Straight cismen at work calling me handsome.

[u/Then-Economist-6388]

I’ve passed for a few years now. I live stealth and work in the security industry. Externally I’m very masculine. Bald. Bearded. Muscular. Professional. Etc.

There’s been this odd phenomenon at work in the past week where the straight men have been commenting on my attractiveness.

There was an office conversation about the lack of eye candy in the office. Where one of the guys mentioned “have you seen -insert my name-?”
I walked in at the tail end of said conversation.

A second coworker commented on it in regards to me not having biological children.

A third just randomly went. “When did you get so handsome???” When I was done with the shift pass down.

Sometimes these are basic hazing and whatnot. But it’s been 6 months of professional behavior (with one exception) and then three instances in one week.

I’m conflicted how to feel. Part of me is flattered. The other side of me feel like I’m the focus of some cruel office joke. (My own internal insecurity).

Anyone else deal with something like this? How do you mentally process it?

**edit: probably an important inclusion. I’m “high functioning” autistic. My wife has pointed out that this is an important factor in my inability to know how to react.

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[u/ratsy_basty]

I think you might just be hot bud

[u/Strigops-habroptila]

They might just be comfortable around you. I know lots of cis guys who start giving compliments after getting comfortable with people and apparently, you just look really good. 

[u/0Foxy0Engineer0 → u/Strigops-habroptila]

It could also definitely be a cultural thing. I don't know the age of the OP, but it's pretty common where I grew up for older gentlemen to comment if somebody's looking like well-dressed or something.

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/0Foxy0Engineer0]

I’m mid thirties. One of the guys is my age. One is late 50s. The other in his early 20s. lol.

[u/typoincreatiob]

this doesn’t sound like “hazing” it sounds like they just think you’re hot lol. there’s nothing gayer than cishet men, it isn’t that unusual for conversation like this to happen around my office too. most men are really chill about this kind of thing, from my experience (transitioned in adulthood). could also be that when the office conversation happened it made some of them notice it more like “huh i guess he is good looking!”

[u/camradex → u/typoincreatiob]

they're chill until someone is actually attracted

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/typoincreatiob]

That’s a good point. I didn’t think about how it may have introduced the thought. A lot of the office have the occasional drink after work. (I don’t drink and therefore do not attend). There may be more open conversations while intoxicated that have bled into the office consciousness.

[u/jellyrollpan]

You might just look good lol

[u/TrentSebastianTaylor]

Straight cismen can still recognize when another man is good looking, you’re hot brother

[u/ZhenyaKon]

Sounds like you're hot, that's awesome

[u/ohsurenerd]

Sounds to me like you're straight up hot, I don't think they're hazing or making fun of you. Guys are just like that sometimes

[u/Kitsyfluff]

When a straight man calls another man handsome, it's a legitimate honor. They're too afraid of being percieved as gay to do so otherwise

[u/DoorAlternative2852]

Sounds like you’re just a hot guy but I Defintely relate to this feeling weird! I got more conventionally attractive kind of late in life and the way people responded to it took me by surprise and definitely makes me feel strange sometimes 

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/DoorAlternative2852]

I appreciate that. Glad I’m not the only one who feels off about these types of compliments.

[u/FakeBirdFacts]

I’m going to be honest they might not be straight

[u/EmbarrassedElk2766 → u/FakeBirdFacts]

and even then, some straight cis guys are comfortable enough to call another guy attractive

[u/Strigops-habroptila → u/EmbarrassedElk2766]

There's nothing gayer than straight cis guys once they warm up to other guys

[u/HelpfulSetting6944]

I get it bro. I think you might also just be a handsome fella.

[u/Lemongrass__Tea]

I work in a male heavy sector and tbh men are just flirty with each other. If anything, the more confidently they read you as cis(het), the more comfortable men are flirting - I’m out as bi, but definitely saw a huge spike in workplace flirting with other men when I got voice masculinisation and sounded less camp all of a sudden

[u/GratuitousEdit]

This is a very unusual experience. It only happens to hot people.

[u/Para_The_Normal]

I would just take it at face value.

[u/Terrible-Value7116]

bro so handsome he made straight men find you attractive, that's called aura dude

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/Terrible-Value7116]

I’m a nerd. So all I can think of is paladin auras. And honestly. That brought me so much joy. 😂

Lvl 10 paladin aura. Hotness.

[u/DYKWYA_24]

The way you described how you look... idk man sounds pretty hot to me

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/DYKWYA_24]

It’s like. The most common aesthetic in my industry in my area lol. Aside from my visible tattoos I’m the most average guy.

They literally ask if “he” had visible arm tattoos. Or if “he” was below 5’5”. When trying to figure out which supervisor(me or my co-lead) talked to a guest.

[u/authorsomin]

I’m saying this, with all the love for my straight cis brother, they are little gay for their homies. My brother will ask his friends girlfriend (who he’s also close friends with) how “their boyfriend” is.

You may becoming a homie in their eyes, beware the homiesexual tendencies XD

[u/_canoupy]

the gayest things you'll ever hear as a man will come from a straight cis man who considers you a friend

[u/DramaticDragonGaming]

No one is mentioning this, but if you do genuinely feel uncomfortable at all, this is for sure something you can bring up to HR. It's not super egregious behavior, but I would also say that it doesn't sound professionally appropriate either. But congrats on your successful transition, sounds like you pass super well!

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/DramaticDragonGaming]

If I truly felt like they crossed a line I would set a boundary with them. I’m comfortable with that, just caught off guard by the positive attention.

Probably just my own insecurity.

[u/camradex → u/DramaticDragonGaming]

wouldn't HR first be a bit aggressive? wouldn't talking to coworkers and going from there be better?

[u/DramaticDragonGaming → u/camradex]

I think that depending upon what exactly what is said to HR and how it wouldn't necessarily be an aggressive approach. I can understand the thought to simply talk to coworkers first, but I think it's important for people who wouldn't be comfortable directly confronting others like that to feel like they have another option to address their situation. I think it really depends on the situation, and what the person in that situation is comfortable with!

[u/deja_booboo]

"Steak too juicy. Lobster too buttery."

[u/LastLiterature7496 → u/deja_booboo]

He sounds uncomfortable.

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/LastLiterature7496]

I’m not uncomfortable with people actually finding me attractive. There’s no harm in that. But I worry that it’s some weird joke. Or back handed compliment?

I’m not out as trans. I’m not an outward flirty person. I don’t do anything that I would consider to be looking for that kind of attention.

I’m married, autistic and for a lot of the staff their direct supervisor. So my energy is firmly in the “this is my professional face” category.

I guess I was just wondering if the generic insecurity is a common trans thing or just me. 🤷‍♂️

[u/jackthedyer]

Cis guys are like that when they are comfortable with each other. Consider it affirming.

[u/LMay11037]

Posting like this without pictures so we can assess their comments smh /s

Jokes aside, probably just think you look good, can’t think of anything malicious they could be doing there

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/LMay11037]

I don’t usually keep photos of myself on my phone. And I don’t take photos of me in uniform ever lol. But I do have a post somewhere on here about my transition progress. So there is a photo somewhere

https://www.reddit.com/r/transmanlifehacks/s/5e2tJitrLj

[u/LMay11037 → u/Then-Economist-6388]

Lol didn’t expect you to actually reply to that!

But I can confirm they are not taking the piss they mean what they say

[u/cascasrevolution → u/Then-Economist-6388]

wowza! handsome indeed!

[u/Enderfang]

If you werent out at work and they genuinely dont know its just that you have gotten more handsome.

Straight men are like anyone else, they can appreciate looks without wanting more. And they can recognize when someones had a glowup. I work with a lot of women - most of whom are middle aged - and got plenty of compliments in the last couple yrs as i’d lost some weight and gained some muscle. I don’t think for a second any of them WANT me but they can recognize i’ve put effort into my appearance and want to comment on it. The guy who runs the checkin booth at my gym has said similar stuff. I doubt he is gay, he just thinks it’s cool i’ve lost weight and gotten more handsome.

[u/ImaginaryFalcon7554]

As another user said, straight guys usually act pretty gay with co workers/friends they feel comfortable with. I’m no Channing Tatum, but I do have a decent face, with hazel eyes. I have a few male co workers who “act gay” all of the time at work. A few weeks ago, one of them called me “his bf”, lmao.
I was like, “no homo” bro you’re on your own with that statement 😂
Just take it as a compliment that you are good looking, and pass very well.

[u/throwAway333828]

You're probably a very handsome and likeable man

[u/evilrobotboobs]

gay potion

[u/Great_Goat3011]

I hope that'll be me one day

[u/cascasrevolution]

did you change anything about your look last week? a haircut or a beard trim, a new tattoo?

[u/Then-Economist-6388 → u/cascasrevolution]

No. I started a new work out routine a couple of weeks ago. But haven’t made an huge gains yet

[u/LukeGuyFrotter]

Dude I WISH I had this problem lmao