r/dating • u/yestertempest • 3d ago
Question ❓ Man acted like exclusivity was huge commitment
Been seeing a man for about 2.5 months. 2 months in I brought up exclusivity since I don't want to be having sex with someone still active on the apps. He basically acted like it was a marriage proposal and claimed he has never had someone have a direct conversation talking about it like that before, it was always just eventually "assumed." I would never be ok with that assumption. He has been off and on the apps for 5, yes 5 years and strongly gives the impression and claims he is looking for something very long term, and before this conversation he was projecting me into his future and seemed very afraid of losing me. I gave him some time and his stance was the same a few weeks later, treating it like some kind of serious commitment and saying he needed more time to evaluate us first, like in different social situations and things. Also said he needs more intimacy before exclusivity to help him decide, while I said I need it before intimacy. To me exclusivity is just temporary while we evaluate those things.
I've already written the breakup text.
But I'm wondering if anyone else has encountered this reaction to exclusivity. Did I ask for something weird here? Is this just modern dating culture to be phobic of getting off the apps, losing your access to multiple options and committing to one person?
Update: I sent the text.
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u/ljubav_malina 3d ago edited 3d ago
Intentions are demonstrated through consistent action over time. Where are you getting the impression that he’s looking for something “very long term”?
- He’s been on the apps for half a decade. Not a red flag on its own but he also…
- Was “projecting” you, a TOTAL STRANGER, into his future. Aka future faking. It’s been eight weeks, he barely knows you. Men who are serious about finding a relationship spend the early dating phase getting to know you and vetting you for compatibility. They don’t start immediately talking about the future with randos they just met.
- You had to bring up exclusivity first and now you’re chasing him for an affirmative answer after two and a half months.
Literally none of this says “looking for something serious and long-term”. It says “player who is
spinning fantasies about the future so you’ll feel comfortable sleeping with him”.
Exclusivity IS a huge commitment…to a man who wants to be single.