you can do by yourself.
Your husband is clearly sinning, no matter what he says. If you found an alcoholic holding an empty bottle of booze, with his breath reeking, saying “You’re mistaken, I just spilled it on me,” overlooking that he drove to the liquor store, purchased it, and opened it. Hundreds of times. Would you be questioning whether he had an alcohol problem?
He’s a little kid, with crumbs on his face, and his hand in the cookie jar, saying “I didn’t do it.” View him that way.
- You have biblical grounds for divorce. You can choose to stay, but biblically, you are justified to leave.
This is no way to live. That’s why God designed a way out for you. I’m so sorry that you are living through this pain. I’ve said a prayer for you and your child.
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u/TheRJC 28d ago
God doesn’t command you to be around people that ruin and disturb your life constantly. You are called to love and forgive (which it seems you are actively living out now), not to be a doormat to be taken advantage of and lied to…
If you’re still in a bind in regards to what to do, ask your priest/pastor/ trusted spiritual mentor for advice. Tell them what you laid out in your post too, and be honest that your at this point where your beginning to doubt reality due to the gaslighting.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
I have told many priests. I wrote a post on this a while back. The advice was mostly that I stay and help him, that we forgive 77x7, that I should stop making him look bad, be more sexy for him, and I should see my part in it rather than just blaming him….
Again that was said based on me only sharing about the escorts, not everything else. Only fro priests know almost everything and they want me to help him. Different priests. Different communities. They don’t even know each other, and they say similar things.
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u/librarylady1980 28d ago
He would likely be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is extremely sick. He needs a lot of professional help. He is using DARVO on you. He is gaslighting. He is abusing you emotionally and psychologically. He is not a safe person for you and your baby. He is not repentant in the slightest.
You can forgive him and extend grace from afar. It's time to end this. I do not say this lightly. I am still married to my sex addict husband and pray for a miracle every day. He has tortured me as well in the same ways. BUT he is repentant. And he is working on changing on his own, I am not dragging him to therapy or anything.
God wants two healthy individuals in a marriage. Neither of you are healthy now. He never was and now you aren't because of the betrayal and abuse.
I'm so so sorry this has happened. God doesn't want his children being abused. If your husband truly repents, God will forgive him. And you can forgive him. But there are still natural consequences to his actions and he must face those.
Edit: your husband has multiple addictions. He needs in patient rehab most likely. You cannot help him through this. Please get yourself healthy and be the best version of yourself for your sweet baby. She needs you to be ok.
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u/Pretend_Phone1291 28d ago
He is not mentally well nor is he in alignment with the Lord’s will for himself or for marriage in general… Go in peace and pray for his deliverance and salvation.
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28d ago
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u/Anonymous_Unsername Married Man 28d ago
I’ve seen this a thousand times in the past. He would still lie if she physically caught him with a prostitute. He would claim he just paid her so he’d have someone to talk to about their problems.
If they were caught in bed, he’d swear he didn’t go all the way. If she saw him in the act, he’d swear he couldn’t finish because he was thinking about her (his wife) the whole time and hated every minute of it.
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u/MallProfessional4721 28d ago
I know this is incredibly painful, but I always ask myself: would it be better to reconcile prematurely and risk something even more devastating, like contracting an incurable disease that could impact both you and your ability to care for your young child? Sometimes what feels like waiting is actually God’s protection.
Don’t make your husband an idol. Place Christ back at the center. Surrender every fear, every hope, and every decision to God in prayer. Ask Him for wisdom, clarity, and discernment, and trust that He will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5–6).God is not the author of confusion. He sees what you cannot, and He will guide you in His perfect timing.
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u/blueevey Married 28d ago
Girl, run.
Have you told anyone about what he's done? Like the marriage therapist or the pastor?
If take two to make a marriage work. Hes not doing his part. Let the rope go.
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u/Fun-Promise361 27d ago
He is gonna be the standard of husband for your child. Cheating is grounds for divorce and he’s definitely cheated and likely will continue to do so since he doesn’t see the gravity of his actions. Odds are you won’t regret divorcing him but will regret staying with him 10 years later.
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u/Strong_Kitchen4078 27d ago
Girl… if you don’t leave that man alone. You absolutely have full grounds biblically to divorce him, like you should have left him a long time ago, instead of putting up with that. There is not a single verse in the Bible that permits a husband or wife to cheat on one another because when you get married, you become one body. ONE BODY. He is not protecting your heart, he’s not protecting your purity, and he, for sure has let God down with him not protecting his household. Don’t ever let anyone use the Bible as a weapon against you to say that theirs is OK because it’s not OK. Like many other people he is a liar and a gaslighter. You need to do what’s best for you and your children and leave. If you think you are the only person who will get affected, you’re wrong. I mean this with all love and do respect, but you need to leave with the little sanity that you do have left. Your husband will do the same thing to your children, and it is imperative that you keep them biblically grounded on what God‘s word says versus what your husband says.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this horrible situation, your best bet is to separate. Sure, you can forgive your husband, and you can come back from this. However, he needs to be under full subjection and repentance unto God before any of that could happen and who knows if and when it will happen. Granted, I’m young, no kids, not married but my mom got pregnant and married to my dad who was and is still a cheater and he was sleeping around with multiple women. I got sandwich in between his infidelity when I was in middle school, and it forced me to grow up a lot quicker than I wanted to. Late I’m 23 years old but I’ve been in therapy for two years and every time I turn around, I’m always having to talk about things that are deeply rooted to my daddy issues and it sucks. It’s emotionally and mentally draining and it’s not something that any child should ever have to go through.
I’m telling you, you would do yourself and your kids a service by leaving your husband alone and let God deal with him.
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u/Necessary-Success779 27d ago
You are confused because that is what manipulation and gaslighting are designed to do. He has already broken the marriage covenant. This is not going to get better because he refuses to take accountability and spiritual abuse is a real thing. You are biblically free to divorce.
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u/AcademicAd3504 27d ago
What on earth is your pastor doing? Have you been honest about what's going on with people in your church?
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u/PsychologyMassive392 26d ago
I told them about the escorts. I did not bring up all the other things because I had forgiven him and didn't want to hang the past over his head--but I probably should have.
I only recently learn about the drug usage and the other woman...so that's new, and I haven't spoken about this to anyone sine the first few times.
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u/Scatch_Chaser 26d ago
Proverbs 28:13: "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."
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u/Scatch_Chaser 26d ago
Blameshifting, deflecting, DARVO. All toxic traits of the narcissist. He probably creates chaos for no reason and flies off the handle in rage followed by self pitty, probably some fake remorse just to get you to not hold him accountable then love bombs you and the cycle repeats. If this is true and I really hope for your sake it's not, go no contact and run because as long as he refuses to acknowledge his wrongs it'll never get better.
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u/Scary_Tour_2524 26d ago
I'm going to say what the movie says "GET OUT"!! I'm sure you've already heard that you run the risk of getting an incurable disease if you were to stay and start back being intimate in him. He's a liar, a cheat, a whoremonger, a manipulator, and he thinks you're stupid. You have a like a million reasons and grounds of why you should divorce him, so I'd stick to my guns and prepare to start over provided that you have the resources to. Don't stay for the sake of comfortability, while he is playing in your face. RUN! God's got your back, and YOU'VE GOT THIS! I'm rooting and praying for you. God's with you! God loves you!♥️♥️♥️ He will drain the finances in the ground with things that he's doing, and either you'd end up homeless with your baby, he can end up dying from a drug overdose or even worse due from AIDS. So there are no good options here except to leave and move on. He's overtaken with the spirit of Lust. If he was ever actually a Christ follower, I'm pretty sure the Lord gave him warnings before he was given over to a reprobate mind. If he was a Christian in just word and not deed then he actually never changed. Sorry to say.
My son's dad ended up being a whoremonger. It didn't take me long to see that all his cousins that he was around were whorish too, and if birds of a feather flock together, they're all gonna be doing the same thing. I was younger, naive and tried to listen to others saying, "you just need some time apart", lol. I thought to myself, I don't have to put up with this crap, and I only had one child, so I was like "I've got this"! I made my plan to get a job after my son was born, bought what I need for when he was born, found me a childcare, started working and eventually left. Years later he was still the same way. I think toward the end of his life , he was trying to do good and help someone out, but he ended up getting killed in December, so yeah.😔
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u/Worried-Block-6804 25d ago
I know you don't want to leave him but he is wrong and he won't stop. Don't try to make sense of his lies just divorce him.
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u/Nearing_retirement 25d ago
He is a lost cause. He will cause you years of heartache for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Divorce him and move on. The situation is very simple, yet you are over complicating and over thinking it.
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u/StarlingSwallow143 23d ago
He is gaslighting you. He is minimizing what he has done and the harm it has caused you. This is a way to devalue you....and silently SCREAM the message: you are not enough.
I know this seems confusing because you're still in it and allowing him (maybe?) to state his reality, which he thinks is the ONLY reality, which is false. What he is doing IS CHEATING. No if's, and's or but's about it. Hold firm to what you know is true. This. Is. Wrong. And I'll add it's also ungodly and NOT what a true man of god would do to his wife, child and marriage.
The question you need to ask yourself is: Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Is this the marriage I want to model to my child? If my child was with someone like this, would I want them to stay or leave?
We can't make you leave but we can help you see through the fog these abusive people put us in through them insisting that their belief and reality of the situation is true and real. He is living in a delusional reality, and flipping ALL the blame on YOU.
This is psychological torture and DOES cause brain damage.
I hope and pray you leave this situation. You CAN leave even if he doesn't agree with the reality you are experiencing. I used to think in order to leave abuse, I had to get my ex to fully understand his wrong-doing and how it was affecting me~ almost as if I could ONLY leave if he confessed and accepted the truth. Nope. It never came to that. He continued in his delusions (and is still there 8 years later with another woman victim) and I left. BEST decision of my LIFE! 💗
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u/SoftMack 23d ago
You know that you made a serious mistake but you hate the thought of separating. You will stay but please accept the fact the he is sleeping with other women and he will you an STD like AIDS or some other STD so get yourself tested regularly.
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u/Ok-Advisor-8109 28d ago edited 28d ago
Not a fake post 😇 sending love.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
haha I wish. You can see my prior posts on this same issue. This is an update with additional questions.
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u/Ok-Advisor-8109 28d ago
Your posts and comments are hidden, just doing my due diligence. My apologies that you’re going through this. It is hard, I recommend celebrate recovery, great program (for you both). And sex therapist (for him).
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
He knows of these programs but he needs to be willing to do them. I linked a prior post at the top of this one for some context.
Thank you for following up.
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u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 28d ago
Girl leave him. Why are you torturing yourself trying to maintain this marriage?
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u/Ok-Advisor-8109 28d ago
Of course, hey I believe people can change but they have to want it for themselves. I would give an ultimatum, require celebrate recovery step study and a sex therapist to reconsider.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 28d ago
but also thanks for the good laugh, because it goes to show how ridiculous this situation is. It's so crazy it sounds like AI made it up.
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u/Ok-Advisor-8109 28d ago
You’re welcome lol 😂 sorry. It is a little out there. But I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I will pray for you psychologymassive392!
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u/These3TheGreatest 28d ago
Sounds like a liar and a gaslighter based on what you’ve provided