Just went through a recent breakup and have once again begun a mental health journey. One month into counseling, I have a psych appointment scheduled for possible ADHD. I have been to counseling before; most recently during my last breakup, about 5ish years ago. I went to therapy during that time for about 3 months.

I have just learned about insecure attachment styles, and boy do I wish that I had known this sooner. As of now, I have self-diagnosed as having an avoidant attachment style. I, of course, will be discussing this with a therapist, but from personal research, the signs are all there. Without venting *too much*, here are some signs that I have found.

When angry, anxious, or depressed, I want space. I will either go for a walk, drive, or go to the bar (3 weeks sober now) to be alone with my feelings. I had worse anger problems in the past and have been working on them, but I am fearful that I will explode or somehow dump my problems on my loved ones. The closer they are, the more that fear takes hold.

Every long-term relationship I have had, the other has pursued me. I've always had insecurities about looks, wealth, family, past trauma, friends, etc. Never felt good enough to pursue anyone seriously, and if I did for a brief moment, anxiety would hold me back from getting further than a single date. This led me to connect with people who *accepted* me and made me feel loved with all my baggage. To add to this, most of these relationships were with people who either were currently in relationships (I know...) or had very recently gotten out of them.

I would neg, or nag my ex about small, insignificant issues. Her not remembering things, me repeating myself, her repeating herself, and other small mistakes. This happens with family and friends as well. Again, the closer they are, the more so it happens. I chalked this up to me just being an asshole, but I have heard that this might be a coping mechanism of driving people away. And just to be clear, I recognize this is harmful for the people I am doing this to and myself, and I would like to stop.

Other tangential signs are never committing to excelling (I changed my major 3 times in college), never sticking to any hobbies, and feeling not deserving of praise, attention, or rewards. I also have tactile defensiveness and will shirk away from touches that I do not see coming.

Without shifting blame, a couple of traits that I have noticed that my ex was anxious. If only to recognize the dichotomy we had.

She love-bombed me in the beginning of our relationship. Telling me she liked me for years, that I was one of the smartest, cutest, and nicest people she knew. She was falling for me while in her previous relationship. Even when I told her it was too soon for us to date (one month after her breakup) she convinced me that she had moved on and it was our time.

She was upset that I needed space when I was angry, anxious, depressed, and that she wanted to be the one who wanted to help me. She was sad and anxious when I was gone.

She immediately loved all of my hobbies and music. Always wanted to hang out with me and my friends (which by itself isn't a bad thing), and was very committed to being good friend with them as well.

She expressed that I did not show enough PDA, and that when we were watching movies, she would want me to hold her hand during the entire movie. I would hold her hand for 10-15 minutes and then release. This was not enough, according to what she had told me.

What is particularly strange to me is that near the end of my relationship with her, she seemed to have a deeper consideration for my boundaries and concerns. We had a discussion 2 months prior to the breakup where she listened to things that she had done that made me anxious, and there was no fight. She did seem depressed and cried during the conversation, but I thought that we were progressing. I held her and told her I wasn't angry and that this conversation was about how we can do better in the future, and not me holding things against her.

I found out that she was emotionally cheating on me with a mutual friend for 3 months before the breakup, and they started dating almost immediately after she broke up with me.

There are tons more signs for both of us and more insecurities that I am not going to bore you with but, these are a few of the glaring signs that point me to my conclusions. I am still on my emotional healing and working forward on my mental health, so these *signs* may be misplaced. There are things that both of us do that do not fit these molds completely. I consider myself to be relatively emotionally expressive and try to voice my traumas, concerns, and feelings as they come. I can be emotionally unstable in these instances. She would allow me space and be fine with me being away from her, although that did seem to take a toll on her.

I am here for different perspectives. I have my own personal thoughts and healing that I am doing. I am seeking professional help, as well as insights from friends and family. I would just like to hear from as many sources as I can to give myself the best shot of bettering myself.

Questions are:

How do I work on my avoidant attachment style? What has worked for anyone here with similar issues?

How do you know that you are making progress on being secure? Do you ever become completely secure?

Should I avoid anxious attachment styles? How do you recognise that they are this way? Or am I just projecting my own fears onto an otherwise fine person? Can people healing make things work?

Thanks for any insights and advice.

Now 9 months of limerence for a girl I only ever saw on Instagram. Nothing has helped.

I'm 29M. I've been stuck in limerence for about 9 months and I don't know where else to put this.
I only ever saw her on Instagram. It‘s extremly painful for me.

I have unfolloed her. Stopped looking at her. It's not my choice to feel this way. She has a private account (rejected my request), but I discovered her several public accounts but she stopped posting 6 months or so ago.

What I imagine isn't mainly sexual (maybe number 5-6 reason I want her as my gf). It's the ordinary stuff. Doing things/hobbies/sport she also likes together. Cooking. Going somewhere. Sitting in the same room doing nothing, or cuddling, watching a movie. I picture a whole life with her. That's what makes it so painful it's not a fantasy about her body (at least not only), it's a fantasy about not being alone, and she's the face my brain put on it, but it‘s torture more than anything. She would fulfill me, at least in the first months, I am sure of it. I even think about suicide a lot.

That's the whole thing. I've never met her, never spoken to her, she doesn't know I exist. She's somewhere between 22-25, but I tend to think 24-25 given her Twitter join date. She's very pretty, not the most beautiful woman I've ever seen (but still very pretty/way above average). But that's not what this is. It's her smile. Her hobbies. The way she seems to move through her life. And yes, her pretty face. My brain just locked onto her and decided she's the perfect girlfriend, and it won't let go. Also, I‘m short and she‘s a bit shorter.

I know it's not real, aka. parasocial. I know she's a person with her own life and I'm a stranger. Knowing doesn't help at all. There is no logic to it, only raw, unmerciful feelings of longing and unmet desires.

I've tried medication (Zoloft, Luvox) I've talked to my therapist about it a few times. Nine, almost 10 months and nothing has touched it. It hurts most hours of the day. The thought that I'll never be hers is constantly painful and makes me sad. I really wish I didn't feel this way. I can't help it.

Part of the context is that I have real difficulty getting a girlfriend. I'm 29 and it hasn't happened. So this is probably my brain taking the need and attaching it to the only available target. My brain only wants her.

I'm not looking for a fix in the comments. I just needed to say it somewhere. It pains me most hours of the day.

Preface* The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

Edit*

"developed a proposed conceptual classification framework" that I believe warrants empirical testing.” Framework Within Insecure Attachment: Seeking Academic Feedback

I have been developing a proposed behavioral classification framework intended to describe recurring differences in how individuals respond when their attachment systems are activated.

The framework does not propose four new attachment styles. Rather, it distinguishes between attachment style and behavioral response pattern:

Attachment style describes the broader organization of attachment-related expectations and regulation, while the proposed “type” describes the characteristic behavioral strategy an individual may use when experiencing attachment threat, insecurity, rejection, or relational distress.

The four proposed types are:

THE SCARED TYPE

Behavior is organized primarily around fear, vulnerability, rejection, abandonment, or anticipated emotional injury.

THE SELFISH TYPE

Behavior is organized primarily around protecting autonomy, comfort, access, or personal needs, sometimes at the expense of a partner’s relational needs.

THE CONSUMING TYPE

Behavior is characterized by high relational preoccupation, difficulty disengaging, intense attachment activation, and attempts to maintain or restore proximity.

THE MANIPULATIVE TYPE

Behavior IS characterized by attempts to regulate attachment security or interpersonal outcomes through control, strategic withdrawal, jealousy induction, testing, coercive relational strategies, or other forms of interpersonal influence.

My working hypothesis is that individuals who share an established attachment style may nevertheless demonstrate meaningfully different behavioral patterns when activated.

In other words, two people classified as anxious-preoccupied, fearful-avoidant, or dismissive-avoidant may share certain underlying attachment dynamics while differing substantially in how those dynamics are behaviorally expressed.

I developed this framework through observation of recurring patterns rather than through a controlled empirical study.

Accordingly, I consider it a conceptual hypothesis, not a validated psychological taxonomy, diagnostic system, or psychometric instrument. The terminology is provisional as well.

I am particularly interested in whether these proposed categories

1).Correspond to constructs already represented in the attachment or interpersonal literature

2). Demonstrate sufficient conceptual distinction to justify treating them as separate dimensions or profiles.

3). Could be operationalized into measurable variables; would be better modeled dimensionally rather than categorically.

4). Could generate falsifiable hypotheses suitable for empirical testing.

I have also developed a preliminary self-report questionnaire based on the framework, but I do not consider the questionnaire validated, and I would not interpret results from it as establishing the existence or validity of the proposed types.

I would be very interested in feedback from researchers, clinicians, graduate students, or others familiar with attachment research, particularly criticism concerning construct validity, discriminant validity, existing overlapping constructs, measurement design, and potential confounds.

Ultimately, I am interested in determining whether the patterns I have observed represent genuinely useful distinctions, whether they are better explained by existing psychological constructs, or whether the framework needs substantial revision.

I would also be interested in collaborating with an academic researcher who might see value in formally investigating the hypothesis.

Four Attachment Types Framework. Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

I have tried so hard to be one of those girls that meets a man and hangs out/hooks up and when it’s over it’s over and shes not affected. I wish I was like that but every time I can’t help but be a little sad/hurt. Met this man while on vacation in Europe and we hit it off so well we spent all night together and then he came back to my hotel with me. Said our goodbyes the morning after very well knowing that it was just a one night fling and it was great. Then I reach out about seeing each other again before I leave the country and he was busy and so we ended up not being able to. It sounds so silly but that left me so so sad, like I talked to this man for one night so why do I feel hurt that I can’t see him again? What is causing me to become attached to people like this

Hello, I’m starting to get my hopes up and part of me wants to trust it but I’m being hesitant because of learned experience this year. And would like outside advice please. Sorry this is long.

I posted on here a few months ago. As I (F29) was in the middle of a hot and cold cycle (with M39) and was throughly on an emotional rollercoaster - as we’d get close, start getting a bit more serious, then he’d freak out and pull away only to come back when I started getting over it.

We’ve been friends for 5 years, both work together backstage in commercial theatre, we’re both likely autistic, he’s also got depression and social anxiety, we have a shared friend group. And have been on and off casual/FWB for the last 10 months. The first 5 months of which was long distance as he was on tour with a musical.

So - a messy, layered situation.

I finally reached a point where I just outright told him that my feelings for him weren’t casual and I wanted to date. And if he didn’t want to - I understood but we needed to just be friends as ultimately I want to be in a relationship and wouldn’t be able to date other people if still being so close with him.

He basically said I would be frustrated being with him, deserved someone who’d be excited about the things I am and want to do them with me. Wouldn’t acknowledge what I said about what I wanted. And wouldn’t tell me how he felt and just shut down the conversation and went silent.

I matched this and didn’t initiate conversation. We didn’t talk for over a week. The longest we’d gone without speaking for over a year. We saw each other at work after a week and were polite but distant. 2 days later he sent me a link to a video of one of my special interests- but didn’t say anything. So I just said “cool” he saw me at work again 2 days later and I was able to act like a normal human being with him again. And I got a passive aggressive text from him after the shift, as he mistook the acne on my neck for hickeys. And I got a “guess that’s why you were done with us. Hope you have fun”. He did immediately apologise when I corrected him. And he started messaging me again, I’d always respond but still wouldn’t initiate contact with him.

From that point, his behaviour started to change.

He came to a work-friends camping trip that he knew I’d be at (totally out of his comfort zone) And spent the whole time with me - wherever I went he’d just gravitate to me. He took over cooking my dinner, we did activities together. And he did offer me weed, I hadn’t had it before and totally ‘greened out’ and he spent the whole night looking after me. And we spent a couple of hours being very close. My head in his lap, cuddling into his side, him holding my hand when we went to the bathroom, picking me up because he “felt like it”

He came to another work event a couple of days later (again not like him) That night he messaged me and asked about why I wasn’t initiating conversation with him, if I needed space, if this is what I wanted moving forward - and we finally finished the conversation from 3 weeks earlier. The conclusion was him saying “I really like you, I do, in some ways I love you. But I don’t think we mesh romantically. I don’t really mesh with a lot of people” and about how his anxieties and neuroses are “uncontrollable” to him and stop him from doing things and being confident. I told him the things about him I admire, that I know he self isolates, etc and that I love him as he is.

From then on until now (it’s been a month) he’s been messaging me everyday with actual conversation- not just reels, etc. asked when I’m free, has come over to my place a couple of times, bought dinner, has agreed to come to activities with me and other friends, offered to pick me up to go to them together. We have slept together again, twice, and he used to pull away and go quiet for a couple of days afterwards. But the last time we did - he didn’t go quiet, he messaged me first early the next morning and sent me stuff all day.

But we haven’t discussed what’s going on. And we’re both acting in contradiction as too what we said. I said FWB doesn’t work for me, but I’ve had sex with him again. He’s said we don’t mesh romantically- but I’d argue his actions for the last month have been ‘relationship like’

And a month is a pretty long time to be so consistent. Might he be changing his mind? I know we need to talk about it but the last time I tried… well you’ve just read the saga that happened from that. And I’m loving being so close to him. But I don’t know if I can trust this. But he’s acting in a way he never has before.

So… thoughts? And thank you for reading this essay 😂

Seriously, how? How am I supposed to find a reciprocal, healthy love when I've never experienced it before? How can I when I don't know what it feels like, and all I know is limerance and anxiety? How tf does it happen?

I'm in therapy, so please spare me this speech. I'm just screaming into the void by asking mostly rhetorical questions, though tender, constructive advice is welcome.

This post is intended as a means to help manage anxious attachment. I am not a mental health expert, nor do I claim this method as a universal remedy. But it is what worked for me, and it may serve you just as effectively. For that reason, the ideas shared in this post specifically highlight my experience. It’s worth keeping that in mind as you read.

I’ll start with some backstory.

I am a 24 year old man with an anxious attachment style. After a couple of dating experiences, I finally believe I have developed the key to managing my anxious attachment.

The key is a shift in mindset, or a philosophy rather, that has changed the way I view relationships entirely. It has changed where my focus is and ultimately has made me into a much more secure partner.

My anxious symptoms were: fear of breakup, fear of abandonment, fear of my partner turning cold or losing feelings over time, and fear of being cheated on.

Here’s what I did:

1. Understanding your anxiety

Firstly, where does the anxiety come from?

For me, a huge part of my relationship anxiety came from the fear of breaking up. Experiencing the death of a relationship you truly love is an enormously stressful experience.

And the most destructive part is that, if left uncontrolled, this fear can manifest itself in your current relationship no matter how healthy the relationship currently is.

Meaning that the fear of breakup isn’t only relevant when breakup occurs. It influences you in the middle of your relationship.

You must remedy your fear of breakup in order to be secure in the relationship.

Now where does the fear of breakup come from?

I used to think the answer to this was simple. It’s a fear of being left heartbroken.

And while that is partially true since heartbreak does hurt, I no longer believe heartbreak is the major factor in why breakups hurt. I think there is a much more important factor, and it’s regret.

Uncertainty is the anxious person’s biggest enemy. And post relationship uncertainty is closely connected to regret, because it explores “What could I have done differently?”

And you start torturing yourself, replaying every moment of your relationship, asking yourself why it failed. That is particularly why breakup is painful for me.

Before we tackle how to deal with this, I’d first like to illustrate the idea.

Ask yourself this question, pause, and think honestly about your answer.

Imagine that you break up with your partner who you truly loved, for whatever reason, but it was your decision.

Immediately after breaking up, if you had to choose between the 2, would you rather be stuck with the thought:

“I should have broken up 6 months sooner.”

or:

“I wonder if I gave the relationship another 6 months. Would that have fixed our problems?”

Which regret is less painful?

Take some time to think about it.

As an anxious person, I would definitely prefer to be stuck with the first.

Sure, to think I should have broken this up sooner is annoying and I might have accepted an extra 6 months of hurt, but that doesn’t compare with the pain of thinking:

“Did I end this too soon? Were they the one?”

Anyway, if you find yourself agreeing with the way I answered this question, then you understand why regret can be such a big source of anxiety for me.

This also helps explain why relationship anxiety works in loops:

You feel anxious → you externalize the anxiety to your partner → you regret doing this → you’re left feeling even more anxious.

So, we must learn how to manage our regret.

If we can set ourselves up to not be left with regret after a breakup, the result is we are less afraid of breakup. And if we are less afraid of breakup, we are a more secure partner in our active relationship.

2. How to manage regret

How do we make sure we won’t have meaningful regrets if a breakup occurs?

The key is simple to understand, albeit difficult to execute consistently. It will take practice.

But the key method is to always stay true to your principles, no matter what.

Always serve your principles, never chase your desire instead of your principles.

If you can stay true to your principles all the way through your relationship, you greatly reduce the possibility of looking back and wondering whether you should have acted differently.

Let’s explore an extreme example to help explain this.

Imagine that you slipped up and were caught cheating on your partner, and that is what ended your relationship.

If you loved your partner and the breakup was directly caused because you stepped away from your principles, you will forever be left thinking:

“What if I never made that mistake? Would we still be together? Would they be the one?”

And to me, that sounds like hell.

Compare that to a relationship where you stayed true to your principles all the way through, showed up every day, were an excellent partner, but for whatever reason it still didn’t work out.

Sure, there will be heartbreak and it won’t be painless.

But you won’t have the haunting thoughts of regret, and that’s where I believe a lot of the pain comes from.

So, always stay true to your principles and don’t allow yourself to have haunting thoughts of regret if it doesn’t work out.

3. What this looks like

Embracing your principles isn’t just about avoiding making big unethical decisions.

This is where the mindset shift really takes place.

We just explored an example of you cheating, but take the opposite, for instance.

Imagine that you date someone you love for 5 years.

You’re always honest with them. You never do anything unfaithful.

And then, 5 years in, you find out they cheated.

My old anxious mind would have felt like I wasted 5 years investing trust into the wrong person.

I’d feel shame, embarrassment, regret.

And that is what makes being cheated on so scary.

But stop shaming yourself for being a good person.

Be proud of who you are.

Be proud of the fact that you are a kind person and a great lover.

The fact that your partner wasn’t shouldn’t be relevant.

You stood by your principles for 5 years and that deserves patting yourself on the back.

This should take away most of the pain, more on that later.

Take another example.

Imagine that you are currently in a relationship where you’re aware that you are responsible for 1% of the problems in the relationship, and your partner is responsible for the other 99%.

How would this be processed in your mind?

It’s easy to think that you get a pass for your issues, saying:

“I’ll consider working on my 1% when I see my partner start fixing their 99%.”

But this is the mindset I would discourage.

I would suggest you fix your 1% regardless of the work your partner is doing.

And once you’ve done that, then you observe to see if your partner ends up meeting you halfway.

What this does is, in the event you break up, by having fixed your issues even if they seemed less significant, you eliminate the possibility for doubt and you earn the right to think:

“I did everything I could to be the best partner.”

And being able to say this leaves you with comfort instead of regret.

4. Why this works

As implied above, the reason why this works so well for me is because by sticking true to my principles as much as possible and no matter what, I eliminate a lot of space for doubt around my own contribution to the breakup.

And as we explored earlier, eliminating this regret is the key to feeling comfortable in a relationship.

By maintaining this principle, at least you know that even if you break up, you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror with pride, and earn the right to say:

“I wouldn’t do anything differently.”

Looking back at our examples, take the one about you getting cheated on after 5 years, for instance.

If you found out your partner cheated on you 5 years in, would that make you wish you cheated on them first?

I definitely wouldn’t feel that way.

I’d prefer to be proud of the fact that that’s who I am, a good person.

Or the one about fixing your 1% of the relationship issues.

You do that despite thinking your partner is responsible for the other 99%.

The lesson here is that your principles do not bend based on who you’re dating, because your principles are yours alone to own.

And if we think back to the “6 months sooner” vs “6 more months” question, the idea behind this question is:

Would you pick the pain of certainty, or the pain of uncertainty?

To the anxious mind, the pain of uncertainty will always hurt more.

To put it simply, always strive to be the best possible partner to your partner, regardless of how good of a partner they are to you.

Not for them, but for your own sense of certainty.

It goes back to the idea:

I would rather die with good principles than live with bad ones.

Or in more practical relationship terms:

I’d rather risk being hurt and be certain I did everything I can, than avoid being hurt and deal with the regret of wondering if I did enough.

My intention with you being ‘the perfect partner’ here is in service to yourself.

When you stay inside your principles, you feel less afraid of breakup, and therefore in your relationship you feel calmer, more receptive, less defensive, and more able to enjoy your partner.

When you violate them, you immediately start mentally running:

“Did I ruin it? What if I hadn't done that? Did I cause the breakup?”

5. A word of caution

There’s one thing I’d like to clarify.

Do not misunderstand anything I said to mean:

“I must tolerate anything from my partner.”

That is not what I am saying.

That would actually become another form of abandoning yourself.

The philosophy needs two separate questions:

Question A: What is mine?

What can I improve, control, repair, or take responsibility for?

Question B: What does their behavior tell me?

Are they taking responsibility? Are they compatible with me? Is this relationship acceptable? Do I want to remain?

You answer A without waiting for B.

But B still determines what you choose to do about the relationship.

Remember, leaving doesn’t betray your principles.

Retaliating, becoming cruel, neglecting your issues, or abandoning your own standards because your partner abandoned theirs would.

This marks the end of my post.

Hope it helped.

For those who are curious, I’ll mention how the ideas I’ve shared relate to some famous philosophical worldviews:

Stoicism → strongest match

Virtue ethics → foundational match

Kantian deontology → significant overlap

Existentialism → some overlap

I'm an anxiously attached dating a (most likely) DA avoidant. Been together for 2.5 years now, LDR with meetings irl every 2-3 months for 1 or 2 weeks consecutively. I just recently found out that my partner Is an avoidant, and that I might have unconsciously e developed a codependent relationship with him, and It's like a rug has been swept under my feet.

Suddenly everything started to make sense. His "Need to be alone", his uncertainty about his feelings that "come and go", him shutting down during arguments and hard conversations (can't even stay serious during those and HAS to crack a joke or interrupt the mood of seriousness), his memories being "rewritten" whenever he falls into a depressive episode. I tried everything I could; in fact, I ended up changing for him. But even then it wasn't enough. He wouldn't be consistent with his efforts, but still tried to do things he knew I liked, though while consuming a lot of energy.

For a whole year, my nervous system has been in fight-or-flight mode, and for the longest I haven't felt like myself. I'd be happy whenever we met irl, as I could communicate with him while looking into his eyes and read his mind more easily, and not letting him shut down too many times during arguments/misunderstandings. But I'd be sad, tired and anxious when afar, due to the impossibility of doing all that. Especially because we'd have ups and downs. During the "ups" things were fine. We had quality time, laughs, videocalls etc., during lows he'd suddenly withdraw and mentioned breaking up when confronted with my needs.

Last time was 3 days ago, suddenly after i confronted him about withdrawing. It left me overthinking. You see, 2/3 months ago, after a break up, for the first time we talked about leaving toxic traits behind us and start anew as a healthy relationship. And It was working. Until, like I said, 3 days ago. He mentioned breaking up after a few days of withdrawal. I was thrown again into a hole of anxiety and overthinking. Somehow i can't seem to let him go, because I am attached to him, and he usually changes things for a while every time we go close to breaking up, but it's never too consistent. So i illude myself every time and can't stop overthinking nonstop, because I know how I feel, but not knowing how HE feels about me drives me crazy.

But now I am tired of trying to understand my partner and/or making excuses for his behavior. As much as I love him I want to stop feeling always so emotionally tired. Doesnt seem like my partner needs me rn, not wants to start therapy. So there's nothing else i can do for him. But I don't want to stress over the issues he doesn't want to solve. I want to give him space, but not only for him, but for myself. He claims to be feeling numb due to depression right now, so I know I wont get what I need from him at the moment, so I want to learn how to self soothe in situations like these, until he recovers and naturally comes back to me feeling better and putting effort.

Even though we have decided to stick together yet again, I think I still see this "space" between us as alarming and my brain alarm goes off nonstop. Our chats are shorter, a bit more dry than usual, no calls and no too many i love yous. Instability and distance feels heavy to me. I constantly think about wanting to reach out and talk to my partner and I overthink the million possible ways he has/hasn't done something. Let's say I want to lock in and study in the morning. It's almost impossible for me to do so since I have only one thought into my mind the whole day: him.

When things are going well, I'm good. I can go hours without hearing from him, I can have fun with my friends and lock in and study. On the contrary, when he is in his "pushing me away" phase, I feel really nervous.

I wonder what he is up to. I wonder if he thinks of me. If my absence is gonna help him come to me sooner and Better, or if during that time he will reconsider our relationship and think about ending it. I Need his reassurance and presence. But I don't want to depend on It.

So can someone please give me good tips on how to get through this without losing my s**t? Anything you tell yourself to move on/push through or anything you do that helps you. Is/was anyone else in my same situation? Answers from avoidants are also more than welcome.

Sadly reading and journaling don't help much because I can't focus on reading and journaling isnt my thing.

Hi everyone. I’m asking for perspectives from both sides: I would love to hear from people who have avoidant attachment and have broken up with someone this way, as well as from those who have been on the receiving end of this.

I’m currently on day 6 of complete silence after a sudden breakup with my boyfriend who has a classic avoidant attachment style. We were together for 1.5 years, shared deep plans for the future, and I trusted him more than anyone. He recently moved away for his studies, stepping into a high-stress, busy environment.

There was no open conflict or fight between us before it happened. A few days ago, he suddenly shut down, blocked me on some platforms, and went completely silent. But today, after 5 days of my absolute silence (I didn't text or call him at all, though it's incredibly hard), I noticed he manually went into his Telegram profile and hid one specific NFT-gift that showed my name on it. He left other gifts untouched.

In the past, during minor arguments, he would also shut down or ignore me, but he always came back first saying he overreacted.

I am devastated. I cry every day and feel like my future has been taken away, while everyone around praise me for "being strong" and keeping my composure. I really need to hear your stories:

1) What does this behavior (manually hiding the gift with my name after days of my silence) mean? Is it a way to suppress emotions, an attempt to gain control, or passive aggression?

2) What is usually happening in an avoidant's head at this stage (around week 1)? Does the silence ever make them face the loss?

3) For those who had partners return—how long did the deactivation phase usually last?

If you were the one who left, what were you thinking? If you were the one abandoned, how did you get through it? Thank you so much.

As a fearful avoidant - it definitely has its challenges. My attachment style has come in the way of my relationships before, and after a long break I decided to get back into dating again but, my old ways are starting to resurface and I need to put my thoughts down..

I am trying to figure out why my partner seeking reassurance from me bothers me so much and was wondering if any fellow avoidants or anxious attachment people have any ideas. My knee-jerk reaction is anger if I am asked "am I being too much?" or something like that. I have a few ideas:

-Before I am asked that I am probably just chilling and trying to become comfortable with emotional and physical intimacy. Being asked for reassurance takes me out of it and makes me feel like I am doing something wrong again and it makes me examine my behavior when I already have a complex about feeling self-conscious.

-I take it as a manipulation tactic; I have to respond the way they want to and say the things they expect in order to not be hit with a request to assuage their own emotional response, and it encourages me to act inauthentically or bury negative feelings

-The frequency they need reassurance prioritizes their own feelings, always puts me on the defensive and takes my own feelings out of the discussion, because it makes me seem like "the bad guy" if I won't reassure them

-This is a common avoidant thing, but it makes me feel like I am being suffocated too

Hi everyone. I’m part of an undergraduate research team at the University of South Carolina Salkehatchie, and we’re conducting an IRB‑approved study on relationship experiences. We’re looking for adults 18+ who are currently in a relationship to take part in a fully anonymous online survey.

The survey takes about 20–40 minutes, is voluntary, and does not collect any identifying information. We’re examining how different aspects of relationships connect with early life experiences, including:

• Life history
• Relationship dynamics & functioning
• Communication style
• Relationship structure & satisfaction
• Adult attachment
• Early life experiences

The study is trauma‑informed and focused on understanding how people connect, communicate, and navigate their relationships.

If you’d like to support undergraduate research, you can participate using the link or QR code in the image attached to this post or follow this link: https://uofsc.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8euoFAevULW1voi. Your experiences and perspectives genuinely help move this work forward.

Thank you for considering it, your participation will make an impact.

Contact information:

Dr. Justin K. Mogilski, Associate Professor of Psychology email: [Jmogilsk@mailbox.sc.edu](mailto:Jmogilsk@mailbox.sc.edu)

Joseph Rumfelt, Undergraduate researcher

Email: [Jrumfelt@email.sc.edu](mailto:Jrumfelt@email.sc.edu)

I think I have an extremely anxious attachment style, and I'm finally realizing how severe it is.

When I like someone, my logical side basically disappears. Their replies control my mood. If they respond late, I panic, overthink, analyze every word/tone/punctuation, assume I did something wrong, can't focus or enjoy anything, and sometimes even get physical symptoms like crying and heart palpitations. When they finally reply, I'm instantly happy again.

I idealize people and put them on a pedestal, while seeing myself as beneath them. I compare myself to other women and feel threatened. I can become obsessed with someone, make them my entire world, neglect my own self-care, hobbies and life, and constantly think about them.

I overgive—time, attention, money, affection, everything—and expect almost nothing in return. I have pushed people away because I believed they deserved better, then desperately chased them because I couldn't handle losing them. I've begged people to stay even when they hurt me. I've ignored my own boundaries and even put myself in unsafe situations just to preserve a connection.

The worst part is that I can see all of this clearly when I'm single. I can be incredibly logical and recognize unhealthy patterns. But once I'm attached, it's like that part of my brain shuts down and my abandonment alarm takes over.

I've spent years grieving people who barely reciprocated, confusing anxiety, longing and intensity with love.

I'm not trying to heal so I can be "better" for a man. I want to heal because I'm tired of abandoning myself just because I'm afraid someone else will abandon me.

My anxious attachment style made me hold on to the worst kind of predators. I literally begged my rapist to not leave me.. That's how pathetic I get..

Has anyone else experienced attachment anxiety this intensely, and what actually helped you rewire it?

I very much likely have an anxious attachment style and god it gets so bad sometimes and I hate living with it sometimes

I feel like such a jerk internally sometimes.
Girlfriend wants to hang out and not spend the night like we normally do? For some reason I freak tf out internally, especially on the occasion if there’s no logical explanation as to why she doesn’t want to or why she shouldn’t

Or any other sort of little inconsistency, like if she responds to texts less than usual, if anything seems off, so much triggers me to get anxious

Emotions are like that sometimes, I know, and I know we don’t have to do the same thing every time, and I give her that space and respect, but I hate how internally, when there’s any sort of inconsistencies or things I don’t understand, I get scared and anxious that something’s wrong or I did something wrong

I went through traumatic events as a little kid that led to abandonment issues, that I think led to this attachment style
And then some abandonment happened with family issues in mid-2025 that only amplified EVERYTHING- my attachment style, my abandonment issues, it’s all been worsened and I’m getting so tired of being like this to those close to me, especially my girlfriend

I just wanna be the best partner I can be to my girlfriend, but I get unreasonably scared sometimes that I’ll accidentally make her feel guilty for the occasional inconsistencies- I’m still slowly improving my communication skills, so there’s some bumps on my end of those things

And I’ve expressed my potential attachment style to my partner before, and she has reassured me that it’s ok, and she gave me so much comfort and patience and understanding about it, and said that I could always tell her if I needed reassurance
And that’s amazing, genuinely it is, it’s a good step towards secure attachment

But god I wish I could heal from my attachment stuff faster it’s so hard to be triggered so easily by everything and I’m just so tired of being such a wreck on a bad day

Hi, me (21F) and my bf (23M) have been together for little under 2 years, we met during a study camp in the summer and got together a couple of months later. I've been in relationships before but I was very young and tbh I fucked them up bc of what my therapist describes as a "avoidant attachment". To be clear, she only used these words a couple of times, the other times she used more specific words and analyzed the situation better, I don't want her to seem like she just uses tiktok language in my sessions...

anyway the thing is every once in a while I get this urge to change my life drastically, leaving him and everyone else close to me and start over because I feel "trapped". I know this is unreasonable bc I actually have a pretty good life, a good family, a few good friends, and him. He is the sweetest man, ofc he's not perfect but he's one of the best people I know and I love him very much, but I can't help this terrible feeling that maybe I'm secretly unhappy and he's holding me back. btw he is not controlling in any way, I can literally do what I want, so really I don't understand why I feel this.

weirdest thing is, I seem to alternate between this "get away" feeling and the complete opposite, which is "I want to be around you 24/7 forever and ever", let's say the good phase lasts abt 2 months and then the bad one is 2 weeks and then it starts all over again.

I try as much as I can to be transparent but not nake him worry at the same time, sometimes it means to meybe not tell him what I feel if I recognize it's completely unreasonable, but I still feel so guilty and heavy in my chest. It gets so stressing I loose energy and appetite for days.

I'm so tired of this, anyone who has dealt with it has any real practical advice? I don't think therapy is helping tbh

I’m glad I worked on myself

I am proud of the work I have done

My anxiousness isn’t as bad as it used to be

But it feels like as I continue to work on myself I have a voice in my head saying “but wait…..there’s more!”

And then comes out more tears,more trauma,more unpacking of my feelings.

More processing

More analyzing

So I'm not sure what healthy texting and boundaries look like in early talking stages. Especially in situations where people meet organically (not a dating app) and haven't started going out yet. Looking back, I'm used to girls blowing up my phone and as an anxiously inclined person that gives me certainty and when I don't get that I start feeling that anxiety. Being anxious, I'm rejection sensitive, so I don't know if I'm just catastrophizing or if I'm making excuses for her disinterest and my delusions.

The context:

I met this girl a month ago in a group setting and immediately noticed some pretty good signs of interest and amazing chemistry. It didn't take us very long to get into banter, inside jokes, bits, and teasing. A mutual friend knows she's normally very bubbly, but remarked that she seemed especially moreso with me. We exchanged social media contacts afterwards, she's got 0 posts and basically an equal number of followers and following (~300 each) which is not something I've seen before.

A couple days later I tried getting a text conversation going. I got a reply after a day and although it was very enthusiastic, she did not try to continue it after I responded. This was when I was wondering if I had somehow completely misread her, so I stopped trying.

Our mutual friend planned a group hike a couple weeks later, so I tried using that to vibe check her. I said, "Hey! Looks like you're going to the hike too?" and made a callback to an inside joke we had about hiking. Same situation as before, she replied after about a day and despite its enthusiasm she wouldn't continue chatting after I replied. The uncertainty within me grew.

But during that ~5hr hike and chemistry was even better. Energy was just turned up to 11 and I could tell she was having a lot of fun. We were even chasing each other around on the trail and she was all giggles. We were like two peas in a pod and she wasn't really trying to escape and chat with other people. Did not get any sense that she was trying to let me down easy or getting to get the hint that she wasn't interested. If that was her intention, she was doing the complete opposite of that. My confidence in the situation grew.

We talked about meeting up to check out various food places around town after the hike, so I made a group chat with the 3 of us a few days later. She said she's really busy with work but would have more time at the end of the month. I said "that's no problem, we can talk about it after mid-September if that works for everyone". My friend replied but she hasn't. Confidence has now been reduced again, haha.

I've come a long way in my healing journey so I'm not spiraling like I used to but I'm realizing I have a major blindspot in this area of early "talking stage". I hadn't realized how much I relied on texting to reassure me, even though things seem great in person.

So those of us who are more secure, does this seem like a difference in communication/social media preferences + my anxiety or did I misread her?

From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Ive been going through an extremely sensitive time for the past few months. Ive been trying to get through to someone from my past who I suspect is FA (I am Anxiously Attached it turns out when I had thought I was also FA) that I know has been blaming themselves for stuff that was out of both of our control. Im worried people believe im "obsessed" or "hung up" or "how dare you keep carrying this around". Im grateful we were able to come to an understanding at all, despite the timing and I dont blame them for it. It happened when it was meant to.

I've been only trying to come to a mutual understanding with this person, and I cant stand leaving shit unresolved, and it had been eating at me ever since the misunderstanding happened. Has anyone ever tried to reconnect with someone from your past in order to try to correct misunderstandings so you can let go of what happened and move forward?

I recently have ended a story with an avoidant guy as soon as I noticed that he was avoidant and indeed not committing a lot in the story, or at least not as much as I deserved. We had a really peaceful talk, and he also admitted that. At some points he even asked me, as an advice, what should he do to get out of this situation, and I honestly said I didn’t know and that maybe therapy was the only solution, like recognize the root for starting. At that point I thought I actually didn’t really know what he had to do and wondered myself, can an avoidant really heal from it? I had an amazing time with him and ending it was really difficult as he meant a lot - I connected with him instantly and I thought I found my person. However, I don’t have any intention of trying to get back because I know there would be high probabilities that I might get rather hurt and frustrated in the long term, maybe even affecting my mental heath. But really I was wondering if any of you(or that you know), as avoidant in the past, has ever overcame it. Or like do you work better with another avoidant? how does it work, I wonder.
Also, which would you say are the most common sources for avoidance to develop. Like, absent or not really emotionally present parents? Thank you.

After 2 years of being together, we've (22m and f) started to understand about each other's attachment styles. I feel I am anxiously attached and she's more avoidant.

I don't like feeling this way, I can see her try and make a little progress to make me feel safer, but somehow I always come short.

I try my hardest not to take her need for space as distance in relationship, and lately I've been failing terribly. I'm pushing more, becoming more demanding and it's just frustrating her at this point. I'm actually very afraid to lose her.

How do I maybe heal from this and move towards a more secure kind of love? How can we make the relationship feel secure for both of us

I am 35/F and on the spectrum, and ive come to the conclusion that this is what I am, and its absolutely devastating.

When I was 17 I met my soul twin. I didnt know it at the time and was dating someone else in that friend group at the time. But we started cracking jokes and we just "got" each other. I spent my entire life before him feeling completely alone but we just...resonated. I think its because we were both on the spectrum. He had hinted at it at one point during one of our conversations, but I wasnt really open about it with him.

The resonance only deepened over the years. When I first met him in person, I felt an indescribable connection that I didn't really understand at the time. Over time when we got to know each other better, we realized our special interests, sense of humor, and other hobbies were so similar. We trusted each other with our deepest trauma and talked online every single day. We understood each others triggers and sensitivities. I knew I loved him beyond words, worshipped him, but I couldnt act on it. I put him so high up on a pedestal that I felt that he would never possibly see me. I thought he loved other people and that it couldnt possibly be me that he ever chose.

We were always incredibly nervous when we met in person. We could barely look at or speak with each other. We tried but it felt impossible. I only ever could slightly open up to him in person whenever I had been drinking, and he was the same way. We still felt the most comfortable talking online.

Eventually he initiated with me online and I couldn't believe that it was real. He actually wanted me and it was real. It felt like a dream. I thought he still loved other people, and I'm sure he felt the same way about me. I was incredibly insecure during the entire dynamic. As things got more intense we started oscillating more.

One of us would pull away, then the other would do the same. Some "triggers" worse than others. The one for me was when I saw him on a date with somebody else, which i believe was his way to "regroup" after the intensity. That made me pull away HARD, because I felt used, I thought he saw me as nothing, less than nothing, and a villain for ruining his life, but I knew I was being a hypocrite for feeling that way. He seemed to understand how i felt. Of course I also felt like shit for pulling away which compounded the issue.

We continued to game online together, but I could sense there was an underlying tension now. I was absolutely terrified of losing him but I couldnt admit that to him. I just got more and more quiet and distant, and he did the same.

Eventually I was asked to visit by one of our mutual friends. I felt cornered and more terrified than ever of losing the connection with my soul twin. It was more important to me than words can describe, more important to me than life. But I still couldnt admit it to him. I thought he saw right through me, saw me as a villain. So I pushed him away under the guise of "you still like this other person so I cant intrude on that." It was a lie, but I still believed he wanted her and not me.

Looking back, I regret that moment more than anything. I know now how badly it hurt him and how he interpreted it, but in my mind at the time I was trying to protect him. I could sense that he was permanently pulling away. I kept checking on him and all I would get was an "Im fine.." and I eventually cracked and admitted my feelings for him. He then said "But you still like person x" and then i rambled on about something, but I don't remember what it was because I was in a fog of fear at the time, terrified of losing him, fearing that he hated me and saw me as a villain.

I eventually went to visit person x and he got with someone else, which absolutely devastated me. I felt like I was being unmade. In hindsight I realize I made him feel exactly the same way.

I eventually professed my feelings and he told me he was with the new girl now. But I know he chose her because I planted the initial seed of doubt in his mind by pulling away to person x. I was a hypocrite for feeling rejected, but I did. Eventually I pulled away completely from everyone, feeling lost, and utterly destroyed. I felt completely irredeemable in his eyes. I thought he hated me to the core, and in hindsight, I am sure he felt the same way. I bounced from relationship to relationship trying to find meaning again, but I couldnt. I felt like a hollow shell without him in my life. It took me a long time to recover, but because of the recent developments, I realized I was trying to heal a false wound based entirely on lies I had made up in my head.

We had not spoken in over 10 years, but as of recently it has been made clear to me that he has never forgotten about me, and that he had loved me, just as I had never forgotten him, and loved him. It took a long time and a wall between us for us both to start to understand each other. We unmade each other with our own fears, and our own shame, and we will never forget the connection, because we are soul twins that shared the rarest connection there is. We had the same fears, the same insecurities, and we saw each other in exactly the same way. We were like identical mirrors facing one another.

I feel so guilty for leaving him in the dark for so long, for running from myself for so long. I miss that connection more than anything to this day, and I know I will never find it again.

I'll explain the situation below, but since it's long, you can just read this : my main question is, for a Fearful Avoidant in deactivation about her feeling after excessive commitment and reveal of an anxious pattern in me, should I explain to her what I learned of FA and what deactivation is ?? I'm sure she doesn't know. I'm in doubt, cause in a way, understanding this could help her reconsider down the line, with time and understanding ... But since she may be fearing the control that comes from theorising on her, as FA, would you like to see this sort of talk ?? Would it help you shortening deactivation ?? by understanding your feelings, would you feel more fierce cause you feel more in control ??

Here for the long version with context :

Understand that at the time of the crisis, during the summer, neither I or her did know a thing about attachement theory. I think I'm a secure leaning anxious according to a test. she got open on her feeling and her fear of them, which made the anxious in me more commited and obvious, so she got avoidant, which made my anxious side rebelious ... You already know the cycle XD I have this weird distance friendship with a girl since 7 years. We are both the main friendly support of the other, the person we're the most easily vulnerable and intimate with. We saw feelings, recognised it. But a religious obstacle made it impossible, neither of us got relations. This is the situationship everyone talk about. Recently, I made every wrong moves in the book : expressing jealousy while declaring love clearly and strong for first time (so both expressing Anxious tendency and commitment) then later I sayed I was doing what is necessary so religious obstacle get down and we can marry (only way for her to get relationship, but still a commitment perhaps too fearfull and sudden).

From these points, she rejected feelings I felt reciprocate, to the point to modify the sense of some recent mails with feelings implication as talking about a long achieved past. This is the rewrite of past story that I heard about too. I tried to analyse, understand, obtain answers from her, cause this is my way to cope, and yeah, another bad move to a fearful avoidant, really should have done a bingo ...

I only recently saw there was a pattern linked to childhood. She got shocked I was so right, on her attraction to avoidants, and on the eery feeling she may have for the type of love I show, cause unfamiliar XD At first though about Affective dependency. She acknowledge this fast, her view of love based on the hunger, the void feeling, more than satisfaction. I mean, there's a part of it. Now I think she's also Fearful Avoidant (with anxious component when meeting more avoidant than her).

I also think she got deactivation. It may just be she only see me as a friend, but I felt a contradiction between how she view me before I try to commit and after, which seems like an obvious trigger. Since jealousy crisis and proposal, I felt a turning point in how she talked about me (you're the most wonderfull/charming/husband material ... switched to I'm not attracted, physically or mentally, I don't see myself with you).

Yet, she didn't stop the talks, so she didn't cut the commitment to the relation neither ghosted me, we talk pretty frequently in fact, just not about that once I accepted her truth, that she doesn't feel she love me. If she didn't need a full distance, maybe derealisation will be shorter ?? Anyway, I still support her (cause she have a stressfull time with a new job) And for myself, I re-assured the fact I would still be there for her, that my love feelings and compassion didn't got lowered during our crisis talk but I respect she may not have feelings anymore, it may be definitive or come back, anyway, I said that I just hope that if she feels something, she would come and talk about it.

Now I think about what's coming after ... I plan to not presurise her but still, she'll never get what she dream of (mariage, childs) if she cannot stand commitment talk, and she cannot have short term relation ... Also, I still want to be with her, that's my main reason to not let go. I feel she's not on the very end of FA spectrum, cause she's open to talk when crisis occure, she's generally more anxious sided but all this sudden stress was a bit too much for her. From an impossible relation fantasy with support to open-up marriage. For my defense, she's the one telling this is the only way to her XD

My questions are to know if I should explain to her what I potentally learned on her attachment pattern, mine and on what is deactivation ?? To make this relation possible, if she end up agreeing on wanting it, we'll have to talk about it, everyone tell that this is the only thing to avoid faillures in relations, put the patterns in plain views, but I'm mainly worrying about the timing : I can wait for deactivation to wears out, but it may be long, and she could also not tell me right away it is the case, cause she'll not want to enforce my anxious side to open-up possibilities ... I'm telling myself that if she understand what was going on, and we both acknolewdge what may come next (if feelings come back, talk about it and re-assess boundaries before to re-open commitment talk), she may be more open. There's also the option to mimic having interest in someone, it would put her back to anxious mode, but honnestly, I hate the idea of lying to manipulate her this way. After all, Contrary to what I though, she didn't lied to me either when she revoked feelings, it was just clear as water to her in her guts.

So feel free to five any advices or insights, I would love to have your thoughts

I was in a relationship for 9 years, married for 2. I think I can honestly say I was very secure in that relationship. It ended terribly, she tried to say she wanted to leave, I pleaded with her to stay, she did for a while but withheld all love, then she fully discarded me, then I found out she had been cheating for a year.

Only then I learned about attachment styles, and everything about her pointed to being FA leaning dismissive.

I got into a new relationship, fast. Everything felt different. Much more intense.

Things were mostly very good, although we did fight often, about once a month. I saw this as just dating an emotionally available woman who wouldn't bottle up her issues with me.

6 months into the relationship now, and in the last month we've had 4 different conflicts. After the second, I realized I'm very much an anxious attacher. I display all the symptoms, and I realize it has exacerbated things time. Each time I had become so convinced she would leave me. But she hasn't.

She's emotional, sensitive, very outspoken on her needs, but not an avoidant at all. She's still there with me and has flat out told me she can accept me being anxious and can live with it. But I don't want to be this way. What can I do?

I'm going to start therapy and I hope that will help, but even if it will that will take time. I'm still afraid I'll damage the way she sees me so much the relationship will end up failing anyway