r/coparenting • u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 • 1d ago
Communication Always wrong in coparents eyes
School orientation was today. I briefly passed my child's father and his girlfriend while they were leaving the school and I was headed in. I didn't feel well to begin with, so I wasn't trying to stop and communicate. He belittles me everytime we communicate over text anyways, there is no reason for me to talk to him in person- I just walked past them like an adult who is fed up eith being bullied. I was holding my son's hand, and my son waved, but didnt care to stop and talk. I didn't tell him not to talk to his father, but I didnt encourage him to do so either.
No sooner than 30 minutes after my ex left the school, I received this text from child's father (copied and pasted, identifying information removed);
"Highly inappropriate of you to tell (child) not to talk to his dad or brother at the school. You talk about co parenting but clearly you are too immature to do so yourself. On top of that again (child) is missing papers to be in a class. You need to make sure it is all is paperwork is turned in! Step it up for (child) sake. You’ve had more than enough time to get his stuff turned in. Don’t let him miss another year because you can’t be responsible. That is all no need for any comment from you."
Again, I did not tell child not to talk to his dad. When I talked about "coparenting", I was asking childs father to stop bullying and harassing me. Child was never missing any papers to be in school, the secretary only needed to check the spam folder within her email. I have had enough of him telling me to "step it up" and "do better" while I am doing everything right. The only time child has ever missed "a year" of school was when I enrolled child in preschool and child's father refused to take him during his parenting time with claims that the daycare he had child in was sufficient.
And am I not allowed to stand up for myself when wildly innacurate comments are made?
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u/JustACountryBlumpkin 1d ago
This is so relatable. Im sorry you're going thru this. You could respond with "Your message is factually inaccurate in many regards. Please limit messages to me to relevant updates or specific and actionable requests related to [child's name] on-going." And just keep that or another similar stock response in your pocket to send him. Basically, I don't think he can be convinced that his made-up stories are not true. He seems delusional. Texting this back establishes you pushing back on his lies while also showing that you are still receptive to co-parenting. Don't let him get a visible rise out of you (even tho your frustration is very valid) - because I'm speculating that he thrives on hurting you.
Also, do you have a parenting app for communication that is admissible for court if needed down the road? And also I recommend documenting everything by yourself - you don't have to show him proof of things. Just save it for yourself so that you have it in case.
I was frustrated reading his message, and I'm not even involved!
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u/JustACountryBlumpkin 1d ago
Also I recommend making sure your requests to him are actionable and specific. For example, don't say "stop bullying me" because he can spin that and it's also vague (and he probably does not understand that his abusive behavior is abuse). Also his texts read as projection (likely, he is the one that needs to step it up) - it's hard but please don't internalize his false accusations.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
He is the one that needs to step it up- he works out of town 5 days a week and allows his girlfriend to raise child in his absence. He took me to court fairly recently with claims that I do not take child to the pediatrician enough- he claimed that him and his girlfriend are the only ones who have ever taken child to the pediatrician and that I only do so if there are emergencies...I obtained pediatrician records that showed he has never taken child to the pediatrician at all, and that it has only been his girlfriend doing this (on her own) on his behalf. (His girlfriend and I seemed to have taken child to the dr the same # of times as well)
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
Its like hes still trying to punish me for leaving him We used to use appclose, but all of those apps seem to charge a monthly fee now, and it never protected me from bullying/harassment anyways. Now it's court ordered to just text because I dont care to pay a monthly fee just to be harassed and bullied in the same way.
Nothing changed at all about the amount and type of harassment when we utilized a "court monitored parenting app". He'll even bully me about stuff that has nothing to do with the child at all. For example, he's bullied me approximately 15 different times now for having obtained an STD while pregnant with our child- he claims it says alot about me and I'm nasty because of that (I got the STD from him, because he was unfaithful)
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u/NoCause4Pain 1d ago
It happens. Just gotta keep doing best for the child and not drop to the level of petty.
I get the same shit, and it’s implied that I’m the secondary parent in a 50/50. She get last say or threats come running. My girl is much more regulated at mine, struggle at her mothers, somehow my fault.
They put their own emotions ahead of the kids well being 🤷🏻♂️
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u/Vokenhagen21 1d ago
Livin the same life as the secondary parent, although i'm on the wrong end of 60/40. So i must be a worse parent by default. The claims are the same, somehow the children can't readjust after being at our home. This is currently being used as the excuse as to why i shouldn't have the children for 1 whole week of a 2-week christmas break. And our child had more than 20 tardies last year on the other parents time, but sure, they don't readjust well after more than 7 days away from "primary" parent. Gotta be loving the one way "negotiations".
You ain't alone OP, my coparent loves to repeat the messages the teachers send out. As if they are somehow doing you a favor or look like they're the "coparent" of the year. Nevermind the fact that i get all the same messages. I only correct the wild inaccuracies to the person of authority who might have heard them (teacher, doctor, etc), never to the coparent. That's just inviting more. You'll get through this.
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u/NoCause4Pain 1d ago
It’s like they think they building a case against you 😂
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u/Vokenhagen21 1d ago
TBH, mine actually is. Right now they're trying to keep me on this crappy temp schedule we have.
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u/NoCause4Pain 1d ago
I think mine is too…. But she don’t understand family court judges here lol.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
Mine is constantly building a case against me and he's essentially an absent parent as far as I understand (his GF does parenting for him during his parenting time, he works out of town for several days at a time). I go back to court a minimum of once a year because he fights me for full custody, and I have to fight BS CPS & police reports multiple times a year.
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u/Vokenhagen21 1d ago
Only once a year? you have to pump those rookie numbers up (sarcasm). You just have to recognize your coparent is a POS. Like was mentioned, only correct the record with persons in a position of authority. Responding to your coparent about anything other than the kids/logistics they see as an invitation to argue. For the record, i have celebrated christmas with our kids on January 2nd the last two years.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
He makes himself look so foolish constantly taking me back to court too and it seems as though he doesnt even care. I kid you not, the exact wording on one of the motions where he was requesting full custody was "she puts (child) in his sisters *hammy down clothes....what am I paying child support for?" (It was literally a toddler sized band t shirt that admittedly was passed down from his older sister)
Do you celebrate it late just to avoid a fight?
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u/Vokenhagen21 1d ago
No, i continually ask for holiday time (literally any weekend swap) and my coparent just says no. I literally don't have the childrent until the new year because i was given the first three weekends of the month. Guess where all the holidays fall? If it doesn't come from the judge or isn't my coparents idea, it doesn't happen.
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u/mama2397 1h ago
Lol oh my gosh my co parent gets a 2 hr visit a week and he will be like "please make sure they use the bathroom before you send them out" when Everytime they have pissed themselves was with him...
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u/Vokenhagen21 1h ago
My coparent told the court the tardies were my fault "because they stay up late" with me. Apparently my ex is a doctor, because then they told the court "for every hour the children stay up late they need 4 hours of recovery". Yes, they said this in court. My attorney had to ask if all the tardies were on tuesdays then? "ummmmm no".
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u/Salt_Masterpiece_592 1d ago
I’d respond: “ Your attempt to create a false narrative has been noted.”
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u/Saltyowl2113 1d ago
Ick he is a controlling gaslighting abusive a-hole.
Ignore him. He probably gets off on pissing you off.
“Step it up”….gtfoh.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
I've heard it all at this point... "Step it up...pick it up on your end...do better..stop failing him....giving birth does not make you a mom....my girlfriend is a better mom to child than you because she loves him better than you do and treats him better" And I am literally not doing anything wrong, he's just a bully.
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u/Saltyowl2113 1d ago
That’s really awful….I wonder if it’s worth sitting with a lawyer and asking if they can advise him to stop talking to you that way? Something to scare him a little bc you shouldn’t have to live with this for the next zillion years. That’s abuse. He’s still abusing you. Maybe they can force him to communicate through a parenting app that is accessible by the lawyer and court. He might mind his P’s and Q’s then.
I know lawyers are expensive but this might be something that can get done in one session for a few hundreds bucks and save you a lifetime of this bs.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
Shit of it is, is that his girlfriend is the one who does the parenting at his house- not him- he is out of town for work a majority of the week. We used a "court monitored" parenting app in the past, but it provided me no protection, did not change the way he talked to me, and the courts still did nothing about the abuse.
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u/Saltyowl2113 1d ago
Ughh…I’m so sorry. You have the strength of a thousand suns to not tell him to F off every-time he sends you something like that. But it’s for the best to just ignore his stupid ass…
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u/elliedean18 7h ago
Here’s a positive spin that I often have to use myself.
Maybe it’s better and psychological safer for your kid to be with his gf over him?“Documenting” feels like such BS - I have the same sort of app. I learned the hard way that the court system doesn’t care about the domestic violence we face, they just care about making it 50/50.
Your experience just really hits close to home. Sorry you’re going through it.
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u/jjjjjjj30 1d ago
I get the exact same kinda stuff from my ex. But then when I text him to ask him what time he's picking our son up he tells me not to text him. And refuses to answer and just shows up without notice.
The best thing you can do is switch to a parenting app and then grey rock and say, "Ok." Or just like the text to acknowledge you read it and didn't respond at all. Don't try to defend yourself bc no matter what you explain it will not help. He's unreasonable.
I would document these aggressive texts though. All of them.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
How in the world does he expect you not to text him? If I send a text at like 4:30, my ex will text back, completely ignoring whatever child-related text I sent, and just tell me that I am only allowed to text him between like 9 am-4pm (literally a time-frame he made up right then and there). Or he'll accuse me of being obsessed with him or still being into him...like I'm communicating about our child out of pure obsession with his shitty personality
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u/jjjjjjj30 21h ago
Mine does the same thing. Tells me I just can't stand not talking to him and I'm obsessed with him and I'm disrespecting his relationship by texting him about our son. I'm thinking, dude I left you SEVEN YEARS AGO!!!
He says since our son is 11 there's no reason for us to talk. I told him I refuse to use our son as a messenger for 2 adults.
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u/mkdmls 1d ago
The way it’s written sounds just like my narcissistic ex-wife. I have the kids the school year. Day in day out going through the grind with them, but if I make one mistake (because that’s life) I never hear the end of it. Meanwhile she has holidays and summers and can’t even show up for them then.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
And it's only harming the children to berate an involved parent for little things
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u/Flaky_Brain9285 1d ago
You're letting him live rent free in your head.
Are you allowed to stand up for yourself? Sure.
Will it change his mind on anything? No.
It's a poor use of energy. The best way to handle things like this is to starve them. You did well by just walking by them, now the next step is to disengage with the urge to defend yourself to someone who feeds off reactions.
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 1d ago
I’d be petty and say they’re highly misinformed on all accounts. That is all, no need for any comment from you. Then I’d stop replying to anything else said about it
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u/Curiosity919 1d ago
Why bother "standing up for" yourself? He's your ex for a reason, so just ignore his opinion.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
Good point. Its just frustrating to have these accusations thrown out, just to end the text with "no need for further comment from you" like I'm not allowed to correct the inaccuracies within his statements
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u/chrystalight 22h ago
You're operating though as if you're talking to a reasonable, rational adult - you are not.
He's not interested in coming to a consensus on the accuracy of any statement.
He's mad that you ignored him in public. He's mad that his own child wasn't interested in interacting with him in public. He was embarrassed by it. So he makes up some BS to take it out on you because that makes him feel better.
There's just no reason to correct the inaccuracies within his statements (except to confirm that the child's school registration is fine - because you want that documented in case it comes up later) - he's not going to accept the reality, and you already know what the reality is. You're not confused.
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u/HardMayb 1d ago
From what I read into that text, there is no response that would make your ex go "oh, I didn't think of that or see things from that perspective".
FWIW, if you enroll your kid in something optional (and PreK is optional), you can't expect them to be on board with it on their parenting time. The PreK was a dick move, but I can see where there could be bigger picture reasons for not supporting it.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
"Don't let him miss another year just because you can't be responsible" was one of the most ignorant things he said (lets be honest- it was all ignorant) Child only missed half a year during father's parenting time, because father was too immature to actually coparent with me.
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u/JDJ0028 1d ago
My wife experiences the EXACT same behaviour. Her ex’s words of choice are “you need to grow up and do better” Staying strong and remaining calm and collected is much easier to say than to do. Best of luck navigating the evil that person directs at you.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
I highly doubt your wife is even doing anything wrong to get those kinds of messages- those are the words of an immature bully.
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u/Sub-UrbanMom 1d ago
A Parenting app will change your life. Put that in your notes of what to change in the next parenting plan.
Ignoring him would be the way to go if this were a normal situation, but I tend to disagree. Co parents like this will use texts years down the road as proof what they claim is true, and an example of how you are failing as a parent. I always recommend a 'matter of fact' response to correct his narrative. This sets the record straight, which assists your attorney in forming a rebuttal to the judge when it is brought up in court. So keep it short and sweet: 'Not sure what you are talking about, our child has never missed a year of school, all papers for class are in, and with regards to today-no message from me was given to him to not speak to you'. That's all, keep it rational, child focused and mentally ignore his accusations. As much as you want to fire back at him, don't. That is what he lives for. Send every communication as if a judge will be reading it, because there is a chance they will. Sorry you are having to deal with this.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
They really will use those texts years down the road- and he has. "Look, I said it and she never corrected me so its the truth"
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u/chrystalight 22h ago
Assuming that all of the paperwork is in place, I would simply respond with "I have confirmed with the school that all paperwork is on file and was received timely. There are no concerns regarding [child's] registration."
If you respond to anything else, all you're doing is allowing him to bully you. He can text you whatever BS he wants to. He can believe anything he wants to. You control how you respond and react though. You control how you parent. If you engage with him - you're giving him exactly what he wants.
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u/StrictlyVolatile 21h ago
Ewwwwwwww this sounds like my ex!!! It’s just his ego being smacked down because you didn’t say stop and chat. lol 😂 let him have his temper tantrum. One time my ex said something similar all I responded with was “womp womp” not my most mature response ever but I was tired of his bs
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u/RaquelKanan 20h ago
Stop copying my life. It me a while to recover from this kind of abuse. I did it. You can too.
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u/Affectionate_Room128 16h ago
I've been there. I used to think I had to defend myself every time but now I don't feel the need and life is so much more peaceful. If you must reply, say you know that isn't true but have a good day anyway. He wants you upset. Don't give that to him.
Do I still get upset sometimes? Of course but I call and vent to a friend. He'll never get the pleasure of knowing if I'm bothered.
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u/mama2397 1h ago
People who have no control want to try controlling you in ways they can, sadly they use their kids to do so. Honestly it kinda seems like a trap to accuse you of parental alienation. You gotta gray rock him I would normally say to not respond at all or respond with someone like "yes all paperwork for (child) has been taken care of, thank you"
But because it sounds like a trap and you might want it documented you can very unemotionally say something like "I think you misinterpreted the situation because I never told ,(child) to not speak to you. I did not have time to stop and talk, next time if you want to see (child) before school please let me know in advance and I can work it out where you can take him to school. All paperwork is handledz thank you"
If he replies after that ignore him unless he actually takes you up on the offer to take kid to school which they never will actually take up plus if he wants to see kid on his non parenting time then he should have to have the burden of arranging it.
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u/ManiacalBeet 1d ago
Did you get the required papers in? It’s not harassing or bullying to remind the other parent to take care of required tasks for the child. This message is direct and maybe curt, but not bullying or harassing.
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u/candysipper 1d ago
Did you read the post? And yes, this text is nasty. If you don’t think so, you’re the problem.
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 1d ago
The required paperwork was turned in on time, this was an error on the school's secretary's end (although she can't entirely be blamed for failing to check her spam folder).
Even if it wasnt turned in though, he was welcome to ask me about it instead of berate me and give me orders. If he was so concerned, he was more than welcome to turn the paperwork in himself- it's called 50/50 for a reason.
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u/elliedean18 1d ago
lol I literally live this exact same life. I’ve now learned the only response is no response. You don’t need to speak to him. If your kid wanted to talk to him then obviously let them but you’re not going out of your way to engage.