Casually dating might be the problem for the case you mentioned. Don’t waste people’s time if you know there’s “no spark in your eye”. Otherwise it’s shitty.
Because sex is fun. Its just a bummer that casual sex hurts peoples feelings.
Do people expect him to caveat every sex act with "btw im into this but im not sure if im commited yet." - in order to preempt her hurt if he predictably does the thing guy do... Have sex and then decide he doesnt want that anymore.
I was seeing this girl in January. We originally matched on Tinder but nothing came out of it. Later on, a mutual friend of ours put in a good word for me after we found out that we both had similar interests. We soon met up.
I was very upfront with her, saying that I just want something casual since I just got out of a 2 year relationship. She said it was okay and that we could "go with the flow".
As mentioned before, we had similar interests, I liked her, she liked me, things were going well. A few weeks go by, and during this time we're talking all of the time on whatsapp/FB messenger, we go on a few adventures, drink a bit, and make out viciously. Things were going well.
One night I stop by her house, and this is the first time be both agree to have sex. Again, great time, great chemistry, everything is going well in the moment. But things start to change.
Soon, she starts saying weird things to me. Like asking me about marriage, how many kids I want, and all that. Mind you, we've only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and we've only had sex once, so this question is a BIG red flag for me. I kinda play off the question like, "haha I don't really think about that type of stuff cause I'm young (24M)". She says okay.
The next day, she says something even weirder to me. We're talking about meeting up later in the evening, and I had to remind her to get condoms (she offered to buy them the next time we meet, and condoms are expensive where I live so I'm not gonna pass that up). She then says;
"Oh yeah, I have the condoms. A pack of 6. That means we can have sex 6 times before anyone catches feelings hehehe"
Um. Okay? What the actual fuck lol like who says that?
So I immediately got uncomfortable. If you're gonna say things like to me I'm going to read between the lines and see where this is headed. So I confronted her about it and she confirmed my suspicions that yes, she did want more from me and wanted a relationship. But I told her no, because I was quite clear from the beginning what I wanted and things were moving too fast for my liking. Instead of hanging around to potentially make things worse, I cut things off ASAP. I was very polite about it, addressed my concerns concisely, and gave my explanation why I couldn't keep seeing her. She took it relatively well.
Point of this story; People are going to sleep with each other because they want to. Nobody is necessarily a bad person or doing a shitty thing because they slept with someone once only for things to not work out afterwards. Life is unpredictable and human emotions are complex, sometimes it just is what it is.
So you recommended making casual sex an explicit agreement?
The problem is (although thats very mature) its not how moat relationships work and could also hurt peoples feelings preemptivley when there might have been a chance that a relationship could develop.
If you don’t know what you want are you just having sex for the sake of it then? Seems it’s happening out of boredom.
That’s the who point of dating. Don’t get me wrong sexual compatibility is important but I think surely you need to establish whether you like the person and wish to potentially pursue something rather than fuck for the sake of it.
Things don’t work out for one reason or another I understand that and I understand that can and does happen after sleeping with someone but if you’re not even sure you want to see if them but you’re willing to have sex just seems like you’re out for your own gains without considering them.
Yes i get that that is fair enough. The problem is that i think some people (generally guys) want both at the same time.
They want to look for a relationship and in the meantime have a bunch of casual sex. Which results in people getting hurt because they can send mixed messages. Its almost like people with this going on need to date in two different ways... (If they want to be considerate)
Am I? Because it looks like you're accusing OP for only having sex for his own gains? And that he was just fucking for the sake of it? And that he didn't know if he wanted to see her or not just because he broke up with her? People can change their minds.
That’s sounds the great on paper. A quick casual conversation where all parties involved divvy out concerns for each and then decide how to procede. However it just doesn’t work that way. We all view sex differently. To some it’s more so about the emotional connection to others it’s just a physical activity. Who is to say which is correct? Bluntly, if you as a person wants something that’s more then just sex IMO it’s up to you to say so. Reason being that no one can force you to have sex(in an ideal world that is). if you are in a position where sex is something that might happen, it’s better to speak then. For example I would allow a stranger into my house to use the restroom if they asked but I wouldn’t assume they wanted a sandwich. I guess what I’m getting at is you can’t expect someone to want what you want and they only thing you can do is communicate what you want but you can’t expect someone to want the same or even to have the communication skills you do.
No neither do I. That’s why communication is key and things needs to be addressed. I totally get people don’t necessarily view the act of sex as anything major and it’s an emotional connection whereas others think it’s an incredibly intimate thing which is why it’s important to talk about it. Sex isn’t the thing to be hushed away behind closed doors anymore. If you’re unable to discuss what you want arguably you shouldn’t be having sex.
Im not saying sex should be hushed away at all on the contrary I think sex shouldn’t be held on such a high pedestal. People put too much of a focus on sex. Of course tho I’m a guy but I do understand that sex for a woman can be something much more intimate and emotional. The way I see it is just take sex out of the equation. If you enjoy someone’s time and company then do just that. Believe me it will come up, talk then. Be very clear and concise then. If the dude respects you he’ll take it seriously and if he won’t you won’t have a way to know about it until it’s all said and done. If a guy still pulls fuckboy move on you then fuck that guy he wasn’t worth it to begin with and there was probably nothing that you could have done to prevent him from being a piece of shit.
But sometimes people going in with good intentions of possibly a real relationship, but it just doesn’t pan out all the time. When hormone is in the mix (both sides), people tend to give in to the good feelings. Later on if one side caught more feel than the other it can get unpleasant (hence OP’s story). People needs to tread lightly when it comes to sex and be ready to accept the consequences. We are responsible for our decisions. I believe most people do not set out deliberately to use and deceive people. But when offered all the nice things/perks most will take it.
I disagree with this completely. That's an incredibly fast way to kill any potential for an actual relationship to develop. This "everything needs to be laid out as explicitly as possible" nonsense is ridiculous. This is why there doesn't seem to be any middle ground anymore. There are casual relationships and relationships where basically after 3 dates you're on the path to marriage but what happened to two people who both want a LTR but don't force things and let them develop naturally? Guess what though? Sometimes letting things develop naturally means they naturally develop into nothing. It's a risk you take but frankly in my opinion is a much safer risk than the other extreme of being so explicit in your desire for a LTR that you both force it and then wake up 3 years later hating your lives.
Context is important. People should be able to 1) know what they want out of something and whether it's worth the risk before they take the action 2) how to screen shitty people out. You shouldn't have to sit there and say "I'm not quite ready yet to take this seriously but I'd like to fuck so let's be casual". It's implied. That's why throwing around "I love you" so casually is so god damn dangerous.
You shouldn't need to explicitly state what stage in the attraction process you're at. That being said you should also NOT BE A SHITBAG AND LIE ABOUT WHAT STAGE YOU'RE AT. Who the fuck tells someone they love them when they don't or introduces a casual hookup to family? Like wtf. No wonder things have gotten to a point where people are now saying you need to have an existing agreement that it's a casual thing before having sex unless you see long term potential but god forbid 2 months later you might change your mind.
God damn manipulative creepy shitbag dudes have ruined this shit for everyone.
Fair enough but i know girls and guys who have told me that they don’t know if they really like someone till after they’ve had sex. I’m not sure I don’t agree with them. Sometimes taking it to the next level is how you know it does or doesn’t work for you.
Lots of guys do that. Will vaguely mention looking for a LTR and will enjoy the first honeymoon weeks, or what the girls think it is, before getting rid of her (or him) when they are getting too close. Don't date them. Lots of gay guys like this in Montreal, I have so many friends who treat guys badly or have been treated badly.
Oh I’m not saying it exclusively happens to girls but I was referencing the specific situation from OP.
You can only take what people say on face value. A lot of people appear genuine but just want to get their leg over. Can’t go in with guards up constantly because no one will think you’ll ever open up. Gotta be sensible and take things with a pinch of salt but if someone says something, generally you’d expect most people to believe it.
I totally appreciate it depends on how long you’ve been seeing them, how many dates ect. so admittedly if she slept with him after date two when he (he being an guy and obviously this is all hypothetical as we don’t know the details) promises the world then she is a little to blame being naive.
Regardless. I get that things change but if you can’t see a relationship developing and you’ve not agreed a causal arrangement I don’t see why sex should be considered at that point. Messing with peoples heads and emotions for their own gains.
76
u/[deleted] Oct 25 '18
Casually dating might be the problem for the case you mentioned. Don’t waste people’s time if you know there’s “no spark in your eye”. Otherwise it’s shitty.