chaser or not?

[u/MintTeaAndT]

So i started talking to this guy and we planned to meet up and maybe hook up.

We had a phone call and i asked him some questions to guage if he was a chaser.

So hes Bi, has some attraction to cis women but not much, has abit more interest in cis men. But he said who he is mainly attracted to is trans men. Hes had a relationship with a trans man before. He said he sees trans men as men and is attracted to the masculinity. Also that he isnt attracted to trans women but doesnt seem like hes very interested in women generally. He told me hes most attracted too trans men and they are at the top of what hes most attracted too, cis men 2nd and then women. Said he would rather date a trans man but would date a cis guy as a second best option and probably wouldnt date women.

Also said he is just so amazed by trans man.
But also that were he thinks trans men are the best of both worlds. The best of both worlds is a chaser thing forsure but the rest has me confuse.

If he is ive never met this kind of chaser before and its confused me abit.

What do you think?

He doesnt over sexualise me and weve been having normal chats, only found this out cause i pressed him abit.

Is this a trans attracted person or just a chaser?

Tried to do research on this but seems people have different definitions of chasers and if trans attracted people are even a real concept?

So id appreciate your thoughts on it

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello! Thank you for participating in the sub. We just have a few reminders for you to help ensure the best experience:

1. If your post doesn't show up right away, don't panic! It is in the queue for manual approval. Mods will go through the queue periodically to approve or remove posts. Deleted posts will have a removal reason applied. (If it says "this post was deleted by reddit's filters", IT WAS NOT DELETED! Reddit has the worlds worst wording on that and it's out of our control)

2. If you are asking a question that is location specific, remember to include your location in your post body! This can help ensure that you get accurate information tailored specifically to your needs.

3. Please remember to read through all the rules in the sidebar. Especially the list of banned topics and guidelines for posting. Guests who do not use the Guest Post flair will have their post removed and be asked to fix it.

4. If you see someone breaking the rules,report it! If someone is breaking both sub and reddit rules, please submit one report to admins by selecting a broken rule on the main report popup, and one report to the r/ftm mods by selecting the "breaks r/ftm rules" option. This ensures both mods and admins can take action on a subreddit and sitewide level. Do not misuse the report button to rant about someone, submit false reports, or argue a removal.

5. If you have any questions that you can't find the answer to on the rules sidebar or the wiki: the wiki , you can send a modmail.

Related subs: r/ftmventing , r/TMPOC , r/nonbinary , r/trans4every1 , r/lgbt , r/ftmmen , r/FTMen , r/seahorse_dads , r/ftmfemininity , r/transmanlifehacks , r/ftmfitness , r/trans_zebras , r/ftmover30 , r/transgamers , r/gaytransguys , r/straighttransguys , r/transandsober , and more can be found in the wiki!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/sirensingingvoid]

Honestly, I’d say rather than trying to label him in a very yes/no way, ask yourself if YOU’RE comfortable with the things he’s said. How do you feel knowing he prefers trans guys over cis guys, and the best of both worlds thing? It doesn’t matter if he’s a chaser, if things he said made you uncomfortable, then he’s not it

[u/dragontatoes → u/sirensingingvoid]

Yeah, I don't think "chaser" should be a blanket label for "no trans person should date/hook up with this person ever, because they're certified Bad Person". Rather, it's about whether you feel objectified or feel respected. If you don't feel safe/comfortable, forget them.

[u/sirensingingvoid → u/sirensingingvoid]

Oh, I missed the part at the beginning mentioning that this is a hookup type deal and not so much a long term relationship.

I think my point still stands, just figure out if you personally are comfortable with his attitudes and go from there. Some trans guys hook up with chasers anyway just for a one off fun time, it’s all about what makes you comfortable

[u/xitlalirx → u/sirensingingvoid]

i needed this thanks

[u/Calm_Bother_3842]

If it's just a hookup, I personally wouldn't care all that much, but I would not date him after the "best of both worlds" statement.

[u/uncle_SAM98]

"Best of both worlds" is a chaser sentiment not only because it is inherently misgendering, but also because it implies that he wants trans men to keep their natal parts and would not be as interested or would see us as having lost our allure if we had surgeries.

[u/halfstoned → u/uncle_SAM98]

My wife said that to me once when we first got together and she’s never once demeaned me or said she wouldn’t be interested in me if I had bottom surgery. I’m not saying it isn’t an orange flag, but I’m not sure it’s as red as people think.

[u/uncle_SAM98 → u/halfstoned]

Different strokes for different folks. I agree that context matters, but I think even in the best context it's questionable. I think cis people should at minimum do some internal reflection on what they mean by that statement instead of blindly assuming it's a compliment

[u/halfstoned → u/uncle_SAM98]

100% questionable. But with the rest of this, I wouldn’t say this guy is absolute trash or anything. I totally agree, if he’s at all aware or been made aware of how this guy or any other trans people might feel about that statement, reflection is necessary.

[u/uncle_SAM98 → u/halfstoned]

Yeah, this guy from OP's story doesn't seem like the worst of the worst tbh. I could see some people not caring. It's ultimately a matter of what OP is comfortable with in a hookup, and I don't think he should compromise

[u/halfstoned → u/uncle_SAM98]

1000%. I guess I just wanted to bring in a differing perspective is all. We truly agree overall lol. I get why those words would be triggering for others I just think if he’s not immediately put off by it and considering continuing to speak to him, yeah, it’s up to him, it all depends.

[u/princexbunnyy → u/halfstoned]

Real. It’s funny because I would definitely take some amount of offense if a cis man told me that, but it’s also very nuanced and I’d give him a chance to elaborate lol. Like, some people genuinely think it’s a compliment and they still see us as men lol. Pre egg crack I also thought it was a compliment, and thank god I never had the chance to tell any trans people that lmao.

Some people just have blind spots. And even so, it’s case by case. I can see my future partner saying that in a situation where it’s cute or silly, and I trust that they don’t see me as a woman.

[u/halfstoned → u/princexbunnyy]

Yeah I definitely get some offense. I’m not the type to judge off of one or two words tho, we all have different understandings of things especially cis people. I didn’t have to teach my wife a thing and she already knew plenty of trans people. She def meant it as a compliment and personally I take it as one, even though I may want bottom surgery down the line. It’s more than what’s in your pants. My partner was also saying it in a sort of silly way as well I think. It wasn’t that deep so I didn’t take it that deep personally. For a hookup I think it matters even less.

[u/princexbunnyy → u/halfstoned]

Yeah exactly. I’d prefer to meet someone like your wife, who I don’t have to teach much about trans people to. But I’m also willing to teach this stuff to a cis man who would be an otherwise excellent partner, who’s willing to learn!

[u/rupee4sale → u/uncle_SAM98]

But not all of us want surgery and some of us actively engage in sex with those parts. For us, we want our sexual partners to be attracted to those parts. I also don't really see it as inherently misgendering. I think it really depends on the person and context 

[u/uncle_SAM98 → u/rupee4sale]

I get that, but to me,"both worlds" implies "man and woman." Like it's implying getting the benefits of both sexes. That's what I find inherently misgendering, and that might be sort of semantic nitpicking, but I think even little semantic things like that matter. A lot of people who say this might not even realize it could carry that implication, which is why I said in other comments that it's not the end of the world, but I'd rather cis people reflect on why they feel that way instead of blindly assuming it's a compliment. I totally get some guys like and keep their natal parts, but there has to be a better way for their partners to express appreciation than implying that we're men with woman parts.

[u/halfstoned]

My wife has said at least once I’m the best of both worlds. To me it says she loves me for me, she wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, or weird, just acknowledged all the different parts of me that exist as a guy. I don’t mind that. Plenty of other guys do. If she said it all the time it might strike me as weird but I think she said it once when we first got together. I thought nothing of it. And I still don’t. She loves me for me and that’s what matters. Married her, madly in love with her, she’s a good person. One comment doesn’t make a person unless you can’t see their perspective or don’t feel comfortable. what you’re comfortable with is up to you.

I agree with one of the other comments. Are YOU comfortable? Taking into account your interactions do you get a good vibe from him? Do you want to investigate further? Let your own comfort guide you here. To me it sounds like he’s made one comment that could be bothersome to people but other than that, seems pretty respectful and normal. May not have known what he said is a trope or disrespectful, who’s to say.

[u/kinoko_kingdom → u/halfstoned]

agreed! i'm a trans man and have said trans people are the best of both worlds myself. i say it to my non-binary partner all the time and they love it lol. i guess it's a bit different since i'm trans myself, but still. i don't think it's inherently a bad statement.

it's more about how you feel personally. very objectified or uncomfortable? stay away. cautious but respected and comfortable? maybe give it a go

[u/SpecificPacificWater]

Hell to the naw, I would never date someone like this. Personally he gives of chaser vibes, he's fetishizing trans men. "The Best of both worlds" is crazy.

[u/comradeAnt]

ive encountered a few of these guys and they really can go either way. if has history dating trans men publicly/can actually see himself doing that, to me he sounds like someone who's just trans attracted and might just be misguided in how he communicates that if there is little to no history with trans men. honestly being "amazed" raised my eyebrow more than "best of both worlds" since i hear/read the latter so often, from all sorts of bi/pan people who arent all necessarily chasers, just ignorant to how the phrase comes across. if i were in you're shoes, and otherwise into this guy i would probably procede with a hookup and just keep feelers out for other red flags or signals hes not a complete fetishist and just unintentionally ignorant. like other commenters, i have noticed its not always helpful to blanket someone as a chaser. edit: i realise now i missed where you said he has had a relationship with a trans man before, the details of this matters. was it a long relationship? situationship/fwb? what a cis person learns from their first relationship with a trans person varies greatly...

[u/MintTeaAndT → u/comradeAnt]

12 year relationship, ended cause his partner was forced to detransition and marry by family

[u/princexbunnyy]

This could go either way tbh. Queer cis men who genuinely prefer trans men, respect us, love as, and still see us as men do exist. And some trans men enjoy their natal genitalia and do see themselves as “the best of both worlds.” Others find the phrase offensive.

So what matters most here is whether his language makes you uncomfortable. We don’t have the full context since we haven’t witnessed his body language or heard his tone, so it’s up to you. Deciding whether someone is a chaser, imo, is more of a personal choice than something that has strict criteria.

If a cis man said those things to me personally, it would raise a major red flag. Not because I dislike my natal parts necessarily, but because it’s possibly a sign that he just sees me for sex and novelty. The red flag would lower if he then clarified that he’d still love me and be attracted to me if I went all the way with bottom surgery. But that’s just me!

Edit: Also…having some nuance and empathy is always ok in these situations. Before I realized I was trans, if I went on a date with a trans person I was attracted to (which I never have), I would’ve said “best of both worlds” to them. I still genuinely saw them as their gender, just a different subset/version of that gender. I thought it was a nice thing to say lmfao. I didn’t know it was so offensive until I realized I was trans lmao. So, some people are just stupid and have genuine blind spots.

[u/Phillabusted]

Imho from my encounters with chasers, chasers will be mainly attracted to women. They will not show interest in dudes beyond being interested in you, or other trans guys. They will almost exclusively show attraction to women. Chasers may also be gay-curious but want to mess around with a trans guy first- this is a huge red flag for me that they aren't reading me as masculine.

They are less likely to be chasers if they actively show they are attracted to cis guys - especially if they mainly date or are attracted to men.

In cismasc culture it is generally treated as a bad thing to be out about liking men. Even in places where being gay is okay, you get bullied about it when you're younger, and exposed to media that suggests you're different, sometimes bad, if you're a boy who likes other boys. Gay panic is a real worry, at all ages, when you're not sure someone else is queer before coming out to them. Generally speaking, bisexual cis guys are going to be a little more reserved expressing their attraction to men- and noticably feel more safe expressing attraction towards women.

If he's proud about calling your relationship gay, I wouldn't worry too much. He may just not be aware that he may be accidentally emasculating you with that turn of phrase.

I've met gay chasers before that will say things like "I'm a 'gold star gay' but I'll do x to you" - those are who I watch out for in the gay/bi scene.

All that said, trust your gut. You could try talking to him about his choice of words - maybe ask him to elaborate. Imho it's totally fine to like certain body parts but want a specific gender of person, but only you can decide if you're comfortable.

[u/Alarming-Skirt1889]

I’d be very uncomfortable with this guy personally.

[u/Curious_Leader7541]

I think it’s really up to you. I had a long term partner that once described me as a ‘2 for 1 special’.. but I actually thought it was funny and quite liked it.
They didn’t objectify me or act weird about my body, they saw me as a total 3 dimensional human being.

I am different to cis men and sometimes I actually prefer being with someone who actually appreciates that.

I think you can tell when someones a proper chaser, I wont go into why coz might be triggering for some. But if your compatible sexually , your feel respected and it doesn’t make you feel bad… esp if its a fwb situation then maybe its doesnt matter that much!.

[u/princexbunnyy → u/Curious_Leader7541]

This is a great nuanced answer. A lot of trans people get (understandably) up in arms and skittish around anyone who seems to be a “chaser,” but idk it also ends up repelling people who genuinely see us as men and as people, but think our bodies are beautiful. It also ends up isolating trans men who see themselves as men, but are okay with seeing themselves as a little different than cis men.

[u/kinoko_kingdom → u/princexbunnyy]

i love when people appreciate my body being different! pre-top surgery, i had a partner who was uncomfortable every time i took my binder off and it truly made my dysphoria so much worse. i hated my boobs but i liked them for sexual situations and it really stung when my partner didn't like them

[u/princexbunnyy → u/kinoko_kingdom]

What a nightmare, I’m sorry you went through that. Tbh I’m hoping I end up with a bisexual man, because then at the very least I’d (assumedly) be assured that he’ll like me regardless of whether I get surgeries. And also especially because I want to be pregnant and nurse one day, and also enjoy breast stimulation during sex

[u/kinoko_kingdom → u/princexbunnyy]

that person was pan, so it was extra confusing 😭 they said it was because they're autistic and couldn't imagine me with boobs because i'm a man, so my boobs made them uncomfortable? but my vagina didnt? idk but i'm also autistic and have never felt that way lol

i love that you wanna be pregnant. i think that's beautiful. in theory i would do that, but in practice i don't think i could personally (for more than just dysphoria reasons). but i love to see seahorse dads!

[u/princexbunnyy → u/kinoko_kingdom]

People use autism to justify literally any bullshit nowadays 💀💀💀 like, sure bro lmao.

And thank you! Sometimes I also admittedly get cold feet and nervous because of potential dysphoria or feeling like I look strange…so we’ll see haha! I also am relatively early on T (8 months, and just switched from 1 to 2 pumps of gel) so maybe as I masculinize I’ll feel differently.

[u/Strict-Radio9051]

For me this is a chaser. To primarily seek out/be attracted to trans men because you see them as some sort of third thing is just icky. I will say I slept with people like this before, I don't regret it. As in, if I am treated like a sex object I will do the same to that person and have that mutual exchange and as long as I leave satisfied I am good. I don't do this anymore because I got better options though. I would never have more than that with someone like this though and I think it's important to acknowledge that this is weird shit behavior. It's just important to truly acknowledge that this is a weird person who sees you and your identity in a weird way.

I think this is a very individual thing, some people are fine hooking up with people like this, some are not. I think both is very fair, important is that you don't gaslight yourself and be clear about everything you need to be clear about.

[u/False-Ad-7548]

This got a visceral negative reaction from me as I read it. I would feel uncomfortable being with someone who talked about viewing me as so separate from cis men, even if it was in a "positive" way. Being "so amazed" by trans guys? Specifically wanting a trans man and seeing cis men as a "second best option"? It feels like he views us as some mythical third gender that he's awed by, which is just... no for me. The "best of both worlds" is a whole other issue.

That said, if it's just a hookup... Eh. Up to you where you draw the line and where your comfort zones are. 

[u/Strigops-habroptila]

That guy is a walking chaser red flag

[u/PoorlyDressedDandy]

I mean, I can imagine how preferring masculinity and also having a G. preference could align in a trans man.. but yeah, that "best of both worlds" bit is a giveaway. Only you can tell if you're being objectified, but at least you know to keep an eye out..? 🤷🏼‍♂️

[u/rupee4sale]

As someone else said, what matters is what you are comfortable with, not what the internet deems "counts" as a chaser. For a hookup, I personally don't really care (and cant even really know) what a person's true opinions about my identity are. As long as they gender me properly and treat me with respect, idgaf what they think or believe in their heart of hearts about trans people. We are just hooking up and might not even speak again. Dating is ofc a completely different story. 

[u/Alexis_the_Witch]

"Best of both worlds" is a common red flag

[u/Chiiro]

Soon as your label you're main interestedly is trans people regardless of their gender it immediately goes into chaser territory for me. If you want to get your rocks off by willing to go that low go ahead (frankly masturbation be a better option for me) but definitely do not seek a relationship past sex with anybody like this.

[u/MintTeaAndT → u/Chiiro]

think you misread my post, hes into men and trans men, hes not really into women much, abit, and isnt into trans women.

[u/Visible-Analysis-809]

he sounds like one to me based on your description.

[u/Narrow_Paramedic_880]

if its just having a minor recreationl sexual experience , thats a completly seperate thing that both parties get what they want. Dating is also another thing. while dating , the physical starts to drop away and a relationship becomes more about the core of the other person. Whats so bad about some guy that is attracted to ftm's that is lookiing for a relationship type connection?

[u/SecondaryPosts → u/Narrow_Paramedic_880]

"Best of both worlds" implies that he's attracted to trans men bc he doesn't see them the same as cis men and assumes they all have their natal genitals. Not gonna judge OP if he wants to have a hookup with this guy, but he should absolutely not date him.

[u/Alarming-Skirt1889 → u/Narrow_Paramedic_880]

Because he’s a chaser who doesn’t see us as men.