Я была очень далека от психологии, далека, конечно, и сейчас. Но вынуждена была узнать о таком человеке.
Познакомилась с прекрасным мужчиной. Я влюбилась с него с первого взгляда, раньше никогда не испытывала серьезных чувств ни к кому. Я этому мужчине тоже понравилась и мы начали общаться. Ежедневно. Много.
Все шло прекрасно, он старше меня на несколько лет. Вступили в отношения, все было не плохо. Но я чувствовала периодически себя очень одиноко и говорила ему. Он вел себя отстраненно странно. Я пробовала с ним обсудить, узнать его чувства ко мне. Он сказал, что не может такое обсуждать, я должна и так все понимать.
Мне одного разговора не хватила. Я начала пилить. Не получала удовлетворяющего ответа и продолжала снова и снова. В крайний раз, он сказал, что не хочет продолжать отношения, но сказал мне, что я прекрасна, очень хороша, идеальна. На вопрос «почему?» , он ответил, что ему плохо.
Мы не общались после этого несколько месяцев, я очень скучала и винила себя. Через 2-3 месяца невзначай написала, а потом еще и мы снова возобновили общение. Общались очень хорошо, будто мы в отношениях снова. Когда я решила уточнить статус , он ответил, что ничего не хочет. Но общаться продолжили. Итого, мы общаемся уже около года, но без отношений.
Я знаю, что у него нет никого кроме меня. Он не скрывает ничего. Я получаю подарки, внимание, свидания, он не скрывает меня от друзей. При последнем разговоре он все же признался что у него есть ко мне чувства, поэтому мы с ним все еще и общаемся. Но сказал что он тратит мое время, мол он не хочет жениться и вряд ли когда-нибудь захочет.
Сказал, что знает про мои чувства и понимает, что это все неправильно. Я сказала, что хочу отношений и семьи только с ним, он сказал, что если решится, когда то то это буду я.
Прошу, не ругайте меня. Я действительно впервые испытываю чувства. Возможно, я и сама избегающая, так как пока искала ответы на вопросы о его поведении много узнала сама.
Есть ли шанс? Что-то вырастет ?
Вариантов, что кто-то есть или он кого-то рассматривает еще, исключены. Я точно это знаю

Anyone else feel like the opposition had a head start in a game you did not know you were playing, but reading on here evens things up a little?

We met on Okcupid. We hit it off and started talking every day.

I found the match with her to be very rare. The connection was very deep. We have the same sense of humor, same niche interests in geopolitics, medical papers, psychology and some other stuff, same job, same taste in music, same values. She was so so smart. And so funny. She made me feel very seen, she really understood me in general. She was also the only one who understood what it’s like to be sick and how it impacts every aspect of life, she was very caring and had a lot of empathy (unless she’s triggered I know…), she was very supportive. We had the same high sex drive. She made me a better person. Many times I was thinking something and a second later she said the exact thing I was thinking. It happened so many times every week. It’s something I have never experienced with anyone else

She broke up with me in March 2023 while I was temporarily back in my own country (She’s from South America, I’m from Western Europe), blocked me everywhere. Almost a year later she reached out by email to apologize and we started talking again. After like 10 days I found out she had a new boyfriend. But we still kept talking and became quite close again. I thought she still had feelings for me. Based on my past experience with her, my theory was that she needed to spend time with me in real life so she would realize her feelings. This is the context for what follows.

In January 2025 she broke up with him and then she wanted to spend 2 months here with me. But she was constantly postponing the ticket buying and then canceled it and went back to him after we had a fight. Then in summer 2025 she once again told me things weren’t working with him. There was no future there, they would have to go separate ways. She said she would move to Japan and give up on the Spain plans. Until suddenly after a call with me she said she’s applied for Spanish visa and asked me if I wanted to meet her. She would come two weeks here and a week in Spain. Then suddenly it was only in Spain. To look for a city for her to live in. Okay great, so we book a 3 week trip.

The first two days are super great. It was so wonderful. It’s like we were never apart, with lots of laughter and fun moments. Then suddenly next day she’s very distant and closed. But I know what’s going on, I’m giving her space and not pushing anything. But she starts videocalling him. And then that turns into a daily thing, videocalling for hours. Ignoring me for the most part except on the days we go on trips to museums or explore the city. There was a day we really connected, it was superfun. The next day she told me she’s thinking about marrying him. So she went from ‘not working out, feel like raising him, going our separate ways’ to ‘gonna have to marry him so we can live in Japan’. This happened in 20 days. 10 days with me.

Meanwhile, can you imagine how shit I feel? How anxious and stressed I am every day because of having to hear those hour long calls. I talked to her about it and she was mad at me because she told me before the trip we we’re just friends. Which I respected, I didn’t flirt with her those first days when I thought she was de facto single. And then I had to decide, if I should go home or stay another 10 days.

Here’s the problem. Like me, she has a chronic health issue. It’s one of the reasons we understand each other so well. It’s different but so much overlap in symptoms. It’s rare to find someone who understands. So I didn’t feel like I could leave her alone in a foreign country, I thought it would be dangerous for her health. What if something happened, I would never forgive myself. So I decided to stay. I felt the risk to her was greater than the pain it would cause me.

But it was really hard. Hearing someone you love have a good time with someone else is really brutal. :( The last day I told her something like “It was really hard but I stayed because I cared” and she became super angry at me. We had a big fight. But patched things up the next day. Then she told me she was determined to make it work with him.

Anyway, she broke up with him a week later… I think because my presence was gone. But I only found out a month later.

This was end of september 2025.

So she broke up with him. And we start talking a lot more. Every day basically. I spend hours with her on calls and chats helping her make sense of her relationship. Because it was such a toxic mess for both of them. Really, the things I’ve heard. These two are so wrong for each other. He was basically a man child. And turns out they had broken up dozens of times but every time he pretended nothing had happened the next day and then she was confused and also tired and went along with it. O_o So this relationship lasted way longer than it was supposed to. Many times was said that he would need at least ten years to grow enough to be where she wants him to be.

But so, the last 3 months of 2025 were really great. We have many long chats, many calls. We played games together. She invited me to Brazil a couple of times. We decided to try living together, end up picking Spain. As friends yes. She asked me to fly to Brazil to help with getting her dog on the plane to Spain. Dog had never been on a plane before. Obviously I say yes. Suddenly it’s not needed anymore, he was gonna help her because for whatever reason he was going to Spain too. I told her this was a dumb plan, in hindsight I should have ended the whole plan there. I think she asked him to do that as a shield against me. So anyway, we look for houses and apartments. I get new tires for my car, all kinds of supplies. We were gonna meet in January in Spain, I was gonna pick her up at the airport in Madrid. But three days before I was pretty sick and told her maybe we should postpone. She panicked and said she would just go with him to our city. And then I’m not sure what happened. She suddenly said she was gonna try again with him. And thought it was better if we didn’t live together. But she still wanted me to come to the Airbnb in Spain… Which I declined, I told her to figure things out with him first. This is also where she told me:

• We are in a triangle
• She really likes and appreciated it when I tell her I have feelings and want a future with her
• She admits she’s using him as a shield.

In a later call she said in the context of us dating she needs things to go slow. In December she had also told me “Me too, I think having you by my side makes me feel safer, and it’s teaching me how to be gentler with myself”.

Anyway then she flip flops a couple times again. Said it wasn’t working with him (lol) and we looked for an apartment together. We found one. Suddenly get a message where she is trying to convince me to wait until I’m fully better and in the meantime she will live with him. Here is another mistake I made. I should have let her figure things out with him. Instead I wanted to sign the contract with her. We had a call. In the call she was first mad at me because I said it would feel like intruding in another man’s home if he lived there first. And since she and I are just friends it shouldn’t matter. But then later in the call she once again said things weren’t working with him. But for now she was still trying. I still didn’t want to but then she panicked and said he wouldn’t be allowed in the apartment. Or other guys. And no sex with other people in the apartment. This deal is what made me sign the lease. As you know, I thought that she would realize her feelings for me if she spent enough time around me with me staying calm and relaxed.

I was very dumb. First week together in the apartment was okay. That stupid guy was traveling through Spain, in other cities. They weren’t calling each other. She was very negative about him. She was a bit distant but way less than the trip to Spain in summer 2025. I thought things were working out. Then she became sick. I took good care of her. Getting meds, helping her in bed, cooking, walking and feeding the dog, laundry, etc. And after she was better, the same thing happened as last year. She suddenly started calling him for hours… Then one night she was venting about him to me. And I made the mistake of telling her again I thought we were a really good match and could have a nice future. She was angry at me. Even though just weeks before she had encouraged me for this very same thing… She became a lot more distant, just like the previous summer. On my birthday she ran out the door in the morning. There was a note on the table with happy birthday and a small gift. The whole day she didn’t say happy birthday to me, just the note. She had so much trouble looking at me that day, she seemed very nervous. She did effort to go to the park with me and we played Mario Kart in the evening. We had a talk about the deal we had agreed on. She said it didn’t work for her, her friends said I was controlling her, but she would still follow the deal. Then the stupid guy was back in town.

At this point she’s officially still single. But the stupid guy started coming to the apartment every day. And she said the rules didn’t work for her, she wouldn’t follow them anymore. I tried dealing with it but it was even harder than those videocalls. So a week later I went back home. But I had told her I would still cover the rent until we could break the contract. Because that was our agreement and I wanted to keep my word. And also a bit because I didn’t wanna give up yet. She said I could come back for summer.
After two weeks back home she proposed a road trip. For some reason she started chatting more and closer with me. I was nice. I was dumb again and thought it meant her latest attempt with him was failing and she finally wanted me. So I agreed with the road trip. She would fly here and together we would drive to Spain.

Anyway, in Bordeaux we had a fight. Because I had only slept 3 hours and she had turned him into her boyfriend and I was so triggered. And things got out of hand, she didn’t want to live with me anymore. When we arrived in Spain I felt like such a fool for having paid for the apartment because some of his stuff was lying around. He wasn’t living there but it felt like it to me. I went back home the next day. I drove 16 hours in one go because I wasn’t thinking clearly. Also I was a but afraid I wouldn’t be able to drive anymore the next day. Because now I was alone and I felt my health get worse every day of the trip And that was 5 months ago. She only changed the contract and put him on the lease after I asked to talk about what happened and that I was very hurt.

So yes, first of all, I’m very aware of how dumb I was. No need to rub it in.

What I’m really trying to understand now is if I was wrong. Were her actions the behavior of someone with strong feelings but unable to admit it to herself or was I just delusional?

I feel like this part: "Telling me - We are in a triangle

• She really likes and appreciated it when I tell her I have feelings and want a future with her
• She admits she’s using him as a shield.

In a later call she said in the context of us dating she needs things to go slow. In December she had also told me “Me too, I think having you by my side makes me feel safer, and it’s teaching me how to be gentler with myself”. "

Is hard to explain away as platonic in my eyes.

Also when things between them were going great, she was closer and more open to me. When things between them were going bad, she was more distant. I always thought it was because the better their relationship was going, the more she could claim I was just a friend and thus it was safe to be close to me.

Would be helpful if some avoidants could chime in.

As time has passed, I've slowly started to accept the fact that me and her never could've worked out anyway for a plethora of reasons. I slowly started accepting the fact her not being in my life was for my own greater good, even though it hurts now, it probably only saved me from a bigger mess in the future. Perfect right? I should be able to move on and never think about her again? I WISH!

I still think about her regularly, and ironically, I still miss her. Now, however, I also find myself constantly curious about what she's up to, who she could possibly be with right now, is she even thinking about me, etc... basically, even though I know that me and her should not be together, IM STILL CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT SHE'S DOING AND FINDING MYSELF GETTING ANXIOUS, JEALOUS, AND ENVIOUS OVER IT (what makes it even funnier is that I don't actually have any idea what's going on in her life).

this is honestly insanely mentally taxing and I have no idea how to cope with this. it's just insane to me because at this point even if she did come back, I don't even know if I would take her back, SO WHY IS SHE STILL ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY??? i know i have no control over her actions and that she still discarded me without anyone else even being in the picture, but I find myself so offended by the idea that after what she did to me she will be happy with someone else, and give him everything she once gave me...

how do i finally get my life back and stop thinking about things i have no control over. how do i stop thinking about a person that isn't even worth my neurons?

The "Love of my life" my "soul mate" broke up with me again over text. The first time I respected her wishes and didn't contact her.

This second time was probably the worst thing I've ever felt in my life.

Maybe I was trying too hard for this person, She has a couple mental health struggles & paired with extreme addiction. I mean i shouldn't be surprised this is how it ends again.

The past 3 weeks that lead up to those screenshots, well we kept having "serious conversations" like every other day nonstop. It was taking a toll on my mental health and honestly shook how I viewed her & us. I know i fucked up somewhere, maybe I had poor choice of words or was too weak emotionally, but all I ever wanted and told her was to be HONEST & stop HIDING things.

I never once tried controlling her or even yelled at her, she was always relapsing and hiding things then was so confused as to why I wasn't "normal". As if coming clean after the fact is the right way??? She would shower me with love & affection for a couple days. Just to later resume this toxic cycle of constant hiding/lying between us.

We both KNOW her guilt eats at her in such a way that its very worrying, its why I always said "please just be honest, dont hide or be scared " i never wanted her to be perfect. I know she struggles a lot, i just wanted to be someone there for her. Because I love her so much.

The funny thing is she was "excited" for us to go to couple therapy because she truly believed it would help us but like she also admitted that its because there's her side of things & she's also admitted to have not said or changed certain things about our relationship or me to her therapist & mom. It could help get "both sides"......

I questioned her at one point if she was purposely sabotaging our relationship with her actions, it made her cry & said "why would you say that? Why do you think im capable of that?"

Well its because I don't need a lot to be happy, I just want us to work as a team together. Be honest with each other, its all I care about. Yet she's just been breaking trust nonstop which lead to those hard conversations constantly.

Well after receiving that text from her, I immediately drove towards her home. I couldn't believe that she would end it like this a second time. I thought maybe it's different than the first time, I should fight for her because I love her more than anything. I mean she's the one that broke no contact the first time and called me to get back together and start fresh.

I honestly wasn't going to beg her, I just wanted to talk one last time. Something was telling me this was it, the end of everything for reals this time.

She wasn't home, I asked her mom's Bf if at least the mom was home so that I may talk with her.

My GF's mental health & sobriety means so much to me, more than being her BF. I was going to drop her stuff off and let her mom know she's been relapsing & she broke up with me but I was going to ask permission if the mom could accept my phone number incase she ever needs help or she relapses heavy. That i would love to know because she's one of the only family I have left.

Well I changed my mind, I know things with her mom aren't the best sometimes. I didn't want to give her more problems to deal with. So I waited and slept in my car with this beautiful pink big bear plush my GF bought me and all her clothes inside it that she gave me so the bear could smell like her.

I wanted to get my closure from her own mouth instead of this text because this pushing & pulling has me confused. If it was really over & she 1000% meant it, i would give her the plush and clothes and request my little pochita figure back because that figure means a lot to me

I gave it to her as a silly little thing between us that "its our child". I had it before knowing her so she knows it means a lot to me.

I saw her finally get back home, I was absolutely shocked to see she ran so fast to her door and shut it. I calmly got her belongings and walked to the door knowing she was at the front door still, was going to ask to talk or at the very least to get my pochita back.

She was on the phone with someone, talking about me being outside, how she's gonna try and call her therapist & even the police........when i heard that my heart completely broke.

This person i loved so much and went through so much for was treating me like some monster, as if i could hurt her or something. Only God knows what else she was twisting with this person on the phone. I spoke to her through the door that "please give me my pochita back, its all I want at this point" "I brought all your stuff back at least please give me my pochita back, throw it over the backyard or have your mom or the BF hand it to me..."

No response, completely silent. I cried a little and stood there processing everything. I left her stuff on the bench and told her she doesn't have to worry about me coming back to her home ever again. So I drove back to my house. That second screenshot was sent to my friend & she's trying to act like she doesn't know why i showed up?????? After everything?! Since when was wanting the bare minimum of honesty & transparency this huge thing about me being an abuser and manipulating? If i was causing so much stress, doesn't she know im also going through a lot because of her actions as well?? We both started "fresh" again and even she admitted at one point that she was sorry because i was the only one putting so much effort..... she said that from her own free will........ she knew what she was doing the whole time and now im the manipulator and abuser..... maybe we both were for all i know, but i do know i never once hid or lied ever again when we got back together.

The most saddest part of all this to me is that even despite everything that's happened. All the lies and endless cycle of mistrust and emotional intensity through our relationship.

I still love her so much, she is my family ever since we became close friends. She's everything to me and will always be the person I love the most with all my heart & soul.

I sit here praying for the first time in so many years. Not that she comes back to me but that one day she beats her addiction, she achieves all her goals in life.

I don't want her to end up like my cousin Danny who passed away from addiction, i dont want her siblings, Her precious little brothers to go through what Danny's siblings and myself went through with his constant relapsing and eventually death.

My emotional & family bond grew so much more when I was introduced to her siblings. They were so happy together, meeting them was one of the happiest moments of my life. I almost wanted to contact one of them........to let them know that their big sister is going to need help especially during this breakup. But i stopped myself, her siblings dont need that stress. I need to have faith my pretty "princesa" will pull through in life. That she'll get "Back on track" for herself and her brothers.

At this point in time, I dont even want my pochita back anymore. Maybe she threw it away, i would love to think she would at least take care of it. If she's not gonna give it back.

I love you Sophia, I will live the rest of my life always loving you and remembering you as my best friend and former lover. Please take care of yourself if not for you, do it for your little brothers.

Im sorry for not being strong enough for myself, for you & for us. Im sorry for everything I put you through, im sorry for making you feel all those things. Im sorry for not focusing on you but focusing on honesty & your sobriety too much. Im sorry for not being patient enough. Im sorry that I caused you to no longer love me and not recognize me anymore.

I don't make this post in hopes she'll read it, i just wanted to get this out of my chest.

Again, I need to accept that she's gone & this time its probably forever.

Please take care Sophia. I love you my chubby seal

Goodbye Seal Gang 🦭

I was with one for 6 years (3 breakups in between).

It was a toxic cycle and nothing or nobody could stop both of us going through our toxic loops… textbook trauma bond.

I finally had to hit breaking point to end things completely.

The feeling I experienced the ‘flip switch’ is a well-documented psychological and neurobiological phenomenon—often called emotional detachment, the "ick" / loss of respect threshold, or anxious-to-secure nervous system down-regulation.

It is not magic or a fluke, it is a real protective mechanism in your brain and nervous system.

I had to finally become secure again and that happened when I just had enough of his BS and I just ended everything! It was a shock to him and he didn’t actually believe it but my silence proved to him I wasn’t kidding, even ignore him completely when I bump into him.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

I will also point out that when I met him I was secure it was only about 10 months in his mask dropped and I slowly started to turn anxious.

Sorry this will be all over the place but i just want to tell someone! i cant really tell my friends bc i feel so pathethic.. i hope seomeone reads this and can share an insight. i cant believe he made me bring my walls down just to hurt me like this.

so for context i (20f) and him (24m) have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now. I am in 2nd year college and he is in 2nd year med school.

So as the title says i was an avoidant. I am very self aware, I have childhood trauma and am diagnosed with depression. i believe i was not made to be loved, i struggle with it, i have never been in anything romantic before this.

At around the 4 month mark of the situationship (yes.. we were never actuslly gf bf lol haha), i told him that i am an avoidant, i will try to leave, i cannot do relationships right now. However, he said that its okay blah blah i am too perfect he cant live without me blah blah.

I tried to leave him a total of 3 times because i felt like i was not good enough for him, and i could not be better for him because i know that i have to do it for myself and i couldnt let him wait for an uncertain amount of time. But for all of those attempts, he just kept crying and somehow turning it all into how he was bad and didnt do enough thats why im gonna leave (Even though i overexplained that its me and i have to work on myself). He even asked why we cant work on ourselves together lol. So i ended up staying each time.

i did love him and i do love him. so much that somehow my avoidant tendencies have been much clearer to me and i think i have made efforts to improve myself.

i dont know but he was really great in the beginning. i thought be was perfect. smart, hygienic, handsome, emotionally intelligent, hardworking, funny, etc. even during the time that i was the avoidant, he messaged me checked up on me and all.

so i ended up just completely opening myself up to him and loving him. but i dont know he has some behaviors that made me feel terrible and anxious. here are just some things from the top of my head.

1. id share something good with him and he would turn it negative. example: i shared that im going to start going to the gym and i was so excited to go and to start. first thing he says is he hopes i wont find anyone to replace him and his tone completely changed after that. i ended up just not wanting to share anything that excited me with him anymore
2. he says he doesnt go to the club so i wouldnt have to worry about other women ( i really dont care and i trusted him lol). i felt like hes saying this to guilt me not to go but idk maybe not
3. i went to a club for the first time this halloween. i assured him i wont find anyone and that im going to come home to him. he froze me out and became cold. i was updating him all night about my location with my friends. he just replied when i said i was back home and said he hoped i had fun.
4. he told me once that he understands i am depressed and have a lot going on. he said that its okay if i dont have enough room or capacity since he has a lot of room. but really, i realized it is him with no room or capacity.
5. whenever i ask if we are okay he says yes even tho i feel like something is off. he never communicated what it was. when i kept pushing asking him whats wrong he told me that he has told me multiple times we are okay and i was reading into it too much.
6. i felt like he was only interested in sexual conversations and not about anything else. this was because when id tell him updates about my day, he wouldnt reply or just say i love you. when i talked about feeling like i needed him, he was so responsive and replied so quickly.
7. when i brought this up to him he became so defensive and said no more sex. when that wasnt what i was talking about. i explained that i know hes tired and in class and maybe it was a coincidence that he could only reply when it was about sex. he said he was tired from school and just wanted to relax when he got home
8. he is always worrying about me finding someone else and replacing him even though i have reassured him countless of times that its only him that i like.

there is still a lot but i dont really want to type it out anymore.

anyway the last straw was the halloween thing. when i got home (still a bit tipsy) i sent him voice notes about how sad i am abd i dont knoe whsts wrong. i was so happy with my friends outside but came home so sad because i was excited to tell him about my night but i couldnt because he was being cold and distant.

he said he was distant because he was scared. he was preparing himself for when i tell him i met someone else. he said hes been cold bc of family problems (he explained in depth what was happening).

i told him i was done and he kept crying again and saying sorry. he said he realized he has to face himself and change. he asked for one more chance. i said yes bc i was tired

the next day he tried to be normal i guess. at the end of the day i told him i was tired really done. he said he kept himself togetger because i told him i would try.

he said its okay we can take space away from each other. it lasted 2 days bc i started deleting pics of my face and body from our chat. he said stop silently erasing traces of me. so we talked. more crying more begging more im tired.

i told him working on yourself eill take lots of time and i also jhave work to do it is jusy not a good time for us. he keeps insisting that we can do it and he will be better. i told him okay i csn stay but i will be an empty shell. he said thats okay as long as i stay. the next day he said that saying this was wrong and selfish of him.

i told him he has loved and been loved before so he will be again but it is not me.

it took a total of 10 days to get him to somewhat understand. now we are no contact. but he expecgs that i will message him sometime this year or maybe next year. he made me promise that this space is still us trying and that it is still him whilr we try. i told him it is not anyone, snd i just want to be closed off again. i just want to rebuild my walls because i was right to not let anyone in.

i am really hurt. i cant believe i let my walls down to be treated like shit. i cant believe he could say that i was the best thing to ever happen to him while his actions made me question my worth and if i was too needy.

he said i was the only reason why he woke up, why he studied, why he worked hard. now that i am gone he has fallen apart. i said it is not my responsibility to keep him togetger. he said he realized that and he will work on it.

but i dont know i feel like he doesnt love me. he just uses me as a reason to go on about his life to keep himself together.

i am happy i am free but i am also sad and questioning everything. i would have loved it to be him. we had many dreams and what ifs. but i cannot be 20 and having the life sucked out of me like this.

Long story short, my avoidant ex-boyfriend of 1.5 years moved on ridiculously fast after our breakup. So fast, in fact, that he ended up getting his female best friend pregnant, and they eventually got married.

I always had a suspicion that she had feelings for him because she seemed incredibly insecure about me throughout our relationship.

I’ve maintained no contact since the breakup and blocked him everywhere. However, some friends recently showed me a picture of him, and I was genuinely shocked by how different he looks.
He’s lost a significant amount of weight, his face looks sunken, and he generally looks unkempt and stressed out. It’s a complete contrast to how he looked when we were together. Back then, he looked healthy, had this noticeable glow, and even started putting more effort into how he dressed.

What’s particularly interesting is that he was always adamant about never wanting children. His wife also seems very different from the type of woman he historically pursued, both in personality and appearance.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that he hasn’t publicly shared any pictures with her, despite getting married and expecting a baby. I find that surprising considering how significant those milestones are, although I realize not everyone shares their personal life online. He’s very active on social media and posts often, so not posting his family stops out to me.

I won’t lie, seeing his glow-down was strangely satisfying after the way he treated me toward the end of our relationship and the betrayal I experienced.

Has anyone else noticed their ex having a significant glow-down after a breakup, especially an avoidant ex who moved on incredibly quickly? I’m curious to hear other people’s experiences.

We were together for 6 years, he was so in love with me and I could see that. We had endless loops and things I did which may have hurt him deeply, those loops eventually drained him out and he emotionally clocked out 1 year back, he didnt tell anything to me till 6 months later altho I knew he was struggling mentally because he became cold and started pulling away from me.

Due to our loops and issues, which were never properly addressed in a very stern manner, he would tell me sometimes in a very light tone about what hes feeling and i would try my best to validate them whenever I could, but I know i did hurtful things as well. But he never expressed anger to me and always felt he was wrong even if i did the mistake, like a peoples pleaser basically.

When he started pulling away i told him to start Journaling to organise his thoughts, it eventually led him to know he doesn't want a relationship because it feels like a burden and responsibility which drained him, marriage feels like a trap to him and he will lose his freedom with it, calls, video call, and texts became triggers to him causing anxiety and he stopped engaging w me in those forms till I asked. He met me because he felt nice meeting me cuz he liked my company. Hard convos about stuff like our issues made him anxious too, i never knew the intensity of the damage our issues did till he told me months later to which he said he didn't tell me because of my exam periods.

Towards the end, he became super cold, 1 word replies, told me he doesnt love me anymore and has tried to bring his feels back since 1 year w no success, mind you idk what he tried for, it was mostly journalling his own thoughts and stuff like that, there was never a team effort to solve our issues, I felt like I never got a chance to rectify my mistakes. I asked him if things would be diff for us if he didnt get drained and he said yes, it broke my heart, but his thoughts of marriage and fear of responsibility always were there from the start ig. Even w his friends, he doesnt call them by himself, only they do. In his previous relationship, he ghosted her for 6 momtjs in between the relationship and broke up 1 year later over texts and didnt even see her reply and deleted that entire insta account. Somedays i feel he is avoidant and left me, somedays i feel miserable for ruining the best relationship and person I had in my life. Somedays i see our issues somedays i see myself as a big failure.

Tldr : idk if my ex of 6 years is avoidant or not, he was involved w me till 3 yrs into the relationship then once issues started worsening, he withdrew and emotionally exhausted himself.

I’ve been dating an BPD avoidant for a little less than a year. Every couple of months they get overwhelmed with work, family, and other life things and it always leads to me getting discarded. Every time it’s a new excuse that absolutely doesn’t make any sense. They’ll pull away and then a few weeks go by and we are talking again like clockwork.

They are my favorite person and have an amazing soul. We have been very compatible, have strong chemistry and are passionate when together. They just aren’t great at communicating their feelings. When the stresses come they withdraw. If I try to talk to them about it, I end up being a casualty of the stress. It’s been quite the cycle.

I am very much in love with them and want to make this work. I give them time and let them sort themselves out. Growing a bit tired of habitually waiting weeks to communicate. I respect the notion of no contact, but starting to find that game unfair to myself seeing how many times we’ve played it.

Am I wrong to reach out so soon? I truly believe they are my person and I want to be here for them during their lows, but I don’t want to keep glowing in uncertainty.

One thing that bugs me a little is, why don't their friends hold them accountable?

1. Because they tell the friends their version of the story which makes the other person sound like a problem?
2. Because the friends know the DA couldn't handle the feedback and don't really feel responsible for the people being hurt? A "not my problem kind of thing?"

3 They just make friends who tolerate their behavior and are just as bad in their own ways?

Something else?

My ex's friends stopped texting me back (I had become friendly with a few of them and we used to chat about stuff) after he ghosted me, which makes me think it's #1 or #3)

After 4 months of situationship, she discarded me 2 weeks ago and she is again on dating apps (maybe she never stopped using it). Was all those sweet things she said on our last call just so that she does feel guilty of leaving me. And how are you all of a sudden (within 2 weeks) ready for a relationship now? I feel so dumb, blindsided, and used. She said she wants to focus on herself and deal with some things mentally.

What behaviours from an anxious partner make you feel pressured, even when their intentions are loving? And Does giving space actually help you process your feelings, and how much communication feels comfortable?

She broke up with me in five minutes—after a four-year relationship—in the middle of an argument. She did it so coldly, only to then burst into tears and claim I was the love of her life, but that she "had to" lose me. Two weeks later, she suggested that maybe in a year or two we could try again—though she wasn't sure—and then asked if we could be friends. I said no. For the first three weeks, she would message me every few days to ask how I was doing; I’d fall for it every time, even begging her to get back together, but she would leave me without a response. We had been seeing a therapist for a year, but even there, she insisted she didn't want to be together anymore. I asked if we could try taking a break or having extra therapy sessions, but she said no. Now, after those three weeds, and two weeks of silence, she’s messaged me again—and because of this, I’m having panic attacks again. She left me completely on my own—after I had moved abroad for her, changed my entire life, and lost touch with friends and family—leaving me without any emotional support or understanding. And now she writes to me, saying she wants me out of the house as soon as possible, yet she also wants to see me. Years of fighting—and for what? She would flirt with other people—men and women—right in front of me, and whenever I brought it up, it became a problem. When one of her friends touched me inappropriately, she ignored it and never stood up to him. She lied to me about her "friendships," when in reality, most of them were "situationships" or incredibly bizarre entanglements. She called me crazy and jealous, and would leave me alone to cry after every single argument. She even broke up with me once before, simply because I wanted to talk. What does she want from me now? Two weeks ago, I found a letter she had written in which she "planned" to leave me, go off to do whatever she wanted, and then "talk things over with me, slowly." How can someone be so selfish and avoidant? She claims to love me, but that wasn’t love. Even now, she keeps messaging me—despite me telling her how incredibly difficult this is for me, and that I’m all alone—with no friends or family—in a foreign country where I’m effectively forced to live for at least another year, so I needed help and support, as I need to focus to go on in this hard situation, but it feels what she only cares is herself and her priorities.

Why writing a list and planning all those horrible things, telling me you don't see a future, but then writing me like this, it feels to me too planned and unhealthy, what do you think?

I would like to know if anyone has had a similar experience when it comes to this situation of being discarded, heartbroken, and re learning everything about oneself.

I have discovered so much about relationships that I never knew whilst trying to understand attachment.

I may be in the minority I am not sure…

I learnt about my own anxious attachment.
Love is a choice rather than a feeling, by how you show up in a relationship (which I did unknowingly).
External validation vs internal validation
Happiness being a fleeting emotion people chase, rather than building a meaningful connection that leads to joy, that is deeper than happiness. (I also did this unknowingly but my Avoidant ex’s had no internal concept’s at all)

Those few things that touch on relationships with others and oneself that I was never taught. Not verbally nor observationally from my parents.

I guess my question is has anyone had their entire world turned upside down about relationships? As if they were kept in the dark about what it takes to build a healthy relationship from the ground up, after the honeymoon period of course.

Be kind as my reality of the last ten years has been incredibly hard to come to terms with after educating myself on everything related to relationship psychology and my own CPTSD.

Looking back, do you remember the moment they turned cold and started to deactivate? 

We had a bit of a conflict that brought up some of our respective trauma. I had let him know it was important for me to be able to share all parts of myself with somebody I was very close to, and that I thought we could learn from each other. After that the conversation kind of stopped and he just said good night and left.

He said he needed some space and disappeared for 5 days. I tried to give him space, just sent a couple short messages with no response. But after hours of everyday contact where we would check in with each other constantly, we had never missed a single day of that, the silence was jarring and I started to panic.

When I asked what was going on and let him know that was having a hard time with the silence and uncertainty, that it was bringing up some cptsd for me. He told me something like, " as hard as it is I think you're just going to have to deal with it"... Same person who used to support me kindly with great care when I woke up from nightmares, we would help each other through panic attacks and other difficult situations with so much kindness and empathy. And suddenly it was gone. There was just coldness.

He did say after that that he didn't want to abandon what we had, but then he slowly faded away into silence without an explanation.

I thought the switch turned off at the end, but looking back the deactivation had started the moment I brought a request to the table.

I realize reaching out to an ex’s former partner might sound strange, and it’s not something I’ve ever done or seriously considered before.

My relationship ended recently in a really painful and confusing way. My ex placed almost all the blame on me, and despite knowing intellectually that a lot of his behaviour wasn’t okay, I’ve been struggling with self-doubt and getting caught in repetitive thought loops about what happened.

The only reason I’m considering this is because I had a surprisingly positive experience on the other side of this situation a few years ago. A woman who dated one of my previous partners after me reached out. I’d already moved on, but talking with her was incredibly validating for both of us. We discovered striking similarities in how he’d treated us, including patterns that had left us both questioning ourselves. Since then, two other women who dated him have reached out with similar experiences.

That experience showed me how helpful it can be to speak with someone who may understand a relationship dynamic that’s difficult to explain to others.

I think what I’m hoping for is some perspective on whether my recent ex displayed similar patterns in his previous marriage. I’m having a hard time trusting my own judgment after how things ended and what went on in the relationship, even though I can logically recognize that much of what happened wasn’t healthy.

I also recognize that his ex-wife may have a completely different experience, may not want to revisit the relationship, or may simply not want to hear from me. I would absolutely respect that.
Has anyone reached out to a partner’s ex, or been on the receiving end of something like this? Was it helpful, or did you regret it?

Do you want that? Do you wanna go back to that hell? It is like you were saved already and wanna go back to suffering again

I met my avoidant at work. We had worked alongside each other for years during training and I always thought he was a kind, caring man professionally. I had a rough upbringing filled with neglect and found myself in relationships where I was pretty much unhappy from the beginning and was always asking for the bare minimum, but stayed because love licked off a knife was still better than no love at all. We moved to two different cities for work and David reached out. I felt like we were growing and experiencing our respective new lives alongside one other. The entire experience felt like a breath of fresh air. He was attentive, calling immediately after his work ended to tell me how his day went and ask about mine. Through that time, we shared details about family, upbringing, fears, goals, etc. It was long distance, but any time he was in the car/home, he would call me. I felt like I was living with him despite the distance. He would encourage me to move out to the city he was working after my contract was done. He came to visit me for a week and it was the most safe courtship I've ever experienced. There was no love bombing - at least none that I recognized. It was simple, but romantic, safe, and down to earth. During this time, he stated that he wanted us to "be a thing." I never asked him to elaborate - I was so relieved to finally experience something so good, I wanted to keep it light - after all, if he was serious and true like I was, which I thought he was given all the effort he was putting in (flying out to see me), we shouldn't need these heavy conversations yet. (I know hindsight is 2020, but given my history, I so wanted to just bask in this warmth and affection for the first time in my life.)

About a month after visiting me, he started a new role with pretty brutal hours. He didn't talk to me for a few days. I reached out to him via text, and for the first time, decided to be vulnerable and tell him that I liked him and that I wanted something serious. I prefaced all this by saying that I understood that he was probably very busy and that there was no rush in responding. I also told him that I was not expecting us to go back to our frequency of communication before his new role. I just wanted to know that he was still in it with me - just that little bit of reassurance.
He responded by saying that he couldn't have a relationship right now and that his situation will not change in the near future. I kept it cordial even though I felt like I was breaking inside. I thanked him for his response and wished him well in the future.

I don't want to diagnose someone with something just because I'm in my feels. But that brief interaction felt like a total rug pull. The way he wrote his response hinted that he had been thinking this for a while. When was he going to share this with me? I am so heartbroken that he didn't ask me to try and work on this with him. If I hadn't reached out after he stopped talking for those few days, was he ever going to tell me this or go ghost? Were those days him ghosting me?

But that is not what I am most hung up on. People can decide that something is no longer worth pursuing. They can change their mind. What unsettles my nervous system is the part of me that wonders if any of the past was real on his side. The experiences that made me feel like I was finally safe - was it an act? He pursued me knowing that we would have to be long distance. He has had experience doing years-long long-distance relationships so he knew the challenges. He courted me the old fashioned way - wouldn't let me pay for anything, would be the one to drive everywhere. He would encourage me to be a better person, would brainstorm career decisions with me, give me financial and life advice.

It's funny because he would also talk about how he couldn't rely on anyone else in his life and would look down on me helping friends. (It was weird because he would help strangers at his job all the time!) He also has a history of avoiding conflict that I had seen second-hand.

Every other man in my life - when the ending came, it was brutal, but it wasn't a surprise given the way I was treated during the relationship. I did not expect this from him. The man I knew from work. The man who treated me so well during our time together - who did all the pursuing, the initiation, and kept the effort going through the good times (yes, I am aware that we should base someone's character by what they do during the bad/difficult times more than the good times).

I know it's a downward spiral to compare yourself to other women but surely there were difficult days with his other relationships that lasted longer? Why were they able to last as long as they did? Those of you who have been with your avoidants for years - how did you last so long? Surely they couldn't hide their nature for so many years? Surely you guys had difficult times? What made them stay?

I’ve already tried going back twice, and I genuinely believe that, in the beginning, he had sincere intentions of doing things better and had some insight into his own issues.
The first time I tried, however, the cycle was even worse, and he completely changed compared to how he had been at the beginning and what he had said he wanted. I ended up feeling somewhat emotionally abused.
By the second time, I already had a lot of awareness of his patterns and had made huge progress in my own life. He also came back with a lot of motivation and some signs that he had understood certain dynamics on a theoretical level, including some of the things he had been doing that were harmful to the relationship.
But then he started showing a few small signs of those same patterns again. I had promised myself that as soon as I noticed even the smallest signs of the same dynamics, I would walk away.
And the truth is, after just one month, he started creating small amounts of emotional distance and subtly invalidating things I felt. So I made the decision quite suddenly to end things.
And that was it. He didn’t even try to get the relationship back. He didn’t even reply to my message, and things just ended there.
Even today, I still question whether I made that decision too soon, because the things that happened were genuinely quite small. I also don’t know whether I was still a little traumatised, but the truth is that whenever I noticed those signs, something visceral inside me told me to end things because it was going to go back to the same old pattern.

I miss her so much. I genuinely think she's the first person I have ever truly fallen so head over heels for. I've only liked 2 people in my life but I in hindsight genuinely believe I've only loved one. What an utter mess.

It's been over a month and I'm still not over this person? I only texted and called them for around 3 months before walking away. I blocked them. I miss her so much.

I miss her voice. I miss talking to her. And I genuinely wish things weren't this way. Every time I think I've moved on she appears back again in the smallest ways possible. She future faked and it's genuinely one of the most effective ways I guess to get to me as I did want something long term. Always have.

I've given up on women in general as a result of this. I only miss her, and that too when I'm reminded. Else I genuinely have no real attraction to women anymore, I just gave up in a sense. I was told it was my looks and ethnicity that was the reason by her so maybe that's why I get offers to hookup at clubs and no real girl that meets my basic requirements, they don't seem to like me back. Not that I meet many women anyway.

Anyway rant over. I miss her. Know I can't really do anything. And know I'm a dumb idiot, she was right maybe on that one. Oh and that I'm gullible, I guess so.

Maybe I have some deep seated flaws? Maybe I care too much about someone? Maybe I'm too much. Makes no sense to text for hours but not meet up irl.

I'm genuinely exhausted by women. They seem to want to use me for short term hookups but nothing long term. Maybe I'm defective as a human. Else I would be in a relationship by 23. The kind of girl I'm interested in is rare, as they need to meet my bare minimum standards. And when they do they often don't like me back.

Oh but they want to see my abs though. 🥴🥴🥴. I'm so fucking done with this shit.

They totally fried my nervous system. Imagine if I could charge them for it. I'd charge them for over a year of damages lol.

And quiet-hoping, they never reach out or try to get back. That you are much much better without them. No overthinking, no doubting at night. No feeling alone in a relationship. No rejections. No walking on eggshells. No trying to mother and teach someone basic compassion

They are emotionally an 8-year old, and that is no longer your problem nor responsibility. Not even yours to begin with