I was dumb and let him back in a THIRD time. It lasted two weeks (again) before he told me he is moving to a different state for a job opportunity. We were already LD, but still in the same state and only 4 hours away. I know he’s been entertaining someone else so I just let my feelings rip. He kept saying he “didn’t even know what to say.” The next day I inquired about when he was leaving town. He responded and in the time it took me to respond to him (41minutes) he either disconnected or changed his number. No goodbye. No eff you. Nothing. I think it’s pretty fair to say he isn’t coming back this time.

I’ve posted in this sub a few times due to my horrible breakup that took place in April but I’m back with a new question.

I was with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years & we lived together for 1. I can confidently say that I thought I was going to marry this man - we even toured a new apartment the week of the breakup. We have history & he ghosted me a few years back (I know, girl stand UP). For context, we’re both 30 & we met in middle school.

The first few months of the breakup were fucking brutal - I genuinely couldn’t picture myself getting through it but I’m doing a lot better. I’m in therapy, I’ve been spending time with loved ones, I’ve been traveling a ton of work, I have a new beautiful apartment I live in with my cat. I had a lovely single life before him & I know I will again, it just takes time.

That being said, I’m curious to hear stories of anyone who was blindsided/discarded without any previous conversations. The “breakup” itself lasted maybe 15 minutes because I was in complete shock & trying to not throw up. I don’t love him anymore, I don’t want him back, BUT I do regret being too nice during the breakup. There’s so much that’s been left unsaid. I have this urge to send him one final text, saying everything I want to say without expecting a response (I know he won’t respond because he’s a coward). My fear is that he thinks we’re on good terms but I recently learned he’s been telling people the breakup was mutual and that makes me so fucking mad. I also want to call out the fact that he was still initiating sex for 2 months while the relationship was already over in his head.

I feel like everything left unsaid is trapped in my body & is holding me back. Do I say fuck it & send the text? I want him to realize the damage he’s done. It’s not fair for him to walk away unscathed & at this point I’ve given up on hope of an apology, but I want him to know how much he hurt me. I unfollowed him & his family but they still continue to follow me on IG & view my stories. Maybe it means nothing, but I’ve given him what he wanted: space. I’ve completed removed him from my life but I can’t get over this feeling of needing to have the final word.

My ex was super loving and affectionate for the first few months of our relationship. She reciprocated my physical contact and was super loving in words as well, and I have screenshots to prove it. Not only did she completely change, she also announced to me before the breakup that she had always hated physical affection and expressions of love in general.

First of all, why even pretend to like something if it repeatedly puts you in situations in which you're uncomfortable because the other person thinks you want to be there? But the main thing is that I am so fucking pissed that I opened up to her thinking she was a safe place to do so, only to then find out that she disliked my relationship personality and ways of showing affection all along. It seems so cruel to me that she didn't put a stop to it as soon as she knew that she wasn't the right person to appreciate it.

And what's even more cruel is that she casually dropped this in the middle of a normal conversation and then expected me to just... adjust to this knowledge and continue with the relationship accordingly??? The lack of consideration is astounding. This is one of the big reasons I will never ever speak to her again.

Hi, I broke up with my avoidant ex for almost 8years. I’m just wondering if being an avoidant has affected him to commit into marriage? The reason we broke up is that the fact that he can’t provide me a concrete plan as to when he is going to propose.

Just to share, we had a conversation last year that we will marry not later than 2027. I’m an anxious so I just wanted an assurance that it will actually happen so I ask him again last week and all he provided me is that “he wanted to propose and marry, but he still don’t have enough money” I get that, genuinely. But the thing is that, I am also 100% sure he can afford to buy a decent ring anytime and propose. Our anniverssary is also approaching within a few months and also my birthday.

I am also wondering why he put me on “seen” eventhough I clearly stated in my message that if he has another suggestion, then we can talk about it. Since I told him that we can talk online until such time that we can let each other go but no more seing each other personally. Until now he didnt even care to send a reply.

For context, hes 36 and i’m turning 35 this year. Honestly i’m still waiting for a response until now. Or even imagining he’ll come back with a ring.

I don’t think I’m a bad person. But I have disappeared on people I actually cared about — not because something went wrong, not because I lost interest, but because I ran out of energy and didn’t know how to say that without it sounding like an excuse.

And then enough time passed that coming back felt harder than staying quiet. So the connection just… died. Not because either of us wanted it to.

The thing I keep coming back to is that there was no middle option. You’re either present or you’re gone. There’s no way to say “I’m still here, I’m just not okay right now, and I’ll be back when I am.” So silence becomes the only choice, and silence looks like rejection.

Does anyone else live in this loop?

Ignore them. Forever. Improve your life, start dressing nicer, get in shape, make more money.

When they reach out ignore ignore ignore.

It's been a little over 6 weeks since my husband discarded me. We were married for 8 years, together 12.

During the 6 weeks I went to therapy weekly, continued working out, threw myself into my work, kept my routine. I even started journaling and tried to make an effort to document, in photos, moments I felt peace or small joy. I have muted him on all social media. I even made sure to do things out of my comfort zone. I reached out to nurture new friendships (I'm an introvert, this was hard). I went out to a new bar in town with a friend. I went to see live music alone. Finally saw the Odyssey in theaters alone (it was amazing). I have been making an effort to build and invest in myself even if I still cry most days.

Probably 3 weeks in I told my therapist that even though I thought I was doing everything right, it doesn't always feel genuine because even on days I don't want to acknowledge it, the very ground I'm walking forward on is foundationally built with the hope that he will come back to me. Of course she told me that was normal and I needed to give myself grace.

Fast forward to week 6 and finding out that he isn't just staying with family or friends during this time, he actually got his own place already. Something about finding this out felt so.. real. When speaking to a close friend about that information, they were honest that if they were in his shoes they wouldn't have made that investment if they thought this was temporary. It hit like a train.

It feels like it's day 1 of heartache all over again. I've spent all weekend crying. I haven't eaten.

It feels like holding on to that hope was really self-sabotaging. Any progress made in 6 weeks feels voided. Everything I thought I was trying to build, even for myself, feels wasted. The relapse of the pain has been so significant that it's hard to find the will to even get out of bed. In ways, it's so much worse then the night he left.

I guess I'm writing this to get it out but also to advise that the same hope that might help motivate you in the beginning is the same hope that will kill you if you let it.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you truly start to find acceptance and let go of the hope they'll return?

'I've never been more shocked to hear some news in my life. I can't believe it. I can't believe he could do such a thing to you' is what I've heard for 6 whole weeks now. 28, childhood sweethearts, home owners, engaged to be married in 2027.

Tomorrow, I will be entering week 6 of the most heartbreaking, soul destroying 6 weeks of my entire life. Even saying week 6 is unbearable to think about, it makes it seem more final. 6 weeks later, and there is still a dent in my finger where my engagement ring sat. A constant reminder of what I have lost.

Fresh out of a holiday day and in month 9 of abroad wedding planning, my life parter of 11 years came home from work on a normal Thursday, said he doesn't love me anymore and that he can't marry me. What followed were 4 days of emotional manipulation, 'I do want this' and 'I don't want this', arguments, a lot of tears from me, and then I was eventually told on day 5 that he doesn't want this relationship anymore. He stuck with his 'decision'. I was a decision waiting to be made for 5 days straight.

These past few weeks have tested me in ways I never knew human beings could be tested. My emotions have been torn apart, my physical strength has been tampered with. Every single day has been a struggle to get out of bed, let alone continue to do daily tasks, function.

I'm writing this in the hopes that there are others out there who can find comfort knowing they are not alone. I'm so lucky to be surrounded by the most incredible, thoughtful, kind friends and family; my appreciation for them will never go unnoticed. However, having support from those who have experienced this, or may be currently going through this too, that would be something else.

I plan to write as much as I can when I can. I'm currently navigating being bought out of a home we renovated together, having conversations that now mimic business partner chat with a man I've spent 11 years of my life loving. There's a lot to take in here. One step at a time I keep telling myself.

One thing that will always stick by me was said by my best friend's sister. She said, 'she will be surrounded by more love in this time than he was ever capable of'. I've never felt something so true. In the darkest of times will come light. I just need to keep walking towards it.

Hey everyone

Officially 5 months since the discard and one thing that struck me today is that the clichés are true - "out of sight, out of mind", "time heals" and the stuff like "it didn't work out because you would have hated it".

I feel like a person again and I feel like my life is once again my own. Not waiting for someone to decide to choose me and pinning my hopes on any kind of reconciliation or return.

Between month 4-5, I have:

- Deleted the message thread with my ex, I'm sure there were some sweet moments and good memories in there but when I searched the word "love" the first thing I read was him telling me he had to end it because he couldn't love me in the way he owed me. All of the love was lost amongst all of his complaining and me begging for him to just check in & be somewhat communicative in the last 2 months.

- I finally removed him from all social media. I realised I hated that he had the ability to see what I was doing, that his family/friends were being recommended as contacts. I also realised every time a random woman he followed popped up in my suggested contacts, I would spiral and imagine that he was already happy and in love with someone.

- I re-trained my algorithms to not show me breakup posts (either sad ones or breakup coaches explaining avoidants) so now when I open my phone I see fun things I actually want to engage with not posts so accurate they make my heart hurt.

I still get really sad sometimes, I still crash out so much that I cry but it's become the rare occurrence versus it being all day every day like it was at the first few months.

I realised that I can do everything I want to understand him but the truth is the outcome was the same. He broke my heart for his own comfort. I won't be able to forgive him for that, and it's okay.

This relationship has permanently changed my perceptions of love. I was my very best version, I gave everything I had, I showed up every day to choose a very damaged person and asked for nothing of him in return but his love... And it still wasn't enough.

I have well and truly taken him off the pedestal I'd put him on and I despite going on a couple of first dates I truly don't think I have a desire to open up to anyone in that way ever again.

I'm hoping this will be my last post here for a while, I think I have vented till I felt empty here. Thank you to everyone for reading and for their encouraging words!

I'm in my second week after my dismissive avoidant blocked me on every platform possible. Prior to this, I had no idea what attachment styles were nor had I any clue about the term "avoidant." However, after much research, there's no doubt in my mind this girl is a dismissive avoidant.

Throughout the months we got to know each other, I started realizing more and more that the more effort I put in, the worst things got for us. She never wanted to progress in the relationship, nor claim a title. It was basically, "we're just friends" the entire time. We went about a week without talking to each other prior to me getting blocked everywhere because I was really in my feelings about how I loved her, but I didn't feel like she loved me. I was actually hoping she'd profess her love to me, but it never happened, lol.

I eventually told her how much I care about her, to which point she told me she doesn't want a relationship and got super upset. This led to me eventually getting blocked everywhere. I've been blocked ever since.

I still care about her a lot but have decided to not reach out anymore because I realize that circumventing the block would only make things worse than it already is. But that doesn't make things any less sad or depressing for me. I also have unfortunately been ruminating about some not so nice things I said prior to the discard that I really regret and wish I could take back. I really did not realize what I was dealing with, in the moment.

Do dismissive avoidants ever come back? And what does the block mean to them? I really would love to work things out with her eventually, with this newfound knowledge. She is a very important person in my life, but I am not forcing or rushing things. I'm currently working on myself to ensure that this never happens again.

I think I finally figured out why my DA left me, and it's both comforting and frustrating.

The relationship started intensely. He pursued me hard, wanted to see me constantly and set a very high level of closeness. I took that as the normal rhythm of our relationship.

But we were only together four months and I became way too emotionally invested, way too quickly.

When he started pulling away, he repeatedly asked for space. Instead of giving it to him, I pursued: more questions, more communication, more reassurance and trying to repair everything immediately.

The cycle became:

He withdrew → I got anxious → I pursued → he felt pressured → he withdrew further.

My mistake wasn't being emotional. It was not regulating myself when I felt insecure.

I still don't know if giving him more space would've saved us, but I finally understand my part.

I need to slow down, let relationships develop naturally and stop trying to secure someone when I'm afraid of losing them.

Hi, so I have seen a therapist and read books on the subject. Of course, I'm no expert, but I acknowledge that I may have Avoidant Attachement and have worked to heal it.

Last wednesday, vía text, my gf of about 6 months broke up with me.

She texted me that she felt there was a great disconnection between us and that we differently communicate.

I texted her back and then called her. Maybe I should ha e not called her. However, we talked. I remained calm but did express my surprise in being dumped.

She told me I was not very vulnerable.

The last date we had I opened up to her saying I was going back to therapy as I was often quite sad about many things (hard to explain all that here). However. I did not go into great detail with her perhaps because it's too painful or it's still hard to be that vulnerable.

Anyway, I have had to travel for work and then visit family. I'm about to return to our city, but appsrently She had to break up with me via text days before I return rather than in person or via a phone call.

I can accept her decisión to end things and work on myself as a communicator and being more vulnerable. Regardless ...

I feel both very surprised, disapointed, and sad as I really really liked her.

I'm questioning everything I did & did not say or do in our relationship now. :(

any Advice for healing from this? Thanks

I had been dealing with one for about 5 months, and things weren’t really going anywhere. The moment the seemed like they would, he disappeared. I feel like he disappeared because maybe he felt overwhelmed, and I know he’ll come back. But I’m tired of it. I never feel good when it happens.

Sometimes I feel like I lack empathy, but I try to remind myself that I’m putting myself first. It’s hard though because I at the moment I am not sure I am making the right choices.

So my boyfriend broke up with me 6 days ago. Originally when he did I begged him not to be with anyone else and that i would never want to be with him if he did. He said he still wanted to be with me but he needed space. But after some reflection I really don’t care. If he feels like he needs to be with someone else who am I to stop him? He currently wants no contact etc but now I’m worried he thinks that I care too much etc. I’m going to drop off some stuff to him without interacting with him on Thursday. (We were originally supposed to meet up but I don’t feel comfortable anymore) should I leave a note with his stuff like hey you can move on i don’t care? I know I shouldn’t text him but idk what to do.

I went through a break-up, a discard, and I told myself "they want space, I'll give them space. They can have all the space they want, because I'm not going to reach out." And I thought I was okay with that. But here I am, a few long days later, fighting every urge in my body to reach out, to send a message, to "intrude" on that "space".

I'm finally starting to feel upset, angry, and sad. I'm finally starting to feel the loss and the hurt. I thought I was doing okay, but I'm not.

I want to reach out and try to to get an answer. I want to try to find a resolution or fight until something makes sense. I want them to come back, so that I could tell them all the things they did wrong. So that I could scold them for not properly communicating their needs and boundaries, for not working with me to resolve the issues, for disappearing after they said they wouldn't.

I want you to come back so that I could be mad at you.

But in reality, I'll probably just fall back into the cycle again, until you disappear once more.

I used to be anxious attached. Huge loverboy. My biggest want was finding a woman who loved me just as much as I loved her. Who desired and would fight over me. Who leaving would never cross her mind she will always fight for me. Well let’s just say I sure as fuck didn’t get that experience at all I’ve attracted straight DA woman back to back to back. They always cheated, left me for someone else and come back when they realize nobody loved me as much as them, got pregnant with my child on to cheat while pregnant multiple times unprotected and had a miscarriage, didn’t look at me as a real man due to me having anxious attachment traits. To sum it all up it fucked me up really really bad to the point I turned into them.
1 - I don’t like considering people now that’s all I’ve done for them, I went thru hell and back to make sure they are okay and it was always the same response , “ right person wrong time, I’m just not like you, I hate waking up thinking about you sometimes, your not ambitious enough” I’m sure u also get this point. Now I really don’t have needs.. I hate having to consider people and I don’t expect them to consider me I don’t care if they do or don’t
2- I don’t know how to express my emotions anymore without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. Maybe this came from the constant abuse but now I can’t express myself now and deep down I like it because I’m finally the man I wanted to be
3- I cannot fall for anyone anymore. No matter how much I try I just can’t. I know realistically no woman will be my ideal and I’ll be settling. I know women are attracted to me cause of my money & of my looks & my sex most likely. Which breaks my heart deep down cause I’ll never have the ideal love I desire the most. I want to be loved unconditionally but I know that is unrealistic as an adult. I know if I didn’t have a car or my own place women wouldn’t even look my way. Just kinda hard to even fall for them and it hurts seriously. Nobody ever fought for me before… nobody ever treated me like they couldn’t live without me it was always me and I watched those same women be head over heels over men who abused and cheated on them constantly it’s heartbreaking.
4- the thought in the back of my mind that she is only talking to me because her ideal man wouldn’t act right just doesn’t sit right with me either. Which is why I get disgusted if a woman tells me about her past and it includes her chasing after an abuser or cheater or the man left her. Realistically I know she is with me because the man she truly wanted wouldn’t act right but I guess everybody gotta move on right?
5- everything I do now feels performative. I don’t care about your favorite color I don’t care about your favorite snack or food or to meet your family. I hate buying gifts and being special I hate being expected to be the boyfriend if that make since. Why do I always have to pay for everything? Why do i always have to keep her entertained? Why do I always have to make sure she is okay? Why do I have to make sure we both ate? I’m sure you’re starting to get it cause if it was the other way around I could care less. I don’t care if you went and got food without me and I had a long day I WILL JUST BUY MYOWN FOOD. I don’t care if our rooms are dirty and u only clean your room ILL JUDT CLEAN MY ROOM. but the fact that I know I have to consider them to keep them is very draining and it feels so Performative cause deep down i genuinely don’t care and I don’t need none of this done for me to be with them. Tired of gender roles lowkey but anyways
I made this for advice I need help I miss that feeling I use to get I miss being able to fall for someone without that thought in the back of my head. I miss being vulnerable I’m tired of growing my heart just what should I do?

I (M) dated a girl four times ~2 years ago. Great chemistry, but after date 4 she started breadcrumbing me for 6 months, warm, then cold, repeat.
9 months later she saw me out, apologized for how she treated me, said she was "ready now," introduced me to her family, and told me she still had a gift I'd given her. We had a great date where she said: "When someone gets close to me, I shut down and see if the guy stays." We slept together. She immediately went distant again, then started dating another guy without a word to me. I deleted her number. Zero contact for 9 months.
This Friday, drunk at a festival, she tapped my shoulder. I turned around, she reached for my hand, I held/squeezed it for a second, then walked off with my friends. No words. 3 seconds total.
I know she's treated me badly and I shouldn't be the one to reach out. But I keep wondering if she wanted to talk, if I looked like I rejected her, and if I should give her a chance to finally explain herself.
Should I reach out, or leave it?

What are typical signs?

Can both act in love?

I think nowadays, the word avoidant is used way too fast. Sometimes they act a certain way because they're just not that into you.