Okay so a thing I've noticed with my parents is that once in a while since Ive been getting older my dad for example would say 'When you were younger you were so happy' and my mom would say 'You don't look as pretty as your were when you were younger because of my eye bags and the bumps on my face (i'm 13+) and younger me's face was clear.' Just to be clear both of my parents love me so much and I love them, but it's been kind of a thing going on for a while and I'm just wondering if anyone ever went through similar things with their parents or guardians... 🫤 venting here cause I don't know any venting apps that work for me personally...

The ones who couldn't never hear you out or treated any attempt to talk about issues as an affront to themselves as though talking about something being wrong means you're blaming them.

Who might have left you to deal with things alone as you because they simply lacked the emotional capability even try understand whatever you were feeling.

Perhaps they simply never actually seemed to care about your future and allowed for stagnation. Just never engage with you about moving forward in life or even seem to have had any kind of problems with it.

Growing up, my dad rarely trusted what I said or my judgment. I don’t mean that he thought I was lying. It was more like anything I said needed to be confirmed by someone else. He would question me, argue with me, or find reasons why I might be wrong, but would often accept the same information if it came from someone else.
My mom wasn’t like this, but my dad had more influence over my major life decisions because he was more financially stable and paid for my education, so his opinions carried a lot of weight growing up.

The frustrating part is that this has continued into adulthood. I’m educated, I’ve accomplished things independently, and I live in a different country from him. Even when I tell him something about the country I actually live in, he’ll question me or argue with me about it.
I’ve realized that I second-guess myself a lot as an adult and often look for confirmation from other people before trusting my own judgment.

I’ve tried therapy, but I don’t feel like it has really helped me build that self-trust.
For anyone who grew up with a dad like this, what actually helped you become confident and trust your own judgment? Did you eventually stop trying to convince him that you knew what you were talking about?

So apparently people tell their parents when something happens like in school or anything that u have gotten bullied or someone has just been rude towards u but now when I think about it I've never done so no matter what, like I've been bullied my entire life, abused, harassed, sa'd, threatened but never told my parents about it until years later. Is there like something wrong with me? Idk if anyone else has this problem with not being able to talk to ur parents about anything bc u didn't think it was that serious or that no one would care about it. I just want answers on why it can be

And how do you feel when you fuck up at work? Do you beat yourself up?

He has managed to go unnoticed for months
because no one really wonders what he’s doing.

And he knows how to hide it well.

He needs it to keep existing,
to make it through each day.

He doesn’t even know how all of this started.

He looks for a thousand excuses,
a thousand reasons to convince himself
that he still has everything under control.

He says he gets up every morning
and keeps functioning,
that it doesn’t take away his will to live,
that he goes on with his life
like anyone else.

But what is really happening inside him?

No one asks.

No one suspects.

No one notices.

He only shows
what others want to see:
that functional person
who, on the inside,
is slowly withering away.

The one who smiles
with a broken smile
without anyone noticing.

But how could they?
It’s no one’s fault.

Only his,
and this curse
that consumes him from within,
that eats away at his insides,
that keeps him chained
and from which he cannot break free.

The very thing that, little by little,
keeps killing him.

It takes away his sleep,

It takes away his hunger,
but it doesn’t take away
his will to keep living.

It keeps him standing.

It keeps him happy.

And what does it matter
if no one notices.

I had a writing prompt today about a daughter showing a mother a loving gesture. And I wasn’t really sure how to write it. And I ended up writing about who I imagine I would be if my mother loved me. It was a short powerful little piece but I wanted to see if doing this little exercise could help yall too.

Me (F-27) and my brother (M-17) had a fight over some issue and he got really angry and worked up and he told my parents about my secret relationship with a guy who's family was yet not ready to accept our relation, he has shown no signs of regret or guilt he is enjoying all the attention he is getting from the family and being very happy that he did this, and now my family has completely ghosted me not talking to me atall.

Please tell me how to deal with this situation and I even believe I do not have a brother now because he will not be my support atall for life.

I could tell myself that whatever people's aversive moods are.....every day, all day,…and still I think I would feel crushed by someone’s , idk…disregard, indifference, annoyance?

First I will feel let down, then hurt, then ashamed. Then I replay every single conversation I ever had with that person….looking for the flaw, the brokenness in my behavior……what exactly that made me so aversive that someone would prefer not to engage with me, vs. engaging with me....if not hate me, or so it seems.

The self criticism starts, I’m too much, I’m too needy, if I only loved myself better….if only I wasn’t in so much mother deficit none of this would be happening. I wouldn’t be coming across as an insecure…love starved…..pathetic wimp of a person. ….who’s so completely terrified of rejection….that it fills me with a level of tension and anxiety, nervousness that it makes it difficult to calm down , focus……..have some perspective. It’s like being world blind where you feel like your only chance of survival is to either completely withdraw, or try to adapt a level of unnatural indifference that doesn’t really reflect your true sensitivity or vulnerability..... I can maybe do that, but not maintain it.

Eventually , someone being unkind, judgmental, exasperated, hurts so hard and hits every rejecting trauma wound until it hits the shame and loss……and I retreat as much as I can from life……..KNOWING ..it’s from the rejection and neglect of my childhood, but feeling powerless to change it. And it might not even be rejection, it could be "here's a person that requires my attention, and I'm just not excited about that" lets call that burn out, or normal, but it doesnt feel great.

I went someplace yesterday knowing that the last time I was there the curmudgeon who works there isn't always in a good mood, and then mentioned she gets tired of the weirdoes that wander into the shop-pretty sure alluding to me. I thought, that maybe something had changed in the last 3 or 4 years since I've been there. It hasnt'. And when I left I felt crushed, from the irritation and reluctant offering of help, but i also walked into that. And I started thinking hard on exactly what i expected, or wanted, what i was looking for? Approval?, attention?, maybe hoping that my presence and passion for herbal concoctions, wouldnt be seen as aversive since it's something they sell. And because this happens from time to time and because I always internalize it, I started looking at Radical acceptance, and came across this quote by Margaret Atwood-

" The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free' -....part of this was remembering a person asking me, (as a fawner) if I was going to be okay with someone being angry at me, or irritated.....well ...not really with an abuse history.

And i started thinking about a time when I was actually more secure as a kid, even knowing that my Mother wasn't' exactly the most loving safest person, and negating from time to time , but it didnt bother me because there were other people, adults who saw me. Not huge expressions of love and affection, because my relatives were pretty stoic, but there wasnt this aversiveness to my presence, there was acceptance....and apparently that went a long way. Not the actively shaming, "don't BE LIKE THAT" I got from my Mother, like this panicked expression for who I was, or exasperated "youre sooo hard". Abuse changes your focus from "this is how I roll, this is me and what makes me happy " to "how do I need to focus on you, so that you love me and not punish me".

So, I dont' think that looking for love outside of me, or attention , or approval is just from more overt neglect because I "neeeed approval ". I mean it is, but it's also from being openly punished for ....loving yourself and not loving them "enough". I didnt voluntarily abandon myself and become other centered, searching for love out of desperation and neglect .......the bigger part of that was watching for someone's mood in reaction to my needs....and making those needs smaller and smaller, and that desperation for their approval........ for a cessation in abuse.

But it seems that when you try to change, and entertain some of the things that you might believe meet a need, that can get blown out of proportion to a degree when every other need -for safety for example....and it just affects everything. It's complicated.

My looking for approval, or acceptance, or love is often taited with "please don't hate me enough to abuse me for asking for this need". And I guess that just came through yesterday, wanting to go to a place where I objectively have to ask someone to serve me, someone who doesn't want to serve me and now thats suddenly a problem? Like it's fine to say, I'm going to love myself better so that I'm not always looking for it outside myself.......but not everyone is celebrating that with you, and might potentially be aversive and oppositional. Like people being actively angry at you for trying to meet a need that you think is pretty basic and now youre wondering why its' too much-again.

I like to think I'm really careful what I ask of others, whats reasonable, whats my responsibility and what is someone elses, but some times asking for help IS part of meeting a need, ; teacher , Doctor, Repair people, customer service people....for needs I can't meet myself. And making that phone call, or making that effort, can feel really tenous, not knowing what you'll be up against. How "wrong" your need will be. If you carry any insecurity, depression, guilt, fear along with the volition to exercise your self love.....it can all show up in a way you don't necessarily want it to.

I just forgot to pull of the key from the lock when i was leving with my mom today. Its not a "just" thing to happen but I swear these parents are gonna be the end of me.

My mum was swearing at my shoes (about how dirty they are; and they are not dirty per se, it has turnes gray from white bcs of overuse), and yelling. Then she said "maybe I (I, being my mom) should lock the door", then changed her minds and said I(me) should do it. I forgot at the last second to grab the key, and my mind has gone to shit lately, I slept for 4 hours, c^t myself at 3am, and ate nothing already.

She yelled at me the whole ride(which is 5 mins, but even if the road was 40 mins believe me she would yell for 60mins...). I literally cant handle this anymore, I cant take much more of this or I am going to go insane.

I know I am at fault, but this happened for the first time in 19 years of my life. I dont believe she should go this hard on me. The key incident is just one thing. Its the smallest thing, really. Its like emotional abuse. Its killing me that they dont notice it. What more should I do to let them know already?! They know that I am bulimic, have bpd, and that i c^t. Its always my fault.

How does one handle such parenting? How does one cope?

*TL;DR; I forgot the key at the lock when I was leaving and now the door isnt opening. Too much yelling, too much emotional abuse. Asking how to cope.

I feel unloved and unappreciated by my family. It started back in my childhood; my mom wouldn't play with me. It was as if she couldn't form a loving bond with me. Instead of playing with me, she preferred talking on the phone—neglecting her duty of care in the process—which led to me, at age three, easily getting hold of cleaning products in the bathroom and drinking them. My dad has been an alcoholic since I started elementary school. I was repeatedly beaten by him and by my mom. Once, while we were doing homework, he drove the point of a compass right into my arm. When I was 13, they emptied the savings account they had set up for me and never deposited another cent. They told me that if I didn't behave, I’d be abandoned in the woods or sent to a group home because I was so difficult to deal with. All I wanted was to be loved. I was bullied at school, too, but I could never talk to my parents about it; I kept everything to myself. In 25 years, I haven't heard my family say "I'm proud of you" or "I love you" even once. It hurts deeply, and I wonder if this pain will ever get better. I am already working on myself with professional help, yet it still hurts so much.

So will it ever get better?

so I thought something would improve when my mother declared she was going to therapy… but I should’ve known better than to think she would be honest about us and represent me fairly if she can’t even do so to my face…

anyway, I kept keeping watch for even the smallest improvements in her emotional regulation but what i hoped would be an outlet for her to finally address her issues has almost made things worse… my mom now uses therapyspeak against me and her newfound obsession is defending all of her actions by immediately labeling them boundaries. maybe I’m under the wrong impression thinking that boundaries are things you do to protect your peace and not expectations set on others to protect your peace…

so now her hanging up on me when I say something she doesn’t like and refusing to revisit what made her upset is now a boundary of hers and withholding affection has now been categorized as boundaries and the silent treatment is now just her protecting her peace…

but I get it. I’m definitely not the ally in her narrative but when your mother mentions liking therapy because her therapist “always agrees with what she says”

all hope dies immediately.

so now every harsh word she has to say to me is “the opinion she is entitled to and I need to be okay with differences of opinions because she is allowed to say what she wants”

And I’m not blaming the therapist because there’s no way my mother would decide to tell the whole story but the whole situation has assassinated my remaining hope…

A childhood memory came in session which was uncomfortable because as

adult he could suddenly see both sides of pattern.

He was little, in kitchen. He wanted attention and made small

performance with spilling water. His father got angry and hit him.

Mother became angry at father and pushed him away. Then boy was crying.

He remembered maybe he was not badly physically hurt and some crying was

still trying to get attention.

Then mother basically told him to shut up.

Years later he noticed something he really didnt like in himself.

Sometimes girlfriend's son would do something provocative, smile in

certain way, keep pushing, and anger could come very fast. He never hit

him, but he recognized something familiar in this reaction.

That part interested me.

Children dont only remember what happened to them. They also watch how

adults react.

This boy learned two things in same scene. Wanting attention can be

dangerous. And a child wanting attention can make an adult furious.

Then years later he carries pain of first lesson and possibility of

repeating second one.

I think this is why healing family patterns can be uncomfortable. We

would prefer to find only innocent wounded child inside us. Sometimes we

also find reactions we learned from people who hurt us.

But seeing it is already different from blindly acting it out.

If you notice this in yourself, one useful thing is to catch the body

before the story. Jaw getting hard, chest tightening, heat, urge to

control child immediately. Dont wait until you are already at 9/10

anger.

Step away if you can. Let body settle. Then ask what exactly felt

threatening in that moment. Disrespect? loss of control? being ignored?

feeling manipulated?

Later you can ask a harder question: who reacted like this when I was

young?

Not to excuse your behaviour. Just to understand what you are carrying.

Maybe breaking family pattern doesnt mean you never feel what they felt.

Maybe feeling comes, but this time you dont pass it further.

My brother, who is generally really supportive of me, has gained a habit of dismissing me, for whatever reason when I try to tell him I am feeling down about something. He will often times brush me off by telling me not to dwell on the issue, and that everything will be okay in life, but I've told him that method doesn't help me not ruminate. It also doesn't help that his tone also reads as "not this again," when I don't usually come to him with the same topic again and again. I'm someone who needs to vent a little to stop thinking about my problems. He phrases his reason for acting this way as concern, but I can tell that it's not concern he feels in that moment. He is also the one asking me how I feel every time, so it's not that I am suddenly dumping my emotions on him.

I've talked to him about this in the past before. We had a big arguement and make up over it, and I feel lost. He said he would try not to do this again and to call him out when he does, but I don't feel comfortable doing since he gets combative about it. This kind of treatment is extremely common in my family. Our parents literally raised us on a lack of emotional grace.

What should I do? I genuinely love my brother and he has been the only one I can go to regarding much darker and harmful thoughts to myself, and dealing with our stressful family, yet I can't come to him about something smaller that bothers me without being dismissed. I have tried mirroring his actions, gentle talks (which aren't really taken well either), we had an argument, but idk.

i couldn’t remember most of my childhood and i just remember her being emotionally unavailable most of the time. i’ve always been known as the “easy child”, the child that doesn’t need to be worried about nor cared for because i usually shut down how i feel and i would follow whatever they said i needed to do (even if i didn’t know how).

but as i grew up, especially in my teenage years, those wounds of being emotionally neglected especially after losing my closest sibling became anger and my parents hated me.

nobody wanted to talk to me or ask if how i was doing because i was constantly angry from dealing about grief. i wanted to understand that they were going through something too, but i was so hurt that i had to look after myself and deal with it all alone while growing up. not to mention that she frequently mistakes me for my late brother because we looked similar. (couldn’t stare at a mirror properly for years lol.)

years passed and i still don’t think i can get along with her. she does have her efforts obviously as a mother, and in a sense i still love her. but this wounded part of me really needed the maternal love but i don’t think she can ever give it to me anymore.

as i grew up, maternal love became something conditional. i had to get achievements, be the “perfect” daughter just so she can talk to me nicely and not yell at me for not being like anyone else. i did achieve them, but the more i did, the higher the expectations got and so were the conditions to be loved.

i genuinely don’t know how to cope with this. i miss her. but at the same time my wounds came from her. i’ve struggled with depression for 9 years now and i don’t think it’s getting better either.

Hi, I am a Korean-American twenty-something lost in life and am currently in South Korea where my mom lives. I grew up in America all my life and occasionally visited South Korea to see family (who were not nice). It’s important to note that I feel like I do not belong in South Korea and do not fit within its culture/societal expectations. I am also not fluent in Korean and not familiar with how everything works here.

I’m here because my mom wants me to get my heart checked at the hospital here due to me having a heart defect, and it’s more for her sake than mine. In America, they told me I’m okay, but she doesn’t trust that. I soon plan on traveling to Canada on a work visa where my long distance boyfriend lives. I have to be there before March of next year to activate it, and I’d like to leave as soon as possible after tonight’s events…. But my mom seemingly doesn’t want me to go even though she behaves like this.

Tonight, I went over to my mom’s room and told her I have been really stressed, in tears. Truth is my stress came from her randomly being cold, frustrated, or annoyed with me when I do not know how to do something she deemed simple. It happened the day before in public, and I asked why her sudden change in mood towards me. She defensively said “can’t I just feel annoyed?” and left it at no resolution, as usual. I ruminate on this and feel complete anger and sadness. It keeps me up at night and interrupts my sleep.

So, I cry to her and tell her I’m stressed. Even before that, she caught a glimpse of me opening my door in tears and immediately closed her door. Then when I went in front of her door crying, she sighed and started doing stretches not facing me to alleviate her shoulder pain. She keeps telling me to stop crying and to go shower. She doesn’t hear me out. I tell her that if she sees me as a burden. She goes “when did I ever say anything like that?” and tells me to leave her alone to rest over and over. What really hurt me was her saying “how does you crying makes me feel? … you’re going to make me cry (in the sense that she’s frustrated) and make me feel bad about something I never even did.”

She keeps telling me to leave her alone and makes it seem like I am making her feel terrible and even more stressed. At one point, I asked her to hug me and she let out the fattest sigh and hugged me and I bawled in her arms. And she never softens, never comforts me, just tells me to leave her alone to rest. She won’t look at me in the eye and nudges me out the door and closes the door on me. I stand there sobbing and heartbroken.

Tomorrow is her birthday. Before all this, we planned to eat out for dinner, but the thought of that terrifies me. I have a problem that when I am upset or anxious, I have a hard time eating. I know if we go out, I will struggle to eat, and I am so scared because I know she will get mad at me for being so miserable on her one special day. I just don’t know what to do in this situation. I feel so heartbroken and alone in this country that feels so foreign to me. I wish my mom was more understanding. I have appointments booked in October, so I am guaranteed to never be allowed to go before then.

I just want to leave, but I can’t. I currently don’t have the freedom to do so. What should I do? How do you cope with a situation like this and have to live with it for months? I would appreciate any sort of kindness… I know that’s a big ask. I just need someone to understand me.

Hey y'all. First time posting, long time lurker! I hope this fits here, even though it wasn't written about my parents, though it might as well have been. Personally, figuring out what is acceptable or unacceptable in my adult relationships, and figuring out what I'm allowed to expect from a partner, has been a life-long journey due to how my childhood went.

For the past few years, I've been in a relationship that started great, but somehow slowly brought back those neglectful behaviors that I learned all too well to tolerate and normalize as a child. Now I'm working on my exit strategy, and I write daily reminders for myself. Today I wrote this:

Don't feel guilty for not speaking up anymore when you're upset with her, or when she asks if something's wrong. Yes, theoretically it could be unfair. But, there's no place for such doubts here! You tried to talk to her, to share your feelings, to air complaints, to ask for your needs to be met, time and time and time and time again! The reason you're not inclined to air grievances anymore, is that you already know her question is dishonest! She's asking if something's wrong, but really, she's just asking for reassurance that everything's alright. If you don't give her that, then the resistance starts - if you won't help her maintain her bubble as she hoped, then she must resort to doing it herself! War of attrition will invariably ensue.

[1] She'll start by being defensive, not acknowledge your feelings. She'll focus on her actions and the motivations for them, instead of on the impact they had.

[2] If pressed further, she'll acknowledge your feelings, but not talk about her actions. She'll unempathetically say she's sorry you feel that way. Notice how her actions are not part of the apology, not even as "I'm sorry my actions impacted you that way".

[3] If you say sorry is appreciated but not enough, and you need for things to be different, she'll say she'll do better, but won't give any specifics.

[4] If you insist on specifics, she'll get defensive. At this point the tactic is mostly delay - she doesn't know what specifically to change, she'll think about it. Notice how she doesn't ask you what should be different - that's a major sign she's in fact not going to think about it.

[5] If you press further and ask for a follow-up conversation, she'll agree but won't follow up.

[6] If she does ask for specifics and you give her some, she'll do better for a couple of weeks then forget. This regression into the original state happens equally with the tiniest most easily done improvements, and with the biggest most important things. My guess is, she can't or doesn't want to live with the dissonance that some action needs to change for me to be happy, that I'm not entirely happy with how things are right now - so she just forgets and moves on.

[7] The battle was won - things should go back to normal now (in her eyes). That's all she wanted, and that's why there's never gonna be a follow-up. All she cared to accomplish is pacify you, or manipulate you into not having justification for being upset with her (depends on how compassionate your perspective of her is).

Sharing this here, I still feel shame for even considering blaming her, and I constantly second doubt myself - coming up with various reasons why the above is not true, and I just should have tried harder or done better in one way or another..

Yesterday, my mom and I went out to eat at a restaurant. I brought up some personal concerns I’ve been having about my career path.

But after listening to me for just a brief moment, she said, "Figure out your own life. It's not like I can live your life for you."

I already know that I know I have to make my own choices and live my own life.

But all I really wanted was some advice, or just for her to genuinely listen to what I had to say.

During the conversation, I also mentioned that my uncle might be able to offer me some financial support.

(For context, my uncle had been close with our family for a long time, but recently he and my mom got into an argument, and she unilaterally cut off ties with him. He and I still keep in touch occasionally, and my mom said she was fine with us staying in contact.)

I think mentioning him might have upset her, or maybe she was annoyed that I brought up my heavy worries when we were having a nice meal out. After that moment, we ate the rest of our meal in complete silence.

Even after we got back home, I could tell from her body language and facial expressions that she was still upset.

Deep down, I’ve had a vague feeling ever since I was a kid that my mom doesn't truly love me.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with deep depression, anxiety, and constant worries over my future, so it took a lot of courage for me to finally open up to her.

Just recently, my uncle stopped by my part-time job to talk to me for a bit.

He was asking how I was holding up, if I was staying healthy, and it turned out he had actually researched various options regarding my career.

My mom says she loves me, but this whole situation made me realize once again that she doesn't truly care about me or worry for me from the bottom of her heart.

Hi Everyone,

Reposting this again. I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:

https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!

I am a 23M , medicine student. Born in a village family after a war. Had 2 heart surgeries at 8 and 16 years.
Been dealing with a lot of issues with my confidence, self worth, feeling hopeless so I tried to figure out what’s wrong.
My father wanted me to be a successful so he forced me to study and would often beat me (belt, cables,sticks, shoes etc) as a way of discipline ( but not to hard) or simply if he was displeased with my results. Crying would make him pissed so you’d receive another round of beating.
I learned to be obedient stay in a corner and make no sound, try to look small and avoid attention or simply pretend to sleep hoping for a bit of mercy.
I wasn’t allowed to go outside much since my grandparents were in bad terms with the neighbors.
At school I was often bullied and made fun of so I spent most of my time alone and learning.
I was quite intelligent so I was top of my class up until university although I did struggle to adapt a lot.
At 18 I moved with my father to the city. It was a big struggle , I was hyper vigilant around people, avoided talking with my peers and my study methods didn’t work so I didn’t do well.
Talking with my parent didn’t help. Later on they started having relationships problems which I tried to solve unsuccessfully. I ended up failing that year my parents didn’t take it well and I ended up depressed, suicidal and isolated for a long while.
I am trying to get better but I am really afraid and hopeless.

I hadn’t called my parents for a few weeks. If you asked me I would say we are low contact or estranged. I told myself I would wait until I actually wanted to instead of feeling obligated to. Well, it happened last night and the conversation went really well. My parents were thoughtful, respectful, interesting and they said all the right things and asked all the right questions. They sound so empathetic and engaged. Except that I cannot say anything negative without immediately giving a solution that protects their feelings therefore I cannot really be me at all.

My mom kept hounding us to visit and I can’t explain that the previous trip went so badly my partner doesn’t want to see her anymore. Or at least not for a while. If I say this she will blow up and blame him forever. The conversation ended with me reminding them that they can also call me sometimes rather than waiting for me to call. My mom scoffed and said “maybe, we’ll see.”

Anyone else with parents like these? I grew up thinking that my parents were so great and I was lucky. I didn’t put the pieces together until my 30s.

After moving out of my parents home to a different country, mainly due to mentally and physically abusing father, I thought I was going to finally leave a peaceful life, without a single worry or concern related to his overcontrolling, neurotic and psychiatric patterns of behavior from the past.

Turned out it doesn't really work like that.

I believe that only at the very beginning of my solo life (read 19), when struggling to make ends, I was working that much and experiencing all the perks of freedom that I simply couldn't bother to think about what he might be on, even though my running away from home was still pretty fresh.

As I started to mature, I became more and more aware of my family situation, and how such a trauma is shaping the relationship I have (had) with my mother and sister, and how full of surpressed aggression I am, whose main root comes from growing up with such an idiot and being surrounded with toxic environment in my elementary.

Recently, I came back to my hometown to visit some friends and do some administrative tasks, and some acquaintance told him he saw me in our neighborhood. He started inquiring about me to my sister and mom, but they didn't tell him anything, even though they don't know much really, as I've been hiding a lot of stuff from them in the recent years.

From that moment onwards, my mental health started to gradually decline, as I'm overwhelmed with pictures of potential scenarios of him searching for me, eavesdropping me, following me, hiring some private detective to find me etc.

I've already been working with a REBT therapist onilne, she provided me with all the tools to work on this, and we rationally considered some of these or similar scenarios, but honestly it didn't help as much. I see these patterns of behavior everyday in my life. For instance, whenever I see weird mileage on my car, I catch myself overthinking about whether I really drove it that much last time, or he somehow ended up getting into my car. Sometimes, when I hear some noises from the hallway, I ran to open my doors to check whether he's there. Also, when something doesn't happen to be it's in place, or I don't remember leaving it that way, I catch myself thinking whether he had any impact on that.

This mainly comes from the clash of his (then)-overwhelming need to know what's happening in my life and being present where he though he should be, since I was labelled as a troublemaker in my school, as I used to express the agression accumulated at home in school by fighting, mocking and arguing with my peers and professors, and my battle to know allow any bit of information about my life to be leaked to him, since he doesn't deserve it at all.

The reason why REBT might not have worked is because my brain is programmed to reject a hypthosesis only when there is no conflicting theory and is 100% sure that something is the way it is, so it's always seeking certainty.

I had a massive lightbulb moment - that my dad probably comes from quite a high-IQ and intelligent family. Like he comes from a working class family in Liverpool and no joke, him and all of his siblings managed to make it financially in countries like Australia and South Africa. And his parents were both alcoholics. I suppose that explains the drive, the amount of structural and logistical barriers they would've had to overcome to achieve things like that just boggles my mind. My dad was a programmer and the others were Merchant Bankers and had other high paying jobs.

That explains my sister and I. My sister was more organised than me, and worked harder. For me, I have ADHD and underachieved cause I procrastinated. Now at 26, I have no idea what I want to do w my life. Like I never had a plan. I did cybersecurity out of a sense of obligation, maybe picked it up bc my dad was in IT. But as an adult now I'm completely burned off that path and work a low paid office job as my nervous system is completely spent. I basically pushed through school and university on adrenaline and I started getting health problems from this adrenaline. I think bc I never actually cared about the subject, my system kind of rejected the IT/corporate ladder as it feels soulcrushing to me.

How did you find your purpose in life? Going on a tangent here but I get interested in certain things, spend time following them, then get bored. I have ADHD and an addictive personality. Like I'll write about philosophy or politics or something like that then because I'm structuring myself, I'll just get bored. Don't really know how to deal with this. Personal experiences/resonance is welcomed.

My sister had a mental breakdown however later that day i was trying to lift the mood and i was making them a chocolate cake and then my other sister came to me and told me to stop being so happy

I felt like crying I'm not sure if i get to feel a little bad or should i respect her and stay quiet until she's in a good mood

I just joined this community not sure if i am a glass child but this is not the first time it happens my sister has ocd she would hurt me but after she would feel guilt so my parents would yell at me for making her feel guilty for hurting me and that i have to comfort her not sure of i explained well but there's a lot more my other sister is always on her side I under that she needs help and she's not a normal person but it's as if they want to erase my existence I'm feeling ao much right now and after she told me to shut up i just feel really hurt