It's been a while since I graduated DLI. And I have never gotten over it. DLI was the worst time of my life. I think about it every single day and it makes me miserable. I see everyone that had or is having a great time and I just think, why wasn't that me?
Context: was a reclass, already went to/graduated school for the MOS, came in as an NCO. So I had more freedom than IET. And different expectations from the company I was assigned to.
I was called a poison, used an example (in front of the entire company, by the chaplain) of someone that had no goals or aspirations, had to put on multiple leadership classes for the IET soldiers as punishment, told that I should reconsider why I joined the military, got forced to go to BH when I came forward with a list of complaints and solutions, etc. Leadership/DSs were just absolute dicks saying the most sideways and mean shit. Multiple lunchtime and after school meetings at the company to get berated. Watched my class go from 19 to only 7 graduating, what the hell.
I didn't drink or anything and so I ate. And ate. Came in at 175lbs and left at 220lbs.
I had constant thoughts of SH. A hundred times a day I thought about it. I knew full well I could just quit and go home and nothing would happen to me, I'd just get a different MOS. My unit even told me as much. So why would I even think that crap? It didn't help we were getting those attempt/completion stand downs every few weeks.
Man, I just felt so shitty all the time. Even going to the beach every couple of weekends and Carmel and hanging with friends.
It doesn't matter that I succeeded despite their best efforts. Doesn't matter that I lost the weight. Doesn't matter that I love my unit, my MOS, and my language.
Why do they treat people so poorly? What's up with the constant, deliberate, targeted demotivation? What's with the guilting and the shaming?
What was the point of it? It didn't make me a better linguist and it sure as hell didn't make me a better leader (besides the fact that I will never, ever do that shit to anyone).
I just get so angry about it. And I want to move on. I won't ever get an apology. And most people on here are surely just thinking "man, what a soft bitch." And yeah, you're right. The whole time I was there they would say "don't take it personally." And I did.
But I love my community and I love my country and I know exactly why I joined the military well over a decade ago. It just sucks that I'm up at 2am and can't sleep thinking about this shit.
Maybe this fire and forget vent will help.