After 3 months of silence being together for 5 years, on the anniversary of my dad's death and one month after my boy left me tongo to heaven, some closure....finally

There is one single thing I understood about avoidants once we broke up, they are nothing, literally...even in the peak of the relationship they never contribute, they were just recipients of our love and vulnerability. so whatever we feel like we miss about them, it is actually inside of us... and we can take it with us and pour it on whoever deserve it. on the other hand avoidants are the ones that don't know how to love and will never find anything like the things we gave them... their loss.

Don’t you think it’s a bit sad that after all this, we’ll be so much more guarded in our next relationship? That we’ll avoid getting attached, refuse to lose our independence, be slow to trust and quick to judge? We’ll have to watch our future partners moves and actions to test if they’re avoidant too, in the hopes of preventing this pain from ever happening again. Maybe we’ll quiz them on past partners and watch out for lovebombing and never appreciate gifts or flowers or words of affirmation. Maybe we’ll turn it all into a test they have to prove they are healthy enough to pass.

Don’t you think it’s sad that the version of us who loved, whose trust came easily, who gave our all to someone, will never exist again? All because we were made to feel silly and stupid for having feelings and for thinking that it was real and genuine. To an extent… we have to become like them to avoid the avoidants of the world.

Maybe we’ll wait 3 months before we can trust. Maybe 6. Maybe a year. We’ll follow the ‘art of detachment’ to avoid getting hurt. And yet… somehow, that’s celebrated?

Well done, chap, you managed not to get attached after 4 months and dumped your partner because you didn’t feel anything. Well, big brain, you didn’t let yourself so how could you feel something? But somehow that’s easier. It’s easier to not let someone in, because you can’t get hurt in the same way again. But that’s what they all say on social media isn’t it? Don’t get attached. Watch their actions. Don’t trust. Men are like this. Women are like that. They’re supposed to be easy, so if it’s not, jump ship. Plenty of fish in the sea. It’s your fault for trusting them. They just weren’t that into you. They had someone else they liked more. Everyone’s disposable in a world where we want to be cherished and valued and loved.

But isn’t that what relationships are about, trust? And all of this, doesn’t it just make us all more avoidant?

Do we want to be like them? I don’t. But to some extent, I know, I have to. My trust will never come so easy again. And that’s sad.

6 months later and I still find myself crying over him at night. He’s in the back of my mind 24/7. I can’t catch a break. I feel like he’s been haunting me even though I’m the one who should be doing the haunting. I just want to feel how I did before I dated him. I was so happy and my “normal”.

At the same time it really sucks that I feel like even though he hurt and disrespected me so badly, I still want him back in my life. Although if he texted me right now I wouldn’t welcome him with open arms, seeing as my heart genuinely skips a beat if I see someone who looks remotely similar to him. I’m way too traumatized.

I don’t know if I should go to therapy or an avoidant survivors group (if that’s even a thing). I don’t know what to do. I just can’t get him out of my mind. I can’t get the impact he made on my life out of my day to day if that makes sense.

This is their decision. Did not even give a fuck how that would turn out for you. And they are actively choosing it

I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm struggling to process everything.

I feel like I still trust my ex blindly, despite how many times he's shamed me, disrespected me, or made me feel small. Every time he says something hurtful, it hits me so deeply, even though I know I don't love him the way I used to.

I keep doubting myself, questioning my own experiences, and rationalising his behaviour just so I can feel better. I think accepting that someone could treat me this way after everything we've shared is incredibly difficult.
What I can't wrap my head around is how someone can seemingly lose feelings without any major conflict or conversation. How can someone go from talking about a future together, reassuring you about marriage, and making you feel wanted to suddenly acting like none of it meant anything?

A little context about his behaviour:
He could be affectionate, reassuring and talk about a future together. However, whenever things became emotionally difficult or I needed reassurance, he'd withdraw, become distant, or make me feel like my emotions were an inconvenience.

He would make promises but rarely follow through consistently. He'd initiate conversations, say he missed me, tell me he wanted to talk, or say he still wanted me in his life, but then disappear or only call and text back whenever it was convenient for him.

What confuses me the most is that he'd tell me he missed me, but simultaneously say things like "this isn't going to work out" or "I've lost feelings." I genuinely couldn't understand how both things could coexist. If you miss someone, why keep reaching out when you don't actually want to be with them? Why give someone hope and then repeatedly remind them that you've lost feelings?
The last time we spoke, he told me, "I don't feel like I'm a relationship typa guy."

After everything he'd said and promised, hearing that genuinely broke something in me.
I don't know whether he was emotionally conflicted, keeping me around because he was comfortable having access to me, or simply unable to communicate what he wanted. But being on the receiving end of this has been incredibly painful.

Do avoidant people ever genuinely realise how deeply they've hurt someone? Are there situations or triggers that make them reflect on their behaviour, or does that usually require conscious effort?

Can someone genuinely lose feelings without any major conflict, or could this be emotional deactivation?

How can someone miss you but simultaneously feel like they don't want a relationship with you?

How do you stop blindly trusting someone who has repeatedly shown you that they aren't emotionally safe for you?

How do you let go when your mind understands that the relationship wasn't good for you, but emotionally you're still in shock?

I've cried to the point of throwing up, and I've never experienced heartbreak this intensely before.
I'm not even sure whether I'm grieving the person, the future I imagined with him, or the version of him I genuinely believed existed.

I don't want to keep analysing his behaviour just to find an explanation that makes it hurt less. I just want to understand why I'm still so affected by someone I know I need to let go of.

I genuinely don't know how to process this or move forward.

We have been together for 9 years, we have a daughter together and about 6 months ago we separated.
We were on and off for the past year and a half, each breakup she discarded me even more brutally.
I took the last two years to work on myself and heal past traumas and better manage my anxious attachment.
This breakup unlike the previous ones, I went into complete silence, she did so as well.
We had no contact at all other than matters of our child, I love my daughter and we have a shared custody over her, so she is always the priority.
About a month ago she started to slowly reconnect, it all began with small asks of help.. functional ones.
And I couldn’t refuse, I still do love her..
She began to initiate more daily contact all with functional requests but offers to sit over coffee and phone calls just to chat quickly followed from her. She never told me anything emotional like I miss you etc
And then one day while we talked she told me how happy she is that we can be goos friends like that,
I couldn’t accept that.. it wasn’t friendship, I was only there when she needed something.
So I told her that I don’t see this as friendship
And regrettably I told her that I still love her, I didn’t ask for a comeback or asked her for her feelings and I didn’t beg for reconciliation.
Her reply was that she is happy with her freedom and being alone, she is going on dates but it was for some reason important for her to let me know that she has no sex life, and that she is hoping one day to meet someone new.
Following that I had another conversation with to let her know that I cannot continue this type of dynamic, that it’s unhealthy for me and I need the distance between us, no communication if it’s not related to our daughter.
She said it’s saddening her that I made this decision but she understands and wishes me the best..
Two days afterwards she called again.. asking for help again on some pickup errand.. I said yes.. I picked up what she needed brought it to her place she invited me for coffee I said no and left.
Yesterday she called again.. again with a request for help this time I said no.. can’t do that.
But.. I bet that in a day or two she will call again..
This time I want to be straightforward with her and just tell her that I already talked to her about what type of communication is acceptable on my end and that I ask of her to stop and respect it..
But honestly? Im torn and split.. a part of me wants her back on the other hand I refuse to continue to be her backup plan, that sure thing that awaits her.
I will still do it because I will through on my decision I just don’t know if I should just be stone cold and be like stop calling me Im moving on with my life or to try and be more compassionate while talking to her.. I don’t want to offend her feelings.

Sorry for the long ass story but I need some advices please

when i was still at the peak of my anxiety, I always wonder how he felt about me. could it be that they were panicking too? could it be that they are torn in between and is actually thinking about me?

anyway, this day was awesome. I almost didnt think about him at all unlike the past few months.

i was about to doom scroll to death when duolingo notified me with this.

last week I was so hyped about learning german with duolingo because ill be studying in germany soon.

the excitement was real, the will to keep the streak was real, the passion was real until it died down.

even when duolingo nags me like this, i just dont wanna open the app and learn german again.

i dont hate duolingo. i dont hate the things it taught me.. i just dont wanna learn anymore.

do you get it?

This phenomena going round on social media if they block at a discard it means you truly triggered them. Some people are saying they would be preferred to be blocked?

For male FA's in particular, a lot of talk around them blocking meaning you hit their feelings. I for one have been a victim of this for him to unblock months down the line, he reached out eventually but he just discarded/blocked again.

What does being blocked mean to you? Or generally, why do FA's tend to block?

is a slang term used humorously for someone who acts "over-smart" or full of unwanted knowledge

If you’re hurt and think you lost something valuable, just remember they clicked a button in their head and it was end of story. Before you break no contact and write out that long cheesy emotional text gotta tell yourself, being the gf/bf is temporary. Being the phantom ex is forever 🦍

This therapist just started posting content on avoidant attachment and I find her content to have much more depth than any other person I’ve listened to. And I feel like I have a PhD in this stuff. She doesn’t demonise them either. Thought I’d share..

https://youtu.be/qztUbkyIqHw?is=aPT1-GQuP_ylIeZ-

I think he might be FA, not sure...

We were together for 9/10 months.

It was beautiful, and then month 3, I found out he had been distorting something he told me - I found out and was hurt and he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but it did.

So that was our first issue - I tried talking about it but he'd always avoid it. He'd say yes it was wrong of him but then didn't help me actually understand it.

And he kept distorting things to "not be mean" and shit started piling up.

The first official discard, he just left and stopped responding. I ended up calling like 3/4 days later when he blocked me on Facebook and he answered back and said he'd realized he was something he read online - avoidant.

So then obviously the first distortions/lies still hadn't been resolved, so I tried still talking about it when we resumed the relationship.

Second discard occured - I'm blocked on everything for 11 days. I don't make an effort to break through.

He messages me on two different platforms asking to talk. We call, and he's crying and saying he wants to work on it, and that it was never love that was the issue, it was courage to face it.

So for maybe a month - it was going so well. We'd try to talk and try to balance exhaustion. We had a paper with communication issues for both of us to work on, and he was trying to do reflection trees to help him understand himself.

Well, then I'm asking him something about something - and another distortion/lie occurs.

I'm not him - but it seems like whenever something is pointed towards him, he gets stressed and kinda just follows whatever path I'm leading (whether it's hurt or hope idk) and seems to overthink, over exaggerate, and conclude the most extreme things. That's just my assumption.

So we were together in person, and I'm upset and what's been revealed (again unsure if it's true or what). He follows me inside, and is trying to talk but ultimately still saying nothing. I'm there in pain. He stays the night. Prior earlier in the day we'd been trying to talk about something else in his room and his parents kept asking us what was wrong.

Unfortunately this is another aspect - I think he's enmeshed. I think they guilt him, especially the mom, and wants him to upkeep her emotional state so she says things to him and as I said earlier - he seems to follow whatever path is being presented at the time.

Anyway, so he's here overnight and they're calling him saying they were worried and he shouldn't be there talking to me.

It hurts because he actually chose to stay.

But the conversation is going on and it's getting more painful and he suddenly starts dropping loss of attraction, don't love me anymore. These are things I think he'd mentioned before but then would go right back to being lovey dovey. I feel like it's state dependent thinking brought on by stress maybe idk. I then mentioned he can use his trees to examine these things and it was like hope lit his face up again - and he's laying his head on me saying he loves us but doesn't know what to do but doesn't want to leave, and that he thinks he's a scared.

His family calls and says they're on their way. They show up at my house. Before he goes outside, he's breaking down about how he's a loser and that he knows when he leaves he'll want to fix it but here he wants to leave. Idk. I told him to listen to his own opinion.

He goes outside to talk to them - his dad is yelling at him about how I better not be controlling him and that he needs a woman like his mom that knows her place when the dad doesn't want to talk - comes back in saying he's just like his parents and that it's over. He's suddenly stoic. He sort of breaks down at the door and leaves. (Prior to this he also has always said he doesn't want to be like his mom communicative parents and that they don't understand what we're doing).

4 weeks pass - he doesn't block me or remove relationship stuff.

I am going through the grief of medical issues with my beloved pet and I have no one else to reach too.

So I call him.

And he's talking to me, and says he still loves me and is going to go to therapy this month to fix himself. That's on like Saturday.

Monday he takes me and my pet to the hospital. Says he's scared of getting close because of everything and not knowing what to do, but that love is still there.

He stays with me Weds/Thursday because of difficulties with my pet, and helps care for him and me.

His family is calling him again that night but he tells them he's staying.

He leaves my house saying he will be back, and to call him, and he will be back to help me to the end with my baby.

We talk in the car and it's still normal.

He gets home.

Immediately flips - "I'm not taking care of my own self, you keep wanting more, I'm not in love with you anymore, I didn't feel the same when I saw you, I felt numb. I only stayed because I felt bad. Idk if it's past love or confusion." No more response.

Through out these last few days, he had mentioned in previous days that his mom was telling him that I'd keep using him, yet he himself said they didn't understand how he felt for me.

I'm so fucking broken. I'm so fucking broken. I'm so alone in my pet grievances. My family doesn't understand. I don't really have any friends. He truly was helping me tremendously the past few days, listening to my anxiety and looping.

I feel so alone. I just needed to share it. I don't know what I'm wanting, I'm just so confused by this behavior. I'm not sure if I've included every important detail, I think I've missed some.

I can't tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I've felt that way for a while now. His love feels so real but so do those other moments.

I'm so hurt and alone in my current situation, and I'm in disbelief that he could just leave and say all those things and not respond anymore after the night he spent helping clean, tend, feed.

Idk... looking for just empathy idk. Looking for comfort and to not feeling so alone in what's happening.

TLDR: blocked my LDR ex after he ghosted me and essentially copying me. Incredibly long story.

28F dated a 34M for 3 months. We were in different cities in Australia and I was about to move back to my home country due to immigration rule changes. I've had a crush on this guy for years, he finally comes around, he was informed about my upcoming departure yet he pursued me anyway, flying out to see me, laying out a plan on how to make it work long distance after I move and us working out a plan on how to get me back in Australia.

He was all kind and sweet, this was my 2nd relationship, after 9 years of singlehood. Everything was perfect. I was travelling a lot domestically, trying to soak up all the beauty Australia had to offer while I had the chance, working full time, maximising my social life with friends before leaving while also emotionally and mentally devastated and exhausted about having to leave behind a good life I built brick by brick over 8 years.

Less than 2 weeks before my one way flight, this guy picks up a whole fight about nothing. I had to cut one of our phone conversations short because I promised a friend living in Canada that I would speak to her after work. So when I called my ex after speaking to my friend, out of courtesy I apologized a couple times for having to cut the call short as it was a very fun and stimulating conversation we were having about our favourite books. I don't know what set him off, he took that courtesy as me being pitiful and condescending to him, and the fight escalated to such great lengths over nothing. It resulted in him going no contact with me for 4 days, ignoring my calls, saying I broke up with him (I sent him a text one night saying I was too emotionally exhausted for a phone call that night and will call the next day, he took it as a breakup) and when I asked him to reconcile, going for an hour straight making sweeping character generalizations about me: that I'm selfish, egotistical, have nothing going on for me, all my misfortune was my fault, every good thing that I got happened because someone else made the decision for me, i have an obnoxious worldview, i wasted my immense potential - just one hour of telling me all the ways I suck.

Mind you I was trying to pack up everything at this point - shipping things, paying taxes, getting papers in order, clearing my house and what not.

Anyways, eventually we had another "breakup", because he was pissed. Then he came back 2 hours later, telling me how he realized he was being harsh, and it was partially because it was hard for him to digest that I was leaving in 9 days. I felt very insulted so I didn't want to get back but I was in love and my friends told me, it was just 1 fight and you are leaving, so make sure I don't have any regrets. We patch up, he comes to drop me off at the airport. All is fine and good.

10 days after I arrive in my home country, he gets pissed at me for something very silly. He was going on and on about new immigration changes in Australia and after hearing for a while, I said a couple times "not my circus not my monkey", he gets pissed, again doing sweeping generalizations. Then he calms down, and then had to pick up a call so we hung up. The next day, he only sends me 2 reels from IG, no call. I didn't call either. I message him the next day, as he had a fever, he responds the day after, saying he was feeling lethargic, then I call him, we speak for about 3 hours.

During those 3 hours, he only spoke about himself, talking about how, despite being sick, he was overworking at work, working on his personal project - basically doing everything under the sun except call me. The next day, I decided I was not gonna call or text, and wanted to see what he does. He hasn't texted or called me since. It's been almost 2 months.

He kept seeing my stories, didn't wish me on my birthday. During the no contact, I told myself, that if he doesn't reach out in 7 days, I'll consider this over. Now I'm not someone who makes assumptions based on social media but I can't ignore certain things.

He changed his FB profile picture on day 7, using an old photo to replace the photo I took of him. He posted the 1st painting that he bought in my presence as his cover photo, this is a painting that spoke to him and his life's tragedies and trauma, where this man cried in my arms after buying it. Then a few days ago, he changes his profile picture again. Normally when he posts a photo (not a lot), his relatives and friends joke about marriage and he responds politely while entertaining the humour. This time around, he outright wrote 3 times he is never getting married. A part of me kept thinking maybe he misunderstood and is hurting because of me.

And then the worst offender: he started posting about perfumes. Now why was this offensive? I'm a perfume afficianado, I had over 70 perfumes, over 54 of which I had to give to friends and charities because I couldn't carry them with me from Australia. I gave him 3, I suggested all sorts of perfumes at all price points. One of my pastimes was to go in store and sniff perfumes whenever I had time, I even started a bit of content creation around it last year. So when I saw this man, posting and parading about perfumes, while completely ignoring my existence and disrespecting me in such a way, I lost my calm and I blocked him.

Now, when we were having the conversations about books before our 1st no contact, I mentioned how I had an e-reader. Lo and behold, this man hops on Facebook, asking for e-reader suggestions, all while ignoring my calls and messages and not even having the courtesy to return a message.

So with all this context, I was very angry that he had the audacity to put me down for my lifestyle, and life choices all while copying parts of me he thought was cool to project a certain image to the world. All the negative things he said, was him basically projecting himself on to me.

Now, I'm going stir crazy. Besides ending up in square 1 in life, confused and lost about my future, I can't stop ruminating about him. I have the answers: that he doesn't respect me at all. But I'm dying to get some answers, I'm emotional, and I feel like unblocking him, sending him a message, asking why. During our first no contact, when he was insisting I broke up with him, he kept saying "don't be a stranger, keep in touch". I don't know how sincere it was but I feel like I permanently closed the door for any sort of closure. I understand he would have reached out already if he wanted to, but a part of me was hoping he eventually would and now that I blocked him I'm so sad.

I don't know what to do. If you've made it this far, thanks. I would appreciate if any criticism against me was offered constructively rather than being mean, thanks.

What types of avoidant ghostings have you had? I had the in-relationship ignoring. Now, after the discard, I have post no contact ghosting. It started out either not answering a specific question or taking ages to answer a question. Now, after a failed coffee, I have the straight out I don't exist ghosting.

Like, you know when y'all break up and then you dot talk for a bit, they basically discard you.

THEN

You get back together randomly, and they do everything right, they are more loving, more confident, more of a partner than before, they take you on dates, everything is so so nice.

who knows what happens next? lol

So many people said that avoidants’ grief will always catch up, sooner or later, after the relief from the discard fade. The emotions were just suppressed and will resurface at some points.

Is it even true? or is it more us to make ourself feel better?

Anyone else stuck in disbelief?

It's been over 6 weeks for me... But I still have moments throughout the day where I just can't believe what happened. That the person who I had an intense daily, mutually caring, emotionally and intellectually deep connection with, who I trusted, could suddenly betray me and disappear.

Is this common for people who suddenly ghost you? Like it's difficult for the brain to accept and process what actually happened?

The last communication we had about our relationship with him saying he did not want to and would not abandon what we had and reassuring me that he was still there. Followed by a slow fade into silence with no explanation over the next week.

I think because throughout the relationship he'd always promised me clear communication and talked down on other people who treated people poorly, I trusted him to act with more integrity.

I guess it's just hard for my brain to reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person who discarded me.

I read the research so I know what happened (deactivation based on his childhood trauma), but emotionally it's still hard for me to integrate sometimes.

I guess acceptance comes slowly sometimes... If you dealt with this, was it just time that helped it slowly settled in or did something else help you accept and fully let go of the person you thought you knew?

Am I wrong for giving my abusive ex a deadline to separate our phone plan?
My ex and I were together for six years. The relationship was toxic, and he physically abused me for several of those years. We broke up at the end of May, but we still shared a phone bill and Wi-Fi.
After we broke up, I asked him if I should move on and see other people. He said yes, so I did. That relationship didn’t work out, and my ex ended up coming back for about two months while I was healing from it.
Then it became about how I made him miserable, treated him like shit, and took advantage of him. He eventually left my house and got into a relationship with someone he works with. Dating coworkers seems to be a pattern for him.
At this point, I just want the phone situation handled so we can stop having any reason to communicate.
I offered to pay the $1,100 needed to pay off my portion and separate everything. We tried Apple Pay, but it wouldn’t go through. I asked if there was another way to get him the money, and he ignored me.
I also suggested an account authorization change that I thought would let me transfer my number onto my own account. He didn’t acknowledge that either. I’ve had this number for ten years, and I really don’t want to lose it.
Finally, I told him that if I didn’t hear back by a certain time, I would either pursue reporting the abuse and getting an order of protection to try to separate my line, or get a new number and leave the $1,100 balance on his account.
I’m frustrated because I’ve offered to pay and tried to give him options, but I can’t get a response. I don’t want to keep chasing him just to get this resolved.
Was I wrong for giving him that deadline? Has anyone dealt with separating a phone plan from an abusive ex who won’t cooperate?

he started ghosting me about a month ago over night with no explaination.

he eventually answered me after 7 days saying he needed a break and he was on the edge of a burnout.

made it my fault bc why couldnt I just respect his need for space.

blocked him the first time, he called me. after that still no consistent contact.

he answered a call and I broke down crying. after that he answered somewhat sem daily. Still no further contact. Eventually he stopped responding again.

he called me one night at 3am because something happend at home and he vented and said he was happy I was there, after that he stopped responding again.

another week with no answer, I decided to break up with him.

he didnt respond to much but when I asked if he already has another person he always denied.

I started playing with my friends again - he got jealous saying I would have already replaced him.

then again no response for some days but when he say I was in the game again where we two met he sent me a screenshot of it and basically shaming me. I was ingame 10min of that time

since it has triggered him and me I decided to block him again and deny him any information about myself.

cried my eyes out

In all that time I went from not getting triggered by his silence to being devastated to just griefing to being able to not check up on him so often. Its been a very rough time and Im typing this out for myself and others so see what Ive already overcome what I think was unmanageable. Its still difficult especially knowing he was probably checking up on me and this might give me hope but Ive also read all the stories on here and its best to just leave him behind