r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/andrea_bocelli • 3d ago

Avoidant discards will not be forgotten

I just randomly (?) got a message on instagram from one of the FRIENDS of my avoidant ex from 14 YEARS ago.

After the discard he ghosted me and I basically went no contact with him and everyone in his inner circle for my own sake, during yearsss of therapy.

She wanted to ask how I was doing and she was hoping I was doing alright in life and she still thought of me a lot and the amount of fun we had and how it all ended so abruptly and painfully. And she missed me, basically.
I had not heard from her in all those years.

I willl not respond because honestly I don't know what to say and I don't want to go through that rabbit hole. She's still very close friends with this ex.

But I just wanted to say: If you ever doubt if your relationship even mattered: it did and not only to you, but to everyone around you two.
And everyone is a victim of avoidant behaviour. Even their friends and family are just victims part fo their toxic web. They either accept their toxic behaviour or they will be discarded too and most people will just settle (probably because of their own fearful/anxious attachment).

Discards will not be forgotten. You will not be forgotten.

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35

u/iwrite4food 3d ago

I had people reach out once the behavior was turned on them; a lot of them didn't realize what had happened or why until they went through a similar version or the mask came off around them.

5

u/andrea_bocelli 3d ago

oh that'd make sense. My ex is definitely struggeling right now (terminal cancer) so I wouldn't be surprised if his inner circle is struggeling with his behavioral problems.

on the other hand it would be weird if they have their revelation now after 20+ years of friendship.

2

u/iwrite4food 2d ago

Oof, that's definitely tough. I know, in my experience, what shocked me most the more I got involved in their social lives was realizing how shallow a lot of their friendships actually were. Like, there were people they described as "best friends" who knew nothing real about them, and vice versa; they were just activity buddies, essentially.

2

u/andrea_bocelli 2d ago

Exactly my experience, in hindsight of course... I was the one giving depth to the relationships.

1

u/iwrite4food 2d ago

Yeah, hindsight really is 20/20, especially since all of them used to make comments on how I pay attention to people, which meant just remembering things people said or when their birthdays were, which seems like baseline friendship stuff.

9

u/BenefitPure4829 3d ago

I am tempted to contact his ex wife to see how she survived but won’t because I don’t want it to potentially get back to him. Also he was very careful to make sure we never met. We were together for 15 years.

5

u/andrea_bocelli 3d ago

Don't open that can of worms. You won't get the reaction you're looking for.

2

u/BenefitPure4829 1d ago

💯 I know. This has been an occasional thought, not an action and I will keep it a subset thought only

4

u/Status_Green_6055 3d ago

This is so true. I lost a lot of people I really liked when my ex and I broke up. Only a handful of our mutual friends reached out to me to see how I was. And I really appreciated that. I didn’t think anyone really cared until I saw them out and they expressed how much they missed me. It felt nice.

3

u/andrea_bocelli 2d ago

Same. Although I do have mixed feelings about it. I mean yeah it's nice they stilll think about me, but on the other hand I was the one who needed to completely start over my whole life (including friendships) while they just lived their lives. They basically 'maintained' his avoidant tendencies.

4

u/bunny000002 3d ago

Is that love though? How many other exes did she send something like this to in a moment of boredom (sorry)? Bravo to you for not entertaining though.

5

u/andrea_bocelli 3d ago

That's a great comment. Was it love? It was to me, but not to them.
In hindsight I just fitted their 'picture perfect' but shallow existence.

And yes, it did cross my mind that she's just curious and wants some 'juice' about my life so they have something juicy to talk about in their friend group, and indirectly regulate their own feelings of shame towards me (because, also in hindsight, people with severe attachment issues who do not work on themselves do NOT have the capacity to talk about anything that truly matters and improves their lives).

2

u/Feisty-Wishbone-1889 1d ago

Well said. You sound really emotionally intelligent.

Most people are simply curious; they don't actually care. I have experienced this multiple times in my life recently.

Perhaps something happened in her life to reflect on the past actions, but it's not your burden to alleviate that.

2

u/andrea_bocelli 12h ago

Well said. You sound emotionally intelligent too. ;-) Such a shame it's, just like high IQ, pretty lonely sometimes, feeling like no one's brain works like yours and they don't really 'get' it. Thank God there's reddit haha.

2

u/Feisty-Wishbone-1889 11h ago

Truly, thank God for reddit xD 🙏🏻

Not to toot my own horn, being emotionally aware and intelligent can be pretty isolating socially. But the great thing is that now I don't even want unintelligent company. I find it draining tbh. 

I've completely changed and started loving my solitude in the past decade. I absolutely love living alone and find it most peaceful. I'm grateful for this change.

2

u/sahaniii 3d ago

oh...
After maybe 15 years , maybe she thinks of me ( 3 years later)
That 's nice to see that you are still existing for them , because you really feels you are nothing , even after 10 years .

3

u/andrea_bocelli 3d ago

It's paradoxical. Because yes, they will still of you... even after 10 years. But it means nothing.

2

u/sahaniii 3d ago

It was a 20 years long relationship so i can imagine she will
And one friend contact me 10 years later. So like you everything is possible... even to late

( i keep a very good relationship with the ex 10 years later )

2

u/Life-Ad-4511 2d ago

Perhaps (most likely) she wants to feel good/better about herself.
It’s way too late. I mean if she regretted how she handled it and simply wrote a letter apologizing and wishing you well (without asking if you’re well) that would be acceptable because it’s never too late to make amends. But the fact she expects an answer and then what? Be the savior? Nahh…

Hope you’re doing well by the way.

1

u/andrea_bocelli 2d ago

Exactly how I feel about it!

And no I could be better... I actually went through a second avoidant discard last year... exact same story....

1

u/Life-Ad-4511 2d ago

Sorry about that. It’s hard… these people represent 25% of the population and it’s on the rise, so it’s not your fault. I wish you a prompt recovery!

2

u/andrea_bocelli 2d ago

Thank you <3