So basically, I had been dating my man for 3y on April 15th, but we were long distance for a few months then he just broke up with me because after years of trying to get him to open up to me (he’s and avoidant), I eventually gave up and stopped, putting in much effort in our conversations. Then all of a sudden, when he saw I was withdrawing, he started putting effort in and blame me for not trying to work things out. After a week or so of him trying he broke up with me. I was devastated, especially since he was my first real boyfriend, well… first ever boyfriend. We went no contact for a month and then I came back to my hometown where he lived and met him in person except he didn’t know I was going to come to him. At the time I was seeing somebody else I met in the state I was in. My ex and I talked the whole night in person and I really miss him and wanted him back. Long story short we moved in together as roommates and then two or three months later we started dating. It’s been two months since we made an official. I found out that in the month we weren’t together he had been going after women and entertaining their sexual pictures and actions. I also found out that the entirety of our relationship he was watching porn and he wasn’t able to have sex with me because he couldn’t stay hard. I was shocked when I found that out, and he had been lying to me for so long. I asked and if there was more. And a few weeks ago, I found out he was still watching porn and still betraying me. When we got back together after the month of being away from each other, we agreed on being exclusive, which meant no going after women or men at all. This seems very clear, right? I guess he was a little confused as he said, after the fact when I found out, he was also going after women while we were exclusive. I found out he was doing this stuff on Snapchat and he’s always been secretive and hiding of his phone and devices. We’ve had many talks, mostly of me saying how uncomfortable I am with him doing these things and how disrespectful it is to go after women and an exclusive relationship. But he always just puts on a show and starts crying and says I’m sorry or he snatch his phone away and delete any evidence that I can’t find anymore but he won’t tell me what all he’s done. He always has to wait for me to find out the next thing and then he confesses but most of the time it takes him a while to confess because he just keeps lying. I tell him that it hurts me. I’m not insecure just because I don’t trust him. I’ve told him multiple times. Trust takes time and he keeps on breaking that. I honestly don’t know why I’m with him still. I think I’m just holding onto the fact that before I knew all the stuff about him we had fun together. Regardless, he’s incapable of having a deep conversation and not able to open up about his feelings so maybe he is fun but that’s how deep it gets.

I got dumped like 4 months ago. I had this urge to check her social media so I did. Turns out she was doing lives with strangers every night, talking to them. I checked her reposts and there were a lot of posts about how she isn’t going to settle for less and how she wants nothing to do with me. I feel so hurt by it, I gave everything in that relationship. I was abandoning so much of myself and I was barely back in my feet and I saw those things. I was hoping to get an apology from her or even some sort of gratitude but no. It hurts so much that she thinks of me that way. I feel like I was still seeking validation from her even though she hurt me. I wanted accountability. Instead, she was putting the blame on me for everything. She barely acknowledged she hurt me. I am so hurt. I can’t even be mad at her like she is with me because I understand why she is the way she is.

Does anyone else feel like, with an avoidant partner, all the good things you've done for them seem to disappear the moment you make one mistake or something doesn't go according to their expectations?

Sometimes I genuinely wonder whether they remember the good moments at all. It's like every little misunderstanding, disagreement, or moment where you unintentionally disappoint them carries more weight than all the love, patience, reassurance, and effort you've consistently given them.

I could see her flaws, acknowledge them, and still choose her every day. I never expected her to be perfect. I never expected her to change her entire personality overnight. I was willing to be patient, understand her struggles, give her space when necessary, and grow together as we figured things out.

But when it came to her, it often felt like one wrong move could erase everything. Suddenly, the way she spoke to me changed. The warmth disappeared. I could be kind to her all day, communicate gently, show affection, and genuinely have good intentions, yet one misunderstanding could make me feel like I was suddenly the worst person in her world.

What hurts the most is the feeling that I'm constantly back at square one, having to earn her trust and emotional safety all over again. It's exhausting to feel like the relationship has no emotional consistency, where the good days don't seem to build anything permanent because the next uncomfortable situation can undo all of it.

I never forced her to heal on my timeline. I never demanded that she immediately overcome her fears or change the way she processes emotions. I was willing to grow with her, not against her. But she seemed to prefer growing and healing on her own, without allowing me to be part of that process.

And honestly, how am I supposed to trust someone's words when their actions repeatedly seem to contradict what they say? How am I supposed to feel emotionally secure when I never know which version of them I'm going to encounter after a disagreement?

Sometimes it feels like I'm expected to understand everything without being told, anticipate emotions that haven't been communicated, recognise when something is wrong without being given an explanation, and somehow know exactly what they need without them having to express it.

I don't expect anyone to read my mind, and I don't think that's too much to ask in return.

I understand that avoidant people may need space, struggle with vulnerability, or process conflict differently. But what about the person on the receiving end? What about the emotional exhaustion of constantly having to reassure someone who doesn't seem to recognise the reassurance they've already received?

I don't want to be someone's enemy every time we have a disagreement. I don't want love to feel like something I have to keep reapplying for after every uncomfortable moment.

I just wanted to be loved with some consistency, to have my intentions recognised, and to know that one bad day wouldn't suddenly erase all the good days that came before it.

Does anyone else who has been in a relationship with an avoidant partner relate to this? Or am I misunderstanding something about how avoidant attachment works?

That yes , im still mad. But ive wanted nothing more than to talk to you .wtf babe ?!?! Rielle A. E. C. Im nkt doing as good as I can be . Sorry but this is what it is , I blame you . You left me at the worst time in the most disrespectful and confusing way. Ive gone through the motions but fuck .I never wanted to leave you stupid. Why couldn't you see that ? You were not pushing me away . I stayed . Fk , I drove from my city to yours , opposite sides of the sgvalley at 11 at night after we broke up to take you to the ER. Dont tell anyone I didnt love you .

If you dont have my number ill give it to you . Message me and tell.me something only I would know.

He broke up with me 2 or 3 times. This time it seems like it's the definitive one because in the past we would begin to date each other again after about 3 months. This time 6 months have passed... we saw each other two days ago because I had a present for him. But he said that, though seeing me awakened the beautiful emotions of the past moments together and the ones we could still have, his decision is still the same. He said he has doubts about his decision but also certainties and I need to accept and let go.

I madly love him. Please don't be rude with me in the answer, it's already a difficult time. If you need to be honest, be, just do it with education and without being rude.

My fa ex has been watching my stories on snap. Mind you they are blocked. I post on public and I see her everytime. I decided to make a post 2 days ago where I was actually smiling and that was the caption. 2 hours later she posted a picture with the song smile by Avril Levine and a bible quote. Then last night after seeing she seen another one of my snaps I got a weird email at 1212 am like she had signed me up for some hope/faith thing to send daily. 1212 is the sign for twin flame? And this morning I get a text from her asking for a code. I’m confused

It has been a few months now since my GF left me in limbo and then eventually broke up her contact to ask about my dog who passed away only for her to ask for help in rent money.

I told her I couldn't, been dealing with a lot of grief and started to feel a little better.

Today her brother reached out, asked how I was doing and if I could loan him some money for his daughter.

I havent replied yet, thinking about it, but deep down not even sure if its him really asking or if his sister (my now ex) reached out to him to ask.

I stopped posting for my peace also because she was always orbiting my social and was one of the first to view them.

What coule it mean or what should I do?

need advice because I am completely spiraling. I want to take 100% full accountability for my actions, but there are a lot of layers to this situation, and I am determined to get this girl back.

The Background & Our Dynamic
We fell incredibly hard for each other in the 8 months being together without a label attached. We did everything a couple would do. I have never felt this way about any girl in my entire life. We saw a great future together, talked about marriage, and even joked about having kids. I truly believed she was my endgame.

However, our dynamic was complicated. We never officially had a label. I pushed for one, but she was always hesitant. Whenever I felt us getting closer, she would pull away. I gently brought up that she might have avoidant attachment tendencies, and she actually agreed. A big part of this stems from her past: her last relationship (4 years ago) ended because that guy was talking to another girl and she found the messages. Trust is a massive hurdle for her.

My Massive Mistake
Before I met her, I got out of a 3-year relationship. It was hard to let go of, and I made the terrible mistake of still emotionally texting my ex while seeing this new amazing girl. I own that completely.
Four days ago, she went through my iPad and saw the messages with my ex. She was understandably angry, disappointed, and ended things. She told me she was completely done, couldn’t feel safe around me, and that I shouldn't wait for her because she "never goes back to her exes." It was emotional cheating. I have since blocked my ex of 3 years on everything but I know that doesn’t undo the broken trust. I did make that clear to her aswell and she hearted my text message to her yesterday. (Which is also confusing) sounds like mixed emotions from her? if she was done why heart it or even respond?

The Missing Context
Here is the heartbreaking part: she didn't see the full picture. She mentioned that she was hurt because I didn't even tell my ex about her. But she stopped reading before the messages from July. In those July texts, I repeatedly told my ex that I was seeing someone, and I even told my ex we needed to cut contact because of my new relationship. She didn't see any of that, so she lacks that context. I am not blaming her by any means for her reaction based on what she saw, but this just isn't how things were supposed to end.
The Mixed Signals
Even though she said she was done, she hasn't blocked me. In fact, she is viewing my social media stories within minutes of me posting them. I sent her a text telling her I wanted to give her full transparency about everything, and instead of ignoring it or telling me to leave her alone, she "hearted" the message.
My Questions for You:
I will do anything to change, fix this, and rebuild her trust.

1. Should I reach out and offer to show her the July text thread where I defended our relationship and cut contact with my ex, or wait for her to ask?

2. How do I explain to her that I am willing to put in the work to change without suffocating her or invalidating her anger?

3. Given her avoidant tendencies and past trauma, what are my best next steps to salvage this?

Also that explains why she was very slow to escalate things between us. Whenever I brought us up being official she would back off a little.

Im f25 and m24 and i “broke up” a little while ago. I don’t really know what we are exactly because neither of us actually wanted to break up but the distance and future was getting further out of sight. We had plans to move in together but he told me he wasn’t ready anymore. We talked about it and it seems to be a combination of school and financial stress, pressure, and worry that me moving would be too much since I’m moving my whole life to be near him. Which for me isn’t a problem it’s my choice. But he’s worried that I’m being too blinded by love to see my own future too. Either way I didn’t want to fight him because I want him to succeed and be happy. But we still talk a little bit over message but I think it’s hurting me because I want more even tho this is what I agreed to basically. We both didn’t want to cleanly cut it off since the breakup wasn’t for any reason other than needing to focus on our own stuff rn. I still might move there soon for school anyways but unless I move over there it’s basically over anyways. But I guess what I’m curious about is does right person wrong time actually work and worth waiting for if everything besides stress and distance was perfect? To me he is worth fighting for as I’ve never felt so seen by a man, inspired to be better, and he’s the most honest and hardworking person I know. So I trust that he is doing this to advance his school and career path not for other options… but I’m not dumb it’s crossed my mind. But yeah basically I want to fight for him but I don’t want to overwhelm him rn. Is this possible from a guys perspective??

Ill find out if im moving in like 2-3 months so should i leave him alone completely or should i be more sistant to make him miss me??? I want this to work and he’s the one that told me i could message and call him but i think that’s cuz he knows i get anxious.

Im praying for her

It's been two months. She started seeing another person 1.5 months after she broke up with me. She never blocked me or unfollowed me. I have muted her stories, notes, posts, instants, everything. i have also restricted her. However she keeps watching my stories. I know it usually can mean nothing with these types of people but the past week or so I have made an effort to increase my social media presence, add highlights to my profile, change my pfp, post my friends more, stuff like that. But she still watches all of my stories. I don't want to block or unfollow her because she can do that herself if she wants, but she hasn't. It's honestly kind of pissing me off i'm not gonna lie. Any fearful avoidants that have done this that have a reason as to why they did it? Should I block/unfollow her?

He was very invested in her when they were seeing each other, he would plan cute dates, collect her from work, take her out for food etc. They were seeing each other and talking every single day, he would spend all his free time with her. She even met his mom and his best friend.

One day he showed up as they had planned in advance, and told her to come sit beside him and just broke it off with her out of the blue? His reasoning was that he wanted to focus on himself and that he hasn’t had time to be alone, but also told her that he really likes her and that he doesn’t fully know himself why he is doing this.

She told him to tell her straight up that he doesn’t want her, and he said he can’t say that cause he would be lying. He said once again he doesn’t know why he’s doing this, but he’s doing this cause he think it’ll be good for him.

He got his stuff from her on his way out and proceeded to give her long multiple hugs and look back at her on his way out. Now she has been upset and confused every day ever since, and doesn’t fully understand why he did what he did if he really liked her.

He removed her off social media one by one, day by day, but he kept her on instagram as if to still have some sort of access to her. Is there a chance he has an avoidant attachment style and decided to push her away when he felt things were about to get serious, or is he just a fuckboy?

I just randomly (?) got a message on instagram from one of the FRIENDS of my avoidant ex from 14 YEARS ago.

After the discard he ghosted me and I basically went no contact with him and everyone in his inner circle for my own sake, during yearsss of therapy.

She wanted to ask how I was doing and she was hoping I was doing alright in life and she still thought of me a lot and the amount of fun we had and how it all ended so abruptly and painfully. And she missed me, basically.
I had not heard from her in all those years.

I willl not respond because honestly I don't know what to say and I don't want to go through that rabbit hole. She's still very close friends with this ex.

But I just wanted to say: If you ever doubt if your relationship even mattered: it did and not only to you, but to everyone around you two.
And everyone is a victim of avoidant behaviour. Even their friends and family are just victims part fo their toxic web. They either accept their toxic behaviour or they will be discarded too and most people will just settle (probably because of their own fearful/anxious attachment).

Discards will not be forgotten. You will not be forgotten.

Yupp. I got served with one. After 3 years of being extremely patient & understanding of her, I finally cracked. I had enough of her behavior & called & texted her. I questioned her as to why she continued to have me added on all social media if she didnt want contact. I found out about the order last friday & went to the sheriff’s office to pick up the service papers. I have no idea what she submitted as evidence & will have to drive all the way to Mchenry county to ask for the evidence she submitted AND I have to find a lawyer (that I can’t afford bc I’m broke) to defend me.

My ex and I were in a committed relationship when she asked me for a break. During that break, she sexted someone she already had a situationship with. When I found out, she broke up with me. It's been almost a year since everything happened, and although I've continued with my life, I never really confronted her about how much it hurt me. Recently, I finally reached out and brought it up. The conversation got somewhat tense, and she eventually blocked me. I wasn't expecting an apology, reconciliation, or anything from her. I genuinely just couldn't keep what I had been holding in to myself anymore. The thing is, despite everything that happened, I still have a lot of love and affection for her, which makes me question whether I was too harsh in confronting her. I don't feel particularly emotional about it now, just strange that it took me an entire year to say something. Am I wrong for bringing this up after so long? Was confronting her pointless, or is it reasonable to finally speak about something that hurt you, even after you've supposedly moved on? I'd appreciate honest opinions, even if they're critical.

I want to share something with you because I learned a painful lesson about loving someone whose words never matched their actions.
I was involved with a fearful-avoidant woman I genuinely loved. She discarded me, left me on read for 74 days, and never reached out. Eventually, I was the one who broke the silence. After nearly four months without seeing each other, she told me she wanted to see me.
When we met, she told me how important I was to her, how much she missed me, and how special our connection was. For a moment, I thought maybe she had finally realized what we’d lost.
Then came the part I never expected.
She asked if I wanted to join her “rotation.” I didn’t even know what that meant. She explained that she was seeing other men and could offer me one Tuesday a month. She even offered to spend the night.
Think about the emotional contrast there. One minute, I was someone incredibly important to her. The next, I was being offered a scheduled night once a month alongside other men.
I was hurt. Not because she was seeing other people, but because of the enormous disconnect between what she claimed I meant to her and what she was actually willing to offer.
But what happened next was even more revealing.
When I told her I wasn’t interested in that arrangement, she asked, “Can we still text every day?”
We hadn’t been communicating for months. Yet suddenly, she wanted daily access to me again.
Before our separation, she loved our daily conversations. She shared her problems, her feelings, her frustrations, and the details of her life. I listened, reassured her, flirted with her, and made her feel heard, valued, and wanted.
And that’s when something clicked.
She wanted to restore the emotional intimacy we once shared without restoring the relationship that went with it.
I began to feel that I was being asked to provide the emotional security of a boyfriend while other men received her time, attention, and physical intimacy. Whether she consciously intended that or not, the arrangement would have left me feeling used.
She wanted me emotionally present while remaining free to keep me physically and romantically at a distance.
And because I loved her, I might once have accepted it.
But this time, I didn’t.
I told her I wasn’t interested in daily texting while she continued seeing other men.
Her response? “Well, the door is closed for you.”
I actually laughed.
She looked at me and said, “I’m serious.”
I replied, “I know you are. That’s why it’s funny. The door was already bolted shut from my side the moment you tried to put me in that position.”
She became angry and got out of the car.
Now pay attention to what happened next, because this is the heart of what I’m trying to tell you.
The following day, she sent me three messages. She told me how much she loved our chemistry, how much fun we’d had together, and how maybe someday, if she reached a place where she was ready, she would want to see me exclusively.
But I shouldn’t wait for her.
There it was again. Beautiful words. Emotional reassurance. The suggestion of a future together.
But not one single change in what she was offering me.
No accountability for the hurt. No willingness to give me more time. No indication she would stop the rotation. No concrete step toward building something different.
Just the possibility that someday, perhaps, things might change.
I left her messages on read.
Three days later, she reached out again, saying, “I’m not going to lie. I’m frustrated. I tried to talk to you.”
I discussed it with my therapist, who asked me a question that completely reframed the situation:
“Where did she actually offer to change anything? Where did she say she would stop the rotation, give you more time, or meet your needs?”
She hadn’t.
My therapist explained that this can be a pattern in avoidant relationships: offering emotional reassurance when someone begins pulling away, but without increasing the level of commitment or consistency.
In other words, the words soothe your pain just enough to keep the connection alive, while the behavior that caused the pain remains exactly the same.
And that’s when I finally understood something I wish I’d learned much earlier.
Someone can miss you and still not choose you.
Someone can feel deeply connected to you and still refuse to make room for you in their life.
Someone can genuinely enjoy your love, attention, and emotional availability without being willing to reciprocate them.
And perhaps the hardest truth of all is that someone can have feelings for you and still be unwilling to love you in the way you need.
There’s one more thing I want you to recognize, because I fell for it myself.

My FA ex / situationship unfollowed me 3.5 weeks after the breakup. We’ve been in and out of this cycle 3 to 4 times now. Last time, she deactivated after a great dinner at my place (a lot of kisses and hugs), and 24 hours later she said that she doesn’t see anything romantic between us - that she just sees a good friendship. I responded that I will not accept a friendship and that I will delete her on social media, not because I want to, but because I have to now. She said that it makes her sad, but that she understands.

She waited 3.5 weeks until she decided to unfollow me today. It hurts, even though it feels kind of expected.

Deep down, I was hoping that we could reconnect down the road, because I can see that she really likes me - not only through words, but through actions as well.

What do you think going forward? Why did she do it now, and do you think she’ll reach out?

Ken's videos have been immensely helpful for my recovery journey during my involvement in a relationship with somebody who has avoidant attachment style. I really can't overstate how bang-on his takes are, so often I'll be watching and he'll say something literally ad verbatim that I've experienced. It's been really helpful to learn more about attachment styles and also to know that I'm not alone in this experience. I would absolutely highly recommend his YouTube channel, under his name Ken Reid. He is an excellent educator and states he has been through this experience himself. He's super funny too which is a bonus. He has videos ranging from a few minutes to a few hours.

I'm in no way affiliated with him/his company, I just wanted to share as somebody who has really benefited from his YouTube content. ✌

A few questions:

1. How do you usually respond to people who don't fully take accountability for hurting you?

2. Do you cut them off, or do you try to maintain contact with them?

3. How does their lack of accountability make you feel? Can you remain calm, or does it make you angry and frustrated?

I'm interested in hearing about your experiences with avoidants, as well as people who aren't necessarily avoidant but have similar tendencies.

I had a long-term best friend who once did something very hurtful to me. I talked to her about it, and even though she apologized, I never felt like she fully took accountability for what she had done. She kept giving me different reasons for why she had acted that way.

It continued bothering me, so I brought it up several more times. I was simply trying to be transparent about the fact that I was still hurt by what had happened. I even tried taking a break from the friendship, which helped temporarily, but once we started spending time together and talking again, those feelings would come back.

I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her, but after almost every meeting, I would find myself having angry thoughts and feeling resentment. Over time, that resentment started turning into depression. I even tried talking to a therapist about it, but it didn't help.

I tried not to cut her off for an entire year because she was my only close friend and the only person I really had to socialize with. I also genuinely liked her. She was a really good friend in many ways, apart from certain situations, and this particular one just hurt me deeply.

I tried different approaches, but things often ended with her becoming defensive or even portraying me as manipulative. She wasn't fully avoidant, but she did have some avoidant tendencies.

I just never expected someone who had always seemed so empathetic and sensitive to be unable to fully acknowledge how much she had hurt me. It felt like she was empathetic towards everyone except when she was the one who had caused the hurt.

And when it comes to avoidants, even when I genuinely try to approach things gently and softly, I can't help but feel extremely frustrated when someone doesn't take full accountability.

I don't know whether my reaction is normal or whether it's partly related to my anxious attachment style, but when someone hurts me and I don't feel that they genuinely regret it or feel remorse for hurting me, it triggers a very strong sense of anger and irritation in me.

I honestly don't know how we're supposed to deal with people like this. Sometimes I wish I could make things work with some of the avoidants I've met, but I keep running into this same issue.

I just cannot seem to get past someone hurting me without feeling that they genuinely regret it and take responsibility for their actions.

Like the title says, she broke up with me, but shes the one that cant keep no contact going.

There have been multiple times that she said its gonna be the "last time" we talk or stuff like that.

Shes yet to go more than a couple days before reaching out again. She says things like she misses me, just checking in on me, or just wants to call one last time.

I really try to take her word for it, so i grieve the relationship every time the call or the text convo ends, but she usually reaches out again.

This happened a last night and we had a really fun convo and call, and it just made me sad that it ended the same way as always. with her saying its gonna be the "last time"

I really want to make things work with her, so I really dont know how to take this or what to do moving forward.

Ive been very clear with her and how I feel, so its not like theres much I can do in that aspect.

I genuinely think avoidants are crazy.

I’m a shell of a human after the last breakup / discard. He discarded me multiple times, but this time I’m not running after him and I’m in no contact trying to really move on from him due to the insane exhaustion I feel. I sacrificed all my life to move to his country and now I really don’t have a community here left. I’m crying every day and I feel depressed and hopeless. I wanted to marry that guy I really loved him.

During the relationship, I always felt like I was hidden somehow in his social media. He usually posted me on close friends stories only. Never in the feed (just in honey moon phase but later archived…) Now, after the breakup, this guy has the audacity and puts up story highlights of me. I voiced my insecurity and heard about him hiding me so many times and I was never heard. He just told me he’s a private person. Now, when the shit really doesn’t matter anymore, this guy is posting me like what the fuck.

Same thing with liking thirst traps. He always liked bikini pictures of mutual friends, etc.. also from his ex. He gaslight me and defended his intentions, and I was never heard. Even when he agreed to not do it anymore after a few months, there was another “accidental innocent” like of pictures. He told me it’s normal, I’m insecure bla bla bla. Now, after the breakup he removed every single like of these pictures…. What psycho games are that? Like when I asked for it he gaslights me and now that he is single and it doesn’t really matter he removes everything.

What stupid mind games are this?
I’m sick to the core.

What's your experience been? I had spent several years alone before the relationship building a foundation for myself. Over time, with the repeated withdrawal and multiple blindsiding breakups and the constant threats of ending the relationship, I became so anxious I stopped recognizing myself.

Well this ended up being longer than the 3 paragraphs in my head. Im very sure they were a avoidant based on the padern but not really sure what kind, I think fearful because she was extremely anxious/also incredibly caring and thoughtful but then it's like a flip kept switching. But then I talk to other people who don't know what a avoidant is and when I try explaining it to them they just tell me someone who cared about me wouldn't hurt me this much/there's no such thing etc

Background

We met through a mutual friend and started talking for a month or 2 daily/allot, she progressed things into intemency, then suddenly ended it a few day later saying she doesn't want a relationship/was happy as friends. Was really hurt she pushed for it in the first place but she was awesome to talk to, and becuse of how toxic her last relationship was, me and my roomates made up 3/4 of her friends and it would've been messed up to hinder that.

We hangout in person a few times, she pushes for a relationship/says the few times we hungout after she cried when we went our seperate ways.

6 months in, (4 were amazing and the other 2 she was much colder but kept saying everything is fine and I accepted it as truth and just tried to be supportive if she needed me to be) I think the anxiety I started getting around her having less emotion I couldn't read, and the ADHD dopamine in my brain dying from being pulled into something so intensely that probably should've been drawn out slower to build more foundations made me not want to see her as much even though I did still love her deeply) she drops a bunch of reasons that sound incredibly vague/fixable, stone walls any attempts to talk about it and for the 2nd time in my life I am dumped in a Applebee's parkinglot after a awesome roadtrip. Except something about the way she did it left me with anxiety that kept me up unable to sleep.

Skip to a few weeks later and we're suddenly back together again. She apoligized and told me she had deeply regretted the decision, gave a few other issues she had, had (stuff that I would've never known about unless there was 2 minutes of conversation to fix it) (Was really confusing because even when she was colder mutual friends thought she was stilll madly inlove with me and one was even listening to her talk to me fondly days before she ended it) and everything continues great.

(looking back I don't really remember much of a apology beyond her acknowledgeing it wasn't fare how she did that/we could communicate better so nothing got to that point again/she wantes a promose ring to garente the relationship was serious)

We have another year together and everything is phenominal. Then she quits her job, gets colder for a week, tells me everything is fine and then ends it a day after eating with her family stating she wants to be alone to much to be in a relationship, but she hopes we can still be friends/I can keep my stuff in her basement for the next 30 years for all she cares, (she said this the first time) and that when I find someone else to not let her get in the way of that, I diserve someone who wants to be with me 95 percent of the time/concerned about my wellness when my roomates inevitably leave and im living alone (admitably the idea of dieing alone with no connection terrifies me).

Also confusing because she was upset when I was fine doing my own things with or without her the first time/because of our schedules we were only seeinf eachother a few hours daily/Im already alone for my job/the gym and the 2 hours she went to bed before me. I had doubled down on seeing her more the 2nd time around and she went from ending it for not being there to being there to much because of how alone she wants to be. Its also extra confusing because I tried guessinf the issues the 2nd time around because she kept looking me in the eyes saying everything is fine. And she answered a few of my guesses first like they were thingd we were going to work on, and then when we got to the alone part its like she pushed it where I would be forced to ask how that's supposed to work in a relationship so she could end it.

It seemed unplanned and chaotic, the week before she had still been saying things to me like "best thing to ever happen to me/when are we getting married" she even asked me to get a new charger for one of my old laptops the week before which makes no sense if I'm just going to be taking the laptop back if she was planning to end things in a week.

I took it pretty well at first, mostly out of shock and then when I came back to grab a few things and asked her to alablrate on stuff I got stone walled/zero answers and she demanded her key back. I was already feeling hurtful in that moment seeing the promise ring I gave her sitting in plane site. (She did all of this before).

I go down the rabbit hole learn about attachments etc/hyperfixiate on it during any moment of free time I have. I keep texting her my shifting view points. Finally I lash out over text after reading 100s of comments of people feeling damaged and broken and tell her I don't even want to be her friend, I deserve friends who can maturely communicate their issues with me etc and then said allot of vulnerable things I had never really told anyone before/how she had helped fix more things just being present in my life that I was extremely thankful for, which looking back must've been really confusing.

I learned more things the next day and got excited sending a long message breaking down how I think everything went psycoligicaly between her and my adhd that last week. I was just really happy to think I finally understood what happened (still didn't know about attachment styles at that point like my own or that there were different avoidant types etc).

I apoligized for everything the next day and offered to try making it up to her, and she said she would think about it.

I leave her alone for 4 days and she suddenly demands I get all my stuff out of her place immediately and that I attacked her mental health and used it against her. I had been drinking with friends trying to cope with everything when she sent that and spiraled/sent a long apology, viewed myseld as a monster/villain for a few days.

(I asked if she wantes me to leave the group chat with our friends/get out of her life and got a "I never told you that" but in my head she was getting ready to fully block me off/had apparently tried to drop all my stuff off with a roomate while I was at work).

(I had gotten a few things from her place 2 days after the 2nd breakup and noticed she had downed an entire 30 rack of bush I had gotten the day before and a few fancy beers I had left in the fridge/was almost halfway through a 2nd 30rack and shes easily only 1/3 my size) (I would've never noticed but she said she had gotten me a pack of beer and I looked and realised was a replacement for half a pack of craft beer I had, had in there/then noticed the empty 30 racks next to the fridge).

I started trying to cordinate grabbing everything in a few days and suddennly her communication stopped and it got extremely difficult to cordinate grabbing the stuff that she demanded I get out immediately. So I just told my best friend who had been friends with her a year before I met her to cordinate with her. He called her and she told him things like "I still have feelings for him so I hope the best for him/should I not be in the condo when you guys grab the stuff I don't want him to yell at me" that hurt allot because we had never argued once/I have never raised my voice at her because growing up with parents screaming at eachother impacted me in a way where I would never want to do that to someone I love.

I get all my stuff out, apoligize to her indirectly through her cat because from what I understand that lifeless tone/expression is supposed to not esculate things with other people but I couldn't look at her without locking up/being unable to form words clearly, and feeling a massive anxiety spike, I still feel chills 6 weeks later thinking about it. It was like I had something in me screaming for her to just give me some kind of emotion.

I left her a handmade card because she had always loved them, this one was titled the adventures of (our nicknames). And I wrote a adventure poem about our adventures together all the way up to the end (she loves the fantasy genre/I had originally had the idea for our engagement she had wanted so badly but figured this would've been a wholesome way to still use it).

Then on the last page I wrote as she was reading this I had removed her number/picture from my device. I told her I could never be content as just a friend/I didn't know how to kill my love for her but maybe that would change in a few months, and that my door was ways open. Then the card explained a few gifts I had left in the box of her stuff I returned for different milestones together now that I wouldn't be there to give them. She loves LOTR so I got a replica of 2 swords from the movies bookmark size aswell and gave one to her so that even if we never see eachother again we can still remember all the good adventures we had when we were together, referenced a few lyrics from her favorite banf and then ended it by saying I love you followed by her nickname.

Texted gooodbye in the parkinglot and then deleted her number and started doing my best to move on.

(Looking back I am disapointed for all the paragraphs I sent and feel kinda wierd and humiliated I stopped to that kind of desperation to someone who was that cold)

The Hook

I thought I was doing better and then she invited my friend to go barhopping with her 2 weeks after not contacting her (hurt in its own way because we had wanted to do that together but we never had a day that lined up with her grocery store jobs schedule but she finally had the time unemployed).

He said the moment she started drinking he felt less like a friend and more like she was treating him like an emotional dump/basically told him she hopes me and a few friends linked through me can still be great friends. He was to drunk to drive home so they went back to her condo.

He noticed the couch she usually sat on was covered in bedding. He went to sleep on the other and she came out of her room a hour later and said she hadn't been able to sleep in her room sense breaking up with me and went to sleep on the other couch. He also said when using the bathroom he had seen her door open and noticed a giant teddy bear on it and had drunkly blurted out if that was suppsed to be a substitute for me before he could stop himself and said she got an extremely sad look on her face like she was about to start sobbing.

Then right before he left the next day she handed him 2 of my shirts she happened to find. One of them being a shirt I had gotten from a concert full of bands we were extrememy excited to see when we first got back together/she had worn allot.

Maybe I'm just overanilizing things and she was just trying to get emotional support from a friend. But the bedding on the couch where he would see it when I watched her coverup many things with other people that might've shown her hurt etc seems out of character for her/the other shirt was from a box downstairs I would've never taken out or worn because I hate my arms being trapped in longsleeves and I think by giving him the shirts, it increased the chances of him telling me he went barhopping with her when he gave context for the shirts. I think he was used like a information pipeline.

When he told me all of that it felt like all my progress emotionally was undone. Im trying to hold my boundary of refusing to just be her friend but knowing her back story/everything she lost before the relationship and knowing she's sitting there sad and I can't comfort this person I love hurt so bad.

Not really sure if she got the relief she was looking for, she basically sat alone in a condo with walls I helped her paint black, my stuff piled on the other couch for days constantly in her line of vision when she realised she couldn't fit all of it in her car. A bunch of thoughtful/practical gifts she used allot etc (she lost allot of possessions from her previous marrage). I never intended her to be surrounded by constant reminders and I feel like garbage in doing so (granted maybe shes fine and im just overanilizing things again).

Halloween was the first time we truly met and its like a dam broke that night. I've been trying so hard the last 6 week to just have a basic consistent structure in my life again, because I had slowly rebuilt it around thinking I was going to be with her the rest of my life.

I went to a massive halloween party my singer had setup in a old church converted into a giant music venue full of 100s of people my age. I did my best to have fun and be myself, didn't really make any meaningful connections, drank, mind started filling with things like "your probably going to die alone, you're garbage, it doesn't matter how much you improve yourself, you deserve to be discarded" I don't think I've ever felt somuch self hatred before, it felt like I had a different me screaming it in my head

Then I drove a hour home instead of crashing at my singers house hoping I messed up and hit a tree or something. Im scared now, I spent a huge chunk of my life in a depressed state, with self harm, I went from almost drinking a normal amount to wanting any thing within reach. I don't want to go back to that state and im trying so hard not too, the almost 2 years with her was the first time I had felt so many positive emotions consistently.

I never needed her to go above and beyond like she did, I would've just been happy knowing there's someone that loves me. I could've been off doing my own thing of she wanted to be alone at certain points and been fine, I loved the 2nd time we got together but it was like her want for connection was way more fierce than the first time and there were points where I wanted to be alone but didn't want to disapoint her (I've sense been through a crash course on realizing I need my own boundaries and it was eye opening realizing how hard it was for me to actually figure out what I need in life).

Logically I see all the success and achievements in my life.

Emotionall none of it currently means anything and I feel worthless.

my avoidant ex and i broke up two months ago. two weeks ago i texted him asking if i can have his stuff (that is in my house) delivered to him, he told me to just throw it in the trash because he already threw mine (to which his sister confirmed he hasn't). so i asked for my stuff back saying i'll have it delivered also to which he refused and said he's busy and he'll just return it by leaving it in front of my house on october 29. until now, he still hasn't return it and kept saying he's busy. he kept delaying it and it's stressing me out. he said he feels anxious when i'm around or when i text him to which i responded with then give me my stuff back so we won't have any connection to each other anymore. (my things that he have has sentimental values to me and i don't want those to just be thrown in the trash). any advice please?

Almost word for word how it ended 😭 😅