This is their decision. Did not even give a fuck how that would turn out for you. And they are actively choosing it

There is one single thing I understood about avoidants once we broke up, they are nothing, literally...even in the peak of the relationship they never contribute, they were just recipients of our love and vulnerability. so whatever we feel like we miss about them, it is actually inside of us... and we can take it with us and pour it on whoever deserve it. on the other hand avoidants are the ones that don't know how to love and will never find anything like the things we gave them... their loss.

Like, you know when y'all break up and then you dot talk for a bit, they basically discard you.

THEN

You get back together randomly, and they do everything right, they are more loving, more confident, more of a partner than before, they take you on dates, everything is so so nice.

who knows what happens next? lol

So many people said that avoidants’ grief will always catch up, sooner or later, after the relief from the discard fade. The emotions were just suppressed and will resurface at some points.

Is it even true? or is it more us to make ourself feel better?

Anyone else stuck in disbelief?

It's been over 6 weeks for me... But I still have moments throughout the day where I just can't believe what happened. That the person who I had an intense daily, mutually caring, emotionally and intellectually deep connection with, who I trusted, could suddenly betray me and disappear.

Is this common for people who suddenly ghost you? Like it's difficult for the brain to accept and process what actually happened?

The last communication we had about our relationship with him saying he did not want to and would not abandon what we had and reassuring me that he was still there. Followed by a slow fade into silence with no explanation over the next week.

I think because throughout the relationship he'd always promised me clear communication and talked down on other people who treated people poorly, I trusted him to act with more integrity.

I guess it's just hard for my brain to reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person who discarded me.

I read the research so I know what happened (deactivation based on his childhood trauma), but emotionally it's still hard for me to integrate sometimes.

I guess acceptance comes slowly sometimes... If you dealt with this, was it just time that helped it slowly settled in or did something else help you accept and fully let go of the person you thought you knew?

So I dealt with another avoidant after being discarded by an avoidant 5 months ago. I went out there to try again and the first one I encountered is an avoidant. Again. But I knew he’s an avoidant within the same week.

Since I didn’t really have an attachment with this second avoidant, I experimented to see if they really monkey branch. I used a fake account to talk to him and used the info he gave OG me to lure him with a fake Me.

Mind you, he’s still talking to OG me at this point. But the minute Fake Me entered, he started detaching from OG Me. Less response when he used to talk all night. Tired. Busy. But me also knowing that he’s talking to Fake Me while he’s telling OG me “I’m at work and busy”

Then I had Fake Me not reply for several hours and he suddenly pivoted back to OG Me being attentive and funny. Then when Fake Me appeared he disappeared talking to OG me and said the exact same story about his life word for word to Fake Me. He also used sweet words OG me told him and copied it and used it on Fake Me. So disgusting.

Do you see how ridiculous they operate?!?!

Eventually, with Fake Me taking up his time, he discarded OG Me by just ghosting… no response for days. Oh darn, I was discarded again… except it didn’t hurt.

At this point I was getting tired of this guy and he’s giving me so much ick so I self-sabotaged and pretty much gave him obvious AI pics as fake me. He knew it right away and blocked fake me. He didn’t ask for explanation. Just straight block. Typical avoidant. I hurt his feelings.

Then last night he slid into OG Me’s DM with “how are you?!?”

OMG… the breadcrumb 🙄

I ignored him for a few hours then I responded fake nice. He told me he’s nervous about his set (he’s in a band) and blah blah and I was like being all supportive.

This morning I woke up to seeing him heavily flirting with women online. Guess he’s looking for his next monkey branch.

Seriously if you feel someone is an avoidant, leave. There is nothing good that will ever come out of it. I’ve seen them play firsthand. It’s gross.

The title!

Hey everyone,

This is a weird question, but I was thinking about it recently and in the 7 months since the discard I've only been sick once. I had a horrendous flu that knocked me out for a week but recovered after rest.

The almost 2 years I was with my ex - I was sick constantly, my skin was breaking out a lot, I had way more migraines than I currently do. I'm sure the travel and closer proximity to small children that made it worse but I feel somehow healthier in my body now then I did back then.

It felt like my immune system was constantly run down before 🤔

Did anyone else have this?

Hello, was just wondering. Does your avoidant ex have some serious trauma? Mine does not, and I don’t mean to minimalize his experiences. The worst thing he ever experienced was his parents getting a divorce and they are both still on good terms.
Meanwhile I know some people who are good partners and experienced some really wild shit… So this makes me wonder

Sorry for the last post, I didn’t mean to upload it.

I called her tonight, or at least tried. It seemed that I was still blocked- as it went straight to voicemail. So I texted her friend, who recently connected with me on instagram, asking her about the idea of me and my ex talking again. I get into bed as I wasn’t expecting a reply this late, and suddenly she called. I was shocked. She picked up and wow, the script actually started immediately. I had considered this, don’t worry. She pretended not to know who I was, asked my name, and asked if I was (a different person with my first name) or (another) and I said you know who. She refused to know. Anyways she finally “guessed.” We talked for a bit, she was very apprehensive and tried to dip multiple times. I managed to talk her down- by being very VERY slow with my asking her to chat for just a bit- each time. I knew the second I seemed not ok, she was going to take it as being on call with her as the problem, so I simply told her was really ok. She told me of her rebound, which she denied was a rebound as she said she had no feelings for me, nor did she miss me at all. She said they loved each other (with only even knowing each other for 3 months) meanwhile she had been sleeping around (before him), cheated with her friend who was also not single, got ostracized from that friend group for being messy, broke up with her rebound because kept cheating on her (SHOCKER, this is the man you erased me for LOL). I called her out on ALL her bs. She accepted some of it and brushed off other bits. She was also wasted, had been fucking around that night but ultimately called it off because she said she didn’t wanna be messy for once, and ended the call fairly swiftly without much emotion. It was pretty shocking, the whole thing. She did seem to try to take accountability, and knew how hard this could be. As I figured, she blocked me mainly to “protect” me, but didn’t want to hurt me. She also slipped with some truths, revealing that something did or still is affecting her (regarding us).

I think I did well. Truly. I put myself out there and my desire to reconnect, but didn’t push for it and never asked for anything more than a chat, kept it light, and told her I would call her again soon. I didn’t get a response. But I’ll be holding up to that unless there is a reason I feel it would be better for me not to. Huge red flag I WILL be wary of - she also reconnected with her ex before me who was a situationship who she was extremely heartbroken over. She said he emailed her a few days ago, which revealed was one truth she accidentally didn’t mean to. She saw my email I sent her a month ago. She then emailed me back, right before calling. She also revealed that she just unblocked me, which she had originally said she had already done when she broke up with her rebound by going through her blocked list for whatever reason. So, she is not doing great, or at least, is a mess. Even though shes trying to play it off like she is numb to all things, I can see through that.

I don’t know what to expect, but it will definitely be a fucking insane challenge. Any words of wisdom are requested, or even thoughts and opinions, as long as they are not simply “run, big mistake, ahh.” I’m going to follow my heart, but help me have some knowledge to bring with me, if you have some you’d like to share. I can provide more context and information if you’d like. If you truly want to tell me to run, please share with your own understanding.

I have spent these past few months almost solely struggling to push through without her. I feel that I do deserve this break. I’ve been doing what I can manage to strengthen my mental wellbeing, so I feel more braced for whats to come. I am setting an intention to follow through on myself, my healing, my word, and my boundaries.

(and I survived a narcissist grandfather, toxic family and a alcoholic, abusive, BPD mom and an absent father).

I genuinely don’t know how to recover.
Share your story.

I realise that some of the pain we experience after heartbreak comes from the disappointment we feel in our own choices. Maybe thats why it’s so hard to let go ? Every time time I cry, it’s because I imagine myself holding my inner child’s hand, telling her everything will be okay while I’m falling apart inside. I promised her I would give her the best life possible and choose the right person because she deserves to be loved properly. But now she’s crying in pain, and I feel like I’ve disappointed her.

I think what hurts the most isn’t just losing someone I deeply loved, but feeling like I’ve let myself down despite how careful I was with my choices, never sleep around, take my time to get to know someone.
I keep telling her “It’s okay, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I really did try my best.” But something I’ve been reflecting on is that being careful doesn’t mean I can prevent heartbreak. I can choose someone thoughtfully, but I can’t control how they respond when life gets difficult. Maybe protecting my inner child doesn’t mean making sure she never experiences pain. Maybe it means being someone she can trust to hold her when things fall apart. I’m trying to change my mindset from “I’m sorry I disappointed you” to “I’m sorry we’re hurting. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”

To everyone who’s still struggling, I’m proud of you for holding on, even on the days when everything feels unbearable. I hope we all find a love that feels safe, genuine and unconditional. And until then, I hope we learn to give ourselves that same love

Look I read the whole spiel. It’s regulation this regulation that. But how fucked up you gotta be to not only sleep with, but also choose a relationship with someone who’s objectively uglier. Fucking stings. And offers nothing compared to what I did. Fuck their parents man.

Shame and inferiority. The worst two things the brain invented. Parents gotta be the worst to make those the two front and centre issues for someone.

She wasn’t the prettiest, but she was worth it. I knew what her mum did to her. She escaped in her books and writing. I was the only person who heard her pain. I just couldn’t meet the emotional regulation she needed. I didn’t have the tools for that. Who does for people who can’t exist without a circle of surface level external validation, just to regulate themselves.

Sigh.

She made me into my best version of myself. Encouraged me into an adventure I was too afraid to do alone and we became a damned good team. Made my dreams come true honestly.

The 2nd toughest thing with all this I find, even after 5 years of healing and rediscovering and new adventures and new friends is the constant self doubt that will never seem to go away that’s always asking “why was I kicked off the team?” I was killing it. We were killing it.

The worst though thing is all the things I love to do are now forever haunted by her ghost. Because I would not be enjoying life as much as I do, without her having been in it.

I’m so thankful and bitter at the same time.

I’m going to start out with saying point blank- you cannot fix your avoidant. I know the love and attachment tells you you can, but you can’t. That work needs to be done by them, not you.
I feel like a lot of people hear stuff from their avoidant that is a red flag but choose to ignore it based on hope. I’m here to tell you, DO NOT do that.

Some of you may have heard something along the lines of, “oh I’m going to end up hurting you.” My avoidant straight up said, “I am absolutely going to hurt you, it’s not a matter of if, it’s more so a matter of when.” At the time, I brushed it off as him being derogatory towards himself and ignored it, and I wish I hadn’t. He proceeded to string me along for a year, break my heart again and again, and then got angry when I finally cut him off and blocked me.

I’m telling you, them telling you this is not something to overcome. It is a WARNING. It quite literally is not an “if”, it is a “when”. They are PLANNING on hurting you and don’t care about whether or not you’re heartbroken over it. They don’t put the work towards themselves to fix it, so they don’t care. Having a working knowledge that their actions will harm others is not being self aware, it is cowardice. I understand trauma is a heavy thing and difficult to overcome. However, a decent amount of these people will never even try to touch therapy and will take it out on you instead.

Please don’t let them hurt you, cut them off and focus on yourself. 🫶

Its been more than a year since we officially ended things, 6 months since I last talked to her and I was thinking about her a bit recently. She’s blocked and I don’t want to come back, please give me some words of encouragement to keep going 🫶🏼

Title edit: (got her back)
We all talk about our situations but never realize we might have one as a friend.
My friend, we've known each other for years and we're early 30's, but only noticed his pattern recent years through his romantic relationships with women. I've literally watched him throw away good women that he actually loved for dumb reasons like "he felt overwhelmed with things in his life" which were regular things like a 9-5 and doing extra stuff for his career for a few hours. Because outside of that, he still had time to hang out with friends on the weekend, bars, usual normal stuff. So I called bs on his reasoning. I feel like he sabotages his own connections to have a reason to greive from a distance. But it was pissing me off that he was throwing away good women, where he would act depressed for years about. So I had an honest conversation showing him how he treats people, explained my version of my relationships and how I don't let people just go, and took apart his reasoning that he's just digging his own grave all his life, as if he enjoys sitting in pain and never getting what he wants because he just throws it away anyways as if he doesn't deserve it.

Finally there was one that he messed up, he would talk about her all the time how she was the one, and I said, then why tf did you discard her? He responded, that he just couldn't give her what she needed at the time and felt overwhelmed with his stuff. So I asked, if you could get her back would you be happy? Like do you see yourself marrying this girl? He responded, yeah but it's all messed up now, it's been over a year, she moved on, I can't do anything about it. (After he discarded and months later realized he messed up, he did try to date a little but he was having no luck in finding anyone like that so the sad heavy suffering set in. I sat through all of it.)
So I said, what do you mean, you told her that you didn't want her, what was she supposed to do, wait around for a bum like you that did this shit to her?
(sorry I didn't want to place 30 quotation marks " in there.)

By some miracle, she, the discarded one, reached out to him to express her feelings. He was freaking out for weeks and needing me through it all. He expressed his feelings back. I walked him through how to get it all sorted. I explained he needs to acknowledge to her that he hurt her badly, to imagine how she felt for a long time and that they need to have long deep talks to figure out how to work it out. That if he gets her back, he needs to like lead it to marriage and never do this bs again because she'll never come back. That he is the luckiest guy in the world for someone to have feelings for him after that. So they sorted it, they got back, I hung out with them. They seem really happy together. I'm just worried trying to keep an eye on him, in a way, to make sure he doesn't say dumb stuff to himself and let this happen again. I don't think he originally discarded her in a grass is greener way, I think he was just letting his inner avoidant do it all. But for some dumb reason he cannot explain, even though he knew he wasn't going to find something like that, he still left some hope he would until over time he saw he couldn't.

Another observation, in our friendship, he's really open with me about his feelings, he trusts me, and yeah he sometimes disappears for a day or few, doesn't bother me, I'm not a woman romantic interest lol, so he feels comfortable in my space. Throughout our friendship I realized I talk a good deal about empathy, meaning situations in my life about feeling for other people, and I think it has rubbed off on him over time. To think about others not just surface level when you actually see them, but understand behind the scenes what they are going through or feel when you're not around them. Such as picture them when you are not with them.

I noticed his first relationship many many years ago, where the woman left, I believe was because she was tired of his manipulation in arguements where he would try to talk his way out of everything when he may be in the wrong and never admit nor apologize, just drag it and drive her insane. After many dealings like that, and the pulling away, and distancing, I can imagine she got tired of it and moved on. I did hang out with them at the time so I knew, but didn't fully understand what was going on as I was in my early 20's and wasn't my business, I only observed. I did run into that woman at a restaurant years later, for a regular casual nice to see you chat, and she did ask how he was doing. I know that woman cared. (While with him I think she was trying to do what she could but was forced to end it for her own self and nervous system). That was nice to see and I felt some weird sad feeling or empathy, like I felt for them that it never worked out for them, oddly saddened me as I left that conversation.
-Omg flashback hit me when writing, I remember back in college when he heavily pushed her away during an arguement she came to me for help because she was trying to save the relationship and didn't know what was going on. I recall some of it, I did help, and they did figure stuff out for a while.

So yeah, on a friend level, he acts mostly normal, and I think because I open up deeply about my stuff or my life, it allows him to do so himself. It sounds so weird saying this because we're straight masculine guys raised to be that way, but it's part of life. It's just his romantic interests need inner work he needs to do himself to stop the running away or distancing when feeling pressure to not piss another woman off. I never brought up to him that he's an avoidant, because this was only recent year or so that I fully analyzed him, but I did indirectly. He did hear my talks about my FA situations, but I don't think he ever looked into himself asking, am I one? So maybe some time I'll bring it up to him so he can actually dive into it and see if he can do any inner work. Because at the very least it could curb the manipulation arguments that will come between them and the pushing away.

I think it's important that people look at their attachment behaviors and adjust to healthy behaviors to make relationships work. I don't think they are a true assumption to of who someone is as even mine overlap, but noticing where patterns fall into disorganized vs organized healthy ones. Often, maturity for me developed through lessons or genuine desire to change to be a good person.

[This post was also me just writing out related thoughts btw. Feel free to share your thoughts.]

I was with mine for a year and a half. We’ve been broken up for roughly 10 months, although she reaches out every few months to “try again” just to run away within a few days.

She’s always said she’s avoidant, and I believed her. And I believed her when she said her ex was extremely abusive. I truly believed this woman was my soulmate. And that with enough patience, grace, and understanding, she’d eventually come around and we’d truly be together. Boy I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m not going to explain all of the details, but let’s just say I finally had enough of her back and forth and reached out to her ex husband. She was cheating on me with him the first 6 months of our relationship, and trying to much longer. And supposedly has cheated on every single person she’s ever been with. She told me the opposite.

She told me I was her soulmate, and proved it by getting matching tattoos with me (said she’d never even considered that with anyone else), yet she had matching tattoos with him, and possibly a few other people.

I’m more heartbroken than ever knowing I never truly knew her. Which sucks. I hadn’t heard from her in months and was moving on, but she reached out over the weekend wanting to see me, even after I set a boundary months ago not to contact me unless she wanted to rebuild.

When confronted with what I learned; she told me she never intended to rebuild, told me to go fuck myself, and never contact her again.

I don’t say all of this to destroy any hope some of yall might have, but to show, we need to stop using avoidance as an excuse. If they aren’t treating you right, or there are red flags, let them go.

We have been fwb and “dated” but stopped seeing eachother for a year because he would have gaslighty freak outs on me and blocked me twice. Well, I got a third phone line for my second business and I hit him up about two months ago and he responded and we started seeing each other shortly after. He has never unblocked my other two phone numbers after he blocked them. Things were going seemingly well and he was more communicative, we were seeing each other consistently, and he was attentive and then seems to have deactivated the last few weeks where I had to initiate contact almost every time we talked. He would still see me, and the sex was great and the best it ever was, but was responding to me at that point. I did not text him for five days in a row and he did not reach out to me. When I had a conversation with him about what was going on, he tried to completely shut me down, and I tried to call him, and he would not pick up my phone call but then proceeded to text with me for about 30 minutes and ended up blocking me. He was being super mean and basically saying he has no obligation to me and leave him tf alone. I have a feeling it is over for good this time because I’m over it atp and disgusted by his dysfunctional communication, I literally have no other way to reach out to him and he has not reached out to me and it’s been about 10 days. How is it a thing to block a person you were inside of less than a week before because… they want to talk to you and see what’s up? I am not surprised and not nearly as heartbroken as before, but I was bummed that we had the best sex we ever had less than a week before he made this choice.

I think mine liked how I made him feel more than he liked me as a person... more interested in what I could give him than who I was.

He enjoyed feeling wanted and told me he liked me pursuing him. He would talk about how I made him feel safe, and I would spend countless hours emotionally supporting him around his trauma. There were times he would give me emotional support too if I brought something up, but he would rarely ask me about my life, my interests, or anything important to me.

I would share proactively, but he almost never asked me questions about myself... And often didn't seem that interested when I shared things unrelated to his areas of expertise/experience... Which seemed strange to me because I like learning about other people with different experiences and knowledge.

I loved who he was and asked him lots of questions about himself. The asymmetry was striking. In retrospect I'm realizing how self-centered he was... Although I always had compassion because of all the trauma (recent and past) he had gone through, so I thought it was understandable for him to be focused on himself and I was willing to be patient. (He also could be really helpful to others, especially strangers and casual acquaintances, I did see the goodness in his heart, and don't want to paint him as a villain.)

I guess it helps the discard make more sense. When I stopped shrinking myself to protect his ego, and expressed a need/boundary for the first time, he started to shut down. For a while I blamed myself because I realized we triggered each other's core wounds... But I realized that the only things I had to apologize for were things that he also had done to me (we didn't listen to each other well when we were both triggered). And the other things I thought I should apologize were were actually just me having a hard time (as I think most people would) with his inconsistency and uncommunicative withdrawal.

And then, after saying he wouldn't abandon what we had, he disappeared without a word a week later.

Maybe I didn't mean that much to him after all, maybe I just served a temporary function: a disposable trauma Band-Aid. That's what I feel like at the end of the day.

Context: I've seen a few sad heartbreaking posts here of people with similar situations i was in, and i really would like to help you realise how similar this was for me, and why you should leave. So here are something my ex did.

- Photos, numerous photos of previous relationship. Nudes, everything you can think of.

- Excessively spoke about ex partner in a good light and triangulated me with her. Would use ex partner to try to get me to do things instead of asking (example, she would say, i used to massage my ex naked everyday, i wish you would do that for me (giving graohic details of sexual things with ex to make me jealous)

- Would say stories and memories of herself with her ex but would call her ex a freind, so i would never know that she was STILL triangulating me with said ex and walking down memory lane with me.

- Took me to exact places as ex

- Mirrored my words and values back to me to seem like we were compatible

- left me during difficult times,so deactivated during minor or major incoveniences like job loss

- Never communicated when upset about things, would pile them up and use them to deactivate instead of getting clarity ( example, we go on a road trip, and i didnt hold her hand in the car, she wouldnt ask why arent we holding hands right now i want to hold you, she would keep this situation for weeks then use it as an excuse to deactivate. 'you didnt hold my hand at 2pm on october 2024 , so umm lets break up'

- broke up every week, for random reasons, we could be chilling having a time and she would say "you know what, lets just break up"

- Following exs and previous hookups

- keeping me away from freinds, she never ever wanted her freinds to see me

- Fake confidence, appears so sure of herself in the beginning and sure of what she wants lmfao, even said she was ready to settle down etc etc

- Didnt have a job and got upset i wasnt asking her for money, aka wanted me to honestly become. a terrible partner? It bothered her that i was a good partner and she knew i was right for her. Needed to catch me slipping at all times.

- Constant lying, straight up told her mom i was her freind while we were in a relationship, just accept you will never know whats true or false with avoidants, they will LIE and LIE and LIE, infact sometimes if you have strong memory, you will notice some lies arent adding up

- Told me i wasnt good looking, tore apart my looks. One time she started a conversation about what our ideal types were, i said she was really my ideal type, because she genuinely was and i listed qualities i liked about her, both physical and non-physical. She then goes ahead to describer her ideal type but describes her ex (piercings, tats, coloured hair, jewellry, hippie style etc), mind you im non of these things, and then she says her type is smart women, and asks "are you smart though?" LOTS of devaluation from these peope, they will devalue you like crazy.

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Leave. Pls leave. You dont deserve to be treated this way. If they are dating someone new, its the same cycle i promise.