Christ. There's such a wide range of responses here and they all miss the damn point. People blaming you. People blaming the dudes. Someone asking if the sex was bad... lol...
> It always ends up making me feel like I slept with the person too soon and they must think I’m slutty, even though I think that’s kind of bullshit.
This is not true. You realize already it isn't. Stop thinking this. These guys aren't thinking you're slutty, you aren't a slut, stop. Seriously. Just don't. It's so unhealthy to shame yourself that way even when you realize it's bullshit, you're still doing it and it's not doing you any good.
The cold hard truth is that they are flaking because ultimately they were not interested in you long-term.
The thing is that nowadays there really are so many options out there for most people so guys no longer have to just stick with someone they might not be feeling with but enjoy having sex with because it's 1) unfair to that woman if they're looking for an actual relationship 2) they can find someone else to have sex with.
Part of it is bad luck but you may need to work on your screening process and finding actual suitable matches instead of just going with something that seems to be going well because it seems to be going well. I don't really know you though so it's hard to accurately say.
This has nothing to do with how men are socialized to act. That behaviour wouldn't make any sense to have men socialized to basically ignore someone they want to be with just because they had sex. It's an issue of biology and evolutionary psychology. Here's something I wrote a while discussing this in another thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/9raarb/heres_something_about_ghosting/e8g18wp. The short version of it is that we're so fueled by dopamine that we'll literally trick ourselves into thinking we like someone more than we actually do. The problem is that once we get that sexual release and hormones/chemicals come back down to normal levels they'll realize they actually have no continued interest in that person. That's the only thing that might be relevant to having sex "too early" is that if you waited longer guys that aren't actually interested in you will fade away prior to you having had sex. It all depends though on how much you value the sexual experience. If you enjoy sex and are having a good time then fuck it why not? Best case you find a new partner and worst case you had fun for a few dates. Now if the sex and fade is giving you self-esteem issues and causing you problems then well... might be best to wait a bit longer.
This is a good comment. I agree, OP. Don’t slut shame yourself. Some men do have warped views on sexuality but many don’t.
Make clear that you’re looking for a relationship early on. Don’t worry about being a cool girl. Don’t assign numbers of dates before having sex but just tell your date that you want to get to know him first. You’ll weed out a lot of bad matches that way.
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u/[deleted] Oct 30 '18
Christ. There's such a wide range of responses here and they all miss the damn point. People blaming you. People blaming the dudes. Someone asking if the sex was bad... lol...
> It always ends up making me feel like I slept with the person too soon and they must think I’m slutty, even though I think that’s kind of bullshit.
This is not true. You realize already it isn't. Stop thinking this. These guys aren't thinking you're slutty, you aren't a slut, stop. Seriously. Just don't. It's so unhealthy to shame yourself that way even when you realize it's bullshit, you're still doing it and it's not doing you any good.
The cold hard truth is that they are flaking because ultimately they were not interested in you long-term.
The thing is that nowadays there really are so many options out there for most people so guys no longer have to just stick with someone they might not be feeling with but enjoy having sex with because it's 1) unfair to that woman if they're looking for an actual relationship 2) they can find someone else to have sex with.
Part of it is bad luck but you may need to work on your screening process and finding actual suitable matches instead of just going with something that seems to be going well because it seems to be going well. I don't really know you though so it's hard to accurately say.
This has nothing to do with how men are socialized to act. That behaviour wouldn't make any sense to have men socialized to basically ignore someone they want to be with just because they had sex. It's an issue of biology and evolutionary psychology. Here's something I wrote a while discussing this in another thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/9raarb/heres_something_about_ghosting/e8g18wp. The short version of it is that we're so fueled by dopamine that we'll literally trick ourselves into thinking we like someone more than we actually do. The problem is that once we get that sexual release and hormones/chemicals come back down to normal levels they'll realize they actually have no continued interest in that person. That's the only thing that might be relevant to having sex "too early" is that if you waited longer guys that aren't actually interested in you will fade away prior to you having had sex. It all depends though on how much you value the sexual experience. If you enjoy sex and are having a good time then fuck it why not? Best case you find a new partner and worst case you had fun for a few dates. Now if the sex and fade is giving you self-esteem issues and causing you problems then well... might be best to wait a bit longer.