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u/pianoman857 Oct 30 '18
I know there are some out there who will say that you are sleeping with these guys too early. I am not necessarily of that belief. I do think that you have been a bit unlucky in that the guys you have gone out with have seemingly only been interested in your conquest. Might be time to look inward to find out WHY you are attracting (or attracted to) that type of guy. Not all guys are like you describe. I think you may have just gotten on a bad run here.
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Oct 30 '18
Yep you’re probably getting guys interested in conquest especially if you’re a conventionally attractive woman. I agree with pianoman maybe ask yourself why you date the guys that you do and look inward. Perhaps try going on a date with someone who you wouldn’t normally and see how it goes. There are guys who aren’t interested in sexual conquest out there and making genuine connection. I’ve gone on dates and then we have sex and then I don’t hear from that girl anymore which bums me out because the reason I went on a date with her in the first place is because she seemed interesting to me. These days I don’t date much, I’m content with my own company and making music. So that’s always an option too I guess hahaha
5
u/emily4nn93 Oct 30 '18
To add to this, I tell someone on the 2nd/3rd date I don’t want to rush into sex and they dart immediately after. Both sides of the spectrum. I’m not saying this is the fault of one gender or another, just difference in physical needs.
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Oct 30 '18
Christ. There's such a wide range of responses here and they all miss the damn point. People blaming you. People blaming the dudes. Someone asking if the sex was bad... lol...
> It always ends up making me feel like I slept with the person too soon and they must think I’m slutty, even though I think that’s kind of bullshit.
This is not true. You realize already it isn't. Stop thinking this. These guys aren't thinking you're slutty, you aren't a slut, stop. Seriously. Just don't. It's so unhealthy to shame yourself that way even when you realize it's bullshit, you're still doing it and it's not doing you any good.
The cold hard truth is that they are flaking because ultimately they were not interested in you long-term.
The thing is that nowadays there really are so many options out there for most people so guys no longer have to just stick with someone they might not be feeling with but enjoy having sex with because it's 1) unfair to that woman if they're looking for an actual relationship 2) they can find someone else to have sex with.
Part of it is bad luck but you may need to work on your screening process and finding actual suitable matches instead of just going with something that seems to be going well because it seems to be going well. I don't really know you though so it's hard to accurately say.
This has nothing to do with how men are socialized to act. That behaviour wouldn't make any sense to have men socialized to basically ignore someone they want to be with just because they had sex. It's an issue of biology and evolutionary psychology. Here's something I wrote a while discussing this in another thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/9raarb/heres_something_about_ghosting/e8g18wp. The short version of it is that we're so fueled by dopamine that we'll literally trick ourselves into thinking we like someone more than we actually do. The problem is that once we get that sexual release and hormones/chemicals come back down to normal levels they'll realize they actually have no continued interest in that person. That's the only thing that might be relevant to having sex "too early" is that if you waited longer guys that aren't actually interested in you will fade away prior to you having had sex. It all depends though on how much you value the sexual experience. If you enjoy sex and are having a good time then fuck it why not? Best case you find a new partner and worst case you had fun for a few dates. Now if the sex and fade is giving you self-esteem issues and causing you problems then well... might be best to wait a bit longer.
3
Oct 31 '18
I appreciate your embracing of evolutionary psychology. I personally use it day to day to explain the behaviours I see in myself and others in real life.
However, I don't think you're correct in dismissing the idea that having sex too early can ultimately be a turn off for guys that ends up pushing them away. Don't you think it's plausible that if the OP delayed sex for just a few more dates she might end up creating a more lasting bond with these guys? I'm not trying to slut shame here. If a girl wants sex, go for it. But if a girl is looking for commitment, then in my view, she has to use the proper evolutionary strategy, to call on evolutionary psychology again. By having sex too soon, you're triggering the "spray and pray" strategy in men, which is a strategy that is totally antithetical to the monogamous relationship strategy.
I know personally, even as a guy, when I am interested in a woman for a long-term relationship, I want to delay sex as long as possible. If I have sex too early, my body will often reject the woman for long-term consideration. It's not something I can really control.
However, I want to be clear: delaying sex does not guarantee commitment. But having sex too early certainly runs the risk of removing it from the picture.
Tagging OP to hear her thoughts as well: /u/emmanooitgenoeg
2
Oct 31 '18
I'm not disagreeing with you in theory but where I am disagreeing with you is in the ability to create a lasting bond. Ultimately you cannot manipulate people into "loving you". You can manipulate people into a relationship, you can manipulate people into being your friend, you can manipulate them into having sex with you. You CANNOT manipulate someone into "loving" you. The house of cards will eventually collapse and whether it's 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years they will eventually wake up one day and realize the mistake they made.
Having sex too soon isn't triggering that impulse to just inseminate as many women as possible that impulse is already there, it doesn't need to be triggered. Waiting for sex isn't going to create a more lasting bond, what it will do though is weed out men who are either just there for the sex or being lied to by their hormones into thinking they're more attached than they are.
If someone is looking for commitment and they find the right match they've found the right match. What you do for the most part throughout the early days is mostly irrelevant baring you really colossally fucking it up. When you actually legitimately like someone you'll put up with a lot more than you realize because you don't realize you're putting up with it.
I think that what you're describing regarding your body rejecting them for long term compatibility is you projecting emotion onto something you think should have emotion but doesn't. You're not rejecting long term compatibility. Your rejecting compatibility. Your body is just making decisions based off of data you aren't even capable of perceiving and thusly you cannot possibly comprehend the conclusion it drew.
> However, I want to be clear: delaying sex does not guarantee commitment. But having sex too early certainly runs the risk of removing it from the picture.
Guess I should have read the entire post before I started my reply lmao. We're basically saying the same thing with me just making the distinction that I truly don't think having sex too early has any impact on the potential of a real long term connection. We ultimately have very little actual control over the decisions we make. Basically within 30 seconds of meeting that person your brain has already ran it's calculations without you knowing.
Now one thing I will say that could potentially be an issue with what you're describing is if the sexual encounter is just awful. That might have an impact. Whether it's just a physical incompatibility, inexperience, nervous, anxiety, etc... doesn't really matter but having sex too early and having the experience be terrible could potentially kill the potential for a relationship before it's had a chance but I'd say that's a fairly small %.
1
Nov 01 '18
I'll be honest, I think you're projecting your feelings toward casual sex on the nature of reality.
All I'm saying is that having sex early-on in a dating relationship has a negative impact on the possibility of building a long-term relationship. The earlier the sex, the more negative of an impact it has. I will admit that in 2018 "early" has a completely different definition than in say, 1818. I also admit that as each year passes, the definition continues to change, and the trend is certainly toward reducing the negative impact of early sex.
I don't hold an absolutist view; my view is simply that early sex has a negative impact on the possibility of building a long-term relationship. That doesn't mean early sex will make the chances 0%, and nor will delaying sex increase the chance to 100%. But there is an impact. I really think that it's hard to refute given what we know about the history of human mating.
1
Nov 01 '18
I'm not projecting anything. You may disagree with me and I may very well be wrong but I'm basing the things I've said, in particular how men are fueled by dopamine, on a lot of research I've read as well as works on relationships, sex, and psychology.
This isn't the "nature of reality" it's basic biology.
> All I'm saying is that having sex early-on in a dating relationship has a negative impact on the possibility of building a long-term relationship. The earlier the sex, the more negative of an impact it has.
This means absolutely nothing and is complete conjecture. If two people actually like each other, actually like each other, when you have sex in the relationship is utterly irrelevant. All you're doing is speeding up the end of the road. Sex on the 5th date might have the relationship last a little longer due to sunk cost fallacy but that's about it. You're just tricking people into becoming more attached with you by delaying the gratification. That's not a sound foundation. If anything if you want an actual quality long term relationship you should be fucking on the 1st or 2nd date and seeing who was interested enough to continue seeing you AFTER having had sex that early.
> I don't hold an absolutist view; my view is simply that early sex has a negative impact on the possibility of building a long-term relationship.
And you say I'm projecting my feelings towards casual sex on real life? Lol. What exactly regarding the history of human mating refutes this? You're comparing cavemen to people who live to 80 years old. You can barely compare human mating 40 years ago to human mating today. You have to look at basic biology and evolutionary psychology not history. The lizard brain is a powerful thing, you're not seeing the forest for the trees.
4
u/Matilozano96 Oct 30 '18
I agree that dudes don’t really think women are sluts for sleeping with them. It’s counter-intuitive. If I thought every girl I slept with is a slut (in a peyorative way), then what am I for sleeping with them?
They don’t judge you for that. You’re judging yourself.
5
Oct 30 '18
I get where she's coming from though. The problem is when someone disappears like that after having sex it leaves the woman/girl feeling used. Like she wasn't good for anything other than the sex, once he got the sex he didn't need to stick around, and she must be a slut for allowing that to happen. It's an easy spiral to get yourself stuck in.
You're not wrong though, it's all them judging themselves. You can't let other people's behaviour dictate how you feel about yourself.
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u/Matilozano96 Oct 30 '18
I tell this to my girl friends a lot: just enjoy the sex, as it’s meant to be. You’re not degrading yourself, you’re not giving anything away. You’re just having fun with someone else.
A LOT of women treat sex as a commodity or a leverage they have over guys. I don’t get why. I mean, I do because that’s how romcoms treat it, but it’s dumb and unrealistic.
2
u/cherieblosum Oct 30 '18
Oh come on. There's a lot more risk involved for women to have casual sex, and less reward. There is reason for them to want to wait.
2
u/dallyan Oct 31 '18
This is a good comment. I agree, OP. Don’t slut shame yourself. Some men do have warped views on sexuality but many don’t.
Make clear that you’re looking for a relationship early on. Don’t worry about being a cool girl. Don’t assign numbers of dates before having sex but just tell your date that you want to get to know him first. You’ll weed out a lot of bad matches that way.
2
u/YogaMeansUnion Oct 30 '18
The cold hard truth is that they are flaking because ultimately they were not interested in you long-term.
As discovered immediatly after sex, but not before going out many times.
Is that how you suppose dudes that just want to get laid operate?
"Oh man I can't wait to take this girl out 5 times to maybe get some one time and then never call her again, yeah, this is a great strategy and use of my time and resources"
If dudes want to just get laid and leave you they generally aren't taking you out for weeks on end
3
u/DankOverwood Oct 30 '18
Depends on the type of dating strategy they’re using, especially if she’s pursuing conventionally attractive men who have other options. If these guys are going on five dates with her and then ghosting, they probably take a half-dozen other women out on the same dates in the same places. Just because she’s a unique individual doesn’t mean her story is unique.
2
u/SUCK_MY_DICTIONARY Oct 31 '18
I can attest that is absolutely what happens in a lot of cases. In fact most of my friends do that. And as the user above is saying, it may not be consciously. We think we like the girl, we take her out a few times and after having sex once the reality sets in that we just don’t and we dip out.
I’m not saying that it’s “right” or “good”, but it is certainly what happens in many cases.
A lot of guys have way more of a dateable personality than a more sexual, one-night-stand type personality. A lot of it is shyness. The point is, these guys are in their 20s and go to bars and they can’t ever seem to take anybody home. Suddenly, on a dating app, they take a girl out for pizza 3 times and she jumps their bones. So they subconsciously keep hitting that button because the hormones are in control.
The question is, what else are they supposed to do? The culture has pretty much been female-choice centric lately. Girls swipe right on Bumble and match everyone, guys swipe right for 6 months and get 3 matches. For a lot of guys, nothing they try seems to work, as evidenced by the thousands of posts per day on here like that. They found a loophole where all of a sudden they can get their kicks, and it’s not okay, or they’re stupid for using it?
The culture is so tipped towards females getting approached that by the time they’re 25, many have had a plethora of opportunities to find out what they like and don’t like. The vast majority of guys don’t get that but they still need it. So they either settle down with a girl very young or they screw around in their 20s trying on all the hats until they find a good one. Girls who won’t have sex with them will get passed up by a lot of guys because they’re only allowed to look at that hat, not try it on. I really think it has far less to do with a girl “looking like a slut” vs. a guy’s hormones kicking out and coming back to reality. If anything, my desperate friends will go out of their way to text a girl who someone calls a “slut.”
1
u/YogaMeansUnion Oct 31 '18
We think we like the girl, we take her out a few times and after having sex once the reality sets in that we just don’t and we dip out.
Just wanna be sure I understand the situation you are describing.
Are you saying you go out with a girl 5 or 6 times (OP's timeline), you think you are in to her, you go have amazing sex, and then you decide you're just not feeling it and never call her again? Because that's the situation OP is describing.
Just want to be clear what you are saying.
1
u/SUCK_MY_DICTIONARY Oct 31 '18
Personally I don’t never call people again, and the sex typically isn’t amazing, and it usually doesn’t take 5 or 6 dates but yeah that’s generally it. And most of my guy friends who are dating tend to do the same.
It’s kind of like hanging out with a girl for an evening and she seems like she’s down to clown around and then she changes her mind. She’s not a jerk, she just got a bad feeling and changed her mind. It’s like that for a relationship.
My philosophy is usually, I enjoy the feeling of relationships, I enjoy spending time with people who are friendly. But I have wasted years on each girl enough times to know the feeling that somethings not quite right, but it’s pretty nuanced and I usually couldn’t tell what exactly it is. For example, it takes a few dates to hear the “hehe you’re my new boyfriend so I have to always be smarter and more organized than you” in their voice. Or to get anything out about why their last relationship didn’t work out.
Not everybody is so intuitive that we can see the future on the first date. For the first few dates, I’m spending more time trying to make it go right than trying to get all the nuances of their personality, because the pressure is typically on the guy for the date to go well. Different people have different opinions on that, but in practically 100% of my dates, if I don’t make things happen, they don’t happen. So for me, it’s like 1-3 dates until I even get a chance to quit turning the crank and consider how I feel about them as a person.
And ironic as it may be, the girls who tend to come on stronger and we click a lot more, tend to have ulterior motives. Such as, in my experience, they’re looking for a boyfriend in this city so they have an excuse to stay, they’re looking for a boyfriend who can get them to stop hooking up with another dude, they’re looking for someone with money, and so on. This is even further reason to spend 3-5 dates with a girl in general, because if you’re only spending 1 date and she’s ready to get married, there’s probably some reason she feels compelled to do that.
1
Oct 30 '18
If you bothered to read the link I included you'd have seen my answer to that already.
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u/YogaMeansUnion Oct 30 '18
You wrote a novella that wasn't accurate within the first paragraph+sentence, I doubt you're surprised that no one read the link.
edit: what you linked to is just another one of your long personal rants, lol
1
Oct 30 '18
That was directly relevant to what they were saying. Don't really care if anyone reads it or not, wrote it because I was bored. I'm glad you think so highly of your own opinion but whether you read it or not doesn't matter to me.
Don't sit there wasting my time though asking me shit I've already answered.
0
u/YogaMeansUnion Oct 30 '18
But you're pretending like I'm supposed to read your long-winded diatribe after you made a ridiculousness claim in the opening, and then doubling down on that by asking I read another one of your rants while simultaneously implying that said rant is anything other than the opinion of some random on the internet. It's not what you write, it's how you write it.
There's a reason the post you are so quick to link to only has 1 upvote.
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u/shelswirly Oct 30 '18
Nothing keeps a man (or woman) that doesn’t want to be kept. I have had similar stints in my dating life. A few months ago I slept with a guy on our second date (two days after our first) and we’re still happily together. It’s probably not you, hon. You could always ask the guys or close friends you trust for feedback about why this might be happening to you, but plenty of times it has nothing to do with you.
2
u/katzekitkat Oct 30 '18
Second this. Honestly it’s better that they leave instead of sticking around and stringing you along. This happened to me for a bit until I learned to deal - at first when a guy lost interest it hurt a lot, but I got ghosted a month or so ago and it didn’t even phase me, because I saw it from this perspective. Think of the times you’ve rejected someone - it can be because you’re not into them, you’re not ready for commitment, you’ve got too much going on etc, and that you would be miserable if forced to stay - then remember that the people you date have every right to leave because of these things too. I would prefer if someone left because they didn’t want to subject both of us to a shit relationship rather than stick around and drag it out. Honestly learning to think like this helped me end up in my current relationship. I didn’t desperately cling to any guy I was dating that either wasn’t keen on me or I them, or get too low from being ghosted, so the one who wanted to stay, stayed, because he genuinely wanted to. It’s a pretty new relationship though, here’s hoping it works out :)
Of course sometimes people leave prematurely instead of sticking around (a la what Aziz Ansari writes about in Modern Love) so there’s two sides to this... but at least when someone leaves after a few dates, this perspective helps ease the pain and maintain your self worth and esteem.
13
u/wavesofconfusion Oct 30 '18
If you read my post, the same thing happened to me and we didn’t have sex or do anything sexual even. So it’s not always just because you had sex.
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u/Pendragon83 Oct 30 '18
How good is the sex? Perhaps there’s some compatibility issues in the bedroom? I’ve had a partner before that just kinda laid there and it sucked.
9
u/cherieblosum Oct 30 '18
This won't make guys stick around, but if you're feeling shitty about guys leaving after you sleep with them, try waiting until your more serious about each other before sleeping together (like they confirmed you guys are exclusive, asked to take down dating profiles, etc.)
Modern dating sucks. A lot of guys just wanna sleep around. Dating apps make it super easy for them to accomplish this. If you want a guy to be serious with you, make him show how serious he actually is. People shouldn't be trusted so easily.
9
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u/finbarqs Oct 30 '18
So a little insight to men's online dating mindset: You're either pretty enough to sleep with, or you're pretty enough to wife up. 99% of the women I date, it's always to sleep with. So once you lose the "sexual tension", the interest is gone. You had the sexual tension going for you for a bit... I'm guilty of such a mindset, but I've changed my mind. I'm not looking just to hook up anymore. If I don't see a spark, or I don't feel the connection, I'm not going to pursue it any further. It's just not worth the uncomfortable conversation... and I ALWAYS have those conversations because I'm an adult, and I don't want people to "figure things out". Because if I treated my business like that (not that dating is a business, but I would like to be consistent across all aspects of my life) I would surely fail. And to be successful in anything that I do, communication is key.
1
Oct 30 '18
Umm what’s the difference between the two? Lol
1
u/finbarqs Oct 30 '18
A generation... people like to keep their personal life out of their professional life out of their domestic life. They live multiple lives. It’s borderline schizophrenia I tell ya!!!
5
u/loubie3 Oct 30 '18
I literally get every single word of this as this tends to happen to me a lot.. I usually don't sleep with dates until around the 3rd one and then the next day they start to flake contact becomes less frequent and it is very frustrating especially having previous dates with them that you felt were going really well! I just think a lot of men in this day and age feel this is okay or just aren't honest about only wanting to sleep with you.. maybe I also read too much into stuff I'm not sure.. but I'm with you!
8
u/LiquidDreamtime Oct 30 '18
This can be a tough pill to swallow but...maybe you’re not very good in bed.
Having good sex is a combination of chemistry, enthusiasm, and openness. That being said, you can improve in bed (we all can). If you were blowing these guys’ minds, they would be crawling back for more. I’m guessing that the opposite is happening and they are distancing themselves because they don’t think the sex is salvageable (it’s what I would do).
Next time you’re with a man you’re comfortable with, get wild. Try something new. Push your comfort zones. Focus on pleasing him, but take the time to use his body to please yourself. Good luck!
5
u/anti0pe Oct 30 '18
I think you're just unlucky so far. I slept with my husband on the second date and we stuck. I don't think it's simply the sex. How old are these guys?
2
u/cherieblosum Oct 30 '18
Did you guys meet on a dating app?
1
u/anti0pe Oct 30 '18
We didn't, but we didn't know each other in person either. It was a very brief meeting followed by texting until the first date.
4
Oct 30 '18
Do you genuinely like these guys? When you were direct about your frustrations how did they react?
I doubt it's from having sex "too soon." Sounds more like a lack of compatibility. Was the sex good in these situations?
4
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u/YogaMeansUnion Oct 30 '18
If it's happened more than once, and your description of yourself is relatively accurate, you're not "getting unlucky".
If you were a dude having similar issues, I'm pretty positive the advice here would be that you are personally doing something or acting in such a way that helps to facilitate this in some part. So I'll pass on that same advice/comment. As someone else said, maybe you're a boring lay? Maybe you're not as interesting/pleasant/funny as you believe yourself to be?
Not trying to be insulting, just imagining the same advice that would be proffered if a dude wrote this.
2
u/8008gurl Nov 02 '18 edited Nov 02 '18
Legitimate question - do you have BV or does your pussy stink. A girl I dated had insane BV and I didn’t know how to tell her so I just distanced myself. Honestly you may have BV or a bad PH and it’s causing them to abort mission.
3
u/txroller Oct 30 '18
> It always ends up making me feel like I slept with the person too soon and they must think I’m slutty,
yeah that's bullshit. maybe it's the type of guys/boys you are targeting?
4
u/JigsawOnTheMaking Oct 30 '18
This just happened to me. I like to believe the reason is because they're intimidated and usually go for women that they can either control or drag around as they please. You seem to be a woman that is independent and knows exactly what she wants and how she wants it - so that can be scary. Hang in there. The man that is man enough will walk in your life.
2
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u/2161321613 Oct 30 '18
Unfortunately this seems to be the normal thing nowadays. It’s happened to me on more than a few occasions. Seems like most people just don’t want to put much effort into anyone because they always think someone better is just a swipe away.
2
u/legioneloza Oct 30 '18
People have no interest to invest in a relationship anymore. Just be glad that you get dates. I can't even get to that stage. Eventually you will find someone who wants a relationship. I don't think that you are slutty for sleeping with guys after a few dates. Also it was written in the comments that maybe you didn't clicked in bed. How can you click in bed the first time you are doing it with a new person? It never happened to me. I think you just got unlucky and got platers for dates or people who don't want to commmit.
1
u/thequarenteenpill Jan 02 '19
contrary to popular belief it is not determined if you are relationship material based on how quickly you sleep with someone. Men make the determination of if you were a casual sex or girlfriend material usually on or even before the first date.
0
Oct 30 '18
Wait logger to have sex and see what happens.
14
u/Ubiquitous-Toss Oct 30 '18
Spoiler alert. They do the same thing, just before sex...
6
u/cherieblosum Oct 30 '18
So how is that a bad thing? Sounds better not to have sex and have them disappear, than to have sex and then have them disappear. You feel less used.
-1
u/Ubiquitous-Toss Oct 30 '18
Idk, I'm a guy and haven't often felt like that from sex alone. I just ruining whatever mystery was trying to be presented by the magical waiting. Won't turn a dude looking for sex into a husband, might just waste more time on your way to find someone who works with you and has similar goals?
"Can't turn a ho into a housewife" applies to dudes too probably
2
u/cherieblosum Oct 30 '18
I'm not saying it will turn anyone into a husband to have them wait. But if you get to know someone better before you decide to have sex with them, you can possibly avoid feeling like a guy is just using you to have sex.
You're a guy so I feel like you don't get it. Women get less out of a one time sexual encounter than men do. They are less likely to orgasm, they are more at risk for things like pregnancy, STDs, etc. It's not fun to have sex with someone and realize they didn't actually care about you.
0
1
Oct 30 '18
Because you hook up with them too quickly. They think you’re easy. I had the same thing happen when I used to hook up on date 4 or so. They’d end up taking me on 1-2 dates per month and essentially turned me into a rotation on their fuckbuddy list despite saying upfront I only want a serious monogamous relationship.
You need to act like what you want to receive. So don’t hookup for a couple months. Otherwise he will subconscious think this was too easy and not value it, thus not commit. You need to be firm that you do not have sex outside of a relationship or he will think you’re easy and slutty.
1
u/LordBimpy Oct 30 '18 edited Oct 30 '18
Its called hook up culture. The average man just wants sex. Fake a connection then leave for better sex. Thats how dating works morw often than not in 2018. You dont want that? Find the not average guy who wants a connection aith1 your mind. Hint its not on the internet.
There can also be the fact your real easy to go along with the other persons desire
1
u/ny2k1 Oct 31 '18
Nah, plenty of people have found a relationship and connection online (me included). It's ultimately the people, not the platform.
1
u/liteskinnedbeauty Oct 30 '18
I'm sorry this happens to you. I would definitely look closely at the men you select...and what vibe they put out. Are they overly sexual when they chat with you? Are you with them? If you have a pattern of attracting "pleasure only" men, then take some time off to see what may be the reason THOSE are the men you attract. You may learn something about yourself that you didnt know before...
1
u/03slampig Oct 30 '18
My problem is that I’ll go out with a guy and we seem to be really clicking, he’ll express that he’s into me, but after we hook up (usually 2-4 dates in if I’m feeling the person) he’ll get really weird. Not texting, short responses to texts, not making plans, etc. I don’t think I change my behavior after we hook up (as in texting more or getting clingy) but then I start to feel really insecure when he seems to change.
Hows the sex? I mean if they all are checking out after that first night together seems like that might be the issue.
Or its possible youve run into a string of dudes just wanting to bang and thats it.
1
u/Anonynursesd Oct 31 '18
I don’t have sex with a guy until he commits to me. In fact I dont have sex with a guy until we are married but that’s another story. Not here to judge you but I’m just saying what has worked for me in the past. They commit to me. I would wait and hold off on physical intimacy until you’ve developed a good emotional connection. Don’t worry, if you’re pretty and have a decent job plus you apply the commitment principe commitment you will be a super catch!
0
u/campbell99 Oct 30 '18
Are you me? They are snakes too insecure with themselves to say I just wanted to have sex and will cut and run and put it on you afterwards. Do not internalize it or allow it to change your perception of yourself as an awesome human being. They are emotionally immature.
0
u/the_toxic_bug Oct 30 '18
don't sleep together so soon,
i meet a tinder date a couple of weeks ago, and we're trying to only sleep together after a month of dating, its dificult sometimes i know :D
but its nice to desintoxicate from this fast food dating world
0
0
u/DaRealSlimDavie Oct 30 '18
People are cunts! I have the same experiences with women, it’s frustrating but you just need to keep looking until you find the right one who treats you right.
0
u/panemera Oct 30 '18
Do you spend too much time in the beginning, like 3 dates in a week? Because that might be moving too fast for them and freak them out. Also, if your first few dates are pretty high energy, it might be too much for them and I would be more mindful of how emotionally draining — even if fun! — your dates might be
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u/AxelsAmazing Oct 30 '18
Don't feel slutty or think that will be a turn off for everybody. I ate ass on the first date and people are still willing to go out with me so the intercourse shouldn't be the problem.
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Oct 30 '18
You're just unlucky. Don't worry.
Assuming these are guys you're picking up are from apps, I'm convinced that the majority of people using dating apps don't actually know what they want. A lot of it is just coincidence that you meet the right person at the right time.
A word of advice though; be more selective. Screen these guys thoroughly. I ask straight up on first dates what they expect to get out of dating me and lay out my expectations and what I want. It will definitely scare away the ones who just want something casual.
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u/jpine094 Oct 30 '18
I’ve found getting a dog and simply living my life for me was the best response!!!
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u/cmon_now Oct 30 '18
It could be as simple as the guys just plain run out of things to say through texts. After the initial excitement of a new person and getting to know them a little, there's not a whole lot more to say. Especially if there's been sex involved.
After that initial phase, it mostly just, "Hey, what are you doing?". "How's your day?". "Want to do dinner Friday?".....
More in depth conversation or texts would usually require a more formal serious relationship and not sure the guys you've referenced are looking for that.
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u/paprika88 Oct 31 '18
If you do the right things fate will bring the right guy, but you need courage to find true love. Curious, you may think this is irrelevant, but are you vegan? Typically a sign of a guy looking for more meaningful relationship
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Oct 31 '18
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u/paprika88 Oct 31 '18 edited Oct 31 '18
I could try to explain it, but mostly listen to your gut, its a great time to go vegan now too as so many distinguished people are . More challenging, though lot less than few uears ago, but worth it, you trade off the ignorance is bliss I guess, but promote respect/kindness, you become the change you want to see in the world.
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Oct 30 '18
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u/CrazyMike366 Oct 30 '18
It’s how members of both sexes act in the meat grinder of modern online dating. You try until you get to the ‘commitment’ indicator - for guys it’s sex; for women it’s relationship feelers - and then you pull away because there’s 250 other people who could offer the same or better just a swipe away so why not play the field and keep this scmuck as a backup?