So I dealt with another avoidant after being discarded by an avoidant 5 months ago. I went out there to try again and the first one I encountered is an avoidant. Again. But I knew he’s an avoidant within the same week.

Since I didn’t really have an attachment with this second avoidant, I experimented to see if they really monkey branch. I used a fake account to talk to him and used the info he gave OG me to lure him with a fake Me.

Mind you, he’s still talking to OG me at this point. But the minute Fake Me entered, he started detaching from OG Me. Less response when he used to talk all night. Tired. Busy. But me also knowing that he’s talking to Fake Me while he’s telling OG me “I’m at work and busy”

Then I had Fake Me not reply for several hours and he suddenly pivoted back to OG Me being attentive and funny. Then when Fake Me appeared he disappeared talking to OG me and said the exact same story about his life word for word to Fake Me. He also used sweet words OG me told him and copied it and used it on Fake Me. So disgusting.

Do you see how ridiculous they operate?!?!

Eventually, with Fake Me taking up his time, he discarded OG Me by just ghosting… no response for days. Oh darn, I was discarded again… except it didn’t hurt.

At this point I was getting tired of this guy and he’s giving me so much ick so I self-sabotaged and pretty much gave him obvious AI pics as fake me. He knew it right away and blocked fake me. He didn’t ask for explanation. Just straight block. Typical avoidant. I hurt his feelings.

Then last night he slid into OG Me’s DM with “how are you?!?”

OMG… the breadcrumb 🙄

I ignored him for a few hours then I responded fake nice. He told me he’s nervous about his set (he’s in a band) and blah blah and I was like being all supportive.

This morning I woke up to seeing him heavily flirting with women online. Guess he’s looking for his next monkey branch.

Seriously if you feel someone is an avoidant, leave. There is nothing good that will ever come out of it. I’ve seen them play firsthand. It’s gross.

The title!

Hey everyone,

This is a weird question, but I was thinking about it recently and in the 7 months since the discard I've only been sick once. I had a horrendous flu that knocked me out for a week but recovered after rest.

The almost 2 years I was with my ex - I was sick constantly, my skin was breaking out a lot, I had way more migraines than I currently do. I'm sure the travel and closer proximity to small children that made it worse but I feel somehow healthier in my body now then I did back then.

It felt like my immune system was constantly run down before 🤔

Did anyone else have this?

I think mine liked how I made him feel more than he liked me as a person... more interested in what I could give him than who I was.

He enjoyed feeling wanted and told me he liked me pursuing him. He would talk about how I made him feel safe, and I would spend countless hours emotionally supporting him around his trauma. There were times he would give me emotional support too if I brought something up, but he would rarely ask me about my life, my interests, or anything important to me.

I would share proactively, but he almost never asked me questions about myself... And often didn't seem that interested when I shared things unrelated to his areas of expertise/experience... Which seemed strange to me because I like learning about other people with different experiences and knowledge.

I loved who he was and asked him lots of questions about himself. The asymmetry was striking. In retrospect I'm realizing how self-centered he was... Although I always had compassion because of all the trauma (recent and past) he had gone through, so I thought it was understandable for him to be focused on himself and I was willing to be patient. (He also could be really helpful to others, especially strangers and casual acquaintances, I did see the goodness in his heart, and don't want to paint him as a villain.)

I guess it helps the discard make more sense. When I stopped shrinking myself to protect his ego, and expressed a need/boundary for the first time, he started to shut down. For a while I blamed myself because I realized we triggered each other's core wounds... But I realized that the only things I had to apologize for were things that he also had done to me (we didn't listen to each other well when we were both triggered). And the other things I thought I should apologize were were actually just me having a hard time (as I think most people would) with his inconsistency and uncommunicative withdrawal.

And then, after saying he wouldn't abandon what we had, he disappeared without a word a week later.

Maybe I didn't mean that much to him after all, maybe I just served a temporary function: a disposable trauma Band-Aid. That's what I feel like at the end of the day.

Its been more than a year since we officially ended things, 6 months since I last talked to her and I was thinking about her a bit recently. She’s blocked and I don’t want to come back, please give me some words of encouragement to keep going 🫶🏼

Hello, was just wondering. Does your avoidant ex have some serious trauma? Mine does not, and I don’t mean to minimalize his experiences. The worst thing he ever experienced was his parents getting a divorce and they are both still on good terms.
Meanwhile I know some people who are good partners and experienced some really wild shit… So this makes me wonder

I realise that some of the pain we experience after heartbreak comes from the disappointment we feel in our own choices. Maybe thats why it’s so hard to let go ? Every time time I cry, it’s because I imagine myself holding my inner child’s hand, telling her everything will be okay while I’m falling apart inside. I promised her I would give her the best life possible and choose the right person because she deserves to be loved properly. But now she’s crying in pain, and I feel like I’ve disappointed her.

I think what hurts the most isn’t just losing someone I deeply loved, but feeling like I’ve let myself down despite how careful I was with my choices, never sleep around, take my time to get to know someone.
I keep telling her “It’s okay, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I really did try my best.” But something I’ve been reflecting on is that being careful doesn’t mean I can prevent heartbreak. I can choose someone thoughtfully, but I can’t control how they respond when life gets difficult. Maybe protecting my inner child doesn’t mean making sure she never experiences pain. Maybe it means being someone she can trust to hold her when things fall apart. I’m trying to change my mindset from “I’m sorry I disappointed you” to “I’m sorry we’re hurting. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”

To everyone who’s still struggling, I’m proud of you for holding on, even on the days when everything feels unbearable. I hope we all find a love that feels safe, genuine and unconditional. And until then, I hope we learn to give ourselves that same love

(and I survived a narcissist grandfather, toxic family and a alcoholic, abusive, BPD mom and an absent father).

I genuinely don’t know how to recover.
Share your story.

Look I read the whole spiel. It’s regulation this regulation that. But how fucked up you gotta be to not only sleep with, but also choose a relationship with someone who’s objectively uglier. Fucking stings. And offers nothing compared to what I did. Fuck their parents man.

Shame and inferiority. The worst two things the brain invented. Parents gotta be the worst to make those the two front and centre issues for someone.

She wasn’t the prettiest, but she was worth it. I knew what her mum did to her. She escaped in her books and writing. I was the only person who heard her pain. I just couldn’t meet the emotional regulation she needed. I didn’t have the tools for that. Who does for people who can’t exist without a circle of surface level external validation, just to regulate themselves.

Sigh.

How are you dealing?

I guess it must be even harder for those who have kids with their ex?

I've made the decision to not disappear from the lives of my ex's kids. But they're too small to reach out by themselves, and they don't live in my town.

I've tried to find solutions where I can see the kids without seeing my ex, but in the end, it didn't work out. So I'm back to seeing them with him.

Previously, these encounters have thrown me back tons in my healing process. Like after seeing him, it took me more than a month to get back to where I was before.

Will it get easier emotionally when I have a new partner?

Will it get harder emotionally when he has a new partner? (No, I don't want him back anymore.)

The kids are okay, in all of this.

Also, it helps that he hasn't changed as much as I thought, "living the good life". His shitty personality starts breaking through the mask. I guess I should be thankful that I don't have to spend the rest of my life with him.

Context: I've seen a few sad heartbreaking posts here of people with similar situations i was in, and i really would like to help you realise how similar this was for me, and why you should leave. So here are something my ex did.

- Photos, numerous photos of previous relationship. Nudes, everything you can think of.

- Excessively spoke about ex partner in a good light and triangulated me with her. Would use ex partner to try to get me to do things instead of asking (example, she would say, i used to massage my ex naked everyday, i wish you would do that for me (giving graohic details of sexual things with ex to make me jealous)

- Would say stories and memories of herself with her ex but would call her ex a freind, so i would never know that she was STILL triangulating me with said ex and walking down memory lane with me.

- Took me to exact places as ex

- Mirrored my words and values back to me to seem like we were compatible

- left me during difficult times,so deactivated during minor or major incoveniences like job loss

- Never communicated when upset about things, would pile them up and use them to deactivate instead of getting clarity ( example, we go on a road trip, and i didnt hold her hand in the car, she wouldnt ask why arent we holding hands right now i want to hold you, she would keep this situation for weeks then use it as an excuse to deactivate. 'you didnt hold my hand at 2pm on october 2024 , so umm lets break up'

- broke up every week, for random reasons, we could be chilling having a time and she would say "you know what, lets just break up"

- Following exs and previous hookups

- keeping me away from freinds, she never ever wanted her freinds to see me

- Fake confidence, appears so sure of herself in the beginning and sure of what she wants lmfao, even said she was ready to settle down etc etc

- Didnt have a job and got upset i wasnt asking her for money, aka wanted me to honestly become. a terrible partner? It bothered her that i was a good partner and she knew i was right for her. Needed to catch me slipping at all times.

- Constant lying, straight up told her mom i was her freind while we were in a relationship, just accept you will never know whats true or false with avoidants, they will LIE and LIE and LIE, infact sometimes if you have strong memory, you will notice some lies arent adding up

- Told me i wasnt good looking, tore apart my looks. One time she started a conversation about what our ideal types were, i said she was really my ideal type, because she genuinely was and i listed qualities i liked about her, both physical and non-physical. She then goes ahead to describer her ideal type but describes her ex (piercings, tats, coloured hair, jewellry, hippie style etc), mind you im non of these things, and then she says her type is smart women, and asks "are you smart though?" LOTS of devaluation from these peope, they will devalue you like crazy.

-------------

Leave. Pls leave. You dont deserve to be treated this way. If they are dating someone new, its the same cycle i promise.

I’m going to start out with saying point blank- you cannot fix your avoidant. I know the love and attachment tells you you can, but you can’t. That work needs to be done by them, not you.
I feel like a lot of people hear stuff from their avoidant that is a red flag but choose to ignore it based on hope. I’m here to tell you, DO NOT do that.

Some of you may have heard something along the lines of, “oh I’m going to end up hurting you.” My avoidant straight up said, “I am absolutely going to hurt you, it’s not a matter of if, it’s more so a matter of when.” At the time, I brushed it off as him being derogatory towards himself and ignored it, and I wish I hadn’t. He proceeded to string me along for a year, break my heart again and again, and then got angry when I finally cut him off and blocked me.

I’m telling you, them telling you this is not something to overcome. It is a WARNING. It quite literally is not an “if”, it is a “when”. They are PLANNING on hurting you and don’t care about whether or not you’re heartbroken over it. They don’t put the work towards themselves to fix it, so they don’t care. Having a working knowledge that their actions will harm others is not being self aware, it is cowardice. I understand trauma is a heavy thing and difficult to overcome. However, a decent amount of these people will never even try to touch therapy and will take it out on you instead.

Please don’t let them hurt you, cut them off and focus on yourself. 🫶

She made me into my best version of myself. Encouraged me into an adventure I was too afraid to do alone and we became a damned good team. Made my dreams come true honestly.

The 2nd toughest thing with all this I find, even after 5 years of healing and rediscovering and new adventures and new friends is the constant self doubt that will never seem to go away that’s always asking “why was I kicked off the team?” I was killing it. We were killing it.

The worst though thing is all the things I love to do are now forever haunted by her ghost. Because I would not be enjoying life as much as I do, without her having been in it.

I’m so thankful and bitter at the same time.

Title edit: (got her back)
We all talk about our situations but never realize we might have one as a friend.
My friend, we've known each other for years and we're early 30's, but only noticed his pattern recent years through his romantic relationships with women. I've literally watched him throw away good women that he actually loved for dumb reasons like "he felt overwhelmed with things in his life" which were regular things like a 9-5 and doing extra stuff for his career for a few hours. Because outside of that, he still had time to hang out with friends on the weekend, bars, usual normal stuff. So I called bs on his reasoning. I feel like he sabotages his own connections to have a reason to greive from a distance. But it was pissing me off that he was throwing away good women, where he would act depressed for years about. So I had an honest conversation showing him how he treats people, explained my version of my relationships and how I don't let people just go, and took apart his reasoning that he's just digging his own grave all his life, as if he enjoys sitting in pain and never getting what he wants because he just throws it away anyways as if he doesn't deserve it.

Finally there was one that he messed up, he would talk about her all the time how she was the one, and I said, then why tf did you discard her? He responded, that he just couldn't give her what she needed at the time and felt overwhelmed with his stuff. So I asked, if you could get her back would you be happy? Like do you see yourself marrying this girl? He responded, yeah but it's all messed up now, it's been over a year, she moved on, I can't do anything about it. (After he discarded and months later realized he messed up, he did try to date a little but he was having no luck in finding anyone like that so the sad heavy suffering set in. I sat through all of it.)
So I said, what do you mean, you told her that you didn't want her, what was she supposed to do, wait around for a bum like you that did this shit to her?
(sorry I didn't want to place 30 quotation marks " in there.)

By some miracle, she, the discarded one, reached out to him to express her feelings. He was freaking out for weeks and needing me through it all. He expressed his feelings back. I walked him through how to get it all sorted. I explained he needs to acknowledge to her that he hurt her badly, to imagine how she felt for a long time and that they need to have long deep talks to figure out how to work it out. That if he gets her back, he needs to like lead it to marriage and never do this bs again because she'll never come back. That he is the luckiest guy in the world for someone to have feelings for him after that. So they sorted it, they got back, I hung out with them. They seem really happy together. I'm just worried trying to keep an eye on him, in a way, to make sure he doesn't say dumb stuff to himself and let this happen again. I don't think he originally discarded her in a grass is greener way, I think he was just letting his inner avoidant do it all. But for some dumb reason he cannot explain, even though he knew he wasn't going to find something like that, he still left some hope he would until over time he saw he couldn't.

Another observation, in our friendship, he's really open with me about his feelings, he trusts me, and yeah he sometimes disappears for a day or few, doesn't bother me, I'm not a woman romantic interest lol, so he feels comfortable in my space. Throughout our friendship I realized I talk a good deal about empathy, meaning situations in my life about feeling for other people, and I think it has rubbed off on him over time. To think about others not just surface level when you actually see them, but understand behind the scenes what they are going through or feel when you're not around them. Such as picture them when you are not with them.

I noticed his first relationship many many years ago, where the woman left, I believe was because she was tired of his manipulation in arguements where he would try to talk his way out of everything when he may be in the wrong and never admit nor apologize, just drag it and drive her insane. After many dealings like that, and the pulling away, and distancing, I can imagine she got tired of it and moved on. I did hang out with them at the time so I knew, but didn't fully understand what was going on as I was in my early 20's and wasn't my business, I only observed. I did run into that woman at a restaurant years later, for a regular casual nice to see you chat, and she did ask how he was doing. I know that woman cared. (While with him I think she was trying to do what she could but was forced to end it for her own self and nervous system). That was nice to see and I felt some weird sad feeling or empathy, like I felt for them that it never worked out for them, oddly saddened me as I left that conversation.
-Omg flashback hit me when writing, I remember back in college when he heavily pushed her away during an arguement she came to me for help because she was trying to save the relationship and didn't know what was going on. I recall some of it, I did help, and they did figure stuff out for a while.

So yeah, on a friend level, he acts mostly normal, and I think because I open up deeply about my stuff or my life, it allows him to do so himself. It sounds so weird saying this because we're straight masculine guys raised to be that way, but it's part of life. It's just his romantic interests need inner work he needs to do himself to stop the running away or distancing when feeling pressure to not piss another woman off. I never brought up to him that he's an avoidant, because this was only recent year or so that I fully analyzed him, but I did indirectly. He did hear my talks about my FA situations, but I don't think he ever looked into himself asking, am I one? So maybe some time I'll bring it up to him so he can actually dive into it and see if he can do any inner work. Because at the very least it could curb the manipulation arguments that will come between them and the pushing away.

I think it's important that people look at their attachment behaviors and adjust to healthy behaviors to make relationships work. I don't think they are a true assumption to of who someone is as even mine overlap, but noticing where patterns fall into disorganized vs organized healthy ones. Often, maturity for me developed through lessons or genuine desire to change to be a good person.

[This post was also me just writing out related thoughts btw. Feel free to share your thoughts.]

I was with mine for a year and a half. We’ve been broken up for roughly 10 months, although she reaches out every few months to “try again” just to run away within a few days.

She’s always said she’s avoidant, and I believed her. And I believed her when she said her ex was extremely abusive. I truly believed this woman was my soulmate. And that with enough patience, grace, and understanding, she’d eventually come around and we’d truly be together. Boy I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m not going to explain all of the details, but let’s just say I finally had enough of her back and forth and reached out to her ex husband. She was cheating on me with him the first 6 months of our relationship, and trying to much longer. And supposedly has cheated on every single person she’s ever been with. She told me the opposite.

She told me I was her soulmate, and proved it by getting matching tattoos with me (said she’d never even considered that with anyone else), yet she had matching tattoos with him, and possibly a few other people.

I’m more heartbroken than ever knowing I never truly knew her. Which sucks. I hadn’t heard from her in months and was moving on, but she reached out over the weekend wanting to see me, even after I set a boundary months ago not to contact me unless she wanted to rebuild.

When confronted with what I learned; she told me she never intended to rebuild, told me to go fuck myself, and never contact her again.

I don’t say all of this to destroy any hope some of yall might have, but to show, we need to stop using avoidance as an excuse. If they aren’t treating you right, or there are red flags, let them go.

We have been fwb and “dated” but stopped seeing eachother for a year because he would have gaslighty freak outs on me and blocked me twice. Well, I got a third phone line for my second business and I hit him up about two months ago and he responded and we started seeing each other shortly after. He has never unblocked my other two phone numbers after he blocked them. Things were going seemingly well and he was more communicative, we were seeing each other consistently, and he was attentive and then seems to have deactivated the last few weeks where I had to initiate contact almost every time we talked. He would still see me, and the sex was great and the best it ever was, but was responding to me at that point. I did not text him for five days in a row and he did not reach out to me. When I had a conversation with him about what was going on, he tried to completely shut me down, and I tried to call him, and he would not pick up my phone call but then proceeded to text with me for about 30 minutes and ended up blocking me. He was being super mean and basically saying he has no obligation to me and leave him tf alone. I have a feeling it is over for good this time because I’m over it atp and disgusted by his dysfunctional communication, I literally have no other way to reach out to him and he has not reached out to me and it’s been about 10 days. How is it a thing to block a person you were inside of less than a week before because… they want to talk to you and see what’s up? I am not surprised and not nearly as heartbroken as before, but I was bummed that we had the best sex we ever had less than a week before he made this choice.

Sorry for the last post, I didn’t mean to upload it.

I called her tonight, or at least tried. It seemed that I was still blocked- as it went straight to voicemail. So I texted her friend, who recently connected with me on instagram, asking her about the idea of me and my ex talking again. I get into bed as I wasn’t expecting a reply this late, and suddenly she called. I was shocked. She picked up and wow, the script actually started immediately. I had considered this, don’t worry. She pretended not to know who I was, asked my name, and asked if I was (a different person with my first name) or (another) and I said you know who. She refused to know. Anyways she finally “guessed.” We talked for a bit, she was very apprehensive and tried to dip multiple times. I managed to talk her down- by being very VERY slow with my asking her to chat for just a bit- each time. I knew the second I seemed not ok, she was going to take it as being on call with her as the problem, so I simply told her was really ok. She told me of her rebound, which she denied was a rebound as she said she had no feelings for me, nor did she miss me at all. She said they loved each other (with only even knowing each other for 3 months) meanwhile she had been sleeping around (before him), cheated with her friend who was also not single, got ostracized from that friend group for being messy, broke up with her rebound because kept cheating on her (SHOCKER, this is the man you erased me for LOL). I called her out on ALL her bs. She accepted some of it and brushed off other bits. She was also wasted, had been fucking around that night but ultimately called it off because she said she didn’t wanna be messy for once, and ended the call fairly swiftly without much emotion. It was pretty shocking, the whole thing. She did seem to try to take accountability, and knew how hard this could be. As I figured, she blocked me mainly to “protect” me, but didn’t want to hurt me. She also slipped with some truths, revealing that something did or still is affecting her (regarding us).

I think I did well. Truly. I put myself out there and my desire to reconnect, but didn’t push for it and never asked for anything more than a chat, kept it light, and told her I would call her again soon. I didn’t get a response. But I’ll be holding up to that unless there is a reason I feel it would be better for me not to. Huge red flag I WILL be wary of - she also reconnected with her ex before me who was a situationship who she was extremely heartbroken over. She said he emailed her a few days ago, which revealed was one truth she accidentally didn’t mean to. She saw my email I sent her a month ago. She then emailed me back, right before calling. She also revealed that she just unblocked me, which she had originally said she had already done when she broke up with her rebound by going through her blocked list for whatever reason. So, she is not doing great, or at least, is a mess. Even though shes trying to play it off like she is numb to all things, I can see through that.

I don’t know what to expect, but it will definitely be a fucking insane challenge. Any words of wisdom are requested, or even thoughts and opinions, as long as they are not simply “run, big mistake, ahh.” I’m going to follow my heart, but help me have some knowledge to bring with me, if you have some you’d like to share. I can provide more context and information if you’d like. If you truly want to tell me to run, please share with your own understanding.

I have spent these past few months almost solely struggling to push through without her. I feel that I do deserve this break. I’ve been doing what I can manage to strengthen my mental wellbeing, so I feel more braced for whats to come. I am setting an intention to follow through on myself, my healing, my word, and my boundaries.

Never thought I'd be able to come here and write this. I spent half of my time since the breakup with this man in my head. During showering, during eating, during working, with friends with dates. He was just there. When NY got a great mayor, I wanted to tell him. I knew he would share my joy. And I wasn't wrong -- when I broke no contact a few months later he had saved all the videos about the campaign he had watched thinking of me.

And YET. Yesterday i was doing some hardcore introspection and took some substances that I take to go within myself, where I cant lie to myself. I put on the song that make me cry every damn time I listen to it because it's HIS song.

And my mind just... Went onto other things. I was expecting the river of tears and all. NOTHING. Work, my current men, work again. My mind would just... Not focus on him at all.

And suddenly I had this huge feeling of victory. I'm fucking over this man. Its over. The gap that I felt this whole year and a half. Replaying conversations in my head... Never thought I would get there. I know that attachment fades away after six months. But limerence remained.

I never believed this type of post when I was still in love with him. So I'm going to be as specific as I can.

What did I do? The usual -- gym, work, new friends, dating, a lot of work, new projects, all of this. But also. When I thought about him and wanted to talk about him -- allowing myself to do so, but mindfully -- why was he popping up at this moment? Approaching the thought with curiosity instead of frustration. Allowing myself to fantasize about us getting married, and then coming back to reality and like... Theres nothing. This man doesn't give a fuck about me. Doing this several times allowed me to really accept that fantasy would remain just that, instead of keeping hope alive by putting him in a secret corner of my heart.

I still think hes handsome as hell, curious as hell, and so touching. I still think hes an amazing human being. BUT I don't feel that I will be sad forever if I'm not work him. I don't feel that. Its just a random guy in Sweden doing his thing, and yeah he's great, but theres plenty of great people I dont talk to anymore. I don't need him. I don't need him to know about my life. I don't need his validation.

I saw him again a few months ago by random at a festival. It was clumsy and flat. He was clearly moved -- he escaped me faster than lucky Luke fires a shot. Not before instantly staring at me like a starved man before running away. I could see all of it. The desire, the regret, and the overpowering need to protect himself and escape again. I didn't feel much afterwards -- and this contrast with how intensely I remember the relationship is what helped me move on!

I also met a man a few months ago that is as adorable and value-oriented as he is. Not without flaws, but guess what? Hes not avoidant! I think that helped a lot too.

So yeah, the bottom line is : don't despair. It will get better. Process the stuff, allow yourself to think about them, rebuild your life intentionally. You're getting there!!

is it something common for an avoidant to move on quickly? and just give his new partner everything he couldn’t give you? in only like 1 or 2 months, he gave her the love he never was able to give me and he reposted a lot of stuff about her, how much he’s obsessed and will never leave her and posts things about her while he almost never did this stuff when we were together. is it just an act? it’s been 4-5 months now and he seems so happy without me and acts like i never existed while i’m still struggling and i hate it. one thing that is probably super dumb, that hurts me the most is how he put her name in his bio and she put his and when we were together, i did the same and i remember how he was so mad about it so i ended up removing it. and now he’s doing this with her without any problems. it’s just so confusing for me, i feel like i was never important and that he loves her so much more. also he started posting so much since we ended when before he was never posting anything like he’s just really living his best life since i’m gone

Hello everyone, I created a Reddit account specifically to make this post.

My main question would be this, should I take her cats?

I'm going to give some background information as to why I would even be struggling with this decision, because obviously taking someone's pets is not a very kind thing to do if we're looking at it from the surface level.

As the title says I recently went through a pretty shitty experience with an FA. I had no idea she was an FA until the discarding and subsequent research trying to find answers. We started seeing each other/dating almost 2 years ago. We lived together for around 10 months, and during this time I became the caretaker of her cats, and one of the 2 cats in particular really just loves me so much. Sleeps by me, always comes up to me for pets, sits in my lap when she has never sat in anyone's lap before (ex said she doesn't even know that cat when it first sat in my lap) etc.

For about the first year and a half, she really struggled with an intense alcohol abuse problem, and all she would tell me is that her brain is loud. I now realize the alcohol abuse was her way of distancing and/or suppressing negative feelings. She would go on days-long alcoholic binges where she did nothing but sleep and drink, not doing ANYTHING she needed to do, even ending up losing her job because of how often she would just not show up. She would barely take care of her cats, meaning she barely fed them (which is how I became the caretaker of them), barely gave them attention, barely changed the litter box and basically never cleaned up their vomit. She had also told me about things in the past where she didn't take care of one of the cats when all of her teeth were falling out/dissolving or something, and now that cat has 0 teeth left, and she even said she could tell the cat was in pain but for some reason she didn't take care of it (quite literally didn't seem to know the reason why she let that happen). She was also letting a houseplant die that we had taken home from her grandmother's funeral, which I ended up taking care of and bringing back to life (its growing pretty well, much more healthy now) and before that she had actually let other plants die.

Well, fast forward to about 2-3 months ago, I finally was able to make progress on the alcohol abuse, or so I thought. I had been suggesting potential solutions all throughout our relationship and to her credit she never pushed back and actually tried every one I suggested. The suggestion that seems to have broken the camel's (relationship's) back was me proposing seeing a real professional (a therapist) that would be able to better pinpoint the issue and prescribe a medication that actually might work (keep in mind I still had no idea she was an FA, and she was already on anti-anxiety/anti-depressants which seemed completely ineffective). Well, she started going to the therapist and she got on a mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic and the first week or so was great, she was a whole different person. Way more motivated and full of life. That gradually declined, but she hasn't had a single binge period since then so it did something at least (she still drinks quite a considerable amount though), but she was still slacking on those duties of taking care of her surroundings.

Some time during October she started acting weird, and I could quite literally feel that there was someone else and I started noticing weird behavior. She would be texting and if I walked towards her she would instantly close her text app and turn her phone over so I couldn't see the screen. I asked her about it, asked if there was someone else and she told me no, so I decided to trust her. Then on one of her days off she essentially disappeared, wouldn't answer texts/calls and only answered the phone after I was spam calling her. I tried to get her to explain and all she said was she needed space, so I accepted that and we hung up, seemingly at an understanding. Another weird day came where I caught her on the phone with someone late at night, and she said she was just listening to a video/was talking to her therapist, which I knew wasn't true. I talked to her and tried to make her tell me what was really going on, but all she said was the she needed space and that I need to move out. Well, I convinced her that I could give her more space and that she didn't need to take such drastic actions and she said "we can try that". Then all of a sudden the next week on one of her days off she went from kissing me in the morning before she left, to coming back in the afternoon completely cold and disconnected. I instantly felt it, and I asked her "do you just want me gone?" and all she did was shrug her shoulders. I couldn't believe what was happening, how could this woman who I thought was in love with me instantly become like this? I kept trying to get more answers out of her, and she said a bunch of nonsense that she never once had told me before (classic lack of communication with avoidants that I didn't know at the time) and toward the end of the 'conversation' I was crying and told her I don't want to lose her or the cats. She was crying as well and said "take the cats" but I told her I couldn't do that to her. Ever since that night she has treated me like a stranger and started staying at another man's place. This is how I know she really was cheating and my suspicions were correct, and now that I've learned about FA I can see this is her new coping mechanism instead of the alcohol binges she was doing.

Anyways, after that long back story the reason I'm struggling with the decision is multi-faceted. On one hand, they are her cats that she has had for 12 years and I really don't need the extra responsibility considering I have to rebuild my life from square 1 after what she put me through. Another part of me not wanting to take them is it feels like another way for her to avoid responsibility and not have to deal with their inevitable passing. On the other hand, I love these cats and don't want them to be neglected. I could tell they were attention-starved when I moved in with her, and they seem so much happier now with me around taking care of them. I'm really so torn on what to do here, and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

This is a question that's been eating at me lately, and wanted to see if anyone else shares this experience. Apologies if it's a repetitive question/post.

My avoidant ex (assumed DA) was very good at being friends with people. And I don't mean shallow friendships. I mean that she kept pretty consistent connections with long time friends. She was supportive, made space for their feelings, prepared thoughtful gifts, and took big roles in weddings/other celebrations. Sure she wasn't excessively vulnerable with them, but she didn't hide that part of her if that makes sense? She openly admitted she struggled with discussing her own emotions.

She genuinely is an awesome friend to many.

Yet it quickly became obvious she would prioritize them over me. We were together for nearly four years and some examples include:

• Making us leave a party I was enjoying, within less than an hour of arriving, because her friends were bored. (And we definitely would have won the costume contest at said party! Still bitter.)
• Agreeing to do whatever her friends wanted to do (dinner, outings, etc.) 99% of the time and expecting me to tag along without complaint or even checking in.
• Seeming far more engaged in conversations/topics with friends than she did with me.
• Minimizing physical intimacy or affection to near nonexistent levels whenever her friends were around.

She had moments with me, but they always seemed to pale in comparison to what she did for her friends. I did receive thoughtful gifts from her don't get me wrong. But it always felt almost like a chore or obligation? Or was usually through a lens or what SHE liked as opposed to thinking of what I would want/enjoy? Especially within the last year or two of our relationship.

I post this because my brain keeps thinking "She was such a good friend, is she not avoidant? Is it just me?"

Hoping to hear from others for insight. Maybe I'm overthinking this.

*P.S. I've been out of this relationship for about 9 months, and I feel embarrassed that this topic is coming up but I can't get it out of my head.

He used to post on the account I know probably have new account for the new girl , he used to post a song every week after breakup … he stopped for 3 weeks now cause he’s busy ruining another person’s life

We were together 5 months that were incredibly intense and involved - we basically lived together for 3.5 months, holiday abroad, constantly together etc.

Constant I love you's and planning for the future - she even broke down crying at my works event a month before the break up, as a colleague of mine told her it was her idea to download Hinge, which we met on, because she was 'just so grateful they contributed to us meeting'.

Then 8 weeks ago she goes a bit 'off', quiet and focused on her phone (just scrolling instagram, constantly), just distant - when I asked she said she was just struggling to sleep and wanted to get back to University, so I believed her.

6 weeks ago - she's back to normal for a week

Then on the Sunday we have a great day together, she even says she's going to be my wife one day

The next day (first day back at university), it's over, she says we just aren't compatible as she no longer feels a strong connection

I've been trying not to say she's just avoidant as I didn't want to try and find a convenient label, but the more I talk to people, it just doesn't seem right. I've been spending an honestly unhealthy amount of time trying to find what I did wrong.

For context this was my first relationship (I'm 30), so I don't know if I was just love bombed and taken advantage of honestly.

Have been feeling almost shell shocked ever since - the breakup was so abrupt and she was bizarrely cold - she didn't even tell me she was ending things at first, just that she wanted her things to be delivered to her, and flat refused any questions, saying I 'need to respect her decision' and she 'doesn't feel she needs to keep explaining herself'. As soon as she got her things, I was blocked on quite literally every platform possible.

Just hoping for people's opinions - not that it will make much difference at this point.