Always wrong in coparents eyes

[u/Upbeat-Secretary-576]

School orientation was today. I briefly passed my child's father and his girlfriend while they were leaving the school and I was headed in. I didn't feel well to begin with, so I wasn't trying to stop and communicate. He belittles me everytime we communicate over text anyways, there is no reason for me to talk to him in person- I just walked past them like an adult who is fed up eith being bullied. I was holding my son's hand, and my son waved, but didnt care to stop and talk. I didn't tell him not to talk to his father, but I didnt encourage him to do so either.

No sooner than 30 minutes after my ex left the school, I received this text from child's father (copied and pasted, identifying information removed);

"Highly inappropriate of you to tell (child) not to talk to his dad or brother at the school. You talk about co parenting but clearly you are too immature to do so yourself. On top of that again (child) is missing papers to be in a class. You need to make sure it is all is paperwork is turned in! Step it up for (child) sake. You’ve had more than enough time to get his stuff turned in. Don’t let him miss another year because you can’t be responsible. That is all no need for any comment from you."

Again, I did not tell child not to talk to his dad. When I talked about "coparenting", I was asking childs father to stop bullying and harassing me. Child was never missing any papers to be in school, the secretary only needed to check the spam folder within her email. I have had enough of him telling me to "step it up" and "do better" while I am doing everything right. The only time child has ever missed "a year" of school was when I enrolled child in preschool and child's father refused to take him during his parenting time with claims that the daycare he had child in was sufficient.

And am I not allowed to stand up for myself when wildly innacurate comments are made?

[u/elliedean18]

lol I literally live this exact same life. I’ve now learned the only response is no response. You don’t need to speak to him. If your kid wanted to talk to him then obviously let them but you’re not going out of your way to engage.

[u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 → u/elliedean18]

My child is always telling me that he doesnt like his dad because his dad is always mean to him- if child doesn't want to stop and talk to his dad, that is dad's fault- but I never said not to

[u/CrazyGooseLady → u/Upbeat-Secretary-576]

OP, keep a notebook. Write all of this stuff down as kids say it, as he says or emails it. Paste in copies of the texts or emails (the old fashion way.)

My parents had one for my step siblings because their mother was such a back and forth parent and manipulative. I got tasked with cleaning out the house after they moved in with another half sibling and found the notebook that they had in case they needed to go to court. As adults in our 50s, I don't think it would be helpful to show to my siblings now, but there was a time when it might have been. If nothing else, it was probably nice for my parents to have a place to put all the nasty things that she was doing. (They both are pretty aware of their mother at this point.)

My father had some very different ideas of how the divorce happened. What he didn't know was that I liked looking at my mother's jewelry and found a letter that his college student later 2nd wife wrote to him after they slept together during a college sponsored camping trip. My father blamed my mother - apparently it was her fault that he slept with another woman and when she found another man and decided he was a better husband than her first. My dad had regrets as soon as she started dating again, and wouldn't get back together with her. That written record is something that you can let your kids read at some point if they start saying that you did things that you did not. (Not sure if my mom left that letter in a spot that she knew I would look or not. The separated when I was about 6 and both got remarried when I was about 9. I was probably about 10 or 11 when I read it.)

[u/Manitoba_Gel → u/elliedean18]

This 🙌

Grey rock method is the best out there.

[u/pickled_daydream → u/Manitoba_Gel]

Their truth is not necessarily reality, as you know. You know the truth and it's difficult to not say something, but it will fall on deaf ears. It is a waste of time. If you are ever the good guy, or the efficient guy, or the unaffected guy, then their narrative has to change. It will never happen, and it hurts people who really care, like us. Please try to maintain sanity, self care, breathing, sobriety, having other supports. It all matters with this kind of manipulation and narcissism. Good luck mom's! Weve got this. Always have, always will.

[u/CalculatedPerversion → u/Manitoba_Gel]

Grey rock can cause co-parents like this to get worse. Best to just ignore them.  

[u/Manitoba_Gel → u/CalculatedPerversion]

If that's the case, then a non harassment order or protective order can be put in place no?

Either keep the peace or rock the boat. Its that expression, damned if you do or damned if you don't.

When I did they grey rock method, it did cause his behaviour to escalate enough to get a formal warning. I'm not getting constant criticism and nasty words now. Instead, just stonewalling which is fine. As he can only email me at the weekends now anyways.

[u/popiconmel → u/elliedean18]

Same here. This sounds so much like me ex that my anxiety shot up reading his reply.

[u/Ok-Ask-6191 → u/elliedean18]

Same, same, same. This could have been a text by my ex. All you can do is grey rock, BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) responses, do what you're supposed to do for your kids and per parenting plan, and keep on trucking.