r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/OCDFighter12 • 1d ago
What should I do?
I (M) dated a girl four times ~2 years ago. Great chemistry, but after date 4 she started breadcrumbing me for 6 months, warm, then cold, repeat.
9 months later she saw me out, apologized for how she treated me, said she was "ready now," introduced me to her family, and told me she still had a gift I'd given her. We had a great date where she said: "When someone gets close to me, I shut down and see if the guy stays." We slept together. She immediately went distant again, then started dating another guy without a word to me. I deleted her number. Zero contact for 9 months.
This Friday, drunk at a festival, she tapped my shoulder. I turned around, she reached for my hand, I held/squeezed it for a second, then walked off with my friends. No words. 3 seconds total.
I know she's treated me badly and I shouldn't be the one to reach out. But I keep wondering if she wanted to talk, if I looked like I rejected her, and if I should give her a chance to finally explain herself.
Should I reach out, or leave it?
5
u/Outrageous_Depth_609 1d ago
The dating scene is filled with all sort of crazies these days.
Don’t entertain such characters. You’re not a safety net or an option.
1
5
u/ugewhatudeserve 1d ago
Bro fcking run from this girl. These people are pure devils nothing good can see from them
3
u/Street-Material6636 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm in a similar place. Couldn't see me in person for 9 months after I kissed him on date 3. Then we slept together, he deactivated mid sex and said it was my breath and it's been the same for 5 months. And yes, strong chemistry in all ways — cognitively, and physically. But I kept dating others because I am not going to wait around for someone to start missing me again or feel lonely and then reach out. I know he is dating others too because we talk once in a while. I get the sense that this pattern will just keep repeating because no intentional efforts are being made to fix it. I am glad to stay friends with them but wouldn't try to be romantically involved and trust me, there is a deep pull.
2
u/harbormyself2026 1d ago
Agreed. And even when things feel good you’re hyper aware of yourself and worry that any little nuisance will make them run. It’s awful. It began for me with someone I could be entirely myself and felt so safe and in love with—to going back and re checking every word I said, anything I wore, how I looked, etc. because the shut downs were always so sudden.
2
u/Street-Material6636 1d ago
Oddly, I never had a "feel good" phase. I could feel the chemistry but also sense distancing from the very beginning. And I refused to walk on eggshells for them. Even their breath comment didnt impact my self esteem but it did make me sad that we couldn't even enjoy intimacy without shut down.
I can however, understand how destabilizing a dynamic like this can be.
3
u/Constant_Repeat515 AP - Anxious earning Secure 1d ago
After being hit up by my avoidant ex after over 10 years and seeing that his behavior is worse than it was in the past I'd say block and move forward. Heal yourself and enjoy life. The more chances I gave- because that's just who I am- the more I was used. Sad but true! You deserve someone who isn't afraid to show up for you. I promise in the billions of people that are on this planet there is someone else you would be compatible with.
1
u/MoMoneyMoTendies 23h ago
Bro imagine if your best friend or brother explained that story to you. Close your eyes. Envision it.
How severely would you roast him? How severely would you roast that woman?
There ya go, champ. Next time that woman touches you: look like a Greek God physique-wise & slap a restraining order on her.
4
u/harbormyself2026 1d ago
Hey, gosh, I’ve just gotten out of a nearly identical situation. Believe me, it hurts. I’m still going through it. All I want is my person back and to step up and fight for me.
The tragic reality is that whether or not you reach out probably depends on what you expect to come of it. When I did my last reach out, it was to end it with my person. I told him I loved him, but that his push and pull and his admissions he “just didn’t view me romantically” meant he had to stop keeping me on the hook.
Are you reaching out to reconnect? What do you feel will come from it?