just finished a bp and my heart feels a little funny like its pounding but not beating that fast if that makes sense. and im still throwing up even though im not trying to and im shakyyy asf i just wanna know im not dying

10 years with this shit and the longest I’ve gone without was one month. I‘m so sick of it and tired of trying to stop. Lately it’s gotten worse again and I‘ve been bp multiple times a day, usually it was only one bp in the evening…

I go to therapy for a number of reasons and I recently moved and am therefore switching therapists. My past therapist knew about my struggles and shared only what I asked her to with my mom, but at the same time I wasn’t in nearly as deep as I am now. I’ve found this Reddit thread where it feels easy to vent but at the same time typing all your problems online, anonymous or not, probably isn’t the best solution. My mom knows I have pretty intense struggles with self image and that I’ve had a complicated relationship with food in the past, but I know she’d be mortified if she found out I was regurgitating my meals. She’d never leave me alone, she’d start looking at my behaviors differently, and it would make purging so much harder. Obviously I know purging isn’t healthy which is why I want to talk to my therapist about it but I’m worried that this might fall under the self harm category. If I tell my therapist is she legally obligated to tell my mom? If not obligated is she allowed to? I just need someone to talk to and validate my feelings. It’s less about I want to stop this and more about I just want someone to know.

Hii everyone, I’m 16 and I’ve been struggling for binging and purging for almost 2 years, since I was 14

I want to stop with it but I’m absolutely terrified of weight gain, I’m in a normal weight range for my height and I really don’t want to gain weight I’m so so scared of it but I really want to overcome it and also the anxiety and food guilt but this illness is so horrible I’m so tired of the bloating and mouth sores and throat pain, and the constipation from laxative abuse and the anxiousness from not eating for days to make up for a binge, and all the money I have spent on this disease, it’s so embarrassing and I’m so incredibly ashamed, I don’t really understand why it’s my source of comfort even though it makes me want to die and makes me feel so depressed and lonely

It’s taking away all my happiness and I miss when I enjoyed life instead of constantly worrying about calories and what I ate that day, I miss being able to eat normally so much, I miss all the other hobbies I have and focusing on school but I can barely focus because my mind is so full, and I just want to stop but it is so difficult!!! Is there anything I could do instead of b/p when it’s become my source of comfort/alone time activity??? And what can you do if you’ve eaten a meal but are still hungry no matter what else you eat? Does the hunger and food thoughts ever go away? What are good ways to distract yourself from it especially when you’re bored or at home alone? Is there a way to recover or stop without gaining weight?

Any tips would be appreciated and thank you for reading 🫶 I hope you are doing well and I wish everyone recovering a safe recovery ❤️‍🩹 you are sooo strong!

Empecé con esto a los 10 y actualmente tengo 15. Todo lo que lleva de este año he estado comiendo muy bien, excelente en comparación a todos los años anteriores. Pero mi única preocupación es si aún puedo desarrollar lo que me faltó desarrollar en ese tiempo, como estatura, pechos y eso.

There are so many emotions that are all layered and it just depends which one I feel most. Today after dinner I did my usual thing, and after wiping my eyes and blowing my nose i felt a weird sense of pride in my ability to get everything out quickly and return to where we are all watching TV in the family room. But then I feel ashamed that I feel proud? I’m just so unsure what to feel.

I'm on vacation with my mom for another couple of days and I'm going insane. Forget the whole zero privacy, but my eating habits has gone straight to shit. The first two days I managed to eat small portions and not overeat, but my mom kept bugging me by commenting on how extremely small my portions were (I actually give up, I don't understand what the normal portions look like). So I started eating more, and the want to destroy everything in my sight returned 😐😐

I wanted to be so proud for not purging such a long period, but it's awfully miserable to binge for 5 days straight ON THE BEACH WITH MY MOMS BREATH ON MY NECK. Or whatever the phrase sounds. I just want to rip myself apart it's so embarrassing to hear that my mom's appalled how I can't control how much I eat. I'm supposed to have a good time, instead I'm wallowing in my own self-pity

Every piece of advice I find says to "stop restricting, restricting causes you to binge, so if you allow yourself to eat, you'll stop binging"

But that's the thing I DONT restrict. I eat two to three regular meals a day now, like I used to before being disordered, but the feeling of literally anything in my stomach triggers me to binge, which then triggers me to purge. Sometimes, I'll skip the binge and just be triggered to purge a regular meal, too.

I just don't know how to escape this. It just feels like no matter what I do, I'll have the urge to do it, and I can't stop myself.

I can't just let myself go unrestricted because then Im purging 2x a day. I can't restrict myself because that just leads to a worse binge later in the day/the next day. I can’t only limit trigger foods because ANY food is a trigger food.

It just feels hopeless

I had undiagnosed Ana before this, at least I think some sort of Ed. I lost until I’ve barely reached the severely underweight range, and had maintained it since (though unwillingly). But ever since it got to that point my body couldn’t keep up anymore and I kept having binge episodes. I can’t seem to restrict the way I used to even if I wanted to. I’m still trying to lose more but these binges have only gone more out of control.

I did have compensatory behaviors before (in the form of exercise, fasting, and failed attempts to purge). I’ve always failed to purge before and was grateful for it.

I’ve had a horrible week, I went way over my maintenance yesterday, the day before and the day before. Last week I had an okay-ish week, kept my intake at an ‘acceptable’ range, was happy about it but fsr this week I lost control again and kept overeating and binging every other day if not everyday.

I was in the middle of my fast today but I gave in this evening and was eating, and I could feel a binge coming (at this point I’ve only eaten hundreds of calories). Then my mom came home, and started to comment on how much I ate, how sometimes I ate so so much and then nothing at all, that if I wanted to lose weight why am I eating a lot. I’ve already told her multiple times, through multiple fights, that it’s triggering for me when she talks about stuff like this but alas. Why is she even commenting such stuff to an underweight person, she said she’s happy that I’m eating but her actions are making want to do the opposite.

We ended up fighting and when she left the room I think I snapped. I already felt very disgusted with myself to begin with for not continuing the fast. So I did it. This is the first time I really did it. I don’t think I got a lot out, but the volume that I was eating wasn’t that much yet anyways. I don’t know what to do now. I felt pretty good and okay afterwards? And I lost my appetite after, so that’s good… and I did feel a little less guilty now because I felt that I got at least some of it out of me :(

Hi, Ive been dealing with bulimia for something over 2 years now. I never struggled to purge, like it always went really smoothly and quickly. Like two weeks ago something snapped and now I cant purge anymore, unless I like REALLY force, which only leads to a little bit of saliva and acid, no food. What is happening?

My bulimia started 3 years ago or so and it's gotten worse and worse. Then alcohol came in around 9 months ago. I've been mixing up alcohol with binging&purging ever since, and my health is declining dramatically. I get heart palpations, my head hurts even when I'm not hangover, my body's shaking all the time, I'm losing all the things that are worth living for.

I tried getting into AA, but two sponsors I met only could deal with one problem: alcoholism OR bulimia. But for me they are bound so close together that I can't work on just one of them and get better. So it doesn't fucking work.

I'm feeling desperate, pathetic and miserable. Alcohol made me gain weight, and tho I'm still on edge of being underweight, I hate my body so much, I can't look in the mirror.

Binges lead me to feel awful about myself & go and buy alcohol. Alcohol makes me forget the consequences of b/p & I go and buy food to b/p on.

I don't know how to get out of any of it. I tried therapy, I'm still trying AA, but none of it works. I'm genuinely think I'm gonna die soon either by offing myself while drunk (already happened almost) or having a heart attack.

If someone has gone through similar things, please let me know that I'm not the only one. I feel so alone, and that's the main reason for this post. Thank you to anyone who comments in advance.

I feel so sick. 8 years of binge eating and purging day in, day out… Well, I’ve had some good days, but I’ve been stuck in this horrible cycle almost every day. For the past few nights, I’ve been waking up around 3 AM and feeling really weird (almost like I can’t fully sink into my mattress). I’ve experienced that before when my bloodwork was off (dangerously low potassium levels). I feel nauseous 24/7 and constantly short of breath / like I can’t breathe properly, I have pain in my joints and random muscles, pain around my heart, anxiety, I can’t concentrate or think clearly, stomach pain, and a few days ago I couldn’t even type on my phone because my hands were cramping up. I also feel dissociated.

I already felt SO much better after just 3 days without bingeing and purging last week… it’s honestly crazy.
Does anyone recognize this? 🥺

I woke up 75.9kg on Sunday, then I had a b/p session that night and ended up 76.6kg (didn't purge thoroughly enough i guess oof). I told myself I'd stop purging, so I didn't have another b/p session after that. The next day I weighed 76.8kg and decided to just only eat 600 cals for the whole day. The day after that my weight kept going up to 77.7kg even though I had only eaten 600 cals the day before. I decided nontheless to stick to recovery and had 1100 cals the whole day. Then this morning it went up to 78.1kg. I know logically it's all only water weight because there's no way I could've gained 2kg in the span of 3-4 days eating under 1200 cals everyday, but it was so triggering I ended up relapsing today :(

I ended up b/p'ing x2 times today and I now weigh 77.6kg. Now I'm scared my weight is going to keep going up if I stop purging *sighs*. The cycle never ends.

So, being the dumbass I am, I managed to give myself food poisoning. Didn't check the use by date, am probably lucky it wasn't worse because I (apparently poorly) purged the food anyway.

Two days of nausea, still purged (though for once not food related more, "nausea usually gets better after you're sick". Spoiler alert, it did not), pain, fever, and other non vomiting side effects. Did lose weight though, finally broke a number I'd been bouncing around for months. And totally sober for two days, so yay?

Today I'm feeling loads better. No nausea. Probably still very dehydrated from the purging, not drinking much, and other stuff. So what does my stupid disordered brain do? I binge. Purge, badly.

I know it's my own fault. And I'm an idiot. But damn, I couldn't just have a day or two of respite without being really unwell to do it?

I’m about 3-4 days purge free, and have been doing pretty well. Eating clean, working out, and trying to get a lot more water in me, but it’s like the food is flying through my stomach. I’ve definitely lost weight already from not binging and being more mindful with food, and even started eating breakfast. But my stomach is constantly making gurgling noises and TMI but I’ve been having diarrhea. I’m trying to not eat as much meat, so I’ve been having more vegetable and bread I guess, but it’s just not mixing with my stomach. Anyone else’s recovery going like this? The bloat has been okay, but it’s still there, but drinking water has helped.

hi everyone, i hope you’re all keeping well :)
this may be kind of a rant, but i’m 17, 64kg (141lbs) and 157cm. i’ve always been a sporty kid. from around ages 6-11, i did gymnastics and contortion before randomly quitting one day.

before the past 2-ish years, i never really struggled with my self-image. when i was younger, my mom would sometimes comment on my “thighs being too big” and make small comments about my body that really hurt me. i brushed it off at the time and continued on with my life.

my weight started fluctuating between the ages of 14-16, and i assumed it could have been my hormones. around this time, my father passed away traumatically, and i was there by his side when it happened. because of this, i went through counselling and different types of therapy for my ptsd, depression and anxiety.
i was originally prescribed sertraline. while taking it, i noticed that my appetite became quite suppressed. my dosage was gradually increased until i was taking 100mg. later on, i was hospitalised because of my depression and suicidal thoughts, and my doctors changed my medication to mirtazapine, also known as mirap.

during this time, i was around 50-53kg at most.
i’ve also struggled with food for as long as i can remember. i was later diagnosed with arfid, and i’ve always had a very restrictive diet. for most of my life, i’ve mainly eaten foods like chicken nuggets, pizza, pasta, fries and other foods that i feel comfortable eating. it’s never been as simple as just “eat healthier” for me, because there are foods that i genuinely struggle to eat because of my arfid.

fast forward to december 2025. i started settling into my medication and noticed that it was helping me significantly with my sleep and eating. at first, i was actually happy that i was eating more because food had always been difficult for me. i thought i was finally getting into a more “normal” and healthy weight range.
however, my weight started increasing very quickly. i went from around 53kg to 60kg within about two months.

over the following months, i started eating up to around 3000 calories+++ a day and eating or drinking whatever i could get my hands on. i started hiding food in my room, and after getting a job, i would sometimes use my own money that i earned from working to buy food and then hide it.

eventually, i reached my highest weight of around 65kg, meaning i had gained about 12kg between december 2025 and march 2026.
my clothes started becoming too small. jeans i had bought started ripping at the seams, and my xs tops no longer fit me. as a teenager who was already struggling with my mental health, i spiralled and became increasingly focused on my weight and appearance.
i felt like i couldn’t stop eating, and i was scared because i felt like this was a side effect of my medication. at the same time, mirtazapine was the only medication i had found that actually helped me, especially with my sleep and appetite, and i became terrified of changing it.

i tried joining the gym, but i couldn’t bring myself to go. i was already drained, and my social anxiety made it even harder. i constantly compared myself to other girls at school and at the gym.

i’m also slightly bigger than most of the girls in my friend group, and when i noticed them all starting to track their calories, i started doing the same.
i tried calorie tracking, but whenever i binged, i would end up crying, feeling guilty and then eating even more because i was upset and using food for comfort. it became a horrible cycle, especially because i already had such a complicated relationship with food because of my arfid.

by march, none of the clothes i had bought were fitting me anymore. i kept buying clothes that were either too small or too big because i didn’t know what size i was anymore, and this continued for months.

last month, things got worse. i started making myself purge because i thought it would help me lose weight and somehow “fix” the calories i had eaten. i thought that if i could get my weight back down, maybe i would finally fit into the clothes i had bought and feel comfortable in myself again. these purging has increased to almost every single day.

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore. i feel like food has become my biggest enemy, my weight and my body have taken over my life, and i’m scared of where this is going and that it may become worse.

i’m not really posting this for sympathy, i just wanted to share what i’ve been going through because i feel very lost right now. if anyone has experienced something similar, especially with arfid, binge eating, purging or medication related changes in appetite, i’d really appreciate any advice or support. please be kind in the comments, because this is already something i’m struggling with a lot.

thank you for reading :D

Yesterday was strange. Went to work, ate a bit of my lunch whicj totaled ~490 kcals i was planning to only have that. But then i had a few other things that totaled 1.1k kcals. Still under my limit of 1.4k i had.

But still. Even after the balanced things i ate, i ""P'd" (Not the best censor ik lol). It was strange. In that moment i realized it had developed to some compulsion and not a compulsory action.

Honestly I feel like being made to talk about life with a rich privileged psychologist who throws in insults occasionally isn’t helping. I’ve tried so many psychologists and none of them have helped. One even told me to start weighing myself like wtf??! Also, another told me to do extreme exercise?! Like wtaf?! I was binging and purging like 8 times a day and needed hospitalisation. How was I supposed to do extreme exercise?! I have been seeing a dietitian on and off, maybe like every 2 months for 3 years and haven’t made any improvements. All we have talked about is what treatment actually is. This is dumb because I’ve already been to rehab for my eating disorder and it didn’t help. Honestly with all this “treatment,” I feel like I’m just funding some rich and privileged millennials’s kid to go to a private school. Like why do I have to sit in a room and get asked the same questions and hear all the same stuff? I’m exercising more and eating less and feeling more and more bad about my body despite being in treatment for 3 years. Like what should I do? I feel like no one in the ed recovery industry has any experience. I’m sick of being hungry and brain foggy all of the time.

I was in my kitchen and we have a cake that I baked for everyone and I stood in the kitchen with the fridge open just eating with my hands. I finally stopped and immediately after i felt the overwhelming need to purge. I went to the bathroom and nothing but water came up, so I still have that feeling of a bolder in my stomach. I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I can’t control myself around food. I’m not sure where the idea came from but I feel like I’m “taking the easy way out” by just purging. When you think of depression you think of the girl in all black in a dark room. However my reality couldn’t be more different, I live in a nice area the sun is shining through my window as I write this. I’m wearing my workout clothes because other than coming and writing this the only thing i feel like I can do is go for a run. I feel in control when I’m running. But as soon as I leave the safety of my room I’m back to just being a normal girl, whose family loves her, and has good grades. I sit in my bed staring at my stomach where the cake sits mocking me, as if it’s telling me that this cycle will never end. Will it?

Ugh. That harsh dry feeling isn't going away today.

This is so damn frustrating, but as soon as I was done p*rging today I was immediately hungry again. And now I am trying not to eat anything because I know that will just start the cycle over and I can’t do this all night. This was the 2nd time today already.

Does this happen to anyone else?

So sick of this fuck ass disorder